it isn't about the washing machine, it's about how some men want their wives totally dependent on them. They want to be your alpha and omega. They want to be in total control. All men have it, but the level of how bad it is varies from one man to another.

My mum handled my dad in a smart manner when she wanted new pots and he was taking forever to replace them. She simply kept quiet, cooked a great meal, then when she was done, used her hand to deliberately hold one hot corner of her old pot. My dad came home to meet a clean home, well-behaved kids, a great meal and his pretty wife sniffing and quietly holding her tears in a brave matyr's mien (my mama can act ; D ).

Guess who got new pots?

If that lady had tried that with her boss (going above his head on a matter), even if she was right, her boss will lambast her for trying to supersede his/her authority.

It's just a way of managing people.

Men want to feel like they are your providers and defenders. Yes, they have pride and ego, they must learn to control it, but don't keep challenging it and for goodness' sake don't nag about what you want.

Onegai:
it isn't about the washing machine, it's about how some men want their wives totally dependent on them. They want to be your alpha and omega. They want to be in total control. All men have it, but the level of how bad it is varies from one man to another.

My mum handled my dad in a smart manner when she wanted new pots and he was taking forever to replace them. She simply kept quiet, cooked a great meal, then when she was done, used her hand to deliberately hold one hot corner of her old pot. My dad came home to meet a clean home, well-behaved kids, a great meal and his pretty wife sniffing and quietly holding her tears in a brave matyr's mien (my mama can act ; D ).

Guess who got new pots?

If that lady had tried that with her boss (going above his head on a matter), even if she was right, her boss will lambast her for trying to supersede his/her authority.

It's just a way of managing people.

Men want to feel like they are your providers and defenders. Yes, they have pride and ego, they must learn to control it, but don't keep challenging it and for goodness' sake don't nag about what you want.

If she could afford the new pots herself,she should have simply gone out and bought them,no need to ask for permission to replace her pots and pans.
Most women in today's world don't
That's why no woman should be a housewife asking for money to buy sanitary pad sef

.

babyosisi:



If she could afford the new pots herself,she should have simply gone out and bought them,no need to ask for permission to replace her pots and pans.
Most women in today's world don't
That's why no woman should be a housewife asking for money to buy sanitary pad sef

Lol. My mum was a big importer in Nigeria during that period. She had the money, handled contracts, sold lace to all the first wives and owned property in Lagos, Benin and some other places (and rarely had our time). There's no society woman she didn't know (I wish I could mention the names of people who even taught her how to speak Yoruba, they are the ones in charge of both political parties in the country).

It wasn't about the money. She could have bought a million pots. And continued to flex muscles to an annoyed husband. It is never about the money. I learned the hard way with my hubby.

Even a white guy who does counselling told me "it's not about your fancy degree, how many languages you speak and how accomplished you are, it's about how you make a man feel".

I don't know any graduate who hammered like my mum.

Onegai:


Lol. My mum was a big importer in Nigeria during that period. She had the money, handled contracts, sold lace to all the first wives and owned property in Lagos, Benin and some other places (and rarely had our time). There's no society woman she didn't know (I wish I could mention the names of people who even taught her how to speak Yoruba, they are the ones in charge of both political parties in the country).

It wasn't about the money. She could have bought a million pots. And continued to flex muscles to an annoyed husband. It is never about the money. I learned the hard way with my hubby.

Even a white guy who does counselling told me "it's not about your fancy degree, how many languages you speak and how accomplished you are, it's about how you make a man feel".

I don't know any graduate who hammered like my mum.

So what was the problem.how is it that such an intelligent woman would beg to buy pots .Did he control all her funds

babyosisi:


So what was the problem.how is it that such an intelligent woman would beg to buy pots .Did he control all her funds

He controlled nothing. Mama Onegai is independently wealthy in her own right. Property in her name, but her cooking pots to feed her husband came from him.

But ask your husband, if you have asked him to provide you with something, he didn't do it according to your schedule and you went and bought it yourself...

Ask him how he will feel.

Perhaps also ask your mum.

I believe This is where moca's bend theory comes into play

The wife should have known What ticks her hubby by now

One man/woman's food is another's poison

prissyluv:

Ok. I hope this will suffice.
My cousin once told me a story of how the husband asked her to return the washing machine she bought. The reason was that she told her husband that they needed a washing machine and she is ready to buy one. The hubby told her that he had it in mind too but that she should give her sometime that he has some projects at hand. She told her husband that she has some money with her which will be enough to buy it,the man said no that she should keep the money. Few weeks later,she reminded the husband about it,he told her calmly and nicely that she should not bother that he will get it.
After some weeks,my cousin couldnt wait again. She went ahead and bought the washing machine. Then,the wahala. The hubby asked her to return it to where she bought it from. Lol
It took the intervention of her brother in-law for the washing machine to sleep in that house.

So,I want to know the level of obedience needed in a marriage. Are wives suppose to obey their husbands in all things?

Imagine this husband creating drama where there is none? Instead of acting like an infant, why didn't he just reimburse her the money she spent since it's such a big deal for him?

