Dyekatana: hi everyone, been away for a while and i have missed you guys .... but i am back now and following the thread. happy new year to all you nice guys. and no i have not fallen off the wagon. not spoken to you know who ... while i've been away, been following y'alls advice and working on cactus man.. work in progress... there should be a sign in my house saying "MEN @ WORK" . no..."WOMAN @ WORK"
@ damiso, i read all what you wrote and i am touched.....really... by your story and you know cactus man has a kinda similar background but i am not .. i mean whenever my dad came home from work when i was a kid he greeted his kids with a kiss, gave us all valentine cards on valentines' day...... the whole shebang.. and i don't get it when someone is kinda cold.

but enough of old story jare

i had fun this new year and been having fun hope y'all are having fun too.

group hug and kisses

I love you for being strong and not giving the enemy a chance .
I pray you get the result you are looking for.
Don't give up
If you feel overwhelmed or tempted to contact the Facebook guy,just come here and draw strength
It is my desire that your relationship with your husband grows stronger
Stop calling him cactus man though.our words are creative.create what you want
Faith calls the things that are not as though they were

Babymama, don't let this thread die off again.

Pls come back and rejuvenate it. It's been given a second chance.

Sad how it got mutilated

Babymama1: Sad how it got mutilated

True, but it can be brought back on track.

Oya do your thing girl...we're closely behind you in support.

Efemenaxy1
Hohohoho
So they mutilated your name too

Babymama1: Efemenaxy1
Hohohoho
So they mutilated your name too

That is eh...I feel violated.

Efemenaxy1:

That is eh...I feel violated.

Lol
Na so we see am o
How the family dem dey sha?

Babymama1:

Lol
Na so we see am o
How the family dem dey sha?

We're all good sis.

You and yours?

Efemenaxy1:

We're all good sis.

You and yours?

We dey too
Little time offs here and there to spend some time with them for the Summer
We are planning a family reunion and hoping it all works out
All my siblings,their kids and mine and our spouses and my parents hoping to be under same roof for the first time in many years with no one missing
I hope it works out that everyone can make it
We need to take a family picture with everyone in it as a memorial

Babymama1:

We dey too
Little time offs here and there to spend some time with them for the Summer
We are planning a family reunion and hoping it all works out
All my siblings,their kids and mine and our spouses and my parents hoping to be under same roof for the first time in many years with no one missing
I hope it works out that everyone can make it
We need to take a family picture with everyone in it as a memorial

Whoa! Sounds like a big family do. The kids will definitely enjoy it, while the parents get to catch up with each other. Sort of reminds me when we all travelled back home from the four corners of the earth for my sister's wedding in Naija. It was such a lovely, lovely, experience (sigh).

But tell me something though...who's going to do all that cooking? (and cleaning)?

Efemenaxy1:

Whoa! Sounds like a big family do. The kids will definitely enjoy it, while the parents get to catch up with each other. Sort of reminds me when we all travelled back home from the four corners of the earth for my sister's wedding in Naija. It was such a lovely, lovely, experience (sigh).

But tell me something though...who's going to do all that cooking? (and cleaning)?

Hehehehe
the married wives I guess lol

That's what i heard is reigning in that part of the country now
I have heard four live people talking about family reunion they are going to from Tenn to Alabama, Texas etc
Una don South black americanized...lovely.
I heard it used to be the Big thing for Black Americans but not sure now.

Babymama1:
We dey too
Little time offs here and there to spend some time with them for the Summer
We are planning a family reunion and hoping it all works out
All my siblings,their kids and mine and our spouses and my parents hoping to be under same roof for the first time in many years with no one missing
I hope it works out that everyone can make it
We need to take a family picture with everyone in it as a memorial

jennykadry: Why are some of yous against women who have decided to remain virgins until after marriage?

Nobody is against them,JK. Those who are determined to be virgins should attract virgins or those who are happy to wait till the 'I do' feast.

