This thread is an offshoot from a post I made on another thread.
Some of the write ups will be my posts from a similar thread I had on another forum a few years ago
I don't pride myself to be a relationship expert neither am I in a perfect marriage but I have learned and grown in marriage and hope to share some of what I have gathered along the way for the younger women ( and men) reading .
I have made my share of mistakes,boy have I made mistakes
I have also learned from the mistakes of others.

No, you are not going to hear any gory details so I hope you're not disappointed.
Obviously I love family and all that comes with it i.e. marriage,romance,kids etc.
Somebody wise said good marriage don't just happen,they are meticulously built and I believe it.
We come into marriage as we are but we have to do some necessary changes to remain in it and actually enjoy it
Sometimes some old relationships prior to marriage may have to end or at least be modified to accommodate the new status of being married.
That's the rule of marriage.
Not an easy rule to keep as any married person would tell you but a necessary one if one wants a happy home.

Searching for a mate

I didn't know whether to sub title this searching for a mate or waiting for a mate to find you since in our African culture,a woman doesn't usually do the hunting.
It is considered cheap for a woman to walk up to a man she fancies to make it known.
I know times have changed but I'm old school.
I belong to the school of thought that says a man does the chasing and that's how it ought to be (IMHO).

A young woman with several prospective suitors,how does one know the Mr Right?
I believe one should think long term and compatibility is the key.

How do you feel when you're with him?
Does he listen to you and pay you attention?
what are his goals in marriage?
Work ethics and career?
are you on the same page when it comes to faith and outlook to life?
Can he provide?
Are you compatible intellectually?
Does he make you smile?
Are you proud to be seen by his side and to introduce him to friends and family without wishing you could change just one thing about his looks?
Are you attracted to him sexually?

There is nothing as miserable as being married to someone you feel lacks some physical attributes you desire and secretly wishing that he had it.
Oh if only he were taller or more muscular blah blah blah
That is a sure sign that this marriage may not work and some point you may build a lot of resentment
Move on,don't even start if you have those questions nagging.

Physical attributes are well and good.
One must be physically attracted to a mate or you'll be somewhat ashamed of him and it'll show.
But there is more to a man than his looks.
I'll pick an accomplished,respected and respectable man of good character any day over an airhead with GQ looks.

A pretty neighbour while I was growing up had suitors falling over themselves on her behalf dismissed some of them for driving volkswagen.
Others were turned down because she wanted them much taller since she was petite.
I still remember the stories and even as a kid I thought those were such flimsy excuses to turn down guys.
She was a church lady BTW.
This lady later confessed that she messed up when the men ceased coming.
She later married in her late 30's which is considered old in Nigeria but not after much prayer and fasting.This was her testimony.

The book of proverbs chapter 23
31 Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it swirls around smoothly;
32 At the last it bites like a serpent,
And stings like a viper.

In summary the Englishman would say " all that glitters is not gold"

I remember as a young girl wanting to meet those dark tall and handsome men we read about on the pages of Mills and Boon.
But as I grew older I found out true love was much deeper than that.
I love dark, tall slim men.
I always did but that quality was no where on the top of my list when it came to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Every girl with a father she adores wants a man just like her father.
He was her role model and perfect image of what a man should be
I wanted to marry a man just like dad.
Daddy was and still is a hardworker, meticulous planner,extremely resourceful and loved his children.
I remember the day I spoke with mother about the man I met who was everything I needed in a husband,who had asked me to marry him .
I ended by telling mom that he was just like dad.
My mom was so happy for me because she saw the joy,the glow and excitement in her little girl like never before.
Her responses made me glad and her last statement is what I'll never forget.
Mommy called me Ada (which means daughter in Igbo),if he's just like your dad, she said,then you are about to marry a good kindhearted man but I hope you also have the heart of your mother because your dad can be tough.
Most men are tough she continued but you'll have to be wise.
It takes loads of love to marry a man but it takes a lots of commonsense to keep him.
Many many years later that conversation we had in our palour into the wee hours of the morning still ring in my ears.
It takes commonsense to be in a good marriage.
I couldn't agree more Nne m oma (my dear mom)

Shine your eyes

People cannot pretend for too long no matter how much they try.
Unless there was no period of courtship(In which case the marriage is a volcano waiting to erupt) everything that's going to be a headache and a source of frustration in every marriage shows up during the dating and courtship period and any intelligent observer will see it.

I can say unequivocally that there is nothing I see today in my hubby after so many years that I didn't see while we dated.

