By Aderonke Adeyeri
While the majority of domestic violence
victims are women, male-oriented
abuse occurs more often than many think.
Naturally, men are stronger than women but
that does not necessarily make it easier for
them to have their way all the time.
According to a 2010 National Survey by the
Centres for Disease Control and U.S
Department of Justice, in the last 12 months,
more men have been victims of intimate-
partner physical violence than women.
The survey also indicates that men were also
more often victims of psychological
aggression. It is not also impossible that
gender-biased individuals have overtime
managed to sway society into believing that
there are more female victims of domestic
violence than men. Yet, men are being ignored
and threatened by a double-edged sword; they
are victimized by partners who also complain
about being abused.
Also, an abused man faces a shortage of
resources, skepticism from Police and other
major legal obstacles, especially when it comes
to gaining custody of his children from an
abusive mother. Could it be natural or was it
designed by men themselves?
Speaking with Saturday Vanguard, Israel Obi,
who was a victim of hot vegetable oil bath by
his wife, narrated his ordeal: “I got married to
Victoria May 2005 and settled in Odorasanya in,
Ijebu Igbo of Ogun State. It all started when my
wife influenced me about our relocation to
Lagos and I did not know it was the beginning
of my trauma. Victoria, influenced by our new
environment (hustle and bustle in Lagos),
started coming late from her shop. And
anytime I cautioned my wife, she turned the
situation into an argument. She changed from
my loving wife to the abusive spouse calling
me different names.”
On that fateful night, Israel and his wife had an
intense argument and around1.00am,Victoria
went into her husband’s room and poured hot
vegetable oil on him. Israel lamented, “It was
our neighbours from the other flats that took
me to a hospital and I was there for a whole
month.”
After his discharge from the hospital, Victoria
pleaded for forgiveness and they were together
again. But barely two weeks after, Israel was
receiving a phone call from a distant aunt and
his wife thought it was a conversation with an
unknown mistress. Victoria accused him of
infidelity. “Before I knew what was happening,
she smashed my phone to the ground and
started destroying all the gadgets at home.
When I tried to stop her, she became more
aggressive and stabbed me with a knife,” he
revealed.

www.vanguardngr.com/2013/07/domestic-violence-a-society-biased-against-males/

Na wa ooo

www.vanguardngr.com/2013/07/domestic-violence-2-are-men-also-victims/

By CHIOMA GABRIEL
Becky could sense that something was wrong
immediately she got home that night. The
reluctance of the security guard to open the
gate on her way in signalled the danger ahead
but she walked right into it. Her husband, Emi,
wielding a long whip, was standing at the
entrance of the house, his countenance
warning her to turn back but it was too late!
It was 10.30pm. Becky had spent hours in the
ever-busy Lagos traffic. She had left her office
on the Island by 5.30 pm after a hectic day, but
had no control over the ensuing logjam. On
alighting from the car, her plan was to explain
to her husband why she was so late. But that
was not to be. He whipped her black and blue
before she could do so.
The next day, Becky got to the office with a
black eye and her skin was pock-marked with
blotches. She lied to her curious colleagues that
she fell down the staircase at home, and was
given three days’ break to treat herself. But
unknown to Becky, her colleagues had noticed
a pattern. Over the years, she had often
appeared at her workplace with bruises and
the ‘tired’ excuse that she had an accident.
Before long, though, Becky learnt to fight back.
Her matrimonial home became a battle field
and eventually, her marriage packed up. But
she made sure she left her guy with a
permanent disability during a fight.
Recalling her experience, Becky said she was 21
years old when they met.
“I met him when I was 21 and he was 10 years
older than me. For the first couple of months,
we had a great time, spending all our spare
time together. I thought it would be fun but it
wasn’t like that. He was a bit too serious and I
admired that as a masculine quality. I enjoyed
him asking questions about my past and other
family members.
“But when we got married, he began asking
about my previous boyfriends. He wanted to
know how long I’d known them before I slept
with them, and where and how it had
happened. When I was vague or didn’t want to
answer his questions, he would get angry and I
would get frustrated with him and plead with
him to stop or tap him on his arm but that was
always my mistake. He would hit me,leaving
me with bruises, mainly on my arms. The main
effect of this violence was that I started to
change. I stopped being myself. I would avoid
any conversation with friends that would have
anything to do with him. I didn’t look at or talk
to other men.
“During sex, I didn’t initiate anything or lose
control of myself. He wouldn’t like this and
would start questioning me about things again.
It was like that for six years or so and during
that time, we had two children. Also during
that time, he would get angry occasionally and
would call me names. I always thought that his
behaviour was my fault, mainly due to the
thoughts he instilled in me at the beginning of
the relationship.
“ When I started working in a blue-chip
company on the Island, I thought things would
be better but that was not the case. We all
know about the Lagos traffic, and whenever I
got home late, he would descend on me. He
was in private business and managed his time,
but because his business was not doing very
well initially, he allowed me to work so as to
complement his earnings. He used to take
everything I earned until I began to resist that.
Over the years, I grew in my job but that never
mattered to him. The beatings even got worse
until I started fighting back and we called it
quits”.
Meanwhile, if you think women are the only
victims of domestic violence, you have to think
again. The catch, though, is that most men are
ashamed to tell their stories. No man, after all,
wants to admit that his wife or partner
dominates or abuses him. Men are often
thought of as strong, domineering and macho.
Boys, even at a young age, are taught that it is
unmanly to cry. So the idea of a grown man
being frightened or vulnerable is a taboo. The
idea of a man being battered is ludicrous.
Hence, many male victims of abuse may feel
“less of a man” for their experience, as though
they are in some way not manly enough and
ought to have the ability to prevent the abuse.
John, a trader, admitted he has a domineering
wife but has been able to check her excesses
over the years.
“ She discouraged me from seeing old friends,
especially female friends. She threatened to use
violence against them. She would flirt with my
friends, but then tell me that they were trying
to seduce her behind my back. This left me
feeling distrustful of my friends. Later on, I
found out that she had been telling them they
shouldn’t come around because I was insanely
jealous. All this had the effect of damaging my
social network.
“ As our relationship progressed, she began to
scream at me and hit me. She had attacked me
with a knife once and I asked her to leave my
house, but after intervention by in-laws, I
brought her back to the house. But that didn’t
stop her. She would even bite me and I would
lie to my friends that I had scratched myself
while shaving; whereas it was my wife who
did it with her nails and sometimes her teeth.”
But not all men are as lenient as John. The
truth of the matter is that many will hit back at
wives who attack them, and when they do,
they risk being accused of physical abuse
themselves.
Abuse is not always physical, and a lot of men,
in common with many women, face daily
emotional, verbal and psychological abuse in
silence for years, their self-esteem being slowly
eroded and some get isolated from others
around them due to shame.
Linus Nwafor recalls what happened to his
neighbour.
“I was dumbfounded when I saw my
neighbour getting struck by this woman he
spent the night with. I was the one who called
the police. I had to do that because my son was
married to a violent young woman for a few
months before he left her. My son was larger
than her and nobody believed she abused him
violently. She never used weapons, so she
didn’t come close to hurting him physically.
But she hit him whenever she got the
opportunity, cut up his clothes and threw them
in the yard. She destroyed the properties he
had accumulated over the years, including
their wedding album. Neither party was
blameless, but the physical violence was all
hers. If my son had ever hit her, there would
have been evidence for weeks.”
Pedro, an accountant who is still married, said
he had witnessed hell in his marriage.
“I am in a marriage with a woman who has
difficulty controlling her rage, which would
frequently erupt with verbal abuse and
screaming. We fight a lot but she is always the
one initiating it. In one particular case, after
she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing
punches, she called the police to report me as
the violent abuser! When they responded, I
was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
These days, I try to stay away from home,
visiting friends and other family members at
the close of work. Most times, I get home
drunk and sleep in the sitting room. I stopped
eating her food and she doesn’t care”.
In the final analysis, no one – male or female –
deserves to be hit, insulted and ridiculed or
touched intimately if s(he) has asked not to be.
No one deserves to be treated like a doormat,
threatened, attacked with a weapon, shamed
before peers, told what to do, when and with
whom. In fact, no one deserves to be abused in
any way.

