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Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? - Family (7) - Nairaland

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 5:07pm On Jan 15, 2015
pickabeau1:


as a professed feminist, i will have expected you to be aghast at a tradition that values females and makes them a booty or prize to be haggled over by men


wherever did I profess to be a feminist? You must have me confused with someone else.
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by pickabeau1: 5:42pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
wherever did I profess to be a feminist? You must have me confused with someone else.

Oh...thought you said so once

No problem then

Dont you howeveer think it should be proscribed
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 6:01pm On Jan 15, 2015
pickabeau1:


Oh...thought you said so once

No problem then

Dont you howeveer think it should be proscribed
I lean more toward the male folk than females. Do I think it should be proscribed? No. Do I think the amount spent should be reduced, by all means yes.
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by keenn: 6:07pm On Jan 15, 2015
cococandy:
Where there is understanding, it shouldn't be a big deal.
Even if the man can afford everything . If she can find a way to take on some of the list requirements,then no harm in it.

At least it sends across the message that the girl and her family aren't out to milk him but are doing it because they can't side step that's process of the traditional marriage.


Am a regular visitor of this forum and I do appreciate interesting comments. Quite a number of times have a appreciated comments only to discover it is from u (cococandy)

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by pickabeau1: 6:10pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
I lean more toward the male folk than females. Do I think it should be proscribed? No. Do I think the amount spent should be reduced, by all means yes.

It's a tradition rooted in times when women leaving a clan were seen as disadvantageous to her clan hence compensation

These are modern times
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 6:31pm On Jan 15, 2015
pickabeau1:


It's a tradition rooted in times when women leaving a clan were seen as disadvantageous to her clan hence compensation

These are modern times
it remains disadvantageous to some extent. There are worse traditions than the dowry, it's hardly an issue IMO.
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by pickabeau1: 6:34pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
it remains disadvantageous to some extent. There are worse traditions than the dowry, it's hardly an issue IMO.

How does a daughter leaving her father to marry disadvantage the father

Which traditions are worse

Please don't say FGM or widow stuff

Those r barbaric...no need for discourse
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Manaty2nice(m): 7:10pm On Jan 15, 2015
When she does that...it will definitely have a negative effect on the husband in future to come..I.e, she will definitely make some derogatory statements to her husband...

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by cococandy(f): 7:20pm On Jan 15, 2015
keenn:



Am a regular visitor of this forum and I do appreciate interesting comments. Quite a number of times have a appreciated comments only to discover it is from u (cococandy)
smiley
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 7:26pm On Jan 15, 2015
pickabeau1:


How does a daughter leaving her father to marry disadvantage the father

Which traditions are worse

Please don't say FGM or widow stuff

Those r barbaric...no need for discourse
lol...you should discuss this with a lecturer of mine who's of the opinion that if you're going to come take away the person who cooks, cleans and does a sizable amount of housework at least drop as much as she's worked...his words not mine.
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 7:29pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
lol...you should discuss this with a lecturer of mine who's of the opinion that if you're going to come take away the person who cooks, cleans and does a sizable amount of housework at least drop as much as she's worked...his words not mine.
kontinu
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 7:33pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
lol...you should discuss this with a lecturer of mine who's of the opinion that if you're going to come take away the person who cooks, cleans and does a sizable amount of housework at least drop as much as she's worked...his words not mine.

So after he pays that huge sum I hope he isn't expected to help with house work oh since you have said it's okay he pays all the demands because the wife is coming to work
You shouldn't get a maid either because why pay so much and still be forced to pay for the services of a maid again. Plus she must do all the work manually since thats what he has paid for.

I would think we would be more concerned about building a life together than in having our family suck the man dry

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by pickabeau1: 7:34pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
lol...you should discuss this with a lecturer of mine who's of the opinion that if you're going to come take away the person who cooks, cleans and does a sizable amount of housework at least drop as much as she's worked...his words not mine.


