Hello all, I'm a foriegner living in Nigeria because of love of the culture and people. I knew from my 1st visit tht this was where I wanted to live my life.I'm a widowed mother who unfortunately doesn't look her age. My delima is that as much as l love Nigerian men, I'm afraid of them because they seem to like quarrels and controversy and to be emotionally bankrupt. It seems they assimilate the amount of Shakara a woman causes with the assumed depth and commitment to their "professed love". Where I come from, love is not noisy, its deep, trusted, and given freely. There's no price tag attached(although a man should be a man and support his household) and its definately not a trophy to be shown off or bragged about. Its a nurturing of two spirits that are becomming one. Men want to be loved and catered to, yet are incapable of loving. Its as if they don't realize that love is reciprocal and that its the love they feed their partner that they will inturn feed them back, that will nurture their children, give her the strength to run their businesses n home. Also every indication of likeness is attached to sex and trial. Is that how pertners are chosen, just by trying everyone til you find the one who does it right? What about the sanctity of a woman? Isn't she supposed to be a mans prize? His pride? How can she be if everyone has tried up until him? Please help me understand or I think I will have to remain single in Nigeria, as I've no plan of leaving the country.

lmao..
Welcome to our world!!
Na the "agbado" wey God put for our "agbada" be that and we dey "yan" without choice.

Please help me understand or
I think I will have to remain single in
Nigeria, as I've no plan of leaving the
country.

What else is there to understand?
Our traditional,egotistical,confused,complicated,skippy jobo men?
You understand already sister!
...and No,you won't remain single if just learn to accept them the way they are. or you find one of the very few exceptions

slimyem: lmao..
Welcome to our world!!
Na the "agbado" wey God put for our "agbada" be that and we dey "yan" without choice. What else is there to understand?
Our traditional,egotistical,confused,complicated,skippy jobo men?
You understand already sister!
...and No,you won't remain single if just learn to accept them the way they are. or you find one of the very few exceptions

But where are the exceptions? I must admit, I dnt socialize much because I hate the lame toasting. So where does a serious woman meet an exception to the rule. Please don't say church, cuz they've proven to be the worst and most hypocritical examples.

Sori you took it that way because I clearly asked for advice and didn't diss anyone. I stated my observations and req feedbk which you sadly havnt offered. I do business with them daily and know what I see. I'm trying to get pointers on how to cope with and rationalize their behavior as well perhaps understand their mores and motivators better. Pls dnt transfer agression to me because I know my post wasn't confrontational although your response clearly is. I'm in love with Nigeria and her people, I'm not here to fight anyone.

chaircover:

Sorry, but I dont understand what you are talking about . . . The only thing I picked up is that you are dissing Nigerian men in general.

Truth is, if you cant find anything positive in a Nigerian man, then you shouldn't really be going anywhere near them.

I feel insulted BTW

mzfelivisions: Sori you took it that way because I clearly asked for advice and didn't diss anyone. I stated my observations and req feedbk which you sadly havnt offered. I do business with them daily and know what I see. I'm trying to get pointers on how to cope with and rationalize their behavior as well perhaps understand their mores and motivators better. Pls dnt transfer agression to me because I know my post wasn't confrontational although your response clearly is. I'm in love with Nigeria and her people, I'm not here to fight anyone.

your initial post is not clear and yu are getting unnecesarily aqgressive
I am a man and i found your post weird

What qualities do you think irksome in nigerian men and what do you expect
Lets start from there

But if this is another male bashing thread you want to start upp, prepare...

mzfelivisions: Hello all, I'm a foriegner living in Nigeria because of love of the culture and people. I knew from my 1st visit tht this was where I wanted to live my life.I'm a widowed mother who unfortunately doesn't look her age. My delima is that as much as l love Nigerian men, I'm afraid of them because they seem to like quarrels and controversy and to be emotionally bankrupt. It seems they assimilate the amount of Shakara a woman causes with the assumed depth and commitment to their "professed love". Where I come from, love is not noisy, its deep, trusted, and given freely. There's no price tag attached(although a man should be a man and support his household) and its definately not a trophy to be shown off or bragged about. Its a nurturing of two spirits that are becomming one. Men want to be loved and catered to, yet are incapable of loving. Its as if they don't realize that love is reciprocal and that its the love they feed their partner that they will inturn feed them back, that will nurture their children, give her the strength to run their businesses n home. Also every indication of likeness is attached to sex and trial. Is that how pertners are chosen, just by trying everyone til you find the one who does it right? What about the sanctity of a woman? Isn't she supposed to be a mans prize? His pride? How can she be if everyone has tried up until him? Please help me understand or I think I will have to remain single in Nigeria, as I've no plan of leaving the country.

