Please nairalanders I need your advice. I am married to a man who is the first son of seven. I am older than all his siblings. One of his sisters was a frequent visitor to our home. I feel I did my best to make her feel at home. For instance I never asked her to do any house work to help me because I feel it is my home and I would do my house work anyway even if she was not around. I allowed her complete freedom in the kitchen to dish her own food and eat whatever she wanted.

Three years ago when she came on vacation she stole some of my gold jewelry. When I saw it with her she denied that it was not mine. Later she insisted that I must have forgotten it in her parents house the last time we came on vacation which I know fully well was not true as the gold disappeared from underneath my bed.

Last year again she came to visit and some more jewelry disappeared. We were moving house at the time and in all the confusion she packed quite a substantial number. [I sell gold].

I went to their house to confront her about it and we started to exchange words. I called her a thief. Her mother ( my mother-in-law) asked her to deal with me and she slapped me twice. I did not retaliate.

During the peace making process, I gave a condition for which I would forgive. I said she would not call me by my first name any longer. I am seven years older than her. My mother in law jumped up, shouting and saying I had no right to demand that. They are Ibo. The girl is the first daughter of the family.

Well since then if the girl calls me by my first name I do not answer her. If her mother is there at the time, a quarell ensures as she will accuse me of keeping malice. Now people are advising me to let go and accept this girl calling me by my first name for the sake of peace.

Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry ma,but i have to ask, is your problem with her all about calling you by your first name? Or is it the stealing issue?
Set your priority

alakori: Please nairalanders I need your advice. I am married to a man who is the first son of seven. I am older than all his siblings. One of his sisters was a frequent visitor to our home. I feel I did my best to make her feel at home. For instance I never asked her to do any house work to help me because I feel it is my home and I would do my house work anyway even if she was not around. I allowed her complete freedom in the kitchen to dish her own food and eat whatever she wanted.

Three years ago when she came on vacation she stole some of my gold jewelry. When I saw it with her she denied that it was not mine. Later she insisted that I must have forgotten it in her parents house the last time we came on vacation which I know fully well was not true as the gold disappeared from underneath my bed.

Last year again she came to visit and some more jewelry disappeared. We were moving house at the time and in all the confusion she packed quite a substantial number. [I sell gold].

I went to their house to confront her about it and we started to exchange words. I called her a thief. Her mother ( my mother-in-law) asked her to deal with me and she slapped me twice. I did not retaliate.

During the peace making process, I gave a condition for which I would forgive. I said she would not call me by my first name any longer. I am seven years older than her. My mother in law jumped up, shouting and saying I had no right to demand that. They are Ibo. The girl is the first daughter of the family.

Well since then if the girl calls me by my first name I do not answer her. If her mother is there at the time, a quarell ensures as she will accuse me of keeping malice. Now people are advising me to let go and accept this girl calling me by my first name for the sake of peace.

Am I being unreasonable?

No you are not being unreasonable . . .
That girl is very disrespectful and a big thief!
However, you can't force her to call you 'aunt'.
But next time she dares to raise her hands on you, lock her up for assault!

I would have killed her. Which kain yeye slap is that

You are NOT being reasonable at all.
First,the golds must be returned.it doesn't matter if you forgot it at Sango or it went missing from under your pants,it should and must be returned to you.

Where is your Husband? . What has he said or done to his sister:
stealing or taking your jewellry.
Slapping you.

So, you ignored your stolen stuff,endured 2 hot slaps from one mgbeke and busy bothering your head with " should they call me aunty,big momma or sister" ?
No wonder she had the guts to slap you.

Again,where is the husband?

Umu nwoke ama rozi anu nwanyi!
How can your younger sister steal from and slap your wife, and yet you still let her into your home.
Tufiakwa!

IBO people and their love of this "sister" "aunty" nonsense - what does not calling you by you first name do for you? na wah o

(i'm ibo by the way)

ifyalways: You are NOT being reasonable at all.
First,the golds must be returned.it doesn't matter if you forgot it at Sango or it went missing from under your pants,it should and must be returned to you.

Where is your Husband? . What has he said or done to his sister:
stealing or taking your jewellry.
Slapping you.