The problem sometimes is that we are blinded by love and the excitement of being loved and we overlook somethings then later attribute it to the other person changing.
It's not change for the most part
You just refused to acknowledge it or you filed it in your brain as one of the things you will change in the other person.
Bad bad mistake
You may go crazy trying to change someone
Nobody can change anybody and most people will resist being changed with every fiber in their being.
We want to be ourselves and change or adapt to changes by ourselves.
That is pure human nature.
Anything you see in a future spouse and you know you cannot live with it in marriage,it may be time to call off that relationship.
Don't lie to yourself
We all have our faults,our weaknesses and even for those who consciously seek to change something in themselves for the sake of their spouses,there'll be ocassional moments of weakness and those moments may be long.
How will you handle that?
With love and understanding or with finger pointing and nagging reminders of the weaknesses?
Marriage is commonsense as mother says.
It is not for the feeble hearted

Why do marriages break down and people grow apart

I believe it depends on the age of the marriage

In a young marriage with a woman in her 20's and a man in her 30's as is most Nigerian early marriages,the number one killer is financial problems.
Everything else revolves around it.
Most times couples tell people what they want the people to hear when they have problems but in the first few years,this is the commonest cause of marital problems.
The couple is young, perhaps one or both are in school ,earned income is very limited,bills are enormous,family back home are calling with their problems,the number of kids are increasing,frustration often sets in.
The man may feel inadequate and the thought of not catering for all the needs of his family makes him feel diminished.
He develops a short fuse and lashes out often.
In families where the woman is the main breadwinner the situation is even worse.
Men want to be in control and here he feels he's not.
The other big killer is extended family,the inlaws and outlaws.

Everything that has a beginning must surely have an end.
Things change,people do graduate and move to better jobs but any animosity or words spoken during these trying times can last a long time.
Again it takes a lot of commonsense to stay married and be happy in marriage.

Words are powerful.
They do cut like a knife and the effect can be just as devastating as physical blows.
A wise man/woman chooses his/her words very very carefully.
You can't unbreak an egg.

The worst mistake anyone can make is comparing one's spouse with another.
You never know what Mr Obi and his wife are going through,you may give thanks if you knew.Everyone has a cross to carry.
Don't make comparisons.


In older marriages,Years of hurtful spoken words ,not caring and being numbed to the feelings of the other person as a protective mechanism for oneself finally has taken it's toll.
Some may get a divorce while others just stay in the marriage and "manage themselves" for the sake of the kids and what people will say.
What a miserable way to live!
That peson you loved and was crazy about is still there somewhere but you both hurt and no one wants to admit it.
Nobody wants to be wrong.
Nobody wants to be vulnerable

But love should make us vulnerable
There is no shame in love
If I cannot say "I'm sorry" as many times as it takes to appease my spouse when I wrong him then I've chosen to be unhappy.
Tough thing to do isn't it?
I still struggle with that everyday
You cannot be a happy man when your wife is unhappy.
It is impossible
and vice versa.

There comes a time when we must choose happiness over being right.
You can be right and very very unhappy and it takes a kind word to wipe away any hurts.
Even the book of proverbs had this to say
The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.

Following and learning,Thanks

@baby mama...pls can we quickly rush to the Sex part.I heard men get hornier as they get older,where as in women the reverse is the case.

How do married couples handle this because its not easy being a mum and a wife o.

carmelion: @baby mama...pls can we quickly rush to the Sex part.I heard men get hornier as they get older,where as in women the reverse is the case.

How do married couples handle this because its not easy being a mum and a wife o.

LOL, Abeg relax let her take it slow and steady. There is a lot more to marriage than sex. Ride on baby mama.

teeo:

LOL, Abeg relax let her take it slow and steady. There is a lot more to marriage than sex. Ride on baby mama.

My dear,am taliking about the one. That scares me the most na

I must have a seperate room with big padlock so that any day the reverse is the case,I will go there and hide(joking)

Ok,let's take it one at a time.buti will be glad if we get there.Oya ride on

Wow! I'm glad I didn't decide to stay away because of your moniker. LOL. This was supremely educative. I love particularly:

baby mama: But love should make us vulnerable
There is no shame in love
If I cannot say "I'm sorry" as many times as it takes to appease my spouse when I wrong him then I've chosen to be unhappy.
Tough thing to do isn't it?
I still struggle with that everyday
You cannot be a happy man when your wife is unhappy.
It is impossible
and vice versa.

The bolded is just epic!

Very intelligent write up right here! Me likey.
Please continue mbok.

Subscribing.... I love every part. Educative and Instructive.

