Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... - Islam for Muslims (5) - Nairaland
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| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by omostar: 7:59pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
greatestluv4all: I know waiting can be hard. However, If I were in your shoes, I would wait and keep hoping I will find a single man because I find it really hard to be a second wife, not only for my sake, but also for the sake of the first wife. Marrying a non muslim is also definitely not an option. This is because, I can not trade my hereafter for this world. Also, from my experience, being a christian doesn't mean a man can not be polygamous. I have a sister married to a christian ( a pastor for that matter) and the man still had another "wife" secretly. If I however have to compulsorily choose between those two options, then I will definitely go with the married muslim. Wish you all the best. 2 Likes |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by dhabeautyjas(f): 8:08pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
Op. if I were u. non of them is suitable? infact u have even done wrong by dating those you don't intend marrying. 1, the non Muslim that's asking you to change before he marries you. if you do it... be ready to compromise on so many things in your life. 2. I can not tolerate being a 2nd wife so I cant advise u to do same? ILE olorogun, ogun ni. o 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Olayemi244(m): 8:14pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
You girls shouldn't copy what others are doing. Because you never know what and where Allah has destined you to be successful and be bless....BEST ADVICE IS THAT SHE SHOULD PUT PRAYER IN EVERYTHING |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by omostar: 8:14pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
tajudeent: Why do you just throw the world shirk about like that  Please be careful with that word. What has polygamy got to do with shirk for crying out loud1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by AlBaqir(m): 8:23pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
ladkud: First, you need to understand the concept of al-istikhara. The word come from "khair (good, best)". It simply means "seeking the best". And who can provide a servant with the best choice save the Creator the All-Knowing, Allah?! Second, it is the duty of all Muslims to seek for the best in all affair by imploring his Lord to choose for him/her. Therefore there are daily dua that guide in this regard. Even "ih'dina siratal mustaqim" which we recite many times in sura al-fatiha in our daily salat is a form of Istikhara. Third, what is the use of our aql (intellect)? It is a gift by our Creator to guide us in our choices. It is what Allah talks to inform of inspiration if you nurse it in His way. Otherwise shaytan will whisper into it and misguide it. Where is "special Istikhara" needed? It is in the 50-50 issue. Fourth, in the case of the OP, there is no istikhara for the so-called choice between a christian and a Muslim. Islam condemn a muslima marrying a Christian man as her faith might be affected. What is the need of Istikhara in marrying a married man? It is your choice of reality. Use your aql. You only use Istikhara when you have two undecided matters. But in this case, the sister have a choice to wait for her right choice with dua rather than going into a polygamous life full of conflict. This is reality. 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by omostar: 8:24pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
HarkymTheOracle: But don't you think if the christian guy loves her, he wouldn't insist on her becoming a christian before he can marry her? |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by fajani(m): 8:41pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
greatestluv4all:Sister I advice you to follow the non-muslim... Religious is a believe... It doesn't change the fact that Allah is called God.. shun discrimination and enjoy urself with only man that take u special... I am a Christian but I am dating a Muslim, nothing is bad.... Love matters ....... 2 Likes |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by intergral(m): 9:25pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
MrOlai:you are right cos I don't know if muslims in southwest do such things but I know Northern muslim will not in the first place Ask such a question, my 9year old niece will answer this question. Its is the samething as asking if fishes could wear shoes and walk.... May Allah grant us more knowledge and understanding. 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by blakky97(m): 9:25pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
greatestluv4all:Did you not know that your religion would bar you from the christian before you guys got to this level before? Like... I won't date a girl from ALUU, because I won't marry her eventually. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by larryburton: 9:39pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
fajani:Love matters? Is there love in this case at all? Love is real. Love don't discriminate. There is discrimination in this case, by man; "drop your believe and accept mine" is a form of discrimination. On the other hand, the sister hasn't mentioned that the married man does not love her. Likewise the state of previous marriage has not been mentioned. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Nobody: 9:42pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
