Hellow house.
i often come here to read, but hardly comment nor post anything, but i need to post this today cause i really need advice from matured mind.
Am 28yrs. i love to get married as age is not on my side and i desire to have a peaceful home. i've been meeting men who shows they love me and care about my baby, but have not had any se-x-tual relationshp with any since my break up two yrs ago.i had a child outside wedlock. my baby father walked away cause things were not working out with him then. he actually left me when i needed him most. he make fool of me and walked away. i strugled all alone with the help of my parents to care for myselve and my baby. my baby is 2yrs now
today am doing alright, my child is doing fine. Rescently my baby father started communicating and geting close. he apologied and i've forgiven him. he wants us to get married and build our dreams together with our baby, but the problem now is: i just cant feel any love for him in my hrt. no matter how i tried. I just dont want to have my kids from different fathers but if am going to accept his proposal it's going to be JUST for my baby's sake.
I remembered when we first met, i loved him so much that i wanted to be his wife, but now, i dont feel excited about that anymore.
the things bordering me now are:
1. is it wrong if i agree and marry him just because of my son? cause i dont feel love or anything exciting about the marriage. (beside must i love him to marry him?)
2. if i dont, can another man who love me and accept my baby today always be there for my baby should i die or something?
I just want matured mind to reason with me and say something pls.
i said i've forgiven him and am not holding anything back against him

Run and dont look back,its better to live a happy single life then a Love-less marriage,Always remeber ur happiness reflects in ur son,a marriage without love is an empty shell,i have heard and seen people with similar experience who deeply warn against it.You may be thinking in ur heart that you love him once that u can do it again,pls dont try it,hes not the man u once love and u arent the same lady,change is the only constant thing abt life,he may have become better or worst but Pls dont Gamble with ur childs life and ur life,A man that runs away or abadon his family whether married or not is a forrking Bastarrd that needs to be castrated,trust me,am a guy and i know how deceitful and wicked we can be,he may be acting nice now and may tell u that he wasnt matured when he abadoned u guys,pls dont believe thats a pure lie.People dont change they only get better,Pls pray abt this cos i may be wrong also am not God,he may be ur Mr Right.seek God first in everything

olubolove: Hellow house.
i often come here to read, but hardly comment nor post anything, but i need to post this today cause i really need advice from matured mind.
Am 28yrs. i love to get married as age is not on my side and i desire to have a peaceful home. i've been meeting men who shows they love me and care about my baby, but have not had any se-x-tual relationshp with any since my break up two yrs ago.i had a child outside wedlock. my baby father walked away cause things were not working out with him then. he actually left me when i needed him most. he make fool of me and walked away. i strugled all alone with the help of my parents to care for myselve and my baby. my baby is 2yrs now
today am doing alright, my child is doing fine. Rescently my baby father started communicating and geting close. he apologied and i've forgiven him. he wants us to get married and build our dreams together with our baby, but the problem now is: i just cant feel any love for him in my hrt. no matter how i tried. I just dont want to have my kids from different fathers but if am going to accept his proposal it's going to be JUST for my baby's sake.
I remembered when we first met, i loved him so much that i wanted to be his wife, but now, i dont feel excited about that anymore.
the things bordering me now are:
1. is it wrong if i agree and marry him just because of my son? cause i dont feel love or anything exciting about the marriage. (beside must i love him to marry him?)
2. if i dont, can another man who love me and accept my baby today always be there for my baby should i die or something?
I just want matured mind to reason with me and say something pls.
i said i've forgiven him and am not holding anything back against him

why did he break up with you before?

If you have really forgiven him, and he is indeed very remorseful when he came to apologise, i think you can give him another chance.
Actually, he had messed up with you before, depending on what he did to offend you before, romantic love is gradual, you can still grow to love him back, if he knows how to regain your love by his good deeds. Therefore, if you think he has some admirable qualities that makes him marriageable ot that attracted you to him in your previous relationship, you can give him another chance. However, if you have discovered something evil or cunny about his character, which you think he is used to and also something you know you can not cope with, then, i will advise you to leave him and give another man a chance. That you already have a kid should not and would not be a barrier, the man that will love you unconditionally, as well as your child will surface, at its appointed time.
May God help you.

One more thing, if you think that you can NEVER love him again, no matter what he does to please you, then, i will advise that you let him know and move on with your life, never marry out of pity, withoun any iota of love or friendliness, just don't let what happened between you two affect the child psychologically. Map out how you both will take care of your child without breaking his self esteem.
Once again, may God give you the wisdom to do the right thing. Amen.

