ImBae:


I found an inbetween

Just don't get married.

AtheistD:



Just don't get married.

Okay Boss.

ImBae:
Infidelity all over the place, these men can't put their thing in one place, always chasing after one girl or the other after marriage. Our dear Nigerian society will always blame the woman- its because she's not doing enough; if her husband cheats, its her fault ( I even listened to a radio programme where this was emphasized) I understand that some women are so crazy that they drive their husbands away, but how many cases of such do we have?

I focus on males here simply because I'm a female. I am not implying that only men cheat. My point here is that marriages don't work, so why bother?

Why bother? In my society, everyone carries marriage on their head. They see a woman in her thirties and pity her because she's not married, they may even blame witches and wizards. It does not matter if you remained single by choice, they will still pray for you. I heard my dad mutter a prayer for our unmarried family friend "God please provide a husband for ....". Now I'm more concerned about my parents than I am about the society. I'm totally fine being single considering all the stress that comes with marriage regardless of what people think. I am however the first and only daughter in my family. When I tell someone of my intention to remain single, they reply with "your mom will kill you".

I know that will probably happen, so to make "everyone" happy, here's the plan

I'll look for a guy with all the qualities I want.
He must be intelligent, this comes before good looks. Good looks! This is important, aint nobody gon be making ugly babies. He must be Well to do- money. He must be well behaved and most importantly he must not be interested in marriage as well.

Now I don't care if he womanizes or nah, Cos we won't be in a real relationship. We'll be married just to shut everybody up, he's just going to be my house mate and baby daddy. No sex involved, that would bring unwanted emotions and "we" don't want that. We'll make babies through artificial insemination and we'll live happily ever after. Perfect right? No?

Cons:
Can't see any

Pros:
*No fights (at least not like in real marriages)
*I don't have to worry about him cheating, he can but that's none of my business.
*i can be as rich as I want, don't have to worry about a husband feeling inferior
*im as good as independent

Are you a lesbian?
You don't sound a bit heterosexual to me
Sounds exactly like what a homosexual would do to give a facade

you would want to live with a womanizer ? why stay to make everyone else happy while you're living in misery ?

OP you will fall in love and change your mind.
I promise you

cococandy:
OP you will fall in love and change your mind.
I promise you

Falling in love is all nice and sweet. Finding the right person is the problem. Men have short attention span, today they are in love with you, tomorrow they are chasing after someone else. Not willing to take the risk again, heartbreak isn't fun.

babyosisi:


Are you a lesbian?
You don't sound a bit heterosexual to me
Sounds exactly like what a homosexual would do to give a facade

This was exactly What came to my mind when I saw the thread, op is a lesby! (I may be wrong though, Lol )
I know someone like the op, after lots of researches, it was discovered that she is a lesbian!
Goodluck with your search, but just you should know, there are good men out there!

Op.

Mold a clay and build the man or your woman of your dreams or buy a robot you can commandeer around.

You not only sound selfish, but very unrealistic and childish.

Let's analyse it, you want a man who is handsome, not ready to have feelings, donate his fluid for artificial insemination, you claim he has to have money I.e he would be the one to fend, cater, shelter and clothe you.

You don't want him around. When all these is fulfilled, you want to make your own money and KEEP it without sharing or someone lording over you.

Please tell me one single thing the male in this situation benefits? You would even claim you own the baby alone in future because you would remind him you carried it for 9months and he only donated a fluid.

If there is anything greater and vile than the word selfishness, I would label you that.


Let me give you a reality check.

Go rent a room, live alone for just a year and see how lonely it feels;
-To cook and have no one to taste or eat it with you,
-To feel sick and have no one except your parents who won't be there forever care for you,
-To live in a house where the only voice you hear is yours. You are probably living in an hostel with friends I guess so you may not understand this. Those friends would move on with their lives very soon and you have to do same with yours.
-To have no one to ask for advise even for the most mundane things.
-To watch TV and shout alone. Comment alone, talk to yourself like a sicko ALL YOUR LIFE.

Do we even need to bring in the fact that you are bringing a child into an unbalanced home. If your parents broke up or you were brought up by a single parent that does not warrant you choosing to delibrately bringing up a child into the world to the same challenges/problems you passed through.

Since you have this wild imagination. The above is not beyond your scope. Just imagine all these and come back to your senses.

