August 5th was the birthday of Mr Wole Akeju.

It was a cloudy Saturday afternoon, the Boss stepped out putting on Red and White combination, and in addition to his white beard, he looked like he was from the linage Santa Claus.

Everybody at Wilo Courier Services must be around to celebrate the Birthday in the house.

The Delicacies were numerous, from Moi Moi to Fried Rice to Agidi jellof to Ewa to Paw Paw to Sugar cane, to Apple to Agege bread to Roasted Fish to Buscuits to Ground nut to Gigantic pieces of Meat, to even Chewing gum. And of course the drinks served that day were none alcoholic drinks just because some Pastor friends of Mr Akeju were there present.

I sat in between James and Amos farting from time to time. If only the leather seat could speak, it could have screamed for help.

Even if it screamed, no one would have heard it’s cry because the room was a beehive.



“next week Saturday na my own Birthday” Amos said.

“are you serious!!!”

“yes na, na my birthday be next Saturday”

“hope say you go celebrate am well?” James asked.

“I go celebrate am well for sure, shayoo go plenty”

“Flow you no dey smoke again na, smoke go plenty there” Amos promised.



I had told myself the truth that M’arijuana smokers were liable to die young. The memory of the death of Yona my friend was still fresh in my mind.



Yona smoked more than Chimney, he was the only dealer of M’arijuana that the WHO approved, he was even affiliated to World M’arijuana Association (WMA), as a matter of fact, his house was the WMA liaison Office in Nigeria. He had once told us that he could smoke forty jumbo wraps of weed in a day which we never doubted and that if he dies his friends should cremate his body and smoke the ashes.

And death he got. It was like he saw his death. I foresaw it when he started falling sick every week, but what made me confirmed my curiosity that his sickness was really severe was when his outer skin began to peel off. Since there was no money for major treatment, he was treated with herbs by Baba Ogbomosho’s.


I cried when Yona told us when we went to visit him in his sick bed that he wished he was never a smoker, that we should all quit smoking for our own good. He also told us that we should pray for him he would love to make heaven. Heaven of Smokers I suppose, where there will be angels like Tupac.


I heed to Yona’s advice but Segun never listened; he smoked the more.






“where Segun?” I asked.

“him dey that A’boki place” it was the same A’boki I ran to his shop the other day that Funmi’s Mum caught us in their Matrimonial bed. And the same A’boki I ran to be sheltered because it was raining after I had s’ex with Ife and hid in the wardrobe. In both Occasions, the A’boki had been helpful, but it was in the occasion of the latter that he was more helpful.



As the carpenters came into Ife’s room without knocking, Ife commanded them to get out of her room and go wait until she asked them to come. They sat in the sitting room waiting while I hurriedly dressed up and left the room. As I got to the sitting room, one of the carpenters whispered something to the ears of the other and they both burst into laughter. “wetin dey make this ones laugh?” I asked myself, but as I got outside, I realized why they laughed.


It was raining heavily, so I swiftly ran to the shop of the A’boki for shelter, but again as I got to his shop, he started laughing. “A’boki wetin dey make you laugh na?”, “walahi!! See your trouser”.

That was when I realized I had worn Ife’s trousers that looked like mine.


The jean trouser really looked like mine, and since the room was a bit dark, I wore it without even feeling how tight it was. The worse part of the whole thing was that I even wore the trouser inside out making me look like Winnie the pooh. I tried to reach Ife on phone to tell her to help me bring my trouser, but she never picked. So after the rain, I asked the A’boki to show me a place where I could change to the front of the trouser, he showed me a place at the back of his shop. After I changed, I concluded that the front side was a bite manageable, but as I came out, the A’boki laughed hard saying “see your n’yash”. At that moment, I had been infected by a disease called “Ikebe Super”. That was when it was revealed to me why an a’ssless girl like Ife grew a little a’ss when she wore Jean trousers.

“A'boki stop to dey laugh me na, na condition make me dey like this oh!”

“ok! I no go laugh you again” But he giggled.

He increased the gear of the laughter to gear 5 when I brought out my handkerchief to rub off the the droplets of water on my face.