Your cousin even tried that she waited so many weeks when she already had the money. Just like Moca said, me I would have long bought it and moved on from the matter since.

So, not only can I not buy things with my money, I also have to wait till whenever he feels moved to finally buy me what I need, no matter how many weeks it takes? As if that's not enough, I also have to expend energy devising self injurious schemes to get him to buy me what I can easily and willingly buy for myself? I don't think so.

Onegai:


He controlled nothing. Mama Onegai is independently wealthy in her own right. Property in her name, but her cooking pots to feed her husband came from him.

But ask your husband, if you have asked him to provide you with something, he didn't do it according to your schedule and you went and bought it yourself...

Ask him how he will feel.

Perhaps also ask your mum.

Sorry I have to say it here in the spirit of this thread so no one gets the impression that this is acceptable behavior
It's not
I have never seen or heard of a man who takes notice let alone cares about the pot his Okro and Ogbono soup came from
He is controlling,extremely controlling
That is not how to treat a woman you love
I hope when you get married,it won't be to someone who will subject you to schemes and devices to get ordinary pots bought
Things a man shouldn't be concerned about in the first place
If she had the means she could have simply gone to the market and bought herself some new cooking pots
That is a woman's territory

ileobatojo:




So, not only can I not buy things with my money, I also have to wait till whenever he feels moved to finally buy me what I need, no matter how many weeks it takes? As if that's not enough, I also have to expend energy devising self injurious schemes to get him to buy me what I can easily and willingly buy for myself? I don't think so.

Na wa

BabyO i have a problem

I met these three sisters, all pretty, all intelligent and well broought up from a good home. In the spirit of fairness I decided to date them all. I've been discreet so far and theyve been happy, which is my goal.
Now they've discovered that im dating them all and they are mad.

All i did was try to make them happy, and i was succeeding, now they are upset and they are blaming me for their unhappiness. This is how they pay me back for my kindness

What do i do next?

Onegai:


He controlled nothing. Mama Onegai is independently wealthy in her own right. Property in her name, but her cooking pots to feed her husband came from him.

But ask your husband, if you have asked him to provide you with something, he didn't do it according to your schedule and you went and bought it yourself...

Ask him how he will feel.

Perhaps also ask your mum.

Madam Abeg chop knuckle!!!

babyosisi:


Sorry I have to say it here in the spirit of this thread so no one gets the impression that this is acceptable behavior
It's not
I have never seen or heard of a man who takes notice let alone care about the pot his Okro and Ogbono soup came from
He is controlling,extremely controlling
That is not how to treat a woman you love
I hope when you get married,it won't be to someone who will subject you to schemes and devices to get ordinary pots bought
Things a man shouldn't be concerned about in the first place
If she had the means she could have simply gone to the market and bought herself some new cooking pots
That is a woman's territory

But ma, I think we have to recognize the fact that life is dynamic & comes in different shades

The most important thing should be finding out what works for you. I believe in the bid to fit into the norm, trouble will come

I know of two family friends, their husbands does the shopping, I don't mean grocery shopping o, your typical market, bargaining for meat & Maggie & the likes, is this normal? (If its about education, one of them is a charactered account with a reputable firm, though he is late)

I don't mean occasional shopping, it is what they do, their wives don't go to the market

here on NL, alot of folks clamor for separation on the event of cheating & physical abuse. There are women that endured such for 5, 10yrs & later things changed while for some it didn't end well

using myself as an example, there was lots of wrestle mania in my home while growing up but at a point it all stopped, until my dad's demise they clocked 35yrs of being married, the first 10yrs being full of fights. meaning the next 25yrs was that of bliss, if my mum had packed out within the first 10yrs nko, maybe I won't be here today

It is everyone's prayer that the evening stage of our lives should be better than the morning stage, is the above example not an answer to such prayer.

I'm not an advocate for assault/cheating, but stuff happens, folks are talking about men cheating & cleaning their tracks, we have had cases of men who brought another lady to their matrimonial beds while madam was at home!! Some endured & it later worked out for them, for others it didn't.

The key is to find out what works for you & not trying to copy the norm or the jones, in life there are so many things that are not supposed to be but they end up being so!!

nannymcphee:



But ma, I think we have to recognize the fact that life is dynamic & comes in different shades

The most important thing should be finding out what works for you. I believe in the bid to fit into the norm, trouble will come

I know of two family friends, their husbands does the shopping, I don't mean grocery shopping o, your typical market, bargaining for meat & Maggie & the likes, is this normal? (If its about education, one of them is a charactered account with a reputable firm, though he is late)

I don't mean occasional shopping, it is what they do, their wives don't go to the market

here on NL, alot of folks clamor for separation on the event of cheating & physical abuse. There are women that endured such for 5, 10yrs & later things changed while for some it didn't end well

using myself as an example, there was lots of wrestle mania in my home while growing up but at a point it all stopped, until my dad's demise they clocked 35yrs of being married, the first 10yrs being full of fights. meaning the next 25yrs was that of bliss, if my mum had packed out within the first 10yrs nko, maybe I won't be here today

It is everyone's prayer that the evening stage of our lives should be better than the morning stage, is the above example not an answer to such prayer.