If I were in yur shoe sis, frm the begining, I wldnt av started any relationship wt a non-muslim. Pls let the non-muslim go. Evaluate if yur love ffor the married man can withstand the stress in polygamy. Av sm patience andd don't let the age stuffs push yu. May Allah be our guide 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Snt13: 9:56pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
zayhal: |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by GoodGovernance: 10:03pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
This is a very simple matter.I wonder why we like complicating simple matters. If you cannot cope as a second wife,then wait for a single muslim. A single muslim is as common as a single christian! And by the way,I hope you are aware that most men are either discretely(non-Islamically) or openly(Islamically) polygamous.THE TRUTH IS BITTER! |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by athari22: 10:35pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
Polygamy is often seen as the end of a happy marriage, but it need not be that at all. Take it from me, I’m a happily married first wife and I’m friends with my co-wife, masha Allah; in fact she’s sitting in the same room as me as I’m typing this. Polygamy can work if the husband and both or all wives go about it in the right way. I have heard many horror stories about polygamy gone very wrong, and in all those cases, at least one person in the marriage was not following the Qur’an and Sunnah, usually the husband. Polygamy requires us to adhere to everything that Allah has taught us about marriage, and to follow the example of Muhammad and his wives. This is the foundation upon which any marriage, monogamous or polygamous, is built, but with polygamy, it’s even more critical. Without this foundation, it isn’t going to succeed. While polygamy is frequently seen as benefiting the husband to the detriment of the wives, the reality is that it’s far more difficult for the husband. He has to not only fulfil the rights of both wives and support both families financially and emotionally, he has to juggle his time between them, settle any disputes and difficulties that arise, and all the while ensure that he’s being just and fair. The penalty for him failing to treat his wives equally is being raised up on the day of Judgement with half his body paralysed. The Qur’an strongly warns men that if they can’t be just between their wives, they are truly better off with only one. For men that take Islam seriously, polygamy is a huge and weighty responsibility and it’s an arduous task to get it right. Meanwhile, each wife has no more responsibility than a monogamously married wife, and in some cases (e.g. where the wives choose to share accommodation) they can end up with a lot less responsibility than monogamous wives, as they share the running of the household and help each other out with the children. Sharing love One of the biggest fears women have of polygamy comes from a misunderstanding about the nature of love. Love is seen as something finite which has to be shared between people, so if a man takes a second wife, it’s assumed that he must love his first wife less because of it. The truth is that love is infinite and does not need to be shared between people. Just as when a mother has a second child she still loves her first child as much as ever, when a man takes a second wife he still loves his first wife just as much. Good Muslim men who choose polygamy do so because they truly want to love and protect two or more women. If he really didn’t love the first, divorcing her then remarrying is a much easier option for him both financially and emotionally than having two wives. Sharing time What you share in polygamy is your husband’s time. Whether spending less time with your husband is a good thing or a bad thing depends on your outlook. Of course it’s natural to want to spend plenty of time with people you love, but we also need time for ourselves. On the days when he’s with his other wife, there is no benefit in sitting around missing him. Instead, treat it as a time for you, and a chance to enjoy things that married women find it hard to make time for. On your nights with him, you have a husband to share your bed with; on the other nights you get the whole bed to yourself and can snuggle up with a good book and have some “me time”. Plan your evenings when you’re not with him to do things that you enjoy, so you look forward to your evenings without him as much as your evenings with him. Co-wife rivalry Try not to see your co-wife as a rival. Instead, try to focus on strengthening your relationship with your husband. If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, then it’s only natural that you’d see the other wife as a threat. If you are sure of your relationship with your husband, then ask yourself why you feel threatened, and remind yourself of what you have. If your husband is going to love you and stand by you no matter what, then what can she take from you? A useful piece of advice I heard from a brother is “the insecurity of the first wife is that the second wife is her replacement and he doesn’t love her any more. The insecurity of the second wife is that the first wife is his first love and he’ll never love her as much as he loves his first.” This reminds us that the other wife has her own doubts, and to see clearly what we have instead. Look at