Hello friends,

one of my best friends has always fantasized about her dowry being a little box of pure 24k gold bars or coins. She's a muslim and has always mentioned that Islam permits the bride to demand for whatever or how much her dowry should be (pls correct if it's wrong, this is a learning forum).

She got engaged recently and we were all happy and excited for her but she told me a few days ago that when her fiance asked what she wanted for her dowry, and she mentioned the gold idea to him, he flared up. he said amongst other things that is she selling herself? that if she loved him, she would ask only 5000 naira or thereabout, that how is he going to face his relatives when he spends a lot of money for dowry. mind you, her fiance is wealthy and can afford spending a couple of millions to fill her pandora box, but my friend is hurt cos she feels he missed the mark.

i personally have seen and heard of houses, brand new cars, gold and big cash given as dowry, is it wrong for a woman to demand to have her childhood dream come true? does it make her a bad muslim? is there a limit to a woman's demand even when it's within her groom's means?

this husband will beat her sometime in the future

@ davidylan, why would he beat her? if he loves her enough he should give her wht she wants afterall is she going to eat the gold? she'll probably keep it as part of her estate that would be passed on to their children. that's why you men especially Nigerian guys hardly buy expensive gifts for their wives cos you are always stingy and unromantic. if its a sheik from dubai now, he'll see the gold coin dowry as a pride, he'll add a house and a mercedes join sef, ( all if he can afford)

@ cooljade

Whilst I think 5000 naira is a bit stingy, I don't think her Fiance's reaction was out of place, even if she didn't expect it.  It seems she didn't expect her dream world and the real world to collide one day.

If some men give their intended cars, houses etc, doesn't necessarily mean that every woman should attempt to demand as much as they want.  If a Sheikh does it, it's because he can afford it. 

Not everyone wants to be that ostentatious.  I suggest she have a back-up dowry plan that has more sentiment attached.  Plus 24k gold these days is very expensive, much less a number of bars!

Dowries are outdated customs that have no place in the 21st century 

If getting married depends on what you are going to get then it is better to stay single

Thanks all,

@ N101, its not bad for a girl to dream especially when such was done to her mother. she's half egyptian and her nigerian dad did quite a lot to play along the Islam/egyptian culture to marry her mum. pls don't get me wrong here, i all along mentioned that the man can clearly afford it. she said he's concern is that his family might complain that he's wasting money, but what the heck, she is his bride and such act should be seen as an investment to their own family and unborn kids. I'm a chrstian and have seen lots of muslims pay heavy dowry, AS LONG AS THE MAN CAN AFFORD IT.

@Thor, Dowry is customary and peculiar to the african continent ( and some parts of the world). it depends on the woman whether she wants to be dragged to the registry unceremoniousy and hitched or celebrated in true feminity. I LOVE and appreciate the whole drama that comes with traditional marriage; Ibo, Yoruba or especially Hausa (where lots of goodies are given in boxes

cooljade:

@ davidylan, why would he beat her? if he loves her enough he should give her wht she wants afterall is she going to eat the gold? she'll probably keep it as part of her estate that would be passed on to their children. that's why you men especially Nigerian guys hardly buy expensive gifts for their wives cos you are always stingy and unromantic. if its a sheik from dubai now, he'll see the gold coin dowry as a pride, he'll add a house and a mercedes join sef, ( all if he can afford)

Why are u hiding? Don't you know the way to Dubai. You should have known that there are no Sheiks in Nigeria. Stupid f**king retard.

cooljade:

@Thor, Dowry is customary and peculiar to the african continent ( and some parts of the world). it depends on the woman whether she wants to be dragged to the registry unceremoniousy and hitched or celebrated in true feminity. I LOVE and appreciate the whole drama that comes with traditional marriage; Ibo, Yoruba or especially Hausa (where lots of goodies are given in boxes

Later you will start talking of female liberation. Don't you know that male dorminance is part of the African tradition?

Is it the woman that now determines her bride price?
Me thought it was customary!

agitator:

Why are u hiding? Don't you know the way to Dubai.  You should have known that there are no Sheiks in Nigeria.  Stupid f**king retard.
Later you will start talking of female liberation. Don't you know that male dorminance is part of the African tradition?

u r a true agitator

@ agitator, there's no need to use fowl words on this page. there are better and cleaner ways to express your lack of reasoning + stingy nature. My advice to you is to make enough money in your life to give your woman a dream come true romantic union fest e.g an engagement ring from cartier. I pray for a time when men around would appreciate a lady enough to actually purchase a jewelry from new bond street rather than mere window shopping, afterall De grisogono, Bvlgari, Graff etc are stores not only made for white men or two headed Nigerians.

@Hotteju, yeah customarily, it's decided by elders But I'm told that in the Muslim/islamic culture the bride determines her price or can assign a senior family member to do so while she secretly asks for a girt from her hubby which he can fulfill immediately or within the shortest time possible. Muslim ladies in the house can help out on this.

