Hi Nairalanders, Is it rite or wrong for me to live wit 3 of my siblings in ma matrimonial home? Ma husband said it is okay nd is not complaining bt i'm nt comfortable wit dat. I'm d only family they hav n they are still tender to stay on their own in our father's house cos dere is none to tk care nd giv them proper upbringing.(orphan tins) I've been stayin wit two (age 12 nd 17)since mum died 3 yrs ago n just last week d third(age 22) decided to come n live wit us until he rents a place for himself! I really do nt knw wat to do. Pls ur candid advice is needed cos dis may affect ma marriage in a way or d other.

Three extra mouths is a lot to feed o. Are you working? If not then you are placing alot of strain on your husband o. You must help the 22 yr old find his feet as quickly as possible. He must not get too comfortable in your house. The smaller ones I can understand.

@ Nashville: Tanx dear, i've nt started working, just graduated nd waiting for NYSC batch C. Into business for now:

Haa, dts not easy o. dt means ur hubby is shouldering deir responsibility. Even if he doesnt complain, his relatives will... But theres nufin u can do for now. dey r ur siblings n u cant throw dem out to save ur ur house from bin crowded. .abi if dey were ur kids from a previous marriage , wud u want dem out? Just pray more n work harder so that you can start contributing to their welfare.

Your husband says he doesn't mind so what exactly are you worried about
You already said your parents are late and your siblings at 12 and 17 have no where else to go and have lived with you and hubby for 3 years already
This should be a thread celebrating a great husband ,a good guy who has stepped in to help you take care of your siblings and has also allowed a 22 year old move in temporarily.
I would plead with you all to treat him nice,and give Him his due respect.
problem will only arise when you or your siblings take him for granted
Please don't let that happen.
Do whatever you can to make sure your 22 year old brother doesn't overstay his welcome and when he gets a place and I hope soon,let your younger ones go to stay with him during some holidays ,that way you can have time alone with your husband.It is very necessary.
sorry about the loss of your parents at such a tender age.
God bless.

Just curious,why is your 22 year old brother not staying in your parent's house ?

If you husband isn't complaining then i wonder why you're complaining since they're your relatives. There's no right and wrong in this mattwer. It all boils down to if you and your husband are ok for them to live with you and for how long.

babyosisi: Your husband says he doesn't mind so what exactly are you worried about
You already said your parents are late and your siblings at 12 and 17 have no where else to go and have lived with you and hubby for 3 years already
This should be a thread celebrating a great husband ,a good guy who has stepped in to help you take care of your siblings and has also allowed a 22 year old move in temporarily.

[size=18]I would plead with you all to treat him nice,and give Him his due respect. Problem will only arise when you or your siblings take him for granted
Please don't let that happen.[/size]

Do whatever you can to make sure your 22 year old brother doesn't overstay his welcome and when he gets a place and I hope soon,let your younger ones go to stay with him during some holidays ,that way you can have time alone with your husband.It is very necessary.
sorry about the loss of your parents at such a tender age.
God bless.

Just curious,why is your 22 year old brother not staying in your parent's house ?

Very well said!!!!!!!!

No reasonable person will tell you to chase your siblings away!

Your hubby is not complaining so what is the problem?!

It is all in your mind, if you are determined to see a problem, then there will be one!

Thank God that you have an understanding husband and take care of your siblings.

You are now their mother.

I can understand the 12 yrs is in school. The 17 yrs old must hv finished secondary. What is ur plan for him while waiting for jamb and the rest? What is the 22 yrs old doing for a living?
Ur hubby is a great man and I must thank u too for being a wonderful sis.u and ur hubby will reap bountifully.
But I will advice u gear them towards independence and self sustainance. It will help u all in the near future. Discuss that with ur wonderful spouse.
U don't hv to worry urself too much.make use of the opportunity while the door is open.
Please,never allow them to become disrespectful to him.
The bigger ones should help do some of ur husbands laundry,wash his car,infact show appreciation to him for taking them in.
All the best

OP! You need to help your siblings now that they really need you ooooo, as long as your husband have no problem with that. Wish you and your siblings all the best.

