http://brando.tickld.com/x/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time

Woman Realizes That She’s Been Accidentally Abusing Her Husband This Whole Time... Wow.


My "Aha Moment" happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he'd gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat - which means it's 70% lean and 30% fat.

I asked, "What's this?"

"Hamburger meat," he replied, slightly confused.

"You didn't get the right kind," I said.

"I didn't?" He replied with his brow furrowed. " Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"

"No. You're missing the point, " I said. "You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20."

He laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."

That's how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why can't I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasn't he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?

As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, "I never noticed," "I really don't think it's that big of a deal," and "I'll get it right next time," I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I'd seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. That's when it hit me. "Why am I doing this? I'm not his mom."

I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn't know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, "Yeah. I guess we'll make do with this. I'm going to start dinner."

He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.

And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I'd just done. And what I'd been doing to him for years, probably. The "hamburger meat moment," as I've come to call it, certainly wasn't the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.

Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I've taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I'm accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think it's reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he's wrong? When did "my way" become "the only way?" When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn't like as if he were making some kind of mistake?

And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, "Wow! I'm sure glad she was there to set me straight?" I highly doubt it. He probably feels like I'm harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I'm pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.

Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didn't tell me, he said, "I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn't want you to have a conniption fit over it." #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he'd thrown them away. He said, "They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn't want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don't know how to wash clothes after 35 years."

So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels he's not allowed to make mistakes?

And let's look at these "offenses": A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though he'd clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he's sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he'll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, "I guess it just doesn't matter that much to me."

I know now that what he means is, "this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don't see why you're making it such a big deal." But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didn't care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like "this guy just doesn't get it." I am clearly the brains of this operation.

I started thinking about what I'd observed with my friends' relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasn't alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. There's even a phrase to reinforce it: "Happy wife, happy life." That doesn't leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?

It's an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements - they're all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He can't cook. He can't take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, he'll come back with two — and they'll both be wrong. We see it again and again.

What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says "we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you'll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation." Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If he's confident with himself and who he is, he'll come to resent you. If he's at all unsure about himself, he'll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.

Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I'm sure there are untold numbers of women who don't ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I'm sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don't think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn't display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, "We can just order a pizza." The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? "Accidents happen," was his only response.

I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd made those mistakes.

So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn't he bite my head off when I don't do things the way he likes? I'd be a fool to think it doesn't happen. And yet I don't remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn't seem he's as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?

Maybe I should take what's he always said at face value. The fact that these little things "really don't matter that much to him" is not a sign that he's lazy, or that he's incapable of learning, or that he just doesn't give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind — and justifiably so. They're not the kinds of things to start fights over. They're not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn't make him dumb or inept. He's just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it's why he doesn't freak out when he's on the other side of the fence.

The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He's not my servant. He's not my employee. He's not my child. I didn't think he was stupid when I married him - otherwise I wouldn't have. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by me because I don't like the way he does some things.

When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. He's intelligent. He's a good person. He's devoted. He's awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he's always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I'm not alone in this.

If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us", then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true.

In my case it's my husband of 12+ years I'm talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.

He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I'm not always 100% consistent, but I know I've gotten a lot better. And I've seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think we're both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. I've even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!

It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does that's not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it's just hamburger meat.

This post originally appeared on Reddit.

she needs to read this

kilokeys:
she needs to read this

Lols

@OP:

Lovely post and very useful too.

Got out of the cage of my way is better domestically years back.

Good one

Lord, make us sweet wives for our husbands

And I hope the woman has apologized a great deal.

bukatyne:


Lols

if she serves me what u have on ur dp.. she could nag till eternity.. mehn. i miss those

kilokeys:

if she serves me what u have on ur dp.. she could nag till eternity.. mehn. i miss those

She is a wonderful cook et al, just that she nags?

Please copy and paste This on word for her to read. You can tweak to your peculiar situation and from a man's OP

A lady in same shoes could do same too.

What an article! Full of soul and truth

bukatyne:


She is a wonderful cook et al, just that she nags?

Please copy and paste This on word for her to read. You can tweak to your peculiar situation and from a man's OP

A lady in same shoes could do same too.

i look married?.. see my life.. wey i dey reason marriage as vision 2020 project..
i just dey speak on behalf of many guys suffering this abuse

kilokeys:


i look married?.. see my life.. wey i dey reason marriage as vision 2020 project..
i just dey speak on behalf of many guys suffering this abuse

Lols

No wahala

Great exposition for others too.
Most of us don't know when we get out of line for things that don't really matter.

I'm happy for her she's realized it.
But after 35yrs?
Poor guy must have resigned himself to life with a nag.