They both need to meet somewhere in the middle, just because he's wealthy doesn't mean he should break the bank, I don't see how a car, jewellery, etc shows his commitment to her, then again if he has dangote type money she should ask for a plane, lol. On the other hand, for him to ask and expect her to say N5000 is ridiculous,

I found this concerning Islam and Dowries though

http://www.questionsonislam.com/subpage.php?s=show_qna&id=405

@ sweddings, thanks a lot my dear. i read the link and it was quite useful. for the stingy confused men out there and the muslim ladies out there, here's a caption from the passage

[i]According to the Islamic jurisprudence, a woman married to a Muslim man has a right to get a property or money which is called mehr. It is advised to mention about mehr while solemnizing the nikah. However, either mentioning about it or not during the nikah, even if it is ignored or denied; the woman has the right of having mehr. That is to say, the mehr is the most natural right of woman.

At the same time this is a divine right given to the woman. However, woman can remit the dowry to her husband after marrying. Unless woman remits that dowry voluntarily, her right to take it back continues[/i].

As i said, my friend's husband - to-be dashes car out like no man business (maybe cos he wants the big boy recognition) and has the money. he travels round the world with my friend o. but as she puts her mouth to demand her dowry , he wants to chicken out. ii know 24k gold is expensive but it wont be up to the price of a new honda he gave his sister on her wedding day, haba.

i think if d guy can afford it there is nothin wrong with fulfulling her dreams by giving her d gold. to me i think its even better than paying money as brideprice. like were i come from d cash its not d big deal its d gifts dats is suppose to come with it.

i think a bride price is only too much only when the man cannot afford to pay it. and if any man is selfish about spending on his wedding then dat guy will forever be stingy so bride watch it.

@cooljade, i know every woman has a wish-list but it should be guaged . i equally know that money can sometimes say how much you luv a woman more than mere words can, but it belongs to a wise woman to make the man suggest that(i mean the expensive gifts) rather that demand for "that".your friend failed in her homework . let her conquer or find her way into her man's heart and every other thing shall be given to her ------ half the world is possible so long as the man owns the whole world.

cooljade:

As i said,  my friend's husband - to-be dashes car out like no man business (maybe cos he wants the big boy recognition) and has the money. he travels round the world with my friend o. but as she puts her mouth to demand her dowry , he wants to chicken out. ii know 24k gold is expensive but it wont be up to the price of a new honda he gave his sister on her wedding day,  haba.

and yet you feel he is being stingy

davidylan:

this husband will beat her sometime in the future

Shaaarrapp!!! The question was about dowry! Answer the question or go buy diamonds for your girlfriend.

@poster, the girl can ask for whatever she wants. Its the way she asks that matters. She definitely won't ask for such if she thinks her guy cannot afford it but the guy must not be made to feel like he's being milked. Its a delicate balance.

@ cooljade

its like u hav answers to everybody's post. why ask the question? the holy Quran, hadiths, possibly alfas, imans, ameerahs, amers can give u answer if u re still looking for more

@ agitator,  there's no need to use fowl words on this page. there are better and cleaner ways to express your lack of reasoning + stingy nature. My advice to you is to make enough money in your life to give your woman a dream come true romantic union fest e.g an engagement ring from cartier. I pray for a time when men around would appreciate a lady enough to actually purchase a jewelry from new bond street rather than mere window shopping, afterall De grisogono, Bvlgari, Graff etc are stores not only made for white men or two headed Nigerians.





Cooljade, what did ur father gave ur mum when he was paying his dowry, did he even know the way to shopping mall talk less of buying customized gifts.

the designer u mentioned were they not all modernised Goldsmith. wht is special abt them, afterall Mariah Carey got engagement ring of 2.5million usd from Nick Cannon, tell ur father to buy tht for ur mum now.

Man can do anything he feels is alright.

Gold digger  depending on her man.

Thanks all but Candyshore hit the nail on the head. There's nothing wrong in fulfilling a woman's wish if you can afford it + if its going to remain in the family (but in her name). Maybe thats where the problem lies, maybe he prefers giving her perishable things instead of investments as most Nigerian men do (for fear of building the woman power).

or maybe and most probabaly

He doesn't want to make her dowry as ahe requested because of his family particularly his mother. I know his mum never got along with her and always saw my friend as a competitor.  I recall a personal experience when my friend planned going to dubai to buy her clothes e.c.t that would be presented to her at the wedding (you know, the usual set of boxes) my friend asked me to travel with her, then mother- in-law intervened saying that she (mother) must go herself and purchase the items cos my friend might "pinch" her son's money. My firned felt very bad cos most of our other girls travelled themselves to fill their boxes. How can a 60+ old woman know what a young girl needs e.g. type of lingerie, perfumes, nighties etc. Her mother in law wants to control every thing her son does for my friend.

so i verily think that, his reason for rejecting the dowry demand is the fear of almighty mother. but isn't it the bride's day? isn't the wedding all about her? she feels really bad that he is turning her down and  he now thinks her friends are the ones influencing her request. , especially me

Cooljade: This one you call men filthy and stingy. Why do you and your pal want to marry a man? Marry yourselves and do what your childhood dreams are. I hate when women come up with their nonsense, sending a brother to early grave or debtness. How do you know he is rich? Even Dangote has some folks' money for flexing. Only a woman will see a man with a pal's car and start drooling. Women should make their own money, MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tufiakwaa!

