I need time off my marriage. I'm really tired. I have lived my life for this home. I need to be respected, I need to be appreciated. Enough is enough, I have tried n tried. I cant take it anymore. I have done n been through what alot of women wouldn't take. I want to leave, I really do (*crying*).
After work I stay on feet till past 10pm taking care of the kids, n he thinks it's okay for him to come home at almost 1am, ok fine we fought over this for years now n he wont let me be, he disturbs my sleep with his knocks n his searching for things at that time of the night. Its after 3am and I can't sleep back- still awake, im nursing, im overworked, im stressed, so why is he adding more to my stress.
I wish I had somewhere to go with my kids. I need a break. He has such a beautiful family, a wife who stood by him during his rough times, who supported him wholly, who contributed the most to who he is today.
All i asked for,is to come home at a decent time, to come home early. Why does he want to destroy his home.
I wish I had a place to move to with my kids. He almost beat me up- I need to leave. I don't know where to start from and where to go. I can't tell my parents, they will be heart broken- I'm just depressed now. He has threatened to beat me twice now. I'm scared, I can't cope oooo. This is really emotional for me.
Pls help me.

This kind of story just weakens my body I swear, I sincerely don't know what to say. This is so sad. I only read bout abuse in marriages in past tense , reading it happening to someone else seems like a movie script.

May lord see you through and grant you wisdom to figure out your next step. I'm truly sorry bout your dilemma .

The man you just described sound mentally unstable and either he needs to be checked into psychiatry ward for schizophrenic / BP symptoms OR there's something else you're not telling us about yourself too that needs attention. Like For real.

As for helping you, I don't know how you need help, wait for @CC and co , this one pass me.

What kind of job is he doing for a living?

yettey24: I need time off my marriage. I'm really tired. I have lived my life for this home. I need to be respected, I need to be appreciated. Enough is enough, I have tried n tried. I cant take it anymore. I have done n been through what alot of women wouldn't take. I want to leave, I really do (*crying*).
After work I stay on feet till past 10pm taking care of the kids, n he thinks it's okay for him to come home at almost 1am, ok fine we fought over this for years now n he wont let me be, he disturbs my sleep with his knocks n his searching for things at that time of the night. Its after 3am and I can't sleep back- still awake, im nursing, im overworked, im stressed, so why is he adding more to my stress.
I wish I had somewhere to go with my kids. I need a break. He has such a beautiful family, a wife who stood by him during his rough times, who supported him wholly, who contributed the most to who he is today.
All i asked for,is to come home at a decent time, to come home early. Why does he want to destroy his home.
I wish I had a place to move to with my kids. He almost beat me up- I need to leave. I don't know where to start from and where to go. I can't tell my parents, they will be heart broken- I'm just depressed now. He has threatened to beat me twice now. I'm scared, I can't cope oooo. This is really emotional for me.
Pls help me.

Explain to your parents and let them see what u are going through. While you are at it, try to gain some independence, make little money for yourself like that u can have a say about Where to take time off at your own expence.


If it were me i usually see opportunity in every condition. Use the time he is away and do something for yourself. Maybe getting an online degree, maybe readg about getting more independence, just do something.

If possible keep the kids with your parents while you sort yourself out.

I dont even know what to type again.

Most Nigerian married women living in Nigeria dey suffer o. Something needs to be done to that society.

Its been going on for years and since you've had several discussions and arguments over the issue so reasoning with him seems out of the question for now.

Running away is hardly the solution if the problem is just the two things on your list.
Isn't there a way he could get inside the house himself without you having to open the door for him?
Can you wear ear plug or muff so his rummaging doesn't disturb you during the night?

This man is definitely in a place where you can't reach him. What does he really do? What makes him stay out till that late?

@ op, is he just starting this attitude or he has been in it before you married him.
What does he stay outside doing for that long? drinking?, womanising?, yahoo-yahoo? What exactly?
Have you informed his parents about this his attitude, if yes, what are their reactions?
Do you know any of his close friends who is exactly like him?, maybe he is being influenced.
What is his relationship with his kids, does he love his children?
Why did you refuse to tell your parents what you are passing through, at least, you should know you need a confidant, so that you dont die in silence.
Are you sure you are not a troublesome woman, may be hes trying to dodge you by keeping late.
If you leave, is he the type that will look for you or the kids?
Can the job you do take care of you and the kids.
Are you a christian, if yes, have you prayed to God concerning it, prayer works, we might not know what we are missing if we fail to pray about certain situation.
All in all, my suggestions...........
i really sympathise with you, but, i believe that, there is still hope. You have complained to him severally, but it seems he refuse to change, why dont you try and make about two or three people that he respect to join you in talking with him, like your parents. When he is around, invite your parents and or his own parents and ask them to help you ask why he stays that long outside, tell them to help you beg, yes, beg him(i know some posters are going to crucify me for this) to always come home early, pour everything out, let them know that he is killing you emotionally, let them know that his attitude is not good for the kids' psychology, ask him if there is anything you have done wrong that is making him behave like that, if there is, apologise.


