Ebony-Silk:

You said, when they leave off to college.
But some children are not so fortunate, esp when they're dealing with withdrawal. No one is listening, they get abused and beat around by their step father, etc, what if that child does not make it through.

Like I said, one of my friend turned to smoking and drinking as a relief. Will she go to college? Don't think so.

Exactly my point. That is why in the earlier portion of my post I specifically outlined the reason why the children must be used as "litmus" paper. If a man or a woman cannot love the children of their spouse like their own, then i am sorry, they aren't capable of loving their mate. In my previous career I can still remembering having to shelter children who couldnt go home because the stepdad hated them, or the stepmom didnt want them around. My heart goes out to anyone who has to endure such things. I guess we have been fortunate. My sister's first son is not her husband's but you will never know. he treats both kids as his own. Too bad we arent blessed with many men of this calibre anymore. And I am not excluding the women either. I have heard and seen step-children suffer at the hands of stepmom. How heartless, afterall, many of them have children themselves.

I suggest your friend gets help and fast. The experiences she endure today can significantly alter her life later on.

Ebony silk,
What is a psychological problem? It is a problem connected with a person's mind,

The problem is in the mind. FYI, what we thinks affect our persons and at times can become a social desease at the extreme. I can assure you that most of the social problems we are seeing are cases that were implanted first in the mind of the suffers. It is when they don't recieve the right attention that they become diseases.

Let me give an example. A kid whose dad had just remarried loathed the step mum so much. The step mom is a nice no nonsense woman. But the child never get to like either her or the father. So they don't live together but live within the same compound. The father is a womanizer and the circustance of his dumping the child mother was brutal and still fresh. The child, probably believed he was not loved so he didn't get along with step mom. The grand mother lived in the same compound, so it turned out that he prefered staying with grannie than his parent.

He grew up in such environment, untreated, and isolated from his dad. As a grown up man, he started seeing the world with disgust. He trusted no one and treat women like a game,

It is a long story. I know because the boy in question was my childhood friend. We lived in the same compound and played together. When I grew up I became another man. I was not infected with his "stinkin thinkin" because my parents protected.

When I was 18, I had to leave my parent and live with the boy's parent-his dad and step mom. By then, I had develop inquisitive mind that enable understudy the family. Luckily the said boy was living with us too, this time, far away from the grand mother. Yet, he didn't settle well in the family because he had conditioned his mind not to accept them as parent due to what happened to his mom,

And if the problem is because he felt that he had not been introduced to the man, then it is easily solved. But in this case, they are already living together. So that can't be the case.

I think its natural. Every individual would find it very difficult getting along with a stranger.

@kamabod,
can you say because some men are insensitive, then every man is insensitive? That is a fallacy over overgeneralisation. We tend to look at the society one where an individual would represent the whole community.

A criminal was caught in Nigeria, therefore all Nigerians are criminals! Some men flirt in marriage, therefore all men are unfaithful! A man isn't concerned about his child, therefore all men are like him,

It is the thinkings like these that hinder societal growth and cripple mutual trust. Most people now go into relationship expecting a cheating partner, and to their prediction, they get what they imagined. If only they had been told that our thought are very capable of transforming to reality if watered enough in a fertile environment.

Men that didn't introduced their kids to their would be wives are just like women who don't. It is those who have something to hide that would behave that way. We all know our society is not perfect, so expecting everyone to do good is a sign of weakness.

Man or woman, if you already have a kid then introduce him to your spouse before marriage. Anything else is an attempt to hide something and then pave the way for conflict at home.

CodeRED,
you are very correct in your observation. Let me add that there is no use in proceeding to marriage no matter how strong a love relationship is, if the man does not know how to relate with kids. Whether you have a child before or not. It is by ignoring this very important observation that man great love, resulted in lavish wedding, and ended with social nuisance as kids. It is by ignoring this fact that many women find out later that they are made to bear the responsibility of raising the kids alone. It is by ignoring that observation that some women end up with a husband that will sleep soundly at night while the woman keep awake all night singing to a wailing baby. It is not the final test, but like you put it, acid test.

