tpia:

If this was a 2 or 3 year marriage then one can say it cant work. But the OP has stayed with the man for 10 years, so its hard to overlook that fact.

I definitely agree with you but seeing her situation (broken home) I can see a person trying hard to stay in a bad situation jsut to prove to others than she's not like her parents, marriage wise

Not sure why people sacrifice their own happiness to appeal to others. the same people that would have yarn dust about being a divorcee, arent there now to save her from the beatings.

amebo no1.:

like i care again jjyou

a nigerian man dat used religion and she did not bother praying about it since "he said he saw in a trance dats shes his wife,when pple fall into d ditch wt their eyes opened,i dont waste time in telling them dat

if dis poster had left this born again thingy i wouldnt even have bothered posting like dis

the problem i have wt her is :she should stop blaming it on any pastor,dis girl claimed to be a born again,watever happened to her praying to God for answers

if she had not laid too much emphasies on d pastor issue and if she did not claim to be soo much into born againism then,i wouldnt have even bothered,but calling one pastor into d matter,when she herself did not bother going to find out by herself or praying is not a good excuse

let her leave any pastor or sister or aunty alone and accept thefact dat the mistake came from her alone

thanks for your post. i would clarify some things thou; well when he wrote the letter telling me about his trance, i did actually pray about it and i thot there was an amount of peace in me. i also made my decision based on the teachings i was them accustomed to i.e. God's ways are not our ways and the need to do the will of God etc. of course my flesh kept reminding me this was not the kind of person i would like to spend my life with and as such moments i ran to God back in prayers. I remember crying out to God at some point that he should let the relationship not work out if that was not His will for me. Each time i prayed, i experienced peace and thots the doubts were the things my flesh wanted that i had to train myself to get over. as to the sister that came in; i did not specifically go to her for quidance. there was in fact problem btw herself and her friend over this vision thing ( she warned her friend about a relationship she was involved in then becos her prophet had told her, her friend was involved with a wrong person). her friend took her warning to mean she was jealous of her and i waded into the quarrel to settle for them becos we were all flatmates. i believed her explanation over that of her friend becos the friend had secreatly confinded in me she appeared to be the one running after the brother in question as he scarcely returned any of her letters nor visits. becos i knew this already, it made the prophesy from her friend confirm what she herself had secreatly told me, hence the reason why i asked her friend to pray over my own situation for me also.
right, it was definitely my mistake, but i was 21 and had never dated. i kept myself til i gave my life to Christ and no man had successfully woed me with anything. my wanting not to make mistakes made me believe this will of God's thing. i actually thot God wanted to text my will against his.
as to the pastor, i never went to him directly, but i got to know what i know in the course of asking my hubby questions. moreover, i was and am not into visiting going to pastors to pray for me or see visions for me. the one that came with the 'sister' was just a coincidence. i just generally believed pple should be honest enough to mean what they say and fear God in all their dealings.

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variant of the same shit happened with some white garment peeps in my close.

the prophet of the church told their daughter/family so and so was the man for her. so she started dating so and so. they expected them 2 get married - only to hear that so and so was engaged to some other chick who he has now married. meanwhile, the gal has taken in and delivered a boy . . .

back in school an alfa was pulling the vision shit with three diff chicks - and they somehow found out. . .was so funny. . .

keep in mind that people who have visions usually belong in mental institutions

superjet, you are just like the millions of nigerian christians who believe that being smart is of the devil. Christ said this - Matthew 10:16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
Many of us simply read the "harmless as doves" part and run away . . .

For long "christians" have used the examples of arranged marriages like that of Isaac to hoodwink us into thinking we shouldnt question "God's will" when it comes to marriage. But we of course ignore these important parts - Genesis 24:67And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

God's will is not that you should be unhappy in marriage, it is NOT His will that you should feel forced to marry a man you are not attracted to. God did not take away our brain, emotions and feelings the moment we became born again . . . rather he fine-tuned them to His own frequency. If you dont feel attracted to a dude IT IS NOT GOD'S WILL!!! I had an uncle try to talk me into one of such "God's will" stories using Isaac as an example, even my parents and her parents and the chic bought the idea . . . i bluntly told everyone to go home . . . my bible did not teach me that God's will would be a source of sorrow.