I'm not an advocate for assault/cheating, but stuff happens, folks are talking about men cheating & cleaning their tracks, we have had cases of men who brought another lady to their matrimonial beds while madam was at home!! Some endured & it later worked out for them, for others it didn't.

The key is to find out what works for you & not trying to copy the norm or the jones, in life there are so many things that are not supposed to be but they end up being so!!

What if one of them killed the other within the first 10yrs?

Even in Christian counseling, sometimes the norm isn't followed. Someone mentioned how the pastor instructed her to apologize to the husband for snooping around his phone, his crime was no longer the issue but her checking the phone

The pastor got insults,Someone else here had the same issue & her parents asked her to apologize, the truth is we here are the ones without privy background info, we are screaming based on the norm but the pastor & the other lady's parent are the one with specific knowledge of the couple or circumstances & I believe they judged accordingly

Just to digress a little, some folks see no need to seek counsel from a pastor before getting married(am not talking about see vision & the future) forgetting that the pastor probably know the person more than u or a certain challenge that the person has that u don't even know of & when it comes to light it might not be something u can handle

An individual might have some spiritual issues or even physical challenges & maybe he or she is currently being helped or counseled by a leader, knowing how big that issue is & that the person hasn't over come it, out of the blues the individual comes up to say I want to get married, if you are the minister, will you give ur blessing?

back to the issue, what works for A might not work for B, mama onegai had every reason to challenge papa onegai over the pot issue cos as rightly pointed that was supposed to be a woman's territory, but she knew what rocks the husbands boat & chose to act according to Oga's dictates. At the End of day, Papa onegai ego was massaged as The Lord,master & sole provider while mama onegai got her new pots!! (No wrestle mania, no Inlaw to settle any matter)


lets pray to God for us to find the easy path & that which will work for us!!

toshmann:
BabyO i have a problem

I met these three sisters, all pretty, all intelligent and well broought up from a good home. In the spirit of fairness I decided to date them all. I've been discreet so far and theyve been happy, which is my goal.
Now they've discovered that im dating them all and they are mad.

All i did was try to make them happy, and i was succeeding, now they are upset and they are blaming me for their unhappiness. This is how they pay me back for my kindness

What do i do next?

It should be what should they do next?They should get your a** whipped!
This happens when sisters don't talk to each other.

cococandy:


What if one of them killed the other within the first 10yrs?

Good question!! It would have ended bad for my father & us the kids

My point being it worked out for us & for some other it won't.. My point being if you give up just because it doesn't fit the norm, you might loose out

I was dumbfounded when I read about ladies who got infected with HIV by their husbands, these women probably followed the norm & ended up infected but I also believe they would have also done some things to prevent such(like mandatory test or the use of condom)

I know there are exceptions but most times ladies do know when their husbands are cheating but they choose to turn a blind eye, infact before the wedding they always knew but felt they could manage or change him

so if you are married to a cheat, kindly discuss with him & give him conditions such as the tests & conforms etc cos its only God that can make a cheat turn around or a man with strong principles & convictions

No amount of war will make him change, you will end up pushing him out the more, so it pays to knows your spouses inclination before marriage, most men don't hide it, there are statements they make that will give u a hint

I really didn't get your point.

But it is ok.

nannymcphee:


Good question!! It would have ended bad for my father & us the kids

My point being it worked out for us & for some other it won't.. My point being if you give up just because it doesn't fit the norm, you might loose out

I was dumbfounded when I read about ladies who got infected with HIV by their husbands, these women probably followed the norm & ended up infected but I also believe they would have also done some things to prevent such(like mandatory test or the use of condom)

I know there are exceptions but most times ladies do know when their husbands are cheating but they choose to turn a blind eye, infact before the wedding they always knew but felt they could manage or change him

so if you are married to a cheat, kindly discuss with him & give him conditions such as the tests & conforms etc cos its only God that can make a cheat turn around or a man with strong principles & convictions

No amount of war will make him change, you will end up pushing him out the more, so it pays to knows your spouses inclination before marriage, most men don't hide it, there are statements they make that will give u a hint

cococandy:
I really didn't get your point.

But it is ok.

My point is, if things aren't working out or following the norm, don't just jump ship

Fight & slug it out, find out ways to make it work by either changing the situation or managing it without it being at ur detriment, above all patience & perseverance & an understanding of who you are with

nannymcphee:



But ma, I think we have to recognize the fact that life is dynamic & comes in different shades

The most important thing should be finding out what works for you. I believe in the bid to fit into the norm, trouble will come

I know of two family friends, their husbands does the shopping, I don't mean grocery shopping o, your typical market, bargaining for meat & Maggie & the likes, is this normal? (If its about education, one of them is a charactered account with a reputable firm, though he is late)

I don't mean occasional shopping, it is what they do, their wives don't go to the market

here on NL, alot of folks clamor for separation on the event of cheating & physical abuse. There are women that endured such for 5, 10yrs & later things changed while for some it didn't end well

using myself as an example, there was lots of wrestle mania in my home while growing up but at a point it all stopped, until my dad's demise they clocked 35yrs of being married, the first 10yrs being full of fights. meaning the next 25yrs was that of bliss, if my mum had packed out within the first 10yrs nko, maybe I won't be here today

It is everyone's prayer that the evening stage of our lives should be better than the morning stage, is the above example not an answer to such prayer.

