Ujoan:


But she said he was the one to shut her out and stopped all communications.

Abi?

No. She cursed and insulted him until he eventually shut down. It means he wanted to communicate but she didn't let him.

She had every right to be angry. He hurt her deeply and betrayed her trust. However she should hear him out instead of getting riled up from all the comments on the other thread. In her rage she didnt even find out what actually happened. It might not change anything but at least she can get some closure. No need carrying rotten apples on your back when u can let them go and be truly free.

Byvan03 and Ujoan,

you ladies are mean.

I think Raumdeuter's poetry was like awwww even though it only included standard equipment, we want more extras, luxury.

Raumdeuter,

come on now. The things involved should go without saying.

What about a fat bank account, a fleshy extra size willy, height, good looks ---> good genes --> beautiful children?

I am going through each comment here,I learn more and some people comments made laugh. I am not saying I wouldn't love whoever I get married to tomorrow but telling me out rightly that he not going to be comfortable having my son around is what made me say my son is more important than a thousand husband. I have been through a lot raising him alone even in the toughest of all moments even when my mother begged me to take him,I refused. I nearly lost my life during labour, I had prolonged labour and gave birth through emergency cs. Maybe that why I love my son so dearly and I can't help it.

urbanmsg:
I am going through each comment here,I learn more and some people comments made laugh. I am not saying I wouldn't love whoever I get married to tomorrow but telling me out rightly that he not going to be comfortable having my son around is what made me say my son is more important than a thousand husband. I have been through a lot raising him alone even in the toughest of all moments even when my mother begged me to take him,I refused. I nearly lost my life during labour, I had prolonged labour and gave birth through emergency cs. Maybe that why I love my son so dearly and I can't help it.

You don't need to explain yourself dear. You did what every good mother would do. And yes, our children are dearest to us. Anyone who has a problem with it can blame nature or even God for all I care.

I respect you for it. I would do the same.

Mindfulness:
Byvan03 and Ujoan,

you ladies are mean.

I think Raumdeuter's poetry was like awwww even though it only included standard equipment, we want more extras, luxury.

Raumdeuter,

come on now. The things involved should go without saying.

What about a fat bank account, a fleshy extra size willy, height, good looks ---> good genes --> beautiful children?

Babe you are the mean one right now by rubbing it in .

byvan03:


Babe you are the mean one right now by rubbing it in .

I am just playing.

5minsmadness:

No. She cursed and insulted him until he eventually shut down. It means he wanted to communicate but she didn't let him.

She had every right to be angry. He hurt her deeply and betrayed her trust. However she should hear him out instead of getting riled up from all the comments on the other thread. In her rage she didnt even find out what actually happened. It might not change anything but at least she can get some closure. No need carrying rotten apples on your back when u can let them go and be truly free.

I have following your comment,you see my son's father is a passive aggressive person. He will do something that will drive one mad but will never want to be involved in any can kind of confrontation or discussion concerning the issue,he likes keeping malice a lot. If I didn't love him I would have agreed to marry him and have waited all these years waiting for him only to find out he has been living with another woman to even having a child with her.

Ujoan:


ROTFLMAO

Sorry, I just had to get it out of my system . . . You crack me up! !

Of course you know he was referring to her financial capacity . . . No sane man asks such a silly question. He dates her first and if he sees the qualities he desires he proposes to her . . . Let's not pretend we don't know what that paticular guys question is all about.

If the suitor is asking about financial capacity then that means he has doubt about her ability to meet financial obligations required from a spouse

And that is a very valid question to ask before we start saying in the future "Why didnt you discuss all these before getting married"

An0nimus:


I find this very hard to believe in this Nigeria we are. Of course, people are different.

I blinked twice when I read that post about loving her son more than a thousand husbands. Just last week, I heard the case of a woman who told her step son "stop using your academics to get to my husband". It will be difficult living with someone who devotes a better part of their time to a child from a previous relationship. What if they do it to the detriment of the kids from the new spouse? it sets a foundation for a lot of things to go wrong.

It's not hard to imagine the OP snap at a man for disciplining her kid. Even when it's done with good intentions. Oh well, what do I know

OP people have adviced you. Do you, take care of your child, be happy.

God's grace.

Any woman / man that says such to the step child is not well and has deeper issues (referring to the example you cited above). It's wrong on all levels.

Now, the role of a step parent in raising a child is a tough one. However, it should be done with caution when it comes to the issue of discipline.
Most times, it should be left to the principal parent. I know women can be softer in instilling discipline (not all women sha, cos some are Margaret Thatcher), but the man can always talk to his wife about enforcing discipline.
Even trying to correct the child of a relative living with you can always be misconstrued.
Even some parents don't like how their spouses discipline the children they have together. There's always a good cop and a bad cop between parents, so no offence should be taken if you discipline a child and the mother or father complains (bami no Omo mi ko dey inu olomo- EPP me to beat my child, is not from the heart of the parent)
I dont think its possible for a mother to dislike/neglect her kids from a current marriage because of the kids from a previous marriage, but hey what do I know?