My handkerchief was something else, it had changed to Ife’s p’anties; the same panties that hung on my face in the wardrobe.

“wayoh!!!! Alah!!!!! Walahi this Ikebe don fut you por trouble, ooooooh oh Ikebe, Ikebe!!!! Ooooooh oh Ikebe!!!!” He sang a Hausa version of the Famous “Ikebe” song by Sunny Nneji.


I walked out of his shop in shame as he ushered me out with the “Ikebe” song. I boarded a bike that took me straight to my doorstep. Seeing that my Dad was in the sitting room, I followed the back door that led to the Kitchen and met with my cousin who started laughing uncontrollably.








We left the crowded sitting room of the Akejus and strolled out to the A’boki’s shop to see Segun smoking weed.

“my priend, my priend!!! Ikebe man!!” The A’boki had invented a new name for me.

“A’boki shebi I don warn you say make you no dey call me that name” I warned.

“Flow why him dey call you Ikebe man?” Segun asked.

“nothing oh, him just start to dey call me name wey I no know of” I lied.

I never wanted anyone to know what I went through in the hands of the dare devils Ife and Funmi, not even Segun who was the crush of both Ladies.



“Flow you go help me write one text message wey I go send give Funmi abeg” Segun pleaded. Segun was so Illiterate a boy that he could barely write a simple text message, but the Ladies Loved him anyway.


“which kind of text message?” I asked.

“text message wey go tell her say I dey sorry, say the girl wey she see me with na my Cousin”


“which girl she see you with sef” Amos asked.

“na Bilikisu oh”

“Bilikisu!!!!!!!” We all shouted at the same time.

“yes na, na Bilikisu” Segun answered.

“no wahala, I go help you compose one nice text” I promised.


“Sege give me igbo make I kiss jor” said Amos.

“me too I go like kiss oh” They all sat to smoke.

Since I had quit smoking and I promised never to return, I left them.



Soon I was in the sitting room munching Apple. I was so much interested in the Apples because since I was born I could count the number of times I had ate Apples; Seven or Eight times, at most Nine times.


I grew up in an environment that saw eating Apples as luxury, while buying Paw Paw in the market was regarded as s’tupidity because Paw Paw was so much in abundance in the Cantonment; it grew like unwanted weed.




“you need Paw Paw” Tolu asked as she passed me the tray of Paw Paw.

“no thank you, I don’t like Paw Paw”.


I had started hating Paw Paw Fruit because my blood stream was full of it. Taking Paw Paw to the cantonment was like taking Coal to Newcastle.
I will never forget eating Paw Paw and Rice, eating Paw Paw and Bread, eating Paw Paw and dried Fish, and my Dad sometimes ate Paw Paw and Kola nut.

“why don’t you like Paw Paw” Tolu asked.

"it is too sugary" I answered.

"but it is highly nutritious" Tolu winked.


Tolu was the last daughter of the Akejus. She was in SS3 at that time. She had very very beautiful friends. She was kind hearted, tall, s’exy, out spoken, pure white eyes and teeth, brilliant, but……………………………





She was an Albino.






If there are two kind of Ladies I can never marry, even if a gun was put to my head, they are……………………………






Albino Ladies and Tribal marked Ladies.




Don’t ask me why.





When we reach there, you go know why.

Emmeritus:
still i pollow:Weldone flow

Weldone Emmeritus, i see you. Thank you for reading.


BTW who will you vote for come next Saturday? and tell me your reasons.

Mr flow. I dey enjoy your flow.

flow1759:



Weldone Emmeritus, i see you. Thank you for reading.


BTW who will you vote for come next Saturday? and tell me your reasons.

Flow, which Voting be dat? Shhe the one wey INEC don postpone you dey talk or otherwise?


BTW, I love your last update real well. Kudos to you. Keep flowin!

Oga flow gud morning tnks for d update n I love ur story

And stiLl I flow! FAnta

flow you don finish me with laughter
female trouser and female pant

flow1759:



Weldone Emmeritus, i see you. Thank you for reading.


BTW who will you vote for come next Saturday? and tell me your reasons.

dem don postpone election na

Emmeritus:
dem don postpone election na

I just heard so

where is my friend foxy?

