Hi all,

I'm hoping you can help me. I'm a super super silent reader but I've been on nairaland for a long time. I'm hoping some of you have advice because this issue is heavy on my heart. Sleep has refused to come so I figured I would bring this matter here...

I'm Yoruba and my fiancé is Igbo. We currently live in different countries (he's in Nigeria and I'm in the UK). Although I grew up in Nigeria, I have spent most of my life in the UK.

We've been discussing wedding plans and we've hit a stumbling block.

My fiance and I would like to hold the white in the UK and traditional in Nigeria (with a couple of months in between) to give both sides of the family a chance to participate.

His parents want the white to hold in Nigeria due to their extended family pressures...they all live in the east so their interactions with yoruba people are practically non existent....

They have said that in Igbo culture, the groom's family is in charge during the white wedding and it should be done where the groom lives. Say what

They are insistent that it holds there because "what will our people say? It appears like your fiance and her family are influencing us" and words to that effect.

I have spoken to my parents and even though traditionally the man's family should come to us, they have no major problems with traveling back to Nigeria for trad (we have a house there). My parents therefore have the expectation the white will take place in the UK because that is what we, the couple, would like.

As much as I appreciate that marriage is not just a union between the couple, we/I do not want to hold my church wedding there. We're both trying to be respectful but at what point can we put our foot (abi feet) down and say "this is what we want pls respect our wishes".

PS Sadly, eloping is not an option

PPS No front page please

PPSS Abeg no tribal bashing from omo nna or omo *ngbatingbati*

dialogue is the best now.

Based on my limited knowledge about weddings and related matters, the groom family is normally responsible for organizing white weddings why the bride's takes charge of the traditional. For you and your parents to insist on having the white wedding in the UK would amount to unfairly usurping his family rights in both weddings and doesn't signify a positive message to them. You can't have control of both weddings while his parents are alive.

Since you and your family plans to visit Nigeria for the trad why not arrange both weddings a couple of days in-between and have it there. That will even safe cost and stress. What's the main reason for insisting of having it in Britain?. Should the wedding hold in the UK will his parents attend, have they entry visas?. Your family are in a better position to travel to Nigeria than his, tradition or no tradition.

Would you entertain the suggestion of his family organizing the trad wedding?. I could hear a resounding no. So what do you want?. Why the attempt to make it a tribal issue?. Would it have been different if he was from Southwest?.

Please you guys have to dialogue and if all fails, demand that your wishes be respected. The culture of having the grooms family in charge of the white wedding is not always the case. Some people have gone to church and come back to conduct both the trad and reception together. But there should be agreement. I'm Igbo and I'm into cross cultural marriage and I know how strong Igbo feel about their son's white wedding so I don't expect that you'll win the argument easily.

Keep your wedding dress, do another white wedding when you return to UK.

That's one option.

Ronald4lif"s comment is the best so far... Some ladies don't know tradition at all...

This is for your fiancé to handle. This is the point he needs to show his "manly" qualities needed to head the home.

None of us here can help you with it but him.

@Ronald4lif..

In Southwest, the bride's family handles both the traditional and church wedding.

^^on point.

Only Nigerians feel the need to have 2 (sometimes 3) weddings!

When will folks learn? I don't see other races having a wedding twice.. the whites certainly don't, white wedding na their own tradition. Asians have their traditional stuff ..

only Africans feel inferior enough to classify their traditional wedding as not being sufficient enough.
Make una continue wasting money you hear

Since you're having a wedding that involves two families with different cultural practices, you guys need to understand that both families need to meet each other halfway.

Re-read Ronald4lif's post again.
Let peace reign.

ronald4lif:
Would it have been different if he was from Southwest?.

Yes.

check bellong's post.

wait though, you mean after paying the brideprice the groom will again be responsible for the wedding?

what exactly does the bride do?

I am not familiar with these types of scenarios.

Na wa o, the in law insisting on white and traditional in nigeria.

Those ones no want make their son marry you be that. Very selfish and inconsiderate. But that your fiance, isn't he supposed to do as you please since its fair enough?

confuxsio:

...they all live in the east so their interactions with yoruba people are
practically non existent....

Now this is what I call...."FALLACY of Hasty Generalization"

I'm a full blooded Igbo man, living in the heart of the East...

but our closest family friends, are Yorubas...


Ronald4lif Has said it all....

EggovinMma:
Na wa o, the in law insisting on white and traditional in nigeria.

Those ones no want make their son marry you be that. Very selfish and inconsiderate. But that your fiance, isn't he supposed to do as you please since its fair enough?

Read well.

During traditional wedding, the grooms parents get to move to the southwest for the ceremony.
During white wedding the grooms parents also get to move to the UK for the ceremony.

Who exactly is making things difficult here if that's the case? Who is selfish and inconsiderate here?

In both weddings the grooms parents/family will feel like guests in their sons wedding... I no fit do my mama this one. Never!

