Grandma Yearns For The Touch Of A Better Man Than Grandpa
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An old couple who had been married for many years were travelling by road with a car. Being too old, after about ten hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room at an hotel and rest. They planned to sleep there for only three hours and then get back on the road to continue their journey.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/grandma-yearns-for-touch-of-better-man.html?m=1

I Want You To See This
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My girlfriend and I were taking a romantic walk down elegushi beach in Lagos one cold night. I grabbed her hands, drew her closer to myself, kissed her and said, Baby, you know I love you so much. There's no one here, It's just the two of us, Let's do.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/i-want-you-to-see-this.html?m=1

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Christmas Hullabaloo Episode 6
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The gateman was not yet back. Ofego ran inside, and at the front of the house, he struck a knockout and threw it at the door, and hid himself. Uncle Judas and his family had finished with supper and were at the sitting room watching T.V when they heard the sound of the knockout and ran outside. Who is that? They shouted.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/christmas-hullabaloo-episode-6.html?m=1

I Am Tired Of All This Nonsense
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So because I gave Obama my phone number, I can no longer rest again! He has been disturbing me calling me on phone, sending me text messages and just recently he added me on Whatsapp. Just imagine, any small problem he encounters he will just rush, pick his phone and call me for advice.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/i-am-tired-of-all-this-nonsense.html?m=1

See My Christmas Gift For You
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Happy Christmas, Dangote's daughter cheated on me, and you say I should break up with her? Don't you know that Love is all about forgiveness.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/see-my-christmas-gift-for-you.html?m=1

A Friend Did This On Christmas Day
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This morning, I called my friend Ojobo and said, Hello Ojobo! He said, Yes Ofego, what is it? I said, you were so drunk last night. He said,
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/a-friend-did-this-on-christmas-day.html?m=1

Evil Comedian Episode 31
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There! Never mind! I'll just leave! Ofego said. Suddenly, the room started shaking, and the guards bursted out of the mirror. Ofego took to his heels. The guards slained the husband and wife and their two children and walked out of the house with a scary face into the world in search of Ofego.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/evil-comedian-episode-31.html?m=1

Being Wicked On Weekends Episode 6
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She started talking, Ofego you are stupid, you are a village man, you are an uncivilized cow, is this is ice cream? This is yoghurt! You don't even know the difference between a yoghurt and an ice cream and you call yourself a man. Are they not all the same, if you don't want to lick, give it back to me. Just because I bought an appertizer for you before the main event which is the fast food ice cream, you are insulting me, I don't blame you, it's the love that I have for you I blame.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/being-wicked-on-weekends-episode-6.html?m=1

I found a letter written by one of the students
in the Mathematics department of the
Polytechnic I attend to a girl at a secondary
school.
Here is what the guy wrote,
Dear Doreenda, With reference to the syllabus
of my feelings, I want to prove that the locus
of my point is directly proportional to your
heart.
On seeing you, I feel like a triangle with only 2
angles, the third one being you.
At times I feel like a circle without a
circumference and a tangent without a
gradient.
We are like two simultaneous equations
without solutions.
You never seem to notice that I am a point
lying at your linear equation.
Your smile make my mind rotate 360 degrees
anticlockwise and applying a translation, I
finally get your image.
You are factors of a quadratic equation but
still feel two disjoint sets.
You are the hypotenuse of my right angled
triangle and on using either sine or cosine,
we can obtain a real solution.
I tried to deal with you on a calculator version
but the probability of success is very low.
My letter consists of only one section to be
answered without a calculator and the
answer is to be given "Yes" in three
significant figures.
My life without you is like coordinates of a
quadratic turning point.
My love for you is infinite like the graph of
Tan 90 and Tan 270 degrees.
Yours Mathematical, Gabriel.