Mr plow i dey pollow you well well.

F---- for flow who can make u flow to point that flowing will became part of u. flow has made my flow to be flowing with others that has come across him while he was flowing in nairaland "man way dey reason" to IBO boy who like yourba girl. and now is flowing and slowing at the same time like me. But flow na the part where your johnbull the act I dey like pass because u go flow am like say we dey watch when the act is going on. Please guys who can tell me how many babes flow johnbull down float inside since you know am? flow keep flowing as I dey put my 1789 for my mouth big guy. ;DF---- for flow who can make u flow to point that flowing will became part of u. flow has made my flow to be flowing with others that has come across him while he was flowing in nairaland "man way dey reason" to IBO boy who like yourba girl. and now is flowing and slowing at the same time like me. But flow na the part where your johnbull the act I dey like pass because u go flow am like say we dey watch when the act is going on. Please guys who can tell me how many babes flow johnbull down float inside since you know am? flow keep flowing as I dey put my 1789 for my mouth big guy.

F---- for flow who can make u flow to point that flowing will became part of u. flow has made my flow to be flowing with others that has come across him while he was flowing in nairaland "man way dey reason" to IBO boy who like yourba girl. and now is flowing and snowing at the same time like me. But flow na the part where your johnbull the act I dey like pass because u go flow am like say we dey watch when the act is going on. Please guys who can tell me how many babes flow johnbull down float inside since you know am? flow keep flowing as I dey put my 1789 for my mouth big guy. Na your boy from another barrack close to MP gate lol. keep it strong and hot.

I had always dreamt of being a billionaire like Bassey and company, or better still Uba and Company.


“oboy how much you chop for Nairabet?” Jame asked as we left the office.

“na just 4k”

“eeeh make we go drink beer for Mama Sikiru place na” He suggested.

“how many bottle you wan drink?” I was ready to offer him as much as 5 bottles, i was celebrating being saved by the bell.

“oboy na just 2 I want oh, and maybe one more for the road, I no well” The “I no well” cliche had stuck to the tongue of virtually all of us, including Kel.





“oboy you see as Kel for put me for wahala?” I narrated my ordeal with Kel to James, erasing some part i wanted his ears not to hear.

“oboy eeeeh!! No be small thing oh”

“guy I go organize boys make them flog her well well”




Kel had almost caused me my job, and my head also.


I went to the Registrar company that gave us jobs to collect some parcels to be delivered by our company the next day, little did I know I carried parcels without envelopes. I got to the office and Kel was like: “Mr Peter, are you sure you went to school?”

“what is the meaning of that?” I asked.

“Are you sure you are not a dummy?” Kel sounded abusive.

“what? What insult!!”

“I mean, it is only a Mumu that will go to collect Parcels without checking if there were envelopes enclosed”

“come this girl, why you dey insult me, I be your mate!!!” She was my age mate for sure, but a boy is always older than a girl; like my grand mum always said.

“you can’t be my mate, I am never mates with I’mbeciles like you!!!!”

“you call me an I’mbecile!!! I go beat yo……….."

”you can’t do more than a dead rat” She threatened.


Since I could do more even Ten dead rats, I raised my hand to give her a dirty slap. She burst into tears instantly, making my hand to hang on the air.


“ooooooh!!!! Shebi your mouth dey sharp!!! I never beat you you don dey cry”

“I will call Oga and tell him that you are beating me” She threatened.

“call am now, him na God?” I brought down my hanging right hand.

“ok!! I will tell him that you slapped and kicked me”

“lie lie!!! I no slap you oh!! I no kick you oh” I was a little bit fidgety.

“you slapped me!!!” She argued.



She picked up her phone and started dialing Mr Wole’s Number, and something told me that moment that the call was going through, two things would be involved if that call had went through; either I lose my job, or I ended up in the Police station for laying hands on a woman; a weaker virtue like my Boss always said, little wonder his creator gave him all "weaker virtues" as children.


Mr Wole Akeju had always kicked against abusing women not to talk of beating them, what baffled me was that he never practiced what he preached when it came to his wife. But he did when it came to his children.