I will be stupid if I put my family through that shit.

tpiander:


Yes.

check bellong's post.

wait though, you mean after paying the brideprice the groom will again be responsible for the wedding?

what exactly does the bride do?

I am not familiar with these types of scenarios.

We expect the bride to just look beautiful and we'll nurtured.

Is bride price used for wedding arrangement?

The groom takes care of the white wedding. It's their son ffs.

I suggest you do a court wedding because that is a neutral ground for all of you.

At least the last time I checked, in Nigeria families of couples who are wedding in Nigeria mostly got an equal say.

Traditional wedding, the man's family will come to your home. Who is making the travel preparation, the groom's family.

White wedding taking place in London, who is living there conveniently, your parent. Who is again making all the necessary travel, the grooms family.

Any one reading this will understand that that is not 50 50 thing. In fact it is 0: 100.
I guess you guys are richer but can't you make a little room for the grooms family to host you?

A wedding involves two families coming together. . Your family is being a bit selfish here, your traditional marriage will hold in your hometown, the man's family will have to go over.. Then your white wedding will hold where you reside, again they'll have to go over...
The two marriages are all about your family. ..

Seems you're the one sponsoring the wedding huuh?

Are there cogent reasons why the wedding must hold over there?

If you so desire a wedding in London, you can hold your traditional marriage there.. people do trad outside there hometown these days...

bellong:
This is for your fiancé to handle. This is the point he needs to show his "manly" qualities needed to head the home.
None of us here can help you with it but him.
@Ronald 4lif..
In Southwest, the bride's family handles both the traditional and church wedding.

Oh I see. Never knew such is possible. So the groom's family plays no role in a wedding involving Southwest couples?.

tpiander:

Yes.
check bellong's post.
wait though, you mean after paying the brideprice the groom will again be responsible for the wedding?
what exactly does the bride do?
I am not familiar with these types of scenarios.

I taya oo. Bride price, white wedding, trad wedding all for the man to bear. Men have really suffered.

In the south west, the brides family handles both traditional and white wedding, in fact the brides family are hosting the grooms relatives. The grooms family always go over for the wedding but since theres a cultural clash you will need to find a balance some where.


Since your parents are coming over to Nigeria for the traditional, which I believe should be in the southwest why not do the white wedding just the next day after the traditional instead of a few months apart so that your fiancée's family wont have to travel twice (The disadvantage is you wont get to wed in the UK) OR You do both traditional and white in the UK also days apart. (I know its not compulsory that yoruba traditional weddings hold in the brides hometown)

ronald4lif:


Since you and your family plans to visit Nigeria for the trad why not arrange both weddings a couple of days in-between and have it there. That will even safe cost and stress. What's the main reason for insisting of having it in Britain?. Should the wedding hold in the UK will his parents attend, have they entry visas?. Your family are in a better position to travel to Nigeria than his, tradition or no tradition.

Would you entertain the suggestion of his family organizing the trad wedding?. I could hear a resounding no. So what do you want?. Why the attempt to make it a tribal issue?. Would it have been different if he was from Southwest?.

Thank you for your response.

The proposal to have it all in one place will not be well received by either parents hence why the idea to split it came up in the first place.

His parents wouldn't want to organise the trad as it's not for them to organise and to be honest they are less interested in that.

As someone else said it's usually driven by the brides family in the south west so learning about the different practice in the east was a shocker. Even my fiance didn't know/realise that...

MarvellousGod:
A wedding involves two families coming together. . Your family is being a bit selfish here, your traditional marriage will hold in your hometown, the man's family will have to go over.. Then your white wedding will hold where you reside, again they'll have to go over...
The two marriages are all about your family. ..

Seems you're the one sponsoring the wedding huuh?

Are there cogent reasons why the wedding must hold over there?

If you so desire a wedding in London, you can hold your traditional marriage there.. people do trad outside there hometown these days...

At all @ sponsoring the wedding

I admit it's a little selfish on my part but my life is pretty much here..All my friends and family are here, it would be a lonely wedding out there If we took out extended family, it would be a non issue. My fiancé has friends/family in both countries and therefore less bothered about where it holds.

Trad in London is an issue because they've said it's not a "real" traditional. It has to take place in your fathers house etc...but a lot of London houses weren't built for Nigerian parties.

To those saying my fiancés family have to meet us twice...not entirely true as we would still need to travel down.

Ha!

Your family should compromise biko.

Since your family is already handling the trad, it's only fair the groom's family have a say in the white wedding.

If you have the wedding in the UK, that automatically makes it all about you and your family, how do you expect the groom's side to all make it to the UK? You can have the trad where you reside and let your wedding happen in naija, to make it balanced.

Tomfrench:


Now this is what I call...."FALLACY of Hasty Generalization"

I'm a full blooded Igbo man, living in the heart of the East...

but our closest family friends, are Yorubas...

Ronald4lif Has said it all....

I should have said AND in that case...


When I say their interaction with yoruba people is non existent, it really is what it is..even to say my fairly simple name turns into a tongue twister to the point where some have said " we'll just call you B".

