DON’T GO THAT WAY

I laid on my bed thinking the whole stuff through. This was the fifth time I would be repeating the same feat but my thought pointed nowhere. It just kept staring right into my eyes. I was shaken that even my breaths were coming in shakes too. I know it pays to be funny but then, how funny could one be that would want to cost him his life.

A life that I so cherished and never wanted to give up, well, we all must die someday but I want to leave up to 80 years lying peacefully on my bed with a pretty damsel sucking my dcckk till I see the bright lights. What death could be as sweet as that, climaxing then finding yourself in heaven?

That’s how wild my imagination can run and I really allowed it to run wild that day, if not extra wild all in the hope of being funny. I ended up apologizing to the school authority. Though that is not even the main story but I could deflect a little bit since I am the writer and my readers would always find fun digging into my world of fantasies.

First, most of my works are 95% fiction and 5% reality, the whole pregnancy saga, erotic stories, Attai the player from Kano and what have you but the biography is as real as my dcckk dripping with seed sucked forcefully by a girl with lips as tender as olives.

That said and done, let me delve into one of my fantasies again.

“Attai, we are having world women day in the convocation hall and I want you to do what you do most, come and be a standup comedian”

AU (You remember the Dean of Student Affairs) said.

“Well, sir you know I can’t refuse you but I am preparing for EEC122 test and it is proving to be tough sir.”

I replied him. I was standing respectfully in front of his table after I had been summoned by him on phone. That is a relationship that is normal in my school, having even the Rector’s number and calling just to say “hi” to him. Once in a blue moon though we also receive our own “hi’s from him”.

“What are you trying to insinuate?”

AU asked, lowering his dark goggles in the process. I looked him in his eyeball, he definitely has a red one but I wonder why he uses the glasses even in the night and right here in his office. I shifted on one leg and pinched my buttocks.

“Sir, I’m not saying I won’t be available sir, but you know, it can cost me my CA sir”

I answered. We had been thought how to use the word “sir” both at the beginning and the ending of every statement we made in school to our lecturers. They enjoy being referred to as such.

“Well, you have to do it because I enjoyed the display you put on during your matriculation. You know, you will be doing better if you had joined my department when I offered you the chance, but you chose Computer Engineering and here you are.”

He said before looking down at the document he was busy with. If he had asked a question with that statement then I had no answer than to stand and pace around the office looking at his various pictures adorning it and medals plus trophies the school had won during competitions.

I know he had tried to make me join his department but I hated Chemistry, I told myself I had left balancing equations behind so would not want to revisit it anymore. If all I would do is to keep calculating, I will as long as there is no need to balance equations. What would a guru like me be doing in Polymer Department I had asked myself when he brought the idea the day he met me with the Academic Secretary trying to sort my admission. My ar.sse had been kicked out of Elect/Elect Department for had a D7 in English language. Just imagine!!! I ended up a computer Engineer.

“Sir, are you going to help me talk to the lecturer sir?

I asked this time because I had a hidden agenda in mind. Entertainers don’t read, they pass through school with high grades.

“Yes, who is the lecturer?”

He asked.

“Malam Salihu”

I replied him.

“Owk, don’t worry, I will do my best. You can go.”

I had struck the deal. I knew money would be involved because I counted a lot on the day of matriculation when I had forced the MC to include my name as a road side entertainer. I ended up wowing the crowd and making money to keep me for some time. Everybody wanted to take a picture with me; I became an instant celebrity both in the eyes of the school authority and the students. I ignored the job of an MC because they don’t make extra cash but a comedian does.

***************************************************************

“Na slap my mama dey carry wake me up go piss in the night after every one hour. Like say she set alarm because when one minute use pass that one hour, na piss go full room like swimming pool. I piss for bed sotey my mama carry me go pastor make them pray for me. When pastor say I go sleep for church for three days, after the first day nobody tell am before him pursue me go house. Church nearly collapse because I piss from 8:00pm till 8:00am in the morning.” (Copyright protected)

I was on top of my jokes. The whole school was roaring with laughter as I dished jokes after jokes. Then came the time for the joke of the day, the joke caused me my celebrity status and also humbled me in an annoying manner.

“Na when I start this school I know say English no be our first language. Na Arabic we dey take learn English for class. If na lie ask our Rector”

They laughed but that sealed it. I was nearly rusticated from the school, just for cracking a joke I had kept inside of me for so long. Choi.

******************************************************************

Well, that wasn’t even what made me open this thread and take you down imaginative and creative writing. What prompted me was my remembering how sensitive some issues are when mocked or spoken against. Though I have never spoken against anything before and was even ignorant to know I was digging my grave, I still was not spared the beating.

I was in JSS 2 then.

“Who can make a sentence using an adverb?”

Miss Modupe asked that fateful day. I raised my hands up, I wanted to get back at my classmate that had used my name in a crazy sentence. The boy was a Muslim and he bears a name most people bear down north.

“Mohammed ran stupidly across the road.”

For Mohammed was the name of my classmate. I woke up in the Proprietor’s office, I know I received a slap from behind and tried to parry blows and other slaps before something hard landed on my head.

I had passed out.

Front page please

Frontpage after just an update? Nice work though. Revisit the spellings: *leave (live) *thought (taught)

Larry-Sun:
Frontpage after just an update? Nice work though. Revisit the spellings: *leave (live) *thought (taught)

Na only one update na... I no get plans to continue.