why your husband loves you and try not to dwell on what he may or may not feel about her. No love triangles in Islam Focus on your relationship with your husband as a single entity, disconnected from his other marriage. Islamic polygamy is not a triangular relationship; his marriage with you and his marriage with your co-wife are two separate relationships. You are not obliged to have anything to do with your co-wife, but if the two of you choose to be friends, then that’s a third and discrete relationship. This means when you’re with him, the two of you need to act like the other wife doesn’t exist. Enjoy your time with your husband and do all the same things a monogamous couple would do together. If you are friends with your co-wife, don’t discuss your husband when you’re together, and spend time with her when he’s not around. Tackling jealousy Jealousy is best tackled by focusing on what you have. “Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own,” (anon). If you feel jealous about anything, ask yourself if it’s over something that you really want, or whether you desire it simply because your co-wife has it. If it’s the latter, then try to forget about it and remind yourself that you don’t actually want it. If it’s something you really want, then focus on how you can get it for yourself because you would like it, not because she has it. If it’s the relationship you’re jealous of, concentrate on building your own relationship with your husband as though she’s not in the picture. If you feel that he loves her more than you, then maybe he isn’t giving you enough attention or affection, and frame this as a problem in your own relationship that you need to talk to him about and resolve, rather than as a problem with your co-wife. These things won’t eliminate jealousy altogether, but they should minimise it. Remember that even ‘A’isha had times when she was jealous of Muhammad’s other wives, and even broke a plate because of it. When things go wrong If your husband is not dividing up his time fairly, or not fulfilling your rights in Islam then he is the guilty party so don’t blame your co-wife for this. This applies whether it’s something minor or very serious. Speak to him about the problem and tell him how you feel. If he’s a good husband, he’ll do something to rectify the situation. If he doesn’t and you’re having significant problems in your marriage because of it, then you need to go about dealing with it in the same way you would if you were monogamously married. Marriages fail either because one partner is not fulfilling the rights of the other (or worse, abusing the other), or because the two partners are not compatible. This is the same in monogamy and polygamy. Relationships fail sometimes in spite of one or both partners putting in their best efforts, and that’s why divorce is halal. Sometimes men try to fix a failing monogamous marriage by taking a second wife – in my opinion this is like trying to put out a fire in the living room by starting another fire in the kitchen. Other men want all the benefits of polygamy but refuse to accept any of the responsibility and end up treating their wives very badly. There are some situations where staying in a marriage is not in anyone’s best interests. If you find yourself in such a situation, then you do need to know when to call it a day. An important thing to remember is not to blame polygamy itself for the marriage failure. The failure is due to incompatibility, or one partner systematically failing to fulfil their responsibilities to the other. Polygamy, when done according to the Qur’an and Sunnah can work and indeed be beneficial to the wives, and it’s my opinion that it doesn’t need to be feared. We should fear Allah, and be good spouses to each other. We should remember to show our husbands our appreciation of them and all that they do for us, and they need to do the same for us. This is the key to a happy marriage, whether polygamous or monogamous. Insha Allah, by following the advice above, this happiness can be maintained in a polygamous marriage, despite the specific challenges this type of relationship may bring. Dhakiyya is happily married and currently lives in Bahrain. Her co-wife is living nearby, and they have four children between them, aged between 5 months and 6 years. Dhakiyya plans to work as a literacy and English as a foreign language tutor and freelance writer. SISTERS Magazine © 2014 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Kylecares: 10:58pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
subhana llahi,cos of man u want to leave islam can u enter hell cos of man, u have allah can't u call allah nd tell god want u want.god said call me i will answer u,it may be a test cos god has already said that will test us and after passing the test,upliftment.either u married that married man or u have patient to see another muslim man.god will be with u ameen,cc abduwakeel |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by amodu(m): 11:05pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