After three years of selfless service, I suddenly
realised that I have not been promoted at my
place of work, no transfer, no salary increase,
no commendation.
The company is not even doing anything
about it. So I decided to see my HR Manager
one morning.
After exchanging greetings, I told the HR
Manager my observations. He looked at me,
laughed and asked me to sit down, and he
said, My friend, you have not worked here for
even one day.
I was surprised at what he just said but he
went on to explain, asking me, How many
days are there in a year?
I said, 365 days and sometimes 366.
How many hours make up a day? He asked,
and I replied, 24 hours sir.
He asked, How long do you work in a day? I
said, 8am to 4pm, that means 8 hours a day
sir.
So, what fraction of the day do you work in
hours? He asked. I did some mathematics in
my head immediately and said, 8/24 hours i.e.
1/3, One-third.
He said, That is nice, what is one-third of 366
days? He asked, and I replied, 122 1/3 366.
Do you come to works on weekends? He
asked.
No sir! I said.
How many days are there in a year that are
weekends? He asked.
I replied, 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals
to 104 days.
Thanks for that. He said and asked, If you
remove 104 days from 122 days, how many
do you have now?
I replied, 18 days sir!
Okay! He said, I do give you two weeks sick
leave every year. Now remove that 14 days
from the 18 days left, how many days do you
have remaining? He asked.
I replied, 4 days.
Do you work on New Year day?
He asked. No sir! I replied.
Do you come to work on workers day? He
asked. No sir! I replied.
So, how many days are left? He asked.
Two days sir! I replied.
Do you work on Independence day? He
asked.
No sir! I replied.
Do you work on Christmas day? He asked.
No sir! I replied.
So, how many days left? He asked.
None sir! I replied.
He said, So what do you need a promotion
for? We should even be sacking you!

My Girlfriend: Ofe mi, delete her. I don't like
her.
Me: Okay, no problem, I have deleted her
because of you.
She: Don't talk to her. I don't trust you two
talking.
Me: Okay, I won't talk to her again, Angel.
She: Don't chill with her. I don't feel
comfortable with it.
Me: Alright, I won't see her again, so you
don't have to worry.
She: You better not be flirting with any other
girls.
Me: I am not Angel. I don't even talk to girls
again because of you.
--------------- ------------
Me: Angel, delete him. I don't like him.
She: But I have known him for a long time
now. He's like a brother to me.
Me: Don't talk to him. I don't trust you two
talking.
She: Ofego but we are just friends. There's
nothing going on.
Me: Don't chill with him. I don't feel
comfortable with it.
She: But we chill in the same circle of friends,
It's not like he doesn't know about you.
Me: You better not be flirting with any other
guys.
She: They're not flirting with me, they're just
being friendly.
Girls want us, guys, to do their will, but they
give excuses when it's their turn to do our
own! What a world!

Nigeria Police And Their Wahala,

1; Why is your laptop bag empty, you want to steal laptop and keep it in the bag abi, oya, enter motor!

2; The victim committed suicide, but we just arrested the person that killed him!

3; Oga, this your Range Rover Sport Car is fine o. Oya, use it to hit that wall let's see if your airbag is working. Oh, you don't want to use it to hit the wall? Oya, park!!!! I say park before i break your head with my baton.

4; Why is your car not having A/C? You want to use heat to kill yourself. You want to commit suicide. Oga, park well!

5; The picture in your driver's license you carry afro, why do you now carry low cut? Come on, come down.

6; Why do you have fertilizer in your boot? You are growing weed abi. Follow us to station.

7; Your car radio is playing "Ema dami duro" young man, if you want to say something, you better say it directly!

You Are Mad If,
1; You apply perfume on your body because
you want to snap picture.
2; You want to use fork to drink garri.
3; You want to climb facebook wall.
4; You kneel down because you want to
greet a person on the phone.
5; You are above 30 and Davido and Wizkid
are your role model.
6; It took me an hour to compose a message
I sent to you, you then replied me with "k".
7; You carried a screw driver to the bank
because you want to open a bank account.
8; You went to bed with a ruler just to know
how long you slept.
9; You reduce the volume of a music player
because you want to read a text message.
10; You are smiling because a person that is
older than you greeted you.
11; You are requesting for 950 Naira change
after putting 1,000 Naira note in the offering
box in church.
12, You put your phone inside black nylon
just because you want to hide your number
from the person you are calling.
13 You are monitoring your boyfriend/
girlfriend movement.
14; You don't have a single dime in your
account you are singing "Chop my money"
instead of "Mercies of the Lord".

Yeye Questions People Ask Me And Answers I Supply Them;

Is this you? I answer, No, it is my father when he was small.