I'm not an advocate for assault/cheating, but stuff happens, folks are talking about men cheating & cleaning their tracks, we have had cases of men who brought another lady to their matrimonial beds while madam was at home!! Some endured & it later worked out for them, for others it didn't.

The key is to find out what works for you & not trying to copy the norm or the jones, in life there are so many things that are not supposed to be but they end up being so!!

When you talk about what works,there ought to be standards.A man brings another woman to the house(on the matrimonial bed),in the presence of the wife and she still sits there?
A man is blatantly cheating on his wife such that she even sees his girlfriends and there is evidence of sleeping with them and she still sits there?
I work in a hospital and know how many women come to the hospital and find out they are HIV positive when they come for antenatal screening.I have also seen quite a no of cases admitted for injuries sustained from domestic abuse.Yes many of them stay put because it's 'working' for them?
I have a friend who worked in the same office with the Arowolo banker lady that was murdered by her husband.She said there were quite a number of times she came with bruises or facial swellings.She often said it was bike accident.She was probably trying to save her marriage but THIS did not work.

babyosisi:


Sorry I have to say it here in the spirit of this thread so no one gets the impression that this is acceptable behavior
It's not
I have never seen or heard of a man who takes notice let alone care about the pot his Okro and Ogbono soup came from
He is controlling,extremely controlling
That is not how to treat a woman you love
I hope when you get married,it won't be to someone who will subject you to schemes and devices to get ordinary pots bought
Things a man shouldn't be concerned about in the first place
If she had the means she could have simply gone to the market and bought herself some new cooking pots
That is a woman's territory

My dear, I am married. He made me breakfast in bed, I even have pictures. We're a mature couple.

A controlling man will slap his wife for buying that machine.

A regular guy will keep quiet and realise his wife likes to undermine his authority.

Let me know when your boss applauds you for doing something he had already told you he would take care of. Even my last female boss reamed my arse for doing that last year (and I was totally right).

I spent my 20s thinking feminism was fighting every man and be able to step on his toes confidently. On 3 different continents. In my 30s, I realised true power and equality came from being the Tinubu, not the Buhari.

This case was washing machine, me I did worse when it was my turn. He (a Ph. D from an ivy league who is very modern) loved my independence when he met me (i was a chick with an investor on standby to protect my financial assets 2 months before the Nig govt started announcing how oil prices were affecting the economy. I redefined the word Independent) but couldn't live with it when I constantly made him feel I didn't need him for Jack and could call all the shots (my territory was his whole life, not just the kitchen. And they were all great ideas!). We couldn't live with each other and called off our wedding when I was expecting (I honestly wish I could tell my story). Anyone who tried to control me would have died in the process.

I simply started letting him be my knight in shining armour. He's the one who always wants to wear his wedding ring now.

Men want to see your eyes light up happily when they provide for you. It grows their ego and they spend the rest of their lives trying to constantly please you. And they really hate you undermining their authority.

if that wife, in the few weeks she had after asking him again, had baffed up, fixed her nails, looked good and smelled nice, been wonderful in bed and On the appointed day, let that man come home to see her with her nails chipped, sweaty and tired my saying "I washed all the clothes I'm so exhausted".

She would have gotten a washer and dryer. A correct one, more expensive than what she budgeted.

You need to meet one of my older sisters. She's the worst bully in the world and yet has her hubby wrapped round her little finger. And he is happy being there.

nannymcphee:


My point is, if things aren't working out or following the norm, don't just jump ship

Fight & slug it out, find out ways to make it work by either changing the situation or managing it without it being at ur detriment, above all patience & perseverance & an understanding of who you are with

So basically even if violence is involved, you advise them to slug it out.
I'm sorry I do not agree with you. I've seen two women I knew die in a violent marriage. I KNEW THEM.
The last one was pretty recent I created a thread for it the morning that it happened with my former moniker just to vent. That was how upset I was that day.

I've read about countless others.

I don't make excuses for violence or advise anyone to take chances. The first time could be the fatal one.
If it isn't, the next one might be. When is it ok to leave? When you've lost a limb or gone blind or in coma for a week? When it is clear the aggressor means business?

Yea yea some people make it out alive. Their tormentor gets tired of beating on them and stops, so they continue on with a life devoid of the beatings and delude themselves that they are happy.

