Charles: * “Mary and I were thrilled with the arrival of our
baby daughter. But I lost a lot of sleep in the first few months
after she was born. We had all sorts of plans for how to deal
with her, but all of them quickly vanished.”

Mary: “With the birth of our baby, my life was no longer my
own. Suddenly, everything revolved around the next bottle,
the next diaper change, or the next attempt to quiet the baby.
The adjustment was immense. It took months before my
relationship with Charles returned to normal.”

MANY would agree that having children is one of the greatest
joys in life. The Bible describes children as “a reward” from
God. ( Psalm 127:3 ) New parents like Charles and Mary also
know that children can change a marriage in unexpected ways.
For example, a new mother may focus on her baby and be
surprised at how her body and heart respond to each whimper
of the newborn. As for the new father, he may marvel at the
bond formed between his wife and the baby, but he may also
worry about suddenly being left out.
In fact, the birth of a first child may be a catalyst for a crisis in
a marriage. An individual’s emotional insecurities and a
couple’s unresolved issues may surface, exposed and magnified
by the strains of parenthood.
How can new parents adjust to the hectic first few months
when the newborn requires all their attention? What can a
couple do to maintain their intimacy? How can they handle any
disagreements about parenting? Let us examine each of those
challenges and consider how Bible principles can help a couple
to meet them.

CHALLENGE 1: Life suddenly revolves
around the child.
A new baby consumes its mother’s time and thoughts. She
may feel a deep sense of emotional fulfillment in caring for her
baby. Meanwhile, her husband might feel neglected. Manuel,
who lives in Brazil, says: “My wife’s shift of focus from me to
our baby was the most difficult change for me to accept.
Before, it was just the two of us, and then all of a sudden, it
was just my wife and the baby.” How can you cope with the
upheaval?
A key to success: Be patient. “Love is long-suffering and
kind,” says the Bible. Love “does not look for its own
interests, does not become provoked.” ( 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5 )
When a new baby arrives, what can both husband and wife do
to apply that counsel?
A wise husband proves his love for his wife by educating
himself about the physical and mental impact childbirth has on
a woman. If he does so, he will realize why his wife may be
prone to sudden mood changes. * Adam, who lives in France
and is the father of an 11-month-old girl, admits: “My wife’s
mood changes are sometimes difficult to deal with. But I try to
remember that her frustration is not really directed at me
personally. Rather, it is a response to the unfamiliar stresses of
our new situation.”
Does your wife sometimes misunderstand your attempts to
help out? If so, do not quickly become offended. ( Ecclesiastes
7:9 ) Instead, patiently look for her best interests, not your
own, and you will avoid getting upset.​— Proverbs 14:29 .
On the other hand, a discerning wife will try to encourage her
husband in his new role. She will involve him in child care,
patiently showing him how to change diapers or prepare
feeding bottles​—even though he may seem clumsy at first.
Ellen, a 26-year-old mother, recognized that she needed to
make some adjustments in the way she treated her husband.
“I had to become less possessive of the baby,” she says. “And
I had to remind myself not to be too picky when my husband
tried to apply my suggestions about caring for the infant.”

TRY THIS: Wives, if your husband performs some child-care
task in a different way than you do, resist the urge to criticize
him or to redo the job. Commend him for what he does
adequately, and you will build his confidence and encourage
him to give you the support you need. Husbands, cut back on
nonessential activities so that you will have as much time as
possible to help your wife, especially during the first few
months after the baby is born.

CHALLENGE 2: Your relationship as a
couple weakens.
Exhausted by fragmented sleep and unexpected crises, many
new parents struggle to remain close. Vivianne, a French
mother of two infants, admits: “At first, I was so focused on
my duty as a mother that I almost forgot my role as a wife.”
On the other hand, a husband may fail to recognize that
pregnancy has taken a toll on his wife​—both physically and
emotionally. A new baby can consume time and energy that
both of you formerly used to remain emotionally and sexually
intimate. How, then, can a couple ensure that their helpless,
lovable baby does not become a wedge that drives them
apart?

