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Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Nobody: 7:53pm On May 21, 2016
^^Chineke @sweetcocoa ke ndi israel. Why did you quote me no ni? What I do? grin cheesy
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sweetcocoa(f): 7:57pm On May 21, 2016
WellEndowed:
^^Chineke @sweetcocoa ke ndi israel. Why did you quote me no ni? What I do? grin cheesy
Sorry no vex abeg, na mistake. grin
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sweetcocoa(f): 8:01pm On May 21, 2016
kaboninc:


Like where have I been? Smh...... undecided


We were chatting the other day and you just veered off only for me to meet you here dragging a patanla with someone here.

But do you like to fight....with hands or mouth or fingers?
Lol. I didn't veer off jor, we will still continue na, pipe low jorgrin

I don't fight, and no ask me that kind question again.angry
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by kaboninc(m): 10:40pm On May 21, 2016
sweetcocoa:
Lol. I didn't veer off jor, we will still continue na, pipe low jorgrin

I don't fight, and no ask me that kind question again.angry

Loll...okay oh. I we wait for you!



Good to know you don't because I've been seeing those fighting signs from you in this thread.
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by MMotimo: 1:38am On May 22, 2016
Now to the questions:

1. What makes the husband the head/ sole authority if he expects the wife to contribute to the upkeep without necessarily compromising in domestics?

2. Why is the average woman who wants to marry/date a financially ok man called a gold digger considering that she is still expected to play her own part?

3. Why do people frown on a wife who expects her husband to provide all (even women programs emphasize this and call them lazy esp. stay @ home moms) while the wife is expected to handle the domestics majorly?

4. Why is a wife expected to handle the domestics alone when she becomes the breadwinner working outside the home and her hubby is largely at home?



1. This is where religious convictions come to play. I have a simple belief that my hysband is the head of the home and that is rooted in my christianity. I would not use "sole authority" though because authorization depends on the specific issue. Whether or not I earn money does not change that.

2. Is that true? My siblings and I were raised to believe as a girl, you don't get married until you graduate university and have a job. The boys were raised to make sure they finished school, had jobs before thinking of marriage and married girls that had followed their sisters' steps. So, there is no talk of gold digger anywhere. Perhaps that kind of talk arises when you have females with no money/no job/still in school marrying a man that has already amassed wealth? If a working girl marries a working man, there would be no talk of gold digging.

3. Who are the people frowning? The jealous and/or ignorant ones who envy the financial stability/discipline, the trust, the respect of a setup that can accommodate a stay at home arrangement? People who are still carrying the damage from the domestic violence their controlling fathers meted out to their housewife mothers? You have to know a person's story to understand their apathy. What is the "all" that is being provided? Money? When you meet real, well paid, hardworking men that value stability of their home life, you will realize these are people that know money is not all that's needed and that a stay home wife is a gem contributing to that stability by providing balance on the home front, especially when the kids are still young. Your kids do not care how much money you have when you cannot volunteer in their class/school or on field trips because you have to be at work. They don't care about your money when you force their sickly selves to go to school because you don't want to miss that all important meeting at work, meaning you can't stay home to nurse them, etc, etc.

Nigerians are wired to think a stay at home arrangement automatically puts the parties at a disadvantage and that there's something wrong with the wife (husband must be complaining, wife must have been forced by husband to accept, wife must be lazy, inlaws must be complaining, etc) because all they see is their own backgrounds, their experiences, and the people they see/saw around them suffering the harsh realities of no money, controlling husbands, suffering relatives, etc.

I have been a stay at home Mom and I know countless others who have been so I can speak authoritatively on the subject. My post history is littered with my views on the arrangement so I won't start a new epistle here.

When I stayed home, my husband still helped with chores when he came home because he genuinely likes me and does not think chores are only for women and even though I have been back to work for years and work less than he does, he still does equal or more chores than me. Till tomorrow, my family eats out or even eats simple meals like cereal, sandwiches, etc if I don't cook. I do the chores he does if I feel like. Life is as simple as you make it.

4. I have nothing to relate this scenario to. If domestics are cooking and cleaning, my sisters and I and SILs do the cooking because that's how we were raised. My husband and brothers can only cook basic rice and fry eggs but they can clean. The females are not complaining, the males are not either. No one has anything to prove to anyone. It is how we were raised and thank God each was able to find a complementary spouse so there's no wahala.