Is this your face? I answer, No, it is my stomach!

Is this a police station? I answer, No, it is a primary school, are you not seeing their uniform?

Give me your number.. 080360... So it is MTN you are using? I answer, No, it is NEPA I am using.

A guy saw me and walked up to me on my wedding, and asked, So this is your wife? I answered, No, this is my mother's classmate.

Someone called me around 2a.m and asked, Are you sleeping? I answered, No, I am pounding yam.

Being Wicked On Weekends Episode 7
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Lovingtime rushed outside saying, I can't stand this anymore. Ofego went after her. Come and eat your food na, it will get cold o. Outside, he held her and asked, Where are you going? Home! She said. Why? He asked. You brought me here to humiliate me. I told you to take me to a fast food joint and you brought me here to this shrine calling it a fast food joint aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/being-wicked-on-weekends-episode-7.html?m=1

A day after Christmas my uncle in a drunken state said to his wife, Darling, do you know that our toilet now has automatic light?

His wife slapped him and shouted, You have gone to urinate on the fridge again!

This morning I walked up to my daddy and asked, Daddy, did you know that there are ghosts in this house?

He said, Ofego my boy, please, I am a grown up man. It is going to take a lot more than that to scare me.

I am serious! I said. While the house girl was cleaning your room, she said there are a lot of ghosts here.

My daddy shouted, The house girl said what? Ofego go and pack your things and get your brothers and sisters because we are getting out of this house right now.

Why? I asked.

He replied, Because we don't have a house girl!

A woman in mourning mode went into the mortuary to make arrangements for her husband's burial.

She told the owner of the mortuary that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asked, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he is wearing?

No! She insisted. It must be a blue suit.

She then gave him a blank check to buy one.

When she came back days later to take the corpse of her husband for burial, she saw her husband in the coffin and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit.

She told the owner of the mortuary, That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?

He replied, Actually, It didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, It was wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow if she would mind if her husband is buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I swapped the heads!

A friend of mine invited me to his church
today sunday.
As the service was coming to an end. The
Pastor said, We have a project in the church
and the church needs 7.7million Naira. The
project is to build a new church auditorium
and we have to do it before the end of next
year, 2015. So everybody have to make a
pledge.
All the church members started staring at
each other.
After a while, a guy stood up and said, Pastor,
I'm making a pledge of 18,000 Naira.
The Pastor got provoked in his mind, he
thought, They are looking for 7.7 Million Naira
and someone is making a pledge of 18,000
Naira. The guy should have just kept quiet
and continued sitting down instead of
talking, eh, what is this?
The Pastor had faith and continued thinking
in his mind, There is nothing the Lord can not
do! The devil is a liar!
He shouted, If you want to sow a seed go
ahead!
Another person stood up, Pastor, I am
sowing a seed of 150,000 Naira.
The Pastor said, Thank you very much! When
are you going to pay?
The man replied, I'll pay at the end of this
week.
The Pastor said, Clap for him!
And we did!
Another person stood up, Pastor, I'm sowing
a seed of 300,000 Naira.
The Pastor said, My brother, thank you very
much. Please, when are you going to pay?
He replied, At the end of next month.
We clapped!
From no where, one guy came up and said,
Pastor give me microphone!
They gave it to him.
And he said, Pastor, When it comes to giving
to the work of God. I don't delay. How much
do you say you need?
The Pastor said, We need 7.7 Million Naira for
the project.
The guy said, Pastor, I'm making a pledge of
10 Million Naira.
Oh my God!
Before the Pastor could start to reason and
think about it.
The instruments started sounding in the air.
The Drummer played the drum. The
keyboardist pressed the keyboard. The
Church scattered, everybody danced,
including me.
The Pastor shouted, Praissssssse thy Lord!!!!
We shouted, Halleluyah!!!!
The Pastor said to the guy, My Brother please,
can you repeat yourself? How much are you
saying?
The guy replied, I can not fail. I said I am
making a pledge of 10 Million Naira for the
church project.
The Pastor shouted, Praisssseeeeeee thy
Lord!!!!
We the congregation disorganised ourselves,
separated and moved off in different
directions. Everybody danced. The Drummer
and the keyboardist made continous
rhythmic noise. They played, we danced.
They are seeking for 7.7 Million Naira and
somebody is donating 10 Million Naira. The
Pastor said to the guy, My Brother, When are
you going to pay?
The guy replied, Pastor, I'll pay, I'll make sure I
pay.
The Pastor said, I know you'll pay. But please,
put a date.
The guy replied, I will pay, before i die!