Beware also, it is not enough to hear a man "preach" the Word . . . if his life does not mirror what he preaches then flee as fast as you can.

Sorry you will simply have to bear this cross on your own. Your story shld be an example to other women out there . . . God is a practical God who cares about our emotions too and not simply about us obeying His commandments only.

tpia:

No amount of pastor or sister's vision should make someone marry a person she's not attracted to, in an ideal world. Granted however, we dont live in a perfect world but a lot of times we do tend to cry over spilt milk.

thank you,i have no prob wt pple dat fall for dis vision stuff, who no get pastor,pastor vision,did they tie a rope on her neck and force her to marry him,d first yr she started noticing things did they still tell her to stay diaaa,where they dey d ones dat made her give birth to two kids fir an irrespnsible man?  no way sm pple make silly mistakes and then blame it on one pastor

superjet:

.
right, it was definitely my mistake, but i was 21 and had never dated. i kept myself til i gave my life to Christ and no man had successfully woed me with anything. my wanting not to make mistakes made me believe this will of God's thing. i actually thot God wanted to text my will against his.
as to the pastor, i never went to him directly, but i got to know what i know in the course of asking my hubby questions. moreover, i was and am not into visiting going to pastors to pray for me or see visions for me. the one that came with the 'sister' was just a coincidence. i just generally believed pple should be honest enough to mean what they say and fear God in all their dealings.

at dat age u have smthing going upstairs,noooo im not trying to insult u here,but been 21 then should have made u wise a little,especially in dis world dat we live in,i got married b4 21,i met my husband when i was 18,i got married cos i knew it was meant to be right from d first day i saw him,i had a lot of pple claiming born again then dat wanted to marry me,my husband was not even so close to God like d others,why didnt i marry those ones dat saw visions dat i am their wife,why didnt i say ok,because dis guy is a born again xtian im sure our marriage will be built on a solid rock,but i didnt cos one,there was no attraction,2,no peace of mind whenever im wt them,3,i did not like them,infact i fancied none of them, the only man i fancied was d one dat wasn't even close to God like the others,and dats d person i married and still married to,but today with the way my husband is going with the things of God i fear i might resign from d hospital and become a pastors wife

i was 19 when i got married,so lets leave dat i was 21 then

@Amebo no1,,,U be real original amebo,,,,,abeg take am easy with this lady,,,You re verey correct in being upset with the poster.But my question is why do we always have issues like this repeating itself in relationship.Why would a lady get married to a man solely becos the man attends his church or fellowship,,,to me that is simply occultic,,
Truly its a sad story becos her father had warned,in some cases you would see these fraudulent marriages breaking homes all in the name of being born again,,,how can you see an obvious danger and you would not make a detour?Amebo just take it easy with her and encourage her.This is why you must do everything possible to get your parents and family support when it comes to marriage.The funny thing here is that this lady is now doubting the very faith with which she based her decision for getting married.
Like someone mentioned above, as christians, the concept of the traits of a serpent and dove must at all times be observed in all sphere of ur life.The church these days has become the melting pot for fraudulent and deceptive marriage.To the point you re taught what kind of sex you have to engage urself in but in marriage proper if both parties fails to explore one anothers sexual depth,,one of the party might end up satisfying his or her sexual urge elsewhere.Just too much pretense!This lady knows what is good for her,her head told her but she chose to listen to the voice of her pastor and vision.This is a clear conclussion that every man of God or whatever you call them in their best forms are still MEN(Human) forget all those lies they call visions to confuse,confound and captivate you in bondage.

Your story is well detailed, and a sad one? Yes. Why, because it is the dream of every young lady (guy inclusive) to have a successful marriage. Normally, I should have read others response before making my contribution to avoid repetition, but I decided against that so that I can give my advice without any assumption.

