^^^ @ pak.My dear not holding briefs for babyosisi, but did you read the post where she talked about the ex who now has two wives?

There is no hard and fast rule about how people make their choice in marriage just make sure you are not deceiving yourself. My 2 cents

kukuruku156:
^^^ @ pak.My dear not holding briefs for babyosisi, but did you read the post where she talked about the ex who now has two wives?

There is no hard and fast rule about how people make their choice in marriage just make sure you are not deceiving yourself. My 2 cents

I didn't read it, I just read the first page and got ticked off.......

I'll appreciate if you can show me or at least explain how it relates to my post

babyosisi:



My ex fiancé is now married to two women
That could have been me with a nwunye di ( co wife)
The wife is not barren o
She also has a boy but the husband ,a Christian married a second wife
When we parted ways( even though I left), I didn't know the reason why
When I heard he was now a polygamist I said wow
God was protecting me from that
You never know what God is protecting you from

That is my attitude to everything
You lose a job,something better is on the way
A relationship dies.something more spectacular is in the wings.
Use this time to build yourself spiritually and emotionally and take whatever lessons you learned from that other relationship including any mistakes you made,learn from it and apply the lessons to the next one.

@ pak, here.

kukuruku156:

@ pak, here.

Thanks, but I really don't get, how does it relate to not basing your decisions on passion , emotions and superficial things. because that was the point I was trying to make in my earlier post. I was trying to say issues of character, intelligence and integrity are far more important, that was my point.

People,who try to attack me or discredit me usually don't succeed
Pak,this thread is not a competition
If it were,it wouldn't be 90 pages long
If you have an advise to give any of the posters on the issues,please do so in a civil manner and move on and others will give theirs
Thanks

OnyeEgo1:


open up to him, av an heart 2 heart discussion with him abt ur history... Den change buh don't force it oh

thanks alot dear.....i just did and it really went well. I just really need to learn how to make sacrifices myself...not leaving him to do it alone

babyosisi:
People,who try to attack me or discredit me usually don't succeed
Pak,this thread is not a competition
If it were,it wouldn't be 90 pages long
If you have an advise to give any of the posters please do so in a civil manner and move on and others will give theirs
Thanks

Wow! I find it rather unfortunate that you would see this as a personal attack or attempt to discredit you. Where was the sense of competition in anything I wrote and what has the length of the thread got to do with the issue at hand.

Did I make any derogatory reference to your person or marriage or family ? You gave an advice to a young lady who seemed to be at a cross-road which I felt was FUNDAMENTALLY flawed. And I called out on that, taking the pains to explain my reasons and showing the contrast to another post on this thread.

Your response anyway ends up reasserting my views on the first line of my initial post

pak:



I didn't read it, I just read the first page and got ticked off.......

I'll appreciate if you can show me or at least explain how it relates to my post

@pak,
I'll like to start by saying the bolded above just shows how wrong it is to come to the conclusion you have arrived at.You read the first page and you immediately arrived at the conclusion that passion and sexual chemistry is all she advises young girls to take most importantly?A thread of 90pages and still counting......
There are people on this thread who read ALL the pages before they commented.Why don't you go through all the pages before arriving at this conclusion?It may take a few days but please do.
In the course of reading,you will find some deep things which may be towards the end,or in the middle that sums up everything you need to know.
How do you think someone who thinks passion and sexual chemistry will write this below;

babyosisi:


It's up to us females to define the relationship
We shouldn't jump in bed with Tom dick and Harry expecting marriage to come out of it
That's where many miss it
If I show him what I can do in bed,I will keep him
Says who?
Do you know what the other person can do ?
There is always someone with a better rounded boobs out there and cuter face
You can't keep an intelligent man with bedmatics.
Man wey don chop over 25 girls and you expect him to be thrilled with your bedmatics
He has seen better performances
If he said baby you're the best,he has said it perhaps 10 times that week alone to other people.
Girls don't know men gossip like crazy
Just being on nairaland tells you men can carry vicious gossips,make up stories and circulate it
So when you also sleep with one he will tell his friends and also urge the friends to go and try their luck
I grew up amongst boys so I know these things.
And some girls wonder why suitors are not coming,their stories and their abortions have been widely circulated.
Some may need to change city to get a chance

If you take the time to read through the thread like I said,you will see where she said she did some things that,looking back now,she would have done it differently and she does not recommend that for young ladies going into marriage or young brides.