On the flipside, the women in the family section are all hypocrites ooooo. I can remember so many threads in this family section being opened by women that their husband siblings stay with them and what should they do? Many of this women who posted before me especially babyosisi have all advised such women to tell their husbands to throw those siblings away that it is their early marriage and they need to enjoy it. But on this thread this same hypocrites have started saying no problem with that.

When it is the husband siblings, they should be thrown away of the matrimonial home, but when it is the wife's siblings they should stay! Am on mobile now I would have posted such threads were all this women above me advised their fellow women to throw away their husband's siblings from their matrimonial homes.

kzokul: OP! You need to help your siblings now that they really need you ooooo, as long as your husband have no problem with that. Wish you and your siblings all the best.

On the flipside, the women in the family section are all hypocrites ooooo. I can remember so many threads in this family section being opened by women that their husband siblings stay with them and what should they do? Many of this women who posted before me especially babyosisi have all advised such women to tell their husbands to throw those siblings away that it is their early marriage and they need to enjoy it. But on this thread this same hypocrites have started saying no problem with that.

When it is the husband siblings, they should be thrown away of the matrimonial home, but when it is the wife's siblings they should stay! Am on mobile now I would have posted such threads were all this women above me advised their fellow women to throw away their husband's siblings from their matrimonial homes.

I understand u very well but quite a number of women were against it so pls don't generalise.

yellowpawpaw:
I understand u very well but quite a number of women were against it so pls don't generalise.

Hey! I am not generalizing ooo. I know in those threads few women were against throwing away their husband siblings but they were shut down! Hapi weekend madam yellowpawpaw!

kzokul: Hey! I am not generalizing ooo. I know in those threads few women were against throwing away their husband siblings but they were shut down! Hapi weekend madam yellowpawpaw!

Thanks dear.its gonna be a grt weekend cos I'm throwin a party for my baby this afternoon. Will send ur item 7 tru here!
Happ wkend to u 2!

Thank u all for for ur contribution. U are all wonderful people! I tink i 've been a very supportive wife bt frm all ur opinion i still need to buckle up in some areas! @ babyois The 22 year old had been staying on his own in our father's house bt u can imagine the kind of life he has been living n d kind of company he keeps simply because dere is none to direct him. Had a school cert two years ago n is not goin to further. He decided to learn a trade n at d end of evrytin here he is!

Use the slightest opportunity you have and find ur brother something to do because ur hubby may not complain now but with time he is going to be fed up with cartering for the whole family and it may be disturbing him in his mind but u will not know.

OP your post reflects wisdom. Whilst you are not yet ready to independently shoulder the responsibility of your siblings, you should start making plans to see how you can help the 22-year-old to be independent as quickly as possible.

If it was your husband that has 3 siblings living with you, I am sure the ladies posting here would deem it unfair to you.

For now, try to maintain decorum in your home.

Is your father's house too far from your matrimonial home?


The 22yr old should be independent enough to stay on his own. This is the time he must learn self sustenance and independent living. If you are worried about him keeping bad company, staying with you will not deter him either if he has made up his mind to walk with them.


Nothing will happen to him staying alone. He will not be the first neither will he be the last staying alone as a 22yr old. All you need is to keep encouraging and advising him to choose a good way of living. I will advise that the 12 and 17 yr old are enough to stay with you. Your husband may not be complaining but since there's a place for him to stay, he shouldn't be added to the others.


Like you have been advised, do not abuse the opportunity given by your husband. Teach your siblings to accord him respect. Let them understand that when they are disciplined by him, they should not think it is because he is fending for them but because they have erred.

kzokul.. kolo man...

