Hi People,
I was just thinking this through.

For some people, divorce is a no-no. For some others, if it's not working, then let's go our separate ways. For those who believe in divorce, what do you think about this?

I met a lady yesterday who lamented how her mum deprived her of her biological father and abandoned her thereafter to foster parents. She couldn't give me any explanation why her mum behaved in that manner as her mother never offered any explanation for that, but she feels so much indignation towards her mother because of that.
Well, she eventually located her father when she was all grown up (a very wealthy man whom she didn't enjoy his fatherhood for long before the man died). The impact of her parents' separation on her was all negative as she lamented.
Then I read recently of a man who divorced his wife and married a fresh wife recently, and pays some certain amount monthly for the children's upkeep. Then I thought, how will these children feel when they grow up?

Then also I thought, will the divorcees feel any guilt towards their children for not being able to sustain their marriage?

If we have divorcees in the house, please share with us.
What do divorcees or separated partners who disengaged after having offsprings feel towards the children, especially when they are grown?

SPACE BOOKED!!!!

I always wonder how lovebirds end in divorce nd most times become enemies causing emotional pains for d kids. sucks mehn

why cant we have a story about a poor man in such a situation?

do the kids not bother if the father isnt wealthy?

same way people complain about being chased unceasingly by rich men but they'd have no qualms boxing the fellow if he's poor.

The point is not actually the financial status of the parents but the deprivation of that parental care/love. Imagine when a child grows up to realize that one of his/her parents is not accessible to him/her, perhaps the parents couldn't remain together because of one "silly excuse", as it may look to the child.

ednut1: I always how lovebirds end in divorce nd most times become enemies causing emotional pains for d kids. sucks mehn

This is where I have issues. Do they really know
what they are making these kids go through?

They feel guilt but simply damn the consequences of the effect of the divorce on the children and shut their conscience..A divorced friend told me that the children have their lives to live and he has his life to live,his parents never died for him so he ain't gonna die for his kids or remain unhappy.

It is not divorce that maims the kids,its divorcing and using the kids as bargaining chips.Divorced parents doesn't necessarily mean kids ll lack love,if they are concerned about their kids happiness,they will find a way around it.

ruffhandu: The point is not actually the financial status of the parents but the deprivation of that parental care/love. Imagine when a child grows up to realize that one of his/her parents is not accessible to him/her, perhaps the parents couldn't remain together because of one "silly excuse", as it may look to the child.

no one said life was fair.

you make the best of whatever situation you find yourself in.

byvan: It is not divorce that maims the kids,its divorcing and using the kids as bargaining chips.Divorced parents doesn't necessarily mean kids ll lack love,if they are concerned about their kids happiness,they will find a way around it.

Good points... Its not easy to be unemotional during divorce though

True

byvan: It is not divorce that maims the kids,its divorcing and using the kids as bargaining chips.Divorced parents doesn't necessarily mean kids ll lack love,if they are concerned about their kids happiness,they will find a way around it.

As the matter of fact, kids happiness is always their main goal. Their kids eventually get spoilt & pampered too much sef

Ewuro you know some men ll snatch the kids from their estranged wives, only to dump the kids with their concubine to suffer. The kids won't be allowed to set eyes on their mum,maternal love ll be completely denied.

I agree with you, but it depends on the man and his priorities i.e kids welfare&safety ( some men are just plain useless and selfish I agree) , some men lack endearing Paternal qualities because they're never involved in their kids lives before separation, how can you expect them to suddenly bond with their kids when mom is out of the picture? also I rarely see a useless Father take custody of his kids without a proper plan ( nanny &co) but that's just me.


How bout a widower with kids? That how I see it.

@Topic

Yes they do.

It all depends on how bitter the divorce was. I have seen some divorce cases in which the parents both moved on and had no ill feelings towards each other. They respected themselves and allowed each other access to the children. Even though they could not live happily together, they ensured their kids needs and happiness were never compromised. They were even open to the kids about their mistakes in their marriage and the kids were able to learn from them.

On the other hand, I have seen couples that hated each other so much that they did not mind harming the kids to spite each other. I am not talking of physical harm, but emotional and verbal abuse. They hated each other so much that the kids were bargaining chips and tools to harm each other. Unfortunately, this couple had four children who are all grown up now. Two of those kids are already divorced (both less than 3 yr marriages) and the other two are having things difficult because all they ever saw where parents always fighting. In fact the kids just never understood what a happy family was.

