hello house please advice me 28th of december has been fixed for my trad and white wedding and all items have been purchased,yesterday i had an issue with my fiance cos a girl was was always calling him,i notice the girl calls like mad and he doesn't answer when i am around,i went thru his messages before and i saw were the girl referred me as the bitch who stole her man and took her happiness.i told him to pick but he switched off the phone pretending he was busy.this got me really mad and i struggled the phone with him and i insulted him in the process and he reported me to his pastor.i used to opportunity to air my view about everytin.last night this guy sent me a mail,insulted me and my family,u need to c the words he used on me,i work in a bank and he knows about all my clients asking me out,he insisted i was sleeping with my client,even tunted me with my past which i gisted him about,the words were so degrading.
this morning he dropped the cloths for the wedding at my office and has been calling to insullt me since that he is not interested in the wedding.my GREATEST FEAR NOW IS MY PARENTS.how do i tell them what is happening,i wish just sleep and never wake up again.
that is how he insults me at every given opportunity,how do i tell my parents all the money spent was wasted.
i know my life is worth than 2MILLION,how will my parent walk on the street after this embarrasment i want to put them thru
heaven plss helpme

Which embarrassment? That you have to part ways with someone that will make your life miserable till death/divorce do you part?

One of the big problems plaguing people is thinking about what people will say. People that have no concern about your well-being or good state?

It is good that things are happening now before being joined. It is better you call off the wedding, explain to your parents and I believe they will understand. After which take your time and do it right.

The guy was "managing" the whole scene until you provoked this episode.
The existence of the girl was not in doubt but he had already settled for u instead of the other girl.
My advice is for you to initiate the peace move, because apparently the drum beat of war weda we admit it or not, was initiated by u.
As at now, the guy, being egostist like most men are, would be waiting for your call to make a truce and move on with the plan.
Again, in things of marriage, your interest should superceed your parents interests.
Worry less about ur parents and worry more about how sad/happy you d be if the marriage is called off, if you trully love/despise the guy.

Kx: The guy was "managing" the whole scene until you provoked this episode.
The existence of the girl was not in doubt but he had already settled for u instead of the other girl.
My advice is for you to initiate the peace move, because apparently the drum beat of war weda we admit it or not, was initiated by u.
As at now, the guy, being egostist like most men are, would be waiting for your call to make a truce and move on with the plan.
Again, in things of marriage, your interest should superceed your parents interests.
Worry less about ur parents and worry more about how sad/happy you d be if the marriage is called off, if you trully love/despise the guy.

Settling... then the guy does not truly appreciate her

Kx: The guy was "managing" the whole scene until you provoked this episode.
The existence of the girl was not in doubt but he had already settled for u instead of the other girl.
My advice is for you to initiate the peace move, because apparently the drum beat of war weda we admit it or not, was initiated by u.
As at now, the guy, being egostist like most men are, would be waiting for your call to make a truce and move on with the plan.
Again, in things of marriage, your interest should superceed your parents interests.
Worry less about ur parents and worry more about how sad/happy you d be if the marriage is called off, if you trully love/despise the guy.

Do you really think she needs to apologize? For what?

If what the OP described here is the truth, what will she apologize for? To an unfaithful person caught off-guard and who couldn't even come up with diplomatic tactics to resolve but resort to abuse.

bellong:


Do you really think she needs to apologize? For what?

If what the OP described here is the truth, what will she apologize for? To an unfaithful person caught off-guard and who couldn't even come up with diplomatic tactics to resolve but resort to abuse.

Tnk God u knew abt ds b4 tying the knot with(it would av been sth else after marriage).he would av apologised rather than insulting u at every opportunity he had if the other gal is not important to him.evalute d relationship n put ur happiness first not wat pple think,afterall u r d one to b married to him and not pple.explain the whole thing to ur family calmly,they'l understand.
Pray about it too

bellong:


One of the big problems plaguing people is thinking about what people will say. People that have no concern about your well-being or good state?

You have just described the problem i have noticed amongst people in a abusive or bad relationship. They are always thinking about what other people who are irrelevant to their lives say. The world is selfish and before you think about what another person says consider this first "what makes you happy?" and do what makes you happy and let people whin their mouths.

The guy that was given a long list of bride price things, infact, he even borrowed at the marriage ground from his friends to satisfy his in-laws, would have worked away from the marriage there and then, but he stayed back.

The guy that caught his wife with her ex -boyfy after marriage would have divorced her there and then but he restrained.

