My husband is 13 years older than i am. He's short tempered and is way too self-opinionated. What he says is law and if i don't "carry out" his instructions, I'm insubordinate and disloyal. Which of course fetches me the beating of my life. He says i don't have to work (I'm a lawyer) that he has the capacity of providing for me and our two kids. Consequently,when there is any disagreement,he leaves the house for weeks and won't give me money. I'll have to start begging even when he's at fault! The last straw was when he beat me up with my nine months pregnancy! (Four days to the birth of my son). We were visiting my folks and were lodged in a hotel.he suggested i spend some hours with the kids in my parents house since he wanted to rest.i consented of course. On getting back,i saw hair littered every where on the sheets. I asked him if he had company and he flew into a rage,calling me names and then the beatings started. How long can i put up with this?

Btw,every one around thinks I'm enjoying marriage because i hardly tell anyone what I'm going thru.

hmmmm! i must confess to u i really feel for u, seriously, i knw wot u r going tru. av bin dere,( my parents) which is still happening presently.

pls, my sisiter, dis is ur life, we only av one life to liv. Stand ur grand he is ur husband nah, abeg remove d fear face him face to face, let him knw he is hurting u internally....whivh may cause sudden death GOD FORBID'. r u a xtain? if u r pls, tell ur pastor about dis.
make a decision ursef.... live for ur sef nd kids....


BTW, aw do u guyz met sef, was he wealthy wen u met him or wot?
GOD! GOD!! Y DIS NAH??

Tobiegal:

Maybe you could plan your exit for some time.

Now, if you say he gets all lovey dovey for some months, you can channel you urgent request to start a business or a job in d most lovey dovey way! You could even start applying and possibly get a job offer and tell him in d best of moods...

Sort out the best way to move on with your life with your child within a certain period...

And just move out when all is set.

justthinking...

Hahahaha...... once,i tried convincing him to pay stipend into my account monthly just as savings,he went about telling people that it was my mum that put me up to it.that was how i forgot that one.he makes sure i don't hold any cash on me. He shops for the kids and says since my MIL drives,she can be doing the household shopping. Even airtime for my phones come from him. Quite pathetic!

swag queen:



Hahahaha...... once,i tried convincing him to pay stipend into my account monthly just as savings,he went about telling people that it was my mum that put me up to it.that was how i forgot that one.he makes sure i don't hold any cash on me. He shops for the kids and says since my MIL drives,she can be doing the household shopping. Even airtime for my phones come from him. Quite pathetic!

God av mercy!!.

its high time u started pullinh ursef togeda

debrief08: The greatest tool In the hands of most abusers is financial power.
They use sweet words to get you totally depending oon them and when they know you are dependent on them they proceed to cut you off from family and friends who can speak sense to you.

True that! Well,he has asked me to leave his house! That he will take care of his children by paying into my dad's account.that since i want to work,i should go and look for a job and take care of myself. He suddenly started asking me what impact I've made in his life. (Pls what does he mean by that)

swag queen:



Hahahaha...... once,i tried convincing him to pay stipend into my account monthly just as savings,he went about telling people that it was my mum that put me up to it.that was how i forgot that one.he makes sure i don't hold any cash on me. He shops for the kids and says since my MIL drives,she can be doing the household shopping. Even airtime for my phones come from him. Quite pathetic!

So your MIL does the shopping? My dear, I feel for you, I had a cousin's friend whom her husband push out of the house and took her four month old son. This girl is an mSc graduate from a reputable university in London, she was asked to resign and take care of babies until they are big. Funny enough she did and started having problem with her husband and family. Her husband family in Nigeria very wealthy and threatened her out if the house.
After months of begging, nothing could be done to get her back to the house, her son was malnourished and couldn't even recognized her when she saw him in the church.
Fast forward,

She is presently back in the UK to start life afresh, came back briefly to Naija to take her child.
See practically stole the child back and ran to the UK.


Now I think they are making plans to reconnect the family..I don't really know. But she got her freedom.
Check your situation and decide the best option for you.
Staying put in a marriage where you get battered but provided with food and clothing or making better of life.

