Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, for debiting my account with 50 pounds
by way of penalty, and for the way this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by
these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the
following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of her medical history must
be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I
will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required
to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided through an extensive set of menus:


1. To make an appointment to see me;

2. To query a missing repayment;

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
extension of living room to be communicated at the time the
call is received;

5. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am still sleeping;
extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call
is received;

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to a call
of
nature; extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may on occasion
involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of
Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard
at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the
miners sweated for!"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of 20 pounds per A4 page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed at 35p per minute of my time spent
in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75p a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries
brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.

Ha! I am sorely tempted to send this to my bank manager, except he would probably charge me for the time he spends reading it!.

Consultant:

Ha! I am sorely tempted to send this to my bank manager, except he would probably charge me for the time he spends reading it!.

lol

Nice one kaybee, i think all the crap head manager of all banks should get a copy of this. its all about the customer, right?

This joke 2 long now, how man pikin 4 suppose finish reading am.

It does however have a point though. Gd one

Got to be the funniest joke ever. I sure wish i could do that to my bank

babadee:

Nice one kaybee, i think all the crap head manager of all banks should get a copy of this. its all about the customer, right?

Thats not what i learned in marketing 211. I learned that some customers are better off breaking ties with. But i dont think that is the case kaybee. She seems like she is an asset client to the bank  

The bank manager would have lost some money by the time he/she finishes reading this.
i am definately going to forward this to my colleagues . its sure going to crack them up real nice.
Funny stuff
Cheers