You have some good points but i have highlighted some parts of your post for futher discourse
what do you mean exactly

Ok by the trial thing I mean, I'm ok lookin n get a bit of attention. But men want sex with no commitment. They love to say let's try n see what happens, I'm sori I don't know any store where I can go if I'm thirsty or hungry and say let me try a coke and pounded yam with efo riro and if I like it I will commit n pay. Love and relationships are about commitment. If you want something settle down and make a choice. You can't live your life tasting things you must finally commit to eat something! Secondly men it seems to me sumtimes like to start quarrel. How else wld you explain sumone calling you and saying" so you have just forgotten me, abi?" My response is always politely " may I ask you a question? Is it that your phone doesn't load with naira recharge card like mine?" They're usually taken aback, but what's wrong with honestly saying to someone that hi, I've missed your calls, or I was just thinking about you? Why must you put the person on the defensive? Why begin a conversation with sumone feeling guilt. Thts not fair and thts not submission that's subjugation, there's a difference between the two. Submission is given in love and Subjugation under duress. I'm not a basher, I just want to understand men here in hopes that I may settle, remarry and have at least one original omo naija. No disrespect intended.I'm not saying there r no men around, there are plenty.. Too many in fact. What I'm saying is that I don't understand them.. I am not getting their message. They don't appear genuine to me because the way to show me you love me is pickin my call or replying my text that your in a meeting. Sending me a message tht your thinking of me, asking how my children are faring and trying to know them. Not booking me into a luxury suite to lay up with me for the weekend. Take my kids out for a movie, not buy me a new phone, spend a sunday in the park not tkin me out to drink n eat while u hang out with your friends. I want to understand what a man rationalizes love as in Nigeria, because I believe they're the best men on earth when compared to those outside. Its just maybe I don't understand the language they're speaking to me. I'm naturally reserved and love my privacy, so love family time and I had expected from the men I know that are Nigerians that quiet time is prefered, but it seems most love social life and that's not me. I'm grounded, family oriented, and quiet. I enjoy lifes simple pleasures. How do tell if a man is serious or wnts to slip n ur panties?

biolabee:

your initial post is not clear and yu are getting unnecesarily aqgressive
I am a man and i found your post weird

What qualities do you think irksome in nigerian men and what do you expect
Lets start from there

But if this is another male bashing thread you want to start upp, prepare...



You have some good points but i have highlighted some parts of your post for futher discourse
what do you mean exactly

I'm sorry @Op there are still some Nigerian men who qualifies to be called a gentleman in every sense of the word.

Your post is long but i will take your points one by one

Ok by the trial thing I mean, I'm ok lookin n get a bit of attention. But men want sex with no commitment. They love to say let's try n see what happens, I'm sori I don't know any store where I can go if I'm thirsty or hungry and say let me try a coke and pounded yam with efo riro and if I like it I will commit n pay. Love and relationships are about commitment. If you want something settle down and make a choice. You can't live your life tasting things you must finally commit to eat something!

Good point but this is not limited to nigerian males. All men do this especially in the middle life age range which you are obviously interested in
your target males will be moderately successful men (married or divorced) who may not want drama in their old age
So a FWB arrangement willl be suitable for them

If this does not work for you, hold out for what you want but dont go bashing Nigerian men for them being who they are
Have you forgotten the most endangered sub group marital-wise are african american women?

Secondly men it seems to me sumtimes like to start quarrel. How else wld you explain sumone calling you and saying" so you have just forgotten me, abi?" My response is always politely " may I ask you a question? Is it that your phone doesn't load with naira recharge card like mine?" They're usually taken aback, but what's wrong with honestly saying to someone that hi, I've missed your calls, or I was just thinking about you? Why must you put the person on the defensive? Why begin a conversation with sumone feeling guilt.

Good one, I admit you are right here cos i do it a lot too and some people not from this culture dont get it
So i consciously stop it when i am relating to non naija females,
Look at it as a sort of ice breaker they mean no harm
The correct response is just to say "Sorry, I have tied up with work stuff. how are you doing"

mzfelivisions: Thts not fair and thts not submission that's subjugation, there's a difference between the two. Submission is given in love and Subjugation under duress. I'm not a basher, I just want to understand men here in hopes that I may settle, remarry and have at least one original omo naija. No disrespect intended.I'm not saying there r no men around, there are plenty.. Too many in fact. What I'm saying is that I don't understand them.. I am not getting their message. They don't appear genuine to me because the way to show me you love me is pickin my call or replying my text that your in a meeting. Sending me a message tht your thinking of me, asking how my children are faring and trying to know them. Not booking me into a luxury suite to lay up with me for the weekend. Take my kids out for a movie, not buy me a new phone, spend a sunday in the park not tkin me out to drink n eat while u hang out with your friends. I want to understand what a man rationalizes love as in Nigeria, because I believe they're the best men on earth when compared to those outside. Its just maybe I don't understand the language they're speaking to me. I'm naturally reserved and love my privacy, so love family time and I had expected from the men I know that are Nigerians that quiet time is prefered, but it seems most love social life and that's not me. I'm grounded, family oriented, and quiet. I enjoy lifes simple pleasures. How do tell if a man is serious or wnts to slip n ur panties?

