Hello NLers, I came across this hilarious letter and thought of sharing it here. It should brighten your Monday, I implore you to relax, read & enjoy...

My one&only husby,

I’m hoping you read this but even if I haven’t met you, I know I will soon. We’ve all been waiting for you for a while now. What’s keeping you? Was your flight delayed or are you too busy making our millions? My aunties keep asking, my mum keeps praying and even my father has a look in his eyes these days like “Oh girl, how far? Wetin dey happen?” I used to tell them you were on the next bus coming into town but then I realised that my future husband would have a car and not just one of those that went toh-toh-toh with thick exhaust fumes and body-odor laced wind-conditioning. Also he would not be a johnny-just-come so brothers in the village or who recently moved to town please do not see me in a vision or ask pastor about me.

My dear husband, tribe is not important but surnames are important. I don’t want our kids teased in school. If you cannot pronounce your own surname without gulping air, I suggest you get a new one. Also if your parents named your nephew Victory-over-satan or Hygienius please inform them that they will not be naming our kids. I heard about a woman whose Mother-in-law gave her kids horrible tribal marks while she was at work. May I inform you that if that ever happens, I will sue! I want bright kids so if you are an average-joe, I suggest you up your game and get a Ph.D so you don’t have to lie to your children that you came first in school.

Smelly, hairy arm-pits are disgusting, I want to be able to smell your pheromones without choking. I like CK euphoria, please make it your primary scent, especially when you want me to give you some after a long day…it makes me all warm inside! I hope you are not one of those men who don’t flush toilets. Your shit ain’t one of the seven wonders of the world and I couldn’t care less if it took you ten minutes to get it out. I will not applaud the feat and the sooner it’s forgotten the better for us all. If in your single days, you and your friends thought it amusing to entertain yourselves with fart of different sounds, duration and concentrations, please note that I am royalty and such behaviour will be severely frowned at. Boxers should not be recycled unless I am out of town! Any funky smell whatsoever would land you sleeping on the couch! And if you think an Al Qaeda beard or a body hairy like a bear is cool or you have to wear boxers a size larger to accommodate all the hair in there and you think it is sexy, then obviously you must have used jazz to get me and I must warn you that my mother is a pastor and I will not visit you in Yaba-left when you finally go mad as punishment for casting a smell um I mean spell upon me!

Now I’ll be second wife to only one entity, football. Not because I’m so crazy about the game but because I figure you can’t cheat and watch football at the same time. So your attachment to your team is inversely proportional to your straying. Yes, about straying…I know you’ll be a CEO or a senior manager one day but my dear husband, female secretaries and PA’s with boobs are a no-no. I also don’t think a house girl is ideal but since I don’t want a house boy molesting my girls, I’m considering hiring a 42 year old female day time house-keeper. Not that I don’t trust you boo but nobody leaves meat around for the dogs to learn self-control with. Also if we are driving by or surrounded by women, I expect you to have tunnel-vision and I should be the only light at the end of your tunnel. I’ll ask you if I’m hotter than Halle Berry every once in a while and knowing how smart and peace-loving the man I married is, his answer will always be an enthusiastic ‘Yes!’.
You are allowed to enjoy your beer though I will not tolerate drunken displays, you are no longer a teenager. If you come home late at night with stale beer-breath and expect me to kiss you without throwing up in your mouth, please make use of the Listerine in the bathroom before any amorous attempts. I do not condone smoking and I can sniff out cigarette smoke a mile away. I really don’t care about it killing your lungs, you are an adult and if you choose to make me a widow early in life, that’s your choice but permit me to remarry. The reason I will not stand you smoking around me is that secondary smokers die first, so if you plan to kill me off, do it in a more ingenious way rather than making me die a long painful death in cancer’s cold grip!
Please be warned that my uncle’s an AIG and so if you are presently a swindler, yahoo-boy or gambler I will hand you over to him without remorse and never bring you food or come see you in jail. I cannot have police coming to my house with search warrants. Have you seen a house after the police search it? It takes days to get it back in order not to mention the neighbors’ gossip. We are a good christian family and I’d like to keep it that way, who knows you may be deacon one day!

Where staying out late is concerned, please make sure you take your key and if you expect any late night loving or a listening ear for your alcohol-induced excited chatter, please come home before midnight. When we argue please do not storm out of the house. Be warned that I’d have locked the door prior to a fight if I notice you are one of those men who run when mad. I don’t want you driving into a tree and killing yourself before I have a chance to apologize and tell you how much I love you. I hear you men like to storm off and head to a beer-parlor where you can drink your beer and calm yourself down when angry. Well honey, there’ll be beer in the fridge and we have a parlor, I won’t intrude, knock yourself out! Please remember that we are on the same team and that the sun must not go down on our anger. Please always remember to fight fair. I will not call you names or bring up a list of your past faults and I don’t expect you to do so either. Also do not under any circumstances hit me or even push me. I am your woman and I bruise easily. I know I did not marry a coward cos what other sort of man would hit a woman? Remember I may be irrational, impulsive and impatient sometimes but you are still my protector. Don’t make me learn karate!!!

Please do not be a one to three-minute-man. I will not fake the big ‘O’ so that you know when exactly you are not getting it right. I will try most things but draw the line at bizarre. I know men are useless after s3x but please muster up enough strength after I tire you out to cuddle me and call me those beautiful names that make me blush before you doze of and try not to snore, it ruins it for me and keeps me tossing and turning hours after you’ve made your grand entry into dreamland.