Let things be on the low for now...another thread will soon be on the way...

yellowpawpaw:
Thanks dear.its gonna be a grt weekend cos I'm throwin a party for my baby this afternoon. Will send ur item 7 tru here!
Happ wkend to u 2!

Send item 7 to me toooo

Congrats and stay blessed

biolabee: kzokul.. kolo man...

Let things be on the low for now...another thread will soon be on the way...



Send item 7 to me toooo

Congrats and stay blessed

Will def do that! Thanks.

@op, nothing wrong with your siblings living with you, if your hubby approves of it, but firstly, that your 22 years old brother is old enough to live in your parents house, he's an adult, and he need to learn to be independent and responsible, all you need to do is to continuing advising, counselling and admonishing him to choose the right path, because, even if your hubby do not complain now, by the time he start misbehaving and presenting himself as a big boy who is beyond correction to your hubby, then, wahala is looming around. It is better to prevent problem occurring that looking for a way to resolve a preventive problem.
Secondly, ensure your 12 and 17 years old siblings of yours do not disrespect or disregard your hubby, they also shouldn't see him as wicked when he tries to correct them when the err, or else, they may cause conflict between you two.
I pray that you two won't regret your good gestures on your siblings.
It is well.

@kzokul, when any member of the family is living with a couple and their presence is a threat or always causing trouble for either of them, not respectful, always disregarding constituted authority in the house, not giving respect to their privacy or their opinion and always serving as a bone in the neck to either the wife or the husband, it's better to let the troublemaker leave, or else, it'll be a source of conflict in the marriage/home.
However, when any living in relative is respectful, resourceful and serviceable, there's no point asking the relative to leave, except the wife or the husband is selfish and self-centered.
Since 2009, one of my hubby's nephew has been living with us and you can never know that he isn't my son, why? Because he's respectful, if he's otherwise, I tell you, he's a gonner

ellawify: Hi Nairalanders, Is it rite or wrong for me to live wit 3 of my siblings in ma matrimonial home? Ma husband said it is okay nd is not complaining bt i'm nt comfortable wit dat. I'm d only family they hav n they are still tender to stay on their own in our father's house cos dere is none to tk care nd giv them proper upbringing.(orphan tins) I've been stayin wit two (age 12 nd 17)since mum died 3 yrs ago n just last week d third(age 22) decided to come n live wit us until he rents a place for himself! I really do nt knw wat to do. Pls ur candid advice is needed cos dis may affect ma marriage in a way or d other.

If I understand correctly, you and your siblings are orphans, yes? With you being the eldest of them all?

In that case, you really don't have a choice. In addition to being a wife to your husband, you've also been thrust the role of being a surrogate mother to your younger ones, and seeing as they have no where else to go, or anyone else to look after them, then you really have no choice in the matter.

The fact that your hubby seems to understand this and doesn't raise any objections is a plus, which you need to work on and build up from that point, especially with regards to the 12 and 17 year old. If you don't mind my asking, are those two females?

Your 22 year old sibling completed his schooling two years ago and doesn't wish to go any further but to learn a trade, so eventually he can start up his own business. Then in that case, he really needs to get on his feet. Let him learn / become an apprentice, shadowing someone in the line of business he's interested in. He must get something doing to keep busy and start earning his own income, otherwise how would he support himself, let alone afford the rent of his intended place?

You say he's been living in your parents home. Was this home built by your dad? And if so, then I assume your 22 year old brother's been living there rent free? If that's the case, would it not be much more cost effective for him to continue living and working from your parents home? To save on the additional expense of renting?

I would suggest that you ask your husband to speak with him on a man-to-man level and encourage your brother to listen to him. He is now an adult, not an impressionable teenager that is succeptible to peer pressure. Your brother is old enough to understand right from wrong and the consequences of whatever decisions he decides to take. Falling with the wrong crowd is no excuse for being mis-directed. Let your hubby help you out in that aspect, with advising him.