We are traditional also family people but not all of us are into all that solo family time
A typical naija guy recreational ish is to hang out with family, friends and talk about good times with good food and drink
All this your bungee jumping, hold hands etc is not sth you will find easily

Holdup, we are not the best out there, so lower your expectations or hold out for the Mr White Knight

All what youve said here, i am sure other women will tell you is common to other men of other races

I like how you put out your points. Your first post was

Im open to more discourse

Brand_new: I'm sorry @Op there are still some Nigerian men who qualifies to be called a gentleman in every sense of the word.

Gentleman is whose sense... American or English
me i am a gentleman in the naija sense of the word

That word is so vague and undefined

If u cant live with the way we do our ish, other ethnic groups dey there

Where r they hiding. Lol. No, but seriously, how do you identify a serious gentleman. Not a wiseguy lookin to ride ur back, or gigalo lookin for a lay. I sometimes even think I'd prefer to be 2nd or 3rd wife as its less stressful and you already know what the person is looking for and their expectations. Its not for everyone , but if the woman is not overly jealous and understands her position it think it can work in proper circumstances.

Brand_new: I'm sorry @Op there are still some Nigerian men who qualifies to be called a gentleman in every sense of the word.

I know your not a man dear, have known from your first post. I'm a analyzer of people. I understand your statement, but what you need to also understand is that we are all individuals and unique in our interaction,communication and the way we rationalize. That's what makes us individual, you do as you do and I do the same in my own unique styles. That's why I'm me and your you. You should understand that you speculated as well, and I made a huge disclaimer at the top of my post" I'm a foriegner living in nigeria" I also concluded by asking for advice hence the last line " please help me understand or will I live single in Nigeria as I've chosen to live my life here"

You see why I said that you are going about all this the wrong way. You should have asked for advice rather than to just speculate.

I saw my sister on Friday night . . . when she called me yesterday evening, I said "Haaaaaa!!! youve forgotten me sinceeeeeeeee! I am not a Nigerian man BTW and that is my own sister. Many people greet that way. I dont think they mean any harm; just cultural differences and I think that is what you should be trying to understand . . . being different doesn't always automatically mean bad. [/quote]

Thank you for the candid and focused reply, but I'm still a bit frustrated. I apologize that the post was a bit disenfranchising, but someon seriously annoyed me. I say Nigerian men because I'm in Nigeria and I will not date another race for now. The type of business I do entails I interact with different people globally and yet I'm inately drawn to the Naija man so I cnt refer to any other than him and my hubby was American like me so no other reference point except Naija.. Sori, but I say it as I see it. No harm intended. The reason AA women r single is also subject for another thread. Our families were intentionally turned upside down and women have forgotten what a pride it is to be a woman and prefer to be a man and relegate the men to duties which don't allow him bear his crown as he in his prime is a threat to govt and society's perpetuated ideology of a perfect life. I'm enjoyin your jist by the way.

biolabee: Your post is long but i will take your points one by one



Good point but this is not limited to nigerian males. All men do this especially in the middle life age range which you are obviously interested in
your target males will be moderately successful men (married or divorced) who may not want drama in their old age
So a FWB arrangement willl be suitable for them

If this does not work for you, hold out for what you want but dont go bashing Nigerian men for them being who they are
Have you forgotten the most endangered sub group marital-wise are african american women?



Good one, I admit you are right here cos i do it a lot too and some people not from this culture dont get it
So i consciously stop it when i am relating to non naija females,
Look at it as a sort of ice breaker they mean no harm
The correct response is just to say "Sorry, I have tied up with work stuff. how are you doing"



We are traditional also family people but not all of us are into all that solo family time
A typical naija guy recreational ish is to hang out with family, friends and talk about good times with good food and drink
All this your bungee jumping, hold hands etc is not sth you will find easily

Holdup, we are not the best out there, so lower your expectations or hold out for the Mr White Knight

All what youve said here, i am sure other women will tell you is common to other men of other races

I like how you put out your points. Your first post was

Im open to more discourse

mzfelivisions: Thank you for the candid and focused reply, but I'm still a bit frustrated. I apologize that the post was a bit disenfranchising, but someon seriously annoyed me. I say Nigerian men because I'm in Nigeria and I will not date another race for now. The type of business I do entails I interact with different people globally and yet I'm inately drawn to the Naija man so I cnt refer to any other than him and my hubby was American like me so no other reference point except Naija.. Sori, but I say it as I see it. No harm intended. [/b]. I'm enjoyin your jist by the way.