I will cook any and everything for you as I am an accomplished cook and I know that being a reasonable man, you will not err as long as I keep your tummy, ego and junior well satisfied but I would prefer you didn’t send me to the kitchen to make fufu, starch or groundnut soup. If you have a strong affiliation for those foods that cannot be satisfied with pounded yam and banga soup or eba and edikainkong or semo and egusi soup, I suggest we visit your mother from time to time so you can suck breast but much as I hate the above listed food, I will cook them all day, every day to keep my home. If you ever think the money you give me for food is too much, please know that you will be accompanying me to the market on my next trip for a feasibility study!

Please don’t think that because I haven’t listed the usual ‘ten things I want in a man’, I do not require them. I want a man who stands up for me, one who defends me 100% in public even if he’ll chastise me in private. I want a man who massages me after a long day and doesn’t think it unheard of to give me breakfast in bed more than once a year since I’ll be pampering him 363 days in a year. I want a man who knows how to handle my PMS in a compassionate and kind manner and is patient with my imperfections. I must warn you that I will not be a ‘Stepford-wife’ and I will get on your every last nerve once in a while but I will love you unconditionally, pray for you unfailingly, trust you implicitly, worry about you when you are sick, share all your burdens, take care of our children, stay awake till you come home at night, stay faithful even when you have a gut the size of china and need viagra the same way you need water and still be your number one fan. I’m your woman and I cannot wait for the first day of the rest of our lives….

Come quick!

Yours sincerely,
Wifey!

P.S: I wonder how much DHL will charge to find you and deliver this letter. Have a lovely night my husband, your unborn children say wassup…xoxoxo



Source: Memoirs from a woman with chutzpah (http://chocolatechutzpah./)

**** my eyes ****

Dangerous obsession.

If they say make una pray for hubby, that one na taboo, but to be writing crazy letter, na im una dey prefer.

I'll comment wen i finish reading this nxt year.
Even skimming can't do this.

Not again!

wo..... lovely

Na who go read all dz?

Beautiful!

^^ did'o! Crazy but unrealistically funny ...lol

God is able and more than able. The bible urges us to acknowledge the lord and He will grant us the desires of our heart. @op what you need is God. Love Him, respect Him, obey Him, abstain from evil , please Him and you will see that of a truth, we serve a faithful God.

MEN.... this letter heavy oooo

Handsomeemmy: MEN.... this letter heavy oooo

the letter gets reposted every few weeks.

Phd Thesis

you get my like for being a Mad Men fan.

J'adore Mad Men.

I wonder why Nigerians are lazy to read, like they say, "if you want to hide something from a black man put it in a book". Stop reading, Stop learning.

The writer, at least to me, doesnt sound desperate. In fact, she comes across as a very witty, creative, funny and eloquent lady. These are the type of ladies we need in our generation, not bimbos.

@tpia, prayer isn't the only problem, I believe the problem also lies in selfishness, realism & impatience.

Hubby's reply:

Dear future wife, I have read all the terms and conditions listed in your last letter and I agree to all of 'em. As you've agreed to be a second wife to football and football only, there's this football project i'm working on and it will take 96 years and three months to complete. I will take the next flight to see you as soon as i'm done with it. I'm sure you'll wait. I bought you a diamond bracelet. You'll have it after our honeymoon. I love you loads. xoxoxo.

Your darling future husband,
Me.

PS: Lot's of luv to our unborn kids.

Allwell: Hubby's reply:

Dear future wife, I have read all the terms and conditions listed in your last letter and I agree to all of 'em. As you've agreed to be a second wife to football and football only, there's this football project i'm working on and it will take 96 years and three months to complete. I will take the next flight to see you as soon as i'm done with it. I'm sure you'll wait. I bought you a diamond bracelet. You'll have it after our honeymoon. I love you loads. xoxoxo.

Your darling future husband,
Me.

PS: Lot's of luv to our unborn kids.

This has to be one of the funniest "Dear Future Hubby" letter I've come across. The ending was very sweet.

ThoniaSlim: This has to be one of the funniest "Dear Future Hubby" letter I've come across. The ending was very sweet.

^^ a name(ThoniaSlim) i haven't across for a long long long long time.

the man obviously looses his identity living for you, takes all ur insecurities and imperfections while u make ur own lists of d dream perfect guy.u draw lines on his actions n activities as a man.ofcourse u feminise him to suit ur life.n hw funny u throw in unconditional love amidts al dese cause its all love abi.as humorous as it all sounds, dis is wat d 21st century women hav turnd into n dis is realisticaly found in some marriages.n weak willd men just giv in tinking dt dey r living.y do u tink women r d ones crazy about marriage? So much 4 a future wife.unconditional love O please pass me d damn beer.

Stop being too critical, dreaming isnt a crime! Everyone is free to have dreams, am sure you want to be weaithier than Dangote someday... innit bruv?

troy20: the man obviously looses his identity living for you, takes all ur insecurities and imperfections while u make ur own lists of d dream perfect guy.u draw lines on his actions n activities as a man.ofcourse u feminise him to suit ur life.n hw funny u throw in unconditional love amidts al dese cause its all love abi.as humorous as it all sounds, dis is wat d 21st century women hav turnd into n dis is realisticaly found in some marriages.n weak willd men just giv in tinking dt dey r living.y do u tink women r d ones crazy about marriage? So much 4 a future wife.unconditional love O please pass me d damn beer.