Sometime ago, I had some misunderstanding with my wife which prompted me to take some measures to restore some sanity in my home. As the "sanctions" were biting harder, my wife notified her family which resulted in one of her younger brothers, who is married with kids, raining abuses on me over the phone. Knowing his antecedents however, I igored him but not until my wife and her mother (who was the root cause of the whole problem) were made to beg and apologize for their actions which led to the misunderstanding in the first place.

It's been a couple of months now and normalcy has since been restored. However, every now and then, I find myself fighting this inner urge to deal ruthlessly with this recalcitrant brother-in-law of mine for his rudeness and sadly, I know it's only a matter of time before I succumb to this urge! Even though I cherish my home and would want to do anything to keep it for the sake of my innocent children, I will not succumb to abuses and insults from any in-law like in this case.

I therefore solicit advice from experienced couples on how best to handle this potentially explosive situation.

$ugardaddy:
Sometime ago, I had some misunderstanding with my wife which prompted me to take some measures to restore some sanity in my home. As the "sanctions" were biting harder, my wife notified her family which resulted in one of her younger brothers, who is married with kids, raining abuses on me over the phone. Knowing his antecedents however, I igored him but not until my wife and her mother (who was the root cause of the whole problem) were made to beg and apologize for their actions which led to the misunderstanding in the first place.

It's been a couple of months now and normalcy has since been restored. However, every now and then, I find myself fighting this inner urge to deal ruthlessly with this recalcitrant brother-in-law of mine for his rudeness and sadly, I know it's only a matter of time before I succumb to this urge! Even though I cherish my home and would want to do anything to keep it for the sake of my innocent children, I will not succumb to abuses and insults from any in-law like in this case.

I therefore solicit advice from experienced couples on how best to handle this potentially explosive situation.

It's been a couple of months... Normalcy has returned... Move the eff on.


*Gosh! People can hold on to their butthurt sha*

If I read correctly, your wife and mil have apologised
So you won

And you are disturbing yourself with the bil who has no leg in your marriage

Forget about the boy

At all at all, let yoiur wife know and talk to him

Please, ignore him and move on. Also discuss it with your wife and tell her never to involve him again in your family issues. Great week

@op, since your wife and her mum has begged you and sanity has been restored to your home, just ignore and move forward with your life. Besides, learn to forgive, it is good for your health.
Some months ago is long enough to let go.
Abeg, no vex, life is too short to be bittered against anyone.

Your BIL has forgotten he abused you and he is presently enjoying his life. You on the other hand is scheming on how to deal with him thereby creating chaos, pandemonium and restlessness for yourself.

Unforgivind heart breeds hatred and hatred eats deep into the mind like cancer. It affects health, reasoning and peace of mind. Find a place in your heart to forgive him and enjoy your life.. You will not gain anything flexing your muscle with him.

For your home to thrive in bliss, you need a forgiving heart, I want to assume (my opinion) its part of why the issue with your wife dragged too long before it ended.


In summary sir, learn to forgive people and if its hard for you to forgive, deal with issues as they come. Do not wait for months to start scheming. Its dangerous to your health.

To err is human, to forgive is divine. Please let by gone be by gones. Try to move on with your life and forget the past.

Not sure I buy all this 'move on' advice - at least not without attempting to address the problem.

There is an issue here and it should be recognised and resolved, not swept under the carpet
especially since this isn't some stranger, but a family member.

@ OP

Now that the dust has settled a bit, you need to first of all discuss this (calmly) with your wife - explain to her that the actions of her brother and ask her to speak to him about it. Your intent is not to 'revenge' but to make him understand that he was insulting and disrespectful (I assume you are older).

If the brother listens to her and apologises, accept the apology and move on.

I am not an advocate of pretending everything is okay when there is an issue, so do your best to resolve the matter amicably. One should not be insulting to in-laws, regardless of the circumstances - that is the point you should emphasise.

If he refuses move on with your life, but I personally would make it clear that he is unwelcome in my home with such an attitude. Forgiveness is good, but don't encourage bad behaviour or disrespect in your home as a matter of principle.

What he said must have really hurt you deeply, or is it just pride and ego talking to you?

Which ever of the 2 it is, instead of schemeing on how to "deal with him" be the leader and head God made you to be, call him to a calm environment and speak with him gently. Let him know how his words or actions hurt you, don't be confrontational or insultive because the natural reaction when one feels attacked is to fight back and defend themselves and this will only escalate situation.

I hope you didn't hit his sister or seriously hurt her because if you did that I am sure he will not apologise to you. However if it was something minor and you approach him well a sensible young man will listen and you guys will sort it out as most men always do.

Debosky I didn't even see your response before replying.

I feel the same way too, if there are feelings of hurt people should sensible and calmly resolve it not force forgiveness.

We tend to make it compulsary for people to push aside their valid feelings and let go, some things need to be addressed before real healing can start.

We have many angry people moving around venting on others because they have deep rooted anger from their past and were never allowed to vent, speak and resolve.

Most people I met have deep anger towards their parents or sibblings due to percieved injustice but were told to "forgive and forget" and move on without addressing their hurt and pain.

