Awon eleyi bad gan
Flow leeee
Oya ride on,i gbadun u
Muaah

IHate9ja1:
Awon eleyi bad gan
Flow leeee
Oya ride on,i gbadun u
Muaah

Thank you

My best comic writer so far------Flow Nwannem

Can‘t wait to see d success of diz evil act.
Oga floe weldone sir!

Flow nwanne

flow1759:
"SIr, i delivered 28 parcels in Sululere Axis" I pronounced Surulere like a typical Igbo man.

"where and where did you go to in Surulere" Mr Wole my Boss inquired.

"i went to Surulere Sir" I barely heard his question.

"so u walked the whole of Surulere? ehmmmmmnnn? Mr Johnny Walker!"

Johnny Walker walked for sure, but Flow covered more distance. in my line of Job, i sometimes wished i could fly.

"i said where did you go to in Surulere" He thundered.

" I said i went to Surulere sir" I answered

"He said where in Surulere did you go to?" The female voice of Kel brought me back to my right senses. My head at that moment was blocked, like i was carrying a fifteen storey building on it. My big head was growing bigger, i was seeing beautiful stars, big beautiful stars!

"Sorry ooooh!!! i went to. Lawanson, Randle, Ojuelegba, Ayilara, Shitta and Masha" i chorused.

Mr Wole pressed the calculator for what lasted like ages.

"my money is 2,800 naira sir" i almost yelled, but i dare not.

"oga the money wey una dey give us too small oh" i almost complained, but again, i dare not say that to the dreaded Mr Wole.

We were being paid 100 naira per parcel delivered. When parcel is mentioned, i don't mean a "coco" parcel, as i could remember a rather lunatic man accusing me of delivering C'ocaine to people's houses. On that fateful, or rather unfateful day, i knocked on a gate and this sk'unk smelling mouth guy came from nowhere and, his words: "them swear for your Papa, why you dey disturb my peace".

"you be like person wey get peace?? No be only Peace, na Patience" I replied almost immediately.

"ehnnnnnnn! na me you dey talk to, them swear for you!" I wondered why people from the Yoruba tribe loved using the word "swear"

"no!! them no swear for me, na your Papa them swear for" I was rather hash.

"ehnnnnn!!! you get mouth curse my papa abi? u don die today" He suddenly started rehearsing a punch that befitted me.

I took of my work bag and started drifting towards him. But the moment i saw him pulling out something from his pocket, i saw myself taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

"wetin you dey comot for your pocket? na knife?" I saw myself increasing the steps backwards to three.

"if them born your papa well come near me, i go chuk you" He threatened as he brought out the dagger in his pocket.

"i go chuk you Chukudi" I wondered how he knew my name was Chukwudi, My Grandmum must have told him that, she love calling me that.

"i go chuk you Omo Ibo" He came closer.

Before i could say "Boko haram", He had sliced my wrist, yes! he had sliced my wrist like Boko haram do.

"see blood oh" I cried.

As blood gushed out of my wrist, so was urine gushing out of my P'.enis, and sweat out of my whole body. He was advancing towards me, and at that juncture my hands failed me to a punch, likewise my legs to a kick.

"na you dey sell illegal coco abi" He was now at close range.

"i no dey sell Coconut oh" I thought he said Coconut.

"you don buy market today" The dagger was close to my throat.

Closer and closer it came to my throat, and backwards and backwards i moved and cried, "i no go market oh". it was like i was under a spell, or like my brain left me and flew away.

I remembered i was a martial artist, and strength came from nowhere. I sent a jab to his jaw and he staggered backwards.

"first attack!!" i cheered myself.

Then.................................





Like bee to nectar i saw Four hefty guys advancing. "u don die today!" one of them thundered. More strength came from the cardinal points of where i stood and i started swaying from left to right with my guard on like i was the son of Mike Tyson. i jabbed the guy with the dagger again, this time to his abdomen, the dagger flew off his hands and i almost shouted "Halleluiah".


Before i could say "Damaturu", something landed on my head from the west. It was a plank, i was sure.

Before i could say "Taraba", something landed on my heed from the east. It was an iron r'od, i was sure.

