My ex girlfriend/baby mama Nd i hv been separated since February 2013. Due to serious temper issue of hers which lead to serious family feud.now my family hav decided under no condition should i accept her back. Which i actually agreed not to anymore. But lately a friend sent me the pic of my cute little baby.(note) she left me when she was 8months pregnant. Nd now she has the baby and she vowed i ll never set eyes on my baby. She has since been hidding. Though i dont want her back,cos of her murderous intent intially. But i dont want my babygirl growing up not knowning who her father is or even follwing the mums footstep of upbringing. Day and night for 3months i hv thot about this issue.and its affecting. My family saying if i decided to take custody of the child,it ll lead to another battle. Both court and out of court.cos seriously she isnt going to let go of that child. And as for me. This child is my first born. And cnt and dont want to loose her just like that.

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igwemoagbo: My ex girlfriend/baby mama Nd i hv been separated since February 2013. Due to serious temper issue of hers which lead to serious family feud.now my family hav decided under no condition should i accept her back. Which i actually agreed not to anymore. But lately a friend sent me the pic of my cute little baby.(note) she left me when she was 8months pregnant. Nd now she has the baby and she vowed i ll never set eyes on my baby. She has since been hidding. Though i dont want her back,cos of her murderous intent intially. But i dont want my babygirl growing up not knowning who her father is or even follwing the mums footstep of upbringing. Day and night for 3months i hv thot about this issue.and its affecting. My family saying if i decided to take custody of the child,it ll lead to another battle. Both court and out of court.cos seriously she isnt going to let go of that child. And as for me. This child is my first born. And cnt and dont want to loose her just like that.

You can't say cos the mother is evil, you can't be in your child's life. It is your duty. With this kind of case, you have to involve the court, no other choice. I will suggest you look for a good family lawyer and they can better advice you.

You're not married to her and if you are residing in Nigeria, it is going to be one help of a battle as your people have said. I might be wrong anyway.
Goodluck sha cos you need it maybe next time wear some #20 rubber.

igwemoagbo: My ex girlfriend/baby mama Nd i hv been separated since February 2013. Due to serious temper issue of hers which lead to serious family feud.now my family hav decided under no condition should i accept her back. Which i actually agreed not to anymore. But lately a friend sent me the pic of my cute little baby.(note) she left me when she was 8months pregnant. Nd now she has the baby and she vowed i ll never set eyes on my baby. She has since been hidding. Though i dont want her back,cos of her murderous intent intially. But i dont want my babygirl growing up not knowning who her father is or even follwing the mums footstep of upbringing. Day and night for 3months i hv thot about this issue.and its affecting. My family saying if i decided to take custody of the child,it ll lead to another battle. Both court and out of court.cos seriously she isnt going to let go of that child. And as for me. This child is my first born. And cnt and dont want to loose her just like that.

so if you take custody of the child (i assume ur paying child support right or have set up a savings account for this child) what happens to the mother.

The child belongs to the mother!
When the girl is older, she will come for you!
Enjoy ya 'donor' status.

Have you been supporting the mother and child?
Did you financially support her when she was pregnant?
If you haven't start now before it gets late.
If you go to court to seek joint custody or even visitation the Judge will ask for evidence of support, that you have been in the childs life
Even if the mother was satan, you owed it to the child to support her coming into the world, you don't just wake up one day because you saw a cute picture and remember you are a dad.
Anyway, go to social welfare, tell them everything and say you want to work out a way of paying the backlog, and also support your child monthly.
Also ask for advice from them on visitation and how you can work out something.
The welfare officers are trained and will talk with her well.
Make sure all financial dealings are recorded or through them.
Getting a lawyer is putting the cart before the horse and setting her on the defensive.
Try the social welfare option if it doesn't work then get a lawyer

She wasnt jst my girlfriend, we had already done introduction. And preping for traditional marriage when all hell broke loose. As for child support and all.if i make attempts to contact her. She ll take advantage of it and bring up anoda fight.i know her very well. Though i want to still contact her.only because of my baby.but was advised not to.

How are you sure it is your 'baby'?
Abeg show us proof!
THIS IS NAIRALAND!!!
Where are the 'labor-ward' pix?