Why don't you find it once again to love him? Give him another chance let him prove his love to you. If he's really serious to marry you,please go ahead and marry him. Probably he walked away because he had no money to cater for you and your child. You will always find a room to build your love once again. As a single parent,it might be difficult getting another man to marry you. The more you wait for that man,the more time flies. Please go ahead and accept him.

Good, am Happy for u sis , accept him back just for your home and child sake, both of u should call ur family to settle things for u and he should be warned seriously against further and likes occurence.

God is love, call him to ur home, believe him u will love him more dan before. Don't let ur Kids suffer because Another man can't father your boy as u will prefr.
Finally ,with God, all things are possible

.

olubolove: Hellow house.
i often come here to read, but hardly comment nor post anything, but i need to post this today cause i really need advice from matured mind.
Am 28yrs. i love to get married as age is not on my side and i desire to have a peaceful home. i've been meeting men who shows they love me and care about my baby, but have not had any se-x-tual relationshp with any since my break up two yrs ago.i had a child outside wedlock. my baby father walked away cause things were not working out with him then. he actually left me when i needed him most. he make fool of me and walked away. i strugled all alone with the help of my parents to care for myselve and my baby. my baby is 2yrs now
today am doing alright, my child is doing fine. Rescently my baby father started communicating and geting close. he apologied and i've forgiven him. he wants us to get married and build our dreams together with our baby, but the problem now is: i just cant feel any love for him in my hrt. no matter how i tried. I just dont want to have my kids from different fathers but if am going to accept his proposal it's going to be JUST for my baby's sake.
I remembered when we first met, i loved him so much that i wanted to be his wife, but now, i dont feel excited about that anymore.
the things bordering me now are:
1. is it wrong if i agree and marry him just because of my son? cause i dont feel love or anything exciting about the marriage. (beside must i love him to marry him?)
2. if i dont, can another man who love me and accept my baby today always be there for my baby should i die or something?
I just want matured mind to reason with me and say something pls.
i said i've forgiven him and am not holding anything back against him

I think, even though you've forgiven him, you haven't forgotten the hurt, shame and embarrassment he put you through. To single-handedly bring up a child on your own for two years is no mean feat. You've obviously been through a lot, despite the fact that you had the support of your parents.

You mention that you were once crazily in love with him - but now you feel nothing. Perhaps, what it is, is that you've had to grow up really fast knowing that you were now responsible for a young life...your son's. You were left to shoulder the responsibility on your own and now he turns up out of the blue, expecting you to take him back with open arms...to continue from where you left of. I completely understand how you feel and can see that some trace of that hurt and betrayal still lingers on. You know, it's easy to say you forgive someone, but allowing yourself go (totally) so that you feel you've forgiven him is much harder.

Whether you like it or not, you'll always share that bond with him - the son both of you created together. Where marriage is concerned, it's usually best to marry your friend and confidant, so that when the initial passion sizzles out, you have that deep-seated, calmer, but nonetheless, mature and strong bond with your spouse.

If you're able to be friends with him - good friends, then I think you should consider giving it a go - and yes, wanting the best for your child - i.e him having access to both mum and dad is not such a bad thing. With time, the love you once shared will eventually find it's way back into your relationship, but this time it'll be more of an adult / more mature sort of love.

One thing I'll say though, is that you need to find out from him why he wants you both to get back together. Is it to be with you or for the sake of his son? Also find out how he intends to handle situations where things don't work out for him (i.e a re-ocurrence of the past, in future) and listen to what he says...how he'll deal with a similar situation presenting itself again in the future.

It is well.

Thank you all for your advice. i have lots of things in my head but the most important is how to give my son the very best.
everyday i try not to remember all i went through all myselve for the sake of love. it's hurting. am strong, bold and more matured now. the truth is: i cant love him again. cause i did that so much before. He walked away because he said he was not ready to have a family then and had an ex. whom he met. so it was difficult for him to chose between us. now he's back because he said he belong here.
All that is not my problem. i let him walk away cause i wanted the best for him and dont want him to feel tied down.
now i know i can never love him again. but considering marrying him for the sake of my son and i dont want to have my kids with different fathers but am not happy about the step i want to take.

^^ A child thrives best in an environment where his / her parents are happy.

Marriage should be for life. If you feel you won't be happy, then why embark on it? How would subjecting yourself to a life of misery do your son any good, if any, at all?