*I love that I get out of breath if I as much as made 10 complete sentences concurrently.
It helps me NEVER have to open my mouth and talk much about anything except it is absolutely important.
Can't find myself complaining about irrelevant things.

Interesting

Hmmm an apt and incisive piece! I have to watch out so as not to tow the same line. I must confess I hv learnt a thing or two from this article. Thanks Op for sharing.

a beg summary

after all these self corrections she didn't apologise to him but rather kept her"pride"well am sure this is not a naija marriage the hubby's kin would have dragged her to a shrine

kilokeys:
she needs to read this

she bullys you?

DollyParton1:

she bullys you?

babe? naah.

boss? yeah.

This one too long o.na encyclopedia ni. You just dey write am dey go like scroll




wanem Abeg summary




eyin omo Igbo shebi I get am?

When some of us tell you folks on nairaland that this is a growing problem and that men should not tolerate such behaviour, you call us misogynists. The only reason my wife will try this nonsense is if no longer has plans of eating that night. And why won't she continue with the silly habit when the mumu husband just stood there absorbing all her negativity and he didn't leave till she was done. Chai, oyinbo done spoil marriage finish. I'm sure she could have divorced him if he walked out on her, not to talk of asking whether or not she's mad. Abi is burger not burger again?

FrancisTony, come and see your mentor o.

Timbuktou:
When some of us tell you folks on nairaland that this is a growing problem and that men should not tolerate such behaviour, you call us misogynists. The only reason my wife will try this nonsense is if no longer has plans of eating that night. And why won't she continue with the silly habit when the mumu husband just stood there absorbing all her negativity and he didn't leave till she was done. Chai, oyinbo done spoil marriage finish. I'm sure she could have divorced him if he walked out on her, not to talk of asking whether or not she's mad. Abi is burger not burger again?

FrancisTony, come and see your mentor o.

Dig out any of my post(s) where I supported that a woman can boss or bully a man while he'd be looking like mumu.

Thanks!

Not in support of the nagging and all, but dare I point out the husband's glaring incompetence?

EnlightenedSoul:
Not in support of the nagging and all, but dare I point out the husband's glaring incompetence?

Exactly!

Lessening one's ego, doesn't mean a man should allow a woman boss him.

Men in this section are pathetic.

FrancisTony:

Exactly!

Lessening one's ego, doesn't mean a man should allow a woman boss him.

Men in this section are pathetic.

It's not 'bossing', per se. She became a terrible nag after years of incompetence. I mean, it outta be annoying that after 12 years of marriage and 12 years eating 80/20 patties, she still can't entrust him with a simple grocery list, JS.

I sorta felt sorry for her alongside him in this tbh.

Nice one.
But i do have a bone to pick;i didn't see the part where she apologised to him for her past behaviour after she realised her mistake.
Her husband is extremely patient o(probably phlegmatic)to have endured all that from her. If it were me i'd simply become indifferent towards that person,even my mum doesn't reprimand me like that.
Life is a lot easier when you take responsibility,shout and argue less and stop bossing others around. Glad her eyes have become open

EnlightenedSoul:
Not in support of the nagging and all, but dare I point out the husband's glaring incompetence?

How dare you say that before I got the chance to? Like wtf?

I'm all for not nagging, as quite frankly that's like too much job and makes me feel like the other party actually enjoys it(weird right), don't like to give anyone the satisfaction, so I'd rather we sit and trash it out, reaching an agreement, biko, but how can a grow man be that incompetent? I don't think I can put up with such, it wouldn't hurt to try to do things right, everyone is happy at the end.

freecocoa:
How dare you say that before I got the chance to? Like wtf?

I'm all for not nagging, as quite frankly that's like too much job and makes me feel like the other party actually enjoys it(weird right), don't like to give anyone the satisfaction, so I'd rather we sit and trash it out, reaching an agreement, biko, but how can a grow man be that incompetent? I don't think I can put up with such, it wouldn't hurt to try to do things right, everyone is happy at the end.

So it's not just me

I know I like things a certain way, and being a bit heavy on the meticulous side of things personality-wise, I guess I felt her pain as I read through the passage. Like, "OMG, why can't he get that right after all that time. It's so not that hard", lol. I still don't get it. But you know what? I felt his pain too. It can't have been fun to be on the receiving end of that for years either (yh, still not getting the why of it).

Well, at least she came to accept him, incompetence or no. It just took her an odd 12+ years to do so.

I'd probably be irritated af tbh, lol.

