BEFORE I MARRIED MY WIFE, I PROMISED MYSELF I WASN’T GOING TO CHEAT ON MY SPOUSE. I FINALLY GOT MARRIED TO A GIRL I REALLY LOVED. WE’VE BEEN MARRIED NOW FOR 4 YEARS PLUS AND HAVE 3 LOVELY KIDS (2 BOYS; ONE GIRL).

WHEN WE NEWLY GOT MARRIED, WE USED TO have S.EX OFTEN: AT TIMES 2 TO 3 TIMES A DAY. WE WERE SO HAPPY & ENJOYED THE BLISS & EVERYTHING.

THE PROBLEM STARTED WHEN THE BABIES STARTED COMING. I DISCOVERED THAT MY WIFE’S SEXUAL DESIRE DROPPED SHARPLY—I MEAN SHARPLY. NOW, WE HAVE S.EX BARELY ONCE IN A WEEK OR 2 WEEKS. I TRIED TO COAX HER TO UNDERSTAND, BUT ‘HER SYSTEM CANNOT ADJUST’.  WHEN I ATTEMPT TO, IT IS EITHER HEADACHE, BODY PAIN, FATIGUES (SHE WORKS), SLEEP, OR SIMPLY NOT IN THE MOOD. BESIDES, I LOVE SUCKING & PLAYING WITH THE BREAS.TS MORE THAN ANYTHING. BUT SINCE THIS YEAR, I HAVE NOT TOUCHED IT MORE THAN ONCE. IT’S MOST PAINFUL. IT IS EITHER PAINING HER OR SETTING HER ON EDGE/TICKLING HER UNCOMFORTABLY.

THE PROBLEM NOW IS THAT I HAVE STARTED CHEATING ON HER TO FILL IN THE GAPS FOR ME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN A CASSINOVA AND DON’T ENJOY PHILANDERING. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EACH TIME I AM THROUGH WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, I FEEL SO GUILTY WITH A BATTERING CONSCIENCE. I’M NOT LIKE THE OTHER MEN OUT THERE. AT TIMES, I SOB WITHIN. THERE WAS A DAY SHE SAW I HAD TEARS DROPPING OFF MY EYES. WHEN SHE ASKED ME, I PARRIED THE ISSUE.  MEANWHILE, AFTER DOING IT, I STILL APPEAR THE INNOCENT MAN I USED TO BE BUT I FEEL SO GUILTY. I HATE MYSELF B/C I KNOW IT’S BAD PHYSICALLY/EMOTIONALLY/ PSYCHOLOGICALLY/ SPIRITUALLY.

IN FACT, ONE OF THE GIRLS NEARLY BLACKMAILED ME BUT GOD STILL SAVED ME FROM THAT.
RIGHT NOW, I FEEL BAD & ASHAMED ABOUT MY ESCAPADES.  I KNOW IT ALL STARTED WHEN OUR SE.X LIFE DROPPED DRASTICALLY, BUT THAT PROBABLY IS NOT AN EXCUSE. I WOULDN’T HAVE MINDED HAVING IT WITH HER 3 TO 4 TIMES A WEEK, BUT IT IS NOT WORKING.

WHILE I THINK OF OTHER MEASURES TO DELIVER MYSELF FROM THIS NONSENSE, PLEASE, I NEED YOUR CANDID ADVICE WITHOUT ABUSES AND CARICATURES:

- SHOULD I TELL HER THE HARM THIS ‘ABSTINENCE’ HAS BEEN CAUSING IN OUR MARRIAGE?
- WILL THIS ENCOURAGE HER TO CHANGE?
- OR WILL IT TEAR OUR MARRIAGE APART?

I AM WORRIED, B/C I STILL LOVE MY WIFE SO DEARLY, AND DON’T WANT MY INNOCENT KIDS TO FACE THE TRAUMA OF SEPARATION IF THE WORST COMES TO HAPPEN. I FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT THIS.