One thing I do sometimes is if I see a comment by someone,before I respond to it,I go to the person's profile and read the person's comments made over a while.I do that to have an idea of the person's personality,thoughts etc before concluding.I'll recommend that too.

.

thorpido:
@pak,
I'll like to start by saying the bolded above just shows how wrong it is to come to the conclusion you have arrived at.You read the first page and you immediately arrived at the conclusion that passion and sexual chemistry is all she advises young girls to take most importantly?A thread of 90pages and still counting......
There are people on this thread who read ALL the pages before they commented.Why don't you go through all the pages before arriving at this conclusion?It may take a few days but please do.
In the course of reading,you will find some deep things which may be towards the end,or in the middle that sums up everything you need to know.
How do you think someone who thinks passion and sexual chemistry will write this below;
If you take the time to read through the thread like I said,you will see where she said she did some things that,looking back now,she would have done it differently and she does not recommend that for young ladies going into marriage or young brides.

One thing I do sometimes is if I see a comment by someone,before I respond to it,I go to the person's profile and read the person's comments made over a while.I do that to have an idea of the person's personality,thoughts etc before concluding.I'll recommend that too.

I hate to be the spoilsport on this thread but I like clarifying issues.
I don't know Babyosisi neither do I hate her, for all you care, she might be a wonderful intelligent person in real life.
My counter-post was not directed at her person or this thread or all her other posts on nairaland.

It was an objective issue based rebuttal and the background was that a young lady was confused about if the guy she is dating is 'the one' - if ever there is anything like that anyway - and she gave us a little insight into the relationship, which for me was neither here nor there.

At the end of the day, we got what was supposed to be an advice which for me was - I repeat - FUNDAMENTALLY flawed.

You said you are not compatible sexually,can you live with that all your life? - what is sexual compatibility Trust me, I have had sex with God knows how many women and I can assure you it's all in the mind. The two best partners I have had sex wise were not my specs physically - they seemed to sense my lack of interest and always put in 200%. Apart from physiological issues like weak erection, frigidity and the likes, sex is a function of what the partners put in. Your compatibility character wise is everything. That's why 'the friend zone' movement has actually done more damage to young ladies than the guys being 'friendzoned'.

Bad kisser,can you manage that? - first time in my blessed little life that am hearing kissing become a consideration whatsoever in choosing a partner.

You see I actually do not need to read her previous posts or subsequent ones to know that this particular advice was wrong and air my views.

The fact that she was wrong here does not make it impossible for her to be right later on or does not in anyway make her a bad person.

What I would rather have expected was objective criticism to the points I made or she made because quite frankly, this is not an attack on her person

Xone3:


I have also been accused of not being caring. please based on this, how can one be caring? cos I as a person don't. I have tried but don't no how

It starts with being unselfish.Learning to think beyond yourself-your needs,wants,desires and comforts.
I'm a bible student so I'll site the example of the good samaritan(read or re-read the story).It's about having empathy,seeing someone in a difficult situation and taking it upon yourself to do something to improve that person's situation.
Another key thing are the words of Jesus.He said,'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'.You consider your actions and ask if you would like to be treated the way you just treated this person or intend to do.
Other ways is to try and remember dates,e.g.birthdays and you can call or text or get some gifts to give.Also,start paying attention to people's moods or countenance.You can always ask,'Is there a problem' or how do you do?Also offer to do favours for people or help them with errands.You will start to build your caring nature this way.

pak:


I hate to be the spoilsport on this thread but I like clarifying issues.
I don't know Babyosisi neither do I hate her, for all you care, she might be a wonderful intelligent person in real life.
My counter-post was not directed at her person or this thread or all her other posts on nairaland.

It was an objective issue based rebuttal and the background was that a young lady was confused about if the guy she is dating is 'the one' - if ever there is anything like that anyway - and she gave us a little insight into the relationship, which for me was neither here nor there.