Placenta and MUCOUS PLUG nko?

I have given you practical advise except you want to stay here and keep lamenting on how horrible she is.
We get that part but its not about her its about your baby, I have given you steps to neutrally handle the issue without it turning to fight.
Best wishes

Let me get d picture well.
U left an 8 months pregnant woman alone till birth,after birth and it only take a picture from a friend for u to know u were responsible for one pregnant lady outta there sometime ago. U claimed she went into hiding,but yet u did introduction.
Now u want to reap where u did not sow.even askin for way to get custody of the baby u abandoned when she was in d womb.
Pls how can we define wickedness?
No matter how bad the lady is,a responsible man will never behave this way towards his unborn child. Kai!
So we still hv pple like this on this planet?

@OP
although this is difficult, there is something you have to remember: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN FIGHTING FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS RIGHT!

go to court, fight her with all your might, and if you dont get custody then at least you will get visitation rights (and will have your daughter share part of your life)......be ready to pay some court required child support, depending on where you live around the world.

here is a fact: just because baby mama doesnt want you to see the child MEANS SHIIT, as you have as much right on that child as she does! go claim what is yours, whether amicably or BY FORCE!

pls dont listen to people who call you wicked for trying to have a r/ship with your daughter (they must be high on some cheap drugs)......how/where/what or why you guys broke up is totally irrelevant, unless it is against that child's wellbeing.

yellowpawpaw: Let me get d picture well.
U left an 8 months pregnant woman alone till birth,after birth and it only take a picture from a friend for u to know u were responsible for one pregnant lady outta there sometime ago. U claimed she went into hiding,but yet u did introduction.
Now u want to reap where u did not sow.even askin for way to get custody of the baby u abandoned when she was in d womb.
Pls how can we define wickedness?
No matter how bad the lady is,a responsible man will never behave this way towards his unborn child. Kai!
So we still hv pple like this on this planet?

@yellow pawpaw,read well and understand b4 you comment. she left not me ...read the whole story again b4 you open your mouth and conclude i am a wicked person...

igwemoagbo:

@yellow pawpaw,read well and understand b4 you comment. she left not me ...read the whole story again b4 you open your mouth and conclude i am a wicked person...

you sound EXACTLY like my ex - anyway. You cannot wake up one day and decide you have a child, these things come with responsibilities.

If I were you try and make peace with the mother to enable a relationship with the child - like it or not right now they come as a package.

i guess she wasn't that bad when you were sleeping with her to produce a child.

Poster, so many people have given you valuable advice, you don't even aknowledge it talkless of respond and find a way forward you are more concerned with replying and exchanging words with those who disagree with you, bantering and throwing insults.
Hmmmm, shows how you are.
You just want an avenue to insult your ex and whine and not find solutions to what you are facing or even care for your baby.
Even though you say you opened this topic to know how to get your daughter it seems you are more concerned with bashing your ex and anyone who doesn't agree with you or join in the bashing a persona non grata.
Those giving you the advice you asked for you have totally ignored, if you want an ex bashing thread be bold enough to open one and not hide behind "I love my daughter"

Apologies, for dos felt insulted. Really its hard thinking what to do. And i ll seriously take all your advise on what to.but my fact still remains i want to be part of my babys life.and dont want the mum to use that avenue to reconcile, cos a damage is done already. Thanks very much for your contributions on dis issue. God willing ll take charge with my decision.

How are you sure she hasn't moved on? Why do you think she is there waiting for reconciliation?
I have told you how to go through social welfare and made sure all transactions are through them.
It seems you are the one obsessed with you.
She is raising a child alone, living her life, You are the one who comes up with "I want to be in my childs life" yet seem more concerned about the ex than the child.

@Igwe,

I have read your post and advices given, It seems you are yet to comprehend the solution given to you. You want to be part of your child's life (though you were not there for her when she needed you most)

---

Debrief has given you a direct and professional solution to your problem yet you keep whinning about your ex.

Now, write out Debrief's solution and follow it religiously. That is all what you need for now. Request the MOD to close this thread.

