Open Relationships Aren’t For Everybody. But For The Few Who Swear By It, Here Are Some Important Questions They Pondered On Before Giving It A Shot. By Lianne Choo

A couple of years ago, my best friend came to me
with a dilemma. She said that her boyfriend of two
years sat her down and asked for a breakup. After
hours of sobbing and arguing, they somehow came
to the agreement that an open relationship was a
better route to take.
“An open what?” I asked. For those of you who aren’t
familiar with this concept, an open relationship
means that both parties are okay with their significa
nt other having sexual relations with other people.
Naturally, I was rather taken aback. I had never been
in that situation before and it was the first time
anyone close to me had either. Of course, I was
familiar with the whole idea of an open relationship
and had nothing against it. It was just put into a
harsh perspective when someone so close to me
voted to be in one.
To be honest, I tried to talk her out of it on multiple
occasions. She stuck to her guns and two years on is
as happy as a clam. According to her, being in an
open relationship gives her and her partner the
chance to explore sexual possibilities outside of what
they had. The freedom to come and go as they
pleased, the ability to flirt without the guilt, the thrill
of sexual exploration with others and best of all,
someone to go home to every night.
Although it took me a little while to wrap my mind
around it, I saw just how happy she was and decided
that maybe the whole idea of being in an open
relationship is not such a bad thing after all. I was
just a conventional prude who needed to open my
mind a little more. So I embarked on a mission and
spoke to several other couples in the same boat.
Important questions to ask before getting into an
open relationship
Based on their experiences, everyone eagerly shared
tips and tricks with me. From what they shared, here
are the top 11 things to ponder before getting into an
open relationship.
#1 Why are we doing this? Before even talking
about being in an open relationship, find out why this
is even coming up. Is it because you are bored? Is it
because you want to spice things up? Is it because
you have been with your spouse for longer than you
can remember and want to try something new? No
matter your reasons for it, think long and hard
before even deciding to talk about it
#2 Should we start with a trial period? One of the
first things you need to ask before getting into an
open relationship is whether you can start off with a
trial period. Just like taking a car out for a test drive
before putting money down for it, you need to try it
out before completely agreeing to it. The last thing
you want is to be stuck in an unhappy situation. Give
it a go for a couple of months before sitting down
with your partner and discussing whether you want
to continue with the open relationship for the long
haul.
#3 How much should we share? Before you settle
into being in an open relationship, discuss with your
partner how much you should share with one
another. Should you tell each other every time you
head out with other people? Do you need to share
the sordid details of whether any sexual relations
took place that evening? Figure out what your
threshold is for graphic details before committing to
an open relationship.
#4 Do we need labels? Ask your partner if they’re
comfortable with labeling your relationship as an
open one. Forget about publicizing things on Faceboo
k and other forms of social media as that is the least
of your concerns. Instead, figure out the labels for
when family members and friends ask about your
relationship status. Come to an agreement on
whether you even want to share with others the fact
that you are in an open relationship.
#5 Will you practice safe sex? This is perhaps one
of the most important questions to ask your partner.
Find out if he or she will be practicing safe sex and
insist upon it. The last thing you want to worry about
is an STD or unwanted pregnancy. So lay down the
law when it comes to safe sex. Remember to abide by
the rules as well and do not let lust get the better of
you.
#6 Are partners from the same zip code OK? Some
people think that it is a silly question to ask but in
reality, it’s very important. Find out if third parties
from the same zip code are acceptable or if it’s only
something that both of you indulge in when you are
out of town.
You have to understand that as populated as the city
you are living in is, people talk and the world is in fact
a lot smaller than you realize. If you don’t want
people gossiping about your open relationship or if
you don’t want friends and family in the vicinity to
find out about it, then be smart and only meet
partners outside of your comfort zone.
#7 What are the boundaries? Being in a non
monogamous relationship is not easy. There are
many things to figure out, issues to discuss, emotion
s to rein in and so on. Discuss what the boundaries
are before both of you hook up with other people.
Although it doesn’t make the situation easier, it will
certainly keep it less complicated when you know
where the line is. Ask questions like whether it is only
sleeping with other people that is permitted or
whether you are allowed to date them. Do you get a
say in who your partner sees? Set boundaries
together and respect them.
#8 What are the rules? Similar to setting boundari
es, both of you need to be very clear on the rules. All
open relationships are different, so there is no one
rulebook to follow. Just do what seems right for you
and remember that the most important thing here is
that you both feel comfortable. Review what the rules
are.
Is sex on the first date allowed? Is sex allowed at all?
Can we sleep with mutual friends? Do we bring
partners home? Can I break pre-made plans to meet
a date? Discuss everything and anything that comes
to mind and agree on all of it before embarking on an
open relationship.
#9 What if I develop feelings? The problem with
dating and sleeping with other people aside from
your spouse is the danger of falling for someone
else. You need to talk about what to do next should
you develop feelings. Do you end things with this
person? Do you keep at it? As premature as it may
seem, you need to figure out what the next step is
before you even start your open relationship. [Read:
#10 How long should this last for? Is this somethi
ng that we are going to do forever? Do we stop when
we decide to have kids? Figure out a tentative
timeline and go with the flow. Many couples are
perfectly happy with keeping their open relationship
alive forever, but there are others who only want to
experiment with it for a short time.
If you can’t decide how long to carry on at the
beginning, then set a date several months after
starting the open relationship before discussing it
again. By then, you would both be set in your roles
and know whether it is something you want to keep
doing long term.
#11 What do I want? This is the most important
question of all. Ask yourself if being in an open
relationship is something that you even want to do.
Do not get into it to please your partner. Do not get
into it because you are afraid of being alone if you
say no. Do not get into it because you are apathetic.
You need to be 100% on board with this before
agreeing to it. Anything less will be a massive step
down for your dignity and self worth. Respect
yourself first and you will know in your gut if it is
something that you want to do.
Depending on how you look at it, an open
relationship could be the best thing that ever
happened to you. No matter what, just be sure
that you are comfortable with it and never let
your partner push you into doing something that
you do not want to do.
We’re trying hard to create better relationships in the
world. But we can’t do it without YOU!
Did this feature help you better yourself or your
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