Fair enough but you will have to be patient then to get the kind of man you want

Interesting, have you done a DNA check, you may have naija blood iin your bones
Innately drawn.. however i bet you know that expats of other races work here in naija

The reason AA women r single is also subject for another thread. Our families were intentionally turned upside down and women have forgotten what a pride it is to be a woman and prefer to be a man and relegate the men to duties which don't allow him [b]bear his crown as he in his prime is a threat to govt and society's perpetuated ideology of a perfect life

this will be controversial and coming from an AA woman.
Prepare for attacks from your own kind


I would like to discuss with you more on what you think your ideal man shd be like

Am a very Atypical AA. Think its becuz of my Cherokee bkgrnd. Iv adopted Nigeria as my home so where in genetically tied here, I am spiritually planted and going no where! This is my home. I'm not a expat I'm a Nigerian by choice and I utilize my energy developing my country. I'm not saying I don't love America, but there is a sense of peace that I get only when here. A satisfaction I never had before. I love workin with the youth n women, they hv such passion. I am home and choose not to do a DnA test because I just want to be a Nigerian not an igbo, yoruba, uhrobo, hausa, tiv,fulani, itsikiri,I will b from where ever my hubby is from by Gods grace. Insha Allah. We are one Nigeria and we need to remember that. Its the only way forward.

biolabee:

Fair enough but you will have to be patient then to get the kind of man you want

Interesting, have you done a DNA check, you may have naija blood iin your bones
Innately drawn.. however i bet you know that expats of other races work here in naija

this will be controversial and coming from an AA woman.
Prepare for attacks from your own kind


I would like to discuss with you more on what you think your ideal man shd be like

mzfelivisions: Am a very Atypical AA. Think its becuz of my Cherokee bkgrnd. Iv adopted Nigeria as my home so where in genetically tied here, I am spiritually planted and going no where! This is my home. I'm not a expat I'm a Nigerian by choice and I utilize my energy developing my country. I'm not saying I don't love America, but there is a sense of peace that I get only when here. A satisfaction I never had before. I love workin with the youth n women, they hv such passion. I am home and choose not to do a DnA test because I just want to be a Nigerian not an igbo, yoruba, uhrobo, hausa, tiv,fulani, itsikiri,I will b from where ever my hubby is from by Gods grace. Insha Allah. We are one Nigeria and we need to remember that. Its the only way forward.

wowee....
Cherokee are brave warriors and [s]also a fine brand of car id like to drive [/s]

I hope you can find what you are looking for in this land
You just have to be patient

Also moving round the country would have been nice taking note f the security situation

Have u been to the Calabar Carnival happens december
Also visiting the village homes of your friends for weddings, new yam festivals can help your assimilation process

With your accent, you will surely not lack admirers as a foreigner is always a novelty but only a[b] self - assured amd made man[/b] will want to be with you for you rather than a ticket to yonder

The problem is that most of them are married already/divorced bla bla
They may not want that whole drama all over again where there are younger women who will not complicate their lives

slimyem: lmao..
Welcome to our world!!
Na the "agbado" wey God put for our "agbada" be that and we dey "yan" without choice. What else is there to understand?
Our traditional,egotistical,confused,complicated,skippy jobo men?
You understand already sister!
...and No,you won't remain single if just learn to accept them the way they are. or you find one of the very few exceptions

you have spoken my mind but as for you poster this is the characteristics of the regular nigerian man,sad but true,so you have 2 options.its either you marry them and live with all this characteristics or marry a non nigerian.

chaircover:

Sorry, but I dont understand what you are talking about . . . The only thing I picked up is that you are dissing Nigerian men in general.

Truth is, if you cant find anything positive in a Nigerian man, then you shouldn't really be going anywhere near them.

I feel insulted BTW

lol,i dont expect a typical nigerian man to accept it.they never admit their stock in trade like someone is lying against them

kulyie: lol,i dont expect a typical nigerian man to accept it.they never admit their stock in trade like someone is lying against them

CC is a female and she is happy with her NAIJA man, ur point being wat exactly

that because u had one or two bad experiences with naija men
all naija men are evil

Im sure one naija man(men) is saying the same abt u

In order to love them,you have got to be like them.......Don't ever get too emotional while dealing with a Naija man.There own love always wears a magnifying glass,let yours do the same and you will be just fine!!!Am married to one by the way,just that he is not the typical Naija man.