At the end of the day, we got what was supposed to be an advice which for me was - I repeat - FUNDAMENTALLY flawed.

You said you are not compatible sexually,can you live with that all your life? - what is sexual compatibility Trust me, I have had sex with God knows how many women and I can assure you it's all in the mind. The two best partners I have had sex wise were not my specs physically - they seemed to sense my lack of interest and always put in 200%. Apart from physiological issues like weak erection, frigidity and the likes, sex is a function of what the partners put in. Your compatibility character wise is everything. That's why 'the friend zone' movement has actually done more damage to young ladies than the guys being 'friendzoned'.

Bad kisser,can you manage that? - first time in my blessed little life that am hearing kissing become a consideration whatsoever in choosing a partner.

You see I actually do not need to read her previous posts or subsequent ones to know that this particular advice was wrong and air my views.

The fact that she was wrong here does not make it impossible for her to be right later on or does not in anyway make her a bad person.

What I would rather have expected was objective criticism to the points I made or she made because quite frankly, this is not an attack on her person

I understand where you are coming from.Like I said earlier,you can't really pick this as flawed without following the thread.Each advise here is on a case-by-case basis.
The sexual/intimacy advise there may just have been what was the issue at that time.
Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.
Why do you see women saying the guy is nice,has good character etc but I only like him as a friend.I'm not attracted to him.
Integrity,friendship,character,honesty,compassion etc are invaluable in choosing a partner.However,when you deal with that,physical attraction is also so important.

Chipeculiar:
Happy easter to you wonderful friends and counsellors on this trend. I've being a quite follower here and i dont have a choice now than to seek for help.
I'm 23, finishd serving and working(tho underemployed). I met dz guy around july last yr tho av posted here before on how igbotic the guy is and i was adviced to just leave cos i didnt see any good in him. But honestly, he is a great guy and he has tried in every way to prove to me that he is serious about me. Due to ego, pride, non-challant attitude, av not treated him like a lover at all...I blamed him for virtually every thing and i was d one doing all the corrections in him. I'm a very lovely person especially to my friends but wen a guy comes around with dat word marriage...i tend to frustrate his love and dat attitude av made me loss 2 other great guys maybe its cos of age, i dont knw. Now am on d Virge of losing dz guy too, he threatened to quit and dat made me realise all my mistakes, my shakara was too much. I've begged him hoping that he will change his mind and i promise to be nice and lovely wen he comes back. But the help I need now is how do I express love with my heart. Though i'm a strong-minded person and cos of d harsh way i grew up, d major way to avoid intimidation was not to care about anyone else. Though dat attitude has changed but nt totally yet. Remember I knw my mistakes now, I just need help. Thank you

Xone3:


I have also been accused of not being caring. please based on this, how can one be caring? cos I as a person don't. I have tried but don't no how

The fact that you have expressed concern is a good indicator that your supposed 'uncaring' nature is not pathological.

But before any reasonable advice can be given, I think a little info is needed.

How was your family background ? did you grow up in a broken home. Were your parent's marriage abusive ?
Were you abused as a kid ? (either physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually)
Truth is, Most people from balanced homes were love is expressed hardly ever have problems showing care when they grow up. Being uncaring is more often than not a defence mechanism from harm based on trauma experienced in early childhood.


Again, to your present life (please this is not an attempt to condemn or be hypocritical). Do you keep multiple relationships ? have you had multiple sexual partners. Situations like this also hinder normal behaviour in interpersonal relationships because the opposite sex subconsciously becomes a thing/ something to be used for a purpose. An object for which care does not apply.

So maybe you might need to answer these questions first.

Chipeculiar:


thanks alot dear.....i just did and it really went well. I just really need to learn how to make sacrifices myself...not leaving him to do it alone

u just av to let it flow naturally, don't force it......

pak:






The fact that you have expressed concern is a good indicator that your supposed 'uncaring' nature is not pathological.

But before any reasonable advice can be given, I think a little info is needed.

How was your family background ? did you grow up in a broken home. Were your parent's marriage abusive ?
Were you abused as a kid ? (either physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually)
Truth is, Most people from balanced homes were love is expressed hardly ever have problems showing care when they grow up. Being uncaring is more often than not a defence mechanism from harm based on trauma experienced in early childhood.