Now, if after all this, he still continue with his wayward lifestyle, then you can leave with your kids without telling him before or your whereabout, let him come in the midnight and not see anyone to open the door for him, leave a note at where he can easily see it with "since you have refused to change, and i dont want you to kill me and the children, i still love you and im ready to come back if you are ready to change, but if you are not ready to change, dont bother looking for us".
Wherever you might be, be it your parents or his parents or a trusted friend's place, continue to pray for him and God in his infinity mercy will come to your rescue and change his stone heart to animal heart IJN.

My advice... Treat him like a King... Baby him.. Do unexpected sweet things for him.. Make him fall back in love with the marriage. Give it time tho.. He wont change instantly.

And then if he doesn't change leave his ass.

[size=4pt]Don't get it twisted tho[/size]

Dey always want to get married nd mock does who are nt married, na for better for worse o, if u run ur kids may hate u later, dicey bt such is life

Does he have someone he looks up to that can talk to him?
Also answer the question of what he does that keeps him out that late.

Op,u posted a very vague info and bolted.if u actually want pple to talk to u,at least pop in every now and then to explain things better.
Someboy asked u abt his occupation, was he like that b4 m and early marriage?
Explain urslf cos there r many loopholes in ur story.
I've since learnt not to be too judgemantal on NL.found out that most of the stories here r either one sided to attract pity or simply made up.

He works in a bank. I really don't know what keeps him that late- he said it's because of traffic, that he stays in someplace for traffic to ease out before coming home-my office is farther than his but I always find away to get back on time when I wasn't nursing. most times he gets home smelling of alcohol. His eyes were very red early this morning when he got home and smelling of alcohol.

CC is on vacation and this is her alter ego logging in.

Get some area boys to waylay him and pretend to be armed robbers to scare him when he is driving home at 1am one day. That will scare him into coming home early and not keeping late nights.

CC Will be back with proper thoughts on the matter later.

I must say that I have trust issues with him cause of what has happened in the past. I can't say if he was like that before we got married, I was really naive, then we see each other during the day and speak on phone at night.
He wanted to beat cause I asked him if this was what he saw while going up.
He hardly sees his kids, this month he came home past 8pm only once which was the earliest time- he said he wanted to surprise me. When I saw him I almost passed out- cos I wasn't expecting to see anyone in the house.he has access to the house without knocking. But I lock the room I and the kids sleep in at night. From now I'll use the key to lock the room's door so he doesn't have to knock to get in.

One night around 10.30pm, my neighbour was robbed by our gate and thought that would make him change, then I was living with fear cos we we heard of all sorts of robbery cases. I had to reach out to my mum and siblings to beg him for me, but he didn't find it funny. He said I'm supposed to always have his back and not tell my family such things about him.

OP, are you a victim of child mariage?

Why are you complaining like this? You know what to do but you want us to approve of it first.

My dear, I leave you with one thing.

Make you self happy! You live once and die once! What u make out of this life na you Sabi!

Tomorrow your kids might even be closer to your supposed husband and what do you do, kill yourself?

Get ur a ss up and tackle this.

yettey24: He works in a bank. I really don't know what keeps him that late- he said it's because of traffic, that he stays in someplace for traffic to ease out before coming home-my office is farther than his but I always find away to get back on time when I wasn't nursing. most times he gets home smelling of alcohol. His eyes where very red early this morning when he got home and smelling of alcohol.

OMG! Op,first of all I feel for u. Really I do.
CC gave a good advice o! Honestly he has to be dealt with.
Do u hv some cash to throw away? Then hire a private investigator.
Where is EFE when u need her most!
Do u hv brothers,infact guys in ur family? Involve them if what I'm thinkin is true.show them the result.let them teach him a lesson at that very place he normally goes,drag him home or hospital depending on his state and give him an ultimatum.anybody interfers,they should beat that one up too.
Kai! Why didn't u do something abt it b4? Is marriage meant to be hellfire on earth? Then no need to marry.
Forget about ur parents havin heartbreak,nothing will happen to them.
He even want to beat u up! I am so annoyed right naw.

One day, I had a serious asthma attack, I reached out to him via text that I was going to go to the hospital cos my inhaler didn't stop it- with my new baby, the same text I sent to him was the same I sent to my siblings, my then pregnant sister left all she was doing and rushed down to follow me to the hospital. I was nursing a month old baby- it was that bad that they had to inject me with very painful steroids.
I felt weak all day, but my husband didn't show up till after 1am. He said he was in traffic, which I didn't believe. I later saw a conversation chat with his friend that he was partying and flexing on that day.
So that's my story.