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Evil Comedian Episode 32
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The guards got together and never bothered going in search of them, they just vanished into thin air. Who are you? Ofego asked the stranger at the one room in the hotel they had lodged in. He said nothing, and Ofego shouted, I am wondering, I have been running around with a stranger ever since, a stranger who I know nothing of. Can you please tell me who you are? He asked politely. I am, you will not like to know me.
Read more: http://www.njuwo.com/2014/12/evil-comedian-episode-32.html?m=1

Yesterday evening I came out of my house, I live in the outskirt of the town, I came out and saw a Ghana must go bag a few meters away from my house.

Two girls were standing around it.

The first girl said, Ahh! It’s money o! Look at American dollars, we are rich!

The other girl said, See, let’s leave this money and go. You don’t know if it might be from ritualists. Let’s go, please, Chizoba.

After arguing back and forth, they left the ‘Ghana must go' bag and went their way.

I was so happy when they left without touching the contents in the bag.

I kept smiling as I rushed towards the money.

I couldn’t wait to grab it and enter my room with it.

But immediately I bent down to confirm what they said was inside the Ghana must go bag, I heard a voice shouting from behind, Cut, cut, cut!!!! Nollywood producers were in my neigbhourhood, shooting a movie.

A guy with testicles, the size of fully grown apples heard about a competition in the USA for the man with the world's largest testicles, and he decided to sell all his properties so that he can buy a flight ticket and go and participate in the competition.

He flew to the United States.

When he got there, he saw that the competition had ended, and approached one of the participants who was crying.

He asked him, Why are you crying sir?

The Participant replied, I lost! I thought I was going to win!

The guy looked at the participant's testicles, he was surprised, and asked, You lost and your testicles are as big as fully grown watermelons, who then won?

The participant pointing at a direction said, That man over there won!

You mean that guy on a hill? The guy asked.

The participant replied, That's not a hill, those are his testicles!

Why Jonathan is in trouble — Gov Amaechi Rotimi

Rotimi Amaechi of Rivers State was recently appointed Director-General of the Buhari Campaign Organisation. At an interactive session, Amaechi among other things, reels out plans of the campaign organisation and also clears the air on knotty issues. Excerpts: Why Jonathan is in trouble — Gov Amaechi Says he didn’t fund Buhari’s campaign

Is it true you funded the Buhari campaign for the primaries?

I did not. Buhari did not spend money for the primaries.
Read more: http://crownnewshour..com/2014/12/why-jonathan-is-in-trouble-gov-amaechi.html?m=1

Three thieves were taken to court, and were found guilty.

The first guy stole 1 sardine.

The Judge said 3 years in prison cause there are 3 fishes inside 1 sardine.

The 2nd guy stole a tray of eggs.

He got 30 years in prison cause a tray of egg contains 30 eggs.

The 3rd guy collapsed.

Do you know why?

He stole a bag of rice!

Weldone brother...........

A man, after taking his breakfast, asked his wife, My wife, do you know that Mr Ojobo at the next street died last week?

His wife said, Yes, I know!

The man informed, And the neighbours donated 16 Million Naira to the family.

His wife said, Yes, they are now made for life!

The man suggested, Don't you think it's high time one of us die?

They both kept quiet for like 6 minutes.

The man, smiling, said, I think it would be better to use poison so as to avoid any suspicion of murder.

His wife said, Yes, you are right! That is why I poisoned the tea you just took for breakfast!

One day in class at the primary school where I used to work I asked my pupils, Who can tell us an easy way to kill a lion?

A boy stood up. Uncle, i!

I said okay, Korode, tell us.

He said, To kill a lion, you need to buy a poison form a native doctor.

Go on! I urged him.

He continued, After buying the poison, just wait for the lion, when you see the lion coming towards you, just drink the poison and lie down for the lion to eat you. The lion is dead already if he eats you.

Is he right?