Mindfulness:
Byvan03 and Ujoan,

you ladies are mean.

I think Raumdeuter's poetry was like awwww even though it only included standard equipment, we want more extras, luxury.

Raumdeuter,

come on now. The things involved should go without saying.

What about a fat bank account, a fleshy extra size willy, height, good looks ---> good genes --> beautiful children?

You think they are standard? How many people have come here expressing shock that their spouse expects them not to "chop" outside? Or that their spouse required them to make financial contribution towards the family or that their spouse was upset by a few slaps here and there? etc

There are many things on that list some people dont buy into

Some women believe their spouse would cheat once in a while as long as he comes home
Some men believe their wife dont need to contribute anything at home and dont have any reason to question their decisions
Some women and men believe a little slap here and there is not enough to be a deal breaker

So oits not standard as you think

raumdeuter:


You think they are standard? How many people have come here expressing shock that their spouse expects them not to "chop" outside? Or that their spouse required them to make financial contribution towards the family or that their spouse was upset by a few slaps here and there? etc

There are many things on that list some people dont buy into

Some women believe their spouse would cheat once in a while as long as he comes home
Some men believe their wife dont need to contribute anything at home and dont have any reason to question their decisions
Some women and men believe a little slap here and there is not enough to be a deal breaker

So oits not standard as you think

You are right!

I was joking anyway.

But the list was incomplete either way.

eyinjuege:


Nice to know what you're bringing to the table, but do you expect anything less from your future spouse?
Of course you equally expect fidelity, respect, no form of abuse and all the other things you wrote. That's what decent people bring to the table, man or woman.
Nothing in the OPs narrative has suggested she lacks any of these.
Saying bringing something to the table can be as vague as anything to be honest.
The OP is financially independent, and has been responsible for her child so she doesn't need a man to meet her financial needs. She lives on her own and pays her rent, so it's not about shelter.
Any man that wants to marry her should know she's not going to be a liability. Why ask her to leave her child for someone else to raise?
Is it because what those men are bringing to the table isn't more than just the promise of marriage?

She might not lack any of these but might seek to change it within marriage

WOmen who thinks their husband should be 100% financially responsible for the house were somehow paying their own rents beforemarriage so If you assumed that because someone was working and paying bills before marriage they would continue after marriage then you will be wrong in some cases

Same also men who expects their wives to be cooking and cleaning 100% of the time without them helping, you will ask that werent they doing those before married and assume they will continue, Then you will also be wrong

If a woman makes it clear that she intends to treat her child separately and would not submit the child to the same discipline and code of consuct in my house then he has to live elsewhere or we break up

If a relative is sendign a child to me and tells me The child obeying my dictates in my house is optional then that child will have to live elsewhere

Will you take any child not your biologically into your house when you have no say in the discipline and upbringing of such child?

5minsmadness, I want to call you out to pls state the venomous posts in her other thread that you're talking about. It seems you can't put forward your opinion without looking for who to denigrate. So instead of being slimy about it, quote the particular post you're referring that is responsible for her not having reconciled with her ex.

Is it my post that told her to take him for HIV screening before taking him back sexually (that's bad advice?).
Or is it tearose's who simply stated that the man behaved badly (someone can't say the truth anymore?)
Or is it efemena's or byvan's? I could go on and on.pls Who are those happily married women responsible for her not being with her man that you are indirectly talking about.

If I recall, there was a man on that thread who was even more vocal about it and suggested she doesn't go back to him. but as usual your obsession with 'married women' of this section won't let you see that.

I want you to quote the venomous post that is responsible for her being single right now.

Mindfulness:
You are right!
I was joking anyway.
But the list was incomplete either way.

Its a good template and a start so why will anyone take offence at that

Ok assuming I marry OP and start doing one of those she complains and I tell that I didnt know this was expected of me

If I bring the case to you, You probably will say, why didnt we talk about this before marriage?

And dont tell me its standard in a marriage because what marriage means to people are different

raumdeuter:


Its a good template and a start so why will anyone take offence at that

Ok assuming I marry OP and start doing one of those she complains and I tell that I didnt know this was expected of me

If I bring the case to you, You probably will say, why didnt we talk about this before marriage?

And dont tell me its standard in a marriage because what marriage means to people are different

Why so serious? I was only catching fun. Lighten up bro!

byvan03:
So you recite This like a poem or in prose form? Written or oral ? I wonder how it sounds to listen to someone reeling this out and the person is a suitor .