Marriage is not the all in all, but we would have more crazy, aggressive and weird people on our streets without marriage. You sound "damaged" and men hating but trust me that would not solve your problem.

ImBae:


Falling in love is all nice and sweet. Finding the right person is the problem. Men have short attention span, today they are in love with you, tomorrow they are chasing after someone else. Not willing to take the risk again, heartbreak isn't fun.

Like women are the only ones who suffer heartbreak and men are made of stone?

Learn to deal with it, all men are once in their lifetime heartbroken. Most have just learnt it's not the end of the world and you don't succeed at one trial. They learn their mistakes and move on and never stop hoping and trying out new relationships. That's the definition of those who court success. They are never deterred by failure to try again.

If anything, women are the ones who have short attention span as they are always weighing "materialistic" things in the relationship. Always attaching value(what they would gain) to a relationship. Date a woman now who you buy gifts for stop it due to some hardship and she would assume you don't love her anymore.

Just accept it. You have built up a complex to hate men and would always allude your failures to them.

johnny1980:


Like women are the only ones who suffer heartbreak and men are made of stone?

Learn to deal with it, all men are once in their lifetime heartbroken. Most have just learnt it's not the end of the world and you don't succeed at one trial. They learn their mistakes and move on and never stop hoping and trying out new relationships. That's the definition of those who court success. They are never deterred by failure to try again.

If anything, women are the ones who have short attention span as they are always weighing "materialistic" things in the relationship. Always attaching value(what they would gain) to a relationship. Date a woman now who you buy gifts for stop it due to some hardship and she would assume you don't love her anymore.

Just accept it. You have built up a complex to hate men and would always allude your failures to them.

Yes, not giving up always result in success but this isn't 100 percent true when it comes to relationships. Its not a business contract, its a relationship. You put your emotions into it, you believe you love the person and he loves you back and you believe you both have something real going. Then suddenly you realise its all a lie, you are saying just brush it off and try again times seventy times seven?

Maybe that's true about women, but I don't fit in that description.

I do not hate men. What I feel about man has nothing to do with hate. I'll explain.

ImBae:


Yes, not giving up always result in success but this isn't 100 percent true when it comes to relationships. Its not a business contract, its a relationship. You put your emotions into it, you believe you love the person and he loves you back and you believe you both have something real going. Then suddenly you realise its all a lie, you are saying just brush it off and try again times seventy times seven?

Maybe that's true about women, but I don't fit in that description.

I do not hate men. What I feel about man has nothing to do with hate. I'll explain.

Youve not answered his question

D man brings the house and security


What are u doing for him

Johnny1980

This is my observation about men (Nigerian)

They feel its totally okay for them to cheat, they totally support the Main Chick/Side chick idea, why not? As long as he pays their bills, they shouldn't complain. They have this idea of " A man's heart belongs to just one woman even though he sleeps around".

Does that make any sense?
She should stay home and take care of your house and kids while you go sleeping around and then when you come back, she should give you a warm welcome.

I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy and on three different occasions he cheated with three different girls. This was a guy I loved and who claimed to love me too and who did everything to get me back each time I broke up with him. On his forth attempt to cheat, I had become nonchalant and didn't even bother, my mind was already off the relationship then, this probably made him drop the girl. I finally broke up with him when he left the country.

I had another relationship after then, the guy cheated and we are no longer together. Now, how many more should I try?

I'm not using my own experience alone to judge, I have friends going through the same bull.shit. The sorry part is they are all accepting it now. When I complained about my last relationship to my friend, she said "it doesn't matter if he cheats, as long as you are the one he comes back to. It can't be helped". I was so furious, I didn't know what to say to her.

I don't hate men, I've just given up on them. Even the society support them when they cheat.

ImBae:


Yes, not giving up always result in success but this isn't 100 percent true when it comes to relationships. Its not a business contract, its a relationship. You put your emotions into it, you believe you love the person and he loves you back and you believe you both have something real going. Then suddenly you realise its all a lie, you are saying just brush it off and try again times seventy times seven?

Maybe that's true about women, but I don't fit in that description.

I do not hate men. What I feel about man has nothing to do with hate. I'll explain.