Meanwhile, your EX has moved on, if not, it will not be from your friend that you will see cute picture of an innocent child.

igwemoagbo: My ex girlfriend/baby mama Nd i hv been separated since February 2013. Due to serious temper issue of hers which lead to serious family feud.now my family hav decided under no condition should i accept her back. Which i actually agreed not to anymore. But lately a friend sent me the pic of my cute little baby.(note) she left me when she was 8months pregnant. Nd now she has the baby and she vowed i ll never set eyes on my baby. She has since been hidding. Though i dont want her back,cos of her murderous intent intially. But i dont want my babygirl growing up not knowning who her father is or even follwing the mums footstep of upbringing. Day and night for 3months i hv thot about this issue.and its affecting. My family saying if i decided to take custody of the child,it ll lead to another battle. Both court and out of court.cos seriously she isnt going to let go of that child. And as for me. This child is my first born. And cnt and dont want to loose her just like that.

What exactly went wrong

You were already on your way to the altar so what was the 'hell that broke loose'

What gives you the impression that she will want to reconcile with you? You may probably be dead to her. Bringing a child to this world is not easy talkless of raising one.

Abeg stop feeling important and do what debrief has suggested.

iamsaved: What gives you the impression that she will want to reconcile with you? You may probably be dead to her. Bringing a child to this world is not easy talkless of raising one.

Abeg stop feeling important and do what debrief has suggested.

Thank you - when my ex and his family were telling me that no man will want me blah blah blah they thought my destiny was in their hands - me i have swiftly moved on and my daughter now has a responsible father and daddy. meanwhile my ex sister in law was telling me months ago that child is her blood - when my child benefit was delayed and tax credits and i had not even a kobo to my name and charity and family feeding my child - she wasn't ur blood then abi.

oga poster the simple truth is this - you cannot reap what you have not sown, be mature and responsible and even if ur ex doesn't allow u access there will be documented proof in future to show u tried.

People are missing the point completely. YES, the father should contribute financially to the child's life, BUT only if he is financially able to (not contributing DOESNT remove his parental rights). sadly, financial support has no relevance in this case, IF THE OP IS BROKE. caring for a child has much more to do than giving money....and a father will NEVER be dismissed from his children's life simply because he has no money. you all should get your facts right.

its because of women that want to punish father (while using their children) that so many children are growing up damaged.
too many women think they can control who can or cannot have access to their children, while a biological parent will/should ALWAYS have that right, unless stated otherwise by law. whether the OP dumped her or didnt contribute to the child's welfare is irrelevant.

baby mama has made NO attempt to contact baby daddy, and that can also be viewed as wrong/irresponsible from her part. unless, of course, you people believe that just carrying a child for 9months is a proof that she is doing what is right for that said child (highly laughable).

Bro I feel u but in my book, if you are not ready to father a child, dont let it come into the world

MRbrownJAY: People are missing the point completely. YES, the father should contribute financially to the child's life, BUT only if he is financially able to (not contributing DOESNT remove his parental rights). sadly, financial support has no relevance in this case, IF THE OP IS BROKE. caring for a child has much more to do than giving money....and a father will NEVER be dismissed from his children's life simply because he has no money. you all should get your facts right.

its because of women that want to punish father (while using their children) that so many children are growing up damaged.
too many women think they can control who can or cannot have access to their children, while a biological parent will/should ALWAYS have that right, unless stated otherwise by law. whether the OP dumped her or didnt contribute to the child's welfare is irrelevant.

baby mama has made NO attempt to contact baby daddy, and that can also be viewed as wrong/irresponsible from her part. unless, of course, you people believe that just carrying a child for 9months is a proof that she is doing what is right for that said child (highly laughable).

mr brown jay - i get ur point but something is better than nothing - its not just the money - u do know that some men will take out their anger for the mother on the child and refuse to see the child.