The issue is partly compounded by the fact they are not entirely happy that I am not igbo.

freecocoa:
Ha!

Your family should compromise biko.

Since your family is already handling the trad, it's only fair the groom's family have a say in the white wedding.

If you have the wedding in the UK, that automatically makes it all about you and your family, how do you expect the groom's side to all make it to the UK? You can have the trad where you reside and let your wedding happen in naija, to make it balanced.

It's starting to look that way o but the same way the grooms side expect us to all make it to naija na!

confuxsio:


It's starting to look that way o but the same way the grooms side expect us to all make it to naija na!

That's why it will be better to have the trad in the UK where your people are, I know the yoruba people don't really care about where the trad happens, unlike the Igbo people.

confuxsio:


Thank you for your response.

The proposal to have it all in one place will not be well received by either parents hence why the idea to split it came up in the first place.

His parents wouldn't want to organise the trad as it's not for them to organise and to be honest they are less interested in that.

As someone else said it's usually driven by the brides family in the south west so learning about the different practice in the east was a shocker. Even my fiance didn't know/realise that...

You're welcome. I didn't know the practice was different in Southwest as I'm from the Eastern part of the country and my derivation was based on that premise.

There were few posers on my comment and there's one in particular which it'd be great if you can address: does his parents have entry visas or can they be able to secure one (bearing in mind UKBA tough immigration rules) if the wedding is slated in Britiain?.

Either way, I think either of you should try harder in convincing both parents on whichever location you settle for. On my part, I'd say you should convince your parents and make them see reasons why the wedding should be held in Nigeria. It's uncommon and unheard of for the bride's relations to call the shots in both weddings plannings in Igboland. Theirs is to organize the trad why the groom's the white wedding.

Thanks to all who responded. I've replied to some individual posts but let me round up here.

Just to clarify a few things

His nuclear family do not have a major issue with the arrangement per se. The pressure is coming from extended family members who don't agree, part of it is that they are not entirely happy about the intertribal union. This would be their first experience.

His parents believe having the church wedding there would at least placate the extended family.

We didn't expect it to be an issue at all. I didn't make the decision in a silo...myself and my fiancé discussed it and came up with that arrangement.

Part of the problem is it took a while before he discussed our marriage with his parents (due to the tribal thing and other family issues). Mine were already informed and on board for a long time beforehand and we're pretty much just waiting for his family to be informed...

At this point, trying to get both parents to now understand this is how it's done on the other side has been difficult because they're so used to it being done a certain way.

A court wedding and eloping is starting to tempt me...

ronald4lif:


There were few posers on my comment and there's one in particular which it'd be great if you can address: does his parents have entry visas or can they be able to secure one (bearing in mind UKBA tough immigration rules) if the wedding is slated in Britiain?.
.

His mum has a long term visa and comes over often as a couple of their kids (plus grandkids) and some family members are here. Dad not that I'm aware of but I doubt it.

The diplomatic skills one will have to employ here no get part 2

Intertribal marriage can be challenging or not depending on who you are marrying.

In the SW, the bride's family is responsible for both traditional and church /mosque ceremonies. Which is something I like cos you are meant to come take a bride from her family, wed her in her fathers church.

In the SE, the woman's family takes care of the traditional marriage rites (well not really, it takes place in her house but most times the funds come from the man) while the man is in charge of the church wedding which is held at his own church and also usually held at a much later date .
If your family were based in Nigeria I would have said the right thing to do is for the husbands family to come to you. But carrying the whole husbands extended family to the UK? Is he financially capable to transport and accommodate them?

Update.. I started typing this a while ago and got carried away so I didn't see your subsequent posts.

Weddings in Nigeria is unfortunately about everyone else but the couple. I didn't get my dream wedding (small intimate wedding of 30-50 close family members) because both parents blatantly refused but I got my dream honeymoon and life after the wedding... So i have no regrets.
Both of you should reach a compromise with both family sides for the one day event and live the rest of your lives the way you want.

confuxsio:


His mum has a long term visa and comes over often as a couple of their kids (plus grandkids) and some family members are here. Dad not that I'm aware of but I doubt it.

The diplomatic skills one will have to employ here no get part 2

Okay in that case his family will be able to grace the wedding if incase they agree on having it here. You shouldn't contemplate on eloping as it will only compound your woes. Trust me you don't wants your in-laws to be against your union. It's not worth the hassle.

This is a very tough situation facing you both and it's one of those challenges inter-tribal relationships and couples wrestle but I'm sure if others overwhelmed theirs you can too.

The both of you have to do all you can to ensure a truce between both families and if at the end of the day neither party want to submit to the other you two should amicably settle for trad and court wedding and inform both families that the white wedding has been postponed for a year or two. After which time the both families might have bonded well enough to be able to have a common ground on it.

I really fail to see the essence of white wedding... I don't see the Caucasians having traditional weddings. They marry according to their laws and customs, but us Africans, we carry other people's culture for head.