Thanks for all your comments
Carmelion I will get to the sex part shortly,let's build some foundation first

Saying I'm sorry

"I am sorry baby" is a phrase we all must know and use extravagantly.
It will save you months or even years of heartaches and bitterness or even a divorce.
When a spouse is hurt by your words and actions, trying to justify your position makes absolutely no sense.
The bottom line is that your spouse hurts from it and regardless of your intentions,the feeling of the other person takes pre-eminence here.

Regardless of who did what to whom,the outcome of a deep seated hurt in marriage is always the same,a deep gully is created where there was once just a small gutter and it gets wider and wider and every additional hurt or innocent expressions take on new meanings.The resentment builds and everyone suffers.
It's definitely not worth it.
and the manifestation in most marriages is the same

1.The man buries himself in his career and works himself to death and limits his time at home.
2.The woman feels neglected and unloved and resents him even more and more.

That energy could be utilized in building rather than tearing each other down.

Saying you're sorry can wipe away a lot of tears and bring back the spouse you loved and cherished.
I don't say it like it's an easy thing to do ,it's not easy but it sure works

Dealing with inlaws

If I wrote everything I have known and learnt over the years,this site may crash but I'll keep it simple with tips on what works.
Women,let me say this first off,you can never ever win fighting your mother in law MIL.
You will always lose.
I am speaking from experience
Badmouthing your MIL to your husband is like stabbing the woman who bore him and gave him suckle right there infront of him.
No man with blood in his veins will take kindly to that.
No matter how bad she seems or you think she is,she is still his mother and he loves her and will not disown her because of you.
Save yourself the headaches and bouts of explosive diarrhoea and love the woman.
Bite your tongue if you have to.
Kill her with love even if for your husband's sake.

Understand that she's from a different generation and her ideas and interpretations are very different from yours.
If she had a polygamous marriage herself,cut her some slacks
If her husband abandoned her, cut her some more slacks
If she's illiterate,some more slacks.
If your husband happens to be the first son,only son or only child,try to be a little more understanding
Be a good reader of moods and be ready always to douse any tensions.

Having said all that ,there are some MIL's that are trouble makers and are bent on running a wife out of her home because she has an idea of a perfect wife for her dear son and it's not you.
These ones don't respond to love of any kind.
This is where the man must stand up and be a man because his mother has overstepped her bounds and he knows it.
He knows his mother and her capabilities way before he met you so an honest ,loving husband should not expect his wife to 'quench' trying to please an impossible mama.
Never confront mama, let your husband do the confrontation and make her leave if need be for everyone's sanity.
Anything you say in these instances will always be misinterpreted,so say very little if anything at all.

Some families actually do institute rules about inlaws not moving in permanently.
I wholeheartedly agree with that.
Anyone can visit but return promptly to their respective homes so it's clear who the madam of the house is and everyone else including your mom and his are guests.guests with a valid retun ticket to their homes.

dealing with childlessness

Sadly not all couples are blessed with children when they want them.Some may have to wait years and sometimes it could cause a lot of tension.
Women somehow at the back of their minds feel their positions in marriage are more secure when they have children, especially a male child in our African culture.

Sadly also many of our men succumb to the pressure most of the time to look elsewhere for an "heir".Even those that started off sticking by their wives,down the road cave in to soceital pressure from family (Usually) to have children to carry on the family name and I have friends and relatives that have been those wives and I have shared in their pain.

Having seen this sort of thing one too often,I'll advise any married woman who wants to conceive and hasn't to consider adoptions after some years.
IMHO it is not faithlessness.Thare are women who have adopted and then went on to have their own children.Some attribute it to a decrease in the stress level after having an adoped child making it easier to conceive.
If I were in that situation,that's what I would I would do.
Adopted children are just as precious as one's biological children.

The other reason I would advise on adoption is from some hard experiences some friends and family members have suffered.
Some from hard core born again Christians at the time of marriage.
I have seen women spend 10-15 years with a man praying and believing God for a child and one day he literally wakes up and marries a second wife or keeps a lover for child bearing purposes.
This happened to a dear friend of mine married to a pastor,the only son of his parents
He finally succumbed to pressure
The pain is unimaginable and I feel it wouldn't hurt as much if she had adopted kids of her own.
In that case, her time and energy would be spent spent loving and taking care of her kids rather than mourning the loss of a philandering spouse and spending her energy trying to win him back from the other woman.
This is just my opinion again.
But who knows
I could be wrong.

1.The man buries himself in his career and works himself to death and limits his time at home.
2.The woman feels neglected and unloved and resents him even more and more.