i don't want to talk about my situation but this not having money is the same line that was given to me - i'm sorry but if my brother got a girl pregnant we as a family would club together and try and support that child - my ex works in the media industry in nigeria (thats all i will say) are u going to tell me that someone who literally used to flush money down the toilet can't bring even £50 to buy pampers

what has the poster done to see his child - i know what i have done as a mother to put food on the table and the insult i received in the past to get my ex to be more involved with his daughter yet nothing - ok the poster's ex left - who the hell leaves the father of her child at 8 months pregnant for no good reason - chei see spin

igwemoagbo: My ex girlfriend/baby mama Nd i hv been separated since February 2013. Due to serious temper issue of hers which lead to serious family feud.now my family hav decided under no condition should i accept her back. Which i actually agreed not to anymore. But lately a friend sent me the pic of my cute little baby.(note) she left me when she was 8months pregnant. Nd now she has the baby and she vowed i ll never set eyes on my baby. She has since been hidding. Though i dont want her back,cos of her murderous intent intially. But i dont want my babygirl growing up not knowning who her father is or even follwing the mums footstep of upbringing. Day and night for 3months i hv thot about this issue.and its affecting. My family saying if i decided to take custody of the child,it ll lead to another battle. Both court and out of court.cos seriously she isnt going to let go of that child. And as for me. This child is my first born. And cnt and dont want to loose her just like that.

Personally, from what I've read here, I don't think you're mature enough to be a real dad to that child of yours and maybe your ex realised that quite early on and called the union quits. I'll tell you why I think so:

In all of your says here, it's quite obvious that your family seems to make your decisions, re the bolded bits. Why should your family decide who you choose to spend your life with or not?? Don't get me wrong...it's okay for family members to give their opinions and even caution you but at the end of the day, you should be the one making the final decision, not them. Or aren't you not man enough, mature enough to make life changing decisions for yourself? Why must your family hand-hold you and direct you on how to live your life?

Which brings me to my second question: Do you have a regular source of income? Do you have a job? Live independently and have your own place? Or are you a student living off your parents / family members? If you are, then I'm afraid you're in no position to even think of going for full custody of your daughter. How do you intend to support her? Off the back of charity from your family?

Finally, if you really want to have access to your daughter, then you really must learn to keep your differences with your ex aside for the sake of your daughter. Comments like these won't help your cause and would only serve to set her against you:

~ Her murderous intent...
~ My baby following the mum's footsteps (I guess you're the saint here)
~ Serious temper issues of hers leading to family feuds (gives the impression that you stood back, did nothing to support her or during the crises / clashes, or at the very least act as an intermediary for the sake of peace)

Nothing good comes easy. If you really want to gain access to your daughter, then you have to work at it. Get a job and your own place if you don't already have those. Learn to think for yourself, rather than puppet dance to the strings your family pulls you with, follow the professional advice already given to you....but most of all, MAN UP! BE A MAN! for crying out loud.

Shikena.

Jaybrown, This advice I have given him for free on Nairaland, he will pay a lawyer plenty money to do the same process for him.
If you want to be in your childs life a judge will ask for any evidence of support, a Judge will not hear that you couldn't trace her, the Judge will ask if you tried reaching her family, if you tried supporting the mother through the pregnancy and the birth.
He says he doesn't want any confrontation with her, His people don't want to intervene, what I have adviced is as clear and as unbiased as any sensible Lawyer would give why are you getting upset?
Should it have been better if I ignored it and left him to go and spend money with a Lawyer?
If he goes to social welfare first he has an advantage because it will be on record that he initiated the process and has shown interest.
This is not a man verse woman issue, whenever a child is involved my concern is "The best interest of the child", mother and father want to play games, a social worker will be the voice of reason hence I am directing him there.
If you have a better suggestion please make it and stop attacking and generalising.

@Cotton101

sista, the baby mama has to do what is RIGHT FOR THE CHILD, not for her own selfish intentions. anyone saying that keeping daddy away from a child's life is better for the child, is either deluded or must have a very good reason why the father should be excluded from the childs life (not buying diapers is NOT one of them).

just because a father hasnt done anything for a child is still irrelevant, and although baby daddy will need to prove that he can care for the child properly before he can have unsupervised visitation (not necessarily financial wise), that is all that is needed of him.