Again, to your present life (please this is not an attempt to condemn or be hypocritical). Do you keep multiple relationships ? have you had multiple sexual partners. Situations like this also hinder normal behaviour in interpersonal relationships because the opposite sex subconsciously becomes a thing/ something to be used for a purpose. An object for which care does not apply.

So maybe you might need to answer these questions first.

I was never abused. I'm from a stable family, raised up in a christian way(deeper life for that matter). Tho we arnt financially stable....u knw d idea of your friends having textbooks in class and u dont have it.....i just didnt care to avoid intimidations....datz just an example. I have never really released my heart to anyone....even my female friends....u get to enjoy me when am around but immediately distance set in...i don forget person be dat.....tho i always have friends around cos of my temperament...dat alone wont make me miss the previous friends. Tho am really learning and trying to express affection. I dont have multiple partners.....in short....av neva had sex.....i think av answerd your questions

thorpido:
I understand where you are coming from.Like I said earlier,you can't really pick this as flawed without following the thread.Each advise here is on a case-by-case basis.
The sexual/intimacy advise there may just have been what was the issue at that time.
Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.
Why do you see women saying the guy is nice,has good character etc but I only like him as a friend.I'm not attracted to him.
Integrity,friendship,character,honesty,compassion etc are invaluable in choosing a partner.However,when you deal with that,physical attraction is also so important.

Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.

I won't argue with you on this. That was my expectations initially, I raised some points, if anybody was not comfortable with it, Simple, refute them - there were no personal angles to my posts, just opinions.
Am not a professional marriage counselor but I think most sexual issues once they are not physiological can be worked on. Infact listening to most couples, you realize that the so called lack of sexual interest as its root in some other issues not the sex in itself.


Why do you see women saying the guy is nice,has good character etc but I only like him as a friend.I'm not attracted to him.

I attribute that to foolishness and youthful exuberance. like seriously bro !
Have you ever heard of a single girl above 30 saying she only likes a guy as a friend (unless of course, he is dirt poor).
Think of it, have you ever heard of the girlfriend of a serial cheat say that ??
It's all a trick of the mind, this is what every player since Adam has realised and young women should be warned against.

Any guy who you are comfortable around, being friends with, understands you, you get along well, is responsible - please don't dull, they hardly ever come around.

One of the reason why we are having more and more of this friend zone concept has to do with the media and the swag mentality. We are being bombarded more and more by unrealistic imagery such that real people no longer fit into the fantasies we've been sold.

One of the major laws of attraction is emotional investment. The one who invests more, loves more.
The average nice guy naturally invest more in any relationship and the immature emotionally driven girl finds it hard to find the attraction because she has invested less or nothing at all.
Whereas, the bad guy fuecks (pardon my language) the girl and does not even bother calling her the next day, the foolish girl is emotionally wound up , feels used and can't wait to get any form of attention from the player. She eventually confuses that desperation for love for the guy - trust me, it works every bloody time.

So the advice, i will always give young men and women alike, put your emotions aside for a while and ask yourself, is this the kind of father/mother I will want for my kids. if this person treats me the way he/she treats other people will I still be with him- cos he will end up treating you that way.
I believe though I don't have empirical evidence that most marriages that have been damaged beyond repair are largely caused by emotion beclouding reason and desperation

thorpido:

Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.

Care to explain the emboldened better ?

pak:



Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.

I won't argue with you on this. That was my expectations initially, I raised some points, if anybody was not comfortable with it, Simple, refute them - there were no personal angles to my posts, just opinions.
Am not a professional marriage counselor but I think most sexual issues once they are not physiological can be worked on. Infact listening to most couples, you realize that the so called lack of sexual interest as its root in some other issues not the sex in itself.


Why do you see women saying the guy is nice,has good character etc but I only like him as a friend.I'm not attracted to him.

I attribute that to foolishness and youthful exuberance. like seriously bro !
Have you ever heard of a single girl above 30 saying she only likes a guy as a friend (unless of course, he is dirt poor).
Think of it, have you ever heard of the girlfriend of a serial cheat say that ??
It's all a trick of the mind, this is what every player since Adam has realised and young women should be warned against.