I will never forget the day, James was locked behind bars just because he told Funmi : “you must be s'tupid for telling me all my reports are bad”

Funmi gave him two hot slaps that sent him spinning like a Big wheel. As James was about to send his "cheek cracking" slap to Funmi, I and Amos held him and dragged him out. He promised to throw us both from upstairs if we don't leave him to retaliate, even as I saw he had the muscular strength to do so, I still held him tight while the coward Amos freed him due to fear. ”Amos hold am na!!! make our two hold am na, abi you want make him go back inside go slap that girl!!” I wanted Amos to join me otherwise I ended up downstairs with dislocated bones.





I and Amos left James for our houses because James threatened to stab us with a very sharp wood he held if we came close to him.




I was told, when Mr Akeju arrived to the office, Funmi told him all what happened, garnishing the story with sweet lies. Before then, I had pleaded with James for him to quickly leave the office premises and go get fortress in the Cantonment as the Police would have no jurisdiction there, he refused, saying he would wait downstairs at Mama Sikiru’s Bar until Funmi comes down and he would deal with her mercilessly. He waited at the Bar drinking for ages as Funmi remained upstairs with the office door locked. It didn’t take the Police a long time to locate him as Kel had already informed them before they came that the guy in question was putting on a Red shirt and that he was at the Bar downstairs drinking and watching TV at the same time. Kel gave out all the needed information for James to be arrested not only because she so much hated the person of James, but also because the Boss rained fire and brimstone when he arrived, and the already drunk James never sighted him when he drove in and walked upstairs.

James held a bottle of Big Alomo when he was arrested, so i was told.







“I will tell him you slapped me twice, and kicked me three times” She had started dialing.


“plssssssss! Don’t call him” I collected the phone from her and hung up the call. But it seemed Mr Wole had already picked, so he called back immediately.



“Kel, what is the problem?” The caller asked.

“eeeeeeeeh!!!!” I tried to figure how best I could change my voice not only to sound like a female's but to also sound perfectly like that of Kel.


“Sir, no problem, I just want to tell you Peter has brought the parcels” I got her voice perfectly. Or so I thought.

“is that why you flashed me?”

“I flashed because I had no much airtime to call”

“So you have finished all the 750 naira card I gave you yesterday?”

“no Sir………”

“no what? So I will load your phone and you will use it to call your numerous boyfriends abi?”

“which Boyfriend!!!” The shock made me mistakenly changed my voice back to its original state.

“give me my phone oh!!!!” Kel shouted at the background on hearing “boyfriend”.

I swiftly put my hands on her mouth to shut her up.

“whose phone are you using?” Mr Wole asked.

“eeeeehn, nobody, it’s the TV” I had forgotten the Tv in the office was bad.

“Kel!! Is this you? why is your voice sounding like this?” He was suspecting it wasn't Kel speaking.

“it’s me Sir, I have cold, and catarrh and it is affecting my voice” I had forgotten it was dry season.

“ok, did Peter bring the complete parcels?” he asked.

“yes I did…………. Sorry, yes he did” I almost messed up everything.

“but he didn’t bring the envelopes, he forgot it there”

“what b’astard!!! Tell the I’diot to fly there now and get the envelopes before closing hour, or else he is dead, ok?”

"He is dead" meant my job was gone.

"is that clear?"

“yes sir!!!!” He angrily hung up.




Since I had no wings to fly, I pleaded with Kel to lend me money for transport as the money with me would not be enough to take me half way to Surulere.





“before I will give you any money you must kneel down and apologize for wanting to beat me”

“no wahala!!! If na that one, I go do am” I knelt down and pleaded none stop.

“ok, now that you are kneeling down, I want you to do as the Nursery pupil would, I want you to raise up your both hands and close your eyes”


I did exactly as she commanded, seizing my breathe in addition.



“this is the money, but, One more thing!!! I want you to take off your trousers”

“for what na!!!” I yelled.

“for what abi? For the fact that if I call Oga and tell him you beat me so much, you will end up in the police net” She picked up her phone to call.






“sorry na!!! don’t call him, I will do it”

“that’s my boy!!!”