There are so many women living with their husbands and vice versa today for years yet they are not "relating as husband and wife if u know what i mean" but they did nt break up.

The point am making is marriage requires a whole lot of tolerance and patience.
The pix the op painted is just about the first real test of her will to commit to the man and she is taking off already?
What exactly is our meaning of marriage?

If dey break up, for how long will she choose to run away just at her point of celebration?
Both parties needs to make subtle peace moves that will culminate in reconciliation and marriage.

My dear if only you know what God has done for you by making you see this side of him now than later. Pls don't apologise o. Let him go because you will only be postponing d obvious. It's one thing 2get married and another thing to be happy. If I may ask:do u think he was trying to marry u cos u're financially independent? What does the other lady do?

double post

Kx: The guy that was given a long list of bride price things, infact, he even borrowed at the marriage ground from his friends to satisfy his in-laws, would have worked away from the marriage there and then, but he stayed back.

The guy that caught his wife with her ex -boyfy after marriage would have divorced her there and then but he restrained.

There are so many women living with their husbands and vice versa today for years yet they are not "relating as husband and wife if u know what i mean" but they did nt break up.

The point am making is marriage requires a whole lot of tolerance and patience.
The pix the op painted is just about the first real test of her will to commit to the man and she is taking off already?
What exactly is our meaning of marriage?

If dey break up, for how long will she choose to run away just at her point of celebration?
Both parties needs to make subtle peace moves that will culminate in reconciliation and marriage.

So u want her to happily marry him? well, in my opinion, infidelity is the last thing to be tolerated in any relationship cos it's always the root of most marital problems

Poster, this can be tough and I would not pretend as if it is very esy to break up four weeks to the wedding. The fact that you have fixed the wedding four weeks away means alot of work has been put into it. I know it is not easy and especially for your parents.

But the truth is that you need to remember that your wedding day is not the destination but the beginning of the journey. The aim is not to have a big wedding party but to live happily ever after with someone that you love and loves you in return. If you havent even started the journey and he is already doing this, I will not advice you go on life's journey with this guy under any circumstance. He does not love you and if he can insult you like that over the other girl, then he will be better off with her and you with someone else.

Per your parents, sit them down immediately and tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I believe they will see reason with you because they would not want you to be unhappy till you die. And please 2 million is not worth 1% of your happiness. Dont mind what people will say; people have mouths and they will always talk and you cant control it so forget about people. Its your life and you need to do whats best for yourself.

You should be thankful to God he showed your partner for who he truly is. Yeah it may be embarrassing but think about it this way, would you rather a short period of embarrassment or a lifetime with an adulterer? I don't know about you but i believe in marriage being a lifetime commitment and if there's ever a strong evidence of doubt/infidelity while dating, i wouldn't dare consider/continue the wedding.

Statistics of unhappy/failing marriages is insanely high and i'd rather know this before tying the knot than be added to the stats

For those advising you to apologize or try to make up, don't even try it because that makes you look like you're desperate for marriage except of course, if you are. If you apologize, that man will have little or no respect for you and he'll see you as a pushover, forever!

A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage,if you end up marrying this guy,you ll simply add to the statistics of bored married ladies that spend their time lamenting on how all men are useless and the same.

You ve been well advised by other posters with the exception of what Kx said.infidelity is the root cause of most marital breakdown and from your fiance's attitude serious yeye dey smell.

[quote author=Kamsy10]My dear if only you know what God has done for you by making you see this side of him now than later. Pls don't apologise o. Let him go because you will only be postponing d obvious. It's one thing 2get married and another thing to be happy. If I may ask:do u think he was trying to marry u cos u're financially independent? What does the other lady do?[/quote
the other girl is still in sch

I know someone that called off her wedding 2 weeks to the wedding, is she married now ? no, but she is quite happy and focusing on the positives in life. After she cancelled it, people came out and were telling her she was lucky she didn't marry the man because of the family background. Poster, you have nothing to lose!! your folks will be sad no doubt, but when you meet the right man you'll know he was worth the wait.
And on no account should you go and beg that cheat, if he is doing it now, imagine what will happen 2 -3 years after the wedding, he probably cheat openly then and not even come back home on some nights. remember Aids is Real!