Thank you everyone for your advices. I would definitely pick one that will work for me.

yettey24: One night around 10.30pm, my neighbour was robbed by our gate and thought that would make him change, then I was living with fear cos we we heard of all sorts of robbery cases. I had to reach out to my mum and siblings to beg him for me, but he didn't find it funny. He said I'm supposed to always have his back and not tell my family such things about him.

Well if that hasnt worked, then its a more difficult situation than first thought

What exactly does he do outside until 1am? Drinking? womanizing? have you asked him why he has an aversion for his own home and his own family?

The sad truth is that some men are irresponsible like that and nothing will change them until the have an encounter with God and they change.

In the mean time there is nothing you can do but to try and make yourself happy and comfortable as much as you can for as long as you can until he grows up and regains his senses and knows what his responsibilities are as a husband and father.

From time to time, go and recharge your batteries, have fun and be round people that love you, until such a time that he recognizances his responsibilities. As for the beating, I beg you dont let it get to a point where he turns you into a punching bag before you take control of your life. Dont let any man kill you physically or emotionally.

This marriage thing is just hit and miss jare. This is just so sad. Where did all the sweet promises go? God please shine your face of all hurting marriages.

yettey24: One day, I had a serious asthma attack, I reached out to him via text that I was going to go to the hospital cos my inhaler didn't stop it- with my new baby, the same text I sent to him was the same I sent to my siblings, my then pregnant sister left all she was doing and rushed down to follow me to the hospital. I was nursing a month old baby- it was that bad that they had to inject me with very painful steroids.
I felt weak all day, but my husband didn't show up till after 1am. He said he was in traffic, which I didn't believe. I later saw a conversation chat with his friend that he was partying and flexing on that day.
So that's my story.

Thank you everyone for your advices. I would definitely pick one that will work for me.

Don't go yet pls,u will get more and more advice.its just that pple r angry.they will cool down and advice u very well.
As for me,I'm so mad that d only thing in my head is to beat him to stupor.

Men like this might be irresponsible but they are usually running frm a nagging and difficult wife who makes d home inconvenient.
I knw lots of men like this and they claim their wife is a problem to them so they just wanna go home late and avoid her.
U have painted d picture of a wayward man for us but who is going to paint ur own picture for us?
Not saying its ur fault, I'm just saying u may also want to do some self evaluation too.

gaggi I know that some women can be very vocal and trying, however even if his wife was the wicked witch from the West, it is very childish of him to risk his life day after day by coming home at 1am and God forbid rendering his children fatherless.

if Armed robbers attack him and shoot him in the back and paralyze him for life and he is bedridden, wont it be the same wife he is running from be the one to look after him 24/7? At 1am the roads are free and people tend to speed. What if he has an accident on his way home? Ive heard so many stories of speeding cars hitting broken down lorrys/trailers at night and killing the occupants. God forbid.

He is the man, and he should be strong enough to handle his household and running away from it is not the answer. If his wife is bad, he should deal with it appropriately

You build your life around this guy and you're now getting shiit. Don't let your life revolve around him for fucck sake.
Dust yourself,take care and don't go about with this lovestruck attitudes and complains "he doesn't care about me or the kids blabla".
Gain emotional independence from this guy cos it seems you can't live without him so he is using it against you, girl.
Pray always and ignore him.

@gaggi Okay I understand you- I love my alone time very much, I complain when he gets back late sometimes, while I keep mute other times. If my complaints are nagging to him then I just have to leave. what about I tell you how we started this year.he got home past 11pm on dec 31st and we prayed into the new year and immediately after the prayers around past 12am he set out of the house- which happened last year too, family members who called to wish us happy new year were shocked that he wasn't home. Anyway he had an accident and couldn't get to where he was going- ( do you think, I nagged him first thing in the year, out of the house?) Well, I always ask him why he comes back late and his reply is the same thing always- traffic.

There is no excuse for this behaviour,some men will blame their nagging wives for their irresponsibility but in reality,they might be the one nagging and whining over everything.Yes,men do nag too,where do the women run to when their husbands starts nagging??


Ll be back after breakfast,too hungry to think coherently.

Gaggi: Men like this might be irresponsible but they are usually running frm a nagging and difficult wife who makes d home inconvenient.
I knw lots of men like this and they claim their wife is a problem to them so they just wanna go home late and avoid her.
U have painted d picture of a wayward man for us but who is going to paint ur own picture for us?
Not saying its ur fault, I'm just saying u may also want to do some self evaluation too.

Your generalisation is faulty Biko. My sister is married to this kind of man. This man goes to club and comes back earliest 1 am. But my sister is the most gentle soul. she doesn't even talk not to talk of nagging, she will still wake up to serve him his food. Some men are just plain irresponsible.