Before i could say "Poshiskum" something landed on my head from the South. It was a Plank again. i wished the next wouldn't be an iron r'od to the North to complete the circle.

[b]

flow1759:
"SIr, i delivered 28 parcels in Sululere Axis" I pronounced Surulere like a typical Igbo man.

"where and where did you go to in Surulere" Mr Wole my Boss inquired.

"i went to Surulere Sir" I barely heard his question.

"so u walked the whole of Surulere? ehmmmmmnnn? Mr Johnny Walker!"

Johnny Walker walked for sure, but Flow covered more distance. in my line of Job, i sometimes wished i could fly.

"i said where did you go to in Surulere" He thundered.

" I said i went to Surulere sir" I answered

"He said where in Surulere did you go to?" The female voice of Kel brought me back to my right senses. My head at that moment was blocked, like i was carrying a fifteen storey building on it. My big head was growing bigger, i was seeing beautiful stars, big beautiful stars!

"Sorry ooooh!!! i went to. Lawanson, Randle, Ojuelegba, Ayilara, Shitta and Masha" i chorused.

Mr Wole pressed the calculator for what lasted like ages.

"my money is 2,800 naira sir" i almost yelled, but i dare not.

"oga the money wey una dey give us too small oh" i almost complained, but again, i dare not say that to the dreaded Mr Wole.

We were being paid 100 naira per parcel delivered. When parcel is mentioned, i don't mean a "coco" parcel, as i could remember a rather lunatic man accusing me of delivering C'ocaine to people's houses. On that fateful, or rather unfateful day, i knocked on a gate and this sk'unk smelling mouth guy came from nowhere and, his words: "them swear for your Papa, why you dey disturb my peace".

"you be like person wey get peace?? No be only Peace, na Patience" I replied almost immediately.

"ehnnnnnnn! na me you dey talk to, them swear for you!" I wondered why people from the Yoruba tribe loved using the word "swear"

"no!! them no swear for me, na your Papa them swear for" I was rather hash.

"ehnnnnn!!! you get mouth curse my papa abi? u don die today" He suddenly started rehearsing a punch that befitted me.

I took of my work bag and started drifting towards him. But the moment i saw him pulling out something from his pocket, i saw myself taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

"wetin you dey comot for your pocket? na knife?" I saw myself increasing the steps backwards to three.

"if them born your papa well come near me, i go chuk you" He threatened as he brought out the dagger in his pocket.

"i go chuk you Chukudi" I wondered how he knew my name was Chukwudi, My Grandmum must have told him that, she love calling me that.

"i go chuk you Omo Ibo" He came closer.

Before i could say "Boko haram", He had sliced my wrist, yes! he had sliced my wrist like Boko haram do.

"see blood oh" I cried.

As blood gushed out of my wrist, so was urine gushing out of my P'.enis, and sweat out of my whole body. He was advancing towards me, and at that juncture my hands failed me to a punch, likewise my legs to a kick.

"na you dey sell illegal coco abi" He was now at close range.

"i no dey sell Coconut oh" I thought he said Coconut.

"you don buy market today" The dagger was close to my throat.

Closer and closer it came to my throat, and backwards and backwards i moved and cried, "i no go market oh". it was like i was under a spell, or like my brain left me and flew away.

I remembered i was a martial artist, and strength came from nowhere. I sent a jab to his jaw and he staggered backwards.

"first attack!!" i cheered myself.

Then.................................





Like bee to nectar i saw Four hefty guys advancing. "u don die today!" one of them thundered. More strength came from the cardinal points of where i stood and i started swaying from left to right with my guard on like i was the son of Mike Tyson. i jabbed the guy with the dagger again, this time to his abdomen, the dagger flew off his hands and i almost shouted "Halleluiah".


Before i could say "Damaturu", something landed on my head from the west. It was a plank, i was sure.

Before i could say "Taraba", something landed on my heed from the east. It was an iron r'od, i was sure.

Before i could say "Poshiskum" something landed on my head from the South. It was a Plank again. i wished the next wouldn't be an iron r'od to the North to complete the circle.

[/b]

flow1759:
"SIr, i delivered 28 parcels in Sululere Axis" I pronounced Surulere like a typical Igbo man.