brownsugar007: hello house please advice me 28th of december has been fixed for my trad and white wedding and all items have been purchased,yesterday i had an issue with my fiance cos a girl was was always calling him,i notice the girl calls like mad and he doesn't answer when i am around,i went thru his messages before and i saw were the girl referred me as the bitch who stole her man and took her happiness.i told him to pick but he switched off the phone pretending he was busy.this got me really mad and i struggled the phone with him and i insulted him in the process and he reported me to his pastor.i used to opportunity to air my view about everytin.last night this guy sent me a mail,insulted me and my family,u need to c the words he used on me,i work in a bank and he knows about all my clients asking me out,he insisted i was sleeping with my client,even tunted me with my past which i gisted him about,the words were so degrading.
this morning he dropped the cloths for the wedding at my office and has been calling to insullt me since that he is not interested in the wedding.my GREATEST FEAR NOW IS MY PARENTS.how do i tell them what is happening,i wish just sleep and never wake up again.
that is how he insults me at every given opportunity,how do i tell my parents all the money spent was wasted.
i know my life is worth than 2MILLION,how will my parent walk on the street after this embarrasment i want to put them thru
heaven plss helpme

My dear brown sugar please do not listen to all those saying you should break up, unless that is really what you want and you are not confused after all. That said, getting married is not an easy thing. Marriages are made in heaven and them haters aren't happy so lots of temptations will definitely come your way even right up to your wedding day. My advise to you ( if you are I love with this man n want to be his wife) is to call your fiancé and apologise for grabbing his phone and insulting him ( you were wrong to do that, no matter how upset u must have been) after which tell him you would like to talk to him. ( here you need enough maturity, no insulting nor tantrums) tell him you are not happy that this girl calls often and it makes you feel unhappy or hurt or whatever it is you are feeling. In your post you said the girl wrote you took her man but you never said anything about what your fiancé's response was. It is possible it's the girl calling your fiancé and he's probably not interested. As for your fiancé saying he doesn't wanna marry anymore, a guy will say anything when he' s stressed or in this case when his ego is bruised, so don't take his hurtful words to heart. Just try and clear things between yourself and your man before thinking of calling your wedding off.
Lots of luck gal!

Lerrie John:

In your post you said the girl wrote you took her man but you never said anything about what your fiancé's response was. It is possible it's the girl calling your fiancé and he's probably not interested. As for your fiancé saying he doesn't wanna marry anymore, a guy will say anything when he' s stressed or in this case when his ego is bruised, so don't take his hurtful words to heart. Just try and clear things between yourself and your man before thinking of calling your wedding off.
Lots of luck gal!

Sorry can you read the original post again. Did you see where the poster mentioned the other girl called her a bi*tch? If nothing is going on between the two, would the guy let another girl call his wife a bi*tch and not react? I guess you are a guy, do you allow random girls to call your wife or girlfriend a bi*tch and then you just smile and continue the conversation?

Please tell me how his ego was bruised and why he should not be the one explaining the exchange with the other girl. Who is the one cheating here and whose ego is bruised?

Kx: The guy that was given a long list of bride price things, infact, he even borrowed at the marriage ground from his friends to satisfy his in-laws, would have worked away from the marriage there and then, but he stayed back.

The guy that caught his wife with her ex -boyfy after marriage would have divorced her there and then but he restrained.

There are so many women living with their husbands and vice versa today for years yet they are not "relating as husband and wife if u know what i mean" but they did nt break up.

The point am making is marriage requires a whole lot of tolerance and patience.
The pix the op painted is just about the first real test of her will to commit to the man and she is taking off already?
What exactly is our meaning of marriage?

If dey break up, for how long will she choose to run away just at her point of celebration?
Both parties needs to make subtle peace moves that will culminate in reconciliation and marriage.

The average Nigerian's mindset towards marriage is very disturbing

The OP is not married and there is nothing, absolutely nothing binding her to warrant suffering and 'tolerance'!

She is lucky enough to know the stuff her hubby to be is made up of and she should still marry him headlong and start managing?

What's with Nigerians and suffering and smiling?

Lerrie John:

My dear brown sugar please do not listen to all those saying you should break up, unless that is really what you want and you are not confused after all. That said, getting married is not an easy thing. Marriages are made in heaven and them haters aren't happy so lots of temptations will definitely come your way even right up to your wedding day. My advise to you ( if you are I love with this man n want to be his wife) is to call your fiancé and apologise for grabbing his phone and insulting him ( you were wrong to do that, no matter how upset u must have been) after which tell him you would like to talk to him. ( here you need enough maturity, no insulting nor tantrums) tell him you are not happy that this girl calls often and it makes you feel unhappy or hurt or whatever it is you are feeling. In your post you said the girl wrote you took her man but you never said anything about what your fiancé's response was. It is possible it's the girl calling your fiancé and he's probably not interested. As for your fiancé saying he doesn't wanna marry anymore, a guy will say anything when he' s stressed or in this case when his ego is bruised, so don't take his hurtful words to heart. Just try and clear things between yourself and your man before thinking of calling your wedding off.
Lots of luck gal!