A relationship is like a business no matter how you want to paint it. There's always mutual benefits derived from it by each partner. You should always look out and cut it off once you feel things are not right and you aren't deriving optimal value for what you are investing. The ability of ladies to lie to themselves is what makes them candidates for repeated heartbreaks.

Once a lady starts behaving in way that's unlike what a relationship is, the male is already drawing up lines and comparing with what a true relationship should be. He would definitely cut his losses and move on but you ladies would never see the true picture and face reality but would prefer to stay in that fantasy land until you are badly knocked off. A man wont blame the lady for his stupidity but blame himself for allowing her to scam him and would always work to protect himself in future. He meets another lady and she starts behaving as such, he wouldn't think twice before moving on. That's using experience to work things out but I can't that's true for MAJORITY of ladies I know. They never learn.

If all I see is 10 and someone tells me it is 1000 and I still go on to believe him, then I should not blame him. I should blame myself for being gullible.

All biz or partnership needs skills. if you can't sharpen your skills to be able to detect bullshit or real love then it's your fault and not the fault of the society. You failed to do your homework. Take responsibility and don't deflect it.

pickabeau1:


Youve not answered his question

D man brings the house and security


What are u doing for him

I didn't see a question there.

But if what you are saying is that since the man provides the house and security and you (the woman) don't seem to do anything for him, you should kiss his a.ss, I'll address that.

I'll agree to the fact that most of our women are materialistic and they'll totally worship a guy with money and probably leave him when he has nothing. I can't explain why this is so, but I will say something based on my own background and perception.

If I am in a relationship, its a relationship and I'm in it because I want to be with you and not because of what I want to get from you and I expect that that's your reason for being in a relationship with me too.

Now you provide the house and security, you do so because you are the head of the house and you shouldn't expect me your wife to reward you for doing what you are supposed to do. If you want me to provide the house and security, fine but you'll be giving that position to me and in this case you should kiss my as.s too cos I provide the house and security.

ImBae:
Johnny1980


I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy and on three different occasions he cheated with three different girls. This was a guy I loved and who claimed to love me too and who did everything to get me back each time I broke up with him. On his forth attempt to cheat, I had become nonchalant and didn't even bother, my mind was already off the relationship then, this probably made him drop the girl. I finally broke up with him when he left the country.

I had another relationship after then, the guy cheated and we are no longer together. Now, how many more should I try?

I'm not using my own experience alone to judge, I have friends going through the same bull.shit. The sorry part is they are all accepting it now. When I complained about my last relationship to my friend, she said "it doesn't matter if he cheats, as long as you are the one he comes back to. It can't be helped". I was so furious, I didn't know what to say to her.

I don't hate men, I've just given up on them. Even the society support them when they cheat.

You see exactly what I was saying. You saw that he cheated but preferred to stay. You say he cheated thrice. I would say it is much more than that. Let's inverse roles, once a typical catches you cheating. You already destroyed the trust in a relationship. He may forgive you but truth is he is mapping out exit strategies and already courting another lady because he has standards and would not lie to himself like you did.

He loved you- Fantasy land
He cheated on you- Reality. (He doesn't love you one bit.If he does he won't hurt you or would endlessly try to hide it)

A man would face reality and cut his losses, but like I said earlier most ladies don't want to feel pain and would take easy route out. I.e lying to themselves that they are in love and would stay back.

Yes , the society may be a bit fairer to a particular gender but the same society tells you to have standards and use your head. Tough decisions are pain and most guys would take it and see it as a learning curve but ladies (just imagine what your friend said). Nah, they always want the easy way out

Are the men to be blamed if the ladies want the easy way out and they capitalise on such? NO

ImBae:


I didn't see a question there.

But if what you are saying is that since the man provides the house and security and you (the woman) don't seem to do anything for him, you should kiss his a.ss, I'll address that.

I'll agree to the fact that most of our women are materialistic and they'll totally worship a guy with money and probably leave him when he has nothing. I can't explain why this is so, but I will say something based on my own background and perception.

If I am in a relationship, its a relationship and I'm in it because I want to be with you and not because of what I want to get from you and I expect that that's your reason for being in a relationship with me too.

Now you provide the house and security, you do so because you are the head of the house and you shouldn't expect me your wife to reward you for doing what you are supposed to do. If you want me to provide the house and security, fine but you'll be giving that position to me and in this case you should kiss my as.s too cos I provide the house and security.