Any guy who you are comfortable around, being friends with, understands you, you get along well, is responsible - please don't dull, they hardly ever come around.

One of the reason why we are having more and more of this friend zone concept has to do with the media and the swag mentality. We are being bombarded more and more by unrealistic imagery such that real people no longer fit into the fantasies we've been sold.

One of the major laws of attraction is emotional investment. The one who invests more, loves more.
The average nice guy naturally invest more in any relationship and the immature emotionally driven girl finds it hard to find the attraction because she has invested less or nothing at all.
Whereas, the bad guy fuecks (pardon my language) the girl and does not even bother calling her the next day, the foolish girl is emotionally wound up , feels used and can't wait to get any form of attention from the player. She eventually confuses that desperation for love for the guy - trust me, it works every bloody time.

So the advice, i will always give young men and women alike, put your emotions aside for a while and ask yourself, is this the kind of father/mother I will want for my kids. if this person treats me the way he/she treats other people will I still be with him- cos he will end up treating you that way.
I believe though I don't have empirical evidence that most marriages that have been damaged beyond repair are largely caused by emotion beclouding reason and desperation

I uderstand all you are saying here.This thread however has dealt with all aspects of it.The average lady is emotionally driven in making relationship choices and that in itself is what this thread addresses.Making choices that are not emotionally driven but but has deep roots in the more enduring factors earlier enumerated.
If a lady meets a guy who is caring,honest,hardworking,godfearing etc who is also physically(sexually) attractive and another guy who has the same virtues but is not sexually appealing to her,she definitely will choose the guy sexually appealing.
We are not downplaying the more enduring virtues here,we are just saying physical attraction also plays a deep role.

pak:


Care to explain the emboldened better ?

Sex for men is generally more of a physical thing than an emotional thing.However,for women,who they choose to sleep with goes beyond just a physical thing.That is why it's a bigger deal to women how they feel about the guy intimate-wise.

thorpido:
Sex for men is generally more of a physical thing than an emotional thing.However,for women,who they choose to sleep with goes beyond just a physical thing.That is why it's a bigger deal to women how they feel about the guy intimate-wise.

Oh ok, I understand. I agree !

[quote author=pak post=32419364][/quote] When babyosisi said that, she was refering to people who agree to marry men they dont feel love for or even the friendship you subscribed to just because the men seem to be the only availability or there was a "vision from God " or because the men are good. Do you know what it means for a woman to be tied for life to a man she does not love? She stated her opinion so because it is the best and safer option than going to find out after marriage. She meant it is an essential prerequisite and never said the only prerequisite, even the poster you quoted, i confidently know shares similar school of thought. I know it seems i have wasted my time explaining this to you and your irks as there will always be the biblical having eyes without seeing but know you have not started, if after "misreading" her few earlier pages you concluded you are the best opinion counselor.

Floodgater:
When babyosisi said that, she was refering to people who agree to marry men they dont feel love for or even the friendship you subscribed to just because the men seem to be the only availability or there was a "vision from God " or because the men are good. Do you know what it means for a woman to be tied for life to a man she does not love? She stated her opinion so because it is the best and safer option than going to find out after marriage. She meant it is an essential prerequisite and never said the only prerequisite, even the poster you quoted, i confidently know shares similar school of thought. I know it seems i have wasted my time explaining this to you and your irks as there will always be the biblical having eyes without seeing but know you have not started, if after "misreading" her few earlier pages you concluded you are the best opinion counselor.

Phew , your comments were rather harsh but anyway your points are noted.

But do remember that the day we realise that love is not a feeling but a commitment, the world and marriages would be a far better place

Chipeculiar:

I was never abused. I'm from a stable family, raised up in a christian way(deeper life for that matter). Tho we arnt financially stable....u knw d idea of your friends having textbooks in class and u dont have it.....i just didnt care to avoid intimidations....datz just an example. I have never really released my heart to anyone....even my female friends....u get to enjoy me when am around but immediately distance set in...i don forget person be dat.....tho i always have friends around cos of my temperament...dat alone wont make me miss the previous friends. Tho am really learning and trying to express affection. I dont have multiple partners.....in short....av neva had sex.....i think av answerd your questions

Though it's hard to give advice about lifestyle and personality to people you haven't met but I daresay, I don't think you have a problem here, not a serious problem anyway. I think it's all about temperament and balance.

