Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence are on the rise, especially among young people. The risk of falling into an abusive relationship is greater than ever.
There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behavior. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship.

More useful than a list of obvious red flags are guidelines based on very early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship, signs that are visible before an attachment bond is formed. The following is a list of qualities to look for in a potential lover. Avoid them at all costs.

[b]A BLAMER:[/b]Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:

"You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with."

"Why couldn't I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?"

"You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid."

Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you.

Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.

[b]WATCH FOR PATTERNS OF EXTREME JEALOUSY:[/b]Anyone who gets angry or sulky when you want to go and have a night out with friends or questions you mercilessly any time you're seen talking to a member of the opposite sex is being unreasonable and jealous. If you feel you're being kept away from friends and relatives, or smothered because you can't go anywhere without your partner, it's a sign of a potentially abusive relationship. It's also almost always the way physically abusive relationships get started.
Notice if your partner gets angry when you spend time with others, even if it's only your own family members. If your partner suspects you of suspicious behavior when you're spending time with coworkers, close friends, and your own family, you're dealing with an unstable person who needs to back off.

[b]WATCH FOR SIGNS OF POSSESSIVENESS:[/b]Part of abuse is establishing control over the relationship––and thereby over you. Pushing constantly for affirmation or for more intimacy, especially early on, can be a sign of the type of insecure behavior that can help create an abusive relationship.
Does your partner insist that you go everywhere together and never spend time apart? Does your partner tag along to events that they have no business attending? It may be a sign of possessiveness.
Saying things like "You belong to me, and only me" is a sign that your partner views you as property and will likely become jealous when you behave like a normal person who talks to and interacts with others. Proclamations of love when you've only been dating a few days or weeks can also be a sign of a possessive and obsessive partner.
Interrogations or accusations about where you've been and who you've been talking to should not be tolerated. Relationships should be built on trust, not suspicion. If you're not cheating on your partner, you have no reason to be interrogated.

[b]SUPERIORITY:[/b]Superiority is the implication, at least through body language or tone of voice, that someone is better than someone else. Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.

The most abusive form of hierarchical self-esteem is predatory self-esteem. To feel good about themselves, persons with predatory self-esteem need to make other people feel bad about themselves. Many will test high in self-esteem when they come for court-ordered treatment, while everyone else in their family tests low. But once intervention increases the self-esteem of the emotionally beaten-down spouse and children who then no longer internalize the put-downs, the predator's self-esteem invariably declines.

A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness. If you dare to disagree with him, you will not only be wrong but immoral!

[b]PETTINESS:[/b]If he makes a big deal out of nothing or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with him will be disastrous. This might show itself as being extremely particular about how his food is prepared in a restaurant or seeming impatient if someone drops something.

In a love relationship, his petty attitudes and behavior will make you feel reduced to some small mistake, as if nothing you have ever done right in your life matters. You will feel criticized and diminished for the smallest of infractions, real or imagined

SARCASM:[/b]Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it's just poorly-timed humor - saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it's innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt or offend. More often it is hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to undermine a perspective the sarcastic person doesn't agree with or to shake someone's confidence, just for a temporary ego gain or some strategic advantage in a negotiation.

Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management, always trying to sound smart or witty. Their tone always has at least a subtle put-down in it. In dating this will be directed at others. In a relationship, it will center on you.

[b]DECEIT:Unintentional deceit happens all the time in dating, due to what I call the "dating self."

We all try to put on the best face possible in dating. Most of us will exaggerate our good qualities at least a little, if we think the other person will like us more if we were just a bit more like that. "Oh, you're religious? Well I've been feeling a bit more spiritual lately, so I'm going right home and read the Bible, or at least watch the movie version."

This kind of unintentional exaggeration is meant less to deceive than to motivate the self. The exaggerator really wants to develop qualities you like; he's just not quite there, yet.

Of course, the dating self often includes blatant deception, as in, "Oh, did I tell you that I went to Harvard?" or, "Yes, I know some rich and famous people." Deceit shows a low level of self-respect -- and respect for you -- that can only bode ill in a relationship.

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PARTNER'S SUSBSTANCE USE: Are alcohol or drugs being used to excess? Does your partner become more violent, difficult, nasty and selfish when using drugs or alcohol? Have you discussed treatment options with them. Are they willing to quit? An addict who chooses to stay in a drug- or alcohol-infused state of rage is dangerous, selfish and in need of rehabilitation. You do not deserve to be harmed and your partner may need more help than you can offer.
While alcohol or substance use is not necessary a sign of abuse in a relationship, abusing substances, or using to excess is a risky behavior that should be considered along with other warning signs. At the very least, it should be a sign of a partner that needs help.

OBSERVE THE WAY ARGUMENTS PROCEED: How do you disagree? Calmly, rationally, expressing your feelings and negotiating a resolution that's satisfying to both of you? Or does every disagreement escalate into a huge, hours-long row? Does your partner instantly begin pouting, yelling, or calling names? This can be a clue to bad things in store.
Particularly, watch for your partner to shut down into a moody, angry sulk, with the only responses to your complaints a terse or angry answer.

TRUST IN YOURSELF

While a certain caution in dating is a good thing, you want to be sure that your caution is proactive, rather than reactive; you want it based on trusting your instincts, rather than distrusting love.

Trust in yourself stems from your deepest values. As long as you stay attuned to the most important things to and about you, you will naturally gravitate toward those who truly value you as a person.

But even if you are firmly grounded in your values, it's possible to be fooled by hidden resentment, anger, or abusive tendencies in the people you date. That's because it's easy for those prone to such tendencies to put on a false dating face. Because they have a more "fluid" sense of self than most people, it's easier for them to pour it into any container they think you might like. But they can't and won't stay in a nice container once you establish a relationship. Then their resentment, anger, or abuse will emerge in full force

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