Your 17 year old should be preparing to enter university, so would hardly be home anyway, except for holidays (or ASUU strikes). In the meantime, get those two to help you with the house work and also with your business. And when I mean housework, I mean EVERYTHING irrespective of their gender. Let them get cooking, cleaning, washing, and maintaining the home. Let them in their free time assist you with your business. Give them responsibilities and even managing your books (accountability). This way, you'll not only be providing a roof over their heads but also training up and giving them invaluable lessons in life. You'll also be putting them on the right path to acquiring their own independence. And least I forget, when you eventually have kids of your own (assuming you don't already have them), your siblings will help take the pressure off you, by helping you with looking after them. Free childcare.

They are your siblings, so whatever you tell them, they'll do - without question. To put it crudely, if you tell them to "Sit there", they'll do just that and won't move from the spot until you tell them to. They won't fight or answer you back with cocky responses like: "This is my brother's house. You're the outsider here. You can't tell me what to do!".

So this puts you firmly in control here. Like the other posters here mentioned, just make sure they learn to respect your husband and to look up to him as their surrogate dad, brother, mentor and friend. You are the woman, and your home will only be as peaceful as you want it to be.

It is well.

what kzokul is saying that it is far easier for some folks to recommend dismissal of mothers-in-law, hubby siblings or step children rather than the woman's mum, own child from another marriage or own siblings

If a child is being anti-social smoking or doing drugs will the mum chuck out her own child

NO

But if her hubby's teenage brother is doing a fraction of that, the knives will be brought out.

It's good people like you are standing for your nephew

Good advice so far

kzokul: OP! You need to help your siblings now that they really need you ooooo, as long as your husband have no problem with that. Wish you and your siblings all the best.

On the flipside, the women in the family section are all hypocrites ooooo. I can remember so many threads in this family section being opened by women that their husband siblings stay with them and what should they do? Many of this women who posted before me especially babyosisi have all advised such women to tell their husbands to throw those siblings away that it is their early marriage and they need to enjoy it. But on this thread this same hypocrites have started saying no problem with that.

When it is the husband siblings, they should be thrown away of the matrimonial home, but when it is the wife's siblings they should stay! Am on mobile now I would have posted such threads were all this women above me advised their fellow women to throw away their husband's siblings from their matrimonial homes.

Abegii!! Make I hear word jare! Let's call a spade a spade and tell it like it really is!

You're looking at things from a man's perspective who most often than not, is hardly around in his matrimonial home to see the full picture of what really goes on in there - especially in his absence! Let me tell you how it really is, especially from a married woman's point of view.

Every woman wants, or rather, needs to be in control of the affairs of her matrimonial home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying her decisions override that of her husband's - No. But with regards to the day-to-day running of the home (internal affairs), it's her domain. Problems / issues arise when the little authority she has is questioned and she feels threatened even in her own home. I'll explain:

In most cases where the man already had his siblings living with him, most of the time, that angst against his wife is already in place, even before she ties the knot with him, let alone steps foot in the home. The general feeling with the man's younger (or even older) siblings is that:

~ Wifey's just an outsider wishing to reap where she did not sow

~ Wifey wants to drive a wedge between the man and his siblings. She wants him to spend ALL of his finances on just her and nothing for them (irrespective of whether she has her own job or not).

~ Ever since wifey came into the picture, hubby spends less and less time with his siblings and has no time for his own family.

and so on and so on... it's an endless list. I've even read a couple of posters stating - Tufiakwa! She won't succeed with her evil plans in destroying our family. We'll throw her cooking pots out and send her back to where she came from!

So tell me, what sane thinking woman won't feel threatened if faced with the examples I've given above? Who wants to be judged day in and day out, till thy kingdom comes? These people do everything in their power to frustrate her with their village mentality and don't waste any time in 'reporting' her misdeeds to the hubby. Even for petty things like the shape, size, texture, colour and quantity of meat or fish given to them in their plates by wifey, they make comparisms between theirs and what she gives to the under-aged househelp. They watch her every movement with hawk eyes, waiting for her to trip up and never, ever, mind their own business. In the meantime, the poor man is caught in the middle and not wanting to take sides.