"where and where did you go to in Surulere" Mr Wole my Boss inquired.

"i went to Surulere Sir" I barely heard his question.

"so u walked the whole of Surulere? ehmmmmmnnn? Mr Johnny Walker!"

Johnny Walker walked for sure, but Flow covered more distance. in my line of Job, i sometimes wished i could fly.

"i said where did you go to in Surulere" He thundered.

" I said i went to Surulere sir" I answered

"He said where in Surulere did you go to?" The female voice of Kel brought me back to my right senses. My head at that moment was blocked, like i was carrying a fifteen storey building on it. My big head was growing bigger, i was seeing beautiful stars, big beautiful stars!

"Sorry ooooh!!! i went to. Lawanson, Randle, Ojuelegba, Ayilara, Shitta and Masha" i chorused.

Mr Wole pressed the calculator for what lasted like ages.

"my money is 2,800 naira sir" i almost yelled, but i dare not.

"oga the money wey una dey give us too small oh" i almost complained, but again, i dare not say that to the dreaded Mr Wole.

We were being paid 100 naira per parcel delivered. When parcel is mentioned, i don't mean a "coco" parcel, as i could remember a rather lunatic man accusing me of delivering C'ocaine to people's houses. On that fateful, or rather unfateful day, i knocked on a gate and this sk'unk smelling mouth guy came from nowhere and, his words: "them swear for your Papa, why you dey disturb my peace".

"you be like person wey get peace?? No be only Peace, na Patience" I replied almost immediately.

"ehnnnnnnn! na me you dey talk to, them swear for you!" I wondered why people from the Yoruba tribe loved using the word "swear"

"no!! them no swear for me, na your Papa them swear for" I was rather hash.

"ehnnnnn!!! you get mouth curse my papa abi? u don die today" He suddenly started rehearsing a punch that befitted me.

I took of my work bag and started drifting towards him. But the moment i saw him pulling out something from his pocket, i saw myself taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

"wetin you dey comot for your pocket? na knife?" I saw myself increasing the steps backwards to three.

"if them born your papa well come near me, i go chuk you" He threatened as he brought out the dagger in his pocket.

"i go chuk you Chukudi" I wondered how he knew my name was Chukwudi, My Grandmum must have told him that, she love calling me that.

"i go chuk you Omo Ibo" He came closer.

Before i could say "Boko haram", He had sliced my wrist, yes! he had sliced my wrist like Boko haram do.

"see blood oh" I cried.

As blood gushed out of my wrist, so was urine gushing out of my P'.enis, and sweat out of my whole body. He was advancing towards me, and at that juncture my hands failed me to a punch, likewise my legs to a kick.

"na you dey sell illegal coco abi" He was now at close range.

"i no dey sell Coconut oh" I thought he said Coconut.

"you don buy market today" The dagger was close to my throat.

Closer and closer it came to my throat, and backwards and backwards i moved and cried, "i no go market oh". it was like i was under a spell, or like my brain left me and flew away.

I remembered i was a martial artist, and strength came from nowhere. I sent a jab to his jaw and he staggered backwards.

"first attack!!" i cheered myself.

Then.................................





Like bee to nectar i saw Four hefty guys advancing. "u don die today!" one of them thundered. More strength came from the cardinal points of where i stood and i started swaying from left to right with my guard on like i was the son of Mike Tyson. i jabbed the guy with the dagger again, this time to his abdomen, the dagger flew off his hands and i almost shouted "Halleluiah".


Before i could say "Damaturu", something landed on my head from the west. It was a plank, i was sure.

Before i could say "Taraba", something landed on my heed from the east. It was an iron r'od, i was sure.

Before i could say "Poshiskum" something landed on my head from the South. It was a Plank again. i wished the next wouldn't be an iron r'od to the North to complete the circle.

Iyke1998:
My Mumu na first class
make I nor go die of foolishness o

November 1st 2014, 17:59pm.

“Flow Nwanne!!”

“I don high!!” Otukpa danced Red Indian dance towards me.

“Flow!! You no dey drink again?”

“why? I don drink enough na! I don taya for drink” I replied.