A key to success: Reaffirm
your love for each other.
Describing marriage, the Bible
states: “A man will leave his
father and his mother and he
must stick to his wife and they
must become one flesh.” *
(Genesis 2:24 ) Jehovah God
intended that children
eventually leave their parents.
By contrast, God expects the one-flesh bond between a
husband and his wife to last a lifetime. (Matthew 19:3-9 ) How
can appreciating that fact help a couple with a new baby to
maintain proper priorities?
Vivianne, quoted earlier, says: “I thought about the words at
Genesis 2:24 , and that verse helped me realize that I had
become ‘one flesh’ with my husband​—not with my child. I saw
the need to strengthen our marriage.” Theresa, the mother of
a two-year-old girl, says: “If I start to feel distant from my
husband, I make immediate efforts to give him my full
attention, even if only for a little while each day.”
If you are a husband, what can you do to strengthen the
marriage? Tell your wife that you love her. Back up your words
with acts of tenderness. Make a conscious effort to allay any
feelings of insecurity that your wife may have. Sarah, a 30-
year-old mother, says: “A wife needs to know that she is still
valued and loved, even though her body is not what it was
before her pregnancy.” Alan, who lives in Germany and is the
father of two boys, sees the need for providing emotional
support. He says: “I have always tried to be a shoulder for my
wife to cry on.”
Understandably, the arrival of a baby disrupts a couple’s sexual
relationship. So a husband and wife need to discuss each
other’s needs. The Bible states that changes in a couple’s
sexual relationship should be made by “mutual
consent.” (1 Corinthians 7:1-5 ) That requires communication.
Depending on your upbringing or cultural background, you
might be reluctant to talk about sexual matters with your
spouse. But such conversations are vital as a couple adjust to
the routines of parenthood. Be empathetic, patient, and
honest. (1 Corinthians 10:24 ) You and your spouse will thus
avoid misunderstandings and will deepen your love for each
other.​— 1 Peter 3:7, 8 .

A couple can also deepen the love they feel for each other by
expressing appreciation. A wise husband will realize that much
of the work performed by a new mother goes unseen.
Vivianne says: “By the end of the day, I often feel as if I have
accomplished nothing​—even though I have been busy caring
for the baby constantly!” Despite being busy, a discerning wife
will be careful not to belittle her husband’s contribution to the
family.​— Proverbs 17:17 .

TRY THIS: Mothers, if possible, take a nap when your baby is
sleeping. By thus “recharging your batteries,” you will have
more energy for your marriage. Fathers, whenever possible,
get up at night to feed or change the baby so that your wife
can rest. Regularly reaffirm your love for your mate by leaving
notes for her, sending her text messages, or talking to her on
the telephone. As a couple, make time to have one-on-one
conversations. Talk about each other, not only about your
child. Keep your friendship with your spouse strong, and you
will be better able to handle the challenges of parenthood.

CHALLENGE 3: You disagree about
parenting.
A couple could find that their backgrounds cause them to
argue. A Japanese mother named Asami and her husband,
Katsuro, faced this challenge. Asami says: “I felt that Katsuro
was too easy on our daughter, while he felt that I was being
too hard on her.” How can you avoid working against each
other?
A key to success: Communicate with your mate, and
support each other. Wise King Solomon wrote: “By
presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those
consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10 ) How
much do you know about your mate’s approach to raising
children? If you wait until your baby is born before discussing
specific child-training issues, you may find that you end up
struggling with each other instead of dealing with the
challenge successfully.
For example, what answers to the following questions have
you agreed on: “How can we teach our child good eating and
sleeping habits? Should we always pick up the baby if it cries at
bedtime? How should we react to potty-training setbacks?”
Obviously, the decisions you make will be different from those
of other couples. Ethan, the father of two, says: “You need to
talk things over in order to be on the same wavelength. Then,
together, you will be able to respond to your child’s needs.”

TRY THIS: Think about the parenting techniques that your own
parents used when raising you. Decide which of their attitudes
and actions you would like to imitate when raising your child.
Also decide which, if any, attitudes and actions you want to
avoid repeating. Discuss your conclusions with your mate.

A Child Can Change a Marriage for Good
Just as a pair of inexperienced skaters need time and patience
to find their balance on the ice, you need time to adjust to
your new roles as parents. Eventually, though, you will gain
confidence.
Childrearing will test your commitment to your marriage and
forever change your relationship with each other. However, it
will also give you the opportunity to
valuable qualities.
If you apply the Bible’s wise advice, your experience will be
like that of a father named Kenneth. He says: “Raising children
has had a good effect on my wife and me. We are now less
self-centered, and we have become more loving and
understanding.” Those sorts of changes are certainly welcome
in a marriage.

ASK YOURSELF . . .
During the last week, what have I done to show my
spouse that I appreciate what he or she does for the family?

When did I last make time to have a heartfelt
conversation with my spouse that did not revolve
around child rearing?


www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20110501/children-change-marriage/

We welcomed our new baby about four weeks ago in my family. Applying what is written in the above article has proven very useful in our family. Most of the instances cited there happen as if they have known what will happen in my house.