Joseph’s Christmas Tale. By Ena Ofugara.. I here take liberties to bring you a funny tale of Christmas that is unusual.


an ENAtaining story of nativity from this Urhobo man.)

(Joseph walks up the stage and addresses the audience) I dey provoke. I dey vex. I am angry. Can you imagine how people are trying to delete me from Jesus' story? A child I cleaned his poop with my hand. Me, Joseph, the original stepfather. . Na me give Jesus the papa name he dey answer. But everything na “Mary Mary Mary Mary”. I no understand. Na so to be papa bad reach? They never give us props for what we do. Okay, let me tell you how it happened. Forget all you read from King James. He no dey there. Make I tell una how e happen.


(Joseph exits stage and Mary walks in. She starts spitting in a bucket and even vomiting. Joseph comes from behind her)


Joseph: Mary, this one you dey spit full bucket, I tell you say I no get water for this Nazareth? Why you just dey spit spit spit. You be boar?

Mary: I am not well

Joseph: I done see am reach so. Meanwhile, I get sisters wey done get belle and the way you dey do so, I dey suspect youuuuuuu. I dey suspect you. You sure say you no get belle

Mary: Joseph my love…

Joseph: Hey Maryyyy, you done kill me. Na who give you this belle? I dey suspect Obakpororo. Because he get camel abi? Because he sabi read and write.

Mary: You know I can never do a thing like that.

Joseph: Na so I think before. Ehhhh Maryyyy.. Maryyyyyy. Eh

Mary: (makes to touch Joseph) Oh baby

Joseph: (Moves away from her) Na me you dey call “baby” abi na that pikin for your belle? Oya enter room. You wey I dey pet like last meat for pot. You wey I dey “kene” wey I no gree touch. One man done from my back discombatuvugulate every every. I done die. Your papa go count my bride price give me. All the yam, starch, bag of salt, stout, every every. Your papa must count all give me correct. Nonsense!!! Oya enter room

Mary: Come to bed please

Joseph: I keep my slap for Damascus. No let me go take am come put am for your jaw.

(Mary walks away from the stage. Joseph starts soliloquizing and singing an Okpan Aribo classic )
Foolish e man e plant e mango for main road oh. Before he come oh, another man oh pluck am oh ojo ota me re”.

NO! It is my ota. It is my talk. Why I no slap am sef? I suppose give am like 3 and a half slap.
Hmmmm I for drive am go outside. But…. If them rape am come kill am, Bethlehem people go say I use her do money ritual. And if I disgrace am now, e go be like me I be “okibe”, say my ..my… you know..my osho, my manhood no dey work naim make she go outside. Okay. I go.. I go jeje return am tomorrow to her papa. No be everything neighbor suppose hear. Make I sleep.

(he lies down and an angel appears. He has wings and the angel wakes him up. Joseph wakes up and grabs a bottle and takes a defensive stance)


Joseph: Omila, area, where una, armed robber. Thief. Jankoliko. Omila done show my crib

Angel Gabriel: I am not Omi… whatever. I am an angel of God. I am Angel Gabriel. Joseph son of David, do not be afraid …

Joseph: Angel wetin? Black man dey be angel? God no see oyibo, white man send come?

Angel Gabriel: Listen. Your wife Mary….

Joseph: Wetin do my wife? Okay… the baby…

Angel Gabriel: is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.

Joseph: You sayyyyyy??

Angel Gabriel: She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.

Joseph: I done die!!!! Them really talk say if ojuju quiet, na oil them take dey serve am. I never provoke say my wife get belle finish, you dey come tell me the name to give the pikin abi? Can you see nonsense.

Angel Gabriel: Joseph, son of David

Joseph: Wetin bring my grand grand grand papa name enter the matter now

Angel Gabriel: Joseph son of David….

Joseph: Make I pluck one of this your feather go take clean my ear. E dey scratch me.

(as he touches the feather, he is electrocuted and falls to the ground)

Shuo! Electricity. You be angel true true. Shuoooo. So Mary nor fall my hand Okay okay. I go take care of her and the pikin. I go call am Jesus. You win. You win. Abeg make I sleep abeg. Lock the door when you dey comot.

(Joseph lays down. Curtain)

Curtain opens to a manger. Mary has given birth to Jesus. Goats and leaves are everywhere to depict a true manger)

Joseph: Mary, I tell you say make we book down for Doctor Cummings hospital since. You dey do stubborn head. Now na for where goat and horse dey born you go born a whole Messiah.

Mary: Oh Joseph! It is the will of God

Joseph: Na will of God to born a whole King for where them dey born goat?

Mary: It is the will of God.

(Three men entered)

Joseph: And who are you people?

Magi One: We are the magis. They know us as three Kings. We have come to honour the Messiah.

Joseph. Shoooooo Oghene!!! How una take know where we dey?

Magi 2: We followed the star down here

Joseph: Star done turn to GPS? Na wah!

Magi 3: May we present our gifts?

Magi 1. (Kneels.) Gold I bring, for thou art King.

Magi 2. Frankincense I bring. It is a holy incense for thou art Holy and spiritual

Magi 3. Myrrh I bring for thou art a healer.

(So saying, they stand and leave)

Joseph: No be small thing. People turn star to GPS. Na wah. This my pikin. Na wah


(Enter three women. One is an older lady who is limping. The other two are younger women. They are Joseph's mother and sister, Mary’s Mother in-law nd sisters in law.

Mama Joseph: Joseph, see the type of place you go let your wife born pikin. Na this kind place I for born you?