Or if the partner is a serial philanderer,they spend the best years of the marriage crying themselves to sleep everyday,treating STDs and living fear of the mother of all STDs. When the philanderer gets tired of playing around and wasted his/her better years,they come crashing home to an anguished partner who (if they follow your line of thought) believes they've won something.

I believe in sticking together during hard times but not one person is unrepentantly flouting the laws guiding the Union.

nannymcphee:
Even in Christian counseling, sometimes the norm isn't followed. Someone mentioned how the pastor instructed her to apologize to the husband for snooping around his phone, his crime was no longer the issue but her checking the phone

The pastor got insults,Someone else here had the same issue & her parents asked her to apologize, the truth is we here are the ones without privy background info, we are screaming based on the norm but the pastor & the other lady's parent are the one with specific knowledge of the couple or circumstances & I believe they judged accordingly

Just to digress a little, some folks see no need to seek counsel from a pastor before getting married(am not talking about see vision & the future) forgetting that the pastor probably know the person more than u or a certain challenge that the person has that u don't even know of & when it comes to light it might not be something u can handle

An individual might have some spiritual issues or even physical challenges & maybe he or she is currently being helped or counseled by a leader, knowing how big that issue is & that the person hasn't over come it, out of the blues the individual comes up to say I want to get married, if you are the minister, will you give ur blessing?

back to the issue, what works for A might not work for B, mama onegai had every reason to challenge papa onegai over the pot issue cos as rightly pointed that was supposed to be a woman's territory, but she knew what rocks the husbands boat & chose to act according to Oga's dictates. At the End of day, Papa onegai ego was massaged as The Lord,master & sole provider while mama onegai got her new pots!! (No wrestle mania, no Inlaw to settle fight)

lets pray to God for us to find the easy path & that which will work for us!!

This.

Mama Onegai just wanted to change a few pots. She could have bought them, he would have noticed eventually and kept quiet. But she wanted to reinforce that idea her hubby is to constantly care and provide for her. He ended up getting new expensive pots, fine China, silver dinnerware from Italy and all sorts.

Do you really wanna win the battle and lose the war?

After all, Esther in the bible could have confronted the king rightfully in his throne room with "please we need to talk. There's a plot afoot to commit genocide against my people and I have identified the people involved in it. Please fix this" or even better she could have had those men gotten rid of herself.

Instead, she threw her king a feast. And besought him in tears to do the needful.

You're going to submit to a man one day, better pick one worthy of your kneeling. The power is a woman's hand to pick a king, so choose wisely. Not every man deserves the honour of your company. And when you do give it to him, let him be your king.

Onegai:


My dear, I am married. He made me breakfast in bed, I even have pictures. We're a mature couple.

A controlling man will slap his wife for buying that machine.

A regular guy will keep quiet and realise his wife likes to undermine his authority.

Let me know when your boss applauds you for doing something he had already told you he would take care of. Even my last female boss reamed my arse for doing that last year (and I was totally right).

I spent my 20s thinking feminism was fighting every man and be able to step on his toes confidently. On 3 different continents. In my 30s, I realised true power and equality came from being the Tinubu, not the Buhari.

This case was washing machine, me I did worse when it was my turn. He (a Ph. D from an ivy league who is very modern) loved my independence when he met me (i was a chick with an investor on standby to protect my financial assets 2 months before the Nig govt started announcing how oil prices were affecting the economy. I redefined the word Independent) but couldn't live with it when I constantly made him feel I didn't need him for Jack and could call all the shots (my territory was his whole life, not just the kitchen. And they were all great ideas!). We couldn't live with each other and called off our wedding when I was expecting (I honestly wish I could tell my story). Anyone who tried to control me would have died in the process.

I simply started letting him be my knight in shining armour. He's the one who always wants to wear his wedding ring now.

Men want to see your eyes light up happily when they provide for you. It grows their ego and they spend the rest of their lives trying to constantly please you. And they really hate you undermining their authority.

if that wife, in the few weeks she had after asking him again, had baffed up, fixed her nails, looked good and smelled nice, been wonderful in bed and On the appointed day, let that man come home to see her with her nails chipped, sweaty and tired my saying "I washed all the clothes I'm so exhausted".

She would have gotten a washer and dryer. A correct one, more expensive than what she budgeted.

You need to meet one of my older sisters. She's the worst bully in the world and yet has her hubby wrapped round her little finger. And he is happy being there.

Nice write up

@bold, I think that is where quite a number of people (feminists and anti-feminists) get it wrong!

Another thing is there is no fixed way of doing things... a couple should decide want works for them and stick with it.

Which one be Tinubu and Buhari again?

Onegai:


This.

Mama Onegai just wanted to change a few pots. She could have bought them, he would have noticed eventually and kept quiet. But she wanted to reinforce that idea her hubby is to constantly care and provide for her. He ended up getting new expensive pots, fine China, silver dinnerware from Italy and all sorts.

Do you really wanna win the battle and lose the war?

After all, Esther in the bible could have confronted the king rightfully in his throne room with "please we need to talk. There's a plot afoot to commit genocide against my people and I have identified the people involved in it. Please fix this" or even better she could have had those men gotten rid of herself.