So, you ignored your stolen stuff,endured 2 hot slaps from one mgbeke and busy bothering your head with " should they call me aunty,big momma or sister" ?
No wonder she had the guts to slap you.

Again,where is the husband?

I got the gold back from her. When she slapped me and my husband got there he wanted to beat her up but I begged him not to. I did this because tempers were raised, it was the mother that egged her on and I felt if he started to beat her it would degenerate into a fight between him and his Mom and I did not want that.

That being said, I have also informed my husband that I would not welcome her into my home anymore and we seem to have agreed on that.

The problem is that we are due to go to his place soon. The girl makes it a point of duty to greet me, emphasizing my first name. When I do not answer she and her Mum begin to quarell with me. I really feel the problem is with my mother-in-law who eggs are on, as per, if the mom is not around and she greets me with my first name and I ignore her, she go just waka pass. But if the Mom is around she will raise her voice shouting 'is it not you I am greeting'. From there the Mum will join in and shouting match

[quote author=cotton101]IBO people and their love of this "sister" "aunty" nonsense - what does not calling you by you first name do for you? na wah o

(i'm ibo by the way)[/quote

Initially when I got married she was calling me by my first name and I had no issues with it. But I feel it was because I allowed that, that's why she could slap me.
If we are going to have any form of relationship I need her to know that things have changed and she would have to respect me. Her willingness to humble herself and call me aunty or at least Mama (my child's name) would show this.

I see no biggie in she calling you by your first name. It's just greeting and won't add or remove anything to your life.You continue making it a big deal and it will be a big deal.

Next time anyone slaps you or physically assault you,please leave your husband to deal with him or her.

[quote author=alakori][/quote]

I agree with Ify.
He not calling you 'Aunty' is NOT the problem here.
You let her walk all over you in the first place and something tells me you are waaaaay too soft!
Why would you hold your hubby back from beating her in the first place
If the mum is inciting her then she too need to be put in her place.
Your SIL needed to be taught a lesson and you keep showing her that she can get away with anything.
Abeg stop being a push over jor . . .

You got two slaps from your SIL and you did not do anything? You should have slapped her 3 times. Was your husband there when she slapped you or he came after you have been awarded two resounding slaps? Anyway, it can not happen to my wife.

Ujujoan:

I agree with Ify.
He not calling you 'Aunty' is NOT the problem here.
You let her walk all over you in the first place and something tells me you are waaaaay too soft!
Why would you hold your hubby back from beating her in the first place
If the mum is inciting her then she too need to be put in her place.
Your SIL needed to be taught a lesson and you keep showing her that she can get away with anything.
Abeg stop being a push over jor . . .

I agree that I let them walk all over me. I was trying to be a 'good wife' and it did not pay me. That is why I felt if I cave in now on the 'aunty' issue now I would just be passing across the message that I am still a wimpy doormat.

The 'aunty' thing is just symbolic for me....like I said she had been calling me by name before all this and It never mattered to me.

So now how do I begin to reassert myself without coming across as a trouble maker?

alakori:

I agree that I let them walk all over me. I was trying to be a 'good wife' and it did not pay me. That is why I felt if I cave in now on the 'aunty' issue now I would just be passing across the message that I am still a wimpy doormat.

The 'aunty' thing is just symbolic for me....like I said she had been calling me by name before all this and It never mattered to me.


So now how do I begin to reassert myself without coming across as a trouble maker?

Woman,your home is where you should focus your energy at,pull all the weights and call the shots there.end of.

Let them fool around as much as they want in their fathers house or wherever but when they step into your house,they live by your rules or get lost.

Btw,forcing or making anyone attach title to your name is definitely no way to earn or gain respect or position.

alakori: Please nairalanders I need your advice. I am married to a man who is the first son of seven. I am older than all his siblings. One of his sisters was a frequent visitor to our home. I feel I did my best to make her feel at home. For instance I never asked her to do any house work to help me because I feel it is my home and I would do my house work anyway even if she was not around. I allowed her complete freedom in the kitchen to dish her own food and eat whatever she wanted.