It sucks with just a single update.

Foxy_Vista:

Can't start what I won't complete so I prefer to live it at this...

You've already started a lot which you didn't complete.

VanTee20:
Don't say anything just continue

Foxy_Vista:

What is the P?

VanTee20:
Don't say anything just continue

Howdy, Van?

Larry-Sun:
Howdy, Van?

I'm fine sir, you?

VanTee20:
I'm fine sir, you?

I'm great. I've really lagged behind in your Classic, but I'll meet up soon.

NERDS ARE ANNOYING (LARRY-SUN GETS PUNCHED)


“Why must you meddle into matters that don’t concern you?”

Foxybone asked Larry-Sun his eye burning red with anger. This was the umpteenth time that Larry-Sun is getting involved with Foxybone’s personal issues and it was so annoying.

“You don’t understand, it is he that wants the best for you that points out your wrong”

Larry-Sun replied trying to justify what he just did.

“Pointing out my wrong like telling me in public that my teeth stinks abi?”

Foxy screamed the rage in him spilling outside that his once fair face had turned red with suppressed anger.

“I did not mean it that way, it was an idiomatic expression to make you understand you were beginning to talk out of like.”

He answered.

“Idiomatic expression in front of all those babes abi? Did you even consider my feelings before spewing that garbage from you box of literary collection?”

Foxy asked again, this time drawing a foot close to Larry-Sun his fist clenched ready to cast a punch on Larry-Sun’s jaw.

“Well, it helped you because you finally kept your mouth shut.”

He answered raising his voice a little higher. That ended the whole stuff for what followed was a cracking sound like bone being broken in two. Well no bone was broken, it was just the sound of Foxybone’s fist landing squarely on Larry’s jaw.

“Yeehhh, na me you blow?”

Larry-Sun spoke English for the first time since he became Foxybone’s roommate.

“No, I just test your face make I see the softness”

Foxy replied sarcastically.

“Owk, you just brought it on yourself, you are going to face the full wrath of my anger. I am going to show you what it means to fukkcc with me.”

Larry-Sun screamed and ran outside the house.

What had he gone to do Foxy kept asking himself but he was already blinded with anger to even care, all he cared about was Larry-Sun provoking him more and receiving the beating of his life from him.

Foxybone was stronger, fatter, thicker and worked out regularly in the gym while Larry was just a sorry sight, a nerd who never left his book. He went out of line the very first day that Foxybone had asked him to accompany him to a party. That same day Foxy dealt him a punch and that same day he ran out of the house to go and mobilize himself.

Here is the story:

“O boy, one party dey o but no be me go do MC, I just wan go rock all those girls nyash.”

Foxybone told his ever annoying roommate whose gaze was fixed on an Engineering Mathematics textbook.

“Ehen, you will have to gist me when you come back.”

Larrysun replied obviously uninterested. This dude has no iota of social life in him, just book, book and book, Foxy reasoned. He would have to take him out tonight.

“Why I go gist you when you go follow me go there yourself so that you go see for yourself.”

Foxybone tried to persuade him.

“Not at all, I’m not going anywhere, I just came here to get a degree.”

He answered. The dude was acting tough, who else came to the university and had spent 2 years out of 5 years and would want to leave with a Diploma Foxy asked himself.

“I know na but this one na educational party, we go dey learn and dey flex at the same time”.

Foxy chipped it. At the mention of the word, “Learn”, Larry-Sun became interested.

“Are you sure of what you are saying because I can’t find any correlation between learning and partying.”

He responded.

“See, over book dey worry you, na the professors from our department self dey host the party and I sure say them go teach us wetin go comot for test tomorrow.”

Foxybone was winning the battle.

“Owk, I will attend the party.”

************************************************************

“Wetin be this for your hand”

Foxybone asked as he waited impatiently for the Nerd of his roommate to appear from his room.

“Quantum Physics”

Larry-Sun replied.

“I forgot to add that we would all be given free textbooks so you don’t need this one and you don’t need the shirt and trousers you are putting on either. I will give you some of my clothes to chose from.”

Foxybone led Larry-Sun back into the room.

*****************************************************************

If the party had not met Larry-Sun’s expectation is not for me to say since he is also here and reading it. Let’s hear from the horse’s mouth how he felt and what he saw when he attended the party and what happened after he returned from where he had gone leaving the threat he had threatened Foxybone with hanging on the air.

Well, what I know is, there was a NARROW ESCAPE.

Foxy_Vista:


Come and continue this story and I want you to tell them the whole truth.

How old are you, Foxy?

Have fun.

Foxy_Vista:

Kai... This man... You get babe at all?

Write another chapter on that and bid for frontpage.

Larry-Sun:
I'm great. I've really lagged behind in your Classic, but I'll meet up soon.

Ok sir. The thing is even nearing the end, there are only three or so episodes left.

Foxy_Vista:

Some people take this life so serious that they get old without even noticing it.

This dude go scream had I known later ooo

, btw you never show face for my thread again o. Wetin I take do you na?

Foxy_Vista:

I no dey too dey Nairaland this days + say I dey run new handle right now so I no even dey follow your tori but I go go check now now.

Thanks .