1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and
share openly without being afraid: Don’t interrupt, even if
you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop
yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make
threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too
angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take
space for yourself, breathe, and “calm down.” Remember:
your partner is not the enemy.
2. Separate the facts from the feelings: What beliefs and
feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself:
Is there something from my past that is influencing how
I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you
want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about
me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate
facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and
be able to resolve conflicts from clarity. Loving Your Body,
Loving Yourself
3. Connect with the different parts of yourself: Each of us is
not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an
orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying?
What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What
is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: My mind is saying
‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I really love her.’
Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and
speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer
that comes from your whole self.
4. Develop Compassion: Practice observing yourself and
your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but
you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door.
The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are
compassionate, you are open, connected, and more
available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you
increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately,
you will have more power to choose your response rather
than just reacting.
5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”: The foundation
for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is
to be separate and connected. In co-dependent
relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self,
compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are
separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to
the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its
parts.
6. Partner, heal thyself: Don’t expect your partner to fill
your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately,
each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however,
can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice
versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in
and of itself.
7. Relish the differences between you: The differences
between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t
need to be with someone who shares all of your interests
and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences
are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a
relationship exciting and full of good fire.
8. Ask questions: All too often, we make up our own stories
or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior
means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle; she
must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the
side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the
answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body.
Equally important is to hear what’s not being said — the
facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.
9. Make time for your relationship: No matter who you are
or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship.
Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your
relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also
taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred
space together by shutting off all things technological and
digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your
relationship, the more it will grow.
10. Say the “hard things” from love: Become aware of the
hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that
feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel
the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need
to say in a constructive manner.
Your tip: Do you have a great relationship tip of your own?
If so, share it with me.(tongue)