I always feel I would fail in this aspect, am not married but I am always focused on my job and career. Nice pointers you gave there. Following closely

Wonderful baby mama!
Me likey so much

Especially that inlaw stuff.
Bottom line; treat ur inlaws as ur own biological family.

chaircover:

Good stuff baby mama and I hope you dont mind me posting on it

Teeo, this one is a vicious ciirle and many couples find themselves in it. The man works hard to provide for his family, but the woman feels neglected and resentful and shows it, the man responds to the negativity by even spending longer hours at work and running away from home and the cycle continues

Thanks CC, am in a relationship that should hopefully lead to marriage but I find myself focusing more on how to be better and not necessarily with her. I love working and I know I would definitely put more energy to work but these pointers should help me.

Marriage is no play I swear

Nice thread! Keep it up

Baby mama: dealing with childlessness

Sadly not all couples are blessed with children when they want them.Some may have to wait years and sometimes it could cause a lot of tension.
Women somehow at the back of their minds feel their positions in marriage are more secure when they have children, especially a male child in our African culture.

Sadly also many of our men succumb to the pressure most of the time to look elsewhere for an "heir".Even those that started off sticking by their wives,down the road cave in to soceital pressure from family (Usually) to have children to carry on the family name and I have friends and relatives that have been those wives and I have shared in their pain.

Having seen this sort of thing one too often,I'll advise any married woman who wants to conceive and hasn't to consider adoptions after some years.
IMHO it is not faithlessness.Thare are women who have adopted and then went on to have their own children.Some attribute it to a decrease in the stress level after having an adoped child making it easier to conceive.
If I were in that situation,that's what I would I would do.
Adopted children are just as precious as one's biological children.

The other reason I would advise on adoption is from some hard experiences some friends and family members have suffered.
Some from hard core born again Christians at the time of marriage.
I have seen women spend 10-15 years with a man praying and believing God for a child and one day he literally wakes up and marries a second wife or keeps a lover for child bearing purposes.
This happened to a dear friend of mine married to a pastor,the only son of his parents
He finally succumbed to pressure
The pain is unimaginable and I feel it wouldn't hurt as much if she had adopted kids of her own.
In that case, her time and energy would be spent spent loving and taking care of her kids rather than mourning the loss of a philandering spouse and spending her energy trying to win him back from the other woman.
This is just my opinion again.
But who knows
I could be wrong.

You couldn't have said it any better

Nice write up baby mama. Learning from every bit of your post.
The only thing i'm not happy with in my marriage is the saying sorry aspect.
If i'm wrong or right, I just have to do the begging. Since I got married (for six years now) my hubby has only said sorry twice. He's always right while i'm always wrong. There are times when I just say to myself after a misunderstanding that i'm not going to apologise because i'm not wrong but i'll just see that I can't continue being sad and just decide to go apologise. But the funniest thing is after we make up, i'll forget that he has ever wronged me. My hubby has got so much pride. Hmmm.

I sure am glad that I'm on this thread. Thanks, Madam CC for that piece.

This one na project o!
Anyway, my own little addition.
1. Making love: I read somewhere someone was saying she can't make love with her husband except when she is tipsy. If your problem don reach that side, you guys berra buy lots of p orn . watch together make I see whether una no go turn the house upside down that day.

2. Raising family: not everyone gets it right. After all these lectures, some people will still find themselves in a large hole, what do you do? Don't stay in marriage because of the kids when your life is in danger. Separate and make sure the kids see their father/mother from time to time. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured. Maybe the separation might later show you guys how much you miss yourselves and willingly to adjust. Maybe it might lead to divorce. You did your best, time to move one. Life is precious to be living all through enduring. Abi your name na endurance?

Phew!

interesting read and nice contributions. may our homes continue to prosper!

Aunty CC, thanks so much. Will always try not to make it an issue again. God bless you.

Baby mama ride on, U R doin a great job der.

am really followin this tread with all deligence n patience.

Chillisauce: This one na project o!
Anyway, my own little addition.
1. Making love: I read somewhere someone was saying she can't make love with her husband except when she is tipsy.

She must be married to a hooded man. You gotta be drunk to block your eyes from seeing the ring worm

As for MIL palava. When you meet a nice man who treats you like a princeless just know one thing, he was born and raised by a queen. That queen is his mother and she holds a special place in his heart. Look for that place in his heart and pitch a tent there.

My mother spoilt her MIL and I grew up following in her footsteps. My MIL would visit in my younger years and the first person she would hug was my mum before her own son. That's what I pray for my kids

Waoh!!!!! Is all I can say. I'm learning.