As far as the man's siblings are concerned, the wife hasn't got a leg to stand on and they can do and undo. If she doesn't like it, then she can pack her load and go back to her people.

But if it's the woman's siblings, it's the opposite:

~ Would her siblings say to her husband, "it's my sister's house! You're just an outsider. You can't tell us what to do!"?

~ Would they complain that ever since the husband got married to wifey, she doesn't spend money on them? Doesn't look after them?

~ Do they watch, monitor and judge the husband's every movement, and then report him to wifey?

~ If the husband tells them to go do household chores or help around the home, do they give him lip and answer him back rudely?

~ Does wifey's siblings try their very best to frustrate the man so that he packs out of their matrimonial home?

Would wifey's siblings dare do any of the above? Is it not a situation of: they never born dem well to try such nonsense? But yet it's okay for the man's siblings to dish out all manner of dirt on the woman, yes??

So why're you complaining??

..

@ efemeneya.

With what you just typed now, then it is advisable for the woman to bring in her own siblings to her matrimonial home, but, it is wrong for the man to bring in his own siblings to the same matrimonial home.

With the reasons you gave, then, I can safely conclude that, you as a mother, when your son marries, it is right for your son to bring in his mother-in-law to his matrimonial home and it is wrong fo your son to bring you(the mother) into the matrimonial home.

So, the mother-in-law will be more good and understanding of their marriage while yourself will always be hell to the wife. With what you just typed, that means when a man marries, his family should have no say but when a woman marries her family should have every say in the same marriage.

kzokul: @ efemeneya.

With what you just typed now, then it is advisable for the woman to bring in her own siblings to her matrimonial home, but, it is wrong for the man to bring in his own siblings to the same matrimonial home.

Did I state that explicitly? Prove me wrong and quote where I said that.

kzokul: With the reasons you gave, then, I can safely conclude that, you as a mother, when your son marries, it is right for your son to bring in his mother-in-law to his matrimonial home and it is wrong fo your son to bring you(the mother) into the matrimonial home.

Your inferences, your conclusion.

Besides, where in my post did I mention mother-in-laws? I'm talking about siblings! You do know what the word 'sibling' means don't you? (i.e: brothers and sisters)

Furthermore, contrary to what you think, I live my own independant life. So why would I want to give up my independance by packing my load on my head and go live with my son(s)? That's pure village mentality.

kzokul: So, the mother-in-law will be more good and understanding of their marriage while yourself will always be hell to the wife. With what you just typed, that means when a man marries, his family should have no say but when a woman marries her family should have every say in the same marriage.

Quote me pls to prove this point of yours.


It's funny, come to think of it. I've given you the complete picture of how it is and you don't like it. So what do you do next? You go all sentimental and emotional on me?

Efemena_xy:

Did I state that explicitly? Prove me wrong and quote where I said that.



Your inferences, your conclusion.



Quote me pls to prove this point of yours.

It's funny, come to think of it. I've given you the complete picture of how it is and you don't like it. So what do you do next? You go all sentimental and emotional on me?

yeah! You have given me the complete picture of how it is. So, with the complete picture you gave me, the husband's family will always suppress and oppress the wife while the wife's family will always be subjective and coperative to the woman and husband.

Then, the solution to this problem for you is; the woman should always bring her family members while the man shold not bring his own family members because his own will disrespect the wife and her(wife) own will alway respect the husband.

Meaning, you have no right to go to your son's matrimonial home for you will oppress your son's wife, but, your son's mother-in-law should always be there for she would be good to them.

Am typing on mobile and can't actually quote you words for words but please go and re-read your post.