Personally, a cooking man does not hold any appeal for me, a cleaning man does it for me everytime. I am a product of my background and no apologies. Fine boys didn't cook back in the day, they bought food because they could afford to and didn't need to bring pots and pans to Uni. I know economic realities are harsher so it makes more sense now but I am too old to wipe away the memory of hostel boys cooking smelly beans in blackened pots on the balcony with smoky kerosene stoves as you walked by. I could say more but the discerning can understand what I mean. I had no interest in boys that went to the market to price pepper and tomato, same way today I don't get a pot bellied middle aged man boasting about his cooking prowess in his stockfish smell stinky home.

If a husband in our family circle found himself at home for some reason, there would be no change to the roles. I would not expect my husband to start cooking because of that, we would still do what each has always done.

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Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by crackhaus: 4:45pm On May 23, 2016
sweetcocoa:
I still dey laugh you cos you know you just deceiving yourself.tongue


Sweety, when I make demands, believe me, you won't be in a place to be giving conditions.
Lol.. Such confidence grin

I hope you can back it up with the looks and attitude, else you're the one deceiving yourself.. cheesy
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sweetcocoa(f): 5:31pm On May 23, 2016
crackhaus:

Lol.. Such confidence grin

I hope you can back it up with the looks and attitude, else you're the one deceiving yourself.. cheesy
Lol, I shouldn't toot my own horn but believe me, you will stare if I waka pass you, and I treat people right.tongue

Just don't argue, you'll do what I ask and make sure I'm happy while at itgrin
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by crackhaus: 5:41pm On May 23, 2016
sweetcocoa:
Lol, I shouldn't toot my own horn but believe me, you will stare if I waka pass you, and I treat people right.tongue

Just don't argue, you'll do what I ask and make sure I'm happy while at itgrin
Toot your horns away jor, no time..

Just know that with this level of 'horn tooting', I may just end up being disappointed with what I stare at in the end. cheesy
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sweetcocoa(f): 5:47pm On May 23, 2016
crackhaus:

Toot your horns away jor, no time..

Just know that with this level of 'horn tooting', I may just end up being disappointed with what I stare at in the end. cheesy
Lol, wicked.

I guarantee you won't be, even if you be gay sefcheesy
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by crackhaus: 6:02pm On May 23, 2016
sweetcocoa:
Lol, wicked.

I guarantee you won't be, even if you be gay sefcheesy
Well you know what they say, "walk the talk" gringrin

Oya prove it!
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sweetcocoa(f): 6:16pm On May 23, 2016
crackhaus:

Well you know what they say, "walk the talk" gringrin

Oya prove it!
I knew that was going to be the next thing.

Come to my house and see for yourself.tongue
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by crackhaus: 6:21pm On May 23, 2016
sweetcocoa:
I knew that was going to be the next thing.

Come to my house and see for yourself.tongue
Give me the address or you're a chicken. gringrin
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sweetcocoa(f): 6:50pm On May 23, 2016
crackhaus:

Give me the address or you're a chicken. gringrin
I've sent someone to bring it to you, you'll have it in no time, just wait small, you hear? grin
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by bukatyne(f): 6:28pm On May 24, 2016
MMotimo:




1. This is where religious convictions come to play. I have a simple belief that my hysband is the head of the home and that is rooted in my christianity. I would not use "sole authority" though because authorization depends on the specific issue. Whether or not I earn money does not change that.

Ok

MMotimo:
2. Is that true? My siblings and I were raised to believe as a girl, you don't get married until you graduate university and have a job. The boys were raised to make sure they finished school, had jobs before thinking of marriage and married girls that had followed their sisters' steps. So, there is no talk of gold digger anywhere. Perhaps that kind of talk arises when you have females with no money/no job/still in school marrying a man that has already amassed wealth? If a working girl marries a working man, there would be no talk of gold digging.