Still goes back to my initial premise
That women are assets to be bargained over and they have no say

I'm giving you an asset that will give you babies and cook for

Pay me for the loss of this asset
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 7:43pm On Jan 15, 2015
aisha2:


So after he pays that huge sum I hope he isn't expected to help with house work oh since you have said it's okay he pays all the demands because the wife is coming to work
You shouldn't get a maid either because why pay so much and still be forced to pay for the services of a maid again. Plus she must do all the work manually since thats what he has paid for.

I would think we would be more concerned about building a life together than in having our family suck the man dry
if she has to go to an office and bring in money for the family, then she has the right to a maid if she pleases. My dad paid my mum's dowry, she went to work, paid 2 of 3 kids' fees and still made sure to cook the meals. It all depends on the woman in question. If you're paying her dowry and she's not working, then she needs no maid. A dowry is a small price to pay for a woman who'll bear kids for you and baby you
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 7:49pm On Jan 15, 2015
pickabeau1:



Still goes back to my initial premise
That women are assets to be bargained over and they have no say

I'm giving you an asset that will give you babies and cook for

Pay me for the loss of this asset


last I checked, being an asset is a good thing...anyway tis not my concern, I'm not looking to get married
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 7:50pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
if she has to go to an office and bring in money for the family, then she has the right to a maid if she pleases. My dad paid my mum's dowry, she went to work, paid 2 of 3 kids' fees and still made sure to cook the meals. It all depends on the woman in question. If you're paying her dowry and she's not working, then she needs no maid. A dowry is a small price to pay for a woman who'll bear kids for you and baby you

Going to the office or not she must be a maid oh after all that is the justification for the exploitation in form of bride price the fact that she will cook and clean
Better believe that if I was a man and you stood by and let your family exploit me I will be your lord and master, you will not only cook, clean make babies but if you work I own your salary after all you have been purchased at a huge price

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by lolababe331e: 7:53pm On Jan 15, 2015
The whole thing should be scraped. We women have come further than to be sold like a cow, in my tribe most people no longer practice it. You just bring some gifts and traditional things and the brides family gives gifts back. As a feminist I can't allow anyone to collect money from my man to marry me

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 7:54pm On Jan 15, 2015
lolababe331e:
The whole thing should be scraped. We women have come further than to be sold like a cow, in my tribe most people no longer practice it. You just bring some gifts and traditional things and the brides family gives gifts back. As a feminist I can't allow anyone to collect money from my man to marry me
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 8:13pm On Jan 15, 2015
aisha2:


Going to the office or not she must be a maid oh after all that is the justification for the exploitation in form of bride price the fact that she will cook and clean
Better believe that if I was a man and you stood by and let your family exploit me I will be your lord and master, you will not only cook, clean make babies but if you work I own your salary after all you have been purchased at a huge price
I hope your father won't collect a cent from whoever marries you (if you aren't already married)....cuz we hear Hausas charge in terms of cows.

Btw, I believe I said that the dowry should be cheaper, don't scrap it, just subsidize it. So telling me about costly bride price is you swaying from my point. The bride price in my village is about five naira for instance...I'm not aware of any other extras. And even if there was, I doubt it would cost more than 20-50k....

But I digress, matters pertaining to marriage is better discussed amongst people who wish to partake in such unions smiley
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 8:25pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
I hope your father won't collect a cent from whoever marries you (if you aren't already married)....cuz we hear Hausas charge in terms of cows.

Btw, I believe I said that the dowry should be cheaper, don't scrap it, just subsidize it. So telling me about costly bride price is you swaying from my point. The bride price in my village is about five naira for instance...I'm not aware of any other extras. And even if there was, I doubt it would cost more than 20-50k....

But I digress, matters pertaining to marriage is better discussed amongst people who wish to partake in such unions smiley

It serves no purpose so nothing was collected. We are both enjoying the marriage we were both trained so why should he pay?