I always encourage people to handle their pain and hurt and not sweep it under the carpet because we expect them to let go. Some feelings need to be dealt with for genuiene forgiveness to take place

$ugardaddy:


[b]It's been a couple of months now and normalcy has since been restored. However, every now and then, I find myself fighting this inner urge to deal ruthlessly with this recalcitrant brother-in-law of mine for his rudeness and sadly, I know it's only a matter of time before I succumb to this urge! [/b]Even though I cherish my home and would want to do anything to keep it for the sake of my innocent children, I will not succumb to abuses and insults from any in-law like in this case.

I therefore solicit advice from experienced couples on how best to handle this potentially explosive situation.

The forgive him advice is for the part highlighted. There is a difference between how do I resolve burning issues with my BIL and how do I deal with him.

Yes, it is not advisable to stomach what you can't get over but it does no good scheming on how to retaliate. The best bet you had was when the MIL and wife were begging, it would have been appropriate to mention your BIL's case, explaining how it didn't go well with you. The MIL would have done the needful in calling his son to order and you would have been healed from the hurt of nurturing a silent wound.

Since you didn't do it then, you have a right to call the guy and express your displeasure of his actions rather than scheming on how to deal with him. Forgiving someone doesn't mean the issue will not be raised, it only means it will be addressed using appropriate channel than seeking revenge.

Of course I am much older, didn't hit my wife (and I never will), I only stopped eating at home, stopped sharing my room with her and told her her mother who instigated the whole crisis was no longer welcome to my house until she retraced her steps.

My BIL's insults could best be described as rants from a deluded individual as his utterances were incoherent. He even broke down in tears half way into the ranting exercise and that was the point where I had to cut off the call. My anger is more with the act rather than with what he said.

OP

Call your wife to tell her brother you don't appreciate him talking to you like that and how difficult has been to move past that rude call ... Her initiative ( wifee) should know you need a proper apology and not grandma taking bullet for his grown asś.

So just cos his mom already apologized to cover up his arse they should 'move on'?
I am very positive that He probably refused to apologize the first place that's why his mom did that to 'make fake peace' ...

He ( BIL) should swallow his own ego too, make that call and make things right... Just cos you married his sister doesn't give him the effrontery to misyarn anyhow ....

Hold your ground and initiate your boundaries because trust me it'll happen again and the MIL wouldn't mind to apologize 1million times... that's what grandmas/ pas do.

Move on move on its soo easy to say that... its who that wear the shoes know where ut pinches... But t hurt ko but t hurt ni.

Been there... It's called boundaries

You are clearly very hurt and upset. Calmly speak with him and resolve it. I guess he heard a passionate side of the story and reacted to it.

Speak with him, am sure he will apologise, if he doesn't move on but make your feelings known.

No need to do ceremony face to face discussion.... a call is enough then you guys can go for drinks or whatnot from there. ( if you want)

You wife will prob ask you: 'okay what do you want' blah blah ? Tell her an apology call is enough.

Good luck .

Many thanks for all the comments, especially those from debosky and jidegirl who saw things from my perspective .
I will move on as advised but will not glorify his insult with a call. Rather, I will wait for an opportunity to school him on respect for elders and how not to interfere in misuderstandings between a man and his wife.I feel a lot better now.
God bless you all.

Op u ar just too arrogant, acting like you feed d entire family. From ur words, ur over-bloated ego is definitely the cause of the problem. You want to deal with a grown man with family abi? Go ahead while we watch. Your wife apologised to save her marriage. Her mother apologised in sympathy with her and ur head is spining. This Dude owe you nothing, Take your arrogance near him and see if u won't be deflated. Nonsense!

m-ployer:
Op u ar just too arrogant, acting like you feed d entire family. From ur words, ur over-bloated ego is definitely the cause of the problem. You want to deal with a grown man with family abi? Go ahead while we watch. Your wife apologised to save her marriage. Her mother apologised in sympathy with her and ur head is spining. This Dude owe you nothing, Take your arrogance near him and see if u won't be deflated. Nonsense!

Hmmmm. Another perspective to the whole saga
Mind you, my MIL didn't apologize for the insult from her son, she only aplologized for instigating the whole crisis. My wife also did not categorically apologize on his behalf, rather she said "he said he didn't insult you". But your point of view is very well noted as arrogance is a vice in itself which I must guard against on my part.

$ugardaddy:
Many thanks for all the comments, especially those from debosky and jidegirl who saw things from my perspective .
I will move on as advised but will not glorify his insult with a call. Rather, I will wait for an opportunity to school him on respect for elders and how not to interfere in misuderstandings between a man and his wife.I feel a lot better now.
God bless you all.

Such ego and arrogance have no place in a happy marriage. I wish you the best in your quest, you are a piece of work.

debrief08:

Such ego and arrogance have no place in a happy marriage. I wish you the best in your quest, you are a piece of work.