I think you should sit down with your baby's father and have a long heart-to-heart talk. Let him know exactly how you feel and why you think you'll consider marrying him despite the fact that you say you don't love him, and hear what he has to say about this.

fijiano202: Run and dont look back,its better to live a happy single life then a Love-less marriage,Always remeber ur happiness reflects in ur son,a marriage without love is an empty shell,i have heard and seen people with similar experience who deeply warn against it.You may be thinking in ur heart that you love him once that u can do it again,pls dont try it,hes not the man u once love and u arent the same lady,change is the only constant thing abt life,he may have become better or worst but Pls dont Gamble with ur childs life and ur life,A man that runs away or abadon his family whether married or not is a forrking Bastarrd that needs to be castrated,trust me,am a guy and i know how deceitful and wicked we can be,he may be acting nice now and may tell u that he wasnt matured when he abadoned u guys,pls dont believe thats a pure lie.People dont change they only get better,Pls pray abt this cos i may be wrong also am not God,he may be ur Mr Right.seek God first in everything

Just by readn d 1st line alone, I agree wit u totally. @op dnt attach sentiments 2 marriage, u'll regret it. Bottom line; If u dnt luv him dat much anymor, dnt marry him.

berem: Probably he walked away because he had no money to cater for you and your child.

Total poo.. Real men neva giv up

Sounds like my gf's story. Bt I didn't walk away though... She didn't tell me dt we av a son until I found out after 2yrs. I av never imagined marrying her bt nw... I wanna just marry her cuz of d boy. I hate d idea of having kids from different women.. I still love her sha bt we ain't d same again.. I hurt her feelings cuz in my heart I was using her to mend my broken heart bt she was truly loving me... nw I can't find dt same girl... its bn hard winning her bk even wen she tells me dt she still loves me... I strongly believe d boy is the only uniting factor in dz relationship aside d fact dt I still love her.

olubolove: Thank you all for your advice. i have lots of things in my head but the most important is how to give my son the very best.
everyday i try not to remember all i went through all myselve for the sake of love. it's hurting. am strong, bold and more matured now. the truth is: i cant love him again. cause i did that so much before. He walked away because he said he was not ready to have a family then and had an ex. whom he met. so it was difficult for him to chose between us. now he's back because he said he belong here.
All that is not my problem. i let him walk away cause i wanted the best for him and dont want him to feel tied down.
now i know i can never love him again. but considering marrying him for the sake of my son and i dont want to have my kids with different fathers but am not happy about the step i want to take.

if you think you can never love him again, and you are as well not happy with the decision of settling down with him for the sake of your son, please, don't go further in the relationship, going further means you are subjecting yourself to lifetime misery, which is and can never be beneficial for you and your son, healthwise and in every area.
As i said earlier, just sit down with him and discuss abut how both of you are going to take care of your son jointly, in such a way that it won't negatively affect your son's self esteem.

My dear sister, you aint the first to have child out of wedlock, some people have made such mistake before, and they were still able to find a reputable men who loved them unconditionally. Don't subject yourself to a fruitless and unhappy lifetime.
May God help you to take the right decision.

bisi16:
Total poo.. Real men neva giv up

ok

You are in a TOUGH situation.
Either way, you can NEVER have a happy home.
Unless you let go of your hurt!
You can't marry ANYONE until you are HEALED from your pain.
No, you have not forgiven him,
You are still hurting BIG TIME.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LET GO! Life is too short.

Forgive him, MARRY him and give your son a chance to ENJOY BOTH PARENTS.

You can't marry for your baby sake sister dear.You marry for love;you marry because you are happy in a relationship and feel like taking it to the next level.
I undestand your point about wanting to have all your kids by one man,but dont we all?
The only thing you can do for the boy is forgive and forget the hurt of the past.Sure you must have some fond memories of the past-bring these to the fore,see if you could bring back the feelings of old,and start loving your man again.Only then should you enter into a marriage contract with him.
If however you have tried these with no positive results,please look elsewhere.Am sure you will find someone who will give both you and your son love.
Wish you all the best.

I have forgiven him as i said.

You say so, then why the 'hangover'?
You are still holding on to something or you would not be on NL!

You need to stop thinking about yourself and think of your baby. The fact that parents choose to blow up chances of happiness should not be transferred to children.

As soon as you chose to have that child, your happiness became secondary!

The baby's father has come to his senses. For he may not love you EITHER, but for the sake of HIS SON!

You come to your senses before this situation gets far worse than this with the introduction of STEP FATHERS, MOTHERS, SIBLINGS AND ALL WHAT NOT!!!

Have ALL your children IN ONE PLACE!!!!