_{singing and staggering} hehehehehe dead body get accident, yeepa, double wahala for dead body and the owner of dead body

if you love your wife as you claim then go talk to her.
Cheating on her will never solve your predicament. Look for ways to get her interested and btw; r u a stay at home husband that wanna have sex 2 o 3 times daily?
be reasonable and work things out with her.

I understand wat u goin tru even though av nt bin in dis situation b4. my advice 4 u is 2 have a talk wit ur wife abt ur sex life.like y did she suddenly lost d sex appeal?dnt tel ha of ur mistakes. it can cause more harm dan gud. talk 2 ha bat how she fills abt sex especially after now d kids r around. i may b wrong but i belive it pays 2 listen

@Poster,
Sometimes we lie to the people we love, to save them from being hurt.
If you tell your wife, it'll break her and your family will never be the same again. I suggest you stop the cheating and make her understand what you're going thru. She'll understand. But you must patient. Not having enough sex is not an excuse to cheat. Cheating kills a marriage like cancer. Its just not acceptable. Put yourself in her position. If you were sick and your wife goes out humping from one bed to another, will you be happy? I guess not.

@Ssn,
Are you nuts?
Can't you go to the business section and post this sh*it? Whats ur problem?

please tell him, he keeps posting it all over

dont know his problems, pls go to the right section, ok

@poster
first of all let me say that unless you tell your wife EXACTLY what you are going through, she will never know and therefore she will never try to change for the better of your union.
also let me say that some women just sexually die like that and you have to adapt the best you can, if she is not willing/enjoying/or trying for some bedroom acrobatics then you should have all the rights to go and get your groove on elsewhere (after telling her of course).
why should you be sexually starved because she aint got the mood for it anymore?! take her to the doc if there is anything that can be done but it is her duties as a wife.

one last point, even if she decides to change, you will have to tell her what you have been doing.
you should have been honest from the get go, dont hide anything and tell her exactly how you feel and where this sex thingy is leading you.

as for the ashawos that tried to blackmail you, you only got lucky once, better that your wife hears this stuff from you than from some hoodrat.

Douchebag. Cheating on your wife. You have no respect for yourself, your family, or even your wife, because if you did you wouldn't have been so quick to throw your marriage away over some cheap hooker pussy.
Why don't you be a man and tell her how dirty you have been. Those whack ass crocodile tears didn't stop you from getting it on did they? Weak ass trifling old bitch. I don't feel sorry for you.

Sit down with her and draw out a timetable for sex . Let her tell you the level she can go for now,( either twice a week or whatever). Then two of u can come to a compromise on this. before u go bring HIV for the poor woman, when u die for HIV, u go go tell God all these stories? Be careful.

I suggest you talk your wife about your sexual life, it's not bad if both of you have a quite talk when the kids are asleep, make her see reasons you should have sex, it would be a big blow for your wife , when you tell her you've been cheating on her, due to the fact that your sexual life with her is collapsed.

The fault might be from you, maybe you've been selfish when having sex with her, when having sex with your wife, you aim at satisfying her in bed, and that way she'll definitely ASK FOR MORE .

Hmm!

<b>it amazes me how pple think confessing will make everything ok, its beta to change ur ways and talk to ur wife about the effects of not having sex re doing to u , not this foolish issue of confess, mind u no woman will entertain any wahala lik that and still give herself 100% to u, becareful, if u still want ur wife be like a cigar, suffer twice,,,someone biting its back and its front burning</b>

@ Poster, I believe Mudiwa is right! Sometimes confession never makes it right, rather it breaks up everything, For sure, some women's sexual desires and urge reduces seriously after childbirth ( truth is at times it stays that way), if in this case she is still struggling and managing to try and give in to u sexually (after u have confessed), what do u think will be going thru her mind each time u for one come in late, or she sees u smiling at the opposite sex?