For an adult male,sex is a need. That he asks for it does not mean he doesn't love her. In the adult world,sex with consent is a highlight of a sincere and serious relationship.

Just saying the fellow who gave that advice is chanting a theory that works for a tiny few.

Babymama1: Keeping yourself for your spouse only

I will talk from a woman's perspective and let the men speak for themselves.
There is no neon sign on a woman that tells men around to keep off just because she is married
Married women are still being chased by men
How does a woman keep herself from falling ?
My best friend says she loves black men because when they admire you,you know,they show it even without speaking a word.
I am certain there is no married woman on this thread who isn't being chased by men out there from time to time
Whatever your husband saw and fell for you,is still visible to other men
Could be your physical appearance,the way you carry yourself,your warmth,inner beauty,your confidence.

I was coming out of the grocery store last week and was looking around for my car when A deep baritone voice to my left said " you don't remember where you parked do you"?
I looked up and smiled and said yes,he proceeded to introduce himself and paid me a compliment he says " what an attractive woman you are"
I said well thank you
He says,do you belong to somebody
I said married,x years,he said well what a lucky man
I said,he must be
Take care then he says and we part ways

I respected him for backing off to respect his fellow man,others are not that easy

Another day I had met another man at a clothing store and his line was,are you married,I said yes, then he asked are you happy?
I said yes,very happy
He followed me around a while then disappeared

The worst I ever had was a man I met at the bank at my lunch time
He will not stop staring at me
He finished his business and waited for me to be done
While I walked out he followed me ,introduced himself,I said my first name,he continued walking with me and said his intent
I told him I was married and not interested
He told me he was married too
That we could have lunch since we both worked in the area,he was in suit so I guessed he worked in one of the businesses around there
Just innocent lunch he said
I said no thanks,he kept following me
I didn't want him to know where I worked so I became uncomfortable
I said " nice meeting you", he finally got the message and backed off


I told these stories to say that married women still get propositioned every single time,including old layers like myself
You have to wade them off
The husband therefore should give his wife everything she wants at home
Not just the SE.x, the emotional part especially because if you don't,believe me there are men out there to fill in those blank spaces
And women have that need to be fulfilled emotionally

Of course,such attractions and distractions are more for the man as he becomes more successful and ages with more resources.

It is about both parties realizing that fidelity is a core credo of their union and nothing that suggests it should be attempted or tolerated.

Love in the nuptial context is about making a choice and working hard to find a permanent fulfilment in it.

Yes,a couple must do all that is needed to keep each other fulfilled and filled!

Babymama1: Keeping friends of the opposite sex

Many men are very uncomfortable with this,I know mine was and I can't say he is too thrilled about it now but I know he trusts my judgements.
men think it's too dangerous and I have actually heard men say that a man cannot be friends with a woman without wanting something from her.
I believe it is possible to have male friends with no strings attached but if your spouse is uncomfortable with it,it would be wise to curtail the communication.
It's hard for me to say cut it off completely because I value friendship and I have good male friends
Don't talk with them daily or even monthly but just people that will call and say hi once in a while ,how have u been doing,longest time
Infact the first time my husband invited me over to his house,I had told a dearest friend of mine a guy about it and he warned me not to go
He said,"you and I know what he wants ,don't put yourself in that position"
He was watching out for me as his Christian sister
I promised him I wouldn't go
I lied
Many years later we spoke and he got to know I married the man he warned me about


What are your opinion people about having friends of the opposite sex , ladies and gents?

The truth is the psychology of the average man will always seek to convert friendship into what accommodates lust at one point or the other.100 percent of the men that I know will hate their women befriending men not out of distrust but for the truism that friendship will always be a vehicle for the man or men the woman relates with to desire her in an unplatonic sense even if unconfessed or not expressed.

We are men,and we know what our average friends and brothers are like. There sure are exceptions as there are to all things in life,yet that will be a very very tiny minority that are lost in the millions of us.