“abeg take!! Drink more!!” He offered me his glass of Vodka; the same glass that Snow poured the “elixir” into.


“I say I don drink!!” I turned right as he forced the drink on me.


“Flow if you drink this drink, you don die be that!” I told myself.



“drink na!” Queen danced to where I stood, collected the glass from Otukpa and tried forcing it on me.

What saved me by the bell was when my phone rang, it was Segun; the Mathematical.



“hello!! Sege Sege! How far, u don forget me abi?”

“how i go forget you!” He spoke from the other end.

“wetin dey happen na? How Onitsha?”

“mehn nothing much oh, Onitsha don taya me oh”

“why you talk like that?”

“i no dey carry woman, all the girls here no fine, If police see igboh with person, them don sanko you be that”

“I trust you na, your life na Igboh-Shayoh-a’shawo!!” What a life.

Igboh-Shayoh-A’shawo was the lyrics of a song of the late musician Dagrin, and that was the kind of life style Segun lived; The smoked weed a lot, drank like his stomach was brewery, and last but not the least he had slept with so many p’rostitutes.


“mehn, I don change that kin life style oh” He announced, and that alone called for a testimony of Sunday.

“you mean am?” I was shocked.

“yes oh, my brother don go pay for me make I start to learn mechanic”

“ehen! That one good oh”

“but guy when you go come know my place for Port Harcourt na?”

“ahan!! You suppose know say I go like come know your place na”

“so when you go come?”

“ehnnnn! Make we see as next weekend go be, I go call you sha”

“Mathematical Sege!!” I hailed, “You dey hear from James so?”

“dem never release am oh, oga lie many things put for him head, say him come thief for him house for night, when I call my brother, him tell me say Police later arrest Amos talk say him follow us chop the money”

“him tell me say Kel don get Belle for Oga, and Oga don pursue him wife comot for him house”

“him even say Sola don give Funmi Belle, so Oga say make him marry her by force”

“ehen!!”

“what of Ife?” I was curious about the one I once loved.

“Him tell me say Ife wan travel abroad go do her masters my next month”

“ehen!!”

“but how your brother take know all this things na?” I needed to know.

“him friend Sumbo don dey work for Wilo na!”

“so na that him friend nahim dey give am information about everything wey dey happen there”

“guy nawa oh!! So Oga later give that girl Belle?”

“naso na, na nonsense man na”

“anyhow sha, when I wan come Port Harcourt, I go call you”

“my credit don dey finish, we go talk leter na” he hung up.



“mehn! Thank God say no be me give Funmi belle oh! But Shola na very bad sharp guy oh!!” I returned to the party.

But I halted when I saw something that shocked me.

Queen was gulping from the glass of Vodka Snow poured the elixir into; the one she collected from Otukpa.

“don’t!!!!” A voice inside of me yelled.


I turned and saw that Otukpa had sat solemnly and was talking to himself, that was when it dawned on me that it was time to go home.


Soon, Otukpa coughed loud.

“why we do this thing to this guy, but e no good oh” I pitied him.



He coughed again, this time placing his hand on his nose.





Suddenly., he fell to the ground and wobbled left and right.


I turned left and saw the “Queen of my heart” dancing albeit off tune.

“abi the thing no dey work for women?” I asked myself.


I looked left and right and to see if my partners in crime were still very much around. They weren’t.


“where Junior and Snow na?” I asked my shadow.

“which time them comot na?”

“where them follow comot na?” I asked myself a million questions.


I turned left and saw that Queen was n’aked and her friends were struggling to cover her with a wrapper.

Albeit I took a glimpse at her n’aked body, my ”senior man” was still sleeping slumber, maybe it was as a result of the atmosphere of mayhem. Or so I thought.


As I turned to pinyaw, I collided with Mr Great Otukpa’s boss.

In pidgin, “pinyaw” is a slang that describes what Usain Bolt does in the track.



“who are you?” he queried.

“me!”

“who are you and what are you doing in my compound with bare chest?” That was when I realized I had actually took off my top.

“I………. I…………. I..” Like the Nigerian House of Assembly would say; “the I’s have it”.