This other Nigerian belief that people advising you hate you and are jealous is also funny!

A married woman in the arms of her loving hubby or a married man with joy in his heart when he thinks of her advises a lady about to wed and she thinks 'they' are jealous of her!

Biko, marry who you will, no be us go dey cry for night

brownsugar007: this got me really mad and i struggled the phone with him and i insulted him in the process and he reported me to his pastor.i used to opportunity to air my view about everytin .

Why do I have a feeling that you went and aired ALL his dirty laundry in front of his pastor?
Did you just talk about this 'girl' or did you expose all his other lil secrets to his pastor?

If you went ahead to expose all his other secrets cuz you were hurt, then you probably got what you deserved! (this is option A)

If you only complained about the girl in question, then your hubby-to-be went too far. (this is option B)

So, if you go with option A, you need to apologise, if you go with option B, you need to wait until he comes to apologise. (Taking him back would depend on you & how genuine his apology seems- I would take him back if I were you sha)

To all NLders who say you should not apologise & say you should break-up, what should the OP do if her guy comes to beg her? We shouldn't rule out that option.

If you finally decide that you are better off without him, 'what will people say?' should not be a criteria. Just let him go, its better a broken engagement, than a broken marriage.

@OP, God knows my advise to you is the same one I'll give my daughter if we notice such even a day to her wedding. Now that he hasn't married you, he's supposed to be all over you but apparently he's not. D biggest mistake you'll make now is to think he'll change after marriage.NO HE WON'T. Quote me it'll only get worse. But last last, it's your decision to make. If u can cope wt his cheating ass, go ahead and apologise, but personally I don't advise anyone to marry a Man U know upfront that he's a cheat. As per your parents, tell them,they can actually call the guy and apologise to him on your behalf. Make it seem like your parents are rebuking your disrespectful behavior towards him. That wld help his ego.I've seen that work too. I think your biggest fear is not even your parents but friends you might have showed off for in one way or the other but guess what. Those friends will still make mockery of you if you marry him and you're not happy. GOODLUCK

Hmmm, OP...apologize and continue your wedding. Your parents will be very happy, you hear
You will be the one crying every night while he is riggimarolling with her, u hear
You will answer mrs after all it's what u waiting for...

At last, you are aged...wrinkles every where, you look back and see that you spent all your life unhappy .

Someone who doesn't respect you it's not worth it.

I don't think this guy is ready for marriage. Why did he propose to you?

@ OP I doubt if this guy is genuine. Maybe he is being pushed to get married. It seems He has nothing to lose if this marriage didnot hold. My advice is to tell your mum about this new development. See how it plays out.You can postpone the wedding for now. If eventually you guys make up,fix a new date. My own xp,A week to my trad i found some filthy chats btw my fiance and some babes. I was mad. Well He begged even on his knees,unfriended the girls and even reported himself to his mum and elder sis to plead. It took some courage for me to still go on with the marriage. Dont know what is wrong with these guys.

I like what Amhappy said. I think the wedding should be postponed till you guys can settle and by settle i mean know what you guys want. If its something you guys can fix, go ahead but if not, just run and do not look back. The same people that will talk now that you want to break the engagement is the same that will talk if you guys start having issues and God forbid, get divorced.

Bottom-line is that i do not think this is the best time to get married especially with all these insults flying around. I have noticed that during the run-up to a wedding, that disagreements are more heated than normal and they come up more frequently.

Perhaps if you should lose your N2MILLION life going mad with BEING HARD AND UNREASONABLE with yourself. . . your parents will congratulate you in your grave. Your kind of mindset and 'what will they say' mentality is the chief reason THE BLACK RACE WILL CONTINUE TO RETROGRESS INTO THE PREHISTORIC DARK AGES!

I only have pity for your ignorance. I will spare you by not adding stoopidity to the equation.

BTW. . . Happy Thanksgiving to my AMERICAN FAMILIES. . . . I prefer Eba and Okro soup to TURKEY AND DRESSING this year. . . AMEN!!!!