Instead, she threw her king a feast. And besought him in tears to do the needful.

You're going to submit to a man one day, better pick one worthy of your kneeling. The power is a woman's hand to pick a king, so choose wisely. Not every man deserves the honour of your company. And when you do give it to him, let him be your king.

I do not agree with nannymcphee..

My hubby likes to buy pots/cook meat himself/wants Egusi done in a special manner is different from cheating or abuse

I would encourage people to work out their marriage and adapt to meet your spouse's needs but I draw a line at cheating and abuse.

bukatyne:


I do not agree with nannymcphee..

My hubby likes to buy pots/cook meat himself/wants Egusi done in a special manner is different from cheating or abuse

I would encourage people to work out their marriage and adapt to meet your spouse's needs but I draw a line at cheating and abuse.

CC: cococandy
madam I respect ur difference in opinion

So what will you do if your husband is having an affair? Pack out of the house?

in the case of assault, should he slap you, will you pack out?

the wrestle mania in my home was a fair fight, my dad wasn't out to cause bodily harm, neither did it result to my mum bring hospitalized

Infact when the first slap is given, my mum retaliates & the fight begins, so its not as though bottle or knife or wood was employed. Neither did my dad use the whole of his might as a man to fight, I do know with this scenario a lot of things can still go wrong


If a man becomes abusive to the extent of bodily harm being done, then I can subscribe to separation or divorce!!

If a man hits a lady & she is pleading or crying & he doesn't stop, then the beast in him is at work, a sane man shouldn't use a combination of blows or slaps or anything on a woman!!

The next question is what triggers such reaction from him?

Everyone keep hammering on the man for using his God given natural strengt/might on a woman(not an excuse o) but everyone seems to turn a blind eye when the woman uses her God given natural ballistic tongue/mouth on a man (which sometimes is the cause of the beast rising up in the man)

As for cheating, my advice is look well before u leap & if after leaping, then pray to God for wisdom in handling the matter

Not that this is an excuse, some men were pushed into extramarital affairs cos of their wives(either they had to peace at home, so they found solace in the arms of another woman or they were being nagged to death or unskillful in bedmatics or the men were being emasculated etc the list goes on)

so sometimes plugging these holes might help & then a bachelor who partied & clubbed a lot or imbibed the act of one night standsl might find that habit difficult to break in marriage, so if u got into such union thinking you will change him, well sorry for you


PS:I sent you a PM, I don't know if you got it, how can I reach you, I need to discuss something with you

Onegai:


My dear, I am married. He made me breakfast in bed, I even have pictures. We're a mature couple.

A controlling man will slap his wife for buying that machine.

A regular guy will keep quiet and realise his wife likes to undermine his authority.

Let me know when your boss applauds you for doing something he had already told you he would take care of. Even my last female boss reamed my arse for doing that last year (and I was totally right).

I spent my 20s thinking feminism was fighting every man and be able to step on his toes confidently. On 3 different continents. In my 30s, I realised true power and equality came from being the Tinubu, not the Buhari.

This case was washing machine, me I did worse when it was my turn. He (a Ph. D from an ivy league who is very modern) loved my independence when he met me (i was a chick with an investor on standby to protect my financial assets 2 months before the Nig govt started announcing how oil prices were affecting the economy. I redefined the word Independent) but couldn't live with it when I constantly made him feel I didn't need him for Jack and could call all the shots (my territory was his whole life, not just the kitchen. And they were all great ideas!). We couldn't live with each other and called off our wedding when I was expecting (I honestly wish I could tell my story). Anyone who tried to control me would have died in the process.

I simply started letting him be my knight in shining armour. He's the one who always wants to wear his wedding ring now.

Men want to see your eyes light up happily when they provide for you. It grows their ego and they spend the rest of their lives trying to constantly please you. And they really hate you undermining their authority.

if that wife, in the few weeks she had after asking him again, had baffed up, fixed her nails, looked good and smelled nice, been wonderful in bed and On the appointed day, let that man come home to see her with her nails chipped, sweaty and tired my saying "I washed all the clothes I'm so exhausted".

She would have gotten a washer and dryer. A correct one, more expensive than what she budgeted.

You need to meet one of my older sisters. She's the worst bully in the world and yet has her hubby wrapped round her little finger. And he is happy being there.

The bolded is not what feminism is neither was your behaviour the same thing as being independent. What you described was a woman behaving badly.

Why do you think women have to act, cry pretend and massage a man's ego for her to get something from the man. This is a wrong belief that has gone from generation to generation but it does not make it right. Husband and wife should be partners who work together for the best of their home.

nannymcphee:


CC: cococandy
madam I respect ur difference in opinion

So what will you do if your husband is having an affair? Pack out of the house?

in the case of assault, should he slap you, will you pack out?

the wrestle mania in my home was a fair fight, my dad wasn't out to cause bodily harm, neither did it result to my mum bring hospitalized

Infact when the first slap is given, my mum retaliates & the fight begins, so its not as though bottle or knife or wood was employed. Neither did my dad use the whole of his might as a man to fight, I do know with this scenario a lot of things can still go wrong


If a man becomes abusive to the extent of bodily harm being done, then I can subscribe to separation or divorce!!