“I justed came to wished Otukpa ,sorry, emm I mean Emma happy birthday and a prosperous new year in ad.......” Grammatical earthquake.

“ehnn!! And you have succeded in killing him!” He cut.

“me! Killing?”

“it is not me that killing oh?” I was fidgety.

“hold that boy, he is a suspect!”

One fat guy quickly grabbed me wholly saying “you can not run!”



How I wished I ran.




How I wished.

iyke1998 why na?

which kin quote be that.

BTW i saw your PM

flow baba....this one na yawa oh

u can not win it all, I win some and lose some too bad that it happen these way. I know u will come out of there good. flow and snow a masterpiece.

Flow nwanne

Schedule so tight


No delivery today


Promise to deliver tomorrow



STILL I FLOW

flow1759:
Schedule so tight


No delivery today


Promise to deliver tomorrow



STILL I FLOW

Ride on baby flow,oh sorry Mr plow

“what did he drink?” Mr. Great asked.

“I don’t know oh, I saw Queen collect a glass of Vodka from him, as she drank from the same glass, she started behaving strange” One random guy said.

“what is the make of the Vodka drink?” Mr. Great asked.

“Code 1!!” Someone said.

“are you sure the drink is not expired?”

“yes, it is, it is even running my stomach!!” I said.

“will you shut up and fetch me water!!”

“leave me na, you no hear were Doc say make I go bring water?” I struggled to free myself from the fat one.






In our street, Doc was what Otukpa’s boss was called because of his medical pedigree, a bad pedigree I must say. Every woman that delivers in his hospital takes in again in not too long a time. He fathered about Eleven children from different women. Every female ailment was somehow caused by some abnormalities in the v’irgina; abnormalities he often cured with his p’enis.


“leave me make I go bring water jor!!” I freed myself.






I found water outside the compound and in my room too.




“Na now I know say una hate me” I frowned, “so naso una run leave me make them kill me abi?”

“hahahahahaha!!”

“you dey laugh abi?”

“in fact, I know say na you advise Junior make una run leave me” I was sure such mischief could be perpetrated by no other.

“hahahahaha! Abi na Junior advise me sef”


Whoever advised the other was not my concern; my concern was why they fled.

“but why una run sef?”

“you no know say Padiman see us as we dey pour the thing inside the drink, and we no want make him talk say na we put something for Otukpa drink” Snow the chief mischief maker said.



And I stumbled on the same Padiman when I stepped out of Otukpa’s compound. The same padiman asked me; “where you dey go, party don finish?”

“I dey go piss” I answered.

Little did he know that there was serious trouble inside.




"i pray make Padiman no talk oh!!"

“na our man na, him no go talk!”

Padiman was indeed our paddy, but whenever he was drunk, he could be as talkative as a parrot.




I will never forget him drinking three small bottles of Alomo bitters and arguing with I and Snow that Sokoto was the capital Of Brazil; that in fact the Christ the Redeemer statue was in Sokoto.


Yet Alomo bitters was his favorite drink, sometimes he diluted it with Coca cola, other times with Palm wine.




“guy I dey pray make Otukpa no die oh!”

“him no go die!!” Snow assured.

“you dey talk him no go die, if him die, and Padiman tell them say na we cause am, we don land for prison be that oh”

“but shebi I warn una say make we no do am?” I wished i could cry.

“guy you too dey fear fear” Junior said.

Kettle calling Lantern black, the same Junior that was always scared of little things, even a cockroach. And rat too.

Rat!!

I will never forget the night rats ate the better half of the hair in his head.




We ate Akara and bread that night, and after eating, my dear Junior rubbed off his oily hands on his hair telling us it was the best hair cream since civil war.

It was also the best barbeque since civil war to the rats that night.


“Flow!! You barb my head for night?” Junior asked the hungry Flow that sat outside thinking of why life treated him unfairly.

“barb as how?” I turned facing him, “shey I be barber?”

“see my head na!!” he showed me what looked like Banky W with a Papa Ajasco hair style.


“hahahahahahahaha!!!”

“you dey laugh abi?”

“hahahahaha!” I laughed some more.

“but how rat go chop person head like this, the rat wicked oh!!”

“hahahahahaha!!”