Tread carefully

pickabeau1:

Please do that

Being empowered is crucial to cast off the net of oppression

What is the decision of your parents?

My dad is ok with any decision i take. My mum says forgive,forget and stay!

We dated for 2 years and have been married for 4 yrs.yet nothing to show for it.


Btw,this thread is for all abused people. Am i the only abused person here? Lets share our stories and draw strength from one another. Thanks

swag queen:


True that! Well,he has asked me to leave his house! That he will take care of his children by paying into my dad's account.that since i want to work,i should go and look for a job and take care of myself. He suddenly started asking me what impact I've made in his life. (Pls what does he mean by that)

If I were you, I will use this as a challenge to build my own life, if you don't build yourself by yourself don't expect anyone to build it for you oh.

I feel for you my dear, i cant even fathom this height of wickedness. all i can say is that you have to start doing something immediately. if he says he should leave his house. please do. no doubt you will have issues, but with time you will get back on your feet. mark my words; he will come back to you begging. what has happened is that, somebody somewhere is giving him confidence that once u re off his view, that she will step in and they will live happily after. but like me and u know, character die hard. soon he will resume his abuse on that one too and most likely, she will not condone it like you have done overtime. more so, God has a way of making those kind of people pay for their misgivings by sending their match their way.

This is what i have been to telling my sister over time, to start something instead of this house wife syndrome that have taken over her mentality.

Courage is all you need now. more so like somebody suggested, discuss it with your pastor or a confidant but please as they advise you, do not throw away your own common sense.

I pray for u and ur kind always.

Unfortunately, I have nothing to share but an advice to young people still dating.

Dont be blinded by love, money, sway etc. Background is very important. Most abusive men come from abusive homes. The first marriage we all know and see is our parents and the way our parents conduct themselves in marriage would have a strong influence in how we conduct ourselves in marriage. We are their offspring. So young people should research family background before saying "I do". He might be sounding all romantic and all that. But the day you offend him after marriage, all he will remember is how his dad beat the hell out of his mum for the same offense some years back. Then he begins to ask himself why he should not do the same to you.

My advice also goes to guys. Abuse no get gender. Some girls go about verbally abusing their husbands because that was what they also saw. And some even go physical. Shine ya eye before marriage, because after marriage na prayer remain o!

Nashville: Unfortunately, I have nothing to share but an advice to young people still dating.

Dont be blinded by love, money, sway etc. Background is very important. Most abusive men come from abusive homes. The first marriage we all know and see is our parents and the way our parents conduct themselves in marriage would have a strong influence in how we conduct ourselves in marriage. We are their offspring. So young people should research family background before saying "I do". He might be sounding all romantic and all that. But the day you offend him after marriage, all he will remember is how his dad beat the hell out of his mum for the same offense some years back. Then he begins to ask himself why he should not do the same to you.

My advice also goes to guys. Abuse no get gender. Some girls go about verbally abusing their husbands because that was what they also saw. And some even go physical. Shine ya eye before marriage, because after marriage na prayer remain o!

In addition to this, I'll also add friends, if your man keeps close friends that are abusive to their spouses , there is a 90% chance that one day he'll hit you due to peer pressure.

He's a control freak and The sister says the only woman capable of staying with him is one who would just sit back,relax and watch without talking! What insanity. Just sit relax,she says.

Nashville: Unfortunately, I have nothing to share but an advice to young people still dating.

Dont be blinded by love, money, sway etc. Background is very important. Most abusive men come from abusive homes. The first marriage we all know and see is our parents and the way our parents conduct themselves in marriage would have a strong influence in how we conduct ourselves in marriage. We are their offspring. So young people should research family background before saying "I do". He might be sounding all romantic and all that. But the day you offend him after marriage, all he will remember is how his dad beat the hell out of his mum for the same offense some years back. Then he begins to ask himself why he should not do the same to you.

My advice also goes to guys. Abuse no get gender. Some girls go about verbally abusing their husbands because that was what they also saw. And some even go physical. Shine ya eye before marriage, because after marriage na prayer remain o!