Three years ago when she came on vacation she stole some of my gold jewelry. When I saw it with her she denied that it was not mine. Later she insisted that I must have forgotten it in her parents house the last time we came on vacation which I know fully well was not true as the gold disappeared from underneath my bed.

Last year again she came to visit and some more jewelry disappeared. We were moving house at the time and in all the confusion she packed quite a substantial number. [I sell gold].

I went to their house to confront her about it and we started to exchange words. I called her a thief. Her mother ( my mother-in-law) asked her to deal with me and she slapped me twice. I did not retaliate.

During the peace making process, I gave a condition for which I would forgive. I said she would not call me by my first name any longer. I am seven years older than her. My mother in law jumped up, shouting and saying I had no right to demand that. They are Ibo. The girl is the first daughter of the family.

Well since then if the girl calls me by my first name I do not answer her. If her mother is there at the time, a quarell ensures as she will accuse me of keeping malice. Now people are advising me to let go and accept this girl calling me by my first name for the sake of peace.

Am I being unreasonable?

Words fail me!
Sorry!!!

alakori:

I agree that I let them walk all over me. I was trying to be a 'good wife' and it did not pay me. That is why I felt if I cave in now on the 'aunty' issue now I would just be passing across the message that I am still a wimpy doormat.

The 'aunty' thing is just symbolic for me....like I said she had been calling me by name before all this and It never mattered to me.

So now how do I begin to reassert myself without coming across as a trouble maker?

You are belittling yourself more by getting into 'Aunty' squabbles with her . . . Let her be on that.
But make sure she knows you are done letting her walk over you!
And next time she talks to you rudely, put her in her place. And she dares attack you, give her the beating of her life (but only if you know you can beat her oh ) OR get your hubby to slap her face from two different directions!

cotton101: IBO people and their love of this "sister" "aunty" nonsense - what does not calling you by you first name do for you? na wah o

(i'm ibo by the way)

Akpoda, the Op is not ibo
By the way sory for calling u akpoda na jyoke.

Op ma, me sugest you let go the 'aunty' or 'sista' stuff. What you did by hindering your hubby from assaulting his sista is not in any way bad.
Me think you should complain to your hubby, tell him to talk to his mum cos I see her as the petrol to the fire. You get to notice that naughty kids fueled by their parents display their naughtiness when their parent is around them. So just let ur hubby know that it is your MIL that is guving your SIL the guts to run you over tell him that you don't like the way his mum is behaving, sure he will feel your pain and might even go ahead to ban your SIL's access into your home.

And op when she tries shit with you, allow your husband to deal with her seriously cos she is a naughty b*rat. Don't do it your self, just let your hubby do is so that she will learn never to mess with SOME BODY'S WIFE.

You can answer her when she greets you by name to avoid being called a trouble maker and still put her where she belongs. There are quiet 'i no want trouble' ways of letting people know you will not take sh..t

Seven years difference is more than enough for her to accord you respect as a well brought up Nigerian child. Apparently she's not well brought up.

ifyalways: Woman,your home is where you should focus your energy at,pull all the weights and call the shots there.end of.

Let them fool around as much as they want in their fathers house or wherever but when they step into your house,they live by your rules or get lost.

Btw,forcing or making anyone attach title to your name is definitely no way to earn or gain respect or position.

Yup.

jennykadry: I would have killed her. Which kain yeye slap is that

This your Pawa ehn.. Super Woman.

She can still call you by your faith name and accord you some respect. But you need to define this relationship. She must not be welcome into your home and next time she tries to slap you again make sure you give her 2 hot resounding slaps and walk out to avoid serious fight but that 2 slaps hmm will speak and say a lot!

If you respected yourself, you would be respected. If you knew respect was critical to you, you shouldn't have married into another culture where it is not so critical. What is wrong with calling you by name? Will it kill you? If someone steals from you, why is your house and room door still open to them? Especially a kleptomaniac? Why the hell did you go to her parents house to accuse her of being a thief and fight. Which parent will like that or accept it even if it is true? You should have collected the money from the brother, for what she stole. When he is tired of paying, he will take action. Your attitude was very unnecessary honestly. So if you have a colleague who is 7yrs younger than you and calls you by name, are you gonna die? I bet she called you by name when you were dating her brother. Because levels have now changed for you, your name must change too. Abeg.