A bride price is too expensive if it prevents a good man from marrying a good girl. Any price that prevent a good guy from marrying a bad girl is ok.

@ spicyboy 01,

it may interest you to know that my father got married to my mother in russia during his studies as an engineer and he played along very well to the folk laws there but mainly the registry as religion was still openly feared for it still the communism era. Ane he sure knew the way to shopping malls cos their honeymoon was spend in switzerland and Venice. So not everyone is as backward as YOU. my point here is SPICYBOY 01 can still dream okay, i know of Nigerians who plan overseas wedding for the fun of it. People try to make their lives more interesting especially when we absorb the exposure through the good lives of other people.

and my friend is no gold digger, for your information, she is of a better and wealthier family background than him and works in Exxon Mobil as a cilvil engineer. giving credit to her fiance, he struggled to be where he is today financially and has been the breadwinner of his own family, that's why his mother can't let go of him and he is scared of openly spending on my friend. I'm begining to think she's too much for him sef, Grow up SPICYBOY 01 and stop referring to girls wanting a good life as gold diggers, afterall, there are more male diamond diggers than women today, true!

you must clarify your post because bride price and dowry are not the same thing.

Ferdiii, you should read all my posts before wrting. No one is sending anyboy to any grave, . if there's a grave in question, it should be the one he built for himself . he saw a high class polshied pretty half caste and wants to marry her with 5000 naira. he should have gone to his village in search of a bride. a few bars of gold will not send Dangote to an early grave (since dangote seems to be the only rich man you guys seem to know in niogeria).


@ pek
i didn't mention PRIDE PRICE but Bride price, pls educate me on the difference btw the two. Thanks professor

cooljade:

@ spicyboy 01,
and my friend is no gold digger, for your information, she is of a better and wealthier family background than him and works in Exxon Mobil as a cilvil engineer. giving credit to her fiance, he struggled to be where he is today financially and has been the breadwinner of his own family, that's why his mother can't let go of him and he is scared of openly spending on my friend. I'm begining to think she's too much for him sef, Grow up SPICYBOY 01 and stop referring to girls wanting a good life as gold diggers, afterall, there are more male diamond diggers than women today, true!

Since you are the personal adviser of your friend, why not advise her to leave the low life and move ahead? Abi dem dey force her?

Whether or not he can afford it it not the issue. When some women place emphasis on these kinds of material, irelevant, pointless things I'm not sure why they'll begin to complain when their husbands treat them like property.

The concept of Dowry should be left behind in the 20th century where it belongs.

i hope your "friend" has a 24carat lined snatch to go with her request,its  ok to fantasize but you nees to get real,what does buyin GOLD BARS for your bride price have to do with proving love?, next thing you will ask for fair and equal treatment when he has PAID for you,, go figure.

advice to "friend", dont demand anything,you can get your gold bars and more if you give him some of your own, make it look like it was his idea and he will build you a 24carat gold palace in the middle of the freaking Pacific

cooljade:

Ferdiii, you should read all my posts before wrting. No one is sending anyboy to any grave, . if there's a grave in question, it should be the one he built for himself . he saw a high class polshied pretty half caste and wants to marry her with 5000 naira. he should have gone to his village in search of a bride. a few bars of gold will not send Dangote to an early grave (since dangote seems to be the only rich man you guys seem to know in niogeria).


@ pek
i didn't mention PRIDE PRICE but Bride price, pls educate me on the difference btw the two. Thanks professor

thanks for the correction it was an obvious typographical error.
i was inclined to educate you until i noticed the sarcaism.

JeSoul:

Whether or not he can afford it it not the issue. When some women place emphasis on these kinds of material, irelevant, pointless things I'm not sure why they'll begin to complain when their husbands treat them like property.
The concept of Dowry should be left behind in the 20th century where it belongs.

Cooljade said it's African tradition/moslem tradition.

la!:

What does buyin GOLD BARS for your bride price have to do with proving love?

In Nigeria, it proves beyond resonable doubt.  If I'm lying ask Cooljade  

Bride price is too much when it is out of reach of the groom.
When a man has to borrow to pay it, it is too much.
When the man frowns at it, it is too much.