Very well noted, will improve.Thanks

m-ployer:
Op u ar just too arrogant, acting like you feed d entire family. From ur words, ur over-bloated ego is definitely the cause of the problem. You want to deal with a grown man with family abi? Go ahead while we watch. Your wife apologised to save her marriage. Her mother apologised in sympathy with her and ur head is spining. This Dude owe you nothing, Take your arrogance near him and see if u won't be deflated. Nonsense!

GBAM! You messed with his sister (at least, in his perspective), he called you out of anger and hurt (to the extent he even started crying), that shows someone who truly cares about his sister, maybe he went about it the wrong way but dt doesn't sound like it was out of rudeness to you, it was clearly out of concern for his blood sister. You now want to start showing how strong you are, PLEASE, GO AHEAD! I hope that guy wouldn't be sissy enough to start crying all over again, i hope he has the energy to deal with you. The only person i pity here is your wife, cos she's the one that'll be caught up in it.

So they won't say i didn't say anything, my own point is that see the situation for what it really is: "He was concerned about his sister", and not "He doesn't know how to respect elders". He doesn't owe you zilch, i'm guessing you're not feeding him, if he's your type, i can bet this is gonna be a really interesting drama.

@alutacontinua
Thanks for your post. I don't want to believe your moniker has anything to do with your view point

$ugardaddy:
@alutacontinua
Thanks for your post. I don't want to believe your moniker has anything to do with your view point

Actually, i'm 90% of the time e-gentle. It takes time to pull out my username out of me. Your ego is just too big to deal with

$ugardaddy:
Many thanks for all the comments, especially those from debosky and jidegirl who saw things from my perspective .
I will move on as advised but will not glorify his insult with a call. Rather, I will wait for an opportunity to school him on respect for elders and how not to interfere in misuderstandings between a man and his wife.I feel a lot better now.
God bless you all.

That is the wrong approach - as an elder, you should rise above petty point scoring and get to the root of the matter. Instead of seeking an opportunity for revenge, you will gain his respect if you approach this issue in a mature and considered way.

Like I said earlier, this is family - not some stranger you're trying to settle scores with.

$ugardaddy:

Hmmmm. Another perspective to the whole saga
Mind you, my MIL didn't apologize for the insult from her son, she only aplologized for instigating the whole crisis. My wife also did not categorically apologize on his behalf, rather she said "he said he didn't insult you". But your point of view is very well noted as arrogance is a vice in itself which I must guard against on my part.

No prob. I think u've gothen enough apologies to calm down and possibly tender some apologies urself. You might not be completely right, you know? Then, learn to respect ur in-laws, disrespect to ur in-law is disrespect to ur wife. Cheers.

Op, you are welcome to nairaland where all views must be considered ... In all ramifications....
Best of luck!

m-ployer:
No prob. I think u've gothen enough apologies to calm down and possibly tender some apologies urself. You might not be completely right, you know? Then, learn to respect ur in-laws, disrespect to ur in-law is disrespect to ur wife. Cheers.

Yeah! The bolded is one of the reasons I'm really bitter because disrespect to me by my BIL is disrespect to her sister too who happens to be my wife. But my wife doesn't see any disrespect to me by her brother as disrepsect to herself.

Amelian: Op, you are welcome to nairaland where all views must be considered ... In all ramifications....
Best of luck!

My sister, I'm getting more confused now! It looks like I'm the one that should be apologizing for making myself available to be insulted simply because I married somebody's sister . Some views here are even making me feel like I should seek my inlaws opinions first before calling my wife to order whenever she errs so as not to be insulted by them .

debosky:

That is the wrong approach - as an elder, you should rise above petty point scoring and get to the root of the matter. Instead of seeking an opportunity for revenge, you will gain his respect if you approach this issue in a mature and considered way.

Like I said earlier, this is family - not some stranger you're trying to settle scores with.

I get your point really. Family and maturity are the keywords here.

alutacontinua:

Actually, i'm 90% of the time e-gentle. It takes time to pull out my username out of me. Your ego is just too big to deal with

Mind you, I apologized to my MIL too after she tendered her apology (both over the phone and physically) even though the generality of opinion was that I was right while she was wrong. I did that out of respect for her. I also apologized to my wife too for "over-reacting" as she puts it. I'm not sure that's what egocentric men do.

chaircover: They have apologised and things have “moved” on in his home, but he is still seething. I guess because he still feels insulted and badly treated by someone who shouldn’t have behaved in that way in the first instance.

I don’t like the idea of pushing things under the carpet, because they don’t really go away but just fester. In this case it is a family member that he is stuck with for life and not one random stranger, so it needs to be dealt with once and for all.

The poster needs to talk to his wife about how he is feeling. She in turn should speak to her brother and ask him to come and apologise to you and even if he doesnt apologise, at the very least, she needs to let him know that what he did was wrong and it shouldn’t be repeated.

At the way things stand, the brother in law can still repeat what he did at a later date and I guess that is what the poster is guarding against.

@poster not all things follow due process in this life as you have found out and one plus one doesn’t always equal two. Make your stance clear and move on. No point keeping it all bottled up inside and looking for ways to try to correct the wrong done to you because you are only damaging yourself and also your relationship with your wife in the long run.

Thank you.