Lerrie John:

My dear brown sugar please do not listen to all those saying you should break up, unless that is really what you want and you are not confused after all. That said, getting married is not an easy thing. Marriages are made in heaven and them haters aren't happy so lots of temptations will definitely come your way even right up to your wedding day. My advise to you ( if you are I love with this man n want to be his wife) is to call your fiancé and apologise for grabbing his phone and insulting him ( you were wrong to do that, no matter how upset u must have been) after which tell him you would like to talk to him. ( here you need enough maturity, no insulting nor tantrums) tell him you are not happy that this girl calls often and it makes you feel unhappy or hurt or whatever it is you are feeling. In your post you said the girl wrote you took her man but you never said anything about what your fiancé's response was. It is possible it's the girl calling your fiancé and he's probably not interested. As for your fiancé saying he doesn't wanna marry anymore, a guy will say anything when he' s stressed or in this case when his ego is bruised, so don't take his hurtful words to heart. Just try and clear things between yourself and your man before thinking of calling your wedding off.
Lots of luck gal!

I do not interfere with people's opinion because I believe everybody is entitled to his/her opinion but I take exception to the rule when it comes to a general statement.

I stand to disagree that a guy will say anything when he is stressed. I would rather put it this way that a boy and an immature guy will say anything when he is stressed. A male who cannot tame his anger and control his emotions in the heat of an argument is not fit to marry and not fit to be called head of a home because there will be many opportunities in the future to be angry. Will he then keep saying anything everytime he is stressed? How will such a home be in peace, how will the wife feel everytime he says anything and keep claiming he doesn't mean it.... Out of the abundance of heart, the mouth speaks...

Whatever a man says when he is angry has been planned but had no way of coming out. Anger is just an opportunity to let it out. Anger is equivalent to alcohol, a drunken person will reveal all the hidden secrets in his heart during his state of stupor.

The guy painted in this scenario is not yet ripe for marriage including the OP. They both lack anger and conflict management. Even if they will marry, I will advise that they postpone their wedding for them to train and educate themselves on anger and conflict management.

@ OP,

I didn't read people's comments before commenting...but let me tell you a story about myself though they are two different issues.

I got pregnant last year October, due date was July. before i put to bed, my husband and i even our mums, friends from home, my office etc bought a lot of things for the baby, bed, clothes, wardrobe, walker from UK name it...we bought things that we believe will make the baby very comfortable. but when i put to bed, the baby died...so what happens to all that we bought, all the preparations we made..all the amounts of money and time we dedicated to the arrival of the baby...the pains i went thru being pregnant and hoping to carry my baby in my hands...not to talk of the psychological effects it had on my hussy, mum, mum in law, sis-in-law, my siblings etc

Do you know what, we still believe that we will still have our baby one day and we did was to keep all the things we bought for this baby for the next baby(ies) that will come.

What am i saying? keep these things you bought and the ones that cannot be kept you can dash them out. don't be scared to inform your parents...just as you said, you are worth more than 2 million...your happiness is worth more than 2 million, your health is worth more than that....there is a reason why this happened....

Please count yourself lucky that this happened now....what if it happened after your wedding....

^^Sorry for your lose. I just imagine what you guys are going through

@brownsugar007. I will try to be objective and straight, kindly excuse me.

You provoked the disagreement by snatching his phone, insulting and abusing him. Especially since you knew the other lady is hurting and desperately trying to get him back. You simply compounded the worry for him, took him to his breaking point at a critical stage of your relationship and there, you have the outcome.

He depicts a man who is not ready for marriage, he acted like he is not matured enough to manage a lady like you. I think your level of maturity is also low but the guy would be able to manage and compliment you if he could be more matured. Men naturally have a big ego which can destroy us if it is not checked and subdued, he is showing no resolve to subdue his ego and he is sustaining anger that should be avoided or extinguished after the outburst, especially considering the marriage at hand.

You can't force a carmel to drink water even when you force it to the stream. Marriage should be a decision we take willingly, conscious of the imperfections of both parties yet with a resolve to compliment each other and build a better person in the other. If he wants out, let him go but let him have your sincere apology for your misconduct, inform him you still love him and want the marriage, tell him you will endeavor to be better person and behaved. But don't beg him to marry you, indicate that you will respect his decision to quit the proposed marriage if he decides so.

However, this may be a blessing in disguise for the both of you. Work on your character and never stop trying to be a better person.