“you dey laugh abi? Your turn go reach no worry”

“God forbid bad thing, my turn no go reach, wetin you mean? Make rat chop my hair too?”

An unending laughter and that was it, after which he went to the barber’s shop to have a hair cut, another hair cut i mean to say.






“Paddy man!!” We saw him staggered into the compound.

“wetin dey happen?”

"you talk?" I asked.


"talk wetin?"


“mehn! Otukpa don die oh” He headlined.

“ehnnnn!!”

“you say wetin?”

“you say!!”

“what!!!” We chorused one after the other.

“him don almost die”

“you dey craze oh, which one be him don die and him don almost die again?”

“na you dey craze, why you dey curse me na, abi you think say I smoke igboh before I dey tell una this thing?”

“you no only smoke Igboh, you smoke shisha join” I almost said. Padiman could tutor Man wey dey reason in igbo smoking and in being fetish too.


**Man wey dey reason I know you are reading this, I respect your babalawo tendencies, but Padiman na first class graduate for the school of Igboh smoking and babalawology***

I know not what chronic igboh smokers have in common with being babalawo. I thank God my smoking never went chronic, maybe I would be typing this from Okija shrine by now. Or maybe not.

Padiman albeit a young man of 28 battled over fetish supremacy with oga landlord.


I will never forget him pouring the liquid from his wife's m’enstrual “kini” on landlord’s shrine, and that made landlord almost kicked the bucket.

Thank God he kicked no bucket, if he had kicked, who would had paid the 200 naira he owed me.




“I mean say, him resurrect from the dead!” Padiman said.

“so that one mean say him dey alive?” Junior was so illiterate a boy that he thought to resurrect meant to maybe sleep, or sleep walk. Or so I thought.

“so where him dey now?” I asked.

"him dey him house dey sleep"


“but after him come back to life, the first thing wey him talk na – Where Flow?”

“you say?” I was shocked.

“I say as him come back to life, him com dey ask of you”

“why na?” I asked Padiman.

“I no know oh!!”

“him oga come ask - who is Flow?”

“I com tell am say I know who be Flow, say I dey stay for the same compound with Flow”





“why you go tell am like that na?” The three of us chorused at the same time.

That's breakfast.

Lunch and dinner is still cooking.

Cook A̶̲̥̅♏ sharp sharp O°˚˚˚

“no be say shoot bird mama fly, I wan kill that girl for night”

“but why una come dey fight wrestling for on top bird na”

Gift wasn’t only as cheap as kpomoh, to get in between her legs was cheaper.

Little wonder before I “went in there” I wished doubling the c’ondom.

But to clear my fears, I had investigated and discovered, she slept with no other than me, and of course the guy she acclaimed was engaged to her.



ADVICE TO GUYS: If you are engaged to a girl and the girl is far from you, try monitoring her, or else if she be Gift-like that believed in having a substitute in case it rains, then your guess is as good as mine.






Gift was the kind of lady that said what she wanted and went for it, and that was exactly what she did; she wanted me to oil her engine since she was far from Tochukwu. And that I did perfectly.


But again, she became a pain in my a’ss when she started falling in love even after I warned her not to bearing in mind that she was engaged to someone else.


How funny it was when she told me she can never love any other except Tochukwu and I.

Then I asked her which of us she loved more than the other, she said none. That it was 50-50.






Slapping men that asked her out was in her gene, she always slapped One or two, and sometime three men every night.



I will never forget her slapping a fat man that came out of his car just to ask her out right in my presence. Even though she told him I was her cousin, she still slapped him thundering.


How I wished I came into her life before Tochukwu, I would have been glad to marry her. But on a second thought, I wouldn’t have been glad to because Gift was so so raw.

Nigga Raw the musician will surely seize to bear that stage name if he meets Gift.


She could talk as raw as raw Egg. She talked amongst others about how I position whenever I had s’ex with her comparing it with that of Tochukwu, about how longer my Stick was when compared to that of Tochukwu, about how Tochukwu was more romantic than I, about my c'limax moan noisier than that of Tochukwu, about how I r'ammed harder than Tochukwu but he lasted longer than me, and such and such.