You sort of answered it

In your relationship you want to have an open marriage
You want to be provided for

I ask what do u offer d man that he will stay with you n not go to a woman who offers him romance

johnny1980:


A relationship is like a business no matter how you want to paint it. There's always mutual benefits derived from it by each partner. You should always look out and cut it off once you feel things are not right and you aren't deriving optimal value for what you are investing. The ability of ladies to lie to themselves is what makes them candidates for repeated heartbreaks.

Once a lady starts behaving in way that's unlike what a relationship is, the male is already drawing up lines and comparing with what a true relationship should be. He would definitely cut his losses and move on but you ladies would never see the true picture and face reality but would prefer to stay in that fantasy land until you are badly knocked off. A man wont blame the lady for his stupidity but blame himself for allowing her to scam him and would always work to protect himself in future. He meets another lady and she starts behaving as such, he wouldn't think twice before moving on. That's using experience to work things out but I can't that's true for MAJORITY of ladies I know. They never learn.

If all I see is 10 and someone tells me it is 1000 and I still go on to believe him, then I should not blame him. I should blame myself for being gullible.

All biz or partnership needs skills. if you can't sharpen your skills to be able to detect bullshit or real love then it's your fault and not the fault of the society. You failed to do your homework. Take responsibility and don't deflect it.

Ladies aren't wired the same way men are. We are emotional beings. I am a very emotional person myself, and I don't see most of my mistakes until I'm out of the relationship and reality sets in. I take responsibility for my actions actually especially my last relationship- I shouldn't have. For these reasons, I'm not willing to try again.

This not to say I take all the responsibilities. There's a problem with the menfolk

Rantings from another one who isn't good enough to get a man. Ask the married ladies here if they got their men from the moon.

No man would waste his time on you when there are so many young girls who offer more than you can. Infact the men can't even go round. You are one of the unfortunate ones. Sorry about that but you know that life isn't fair. Some of you make it look like marriage is hell but some women are having it good.

The problem here isn't marriage... The problem is you.
If you realize this then you might get a solution. Dumb all these your " marriage in Nigeria doesn't work" bullcrap. You women won't get tired of shifting the goal post when things don't go your way.

pickabeau1:



You sort of answered it

In your relationship you want to have an open marriage
You want to be provided for

I ask what do u offer d man that he will stay with you n not go to a woman who offers him romance

We'll make an arrangement as regards provision, its 50/50 cos kids are involved.

Well, no one is going to bother him about his other relationships..some men want that

Plus I'm not asking him to stay with me, I'm saying be a baby daddy and housemate.

I doubt if it is possible to leave with a man for so long and not have emotions for him, that is a big fat lie.

There was a time I had to stay in a place for a year and I met this igbo girl who said point blank she hated yoruba men and won't have anything to do with them because one had jilted her already. I just told her all yorubas aren't like that and I will redeem my tribes men with my ways, I had 2 disadvantage
1. I was yoruba
2. I am a muslim
Well to cut the long story short I didn't let the relationship develop into anything, I allowed myself to be friend zoned because she had a bf and I wasn't interested in her anyway but if I had a rotten mind, I know I would have broken the girls heart.

Once the man starts bringing home or seeing other ladies, you will get heartache

No how in just 2months of living together, the man will win ur heart and get into your pants, men are seductive machine and know how to play round womens heart.

If I was your child and you told me this your plan, it will affect me psychologically, don't bring a serial opposite sex killer to this world.

iykedare:
Rantings from another one who isn't good enough to get a man. Ask the married ladies here if they got their men from the moon.

Lol, you're saying all women are married to prince charming and they have their happily ever after.

johnny1980:


You see exactly what I was saying. You saw that he cheated but preferred to stay. You say he cheated thrice. I would say it is much more than that. Let's inverse roles, once a typical catches you cheating. You already destroyed the trust in a relationship. He may forgive you but truth is he is mapping out exit strategies and already courting another lady because he has standards and would not lie to himself like you did.

He loved you- Fantasy land
He cheated on you- Reality. (He doesn't love you one bit.If he does he won't hurt you or would endlessly try to hide it)

A man would face reality and cut his losses, but like I said earlier most ladies don't want to feel pain and would take easy route out. I.e lying to themselves that they are in love and would stay back.