The only issue I sense is that considering your background, you might just have some inhibitions that sort of makes you antagonistic towards relationships especially considering your possibly puritanical background. I was there too, the first time, a lady I was eyeing came to try help me clean my house, I almost had a fit. and I was already in my late twenties then. Maybe just maybe that might be the issue

[quote author=Chipeculiar post=32414404][/quote] Good you have followed the advice of letting him know so that he can understand, be patient and help too. Your personality though friendly is not the type that goes beyound friendship surface ie caring and your environment of growth did not encourage it either. You will have to learn from him by doing those caring acts he shows you back to him, ask him to tell you the ways he wants you to care for him, do them as fit and always show appreciation to his caring acts as that itself is care. Also pay attension to acts of care displayed by others to you or others, appreciate them and apply them where necessary to him and others but note that your acts of care may be taken for granted sometimes by some then remember you once did with others and dont stop, moreso, you would be mastering your caring acts and always be in returned served with care cup when needed. This also applies to Xiones3.

pak:


Phew , your comments were rather harsh but anyway your points are noted.

But do remember that the day we realise that love is not a feeling but a commitment, the world and marriages would be a far better place

Now i'm sorry for being harsh. You were harsh to her too, anyway, i'm glad you expressed understanding.

Chipeculiar:
Happy easter to you wonderful friends and counsellors on this trend. I've being a quite follower here and i dont have a choice now than to seek for help.
I'm 23, finishd serving and working(tho underemployed). I met dz guy around july last yr tho av posted here before on how igbotic the guy is and i was adviced to just leave cos i didnt see any good in him. But honestly, he is a great guy and he has tried in every way to prove to me that he is serious about me. Due to ego, pride, non-challant attitude, av not treated him like a lover at all...I blamed him for virtually every thing and i was d one doing all the corrections in him. I'm a very lovely person especially to my friends but wen a guy comes around with dat word marriage...i tend to frustrate his love and dat attitude av made me loss 2 other great guys maybe its cos of age, i dont knw. Now am on d Virge of losing dz guy too, he threatened to quit and dat made me realise all my mistakes, my shakara was too much. I've begged him hoping that he will change his mind and i promise to be nice and lovely wen he comes back. But the help I need now is how do I express love with my heart. Though i'm a strong-minded person and cos of d harsh way i grew up, d major way to avoid intimidation was not to care about anyone else. Though dat attitude has changed but nt totally yet. Remember I knw my mistakes now, I just need help. Thank you

Knowing your mistake and your shortcomings is half the problem solved
I remember the igbotic sumtin you said earlier and from the way you described him then it didn't look like you had any amorous feelings for him but now that you have spoken in some details about yourself,it makes more sense,the issue is more with you than him.
It doesn't make you a bad person
I will hate for you to lose a good man because you're judging him too harshly.
Can you confide in him and tell him you love him dearly but have a problem with showing affection and that he should bear with you while you work through this.if he knows you truly love and care about him he will be patient with you.

There is no other way to show affection and care but to show it
Be nice to him
Compliment him when you think he dressed well
Ask his opinion about stuff
When you call or see him,ask how he is doing and how his day is going
Listen attentively when he is speaking
Show him you care about him
On his birthday,do something special ,get a cake, a small gift like a good tie, a good card ,cook his favorite meal and celebrate that with him
When he is hurting,show him you care by speaking words of comfort
Ask about those most dear to him like his mom and dad
When he takes you to go visit his mom,occasionally get her a small gift e.g perfume,a set of handkerchiefs etc and sit and talk with her
If he has nieces and nephews ,when you visit there with him,buy them a packet of biscuits.
Don't be judgmental,allow him to be himself and when you err be quick to apologize

There are little things you can do to show him you love him and care about him

House......... Ehem ehem, i see some new tenants have packed into this house, some to watch, some to contribute and some well to make trouble. Una try oh. I salute you all.