I'm not justifying dis guy. I knw a guy who Jst got married dis April but he has become a heavy drinker. He only used to manage a bottle but he claims he married d wrong woman and d only way to ignore her is to be high.
I have no sympathy for a woman who dates a guy dat knws all d hanging out joints and clubs. When dating him they follow him to all these joints and they expect him to change just because he is married. If u have an irresponsible fiance also expect to have an irresponsible husband.

honey86:
Your generalisation is faulty Biko. My sister is married to this kind of man. This man goes to club and comes back earliest 1 am. But my sister is the most gentle soul. she doesn't even talk not to talk of nagging, she will still wake up to serve him his food. Some men are just plain irresponsible.

It is so disheartening reading this type of stuff being perpetrated by some men. Even if you marry the devil, there are hundreds of ways to correct an erring and nagging wife without subjecting himself to danger. In this insecure period, someone can still be living a nocturnal life. If he comes home by 1am, how does he wake up early to be at work and still be very productive in the office.

Apart from subjecting you and the kids to danger as well as emotional imbalance, he is playing cards with his life and job. One day, lack of adequate sleep will tell on his brain in the office and he ends up making a big mistake that may cost him his job. If that happens, part 2 of this current movie will be released by him and life will become extremely unbearable for you.

I personally do not like involving a third party in marital issues but when it becomes a matter of life and death, your silence is not golden but dangerous. You have to involve your family at this junction, separate from him for a while to put his acts together. If he still wants you, he will have to agree to coming home early. What is he enjoying outside that he can't bring the party home. The earlier you do this, the better. God forbid, if he is followed home by armed robbers in one of his night movements, I hope that will not endanger your life and the children.

It is well with you

honey86:
Your generalisation is faulty Biko. My sister is married to this kind of man. This man goes to club and comes back earliest 1 am. But my sister is the most gentle soul. she doesn't even talk not to talk of nagging, she will still wake up to serve him his food. Some men are just plain irresponsible.

I didn't generalize, I only brought out other reasons, learn to read.and comprehend. Sorry abt ur sis bad luck.

Sister the only advice I can give you right now is to keep praying and praying.this man has fallen out of love with you. If he loves you he won't do this kinda stuff. However if he turns violent at anytime you can ask for separation.

The only good thing is that he still seems to respect your family. So a separation may jolt him back to reality. Life is too short to keep living in misery. So he needs to change for this thing to work.

chaircover: This marriage thing is just hit and miss jare.

That is patently untrue, unless you proceed without due care and are reckless in your approach. Please try not to put fear into people with ill-considered statements.

honey86: Some men are just plain irresponsible.

Agreed.
Could we also agree that women should not marry such men?

Gaggi: Men like this might be irresponsible but they are usually running frm a nagging and difficult wife who makes d home inconvenient.

Men - especially husbands - do not "run". They address situations and deal with the circumstances that pertain to their marital homes. Whatever the case here, please do not make excuses for irresponsible behaviour.



@OP,

I would question the foundation of your union. Having said that, you are now in it, so play to win.

You;
Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are now a wife, not a whiny girlfriend. Conduct yourself as such - purposefully. From your point of view, you are last in the priority order of your own family. You should be most concerned about your childrens well-being, your husbands and then your own.

Buckle up. Find a fitting time and set the stage for a frank - not weepy/emotional - discussion with your husband. Be very clear about your expectations from the union and from him, emphasising the impact of his behaviour on the nurture of your offspring and you personally.

Have a clear idea of the actions you would like to see and have him commit to some immediately and make promises about others. Be tough and forthright - he will respect you for it - and give it thorough consideration before you sit down.

Be clear that you do not want to involve either family, but if things do not change you will be forced too. The asthma incident is case in point, he should be first to your side, not your family.

Him;
I can't say for sure, but your husband sounds immature - not outright wicked?. Perhaps he wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage or appreciative of the responsibilities? Whatever the case. It's in your - and your childrens - best interest for him to make the necessary adjustments.

I do not know who your support network are, but your immediate family should always occupy this role, and they should have been the ones to prepare you and approve of him. I am not aware of your situation prior to marriage, so cannot comment further. Your recourse after talking to your husband directly, should be a wise and trusted elder - preferably male, from your side, and one whom your husband respects - to mediate (not tell your husband off 0!) between you.

You mentioned church? On your knees.

Chin up and God be with you.

TV

I think op should just tidy herself up of the wreck baby bearings has done to her, put full stop to further baby bearings, let both her family and his know what's going on, remove stressors from her life, get help with chores and other tasking activities in the house, relax and pamper herself, make sure he NEVER lay hands on her(beatings), spend his money well such that only little will be left for his gallivanting, safe hers and try to be happy enough to get her groove back.

Too bad about your partner, if he wants to live a single life while married then start living yours separately too. Life is too short to stay hung up on someone undeserving. Too many uglies rearing up in marriages these days. The Lord will
Look into your affairs. Amen.