Yes , the society may be a bit fairer to a particular gender but the same society tells you to have standards and use your head. Tough decisions are pain and most guys would take it and see it as a learning curve but ladies (just imagine what your friend said). Nah, they always want the easy way out

Are the men to be blamed if the ladies want the easy way out and they capitalise on such? NO

So you're saying I should keep trying out relationships till I get the right person.

That's a whole lot of physical and emotional stress.

ImBae:


So you're saying I should keep trying out relationships till I get the right person.

That's a whole lot of physical and emotional stress.

That makes more sense than that your plan. Its never too late to get married. Work on yourself .

ImBae:
Johnny1980

This is my observation about men (Nigerian)

They feel its totally okay for them to cheat, they totally support the Main Chick/Side chick idea, why not? As long as he pays their bills, they shouldn't complain. They have this idea of " A man's heart belongs to just one woman even though he sleeps around".

Does that make any sense?
She should stay home and take care of your house and kids while you go sleeping around and then when you come back, she should give you a warm welcome.

As for your definition or observations. This is untrue and lacks empirical facts. There are many men out there who don't cheat and the cheats are just a fragment of the total population. You know what I have learnt about you ladies. You work yourself into this situation. I was reading another post on here which said 80% of all women are looking up to 20% of men as their ideal candidates for a relationship. I.e Almost 80% of ladies are looking for a tall, handsome, intelligent and rich guy to be in a relationship with.

The truth is those that fit that criteria are just like 20% of the total male population which can never go round the 80% of females who desire them This scenario has created a situation where almost all ladies are flocking to this small percentage of men which cannot go round thus most ladies would know they have rivals but would want to delude themselves as the main chick to these alpha males or even when he is married believe they can usurp the wife. Fighting tooth and nail to be with him. These males understand this and would gladly oblige their follies and get into the pants of as many as possible promising them they are the one and only. As soon as one of the numerous chicks discovers he is cheating she leaves in anger and is immediately replaced by another side chick who has been waiting for her chance with this alpha male.

The angry lady goes back into the dating market and still sticks to that high level criteria. Tall, dark, handsome and rich. She falls in love with another alpha male. Samething happens. Rinse and repeat. She comes online and shout. All males are cheats. What happened to the other 80% of males?

You must have been in a campus before. This same research alludes that 80% of the sex that happens is shared between these 20% of males. Is this true or not?


So are most men cheats or is it the unsatiable wants of most ladies that push them into the hands of a just a handful of cheats? Just go back to your opening post. See your description of what you wanted in a male and tell me if you wont fall into the hand of a cheat again.

nurey:
I doubt if it is possible to leave with a man for so long and not have emotions for him, that is a big fat lie.

There was a time I had to stay in a place for a year and I met this igbo girl who said point blank she hated yoruba men and won't have anything to do with them because one had jilted her already. I just told her all yorubas aren't like that and I will redeem my tribes men with my ways, I had 2 disadvantage
1. I was yoruba
2. I am a muslim
Well to cut the long story short I didn't let the relationship develop into anything, I allowed myself to be friend zoned because she had a bf and I wasn't interested in her anyway but if I had a rotten mind, I know I would have broken the girls heart.

Once the man starts bringing home or seeing other ladies, you will get heartache

No how in just 2months of living together, the man will win ur heart and get into your pants, men are seductive machine and know how to play round womens heart.

If I was your child and you told me this your plan, it will affect me psychologically, don't bring a serial opposite sex killer to this world.

We'll have rules and regulations.
He doesn't bring them home and the kids won't know about the plan.

I understand its risky, I'm reconsidering.

ImBae:


So you're saying I should keep trying out relationships till I get the right person.

That's a whole lot of physical and emotional stress.

Just one phrase.

NOTHING GOOD COMES EASY.

ImBae:


Ladies aren't wired the same way men are. We are emotional beings. I am a very emotional person myself, and I don't see most of my mistakes until I'm out of the relationship and reality sets in. I take responsibility for my actions actually especially my last relationship- I shouldn't have. For these reasons, I'm not willing to try again.

This not to say I take all the responsibilities. There's a problem with the menfolk

Another lie they have told you ladies and you daily use it to justify your failures. Always hiding from taking responsibility.