Sister 1: Mama, I tell you say you spoil Joseph because na boy. See na. This kind fine grl wey he marry, see the type of suffer he put her

Mary: It is my fault. Do not blame Joseph please.

Mama Joseph: Naim make I dey love this my in-law so. See as she defend her husband. (turns to the two sisters) Make una learn from her oh. I done come do Omugwo. I done come look the pikin. MakeI see am.

(she looks at the baby and starts bending her head and walking round.)

Onome, Ediri, make una look this pikin well. Na wetin dey my mind dey una mind?

(Onome and Ediri bend and look at the baby.)

Sister 1: (Onome) Mama. Hmmmm Mama. Hmmmmm Mamaaaaa

Mama Joseph: Mary Mary.. Na how many times I call you?

Mary: Three times ma

Mama Joseph. Na who get this pikin? I say na who get this pikin? Me I know Joseph papa and grand papa. I know all him grandmamma. Look the pikin nose. Everybody for our family nose na BOYAY nose. E big. See as this pikin nose opiororo like better oyibo nose. Mary, how you waka?

Joseph: Make una leave my wife. Shuo! I send una come use eye do DNA for my pikin? Make una leave we

Mama Joseph: (walks to Jesus and pulls him nearer the audience and whispers) Joseph. Your something something no dey work? Na another man pikin be this oh! That pikin fine like angel. You no fine oh! Na me born you and I dey tell you say you no fine. You no fit born that kine fine pikin.

Joseph: You dey correct. That pikin pass angel sef. Na God pikin be that.

Mama Joseph: Everybody na God pikin. But nobody go carry another man pikin give my son make he train. I no gree.

Joseph: No mama. This child is the direct son of God, Yahweh. This is his son. He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is the savior of the world. He is the Messiah. It is he Isaiah spoke of in Isaiah 9 verse 6, “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Mama Joseph: Na the Akpako Mary nack for you be that eh. That is how she has deceived you. I born mumu ohhhh I born mumu

Joseph: Mama, I go train the pikin. Leave am for we.

Mama Joseph: I know say Mary too fine for you. E done tay I dey talk am. She done use fine turn you to better EMU U EMU U… MUMU

Joseph: Eh, make I be mumu. Na my life

Mama Joseph: Which your life? This leg wey dey pain me so, na farm I for wound wey I dey pursue snake wey want to bite you. Na so I jump with wood follow the snake. Till now the leg never go. Na me you dey tell say na your life

Joseph: Mama, abeg, let me and Mary live our life. Na beg I dey. By and by you go understand. (at that moment Jesus starts crying. Mama Joseph limps to the child and carries Jesus. As she carries him and starts dancing, she starts walking fast around. There is no sign of her leg paining her.)

Sister 2: Mama, see how fast you are walking. Please do not injure the leg further

Mama Joseph: Which leg?

Sister 1: Your right leg. You know you have been in pain

Mama Joseph: Which pain? This my leg? (she starts jogging with the baby.)

Joseph: (takes baby from her) Abeg no go fall with my pikin

Mama Joseph: See! See! See! Shooo. The leg no dey pain me oh! The leg no dey pain me. Even my belle. Ha! (She starts turning and jumping and even does push ups.)!!! Come see oh. My pikin done born TB Joshua. Come and see!!!

Joseph: Do you feel better? Do you know Mary never felt sick even once? It is why we did not book a hospital down. I have never felt healthier in all my life.

Sister 1: Abeg make me carry am oh

Sister 2: Me sef. Abeg abeg. Me sef need miracle.

(Angel Gabriel appears)

Angel Gabriel: Joseph, your lives are in danger, this very night, you must run for Herod wants to take the life of the baby.

Mama Joseph: Where this man pass enter this house? Una go gimme heart attack oh! Leg wey dey pain me for 25 years, e done heal, now man wey be like fowl enter the house dey say make you run. This thing be like film for my eye oh.

Joseph: Okay angel, okay. Mary, oya lets go. Make we dey go oh

Mama mary: Where u go go

Joseph: I get some of my guys wey enter Egypt. Make I go find them see.

There is a knock on the door. Very heavy knocking..

Mama: Joseph Oya make una dey go. I go wedge them.

Mary: let us all go.

Mama Joseph: No be we dem dey find. Hurry go. This pikin get many people to heal. As he fit heal me so, no be small wonders he go do. He will heal the sick, make the blind to see…in fact he will raise the dead. Go Go

Mary: I am afraid for you

Joseph: Make we dey go. No be today my mama dey clear road for me make I escape yawa. Wen Warri youth find me come, she wedge all of them, Roman soldiers no reach Warri youths. Make we dey go

(Mary and Joseph and Jesus escape. Loads of soldiers enter.)

Soldier 1: We are looking for a child

Mama Joseph: Go give your wife belle. Who dey look for child na him wife he dey go meet.

Soldier 2: We are not here for games. We heard a baby was crying here earlier

Mama Joseph: Me be like who dey play? Where that bottle, Onome gimme the bottle. (She picks a bottle up and smashes it) Ehen who una say una be

Soldier 2: Abeg make we dey go. This woman is crazy. Let us go

Mama Joseph: (As they leave) Una no well. My pikin Joseph go be stepfather with a difference, he go train Mary pikin big until he fulfil him destiny as Prince of Peace, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. All who come to him, he shall bless and give rest. Una dohhhhh.
Yes na me, MAMA of Papa Jesus. Una bye bye
Curtain closes.


Cc

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