Another thing I don’t like about Gift was the fact that she saw herself as a member of the World Wrestling Federation (WWE).

She could beat the hell off any guy, including yours truly Flow.





I hold a first Dan degree in Taekwondo, is true. But with Gift, I was nothing but a member of Boys scout trying to fight a Sergeant in the Army; where will he start from.


I knew I could as well beat her hell, but I dreaded trying for my p’.enis sake.

Severally had she kicked my p’.enis in a technical knockout bid.

And she always won every fight not by hook or by crook, but by kick or by drag.

My p’.enis in her hand was like rubber band or chewed bubble gum.









Food!!

Forget that one!!!

She could eat the earth for breakfast, Saturn for lunch and Jupiter for dinner.

Little wonder whenever she knocked on our door, all our pots went on strike.









Stingy!!

And the winner of the most stingy girl in Nigeria is…………………………… Gift.



Gift was gifted in being stingy.


She was the kind of girl that could give you one naira and ask you to borrow her two naira. She when asking would never use the word “give”, she preferred using “borrow” instead. And most times I did borrow her, while she paid back in bed.


In bed!!





In bed, she reminded me of Mike Tyson.

She always swayed from left to right while I was still “in”her hurting my “senior man” so much.


She always gave it to me in different style, including m'onkey style. With Gift, s’ex was indeed a Royal rumble.





And wait……………………….

Kissing!!



Did I hear you say kissing?


Kissing Gift always caused me soar throat, and sometime ulcer of the mouth. And my prayer then was that she wouldn’t someday render me dumb by biting off my tongue.


Biting!!


When fighting, she most times bit her opponent especially if her opponent was female that had b’reast.

Biting b’reast was a habit that came into existence when she bit the left b’reast of Miracle the Landlord’s daughter.

That was why, even though b’low j’obing was trendy then, I never allowed her to try giving me one. Although I disgusted the act ab intio.

She so much longed for the day I would lick her l’abia. Woe betide me to do that to a lady I wasn’t married to.




Marriage!!

Gift’s prayer was that either Tochukwu or I will get married to her in no distant time little wonder she cared about my financial improvement like she was a task force officer.

That was exactly what she was; a task force officer that I remitted half of my pay daily to.

Half was all she wanted, and nothing more.

My half plus Tochukwu’s half was what she used to fulfill all her needs while the money she made co-owning a hair dressing saloon with her friend remained in her bank account smiling.




But like they say in pidgin language; “cunny man die, cunny man bury am”, I most time stole back about half any money I gave to her.

So it was a “one for the master, one for the boy” thing.


I say boy because Gift so much loved the company of boys even though she wasn’t a tomboy.



Far from being tomboy, she was beautiful.


Beautiful but her K-leg spoiled it all.

kristen12:
Cook A̶̲̥̅♏ sharp sharp O°˚˚˚

There you go.

Lunch by 12:10pm.

Wasn't that really on time?

We will be having Beans and Bread for Dinner.

flow1759:



There you go.

Lunch by 12:10pm.

Wasn't that really on time?

Just in time Mr Flow Nwanne

welldone sir flow

flow1759:
We will be having Beans and Bread for Dinner.

Just what I had for breakfast...won't mind it for dinner as well. Funny updates. Keep it up Flow Nwanne

Oga Flow,watsup with my request na

I ate well, waiting for dinner.

Flow which one be "Babalawology"?
You too funny.

“Snow make we go fetch water for Goldberg?” Since the Otukpa break out, we had changed where we fetched water to distant Goldberg hotel.


Like the name, Goldberg hotel was indeed where Gold could be mined. The hotel management was so philanthropically that those that electricity forgot like us could fetch water from their tap. And at that time, Water was indeed gold.



What marveled me most was that the hotel painting colour always changed by default from Pink to Green during raining season and from green back to pink during dry season.

Goldberg Hotel was indeed a beehive of activities. Guys watching football match at the bar/viewing centre, DJ s’laming deafening sounds, and of course P’rostitutes going about their night duty.




I will never ever forget.


I will never ever ever forget the night I and Snow went just to drink beer at the bar, little did we know that that night was their dance night.

When I say dance night, I know some of you will think I mean just dance, “no be ordinary dance?”.