EnlightenedSoul:



So it's not just me

I know I like things a certain way, and being a bit heavy on the meticulous side of things personality-wise, I guess I felt her pain as I read through the passage. Like, "OMG, why can't he get that right after all that time. It's so not that hard", lol. I still don't get it. But you know what? I felt his pain too. It can't have been fun to be on the receiving end of that for years either (yh, still not getting the why of it).

Well, at least she came to accept him, incompetence or no. It just it took her an odd 12+ years to do so.

I'd probably be irritated af tbh, lol.

it's not just you o, I actually kind of felt for him too because she should atleast know such things about him before saying I do, instead of marrying him only to nag him.

freecocoa:
it's not just you o, I actually kind of felt for him too because she should atleast know such things about him before saying I do, instead of marrying him only to nag him.

What was she to do? Hand him a list before proceeding with the nuptials?

I kid

EnlightenedSoul:


What was she to do? Hand him a list before preceding with the nuptials?

I kid

Lol.

I don dey read epistles these days oo
I finished this one too?

Really interesting article. . Some people take life too seriously and rigidly. . Acting like they're perfect. ..Very selfish woman.. Thank God she's repented though.

EnlightenedSoul:
Not in support of the nagging and all, but dare I point out the husband's glaring incompetence?

I see no atom of incompetence in him but rather patience and endurance. . Isn't the man human and bound to make mistakes? The wife was acting all perfect and feeling like a boss whose dealings MUST be done just the way she felt.. Whenever the man did anything outside what she wanted, she blew them out of proportion, never gave the man a chance to be free and do things his own way in HIS own house. .. even to the point where the man had to hide things just to avoid the woman's nagging, such emotional abuse...

If you said incompetence in terms of not standing his ground and saying NO to some of his wife's commands, better!! But calling the man incompetence cos he made mistakes, I disagree. .. is anyone all perfect? Was the wife in question all perfect? NO ..Did the man in question make a mountain out of the woman's mistakes? ? NO..... such easygoing man!!

Also, most 'mistakes' the man did were never intended.. if the woman wanted certain things done in a certain way, then she should learn to do them herself. .
During the period of nagging, she forgot all the man's good attitudes. . Or was the man overly bad??

Life is so easy but we tend to make it so hard by holding on to little things, finding irrelevant faults...

freecocoa:
Lol.

You never truly know someone 'til you share a space.

MarvellousGod:
Really interesting article. . Some people take life too seriously and rigidly. . Acting like they're perfect. ..


I see no atom of incompetence in him but rather patience and endurance. . Isn't the man human and bound to make mistakes? The wife was acting all perfect and feeling like a boss whose dealings MUST be done just the way she felt.. Whenever the man did anything outside what she wanted, she blew them out of proportion, never gave the man a chance to be free and do things his own way in HIS own house. .. even to the point where the man had to hide things just to avoid the woman's nagging, such emotional abuse...

If you said incompetence in terms of not standing his ground and saying NO to some of his wife's commands, better!! But calling the man incompetence cos he made mistakes, I disagree. .. is anyone all perfect? Was the wife in question all perfect? NO ..Did the man in question make a mountain out of the woman's mistakes? ? NO.....

Also, most 'mistakes' the man did were never intended.. if the woman wanted certain things done in a certain way, then she should learn to do them herself. .
During the period of nagging, she forgot all the man's good attitudes. . Or was the man overly bad??

Life is so easy but we tend to make it so hard by holding on to little things, finding irrelevant faults...

I think we may have a different perspective on this. Human and bound to mistakes, yes. But the same exact 'mistakes' over and over again for over a decade is cause for varying levels of exasperation/frustration/annoyance in anyone. Also, the devil is in the details, my dear. Every time she spoke of her mistakes it was always "That one time I did X...he did not make a fuss", "When Y occurred, he said "accidents happen"", etc. Now, I'm sure he would've found fault (I know I sure as hell would've) with her 'MISTAKES' if she was, oh idk, burning the dinner constantly (leading to him having to order takeout every night), scratching the car constantly on her way out, ruining clothes during laundry constantly, breaking glass constantly, constantly to the point she starts hiding her mistakes from you for their sheer number, her own embarrassment, and the possibility of undergoing another nag sesh, etc.

The fact is, when someone you live with is making the same constant blunders, assuming you're human, you WILL be annoyed. As it were, this woman let it get the best of her, and she morphed into some kind of b--*tchy nag of sorts, yh I get it. But being that is I outrightly condemned her behavior, I'm not exactly sure why you're keen on pinning her act on Moi, nor why you're acting like I implied, in any way, that the guy was a "bad" man...EVER. Unless, of course, by 'bad' you mean 'incompetent', which regrettably he is. Perhaps we should agree to disagree on that front.

Excuse my language - I'm really tired.