“not only that, I want you to also remove your boxers, I want to see how big your p’enis have grew since I last saw it”




“what!!! Why na!!! but but but!! Someone might be watching”

“common!!! you and I know there is no one else in this office but the two of us”

“or do you want me to call him?”

I wanted to answer “yes call him”, but as I glanced at the wall clock and saw that the time was 3:49 and it would take me some 2hours to get to Surulere all things being equal, and also that I needed to get the envelopes to the office that day come what may, I agreed.


I agreed to allow her see how big my Qatara depression was.





To my greatest surprise, as i removed my dirty but "not smelling" boxers, my Qatara depression was really really depressed.



“hahahahha!! Nwanyi Ofe m’manu emela otu gi k’odi ntii” She spoke in Igbo as she carresed the cap of the Qatara depression. But it still remained depressed.


***For none Igbos, she said Funmi was the cause of my depressed “Chairman”***




“you had better leave that girl Funmi, or you will wake up one morning and find out that you have no p’enis again, hahahahahahaha!” She laughed.




Talk of the Devil, then she came opening the door without knocking.

jditimiya:
F---- for flow who can make u flow to point that flowing will became part of u. flow has made my flow to be flowing with others that has come across him while he was flowing in nairaland "man way dey reason" to IBO boy who like yourba girl. and now is flowing and snowing at the same time like me. But flow na the part where your johnbull the act I dey like pass because u go flow am like say we dey watch when the act is going on. Please guys who can tell me how many babes flow johnbull down float inside since you know am? flow keep flowing as I dey put my 1789 for my mouth big guy. Na your boy from another barrack close to MP gate lol. keep it strong and hot.

jditimiya, you be correct.

i wish we could met.

have anybody seen foxyflow my friend?

Still you flow,keep on flowing.

flow1759:
have anybody seen foxyflow my friend?

Dont tell me you dont have his digits,person wey una do collabo together?

Realgana:

Dont tell me you dont have his digits,person wey una do collabo together?

I had it, but my phone have been stolen twice since then.

flow1759:
have anybody seen foxyflow my friend?

Na wa oh... Oya, here is my digit... 07017330864

flow1759:


I had it, but my phone have been stolen twice since then.

No wonder.We go help you search for am even if it takes to going to sambissa.

Nice work am feeling this

flow1759:


I had it, but my phone have been stolen twice since then.

Flow meen where you go hide since??Na wa ooo

1miccza:


Flow meen where you go hide since??Na wa ooo

See me here

FoxyFlow:


Na wa oh... Oya, here is my digit... 07017330864

Ok, i got it, i will give you a call

flow1759:


See me here

How far?send your digits now I change phone abeg maybe mail abeg

There was a guy named Sola.

He was formerly in charge of the of Wilo Security company, then he was posted to join us even though he wasn’t a novice when it came to delivery of parcels.

He was representing our company in First Lead Registrar company; therefore he was given an office there, so one Peter would never make the mistake of collecting Parcels without Envelopes. His Duty was to make sure our deliveries are collected and sent to their destination as quick as possible.

Sola was a typical “suffer head” fellow, he worked almost round the clock for Mr Akeju just to earn 50k per month. Half of his Salary went to transportation as Surulere was far from where he stayed, and the other half went to Kel.




Wilo Security company was a Big security company based in Lagos that secured the premises of big conglomerates and small "one man businesses". I had once appealed to our boss to teach the security boys Martial arts, he refused, saying he couldn’t pay, unless it was free.

What wondered me so much was why Wilo security company had more hungry looking skinny boys than bot bellied security boys.

I call them boys because they couldn’t even chase a cockroach not to talk of chasing thieves.


Talking of thieves and I remember Amobi.

Amobi kicked the bucket in a rather gory way. He was the only one on duty one night in a store of Cement in Oshodi. Amobi was stabbed as he tried to resist the men on black from robbing the store of some bags of cement. Amobi was matcheted from all part of his body; left, right and centre, I wondered the kind of machete that was used to slice him like sliced bread.



I could barely recognize it was Amobi, as it was like his body swam in the pool of his own blood. We got to know about his death when one afternoon……………………………….