Women will always defend the innocence of such friendships as expected. Some will say "he has never shown me that he desires me" and all that thrash. Well,that he hasn't for years doesn't mean he is not interested. He may have lost his voice to uncertainty of your response or the circumstances have disallowed him. Try all your male friends and verify the truth of this truism.

By the way,some men will come here to react to this contribution as a generalization. Yet,if you know them personally,try to test the 'innocent friendship with a male' idea with their own girlfriends and you will see how they truly her.

A funny illustration of the desires of our 'innocent male' friends is this: babes,have you not noticed that your 'innocent male' friends always get uncomfortable when you are beginning a relationship with another man?lol

Outside my sisters and brothers' babes,I do not relate with people's girlfriends and wives. Because I know the consequences for their men.

Yes,no man likes his woman to have 'innocent male' friends!

PocketEconomist: A man without a definite plan for the future is not ready for marriage, if you ask him this question, and he is stammering incoherent words, that's a red flag. A man who does not put your needs and opinions into consideration? That's another sign that he is selfish. Watch out! If your man is too possessive, always wanting to know your every move and whereabouts, that's another red flag. Abeg make una no crucify me o! This is not absolute, Na my opinion as a mam o! I've bled enough on this thread.

What were you thinking on that point of being possessive and wanting to know her movement? So wrong on many grounds!

You mean if I am checking on my babe to know where she is,what she is doing,how far she will be away and all of those I am being possessive? In the world of reasonable adults we call it care and responsible 'sentrying'-protection. So you leave your babe to do what she likes,go wherever she wants and stay wherever she wants even when she may not be safe,fine or even alive?

My woman calls to check on me every now and then to be sure I am fine.This could manifest in wanting to know where I am,what I am doing and all those. That is not a red flag except in the eyes of idealistic teenagers.

And,by the way,your recital of that litany of your cousin's oddities on here is wrong and so unnecessary. It is their life,if your love your cousin and care that much,share your thoughts,concerns and ideas for a better and progressive life with them.

this is so educative, am so following cos I luv it, kip it coming @babymama1

Saraha1: "Marry for compatibility and not love,love withers" hahaha wetin you talk? I want to marry for love oh.

You fall in love and marry,but it takes more than love to stay married. It takes more than love to endure the trials of marriage in order to enjoy its triumphs!

PocketEconomist: Just a question on this test driving stuff, so after the test drive maybe once or twice, and you were not impressed that much, what next? If you dump her based on that grounds alone, does that show true love? How about working it out?

One fundamental need of a man is sex.It is in his essence and God-given;for a woman it is affection-it can take several forms.Yes,you lose a man without sex or a capacity to assure his enjoyment of it.

Every other thing na grammar.

coogar:

when a car is being test-driven & the stick is stiff - you quickly ask for a replacement.

I agree totally with you. Of course,at times if you really love it and what it needs is a slight repair,you can do that and keep it.

jennykadry: @Ihedinobi

You have proved yourself over the months so your intelligent posts do not surprise me. I have been following this thread but mostly as a guest and I tell ya, Coogar and Dayo's posts scared the hell out of me and I will tell you why...I was more scared for my daughters than I was for myself. I was seriously asking myself, will they find husbands to marry them if they decide no test driving before marriage? with many men on this forum rooting for testing driving, how many will be left for my children? Even my hubby does not even want to hear about test driving when it comes to his kids cos I have raised this topic up at home many times and he refuses to even "think" about it let alone talk about his daughters having sex before marriage ....his words were he would castrate any man that looked at his daughters and men are only allowed to look at them when they turn 25 .