As for being emotinal and sentimental, please, how am I emotional and sentimental?

kzokul: OP! You need to help your siblings now that they really need you ooooo, as long as your husband have no problem with that. Wish you and your siblings all the best.

On the flipside, the women in the family section are all hypocrites ooooo. I can remember so many threads in this family section being opened by women that their husband siblings stay with them and what should they do? Many of this women who posted before me especially babyosisi have all advised such women to tell their husbands to throw those siblings away that it is their early marriage and they need to enjoy it. But on this thread this same hypocrites have started saying no problem with that.

When it is the husband siblings, they should be thrown away of the matrimonial home, but when it is the wife's siblings they should stay! Am on mobile now I would have posted such threads were all this women above me advised their fellow women to throw away their husband's siblings from their matrimonial homes.

Please produce that thread let us read it in context
If you want to be credible here,you must give a link to that thread or sharap

So going to stay with your son for a while is a village mentality!

So there is now a difference between mother and siblings in a family?

Am through with this thread efe! You are the emotional and sentimental one here! Have a nice day!

kzokul: yeah! You have given me the complete picture of how it is. So, with the complete picture you gave me, the husband's family will always suppress and oppress the wife while the wife's family will always be subjective and coperative to the woman and husband.

Then, the solution to this problem for you is; the woman should always bring her family members while the man shold not bring his own family members because his own will disrespect the wife and her(wife) own will alway respect the husband.

Meaning, you have no right to go to your son's matrimonial home for you will oppress your son's wife, but, your son's mother-in-law should always be there for she would be good to them.

Am typing on mobile and can't actually quote you words for words but please go and re-read your post. As for being emotinal and sentimental, please, how am I emotional and sentimental?

Really? You've been on mobile since 6:24am this morning, throwing accusations at all the women in the family section. Yet you can't back up or provide proof to substantiate your claims.

No, I don't and will not go back and re-read what I've written. You should though, as you seem to have missed a lot of valid points I raised therein. Contrary to what you think, my posts are all well written, concise and straight to the point. I can't help you if you have problems comprehending what I've posted. You interpret things based on your level of understanding, which can't be helped.

Fact is, at the end of the day, it's the man's sibling's who feel they have much more of an upper hand and feel it their right to push wifey around, to bend to their will. So if the woman kicks back by being hostile, what do you expect? Nor be your people start am?

And yes, the woman's siblings are usually the more docile if not receptive ones. Give me an instance of where the man feels he's been pushed around by the woman's siblings. It is what it is, whether you like it or not. And to help jog your memory, here's a brief recap, a summary if you like, of how things are in the two camps:

Popular views held by the man's siblings, towards his wife:

~ Wifey's just an outsider wishing to reap where she did not sow (True or False?)

~ Wifey wants to drive a wedge between the man and his siblings. She wants him to spend ALL of his finances on just her and nothing for them (irrespective of whether she has her own job or not). (True or False?)

~ Ever since wifey came into the picture, hubby spends less and less time with his siblings and has no time for his own family. (True or False?)


On the flip side of the coin:

~ Would her siblings say to her husband, "it's my sister's house! You're just an outsider. You can't tell us what to do!"? No.

~ Would they complain that ever since the husband got married to wifey, she doesn't spend money on them? Doesn't look after them? No.

~ Do they watch, monitor and judge the husband's every movement, and then report him to wifey? No.

~ If the husband tells them to go do household chores or help around the home, do they give him lip and answer him back rudely? No.

~ Does wifey's siblings try their very best to frustrate the man so that he packs out of their matrimonial home? No.

Guys like you harbouring such attitudes are the cause of your own problems. I've shown you how it really is. Rather than make amends by overhauling your attitude, in the belief that the wife is a slave to both you and your family, you're here instigating that family members be pitched against each other re: the bolded bit of your post.

I still don't get where MIL's got involved here. You brought up that bit. But then again, it's what you believe, isn't it?