This is totally robotic, not human at all . Your senses of perception and assertiveness will guide much more than your scripted poem "am going to do this and that, am going to yadadh yadaheyadah blah blah". Even a robot won't have such a dry ,lack luster conversation.

I wonder why anyone will be relunctant to state what he or she brings to a relationship, Those who usually are defensive about it are people who dont bring anything tangible

Mindfulness:
Why so serious? I was only catching fun. Lighten up bro!

So do you agree that the question "What do you bring into this relationship"is a valid question?

urbanmsg:
I have following your comment,you see my son's father is a passive aggressive person. He will do something that will drive one mad but will never want to be involved in any can kind of confrontation or discussion concerning the issue,he likes keeping malice a lot. If I didn't love him I would have agreed to marry him and have waited all these years waiting for him only to find out he has been living with another woman to even having a child with her.

Ok.

eyinjuege:


Nice to know what you're bringing to the table, but do you expect anything less from your future spouse?
Of course you equally expect fidelity, respect, no form of abuse and all the other things you wrote. That's what decent people bring to the table, man or woman.
Nothing in the OPs narrative has suggested she lacks any of these.
Saying bringing something to the table can be as vague as anything to be honest.
The OP is financially independent, and has been responsible for her child so she doesn't need a man to meet her financial needs. She lives on her own and pays her rent, so it's not about shelter.
Any man that wants to marry her should know she's not going to be a liability. Why ask her to leave her child for someone else to raise?
Is it because what those men are bringing to the table isn't more than just the promise of marriage?

You have perfectly summarised what a lovely woman urbanmsg is. I think it all boils down to what some other posters were saying at the beginning. She needs to act more confident. She is a woman of high value and shouldn't hide it behind feelings of insecurity. People treat us the way we present ourselves.

cococandy:
5minsmadness, I want to call you out to pls state the venomous posts in her other thread that you're talking about. It seems you can't put forward your opinion without looking for who to denigrate. So instead of being slimy about it, quote the particular post you're referring that is responsible for her not having reconciled with her ex.

Is it my post that told her to take him for HIV sceeening before taking him back sexually (that's bad advice?).
Or is it tearose's who simply stated that the man behaved badly (someone can't say the truth anymore?)
Or is it efemena's or byvan's? I could go on and on.pls Who are those happily married women responsible for her not being with her man that you are indirectly talking about.

If I recall, there was a man on that thread who was even more vocal about it and suggested she doesn't go back to him. but as usual your obsession with 'married women' of this section won't let you see that.

I want you to quote the venomous post that is responsible for her being single right now.

No its not your post.


No i wont quote it. Bite me.

raumdeuter:


So do you agree that the question "What do you bring into this relationship"is a valid question?

It is a valid question but I wouldn't ask it. I am usually straight forward but I think it's ridiculous to ask someone you are dating such a question. You observe people and form your own opinion. You don't ask people to advertise for themselves. It's not something I would do. And someone asking me the question would be a turn off.

But why did this man ask the question, "what do you bring to the table." Urbanmsg, could you clarify?

Was it during or after dinner? Was it after he did your laundry? What would possess a man to ask this question outrightly? One doesn't need to ask most times, the answers should present themselves in the course of courtship. Why was he motivated to ask this question "out of nowhere?"

raumdeuter:


I wonder why anyone will be relunctant to state what he or she brings to a relationship, Those who usually are defensive about it are people who dont bring anything tangible

You mean the robotic question and answer section? These things are spoken about indirectly in the course of a relationship, seems you are a starter that took this popular NL line to heart. I don't believe you have posed that "what are you bringing to the table" line, recited your poem and got a yes. Revisit Ujoan's post.

cococandy:
5minsmadness, I want to call you out to pls state the venomous posts in her other thread that you're talking about. It seems you can't put forward your opinion without looking for who to denigrate. So instead of being slimy about it, quote the particular post you're referring that is responsible for her not having reconciled with her ex.

Is it my post that told her to take him for HIV screening before taking him back sexually (that's bad advice?).
Or is it tearose's who simply stated that the man behaved badly (someone can't say the truth anymore?)
Or is it efemena's or byvan's? I could go on and on.pls Who are those happily married women responsible for her not being with her man that you are indirectly talking about.

If I recall, there was a man on that thread who was even more vocal about it and suggested she doesn't go back to him. but as usual your obsession with 'married women' of this section won't let you see that.

I want you to quote the venomous post that is responsible for her being single right now.

The usual grasping at straws, nothing new.

5minsmadness:


No its not your post.


No i wont quote it. Bite me.

It's not mine. Then whose is it?