I as a mother will push for abstinence till thy kingdom come, I don't want my daughters having sex before marriage. My mother used to tell us a story which we all thought was a lie until the second girl in the house was getting married and we met the woman behind the story for the first time.Her husband is a canadian/Nigerian, came back to Nigeria and met his wife in PH, they dated for a while before he proposed. He was in Nigeria for over 7 months before he travelled back. Sorted himself out in canada and decided to relocate to nigeria...They dated for about a year before he proposed. His wife was a not for test driving woman and he had experienced the pleasurable power of a nice kpekus many times. They got married and fast forward to a few years after marriage no child. This man's family showed her hell, from his sisters claiming they know someone that knows somebody that knows another somebody that confirmed that she was a runs girl in Uni PH. His own mother (he is an only son) was against the marriage from the start and had another girl she wanted him to marry before the guy met his wife..infact the guy was supposed to travel from PH to owerri to see the girl his mother "suggested" to him before he met his wife that week.

My mum said the man came to the house one day in tears and told them that his family was driving him crazy, they were telling him to choose between his mum and his wife, he is an only son and could not afford to forget his mother. My big mouthed mum asked him if he believed all they told him about his wife and he told her nope, how could his wife had done all that they are accusing her of when he was the first man that ever knew his wife... . The man decided that he was returning to canada with his wife and made all the arrangements without his own family knowing about it, they travelled to canada and after a week he called his family and broke the news of their departure to them .It took this woman 9 solid years after her wedding to conceive.

When my mum used to tell us the story we all thought it was made up because that woman will say anything to make you see reasons with her when it comes to abstinence..but when the second girl in my house was getting married, this woman travelled down to Nigeria from Canada and attended both the traditional and white wedding

I am sorry post is quite long, I haven't typed this long epistles in forever...but I had to share this

Some men will be happy with 'no test driving' if they truly want to marry your daughters-of course,some in this group will be having it elsewhere while waiting for the 'I do' feast. But most men will settle for test driving.

By the way,99 percent of adult men even the so-called born again ones will ask for sex and begin acting up if denied.

Yes,for the adult male sex is a need. Check what completed Adam at creation. Read up Myles Munroe's The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage,The purpose and Power of the Men. He has some beautiful theology of sex as a need for the adult male.

byvan: People like Coogar is why I pleaded with God to deny me a daughter.

Did you marry a virgin? Coogar is just being practical in ways that most ladies need to listen to him and learn even if they don't share in his philosophy of pleasure.

Women love lies a lot and,unfortunately,most men will not express their candid beliefs on here. But I tell you that Coogar represents the majority,not the minority he appears to be in thy eyes.

coogar:

his wife's refusal to fix her frigidity isn't going to solve the problems as well. how long can a man wait for before enjoying his marriage. he waited before marriage & he is being made to wait after his marriage?



men are not wired like women when it comes to sex. he's a married man for heaven's sake & he's still sëxually frustrated. how long should he wait for? he's exhausted with being made to look like a sex maniac.




that's a risk he will have to live with. big rewards come with big risks.



he is getting sex without having to ask for it all the time. the sëx keeps him safe. it means less argument in the house with his wife. he's less stressed & more focused. he can sleep easy at night without having to upset his wife with sex demands.



thank you!



for better for worse does not cover sex. sex is his conjugal rights. he's being denied his rights if the wife is too frigid. he has 2 options, leave the wife or seek sex outside the marriage. the latter is the easier route. if he leaves the wife the romantics would quickly bring out how much she's invested in the man.




that's exactly what she would do......
just because women are discreet about this does not mean they don't choose the easier route as well. while dayo's friend can reveal his infidelity openly, a woman in his shoes would not do the same. she will be secretly shägging her next door neighbour.



women are into infidelity too - they just don't get to be open about it like men. any man that is denying his wife sex should not be too surprised the woman is cheating outside. i have seen enough episodes on cheaters to know women cheat as much as men, if not more - they are just more careful about it.

The wise will listen to you and pick the deep lessons even if they disagree with you. But for those who are the easy victims of such hypocrisy-yes,because most men think and act like Coogar than you see in their comments-they won't.

You are being practical in ways that women should listen to you and guage their losses. No,they will disagree because you are not telling them the same things they love to hear that ruin so much for them. We are men,and most of us think essentially like you. Ride on.