Let's take a look at the foundation of your relationship with your husband.

First, he was dating your friend when you met him and not long after he started dating you.

Secondly, he said it was revealed to him through a trance that you were his wife. A qualified Marriage Counsellor will disprove of that. Even in cases where God reveals one's spouse through whatever means, it is the responsibility of the person with the vision to pray that God should equally reveal same to the other person and, even at that, the guy should have proposed to you without bringing in God into it. But saying you were and still a Christian, it is surprising that you were not able to do the right thing but, rather depending on someone else to tell you that a certain guy you were not sure of is your husband.

Thirdly, you said something about not getting attracted to him physically, while some might argue this but again, a counsellour will tell you that you need to be physically attracted to your intended husband, even though that is not the first thing to look out for when choosing a life partner but, it is definitely a necessity.

Fourthly, your father never approved of your marriage to your husband. Taking a look at the four flaws mentioned above for lack of space, it was very clear that you made a wrong choice of a husband.

Well, we all make mistakes and, that mistake has already been made. The next question is: What is the next step for you to take.

As Christians, we know that divorce is not an option here: You must do everything necessary to safe your marriage since you are already married to him. PRAY, SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR, AND TRY YOUR BEST TO WIN HIM OVER BY YOUR ACTION. But if everything else fail, then: SEPARATION IS THE ANSWER. You need to move on with your live and more importantly, you need to stay alive to train those kids.

It is definitely not going to be easy, but this is where you need God more than ever before. PEACE!


Note: Separation is not divorce, you are still married to your husband but, both of you will live separately.

first off dis dude was dating her friend b4 leaving her friend for her

second off,superjet has ur husband cheated on u before?

if he has,then the bible allows divorce in such cases

but if u wanna carry on,try and make it work

He left his former gf because she had only school cert . . . that shld have been a clue as to those his "god" reveals to him as wife. Apparently only the successful chics.

@tnk24 : Sometimes the way and manner we admonished people as christians scares me.You saying you don't want her to divorce,but you re suggesting separation.Don't you know the last that precede divorce is separation?What if in the process the man ended  up sleeping with other girls or the lady in question had to start sleeping with other guys?As for me, I can't  tell you not to divorce or stay put in that relationship,,use ur head my sister!!!

amebo no1.:

first off dis dude was dating her friend b4 leaving her friend for her

second off,superjet has ur husband cheated on u before?

if he has,then the bible allows divorce in such cases

but if u wanna carry on,try and make it work

i always tot u waz married to an alhaji.  now u are going to be rev. mrs jenny ( busybody amebo ) somebody. nawao.  plss chill my dear sister. we all don't get as matured as you at 18.  i married in my 40'S it doesn't make me less a Christian than you.  stop blaming  her. i still believe she is has hope. God does not reject His people because they made mistakes or had error of judgement.  

we are human beings. yes we all have will but the strongest of us can give in anytime. ask Abraham, peter, moses, Jacob, David and even Solomon.  the bible warn everyone of us thinking we are standing to take heed lest we fall.  we all need the grace of God daily my dear  sister.  the strongest marriages go through trials. that is why we are people of faith. we pray and ask God's spirit to guide and empower us.  

there is nothing like 100% perfect marriage.

those of you not married this is one more reason why you should continually be on your knees before your maker.  i have said it before marriage can make or mar you in life. it is always the Fathers good pleasure to give us good things and sadly the devil has interest in pushing you into wrong relationships too.

superjet, after my reply to your post, I then went back to read other people's response, from the very first to the very last (pending new replies) and believe me, they all spoke (wrote) very well. Somewhere along the line, you wrote about your husband being your first date, about having kept yourself, and if 'THIS' is the reward you will get for your effort - Like we all have said, forget about blaming yourself, forget about the regrets. You need to get healed and for that healing to take place, YOU MUST FIRST FORGIVE YOURSELF and like shushu said - you need to get yourself occupied, you know recreation, sports, dance and anything that will make you happy. Cheers!