Most ladies interested in the strict role division want a man who is able to provide because it is 'his sole responsibility' and when they express that desire are called 'gold diggers'

MMotimo:
3. Who are the people frowning? The jealous and/or ignorant ones who envy the financial stability/discipline, the trust, the respect of a setup that can accommodate a stay at home arrangement? People who are still carrying the damage from the domestic violence their controlling fathers meted out to their housewife mothers? You have to know a person's story to understand their apathy. What is the "all" that is being provided? Money? When you meet real, well paid, hardworking men that value stability of their home life, you will realize these are people that know money is not all that's needed and that a stay home wife is a gem contributing to that stability by providing balance on the home front, especially when the kids are still young. Your kids do not care how much money you have when you cannot volunteer in their class/school or on field trips because you have to be at work. They don't care about your money when you force their sickly selves to go to school because you don't want to miss that all important meeting at work, meaning you can't stay home to nurse them, etc, etc.

Nigerians are wired to think a stay at home arrangement automatically puts the parties at a disadvantage and that there's something wrong with the wife (husband must be complaining, wife must have been forced by husband to accept, wife must be lazy, inlaws must be complaining, etc) because all they see is their own backgrounds, their experiences, and the people they see/saw around them suffering the harsh realities of no money, controlling husbands, suffering relatives, etc.

I have been a stay at home Mom and I know countless others who have been so I can speak authoritatively on the subject. My post history is littered with my views on the arrangement so I won't start a new epistle here.

When I stayed home, my husband still helped with chores when he came home because he genuinely likes me and does not think chores are only for women and even though I have been back to work for years and work less than he does, he still does equal or more chores than me. Till tomorrow, my family eats out or even eats simple meals like cereal, sandwiches, etc if I don't cook. I do the chores he does if I feel like. Life is as simple as you make it.

You have been an advocate of stay at home moms and I must honestly confess you, Efemena and Dami got me thinking about it in a different light. I will say the resistance to it is not really jealousy but more of how people around them suffered from little or no access to funds. Again, SHMs work best when the couple operate a joint account (which is still alien to the typical Nigerian).

Also, our concept of SHMs is different from the western concept. It was on NL and through reading I knew SHMs could further their education online, do side businesses etc. while at home. Here, SHM is someone who stays at home all day and nollywood is not helping matters grin

Again, the drive to become 'something' in life and not waste your education is there. And to be honest, it is not easy hopping in and out of employment in Nigeria.

And a number of SHMs are not by choice and the church tags them lazy without offering practical solution to women who are over-buderned. Na to confess 'I am a superwoman' them know.

MMotimo:
4. I have nothing to relate this scenario to. If domestics are cooking and cleaning, my sisters and I and SILs do the cooking because that's how we were raised. My husband and brothers can only cook basic rice and fry eggs but they can clean. The females are not complaining, the males are not either. No one has anything to prove to anyone. It is how we were raised and thank God each was able to find a complementary spouse so there's no wahala

Personally, a cooking man does not hold any appeal for me, a cleaning man does it for me everytime. I am a product of my background and no apologies. Fine boys didn't cook back in the day, they bought food because they could afford to and didn't need to bring pots and pans to Uni. I know economic realities are harsher so it makes more sense now but I am too old to wipe away the memory of hostel boys cooking smelly beans in blackened pots on the balcony with smoky kerosene stoves as you walked by. I could say more but the discerning can understand what I mean. I had no interest in boys that went to the market to price pepper and tomato, same way today I don't get a pot bellied middle aged man boasting about his cooking prowess in his stockfish smell stinky home.

Those male students must have rily pissed you off grin. I imagine one saying 'hi MMotimo, bla bla bla' nd you conjure the imagine of him cooking in the balcony evenings ago tongue

MMotimo:
If a husband in our family circle found himself at home for some reason, there would be no change to the roles. I would not expect my husband to start cooking because of that, we would still do what each has always done.

Reading your posts always shown how your family is run and I would say no defined roles in the domestics/finance so things would flow as they have always been.

I wanted views on how people with strict role division would fare due to recent happenings and discussions with friends.

P.S.: I know you run a joint account, how do you buy gifts for your husband?

1 Like

Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by A40(m): 2:51am On May 26, 2016
sweetcocoa:
Sadly I agree with you about women depending on a man's finance a lot in nigeria but you must know that, these men and women have some sort of arrangement, where the man mostly pays and the woman does all his chores/is almost always at his beck and call, she gives something in return, so you see? It's a trade by barter sort of thing.

If we are to judge based on him spending on her, how about all she does for him?

Please note that I am not in support of this practice, just stating the obvious.