Anyway the issue here is that the dowry is extravagant so much so that it will weigh down their other plans. Thats what this topic is about. Any woman who stands proudly while she is haggled over like a cow should humbly accept what she faces in her husbands house. We women are custodians of cultural practices that keep us in bondage

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Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 8:26pm On Jan 15, 2015
lolababe331e:
The whole thing should be scraped. We women have come further than to be sold like a cow, in my tribe most people no longer practice it. You just bring some gifts and traditional things and the brides family gives gifts back. As a feminist I can't allow anyone to collect money from my man to marry me
even in those parts where they collect 'exorbitant' bride price, the girl's family remains responsible for the traditional marriage ceremony proper, so it's not like someone is being swindled for nothing.

Please any married people in the house? I've noticed most of the complainants here are single....we want expert opinion on those who paid dowries and if they led to a master-slave relationship
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by safarigirl(f): 8:33pm On Jan 15, 2015
aisha2:


It serves no purpose so nothing was collected. We are both enjoying the marriage we were both trained so why should he pay?

Anyway the issue here is that the dowry is extravagant so much so that it will weigh down their other plans. Thats what this topic is about. Any woman who stands proudly while she is haggled over like a cow should humbly accept what she faces in her husbands house. We women are custodians of cultural practices that keep us in bondage
once again, I'm forced to reiterate my stand.

My initial point from the onset is: Reduce the dowry, do not scrap the dowry.

All this 'feminist' talk na wash...many feminists have gotten married and 'exorbitant' fees were paid on their heads. You can blow all the hot air you want, when a man comes along, your father and kinsmen will be the ones to deliberate on what he should drop, you can only intervene by pleading for a reduction, but you can't stop the dowry tradition. That's the point I've been trying to make
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by pickabeau1: 8:34pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
last I checked, being an asset is a good thing...anyway tis not my concern, I'm not looking to get married

OK...no problem
Its a free world

Your current mien is more enjoyable than your previous one which was very controversial sort of

Enjoyed the discourse
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 9:05pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
once again, I'm forced to reiterate my stand.

My initial point from the onset is: Reduce the dowry, do not scrap the dowry.

All this 'feminist' talk na wash...many feminists have gotten married and 'exorbitant' fees were paid on their heads. You can blow all the hot air you want, when a man comes along, your father and kinsmen will be the ones to deliberate on what he should drop, you can only intervene by pleading for a reduction, but you can't stop the dowry tradition. That's the point I've been trying to make

Am not single madam and yes we can change tradition if we want to. My father and I discussed it extensively before I ever imagined getting married and when time came i reminded him and he stood by it, told his kinsmen even one who was trying to be funny was told off, so yes madam if we want to we can change it. I hear some communities women protested and it was changed so we are not helpless little women
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by babygirlfl: 9:37pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
once again, I'm forced to reiterate my stand.

My initial point from the onset is: Reduce the dowry, do not scrap the dowry.

All this 'feminist' talk na wash...many feminists have gotten married and 'exorbitant' fees were paid on their heads. You can blow all the hot air you want, when a man comes along, your father and kinsmen will be the ones to deliberate on what he should drop, you can only intervene by pleading for a reduction, but you can't stop the dowry tradition. That's the point I've been trying to make

What has feminism got to do with this?
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by blank(f): 10:09pm On Jan 15, 2015
safarigirl:
I hope your father won't collect a cent from whoever marries you (if you aren't already married)....cuz we hear Hausas charge in terms of cows.

Btw, I believe I said that the dowry should be cheaper, don't scrap it, just subsidize it. So telling me about costly bride price is you swaying from my point. The bride price in my village is about five naira for instance...I'm not aware of any other extras. And even if there was, I doubt it would cost more than 20-50k....