If a man hits a lady & she is pleading or crying & he doesn't stop, then the beast in him is at work, a sane man shouldn't use a combination of blows or slaps or anything on a woman!!

The next question is what triggers such reaction from him?

Everyone keep hammering on the man for using his God given natural strengt/might on a woman(not an excuse o) but everyone seems to turn a blind eye when the woman uses her God given natural ballistic tongue/mouth on a man (which sometimes is the cause of the beast rising up in the man)

As for cheating, my advice is look well before u leap & if after leaping, then pray to God for wisdom in handling the matter

Not that this is an excuse, some men were pushed into extramarital affairs cos of their wives(either they had to peace at home, so they found solace in the arms of another woman or they were being nagged to death or unskillful in bedmatics or the men were being emasculated etc the list goes on)

so sometimes plugging these holes might help & then a bachelor who partied & clubbed a lot or imbibed the act of one night standsl might find that habit difficult to break in marriage, so if u got into such union thinking you will change him, well sorry for you


PS:I sent you a PM, I don't know if you got it, how can I reach you, I need to discuss something with you

This post is an example of what we mean when we say that staying in an abusive and bad marriage sends a wrong message to the kids. The kids grow up to think it is normal or ok to cheat or be violent towards your partner.

nannymcphee:


CC: cococandy
madam I respect ur difference in opinion

So what will you do if your husband is having an affair? Pack out of the house?

in the case of assault, should he slap you, will you pack out?

the wrestle mania in my home was a fair fight, my dad wasn't out to cause bodily harm, neither did it result to my mum bring hospitalized

Infact when the first slap is given, my mum retaliates & the fight begins, so its not as though bottle or knife or wood was employed. Neither did my dad use the whole of his might as a man to fight, I do know with this scenario a lot of things can still go wrong


If a man becomes abusive to the extent of bodily harm being done, then I can subscribe to separation or divorce!!

If a man hits a lady & she is pleading or crying & he doesn't stop, then the beast in him is at work, a sane man shouldn't use a combination of blows or slaps or anything on a woman!!

The next question is what triggers such reaction from him?

Everyone keep hammering on the man for using his God given natural strengt/might on a woman(not an excuse o) but everyone seems to turn a blind eye when the woman uses her God given natural ballistic tongue/mouth on a man (which sometimes is the cause of the beast rising up in the man)

As for cheating, my advice is look well before u leap & if after leaping, then pray to God for wisdom in handling the matter

Not that this is an excuse, some men were pushed into extramarital affairs cos of their wives(either they had to peace at home, so they found solace in the arms of another woman or they were being nagged to death or unskillful in bedmatics or the men were being emasculated etc the list goes on)

so sometimes plugging these holes might help & then a bachelor who partied & clubbed a lot or imbibed the act of one night standsl might find that habit difficult to break in marriage, so if u got into such union thinking you will change him, well sorry for you


PS:I sent you a PM, I don't know if you got it, how can I reach you, I need to discuss something with you

WrestleMania is 100% different from abuse (Yea, I have been named an enabler of abuse once )

A home where hubby slaps wifey who retaliates with two hot ones is not abusive; it is toxic and both of them learning to understand each other will solve it.

@ Cheating & abuse; I sure will.

@PM, will respond now

Thanks

bukatyne:


Nice write up

@bold, I think that is where quite a number of people (feminists and anti-feminists) get it wrong!

Another thing is there is no fixed way of doing things... a couple should decide want works for them and stick with it.

Which one be Tinubu and Buhari again?

Lol. People are more scared of Tinubu being in power than Buhari being president. Even in the north, PDP is telling Northern leaders "this will be Yaradua part 2, only that Tinubu would be the kingmaker not OBJ". And it is working. If you're in the inside of politics in Nigeria, Tinubu is a kingmaker, who controls everything. Yet he's not planning on being president. I have met some wives whom when I spoke to their hubbys, I realised almost all his decisions were hers, but he didn't know he had being subtly led and their wives never gloated or acted like they were challenging the man (infact their saintly angelic-ness used to amaze me )

It's not about constantly begging a man, you don't go about constantly kissing your boss' behind, but you do it once in a while and perform your duties well and get commendations and rewards. Yet you come home and throw all your intelligence and people-managing skills out the door because you're a husband or a wife and start acting baffled when it blows up in your face.

You do petty things and cold-shoulder your wife when you will be more patient if that was your work-colleague. You cheat on your wife when you have problems, though you have been practising long-suffering, patience and hardwork, working at your company that doesn't give you the job satisfaction and financial reward you think you deserve. You start insisting on sharing and demanding for authority with your husband when you know your boss calls you into his office, gives you a project, you make suggestions and let him/her give you the go-ahead.