MIL says FIL has never laid a finger on her.that he doesn't have the money to beg her afterwards! The first time he beat me after our marriage,MIL said well,all men beat their wives! Haba!

Thunder fire the head of any man who dares abuse me . . . physically or emotionally.

Husband or no husband, older or younger . . . . me and am go put leg for inside one trousers.

@ Swag queen . .

You need to grow some balls and stand up for yourself for the sake of your children. Ahaaaan . .

Have you no shame at all . . . a Lawyer by training, and yet you roll back and take trash from a man . . . . . not God oh, ordinary man.

Your parents must be heart broken . . . all the money they spent on your education is being wasted . . . . all to answer mrs. 'jerk'! Men who abuse their wives, the mother of their kids, are the lowest of all scum. They should be stripped naked and flogged in the market square!

Please let me ask, does your husband have two heads? Is it not the same one head you were born with that he has himself?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I detest weak women . . . you are causing more problem for yourself and your innocent kids in the future than you can possibly imagine.

Either you grow some balls and force him to be a responsible father/husband . . . . or save your sanity and those of your kids and walk away!

swag queen: !

His mum presently lives with us and takes everything he says.tells initially,my mum was supportive but relapsed after a while urging me to forgive and forget! I told her that if i forgive and forget,he'll come back home and the cycle begins. Lovey dovey for one month,two,three and then a flimsy reason to be beaten up! When he talks,no one talks! If u walk away,u're walking out on him! I'm just scared he might take my daughter away from me.

You are a lawyer, do not ever forget that. Even if you have never practiced before, hook up with some of your 'learned colleagues' and tap from their professional advise. This is Africa where the mother usually gets custody of her children. Prove to the court of law that your husband is a beast, show them the scares he inflicted on your. That's even enough reason for the judge to rule in your favour. Time is of the essence here, do not deceive yourself that it will get better someday coz it never would. Get a good lawyer, file for a divorce and move on with your life. Your children needs their mother intact emotionally and physically.

steph7:
In addition to this, I'll also add friends, if your man keeps close friends that are abusive to their spouses , there is a 90% chance that one day he'll hit you due to peer pressure.

For real! He started going after girls when he started mingling with a certain man and his friends. My mum called him and told him about the man and he quickly defended him saying people were just blackmailing him.

swag queen: He's a control freak and The sister says the only woman capable of staying with him is one who would just sit back,relax and watch without talking! What insanity. Just sit relax,she says.

Madam, this may hurt but your husband does not love you. You have been married for just for years and all of this has happened and his parents no get shame sef. I am a married man so I know what I am saying - that man does not love you and you have nothing to gain by staying in that marriage. I repeat, you have nothing to gain. He openly cheats and beats you for complaining, gives you no money etc. Now you feel worthless and you are still staying there. If I understand correctly, you are just 30 years old and a lawyer. Please do not end you life before it even starts.

Let me tell you the truth. You made a mistake by marrying that man, you better cut your loses and start afresh. The future of your marriage is bleak and I just cant see how he will change. At 30 you can still get a job, how can you just give up like that. Send me your CV, I know partners in top law firms and I will forward to them for real. No joking here. You need to get yourself a job asap. Now if he says you cant work, then its time to tell him goodbye.

I know a woman who was divorced, without a job, heavily in debt and with two children at age 30. She started afresh and by age 40 she was a multi-millionare in dollars. You know how she did it. She gave herself a chance in life by starting over. You need to give yourself another chance. You are just 30 and you want to end your life in some marriage. Some of your mates sef never marry and they will still marry and enjoy life. Please, in fact I am so angry that I will start blaming you if I continue!

swag queen:



MIL says FIL has never laid a finger on her.that he doesn't have the money to beg her afterwards! The first time he beat me after our marriage,MIL said well,all men beat their wives! Haba!

Very contradictory statement from mother in law. All men beat their wives but her own husband never beat her. Dont listen to them o, they are siding him blindly and I can bet her husband did the same. All men do not beat their wives. But did he ever show this kinda trait before marriage. Please be truthful!