tnk24:

superjet, after my reply to your post, I then went back to read other people's response, from the very first to the very last (pending new replies) and believe me, they all spoke (wrote) very well. Somewhere along the line, you wrote about your husband being your first date, about having kept yourself, and if 'THIS' is the reward you will get for your effort - Like we all have said, forget about blaming yourself, forget about the regrets. You need to get healed and for that healing to take place, YOU MUST FIRST FORGIVE YOURSELF and like shushu said - you need to get yourself occupied, you know recreation, sports, dance and anything that will make you happy. Cheers!

thanks some people dont know how fragile faith is.

REAL TRUTH:

@tnk24 : Sometimes the way and manner we admonished people as christians scares me.You saying you don't want her to divorce,but you re suggesting separation.Don't you know the last that precede divorce is separation?What if in the process the man ended  up sleeping with other girls or the lady in question had to start sleeping with other guys?As for me, I can't  tell you not to divorce or stay put in that relationship,,use ur head my sister!!!

Real Truth, to avoid repeating myself, go back and read what I wrote. I encouraged her to make her marriage work, but rather than being beaten by the man and who knows loosing her life in the process, separation was advised as the last resort. During separation, what if the man becomes remorseful and decides to change and maybe give his marriage a second chance. Mind you, separation is not a divorce.

tnk24:

Real Truth, to avoid repeating myself, go back and read what I wrote. I encouraged her to make her marriage work, but rather than being beaten by the man and who knows loosing her life in the process, separation was advised as the last resort. During separation, what if the man becomes remorseful and decides to change and maybe give his marriage a second chance. Separation is not a divorce.

That is exactly what am saying,,,if the man becomes remorseful and subsequently he is dating or sleeping with another lady,,,how do you reconcile that?I know of a similar separated case which result in the woman having a boy friend within one month and got pregnant for the boyfriend b4 the husband came for the lady with the pregnancy.Funny enough the man never knew his wife was pregnant for someone else until a fight broke out btw the man and the wife about 18 years later.If you read through this poster story very well,,she does not love this man anymore,,she feels this guy manipulated and took advantage over her.
My advice again is that she knows what is best for her,,,let her follow her Head this time around,,,she is the one in the marriage,,so she should decide using the head she failed to use 10 years ago.

amebo no1.:

has he cheated on you?

if he has,then the bible allows divorce in such cases

but if u wanna carry on,try and make it work

So the bible allows divorce for cheating but not for domestic abuse.

Na wa for "born-againism". I rebuke it.

DeReloaded:

So the bible allows divorce for cheating but not for domestic abuse.

Na wa for "born-againism". I rebuke it.

the bible allows divorce when one partner cheats on d other,dat was d only one i saw in d bible,i never see domestic abuse,toh u fit write ur own bible add am join

why do u think im mad at d poster,for all dis yrs the guy dey abuse her,she did not ask for divorce,hoping and praying for ten years dat things will one day be fine

since she does not wanna divorce him on grounds of abuse then let her divorce him on grounds of "infidelity"

dat wan consaign her,if she does not wanna divorce him ,then let her patch her marriage up

I feel for her cos I know why she stayed. She stayed so people wont say she's like her mother. People think children of broken homes are the type to jump from marriage to marriage when that's not really true. They STAY in marriages even BAD ones so others wont say it's a "family thing". It's sad

that's one mistake pple make,trying to please others and displease yourself,u cannot please d world,ur happiness should come first,pple will always talk,is it not better if she had left the marriage then and allowed pple talk(im sure they would have finished talking by now small),dan bothering herself wt wat they will say and remaining in dat negative bondage called "her marriage" ?

.

Its saddening the things people do in the name of God.

@poster
You definitely need to seek the advice of your parents (particularly your dad) on the issue. Also look for someone on his side of the family who is responsible and has enough influence on your husband to bring some pressure to bear on him. With his abusive tendencies I would suggest you prepare for separation, so as not to put you or your kids in harms way.