Guy, just mend ur ways and talk to her! that way she can begin to manage her urge and u will help her do so. But confession, it might not turn out right, What u don't know, don't hurt!

yemstrad:

_{singing and staggering} hehehehehe dead body get accident, yeepa, double wahala for dead body and the owner of dead body

U R SUCH A FOWL YEMSTRAD, ;Dwots the singing for, can't you advice the poor man

[b]U R SUCH A FOWL YEMSTRAD LWKMD.d only tin tin i can say is how would u feel if she did or is doing same to u?u hv to LOOK 4 A TRUSTWORTHY PERSON U CAN TALK TO N WILL BE ACCOUNTABLE TO.n anytime u want to do it  JST IMAGINE UR WIFE WIT SM1 ELSE N CHECK UR REACTION.

this is nt the time to aportion blames. i like his courage by confessing, he has conscience, not all men will do excatly wht he did. he loves his family and wife thats why he is seeking for addice.
@poster. i advice you have a word with your wife, pls dont disclose to her ur past mistakes to save your marriage and family. ve a word with her, call her to order, to her that her attitude is seriously affecting your marriage.

no woman will like her husband to go out. wish you success in your marriage

@poster im asuming you are an adult and as an adult you should understand that in the beging of a relationship it is always "hot" lots of s.ex all the time and as the relationship ages the se.x becomes less frequent.  love is what is left after the se.x. like the saying goes "getting married so you can have se.x is like buying an airline so you can have peanuts (the little bags they used to hand out on flights)".  if you got married for se.x- you got married for the wrong reason.  telling your wife will not increase the ferequency of s.ex - it will cause a dry spell the length of which soley depends on you.  your wife may already know about or suspect your actions.  strong women can sit on this information for years waiting for the perfect time to expose it when you cannt deny it, women with poor self esteem/worth will sit on this info believing it thier "fault" because soo many men claim it is and this only further degrads thier self worth thus decreasing the desire for intimacy.  you were the one who screwed up, the one who chose to break his marriage vows, chose to disrespect his wife not only in private but in public as im sure at least one other person knows the act (friends, bell hop, driver, shop owner, waitress, whatever) you are sitting here worried about the consiquence to you - how selfish.  this has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her (if the roles were reversed then it would have to do with you).  you are putting your wife's life at risk because you want to act like a 16yr old child (std are real many incurable and not preventable with condom uses while condoms are not 100%, hell cervical cancer is caused by an std that has NO symptoms!)  you need to decide if you actualy love your wife or not.  if you love her then you will stop all your inapropriate behavior, sit her down and confess everything to her and answer every question she has for as long as she has them.  beg her forgivness. do not put the blame on her, she did not force you to do anything- you choose to end of story.  you will have to prove to her you can be trusted again and that can take a long time and alot of effort on your part.  remeber you are at fault the only way to fix it is to remeber no matter how bad any of this makes you feel if makes her feel worse.  you are supposed to feel like poo for your actions- you need to show her you were wrong and she is your world.  if you have no respect for her as a living being then by all means continue what your doing

@op,

It better not to tell her because she wouldnt forget and will hold grudges against no matter how she trys not to.

I will advice you stop extra-maritals affairs and focus on your marriage!

The first thing to do is stop the whoring. The next thing is you need to start talking to your wife about how you miss the intimacy in bed. She needs to know how important it is to you. If you can afford to get extra help around the house so that she has more time for the two of you that might also help. I don't think there is any excuse for what you did but I really think that if you stop and work through the issues it will be easier to tell your wife. She might hate you for a while but your love will hopefully bring her back to you

these kinds of threads on NL are usually "somehow" ie fake or manipulative.

But three kids in four years of marriage?

why didnt you space them since you like intimacy so much?

and since you didnt practice birth control, why not help out with the childcare, because if you were, you'd understand why your wife is always tired.

Quite obviously, you're not helping take care of those babies.

I dont really see you as the victim here.

And are you having unprotected sex outside, exposing yourself to STDs?

Don't tell her about the cheating - she'll likely never forgive you.

Put the women away, focus on your wife and work on redeveloping your intimacy with her. If she's stressed out, try to relieve her workload so she's more relaxed.

Making love 3 times a day with two/three young kids is not going to happen - there just isn't enough time in the day.