cilifa: @Cilifa, thanks for the mention. OP, patient is the key. Allah laid emphases on it severely in the glorious Quran. Q 2-153 "Yaa hayua ledhina amonu istaheenu bi sobri wa solati ina llaha maha sobirina"-'O you who believe! seek help in patience and prayer: for Allah is with the patient'. Others mentions are Suratul Al-Imran V 146 & 200. Read further on your own. This is just a test, trial and temptation; so don't and never compromise your religion for anything whatsoever and remember Allah Has warned us that we must not die except we're Muslim. You're a favoured one already, don't be swayed. Those before us were tested as well; I will cite Suratul Al-A'raf verse 126; in the face of temptation from Frihaun, they (the sorcerers) supplicated to Allah thus "Our Lord! Pour uopn us patience, and cause us to die as muslim". |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by amodu(m): 11:08pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
cilifa:@Cilifa, RAMADAN Kareem.....I've not recieve nkan awe ooo. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by bashbabe2: 11:23pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
Lansin: Pls stop misleading people with wrong information. I will advice you to study your Qur'an more. It's clearly a sin for a woman to marry a non muslim, such marriage is invalid. May Allah have mercy on us. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by skak(m): 11:29pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
I dont believe you are a practicing Muslim If not, of what reason do you get to date a non-Muslim in the first place. If you dont want to marry a married man then you have to wait for some time... I am sure your right person will come by Allah's grace. 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Jaydee009: 11:35pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
makzeze:  Only cults kill or threaten to kill its members when they decide to change their views and leave the sect. Islam should stop acting like a cult. "There is no compulsion in religion"...it is in the Quran, except you guys dont believe what you read. Then again that will be hypocrisy!!! My two kobo. 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by sobmos(m): 11:41pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
Proffdada:dey there dey deceive yourself. Ticket kor receipt ni. Ode oshi. Live and let live. If you think that's your own way to God,so be it,stop smearing it on our faces. Enough of the religion hullabaloo. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Proffdada: 11:48pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
sobmos:sorry I can't come down to your level, I'd rather stomp on you |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Jaydee009: 11:59pm On Jun 23, 2015 |
SaniSANOH:    Here goes another hypocrite. For your information people, in Islam, Muslim men are permitted and encouraged to marry non-muslim women, while muslim women are forbidden from marrying non-Muslim men (they are often threatened with death/killed if they disobey). This is one of the ways Islam hopes to further its unbridled lust to dominate the world someday, by hook or by crook! They hope to forcefully conscript the next generation into Islam (i.e. the children of the non-muslim wife). I ask, who is deceiving who? So Allah is happy, dances and celebrates when a muslim man takes and non-muslim wife and converts her to Islam - or at least all her children; but will quickly cast the Muslim woman into hellfire, who decides to wed a non-muslim man, even though she doesnt change her Muslim faith? (a Muslimah who He suppossedly loves and cares for). Does this not speak of double standards. Do you guys worship a God of double standards/a trickster? The One True Allah i know doesnt trick, scam people or operate based on double standards all in a bid to further His agenda, only manipulative humans do that. He says avoid the disbelievers... man or woman. Marry from your own deen, from the true believers. Salaam 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Hevil: 1:30am On Jun 24, 2015 |
You saying you dont want to marry a Muslim because he is Polygamous makes you an "Hypocrite". Isn't that a part of your religious belief. Your religion allows polygamy so why the descrimination against a man abiding by the principles of your religion? It goes to show that religious people sometimes do not believe in their own bullsh!t. If you can question some of the principles of your religion like Polygamy then there is absolutely no need to constrain yourself with Religious barrier. You have your answer already, go for the Christian guy. He is a better option than the muslim guy anytime, anyday. The Christian guy is single, has no baggage of kids and a wife that will be your sworn enemy foreva. Let me put it to you well. Religion is man-made and it has no divinity & nothing to do with the truth. There are over 10,000 different religion in the world. Like most people, you are a Muslim because you were 'Probably' born into a Muslim family. Almost %98 of people belong to the religion they were born into. Had they given birth to you in China & you have no knowledge of Islam. You will probably be a Zen Budhist. Were you born into an Hindu family in India. You will be practising Hinduism. So you see, the choice of your religion has nothing to do with divinity or truth. The simple answer is Geography & childhood indoctrination. That being said.. Always use your CommonSense when making important choices in life. Never let religion be a barrier or a factor in making rational decision. All the barriers we are talking about here are manmade & all in your head. There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Good and bad people. These set of people cut across all religion, race, gender, sexuality and all. So open your eyes wella. You can marry a Muslim and your marriage wont last whereas with a Christian you will be happy all your life and vice-versa. Choose