As for kids that are selfish, that is equally true. I said it earlier. To be sure, one to know if indeed they are selfish.

olanajim:

Ebony silk,
What is a psychological problem? It is a problem connected with a person's mind,

The problem is in the mind. FYI, what we thinks affect our persons and at times can become a social desease at the extreme. I can assure you that most of the social problems we are seeing are cases that were implanted first in the mind of the suffers. It is when they don't recieve the right attention that they become diseases.

Let me give an example. A kid whose dad had just remarried loathed the step mum so much. The step mom is a nice no nonsense woman. But the child never get to like either her or the father. So they don't live together but live within the same compound. The father is a womanizer and the circustance of his dumping the child mother was brutal and still fresh. The child, probably believed he was not loved so he didn't get along with step mom. The grand mother lived in the same compound, so it turned out that he prefered staying with grannie than his parent.

He grew up in such environment, untreated, and isolated from his dad. As a grown up man, he started seeing the world with disgust. He trusted no one and treat women like a game,

It is a long story. I know because the boy in question was my childhood friend. We lived in the same compound and played together. When I grew up I became another man. I was not infected with his "stinkin thinkin" because my parents protected.

When I was 18, I had to leave my parent and live with the boy's parent-his dad and step mom. By then, I had develop inquisitive mind that enable understudy the family. Luckily the said boy was living with us too, this time, far away from the grand mother. Yet, he didn't settle well in the family because he had conditioned his mind not to accept them as parent due to what happened to his mom,

And if the problem is because he felt that he had not been introduced to the man, then it is easily solved. But in this case, they are already living together. So that can't be the case.

Hmmm, somehow, you're absolutely right. . . . it's true o.

But not all situations are like that. A teenager does not have to have reasons to hate, it's sometimes out of want.

@kamabod,
can you say because some men are insensitive, then every man is insensitive? That is a fallacy over overgeneralisation. We tend to look at the society one where an individual would represent the whole community.

wetin be karmabod?  oajunim tin ba mu e

and did I say Every Man?  What I said is that compared to most men, women tend to care more on whether their kids like their new potential partner/try to get the new dude and the kids together.

You know it's true esp in Naija.

I can't put anybody before my children. I can't even imagine it but I can see how it can be a tough life if your significant other thinks that their love is not returned or they feel neglected

@ebony,
that is why I said the child would need help. You may have to force them sometimes. Yielding to kids demand everytime, whether rational or irrational is the most wicked thing any parent can do to their children.

Let me give you a simple explanation. Some children, if given the chance would choose not to go to school. I am one of them! I remember, I hate school when I started my primary one. My mom has to cajole me by giving me food packed in my school box. But after a year, of forceful attendance, I started loving it. If parents were to give in to my "want" knowing that I am picking the wrong choice, I doubt if I would sit here today and blame myself!

Most cases of juvenile delinquent are moulded at home, when a child get everything and had the final say in everything, just because the parents love him.

Another case is that of school experience. You may like a particular teacher and detest another. Just because a student hate a teacher doesn't mean that teacher must be withdrawn from his class. Yet, that is exactly what some parents do.

If the man is good and upright, if he know his onion and is worthy to be a father, a brother, a husband; if you are convinced beyond doubt that this man was righteous, by any means, give him a free hand to help you kid and never side with any of them.

Outstrip,
I am sure you said that because you are fortunate to have a good obedien child and a good partner. Some parents are just not as lucky!

When there is a balance, it make parents proud. But that doesn't mean it is flawless.

@karmabod,
you didn't have to say it. You see, by using MOST MEN, you must have done research on it. Well, it will surprise you to know that men who don't care about what happen to their children rarely bother to take the child from the mother when they are parting. And if they do, they are always quick to dispatch the unlucky child to an old grandma, never to check on them unless they happen to lose their ability to bear children again.