Loool what chores? Girls of nowadays? What are the odds she is bringing anything other than her vajayjay to the table

If I hear say trade by barter dey go on
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by MMotimo: 8:10pm On May 28, 2016
@ bukatyne

I want to try very hard not to write another epistle embarassed

The concept of "sole provider" is hard for me because I believe each spouse is contributing to the union and it does not necessarily have to be via money. If money was all that was needed to have a good marriage, Donald Trump would not be married to his third wife. Marriage is a partnership to run a successful business (the home) and I just believe we each bring different skill sets to the union. Man or woman can make a lot of money and still, financial success is elusive because they can't manage finances. Some make a lot of money but you raise kids that are an embarrassment because of their mindset, their behavior and/or value system. Perhaps worse, while you are busy chasing money, your kids are at the mercy of the streets and influences that damage them for life.

I often refer to my upbringing because it shaped the person I am today. For instance, my Mom has always been a shopper so she paid for a lot of things when we were growing up and even today, she still shops for her kids and grandkids. Knowing that, it would be hard for me to understand a man paying for everything if the wife is working too. I guess that is where the whole unity thing and absolute trust comes in. We have one pot for money that comes into the household, regardless of the earner and our spending is on that basis. I would trust my spouse with my life and vice versa, the reason why there is no secret around money, including our life insurance policies. It is simplicity at work. No one is building a secret house and no one is stealing from the pot to buy stuff the household cannot afford.

I am delighted that my advocacy has you viewing things differently about stay at home Moms. If one woman can see it differently from gloom and doom and said woman is married to a partner who shares the view and they can afford it and it works for their family, that brings a big smile to my face. As for the doing small business on the side angle, I did not do any side business because if I am going to work for money, it had better be worth it and I would be better paid using my certificates. Torokobo has never been my thing, it was either we could afford a SHM model or we could not.

For most people it is not sustainable forever because of affordability. Today, our expenses require 2 incomes and that is the primary reason why I work. If we could still afford the model, I would be building on talents in our children that necessitate a lot of travel and training expenses. What I see more with the Naija version of SHM are couples where the woman is staying home out of compulsion or laziness. It is not a joint decision - I cannot over emphasize the unity needed for this kind of decision. If your household cannot afford it, you cannot feed your relatives, there is financial strain, it's crippling your social life, etc then why are you still employing the model? You don't need a soothsayer to tell you it is not affordable.

As for those make students, I bet today, they are mostly the ones that would refuse to boil rice today because they "suffered" too much back then grin There are several husbands in our social circle that cook better than their wives and will showcase their talent when they invite guests for dinner. I have no problem with that as long as you are not rolling around your kitchen with a pot belly. Long as you are keeping trim, I can rejoice with you cheesy

You know, we're not really into gifting but even with a joint account, I can pull it off easily because I take care of the finances and he does not check the accounts unless he's looking out for a specific deposit or withdrawal.

We are not big on gifting because we don't often buy something without the other's buy-in anyway, more like we shop together and it's usually clothing items or accessories. If either of us is going to lay out cash on something that costs a lot of money, the other would know. Sometimes we disagree on choice but not often. He's a fine boy with a great sense of style so if he says it does not look good on me, there's a 90% chance I will return the item to the store and vice versa. I am hard to shop for and so is he, so we just buy what we "affordably desire" at any particular time.

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Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Mamatee07: 9:08pm On May 28, 2016
I feel like these arguments/ discussions have become redundant because clearly we will all have different views. Ultimately no 2 marriages are ever the same. Simply marry someone who thinks like you. We who want men who share the chores with us while we share bills will marry like minded men ( many of us already did) while women who believe men doing those chores is some taboo will also marry like minded men.

Just do you
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by bukatyne(f): 9:59pm On May 28, 2016
WellEndowed:
There is nothing wrong with sticking to gender roles....as long as BOTH PARTIES are okay with it.