“hello!!! Who am I speaking to?” We were at the office when our Boss received a call.


“what!!! What happened to him”

“who killed him?”

“when?”

“how” My Boss asked so many questions.





After the call: “Amobi have been killed by Armed robbers” Mr Akeju informed.

“what!!!!” I left my mouth ajar.






Amobi was my friend indeed. The friend I ran to when I was broke, the friend that taught me how to swim. I will never forget the day I was almost eaten by mermaids when I visited Amobi’s Village somewhere in Oguta one Christmas period.

It was a hot afternoon so Amobi suggested we go swimming. I told him I knew not how to swim but he insisted we go offering to teach me if I was willing to learn. I was willing to learn indeed but a bit scared. We got to his Village River and he first of all informed me the River had so many mermaids but that the mermaids were mild.

I agreed to be tutored by Amobi, so the swimming class began. Before then, I had told Amobi I had no swimming trunk, so he suggested we go buy one from the woman that sold such near the river. What I wore as swimming trunk looked like what Pinky wore in “the pinky and the Brain” cartoon series.

“guy this your p’ant fine oh” Amobi said gibberish.

“which kin fine?”

"see b'lockus oh!!!! hahahahaha!" some guys that were also swimming laughed at me. And some girls also.


Swimming lessons had gone half way with the p’ant I wore swaying to the left revealing my Fish Roll wholly, and I thought I saw a Fish came to take a bite of my “Big hot Fish Roll”. I looked again to see what I saw wasn’t a Fish but some sea weeds..

“Amobi eeeeeh!! My p’rick don hang ohh!!!” I cried.

“wetin hang you p’rick na, abeg swim dey follow me jor!!!”

“you dey craze, I dey tell you say my p’rick don hang, you dey tell me say make I dey swim dey come, abi I go swim without my p’rick?!!”

“oboy comot your p’rick for this water oh, this Mami Water dem dey like boys wey get big p’rick oh, and I know say you get big p’rick”

“you dey craze” I cursed.

“you think say I dey lie abi?” My p’enis was now free and i thanked God.

I was free but not permanently. I never knew the mermaids had taken a picture of my Fish roll and they needed to take a bite each.






“oboy make your leg go up and make your hand dey move like this” He showed me how to learn swimming easier.






20 minutes and I had really learnt a lot.

“ok I go go stay for down down, you go swim come meet me there, you hear?” He went too far.

“oboy e don do na, that place wey you dey dey too far oh”

“try na, you go fit do am” He cheered me.

I never knew he was encouraging me to my grave.

“oboy I no fit come abeg jor” I discouraged myself.

“kia!!!!! you be big boy, swim come jor”.


I had drank about 40litres of the salt water when I realized I was drowning, it was like someone was dragging my both legs; a mermaid i guessed.

The number of mermaids dragging my leg increased to about two thousand, it was like a whole battalion of Mami waters were after my Fish roll.


“Lord take my hands!!!” I stretched out my right hand to my maker. He grabbed my hands to rescue me as I was about breathing my last.





It was after I was brought out of the water and after i threw up about 72 liters of what looked like a combination of Kerosene and Water that I realized it was actually Amobi that saved me; Amobi and some good swimmers friends of his.


“so Amobi don go”

“Amobi ana!!!!!!”

“Amobi Nlo!!!!!!!!” We all exclamated.

“I must get to the root of this!!!! I must find out who killed Amobi”




Few minutes of gloomy quietness, the Boss suddenly sent I and Segun on a rather absurd errand.



“Peter you and Segun should go and deposit the Body because the caller told me it already stinks, while I and kel go and report the incident to the Police”







“them dey deposit dead body for bank?” Segun the Illiterate

1miccza:


How far?send your digits now I change phone abeg maybe mail abeg

Wetin you need am for na?

flow1759:


Wetin you need am for na?

You don forget person wey u dey chat with well that's cool...

1miccza:


You don forget person wey u dey chat with well that's cool...

I no forget you Na. The thing be say e get person wey been wan do me wayo because I give am my number for this site. OK no wahala, I go give u. Pm me

Keep the good work going
It will be nice if you can update 4 times a day

Good work flow keep it going