Which ever the case, I know that even some men in marriage don't care for their own children talkless of another man children. Let just learn to recognize them before they invade our homes. Whether man or woman, prevention is better than cure.

I am going home tonight to hug my kids.

I am so lucky to be their mom and to have them in my life.

And here I am fretting because my biggest challenge with them is getting them to consistently do their chores.

iice:

Children come first. It's the sacrifice of parents IMO.
Depends i guess on the how well the children adapt, how well the step parent adapts. It works out especially if people are beyond all the preconceptions, fear, selfishness. . .but people are people

God bless you for that

sistawoman:

I am going home tonight to hug my kids.

I am so lucky to be their mom and to have them in my life.

And here I am fretting because my biggest challenge with them is getting them to consistently do their chores.

lol!! Glad you see what I the thread wanted you to see

@olajimn
Thanks for the contribution

Some step children can be over dramatic.

@spikedcylinder,
you are right. But why are they?

@sister woman,
well if you have difficulties in getting children to consistently perform their chores, then that cause for more works from you.

Please don't forget to hug their dad also. It multiplies the affection.

Iice,
thanks for that. It is well.

Thats a gud que,but u forgot to ask her if she's also a step child.

Meaning?

They instantly see any man/woman coming into their parent's lives as the enemy. Some kids would never accept anybody as good enough for their father or mother.

Thats what I mean by dramatic.

That is very true especially where their own parents had establised effective bond.

Nevertheless, it is very essential for kids to learn how to adapt to change. Those who fail to adapt often grow up with negative conditioning. I am yet to see where someone who could not embrace change succeed in life.

Parents, whether step or real parents must understand this and learn to help kids adapt to changes. Failure to do so have a great consequence.

Exactly.

The real lessons in life are learned outside homes though they begin from home.

olanajim:

Exactly.

The real lessons in life are learned outside homes though they begin from home.

True, like the yoruba says:
Omo ti'o ba k'eko ni le, a ko ni ta- a child that does not learn at home will learn outside

It all depends on the relationship between both parties. I for one never had a good relationship with my step mum. But for my stepdad it was quite the opposite. We had a good bonding. He never differentiated between his biological kids and us. Though he is late now, I still miss him.

Children love those who love them, and they can't be deceived with fake signs of affection. Most male step parents do not like their step kids, or are too demanding for their spouse's (their parent's) time. They behave as if they married a single person instead of a family, and they hate that another man's kids is getting their wife's attention. As for the female step parents, they often pretend to love the kids when the parent is there, then ignore them (or worse) when the parent is absent. So the child resents them. Most times too, the step parent wants to establish his/her authority on the kids immediately the marriage register is signed. Patience is very important.

Unless the kids are at the rebellious teenager stage, I will assume that it is the step parent's fault. A sincere step parent can really bond with his/her step children.

Same thing here. . . .

If it damaged her marriage, at that time, I really didn't care. And I thank my mother for taking my side, and for that I never made her regret that she had me.

But my story and yours differ from those kids out there, who felt like there was no one to turn to, who felt that no one was listening to them. Kids nowadays have turned to something else.
Some years back, I had a friend who had same problem as I do, but her situation differs from mines in a sense that her stepfather was abusing her. We left middle school and went to different high school. When I used to walk home, I'll see her and greet her. She'd ask me for money, and I'd lend it to her. Not knowing what she was using my money to do. After a while, she stopped hiding it to the world and started smoking and drinking and carrying boys around.
I stopped talking to her and whenever I see her walking towards me, I'd act like I didn't know her.
Right now, am not even sure where she is or even if she survived.
Oh well!

My post is to target those mothers out there who remarried and how comfortable the children are with the marriage.
Sometimes, for our children's happiness, we must sacrifice a lot. . . .so why remarry when you know your husband and children won't get along?





_{Arlington, lol, abeg, this is not about me o. . . .am not a mother. This is just general}

but is this targeted to women who remarry, what about men that remarry. so it's okay for a woman not to remarry. what about children that suffer from their step mothers due to the fact that their dad remarried.