I am 100% against it. The only reason that I don't go on the offensive is that I understand human weakness. I meant my wedding night to be my first, but I didn't make it. I understand the temptation and the difficulty. But I will not go easy on anyone who tries to pass off sexxual promiscuity as something right and worthy of social acceptance. It is wrong and morally reprehensible. It is one of the three things that stands this world on its head today. So even though I'm always defending, I take no prisoners here.

And I wish Christians will stop this "to each his own" nonsense.

Nobody is championing an order of immorality. The naked essence of these points is a practical knowledge shared on the psychology of the average man. Now,a wise person picks this and tries to moderate it to her advantage. Coogar is in the majority I repeat.

I will want my daughter to marry a virgin,but I am man enough and understand men enough to know that she will need so much to manage their venom-yes,that is what a man who claims to love you will give when refused sex.

What can we do?Empower our kids and sisters with this knowledge to be watchful and careful enough to attract the very few who will be happy to stay 'zipped up' until the connubial tide.

jennykadry:

If people want totest drive what is my business ni? I remember osisi and I disagreed slightly on this a few months ago, the only question I kept asking was "is the bible in support of it or not"...there is no big or small sin, so a virgin might have committed sins without her knowing and might not be as "clear" in the eyes of God than a test driver. David was a man after Gods heart although he got his own portion, Solomon was blessed with so much wisdom even with his straying pen!s. If people cannot afford to wait, it's their business to do tiro not do it... This race we run in life is an individual race , I am running my own race.

The bible said , marriage is honorable bed undefiled... My question a few months ago was why are we selective readers? We read what we wanno hear and toss the ones we don't want.

One of these practical pentecostal bishops,the Ghanian D-Edwards, gave a beautiful and practical sermon on the sex challenge among young people and concluded that,like a ready machine,once young people have developed and ripen sexual organs they should marry and use them. All through the Bible,the patriarchs,judges and leaders who related closely with God married early enough.

Sex is so so so important to the man especially. Test driving is something very many will insist on.

Babymama1:

I read this again and felt very sad for you
It would destroy me emotionally to have my man compare me to another woman
I am not too happy about what you tell me about this guy
I doubt if I could ever love a man that tells me to my face that he married me for the spiritual
In other words he is not attracted whatsoever to me
I would feel 419ed,maggard,mugued,, deceived,conned ,used and abused

He needs to do the work to remedy this marriage not you because I don't know how to tell a woman to make a man love her when he never did and tells you that
He loves fair skinned women but married you?
Unbelievable!!
This is emotional abuse my dear
That man doesn't care a thing about you

He has said everything that needs to be said
He is not attracted to you
He Doesn't like being with you
Perhaps doesn't even like taking you out to be seen with you
There are other women out there he would rather you became like

Nne you are in the wrong marriage
Let me be blunt


This is why I strongly recommend courtship and hate long distance " courtships" too
Everywoman needs that period of discovery
Do not marry anyone without getting to know him closely

If I were you,I would open my eyes and find a man that loves me ,file for a divorce and leave him
I can never beg a man to love me
Never!!

Your advice is from a woman's perspective-emotional evaluation. Well,a man gives a rational analysis of her stated facts.

Most men are not raised in that culture of weighing their words and the emotional impact they have on women.So? The slightest frustration is enough to trigger such irresponsible and reckless talks-most of us men are guilty. Yet it does not mean that he doesn't love you.

No woman deserves to be disrespected by her man,however most men are not that emotionally intelligent to know that such uttered words are 'disrespectful to the woman they love. I am so sure that if you ask the man about the words he won't remember ever saying them.That is how the culture and environment we were raised has made us.

It takes some realization of how badly he has gone with his words for him to unlearn shooting them. In his own head,he is faithful to her,provides for her and all those,and so any words are just reactions to some other things that could have happened between them.

In those cool and happy moments,let her educate the man on how he is hurting her with all the stated and every sane man will adjust.