Seriously, detach yourself emotionally and view your marriage as a longterm working relationship with mutual benefits and make smart decisions (I know I'm no romantic). You wanna be in a team, well, someone's gotta lead, someone has to be 2nd in command and the rest are followers. Team leader listens to all and makes final decisions and takes the most responsibility, 2nd in command is loyal to team leader and does their best to smooth any issues out that team-leader misses out on, takes on some responsibility and their highest reward is to be the best 2nd in command. Followers do as they're told, chip in support, call out team leader and 2nd in command if something is going wrong and all of them pull together.

Now, change the names of team leader, 2nd in command and followers to either children, wife, hubby. Try different permutations. Let me know which makes the most sense.

A lot of times, people are trying to prove a point. It's not for me to tell anyone my way is the best. Whatever floats ya boat, man.

Onegai:


Lol. People are more scared of Tinubu being in power than Buhari being president. Even in the north, PDP is telling Northern leaders "this will be Yaradua part 2, only that Tinubu would be the kingmaker not OBJ". And it is working. If you're in the inside of politics in Nigeria, Tinubu is a kingmaker, who controls everything. Yet he's not planning on being president. I have met some wives whom when I spoke to their hubbys, I realised almost all his decisions were hers, but he didn't know he had being subtly led and their wives never gloated or acted like they were challenging the man (infact their saintly angelic-ness used to amaze me )

It's not about constantly begging a man, you don't go about constantly kissing your boss' behind, but you do it once in a while and perform your duties well and get commendations and rewards. Yet you come home and throw all your intelligence and people-managing skills out the door because you're a husband or a wife and start acting baffled when it blows up in your face.

You do petty things to your wife when you will be more patient if that was your work-colleague. You cheat on your wife when you have problems, though you have been practising long-suffering, patience and hardwork, working at your company that doesn't give you the job satisfaction and financial reward you think you deserve. You start insisting on sharing authority with your husband when you know your boss calls you into his office, gives you a project, you make suggestions and let him/her give you the go-ahead.

Seriously, detach yourself emotionally and view your marriage as a longterm working relationship with mutual benefits and make smart decisions (I know I'm no romantic). You wanna be in a team, well, someone's gotta lead, someone has to be 2nd in command and the rest are followers. Team leader listens to all and makes final decisions and takes the most responsibility, 2nd in command is loyal to team leader and does their best to smooth any issues out that team-leader misses out on, takes on some responsibility and their highest reward is to be the best 2nd in command. Followers do as they're told, chip in support, call out team leader and 2nd in command if something is going wrong and all of them pull together.

Now, change the names of team leader, 2nd in command and followers to either children, wife, hubby. Try different permutations. Let me know which makes the most sense.

I get the Tinubu/Buhari analog well

That's his specialty... Lagos State case in point

I also agree the marriage requires people management skills.

I remember a book where a pastor was nagging his wife on tithes (she did not believe and he wanted to use 'I am your husband, you must pay thingy') and God told him to relate with her how he would relate with the other sisters in the church

I think the challenge is to find out what really trills your spouse and go for it. We think some things are cast in stone and any deviation is met with rebuff.

Someone believed in helping his wife in the kitchen, fortunately/unfortunately, his wife thought it was unmanly and it caused quite a number of fracas before hubby backed out and left wifey alone...

Such stories abound daily; if the wife in the initial story knew her hubby has issues with her buying some stuffs on her own, she should have since learnt to manage the situation.

And I have a lot of issues with ladies interpreting feminism to mean been rude and unreasonable.

bukatyne:


I get the Tinubu/Buhari analog well

That's his specialty... Lagos State case in point

I also agree the marriage requires people management skills.

I remember a book where a pastor was nagging his wife on tithes (she did not believe and he wanted to use 'I am your husband, you must pay thingy') and God told him to relate with her how he would relate with the other sisters in the church

I think the challenge is to find out what really trills your spouse and go for it. We think some things are cast in stone and any deviation is met with rebuff.

Someone believed in helping his wife in the kitchen, fortunately/unfortunately, his wife thought it was unmanly and it caused quite a number of fracas before hubby backed out and left wifey alone...

Such stories abound daily; if the wife in the initial story knew her hubby has issues with her buying some stuffs on her own, she should have since learnt to manage the situation.

And I have a lot of issues with ladies interpreting feminism to mean been rude and unreasonable.

I wasn't deliberately rude, I just was very impatient and really smart and I was equally nasty to males and females. Like I could go "we've already discussed this, you need to focus and pay more attention" and I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. And I could say that to males and females and if you complained, I would ask if you were an adult, wanted to be treated and paid as an adult. I grew up with a brother who, when his driver said he should please "grease his palm for the weekend", proceeded to do so and then deduct it from his next paycheck. He told the man "the only thank you I owe you is your paycheck, please stop this false niceness. We're all really tough in my family, I used to hate people complaining about the way I sounded or I said things I would go "listen to my word not my tone, you're an adult, process my words intelligently"

I swear, there's a video of me somewhere reducing someone to tears, without dropping a single insulting word. I didn't know I was being filmed...