If I ever get to give birth to a female child, first thing I would instill in her is to learn to take responsibility for anything that happens to her. Train her to know she's no different from anybody and her physical limitations is not an excuse for failure. Every gender have their limitations. Every gender have emotions and they have just learnt to adapt it to suit their survival. She should work on it and never whine.

johnny1980:


As for your definition or observations. This is untrue and lacks empirical facts. There are many men out there who don't cheat and the cheats are just a fragment of the total population. You know what I have learnt about you ladies. You work yourself into this situation. I was reading another post on here which said 80% of all women are looking up to 20% of men as their ideal candidates for a relationship. I.e Almost 80% of ladies are looking for a tall, handsome, intelligent and rich guy to be in a relationship with.

The truth is those that fit that criteria are just like 20% of the total male population which can never go round the 80% of females who desire them This scenario has created a situation where almost all ladies are flocking to this small percentage of men which cannot go round thus most ladies would know they have rivals but would want to delude themselves as the main chick to these alpha males or even when he is married believe they can usurp the wife. Fighting tooth and nail to be with him. These males understand this and would gladly oblige their follies and get into the pants of as many as possible promising them they are the one and only. As soon as one of the numerous chicks discovers he is cheating she leaves in anger and is immediately replaced by another side chick who has been waiting for her chance with this alpha male.

The angry lady goes back into the dating market and still sticks to that high level criteria. Tall, dark, handsome and rich. She falls in love with another alpha male. Samething happens. Rinse and repeat. She comes online and shout. All males are cheats. What happened to the other 80% of males?

You must have been in a campus before. This same research alludes that 80% of the sex that happens is shared between these 20% of males. Is this true or not?


So are most men cheats or is it the unsatiable wants of most ladies that push them into the hands of a just a handful of cheats? Just go back to your opening post. See your description of what you wanted in a male and tell me if you wont fall into the hand of a cheat again.

I don't agree with your analysis.
I do not have a "type" or a particular description of what I want in a male. I like who I like as long as he's intelligent and I'm not bluffing.

Rich, Tall, Dark and Handsome yeah? My last boyfriend does not fall within this description and he cheated, same as the one before.

Many married men cheat and they are not even close to this description.

I would say that for most women, its all about the money, they don't care if you ugly or light skinned.

johnny1980:


Just one phrase.

NOTHING GOOD COMES EASY.

Lol.

For how long should I keep searching before I find the "Good" thing?

ImBae:


I don't agree with your analysis.
I do not have a "type" or a particular description of what I want in a male. I like who I like as long as he's intelligent and I'm not bluffing.

Rich, Tall, Dark and Handsome yeah? My last boyfriend does not fall within this description and he cheated, same as the one before.

Many married men cheat and they are not even close to this description.

I would say that for most women, its all about the money, they don't care if you ugly or light skinned.

You just agreed to the analysis. In every society, what people categorise as the top 20 percentile defers. In Nigeria, a man with lots of money to throw around is what most ladies consider as the alpha male which is also just 20% of the total population.

Flash cash and you see Nigerian ladies flocking round you. You can't deny the guys you dated weren't above average and were sort after by most ladies around you.

Lol.
For how long should I keep searching before I find the
"Good" thing?

Have you ever considered the other 80%?

Someone without the allure that most ladies want? Those who you would currently rate as 5 out of 10?

Would you date that guy who you rate as below you in ratings but has the potential to grow if nutured? I would assume you have patience.

Those good things abound in their thousands. You are just blinded by your "wants" to see them. They are part of the numerous guys you have placed on your perpetual friend zone.

If you must know this same posting or research alludes that most females see obviously good males as below average(a woman would see a man who is actually 5 as a 2) while a typical man sees an average woman as average.

ImBae:


We'll make an arrangement as regards provision, its 50/50 cos kids are involved.

Well, no one is going to bother him about his other relationships..some men want that

Plus I'm not asking him to stay with me, I'm saying be a baby daddy and housemate.

But you will also be a career woman with your own money so do u need to insert yourself in a loveless marriage when you can as well become a single mom and have your pick of men or have men pick you at your convenience

I checked you profile to see how you look but was disappointed, if a man must agree to ur proposal you must at least look gorgeous.

Good luck may the Good Lord grant you your wishes. May you meet your ceremonial husband.