But I digress, matters pertaining to marriage is better discussed amongst people who wish to partake in such unions smiley

I wonder why people take such pride in archaic things. According to my village rites, bride price is N60. Mt dad collected N100 cos there was no change. All those extra things, he didn't ask. His brothers were shouting, She is a graduate, she has masters, she is tall, the most ridiculous things but he stood his ground. He even gave me a sizable dowry. I was gisting a friend of mine, she now turned it to abuse. That they won't value me cos na small money they pay. I had to ask her to compare the two of us who is enjoying more and she was ashamed.
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by deavicky(m): 11:56pm On Jan 15, 2015
listenersky:
Why cant they wait till they are both ready to get married.Must they go ahead with the marriage when its clear that only the Lady is ready.My point is if the Man cant pay the bride price,that means he's not ready for marriage yet.
so ur definition to readiness for marriage is money abi. And for those of u who think bride price is chocolate. Come and marry from rivers state where they are at liberty to tell 500k and even more there u will understand u need help and where it comes will not matter to u then.
and as for u Ops there is no time. help if u can, cos waiting for him to get the money himself, it means if he gets it maybe in five years time thats when u ppl will get marry. I don't know your age but if u are not less than 22 u should know what u are doing.
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by sorepco(m): 8:53am On Jan 16, 2015
my guy, you have seen anything yet. there was this bride price ceremony at ukpor in aambra state (shares boundary with imo state) where the items the guy was asked to bring was about N2.5 million.....it was one of the most bizarre experiences of mine. check out some of the bizarre aspects f that bizarre show:

--the guy was to give expensive george wrappers each to all the women in the village who saw the girl on the day she was born.

--he was asked to bring about 20 cartons of cigarettes, with emphasis on st morritz!!!

--All the umuada(girls from that kindred who were married outside) were to be given 3 expensive wrappers--forgotten the name.

--Since the guy was a graduate, the cash money was automatically astronomical.

--when the girl ad the mother protested (thats the previous day); they were shut up by the elders...some even say they know the guy's shop in kaduna; that it always full and very large for a small boy!!!! what could the women do? she only lamented that had her husband been alive, she would have made sure they collected nothing more than 50,000.

What could the guy do? they already had two children, so he could not back off.

The worst part of it was that since we were there for our kindred, we had to stay put. However, when we asked for water to drink (after about 2 hrs of them baring their greed); they snobishly pointed us a well, to get drinking water, inspite of him having brought 50 crates of eva water? by then, i was so pissed and just kicked my car and left....after that i decided to not marry, unless i find a wife from my own village!!!!






Kachisbarbie:
hmmm.
I think it's a wont here in Nigeria that the man shoulders responsibilities like that because it's believed to increase the value of the woman in his sight.

But, come to think of it
*If a man can't pay the bride price alone, where does he plan getting money for the wedding proper?i.e considering the fact that, that expense is "basically" on him too.
_ he should pay the bride price (borrow from his friends nd family) and the lady can come in later, during the trad/white wedding.


To the woman:
_Are you doing it out of desperation?
_Or are you genuinely trying to help? If this is the case, nothing wrong...the adage that if one hand is weak the other helps to pull up comes into play.


If the bride price is outrageous and she has to support, it's ideal she develops amnesia, immediately after helping him out - never bring it up...no matter the situation...lols

If they are both mature....
If they both understand they are doing it for them...not "one person"....
If he is visionary and she knows it's just a temporary set back....

It shouldn't be a problem
.

Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 9:43am On Jan 16, 2015
unibenstudent1:
yea me again,so answer d qwenshion sha
y will I be desperate 4 a guy wen I have u
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by unibenstudent1(m): 9:46am On Jan 16, 2015
jomile:
y will I be desperate 4 a guy wen I have u
hey hey ,so when did we marry jomile? grin
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by talk2dhanny: 12:34pm On Jan 16, 2015
mutter:
A good idea however the problem is it could lead to insult.

Woman - you are not even a man I am the one that married you.

Man- you were so desperate you even paid me to marry you.

OR

Woman - Baby I know the pressure is a bit too much, i'd love to assist with some of the bills. We are in this together remember?

Man - oh love, i'm most grateful. What would i do without you? (hugs her tightly and NEVER EVER forgets the treasure he has been blessed with)
Re: Should A Woman Help Her Fiancé To Pay Her Bride Price? by Nobody: 2:55pm On Jan 16, 2015
unibenstudent1:
hey hey ,so when did we marry jomile? grin
I know we r not married yet,but we will somday,nd I know u have enuf money to pay my bride price

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