Love, peace and happiness is what you can make out of your present situation!

Your child deserves to be happy and SAFE!!!!

olubolove: I have forgiven him as i said.

but you haven't forgotten. Does it make sense if you forgive him and still refused to love him? He's the father of your son. You need to start building that love again if you really wanna spend the rest of your life with him.

It is very possible to forgive him but not love him, I guess during that period you discovered his real character and since you no longer love him please don't marry him at least not right away.i have seen extremely happy "blended families" and extremely unhappy biological families. Since you do not love him there is no way you'll have a good marriage and your son will be affected even worse by that. Best thing to do if you are confused is to agree to date him, get to know him afresh and don't rush into marrying him. If after a year you don't like what you get to know about him then you can move on knowing you have tried.

Darling i know my first post may look scary but am telling you out of people experience,the most painful and annoying aspect of love is the bad memories,it will make u jumpy and scared all the time,it will always make u suspicious of ur partner always.Firstly you said he was having a hard time deciding between his Ex and u the pregnant girlfriend,all this girl advicing u above sees nothing wrong with that statement,Secondly did u ask him what happen to the ex he went with? Thirdly why did it take him 2yrs to realise he ought to be there with you.what happened between the 2yrs he was gone.Most of us here are just trying our best to give u advice but when things are Good or Bad its u and ur Son that would bear the direct consequence.My advice is if you decide to give him a chance,delay the idea of marriage for a very long time and try to see if theres any hope for u 2 but my best bet is to RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK and also dont be bothered abt ur son,hes still young and can cope with a new guy

Am thinking of doing everything for the sake of my son and am here because am not thinking about me alone now. my son is the most important now and am ready to do anything that will make him alright. just that i've been trying to love him again and feel the way i use to about him, but it's not just happening to me.

Your feelings do not matter!
Geddjjjjjit?

olubolove: Am thinking of doing everything for the sake of my son and am here because am not thinking about me alone now. my son is the most important now and am ready to do anything that will make him alright. just that i've been trying to love him again and feel the way i use to about him, but it's not just happening to me.

Your son will not want to be around an unhappy mother. You sound hurt and very disappointed in him. You need more time to get over your abandonment issues. Marrying him for your son is nonsense. Get your head straight and make a decision you can live with, for the next 50yrs.

You should consider the fact that maybe it was not God's will for you to marry him to begin with.

A child is now involved but the issues and doubts remain.

You should sort out your feelings first, forgive him and forgive yourself, then think about what you want to do.

Ask God for forgiveness also.

[b]***Another level?***
1. Do you have a job?

2. Do you live with your parents or you live in your own rented apartment?

3. Is the job able to take care of your needs and your son's needs fairly enough without any external support?

4. Do you feel overstressed taking care of your son alone?

5. Am asking these questions cos I can't say if the harsh economic realities of the country are pressing hard on you. Pls am NOT trying 2 mock you at all.

6. You have been talking about your SON alone. Ask him about his ex. What happened to her?

7. Are u sure the man loves your/his SON that much or he wants 2 have S*X with you again and run away? Maybe that thing is pushing him again. Men can be crazy at times you know.

8. God have mercy on me BUT I feel you are not THINKING RIGHT.. You son needs love. And that man may NOT have it YET.

9. DON'T be in a hurry to marry him or is he in a HURRY?

10. Take YOUR time and PRAY and discuss with your family members

Finally, I am NOT saying DON'T marry him. Just make sure your own family is fully in support of your decision to MARRY him in case things don't go the way you planned. I wish you the very very BEST DEAR!!! [/b]

Don't know what to type cos am not married,but with the little experience I have gathered in my relationship life,please DO NOT MARRY cos of your child alone,love is VERY important in any relationship,else resentment will always set in,which will destroy the relationship in the long run.

Having a child out of wedlock isn't a crime,nor disease,take your time,and see if you can find another good reason to move with your run away man,or just dump him and move ahead....thousand of men are out there,who would love you for who you are......I REST MY CASE......NEXT!

The guys here have a reason for telling you not to marry him while the women are telling you to forgive and go ahead for your sons sake. You mentioned that things have turned around for him now, is it what you are looking up to despite not loving him or you're desperate that no man will take you with your son or what?
What sort of feeling do you have for him now.....cos if you're feeling resentful towards him coupled with not loving him, it is a recipe for disaster. Seexx nko.
Please define your goals and if you're uncomfortable with him in the picture .....delete him fast. It is good to have all your kids from one man but your happiness matters:............. well it seems that both of you are each others fallback plan B.