I agree the guy is being irresponsible,but given the stated,it is patience they need not separation or divorce.

Apolonius, you've got some very, very, insightful contributions here!

Will take my time going through them, but thanks for sharing nonetheless.

apolonius:

Some men will be happy with 'no test driving' if they truly want to marry your daughters-of course,some in this group will be having it elsewhere while waiting for the 'I do' feast. But most men will settle for test driving.

Based on what do you make the claim that most men would settle for test driving?

By the way,99 percent of adult men even the so-called born again ones will ask for sex and begin acting up if denied.

What scientific study posted that statistic? How was the study conducted? By whom was it conducted? What factors were taken into account and why?

Yes,for the adult male sex is a need. Check what completed Adam at creation. Read up Myles Munroe's The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage,The purpose and Power of the Men. He has some beautiful theology of sex as a need for the adult male.

How is sex a need? What inescapable purpose does it fulfill? How is that purpose inescapable?

Where does it say that Adam was incomplete at creation?

What is this theology and how did it fail to apply to Jesus and Paul?

apolonius:

Nobody is championing an order of immorality. The naked essence of these points is a practical knowledge shared on the psychology of the average man. Now,a wise person picks this and tries to moderate it to her advantage. Coogar is in the majority I repeat.

I will want my daughter to marry a virgin,but I am man enough and understand men enough to know that she will need so much to manage their venom-yes,that is what a man who claims to love you will give when refused sex.

What can we do?Empower our kids and sisters with this knowledge to be watchful and careful enough to attract the very few who will be happy to stay 'zipped up' until the connubial tide.

Ah good.

I didn't realize though that Coogar's being in the majority was an issue to debate. I already alluded to my appreciation of that fact by pointing out that sexüal immorality is one of the three things that is destroying life in this world. If it was not affecting a substantial number of people it could hardly be doing that, could it? The exact phrase in that post was "standing the world on its head". What the issue was is whether or not test-driving is a good and acceptable practice and I see no reason to accept 'yes' as the answer. I didn't see it from Coogar then and I haven't seen it from you now. So I can conclude that there is no good reason to think that test-driving as a practice should be accommodated.

@Apolonius great piece you have got there..welldone!

ihedinobi2:
Ah good.

I didn't realize though that Coogar's being in the majority was an issue to debate. I already alluded to my appreciation of that fact by pointing out that sexüal immorality is one of the three things that is destroying life in this world. If it was not affecting a substantial number of people it could hardly be doing that, could it? The exact phrase in that post was "standing the world on its head". What the issue was is whether or not test-driving is a good and acceptable practice and I see no reason to accept 'yes' as the answer. I didn't see it from Coogar then and I haven't seen it from you now. So I can conclude that there is no good reason to think that test-driving as a practice should be accommodated.

I have read your other comments directed at my post too. It is not a persuasion march nor a duel. We can theorize and champion chastity,yet it does not negate a truism that can't be falsified: the young men of today are mostly believers in test driving. And it is this crowd of young men that our girls and sisters are facing and will face.

The best we can do is to prepare them with the knowledge that experience and our evaluation of reality dictate:practical knowledge,and pray for grace.

That you don't believe in it does not mean many others do not believe in it too. Will you marry your girls or sisters? Have you a control over who they meet in school,church,and what have you?

My points are on the psychology of the average male of today,not an indictment of puritan championing.

apolonius:

The wise will listen to you and pick the deep lessons even if they disagree with you. But for those who are the easy victims of such hypocrisy-yes,because most men think and act like Coogar than you see in their comments-they won't.

You are being practical in ways that women should listen to you and guage their losses. No,they will disagree because you are not telling them the same things they love to hear that ruin so much for them. We are men,and most of us think essentially like you. Ride on.

What exactly is the hypocrisy here?

Again, let me get you right. Are you saying that most men consider having sex before marriage necessary to establish sexüal compatibility with their potential mates? And that they think that this is a proper conscientious practice?