Am learning o

amebo no1.:

first off dis dude was dating her friend b4 leaving her friend for her

second off,superjet has ur husband cheated on u before?

if he has,then the bible allows divorce in such cases

but if u wanna carry on,try and make it work

nej, the formal girlfriend was never my friend. I was almost in year 3 at the university, so how could i have drawn friends from the cycle of pple who were still trying to sit for waec (sorry, but am not trying to sound proud here)? we had absolutely nothing in common except we fellowshiped together. i had never been to her place even up til today and were simply fellowship sisters or better put acquictances.

and no also, he has never cheated on me. that appears to be his best side plus he neither smokes nor drink.

davidylan:

He left his former gf because she had only school cert . . . that shld have been a clue as to those his "god" reveals to him as wife. Apparently only the successful chics.

here; he actually said our pastor advised him against continueing with the relationship with the girl becos the margin of educational differences was too wide.

@poster i am realy sorry about all what u r going through now, i am bumdfounded, do we still av such men in our society?

I do not believe its the Xtian way you took that led to this, You as a christan have ur own powers, u dont av to depend fully on what your pastor, xtian sista or brother says,

I believe u did not fast and pray on ur own, its very necessary u pray on ur own for God to giv u divine direction, to me i dont think that man is your hussy, please re-trace ur step and let God help u

too late to think the nam is not her hussy.

superjet:

nej, the formal girlfriend was never my friend. I was almost in year 3 at the university, so how could i have drawn friends from the cycle of pple who were still trying to sit for waec (sorry, but am not trying to sound proud here)? we had absolutely nothing in common except we fellowshiped together. i had never been to her place even up til today and were simply fellowship sisters or better put acquictances.

and no also, he has never cheated on me. that appears to be his best side plus he neither smokes nor drink.

yeah she was never ur friend,but u lot talk in fellowship,u pple say hello and hi,u pple fellowshipped togeda,u pple were fellowship sisters right?but u never greeted each other ehn?since u r not friends wt her shes then ur enemy,isn't it?

my friend for someone dat claims to be a graduate u should know dat there is a diffrence btw friend,friends and close friends,in all u pple talk to eachother when u see urselves dont u?wat will u call dat one?enemy?

superjet:

here; he actually said our pastor advised him against  continueing with the relationship with the girl becos the margin of educational differences was too wide.

and u believed dis?even my 3 yr old niece wont believe dis,gawdddddd

i dont think its born againism dat put u in dis situation ,i think u r just naturally dumb,sorry but jeeezzz,how did dat sound in ur ears.

forget about ur academical intelligence,i keep saying dis,if educational intelligence is d only intelligence on earth,i pray not to have it,u might claim to be intelligent academically,but generally and in the outside world u r d opposite of intelligence

i know a lot of pple who come out wt good grades ,sm even come out wt first class,yes academically they r intelligent,but when it comes to other things outside school,they know nothing,they r so not intelligent,and when i meet pple like dis,i consider them not intelligent at all

.

of course i wised up and stopped believing his lies nor give him my money. tension naturally built up as a result and the aurguements became more as i told him; enough of those bible quotes and let me for the first time use my head as am a graduate for God sake. that was when it started. the first time he hit me was in 2007. he did it again in 2008 and living in europe, the neigbours heard the shouts and called the police ( we eventually pretended to them it was a mere auguement and they left). but it is 2009 now and he seems to be growing wider.