to spend your life with a man that loves u, respect u and would care for you regardless of his Religion. My own advice: Leave the married man alone as you are not comfortable with Polygamy. Infact in Nigeria, Polygamy is the worst thing that can happen to any woman. Ask children and women that have lived in polygamous home. You dont wanna go through that kind of stress. Hear their stories & i bet ya, you wouldnt wanna pass through half of the Sh!t that goes on there. If the Christian guy fits the kind of man you are looking for & "Religion" is your only problem. I'd say forget that and Marry him. I am a product of a union between 2 Religion. (Dad's Muslim Alhaji & chief Imam. Mum's Christian) My parents has been happily married for more than 45 years and stil counting and they practise different religions. They had the understanding before they got married. It was never a problem. Like i said, Love and Understanding is all that matters. Talk to your Fiancee and reach a compromise. *** I hear them say it alot that a woman has no Religion. Her husband Religion will be her Religion. **I will say different strokes for different folks.. Do whateva float your boat just make sure in the end. You choose to spend your life with somebody that will love and cherish u foreva. *** Those saying you should wait till you meet a Muslim cuz it worked that way for them doesnt mean it will work that way for you. What if you never meet a muslim till your Biological clock runs out? Dont lose a good man because of something as 'unimportant' as Religion. 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by makzeze: 3:45am On Jun 24, 2015 |
Jaydee009:if you are not a muslim, just forget u will never understand unless you convert to the religion of peace. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by tunapius(m): 4:16am On Jun 24, 2015 |
My lady, do not free ur religion cos of anybody in this life. Remember for every debit entry, thr must be a corresponding credit entry. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by Nobody: 5:01am On Jun 24, 2015 |
omostar: if she feels he doesnt love her enough,then she should wait 4 a single muslim guy & save evrybody d stress. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by onfu1968: 9:23am On Jun 24, 2015 |
Assalamu alaikum Sister, my kind advice for you is go and learn what Islam said about marriage. If this is done you don't need any advice from anybody on whether to marry a Muslim who is married with children or to marry a non Muslim with a condition that you MUST be Christian too. Subhanallah. May Allah clean our hear and follow sunnah of Annabi Muhammad (SAW) Amen. |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by TopHand: 9:32am On Jun 24, 2015 |
AlBaqir:I disagree with you brother please use istikhara whenever you are at crossroads once you have tasted the fruits of istikhara you will never look back, there is no need to quote Hadiths, istikhara is a special gift and tool that one should adopt into one's life I am not saying it is compusorly all I am saying it is a faboulos gift, use it whenever you have two minds about an issue, as for the lady in question I personally with rather die than give up Islam, I will rather live the life of a begger, be aflicted with the worst diesease and suffer all my remaining of my life and die a terrible death than give up my Islam, we are all going to die its a matter of time the Hayatu of this earthly life is nothing but an illusion, sister one should not look at the lifestyles and dealings of others to direct and affect our personal happiness meanwhile alot of those that say one man one wife keep different girlfriends, so you ask yourself why are those women married to such people still in these mariages why have they not left? why? becoming a second wife to a kind loving man who you are obviously attracted to is not a bad thing, you have got only two choices 1. become the second wife or 2. go and find a single muslim man 1 Like |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by eliasnoni: 10:51am On Jun 24, 2015 |
There is nothin to be confused abt in dis situation of urs....how would u even think of leavin islam for a man, u want to be a kafirun(disbeliever) because of marriage dat u can even be sure of its prosperity except Allah intervenes.....Go and marry d muslim guy n forget d christain......marryin more than one wife is part of the commndment of God cos is in the quran, thr are even cases of polygamy in d bible (gen chapt 4 vs 19, gen chapt 28 vs 9, gen chapt 29 vs 15- 30 and chapt 30 vs 3- 10) dats genesis, thr is polygamy in exodus also.......thr are many verses in d bible dat let us know dat islam is d way to salvation......I am a comparative study member n I know all dis so pls be wise don't jeopardise ur eternity because of marriage dat u are not even sure of its outcome........A word is enough for the wise!!! |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by fajani(m): 1:34pm On Jun 24, 2015 |
larryburton:Then she should follow her heart... besides why will she be dating two guys at a time... it means she doesn't love any... she might end up loosing if care is nt taken |
| Re: Leave Islam Or Accept Polygamy... by FunnyPikincom(m): 1:59pm On Jun 24, 2015 |
Proffdada:Oh... You mean a saviour that couldnt save himself from cruxification and had to shout Heli Heli, Lama sabach tani abi??  GOD is the Only saviour.. No one can Save you Except GOD. Even Jesus needs GOD 1 Like |
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