@ Debrief
bro, pls do not misinform poor NLers who cannot afford proper advices.
NO COURT will tell a father that he has lost his parental rights, simply because he hasnt got money, didnt support babay mama during pregnancy etc....this is a damn lie! to support a child, a man needs to have ACCESS to that child, which baby daddy did not have. baby daddy wants to try to support the child, this is why he is coming out. he certainly doesnt need to support the child BEFORE HE CAN HAVE HIS RIGHTS AS A FATHER IMPLEMENTED. baby daddy never lost the rights to be in his childs life, and if he ever does, ONLY a court can grant that....... and certainly not a biased baby mama.
where is YOUR best interest for the child when you want to stop a father for having contact with his child, for no reason whatsoever. did the baby daddy commit a crime that would endenger the child's life? did the baby daddy hurt the child in any ways?

here is my solution as to what is BEST FOR THE CHILD:
baby mama should put her selfish view of baby daddy aside, and meet him so that he can visit his child with supervision (at first). when baby daddy proves that he can take care of the child in the proper manner on his own, then he can have unsupervised visitation. baby daddy should provide whatever he possibly can for the welfare of that said child( if he is unemployed then that certainly shouldnt change anything in this matter of VISITATION RIGHTS)

@Efemena xy
- are you saying that fathers who cannot contribute financially to their childs life are better off OUT of that said child's life?!
- are you saying that a father who cannot contribute to his childs life (financially) is not a "real" dad?!

Are we reading the same thing?
I have read and read and can't seem to find where loosing parental rights popped up from.
He wants custody of his child, joint, partial or shared custody that's all I advised him on.
I never mentioned loosing his parental rights.
If his people would even agree to go to hers most of this will be settled but he says they won't.
Please read well before you attack oh

^^^if the baby mama is stopping him from seeing his child then that is loss of his parental rights, and he can take her to court for that. it is his RIGHT to have access to his child (whether he bought diapers or not) and NO mother can stop him from that. therefore he should have access to that said child, instead of doing whatever anyone is saying he should do.

many of you are saying that he should contribute FIRST before he can hope to have visitation etc, which i called "nonsense". the only thing he should do is finding where she lives and going there to see his child, end of story.

whatever his parents say/think is a totally different matter to the subject of the OP having the rights to be in this child's life.

MRbrownJAY:
@Efemena xy
- are you saying that fathers who cannot contribute financially to their childs life are better off OUT of that said child's life?!
- are you saying that a father who cannot contribute to his childs life (financially) is not a "real" dad?!

No, MrBrownJay, I said neither of what you've written up there. But now that you mention it, (finance), you tell me: How do you propose that guy supports his 8 month old daughter in Nigeria without contributing a Kobo to her welfare? In Nigeria of all places?? Does his daughter not have financial needs? Does she not need food, clothing and shelter (the basic necessities of life)? Does she survive on fresh air??

My main concern with the @OP here is his level of maturity which I've stated in very clear terms. His manner of speaking / referring to the mother of his child leaves a lot to be desired plus, the fact that he has a very long way to go emotionally. He doesn't come across as mature, nor does he seem to have a mind of his own, or capable of making any life changing decision INDEPENDENTLY without the input / opinion of his family.

How then can such a person even think of going for full custody of his daughter? Any Tom, d!ck, or Harry can whip out their JT and father a child. It takes a real man to man up, take full responsibility and care for his child.

Efemena_xy:

No, MrBrownJay, I said neither of what you've written up there. But now that you mention it, (finance), you tell me: How do you propose that guy supports his 8 month old daughter in Nigeria without contributing a Kobo to her welfare? In Nigeria of all places?? Does his daughter not have financial needs? Does she not need food, clothing and shelter (the basic necessities of life)? Does she survive on fresh air??

My main concern with the @OP here is his level of maturity which I've stated in very clear terms. His manner of speaking / referring to the mother of his child leaves a lot to be desired plus, the fact that he has a very long way to go emotionally. He doesn't come across as mature, nor does he seem to have a mind of his own, or capable of making any life changing decision INDEPENDENTLY without the input / opinion of his family.

How then can such a person even think of going for full custody of his daughter? Any Tom, d!ck, or Harry can whip out their JT and father a child. It takes a real man to man up, take full responsibility and care for his child.

thank you - these are (the poster) the type that take custody of the child as a way to spite the woman and make the child a househelp in the village