Keep seeking,their are exceptions.I really can't handle the typical Naija man because one us might wind up dead.

OP listen rather being defensive here, @chaircover have stated the obvious bout your mentality and peeves toward Nigerian culture, well sometimes the way we converse is what I can call weird

Lol @Byvan @wind up dead I don't blame you.

Btw my own Nigerian man is somewhat like you, doesn't want to have anything to do with Nigerian culture besides his association with older over 40 Nigerian uncles that mentors him( which was enforced by me), his mentality is wayy different from any typical Nigerian.
I don't know but his prerogative and I respect his decision all the way as much he respects mine.
His arrogance makes him more irresistible too so I don't wanna change him.( well if I can )

Have a open mind . They come in varieties.

Hmmmm....Naija men!

OP! All I can say is GOODLUCK and SAFE JOURNEY!

My dear no blame meoooo,life is stressful enough without anyone adding more crap to it.The typical Naija man is unmanageable for me @Jidegirl.

Typical

Catch them young!

Looovl, Vikin, looong time whatz happening with my DIL? Her naija hubby wont give her any problems I assure u lol

Love the post very informative. I know of the carnival tho iv nvr gone cuz I try n avoid crowds. I dnt really like publicity n try to maintain as much anonymity as possible. I Will try more festivals and weddings though. As I said thnk I'd prefer 2nd wife tho most cnt believe it due to my bkgrnd. I'm too busy to b 1st wife n dnt want the responsibility. I'm a stress free person who doesn't mk noise n wnt my time to be quality n relaxing not full of strife.

biolabee:

wowee....
Cherokee are brave warriors and [s]also a fine brand of car id like to drive [/s]

I hope you can find what you are looking for in this land
You just have to be patient

Also moving round the country would have been nice taking note f the security situation

Have u been to the Calabar Carnival happens december
Also visiting the village homes of your friends for weddings, new yam festivals can help your assimilation process

With your accent, you will surely not lack admirers as a foreigner is always a novelty but only a[b] self - assured amd made man[/b] will want to be with you for you rather than a ticket to yonder

The problem is that most of them are married already/divorced bla bla
They may not want that whole drama all over again where there are younger women who will not complicate their lives

Thnx. Well noted. The funny part is its mostly the ones outside tht chase me and feel they understand me. I can't seem to get along with them cuz they hv no faith n Naija , are neg and yet proffer no solutions to d problems at hand. I want a man as committed to naija as iam and who accepts that this will be home to his children n grand children so we had better start looking for solutions. I'm more drawn to Nigerian men who see Naija as the Queen she is as there's no place like home, no matter how green the grass may look on the other side. All people, nations, countries and governments face the same issues. What makes Naija unique n makes me love her more is that she's not hiding her inadequicies as most do. Its open and in your face so you know which areas need work. I love that no ones pretending to be perfect. Nigeria is just an infant going through the same growing pains as did every other nation once harnessed by Big Brother. Its all part of development. She will

byvan: In order to love them,you have got to be like them.......Don't ever get too emotional while dealing with a Naija man.There own love always wears a magnifying glass,let yours do the same and you will be just fine!!!Am married to one by the way,just that he is not the typical Naija man.

Keep seeking,their are exceptions.I really can't handle the typical Naija man because one us might wind up dead.

I'm not being defensive dear. Just making my point as she did hers we r all entitled to our opinions. Thnx for the feedbk tho, its duly noted tho quite off point as was hers,probably due to my inability to truly expln my bkgrnd n identity, But noted none the less

jidegirl12: OP listen rather being defensive here, @chaircover have stated the obvious bout your mentality and peeves toward Nigerian culture, well sometimes the way we converse is what I can call weird

Lol @Byvan @wind up dead I don't blame you.

Btw my own Nigerian man is somewhat like you, doesn't want to have anything to do with Nigerian culture besides his association with older over 40 Nigerian uncles that mentors him( which was enforced by me), his mentality is wayy different from any typical Nigerian.
I don't know but his prerogative and I respect his decision all the way as much he respects mine.
His arrogance makes him more irresistible too so I don't wanna change him.( well if I can )

Have a open mind . They come in varieties.

Straight n to d point! Nice

kulyie: you have spoken my mind but as for you poster this is the characteristics of the regular nigerian man,sad but true,so you have 2 options.its either you marry them and live with all this characteristics or marry a non nigerian.