Some women are just wicked.

Unfortunately, stories like these abound everywhere and are not the exclusive norm of the west. In countries like Nigeria where culturally the male is seen as the dominant, all-standing, strong one, the expectations of him are quite high. He is therefore looked down on (and unfavourably too), if he reports or indicates that he is a victim of domestic violence.

He will be ridiculed, made fun of (i.e, being called a woman wrapper) and told to man up. And the result? Many of such men, not wanting to loose face might retaliate physically and we all know what that can lead to.

It really is sad. Attitudes and perceptions need to change. No one, be it male or female should have a monopoly of violence over their spouse or partner. Domestic abuse...male domestic abuse is real and exists just as much as it's female version. And it doesn't have to manifest in physical forms. Verbal abuse is just as bad too, if not worse.

For EVERY woman that is abusive. . . A MAN TAUGHT HER VIOLENCE!
Sorrrrrrrrrrrry DUDES!
You SOW what you REAP!

Learn to be better MALES. . . . SERVES Y'ALL RRRRRRRRRRRRIGHT!!!!!

marvelling: Some women are just wicked.

more married men suffered from partner abuse last year than married women in the uk. the funniest thing is women rarely get convicted even when they are reported. the police can't just believe a woman standing at 5 feet can physically abuse a man standing at 6 feet.

the women unlucky to make it to the courts get a slap on the wrist by the idiotic judges. like i said in another thread, being a man these days is a criminal offence.

Scary stuff. It will be well with us in our choices of spouses. Amin.

This topic is really true.
I was following a discussion yesterday, a lady who said she has slapped men a few times yet expects that the men walk away without slapping her back. Lol
Her defence was women have smaller hands.
How do we assume that violence is okay when one gender does it?
We tell men to be silent and tolerate it, we laugh at those who speak out.
Why would anyone expect anyone to be slapped and walk away, I tell women who come to cry abuse after throwing the first punch, shoving, pushing, hitting and slapping that theirs is a case of 2 fighting. If you don't have power why resort to hitting others because you say its not right to hit women so they should walk away.
These are women who make the case of domestic violence impossible to get justice, they are violent people yet they expect not to be touched because of their gender.
People should learn mature ways of handling conflicts, any act of violence is not healthy for any marriage no matter who gives it.
She will break his head with a pestle if he doesn't leave.
Abusive people love the power it gives, even if you keep quiet its a problem to them