*following*

Honestly, this is really sad and pathetic. Why remain abused for so long? Without a man, you can live your life. Is marriage a pre-requisite to survival? I know it's not easy...at all...it isn't. But it's not something you can't do. Walk out and let him grovel and beg with tears streaming down his face, mucus lining his nose, hands shaking vigorously, teeth gnashing sorrowfully, begging passionately for you and his kids in the near future.

You are strong. Let the abuse 'harden' your heart in a good way. I feel for you, madam. Above all, I wish you the best and a happy life. You deserve it.

swag queen:



MIL says FIL has never laid a finger on her.that he doesn't have the money to beg her afterwards! The first time he beat me after our marriage,MIL said well,all men beat their wives! Haba!

Lol @ all men beat their wives . . . .


Madam you are not some teenage village girl. You are a grown up Barrister . . .

How can you allow yourself to be brainwashed.

Please in case you are confused . . . .

NOT ALL MEN BEAT THEIR WIVES . . . . mine doesn't .

It's abnormal . . . . sane men don't beat their wives and certainly not when they are 9 moths pregnant.

@ujuJoan, u've made me laugh.


God bless you all who have taken time out to soothe my pain and allay my fears,comforting me with kind and funny words.May God bring helpers your way and may your wells never run dry.


I'm still here o.

@ swagqueen first thing , send your CV to nashville and keep the fact that your are looking for a job away from your husband. like you said your husband is a control freak and he is will prevent you from getting financial independence. Hopefully you'll get the job, if you can look for a way to work for a month without your husband knowing then do it. get money from your first salary and move out one fine morning!! si.lly man

swag queen: !

His mum presently lives with us and takes everything he says.tells initially,my mum was supportive but relapsed after a while urging me to forgive and forget! I told her that if i forgive and forget,he'll come back home and the cycle begins. Lovey dovey for one month,two,three and then a flimsy reason to be beaten up! When he talks,no one talks! If u walk away,u're walking out on him! I'm just scared he might take my daughter away from me.

don't you have brothers?

Nashville:

Very contradictory statement from mother in law. All men beat their wives but her own husband never beat her. Dont listen to them o, they are siding him blindly and I can bet her husband did the same. All men do not beat their wives. But did he ever show this kinda trait before marriage. Please be truthful!

We dated for two years and pls don't blame me,he beat me once in those two years but apologized profusely for a long long time. Once i separated from him for four months while we were dating for the lack of respect he always exhibited towards me (he would call,complain about something and hang up on me.i never ever hang up on people.i see it as being disrespectful) but then,the first time,u always think he'll change.

once u ve been abused bail out. dnt say u luv him he's gonna change. no way... he will NEVER

Some men get heart with hate sha,

Les: don't you have brothers?

One elder brother and a younger brother. I've never told them any of these things. His brothers beat up his sister's husband and even locked him up for beating their sister.he was away in America else he would have taught the man a lesson.

swag queen: My husband's folks are loyal to him because ofnthe things he does for them and therefore,no one talks to him.he's a lord on his own. And of course the issue of infidelity comes to play too. He monitors my every move and is free to do whatever he likes,go wherever he likes and the last time,i saw a particular number of a female that he saved with a man's name,when i talked, he went ahead to call me names again. Came to beat me up as usual but for once in my life.my i stood up to him and told him never to try it! I guess that scared him a bit cos he dropped the weapon he wanted to use in hitting me..... i got advice from well-meaning friends to leave his place and go to my parent's house to heal but knowing him,he would never come for us.

It means i have to start life afresh. 30 years with no money in the bank,with two children and no job! God!

I feel your pains and i pray you recover from this shock but why did you stay for so long without working or doing a business for yourself all this while

My advise to women, when you get married, ensure that you are also independent on the man's income by doing something tangible so that when he misbehaves, you can always find a way out from him for the meantime without feeling the financial pressure on ur shoulders.

swag queen:


My dad is ok with any decision i take. My mum says forgive,forget and stay!

Then you have the tools to make a decision

Seperate for a season..Rebuild your life

Take it one day at a time

Dont be hasty..

Send your cv to Nashville... he may be able to help