If you're not ready to bite it, don't smell it.

You managed to used that your one post to denigrate everyone who is a married woman that posted on that thread and you can't man up to point at who exactly you're referring to? Really?

I keep saying that anyone who has issues with a particular person should either always address them directly or ignore them (like I do). You don't make a sweeping accusation because want to hit a particular person (if that's your aim) and in the process insult everyone else who finds themselves in the vicinity.

So because of your post every married woman who posted on that thread is wondering if the readers are viewing them as home wreckers. Whereas the real culprit, the man who left his wife of few months (pregnant & alone) to start another family elsewhere doesn't get the deserved reproach. Instead you're somehow trying to make the women's faults.

Very funny.

Mindfulness:
It is a valid question but I wouldn't ask it. I am usually straight forward but I think it's ridiculous to ask someone you are dating such a question. You observe people and form your own opinion. You don't ask people to advertise for themselves. It's not something I would do. And someone asking me the question would be a turn off.

There was a reason he asked, If he knew the answers beforehand he wont have asked and if she took offence maybe they weren't meant to be

Observing and assuming in many cases has led to many misconception

Like I said earlier

"Women who thinks their husband should be 100% financially responsible for the house were somehow paying their own rents before marriage so If you assumed that because someone was working and paying bills before marriage they would continue after marriage then you will be wrong in some cases

Same also men who expects their wives to be cooking and cleaning 100% of the time without them helping, you will ask that werent they doing those before married and assume they will continue, Then you will also be wrong"

I observe you, You have a good job and are paying your bills so I assumed this would continue in marriage

You observe a guy, He doesn't his domestic duties by himself while single you assumed this would continue in marriage

How many times have these assumptions based on observation backfired?

byvan03:



The usual grasping at straws, nothing new.

obviously

[quote author=Timbuktou post=50285689]But why did this man ask the question, "what do you bring to the table." Urbanmsg, could you clarify?

Was it during or after dinner? Was it after he did your laundry? What would possess a man to ask this question outrightly? One doesn't need to ask most times, the answers should present themselves in the course of courtship. Why was he motivated to ask this question "out of nowhere?"[/quote
I am not dating this guy,just met him and he keeps inviting me to his church which I never went. We were only having a discussion and he was telling me that me he would love to date me and if it works out for marriage fine then he asks the question.

raumdeuter:


There was a reason he asked, If he knew the answers beforehand he wont have asked and if she took offence maybe they weren't meant to be

Observing and assuming in many cases has led to many misconception

Like I said earlier

"Women who thinks their husband should be 100% financially responsible for the house were somehow paying their own rents before marriage so If you assumed that because someone was working and paying bills before marriage they would continue after marriage then you will be wrong in some cases

Same also men who expects their wives to be cooking and cleaning 100% of the time without them helping, you will ask that werent they doing those before married and assume they will continue, Then you will also be wrong"

I observe you, You have a good job and are paying your bills so I assumed this would continue in marriage

You observe a guy, He doesn't his domestic duties by himself while single you assumed this would continue in marriage

How many times have these assumptions based on observation backfired?

If you think that the question will help you avoid any unexpected and unwanted outcomes, feel free to ask and hope that they will live up to what they promise because nobody changes after marriage.

cococandy:


It's not mine. Then whose is it?

If you're not ready to bite it, don't smell it.

You managed used your one post to denigrate everyone who is a married woman that posted on that thread and you can't man up to point at who exactly you're referring to? Really?

I keep saying that anyone who has issues with a particular person should either always address them directly or ignore them (like I do). You don't make a sweeping accusation because want to hit a particular person (if that's your aim) and in the process insult everyone else who finds themselves in the vicinity.

So because of your post every married woman who posted on that thread is wondering if the readers are viewing them as home wreckers. Whereas the real culprit, the man who left his wife of few months (pregnant & alone) and left to start another family elsewhere doesn't get the deserved reproach. Instead you're somehow trying to make the women's faults.

Very funny.

This!

byvan03:
You mean the robotic question and answer section? These things are spoken about indirectly in the course of a relationship, seems you are a starter that took this popular NL line to heart. I don't believe you have posed that "what are you bringing to the table" line, recited your poem and got a yes. Revisit Ujoan's post.

I have been asked and I have asked people and I got answers that satisfied me.

I dont know why anyone would be offended unless you are wary that you dont have the satisfactory answers

urbanmsg:
I am not dating this guy,just met him and he keeps inviting me to his church which I never went. We were only having a discussion and he was telling me that me he would love to date me and if it works out for marriage fine then he asks the question.

This is really strange. That seemed quite forward of him. Perhaps, he was trying to cut to the chase, albeit in the wrong way. That was too direct.