my dear this is a sad case. i have learnt alot from this tale. it would seem u guys are abroad although i might be wrong. i wish i could tell you not to leave this man,(cos i belong to d school of thought that marriage should be together AS LONG AS HE IS NOT CHEATING AND SLEEPING WIT YOU TO PASS ONE TERRIBLE DISEASE ON YOU OR BEATING YOU) but then violence is now involved and i fear for your safety and that of your children. its a good thing that the religion he claims he is practicing is not making him cheat and drink yet. the once in a year beating is growing worse.my dear can you afford to stay away from this man for sometime.i mean separation. hopefully he might realize and come to his senses during that period and choose to change for the better. on your part, you could keep praying for him and asking God to work on him.cry to God to touch his heart, forgive him and lets see how things go. if he were the breadwinner that would be another thing but now ure d one shouldering most of the economic burden. you wont miss his contribution as it stands. i might be wrong oh but if it were me i wont put up with someone in an abusive relationship. Or alternatively you could just ignore him, you claim u started standing up to him and that was when the hitting started. you could just ignore him and let him wallow in his make believe world to avoid the arguments and hitting while trusting God for a change. The call is yours woman. At the end of the day its ur peace of mind and happiness that counts i beg nor let person kill you sha. Aint worth it oh cos we only got one life to live.

by way of an aside i knew of a family, neighbors whose kids were my friends and still remain till date. when they were young their dad claimed he got the call of God on him to become a missionary.quit his job in journalism moved from northern Nigeria to the south with his family and then the suffering started. he would do NOTHING NOTHING. the wife was the breadwinner training 4children with civil servants salary(mind you not a top civil servant). they suffered. still this man would not do a thing. Attending church reading his bible, and christian literature and arguing about men of God on tv. the one who is fake and real. he lived on the goodwill of any church he found himself in, cos he moved from one church to another since he claimed he was a missionary and was not attached to a particular church. he was not a cheat,violent towards his wife or children,drunk neither did he smoke but was completely useless. he lost the respect of this family up to their last born. his children hawked stuffs on their head to make ends meet to help their mum. in short people really have to be careful all these God told me this and that. Especially pastor has confirmed you are my wife story. people have to be really careful.

amebo no1.:

yeah she was never ur friend,but u lot talk in fellowship,u pple say hello and hi,u pple fellowshipped togeda,u pple were fellowship sisters right?but u never greeted each other ehn?since u r not friends wt her shes then ur enemy,isn't it?

my friend for someone dat claims to be a graduate u should know dat there is a diffrence btw friend,friends and close friends,in all u pple talk to eachother when u see urselves dont u?wat will u call dat one?enemy?.

well, i know whom my friends are. she was not my friend and i saw her the first time a month earlier than i met my then hubby thru her. i used acquitances becos that suited her relationship with me more. everyone cannot be one's friend, hence the reason why the dictionary allows for the word - acquitance

amebo no1.:
and u believed dis?even my 3 yr old niece wont believe dis,gawdddddd.

i believed becos we were in the same fellowship and the pastor plus everyone else did not frown at our relationship, but even encouraged it. i guess if the opposite had happened i.e. if there was no encouragement from the pastor/fellowship, the cat would have been let out of the bag and the scales would have fallen out of my eyes earlier than it did.

amebo no1.:
i dont think its born againism dat put u in dis situation ,i think u r just naturally dumb,sorry but jeeezzz,how did dat sound in ur ears.

forget about ur academical intelligence,i keep saying dis,if educational intelligence is d only intelligence on earth,i pray not to have it,u might claim to be intelligent academically,but generally and in the outside world u r d opposite of intelligence

i know a lot of pple who come out wt good grades ,sm even come out wt first class,yes academically they r intelligent,but when it comes to other things outside school,they know nothing,they r so not intelligent,and when i meet pple like dis,i consider them not intelligent at all

you are in a way right. looking at myself back then, i can see i was indeed dumb! but then it was not my entire fault as the teachings then were centred on doing Gods's will (more of God and less of YOU. agape love was preached rather than erotic/romantic love). well, i guess i was just naive and very unexperienced. i brought this guy to my mum too for scrutiny(sp), and she accepted him saying he appeared to be a good xtian, hence my believing for my mother to have accepted him meant a kind of confirmation to his trance story. so does it mean my mother too was not experienced enough or was i naive too to have leaned on my mother for guidance?