I recently came across an Indian woman who has refused to further her education because according to her, if she does, she would end up earning more than her husband and wouldn't want that. She in her own opinion, believes men should earn more. Who am I to object if them two are okay with it undecided

Wise woman

She knows what she wants and actively works/un-works towards it.
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by sunnywinter(f): 11:41am On Jul 25, 2016
shaybebaby:

You are still stalking my sweetcocoa everywhere abi? Stalker!
What does she have to do to shot of you? You are like that one poo in the toilet that one keeps flushing and it won't go- unflushable, that's what youuuuuu aaaaaah re ( in the voice of nat king cole) grin grin : grin grin
lmaoooo... unflushable? really?? btw i love Nat
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by bukatyne(f): 3:11am On Aug 09, 2021
Enjoyed the unwise decision of going through this thread again.
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by Idaytesj29(m): 7:30am On Aug 11, 2021
MMotimo:
@ bukatyne

I want to try very hard not to write another epistle embarassed

The concept of "sole provider" is hard for me because I believe each spouse is contributing to the union and it does not necessarily have to be via money. If money was all that was needed to have a good marriage, Donald Trump would not be married to his third wife. Marriage is a partnership to run a successful business (the home) and I just believe we each bring different skill sets to the union. Man or woman can make a lot of money and still, financial success is elusive because they can't manage finances. Some make a lot of money but you raise kids that are an embarrassment because of their mindset, their behavior and/or value system. Perhaps worse, while you are busy chasing money, your kids are at the mercy of the streets and influences that damage them for life.

I often refer to my upbringing because it shaped the person I am today. For instance, my Mom has always been a shopper so she paid for a lot of things when we were growing up and even today, she still shops for her kids and grandkids. Knowing that, it would be hard for me to understand a man paying for everything if the wife is working too. I guess that is where the whole unity thing and absolute trust comes in. We have one pot for money that comes into the household, regardless of the earner and our spending is on that basis. I would trust my spouse with my life and vice versa, the reason why there is no secret around money, including our life insurance policies. It is simplicity at work. No one is building a secret house and no one is stealing from the pot to buy stuff the household cannot afford.

I am delighted that my advocacy has you viewing things differently about stay at home Moms. If one woman can see it differently from gloom and doom and said woman is married to a partner who shares the view and they can afford it and it works for their family, that brings a big smile to my face. As for the doing small business on the side angle, I did not do any side business because if I am going to work for money, it had better be worth it and I would be better paid using my certificates. Torokobo has never been my thing, it was either we could afford a SHM model or we could not.

For most people it is not sustainable forever because of affordability. Today, our expenses require 2 incomes and that is the primary reason why I work. If we could still afford the model, I would be building on talents in our children that necessitate a lot of travel and training expenses. What I see more with the Naija vetsion of SHM are couples whete the woman is staying home out of compulsion or laziness. It is not a joint decision - I cannot over emphasize the unity needed for this kind of decision. If your household cannot afford it, you cannot feed your relatives, there is financial strain, it's crippling your social life, etc then why are you still employing the model? You don't need a soothsayer to tell you it is not affordable.

As for those make students, I bet today, they are mostly the ones that would refuse to boil rice today because they "suffered" too much back then grin There are several husbands in our social circle thst cook better than their wives and will showcase their talent when they invite guests for dinner. I have no problem with that as long as you are not rolling around your kitchen with a pot belly. Long as you are keeping trim, I can rejoice with you cheesy

You know, we're not really into gifting but even with a joint account, I can pull it off easily because I take care of the finances and he does not check the accounts unless he's looking out for a specific deposit or withdrawal.

We are not big on gifting because we don't often buy something without the other's buy-in anyway, more like we shop together and it's usually clothing items or accessories. If either of us is going to lay out cash on something that costs a lot of money, the other would know. Sometimes we disagree on choice but not often. He's a fine boy with a great sense of style so if he says it does not look good on me, there's a 90% chance I will return the item to the store and vice versa. I am hard to shop for and so is he, so we just buy what we "affordably desire" at any particular time.

Good morning, I have a pending request for a meeting with you. Something like a Tea-talk or something.

I believe I can pick a lot of positives from your personality.
I have sent you a DM, kindly respond to it.
Re: Roles In The 'nigerian' Family by MMotimo: 2:03am On Aug 16, 2021
Idaytesj29:


Good morning, I have a pending request for a meeting with you. Something like a Tea-talk or something.

I believe I can pick a lot of positives from your personality.
I have sent you a DM, kindly respond to it.

I didn’t get the request but I’m happy to chat here on the forum, I don’t check that email account anyway.
Mention me on an old thread and I will respond.

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