“no be ordinary dance oh!! No be ordinary dance”


They dance n’aked there,I mean totally n’aked from head to toe.

“make we enter dance hall go see wetin dey happen there na?” Snow suggested, “since wey I dey hear say girls dey dance n’aked here once in a while, I never ever see am with my own eye”

“ehen!! You sure say you want make we enter?” we had to decide.

“make we go see wetin dey happen there with our own korokoo eye na”

“abi you dey fear?"

“why I go fear, still I Flow na”

“ehen na, make we go see with our korokoro eye na”


And our "Korokoro" eyes saw it all.


We were right in time to meet the s’trippers c’atwalked in one after the other.

One of them wore just p’ant and was b’ralesss.

“Mr Snow!! You dey see wetin I dey see so?”

“I dey see oooooh”





We sat and ordered for a bottle each.

Soon, three ladies were in the podium dancing; next, it seemed the “Dorobucci” song made these ladies go g’aga and they danced so excellently.



Suddenly,the fair one started it all.


She resumed taking off her b’ra and moved to her p'ant like she was hot.

The hall wasn’t hot i could feel cos the A/C that blew close to my head told me to cool down that my eyes are yet to see the best part.


Best part came when the three ladies took off their “ups” and started unplugging their “downs”.


At first, I thought either they were mad or I was mad. But as I spelled my name in my mind perfectly, I confirmed I wasn’t mad.

At least I could affirm they weren’t mad too from the mare judgment that I wasn’t.






Since I was born, and now I am growing old, I have never been to an a’shawo house save that night. Inasmuch as beautiful women freaked me, p’rostitutes turns me off.


I know you guys will say, “all women are directly or indirectly p’rostitutes”, oh dear sorry to break your heart, my mum isn’t one, and she was never, but I am sure I will someday walk a very experienced p’rostitute down the aisle.


“Women of nowadays!!” like my Dad will always say, “they don’t keep their sacred hole sacred”



Before I winked, I saw three sacred holes staring at me.

“Flow!!” Snow tapped me, “you still dey alive?”

My mouth was ajar and my eyes were wide open.

That was when it dawned on me where I was; a s’trip club.


Before I winked again, the s’trippers left the podium and one of them danced towards me.



“wetin I do na?” I asked the air.

“Flow show workings na” Snow cheered.

“which workings I wan show na, Snow?”



As she danced in front of me, I tried to catch a glimpse of her face albeit the room was dark, she was really beautiful, mehn! she was really beautiful.

And I guessed she should be a graduate, she looked like one.


The Government of Nigeria dey f’uck up well well, If they couldn’t create more jobs for the teaming youths, they should at least legalize some that are already in existence, e.g P’rostitution and lying.



“I don’t have money!” I lied to the p’rostitute, when i had 10k in my wallet.


Like she saw the money in my wallet, she still insisted I took her to the room, before I know wetin dey happen,she begin shake her n’yash for on top my iroko.




Next, she brought her n’yash close to my mouth.

“nyama!! Smelling n'yash!!” Did I hear you say that?


It was my mouth that smelled badly rather; it smelled of booze.


She soon caught the message that I wasn’t a customer that could pay; that my pocket was dry, so she danced out shaking her parting frame to the up and down cardinal points.





“But Mr. Snow why dem the a’shawo no dance come meet you, why na me that one come meet?” We were on our way home to go warm and eat our beans. We had that afternoon cooked a pot of beans that looked fine when cold but ugly when hot, but the reverse was the case when tasted.



My Iroko was still standing attention when we meet Gift on the way.

“where are you people coming from?” She asked.

“we…… we….. we…..” I stammered.

“we… we went to drink beer at Goldberg”




“and why is your thing standing?”

vickkyruby:
I ate well, waiting for dinner.

There you go

Hot Beans and Agege bread.

“Women of nowadays!!” like my Dad
will always say, “they don’t keep their
sacred hole sacred”

IHate9ja1:
“Women of nowadays!!” like my Dad
will always say, “they don’t keep their
sacred hole sacred”

That's wats up

flow1759:


That's wats up

Its flow baby

flow1759:


There you go

Hot Beans and Agege bread.