Okay straight to the matter who dey win? Wetin be the scores? No cause for control, everything is under alarm.

babyosisi:


Knowing your mistake and your shortcomings is half the problem solved
I remember the igbotic sumtin you said earlier and from the way you described him then it didn't look like you had any amorous feelings for him but now that you have spoken in some details about yourself,it makes more sense,the issue is more with you than him.
It doesn't make you a bad person
I will hate for you to lose a good man because you're judging him too harshly.
Can you confide in him and tell him you love him dearly but have a problem with showing affection and that he should bear with you while you work through this.if he knows you truly love and care about him he will be patient with you.

There is no other way to show affection and care but to show it
Be nice to him
Compliment him when you think he dressed well
Ask his opinion about stuff
When you call or see him,ask how he is doing and how his day is going
Listen attentively when he is speaking
Show him you care about him
On his birthday,do something special ,get a cake, a small gift like a good tie, a good card ,cook his favorite meal and celebrate that with him
When he is hurting,show him you care by speaking words of comfort
Ask about those most dear to him like his mom and dad
When he takes you to go visit his mom,occasionally get her a small gift e.g perfume,a set of handkerchiefs etc and sit and talk with her
If he has nieces and nephews ,when you visit there with him,buy them a packet of biscuits.
Don't be judgmental,allow him to be himself and when you err be quick to apologize

There are little things you can do to show him you love him and care about him

You completely nailed it. I need to copy and paste this somewhere. Thanks so much babyosisi. I apologised to him yesterday and honestly I have being the problem in this relationship. Thanks alot dear and God bless you

Floodgater:
Good you have followed the advice of letting him know so that he can understand, be patient and help too. Your personality though friendly is not the type that goes beyound friendship surface ie caring and your environment of growth did not encourage it either. You will have to learn from him by doing those caring acts he shows you back to him, ask him to tell you the ways he wants you to care for him, do them as fit and always show appreciation to his caring acts as that itself is care. Also pay attension to acts of care displayed by others to you or others, appreciate them and apply them where necessary to him and others but note that your acts of care may be taken for granted sometimes by some then remember you once did with others and dont stop, moreso, you would be mastering your caring acts and always be in returned served with care cup when needed. This also applies to Xiones3.

Thanks alot dear

pak:


Though it's hard to give advice about lifestyle and personality to people you haven't met but I daresay, I don't think you have a problem here, not a serious problem anyway. I think it's all about temperament and balance.

The only issue I sense is that considering your background, you might just have some inhibitions that sort of makes you antagonistic towards relationships especially considering your possibly puritanical background. I was there too, the first time, a lady I was eyeing came to try help me clean my house, I almost had a fit. and I was already in my late twenties then. Maybe just maybe that might be the issue

Thanks alot dear. Life is about learning, learning and learning again

babyosisi:


Knowing your mistake and your shortcomings is half the problem solved
I remember the igbotic sumtin you said earlier and from the way you described him then it didn't look like you had any amorous feelings for him but now that you have spoken in some details about yourself,it makes more sense,the issue is more with you than him.
It doesn't make you a bad person
I will hate for you to lose a good man because you're judging him too harshly.
Can you confide in him and tell him you love him dearly but have a problem with showing affection and that he should bear with you while you work through this.if he knows you truly love and care about him he will be patient with you.

There is no other way to show affection and care but to show it
Be nice to him
Compliment him when you think he dressed well
Ask his opinion about stuff
When you call or see him,ask how he is doing and how his day is going
Listen attentively when he is speaking
Show him you care about him
On his birthday,do something special ,get a cake, a small gift like a good tie, a good card ,cook his favorite meal and celebrate that with him
When he is hurting,show him you care by speaking words of comfort
Ask about those most dear to him like his mom and dad
When he takes you to go visit his mom,occasionally get her a small gift e.g perfume,a set of handkerchiefs etc and sit and talk with her
If he has nieces and nephews ,when you visit there with him,buy them a packet of biscuits.
Don't be judgmental,allow him to be himself and when you err be quick to apologize

There are little things you can do to show him you love him and care about him

ok

nice thread, will come back to post mine