I think the most traumatic thing for children is to see a bitter divorce. The parents will fill them with lies and so much hate for the other parent. I think it is better if the couple divorce when the kids are much younger so each parent can move on and have a better marriage. Do their parents regret their actions. Definitely especially seeing the effect it had in their children's marriages because they just realised their kids were just not ready for marriage.

if the parent him or herself grew up in a broken home (even though to all outward appearances, the parents were together/the home was unbroken), it will still have the same psychological effect which will reflect in the attitude towards marriage and the kids.

so, its possible sometimes the parents themselves are broken and it would not be reasonable to expect them to be able to maintain a family when they themselves have not recovered or gotten any help for their own trauma. Thats why such things may be cyclic, especially if the parties involved do not face up to their feelings at their situation growing up but prefer to ignore them instead. The hurt does not go away. And if you dont have Christ, it may be more difficult.

people who use their kids to spite each other, are taking out their feelings from the past, on the kids, its cyclic like i mentioned before.

Yes, especially when the kids are denied proper care and happiness that they should have enjoyed if both parent are still together. In most cases as such, it usually leads to resentment.

Sadly, divorce cases are getting more rampant by the day in this part of the world.

The mother in the OP's story probably had no maternal instincts and was incapable of loving a child even while married. She just stayed the same after divorce.

I would think so.

However for at least one of them other considerations - rightly or wrongly - outweigh this, if the kids aren't the reason they claim to be doing it?.

I personally know of a case where the wife insisted on divorcing her husband - and for no cogent reason? Everyone that got involved was baffled. She simply couldn't justify it.

It was so odd, they lived in the house together for over a year as the divorce was processed. After 3 kids 0! Typically they ask the man to leave, but as he had done absolutely nothing, he stayed during that time. All the while begging her to reconsider. And primarily because he doted on his kids.

And here's the irony; he now claims to be happier than he has ever been, loves his new woman to bits and says his ex-wife was a log in bed - but he would still have stayed for the kids. Can't really speak for her sha.


Hmmm...

TV

TV01: I would think so.



And here's the irony; he now claims to be happier than he has ever been, loves his new woman to bits and says his ex-wife was a log in bed - but he would still have stayed for the kids. Can't really speak for her sha.

What do you expect, he has to also claim he has moved on. I guess that didn't happen in Nigeria.
I heard a shocking stuff recently of a lady in the UK who was getting married to a guy and was displaying the pix of another man she'll marry after two years to her friend.

If they do not as MATRIMONIAL FAILURES, then they can't be HUMAN after all!

ruffhandu:

What do you expect, he has to also claim he has moved on. I guess that didn't happen in Nigeria.
I heard a shocking stuff recently of a lady in the UK who was getting married to a guy and was displaying the pix of another man she'll marry after two years to her friend.

It's not a mere claim, it's quite obvious when you see them and by the way he speaks of her. Moreso, they are not actually married, just living together. There were others, but with this one it was apparently evident from very early on.

And she is more than able too. No fault divorce is one of the worse crime perpetrated against
marriage.


TV

ruffhandu:

What do you expect, he has to also claim he has moved on. I guess that didn't happen in Nigeria.
I heard a shocking stuff recently of a lady in the UK who was getting married to a guy and was displaying the pix of another man she'll marry after two years to her friend.

Serious.

tpia@:



Serious.

True. That's to tell you how free people think they are to do as they wish.

byvan: It is not divorce that maims the kids,its divorcing and using the kids as bargaining chips.Divorced parents doesn't necessarily mean kids ll lack love,if they are concerned about their kids happiness,they will find a way around it.

@ the bolded, I doubt if the children will ever have it balanced if the parents are not together.

The kids will have the best of both worlds if they are cooperative, they ll both compete to be the best parent.Some children barely know their fathers even though their parent aren't divorced,so............

byvan: The kids will have the best of both worlds if they are cooperative, they ll both compete to be the best parent.Some children barely know their fathers even though their parent aren't divorced,so............

Very true. Thank you for this.

Funny the negative perception a single parent get from people when they do simple things married parent simply walks away with, eg hiring nanny to care for kids. It's okay for married parent while single parents were accused of abandonment.

@ byvan et Ewuro707,

You made very valid points there. But we know that most divorce cases, especially in Nig, do not come on any friendly note. Most times, one partner posions the mind of the kinds against the other.