Baby how body?.... long time

Sorry OP will be back... busy at work

jidegirl12: Baby how body?.... long time

Sorry OP will be back... busy at work

I dey o. Been quite busy as well. Just saw this and just had to. Hehe.

This woman is Yoruba, where she is the youngest by culture. And being married to a Yoruba, she will never even be called aunty. But mummy this and that. She is even supposed to call the SIL aunty. Really all this naming wahala sef doesn't even move me. My name is my name, if you add aunty na you sabi. Whether na for ogboju or mockery. Na you dey do yourself. Not moved jare. Call all my SIL's by name, and they call me by name too. Kini big deal?

Women palaver

Op,haven't you ever heard where someone is being called "Aunty" and still being disrespected?
You never hear "Aunty Bimpe,ori yin o pe" before?
Or "Buroda Sule,e ni laakaye"?
Priorities!!
Your home and family should be your major concern not some inconsequential title that's of no substance to you or your life!
You already know that all your SIL is doing is on purpose.The idea is to get to you and you are letting her.
When next and every other time she greets you,please answer her.
I'm sure she'll be shocked by it.
...and just know how to keep her at a distance/stay out of her way.
Besides,respect is supposed to be EARNED not demanded/commanded.

I believe dat if U dnt want trouble, U do either of 2 things.

'move d source of trouble away, or move away from dat source.'

Next,

Salutation is not love.
When greeted, answer normally. No undertone of mockery.
Greet normally too.
Asides dat, clear road 4 them.

Do not engage in any long talk wt them. Anything dat does not directly affect Ur day 2 day activities, dont discuss with them.

D more U talk/argue wt them, d more they'll find wat 2 poke U wt.

It is when U even stretch Ur hand out 4 handshake, dat we might start talking abt handshake 'wey don dey pass elbow'

Abeg, salutation is not love. If they claim U are on their path, move away 4rm their path and live Ur life.

My concern would be with the gold loss, yep, that would be my priority. If she can't return it, how is her "aunty" of any use to me.
I don't have much patience with thieves and being who I am, their whole family would be discussing how to return my gold, not matter of aunty.

If you were someone like me,i will have adopted 3 positions.get her arrested for theft,lock your room where the gold is or discuss with your husband about the theft issue.as much as am tolerant,i will not accept living under d same roof with a thief,as for the aunty part,if you dont like her adressing you by that,then keep away from her.however the consequence of arresting her is that it will fuel hate,if you arent bothered with someone elses hate,very well then,the consequence of locking your room is that not only will your things be safe,you have also passed a message that she is a thief and your things are more important to you than your relationship with her,number 3 discussing it with your husband,he will know that you dont feel ok about his sis behaviour.i for one will never entertain theft whoever he or she might be and will deal with the person the way thieves are been treated

All those shouting "she shouldn't have stopped the husband" have you forgotten so soon the "Husband beat sister thread"?
How the wife was warned that her husband for being violent with his sister who wanted to break into his house was a monster, and the sister was not and the wife was also one?
In Laws have monopoly of violence here, fifghting back is not allowed.
Poster, I am glad you didn't escalate the situation.
Forget the Anty Issue, stop dancing round them, let her call you anything she wants just don't take any more crap.
Be firm and respectful, eye service in In law ship won't get you anywhere.
And no violence please, its never worth it

It isn't nice that she steals the things you are selling to earn a living for your family.
How about drawing her closer to you, she is better off a friend than a disrespectful enemy.
Yeah, relax and cut out the "She-must-call-me-Aunty-or-Mama Ejiro" part, there's no big deal about being called Aunty. You are almost being ridiculous hammering on that. You went ordering to be called that and it got to a head where she now dares you by calling you your name and stirring up things.

A better/closer relationship between you two will exclude all these disharmonies, have both of you chilling happily as sisters in law. I would have said that you give her a piece of jewel as a gift with a stern explanation that you sell these things to be able to feed your children which will give her the message never to steal them but the ones she stole are painful enough. Hey! even if you end up as friends, why don't you do yourself a favour and lock up such valuables in a safe place.

All in all, your husband needs to address the stealing habit of his sister seriously.