blissfullynaughty:

WOW! Jeez man, that is some warped stuff you have there. It is quite long though and it took a whole while for me to get through it. I did not see the sick angle coming at all. It's either you have a sick imagination or Nigeria is one crazy sick violent country. I did feel some pity for the girl.

iice:

I think the idea is good, i don't know if its me but i think it needs reshaping.
For the first few paragraphs i wasn't getting much of a 'feel' of the story.
Not enough hatred, bitterness and angst too i think.

Just my opinion ooo

ayomorocco:

Hey Iice, Thanks for reading.  I know what you mean about the beginning dragging a bit. I am trying to work on it believe me. When you say nor enough hatred, bitterness and angst, do you mean on the girl's part? If yes, I was striving for resignation, desolation etc. . . that sort of thing. But I will take another look at the overall effect. Thanks again.

You are welcome.
Oh hmmm, resignation.  .  .ok, if so then not enough only at the very end do i get that. 
I love the end B.T.W, either that or off a cliff _{sorry, a bit weird here}
Goodluck. 

iice:

I love the end B.T.W, either that or off a cliff _{sorry, a bit weird here}
Goodluck.  [/color]

Sisikill:

WOW!!! That was SICK and very DARING! I applaud you! Not many people will allow themselves go there.

Personally, I felt not getting a sense of the girl in the beginning was a good thing. After that kind of ordeal, it is only logical that the victim feels a little misplaced, there but not there kind of thing. I also like the fact it was relief not sadness I felt for her at the end.

Finally, the matter of fact what you related the story was what made it. You weren't overly emotional about it. . . the experience spoke for itself, you didn't have to write things to tug at the readers heartstrings.

Apart from a minor edits grammer and structure wise, I think it is very good!

Well Done!!!!

vini:

Great story! Blood spilling
i think Hadley Chase has a serious rival in you.
keep it up lady!

ayomorocco:


Thanks a bunch for your kind words Sisikill. As with most controversial subjects, somebody has to Like I said, I intend to clean it up (well it and the others I want to compile), but you know what they say. . . drafting/writing is a field in which familiarity breeds satisfaction, so my eyes have stopped picking up even the most obvious of errors because they see what I intended or a perfect page. So can I ask a little favour ^{(Okay a massive favour)}? I know you are busy, but would you be so kind as to help me run it over (i.e. do a quick edit). I can provide you with the story in MS Word format. Whatever your response is, thanks anyway.

Thanks to everyone who has read the story. Please keep the comments coming. Much appreciated.

Sisikill:

I'll be honored to! I'm working up something for someone, hope to be done with it in a few days. As soon as I'm done, I'll let you know.

bluespice:

wow!
thats all i can say

wow
wow
wow
i love the resignation
i love the distance
this is beautiful
wow
good job man

Banderas:

Hey man, excellent stuff. I haven't had time to read the entire tale, I'll do so later. For starters, you speak about bar beach. Do realise that majority of your audience haven't been to bar beach. So you need to include a more detailed description of bar beach, not a summary. How about the bar beach, a popular tourist destination in the victoria Island area of lagos.

Also, your dialogue about the different flags didn't quite, work. The information got across, but it took a while to realise that was an explanation and not an experience. Perhaps "A white flag was used to indicate that the sea was calm, " would have been better, since it would have changed the tense of the sentence, indicating to the reader that this was a quick detour from the story itself

mami water who lived in the sea. That's a bit of a tautology there - a repetition. Like saying a car which had four tyres, or a man who walked on his legs. Mermaids always live in the sea. Perhaps you need to indicate that this mermaid lived in the nearby waters of the beach, or something along those lines.

Vortex - Try something simpler - perhaps current? Whirlpool?? Vortex is a bit too complex in my opinion

There are a few more - but most are minor corrections that your agent will always point out anyway if you do get published. I'll make sure I read sometime soon.

Nnenna1:

I read something along the lines of this in Hints magazine years ago.

Not to discredit the authenticity of the story, cause it's pretty disgusting. Very good descriptions.

I can assure you that it is my original work. Like most works of fiction, it has its roots on real life occurences. Parts of it is based on a robbery attack made on my home in Lagos almost two decades ago (when I was away in boarding school in Benin-City) where around a dozen armed robbers laid seige on the house and attacked my mother and brother. Though I must add that all the gory bits are pure fiction. I must admit however that the bit of the father and daughter was informed by a discussion I once had with a few of my school mates when I was at university (and we were swapping tales about accidents and robberies) and someone shared this fascinating tale she had read about robbers who for no fathomable reason made a mother sleep with her son and the father his daughter. Like everyone else, I was appalled, but I filed it away for creative use someday.

So, I do not know what you might have read in the Hints magazine you referred to, but I assert my right to be known/acknowledged as owning the copyright in this work (inclusive of sequence of events, dialogue etc.).

zukkie4eva:

Good one Ayo, good one. The story seemed very real and i could imagine the pain & horror Ameze felt. This world is evil!, u can never please people, imagine the same people her father helped turned against them. Amaeze's mother's curse would surely prevail in their lives!. . . . . _{now don't get too emotional, it 's just fiction!}

I love ur writing style. . . .

princesa:

Too horrible to be criticized, I mean ewww, this doesn’t happen in reality does it
I wish I had never gone to read this horror filled story what an imagination you really have
For me, the story was captivating, tension filled and horrific

lepashandi:

@Poster

the time you should spend foking your man, you are using it to write one stupid story.

inspira:

i think you did a pretty good job of rising from d initial point to the "climax" of sorts. anyway,it's a very good piece and u really got my attention while readng d story, want to read more.
really don't have anything 2 criticise but i think u shld check d development of the story to see that as ur developing d story,the characters are developing as well, .there was a good description of d events but i suggest that the xter's feelings shldn;t be left 2 much in d backgrd, know what i mean

omotofine:

Best story i have read on NL so far. I believe u might do better to expand it into a novel.