You need to manage your expectations as well as make her understand what you miss about how things were.

Tell her about it and watch everything unfold. She will found out sooner or later. Those expectations are rather high for a woman with young children. How can you expect her to make love to you 3-4times a day like you lot were a bunch of rabbits?? Beats me!

agathamari:

@poster im asuming you are an adult and as an adult you should understand that in the beging of a relationship it is always "hot" lots of s.ex all the time and as the relationship ages the se.x becomes less frequent.  love is what is left after the se.x. like the saying goes "getting married so you can have se.x is like buying an airline so you can have peanuts (the little bags they used to hand out on flights)".  if you got married for se.x- you got married for the wrong reason.  telling your wife will not increase the ferequency of s.ex - it will cause a dry spell the length of which soley depends on you.  your wife may already know about or suspect your actions.  strong women can sit on this information for years waiting for the perfect time to expose it when you cannt deny it, women with poor self esteem/worth will sit on this info believing it thier "fault" because soo many men claim it is and this only further degrads thier self worth thus decreasing the desire for intimacy.  you were the one who screwed up, the one who chose to break his marriage vows, chose to disrespect his wife not only in private but in public as im sure at least one other person knows the act (friends, bell hop, driver, shop owner, waitress, whatever) you are sitting here worried about the consiquence to you - how selfish.  this has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her (if the roles were reversed then it would have to do with you).  you are putting your wife's life at risk because you want to act like a 16yr old child (std are real many incurable and not preventable with condom uses while condoms are not 100%, hell cervical cancer is caused by an std that has NO symptoms!)  you need to decide if you actualy love your wife or not.  if you love her then you will stop all your inapropriate behavior, sit her down and confess everything to her and answer every question she has for as long as she has them.  beg her forgivness. do not put the blame on her, she did not force you to do anything- you choose to end of story.  you will have to prove to her you can be trusted again and that can take a long time and alot of effort on your part.  remeber you are at fault the only way to fix it is to remeber no matter how bad any of this makes you feel if makes her feel worse.  you are supposed to feel like poo for your actions- you need to show her you were wrong and she is your world.  if you have no respect for her as a living being then by all means continue what your doing

You sound like God & make me feel like one man already in hell. I knew all that & made it clear. I also said dt I didnt enjoy what i did, b/c I m nt like that.

But, there s somthing u guys dont really undstnd. For me, just like most men out there, s.ex is major stress reliever. I do NOT drink/smoke. When stressed up, I prefer 2 fall in2 her waiting arms. I made dt clear to her b4 we even started, & it really worked. My major worry is that s.ex dropped drastically 4rm the frequency when we started, to d appalling stage we are now. It breaks me in2 pieces.

chika98:

Tell her about it and watch everything unfold. She will found out sooner or later. Those expectations are rather high for a woman with young children. How can you expect her to make love to you 3-4times a day like you lot were a bunch of rabbits?? Beats me!

debosky:

Don't tell her about the cheating - she'll likely never forgive you.

Put the women away, focus on your wife and work on redeveloping your intimacy with her. If she's stressed out, try to relieve her workload so she's more relaxed.

Making love 3 times a day with two/three young kids is not going to happen - there just isn't enough time in the day.

You need to manage your expectations as well as make her understand what you miss about how things were.

@chika98 & debosky
I didnt say 3-4 times a day. I said a WEEK (see my post again). I will b silly 2 b asking 4 such now. I said dt i would be ok for only 3 - 4 x in a week. I mean dt s a lot of conceding (from 2 -3x a day). I'm nt even asking 4 daily s.ex. I'm also considerate & tot it made sense.

tpia.:

these kinds of threads on NL are usually "somehow" ie fake or manipulative.

But three kids in four years of marriage?
why didnt you space them since you like intimacy so much?

and since you didnt practice birth control, why not help out with the childcare, because if you were, you'd understand why your wife is always tired.

Quite obviously, you're not helping take care of those babies.

I dont really see you as the victim here.

And are you having unprotected intimacy outside, exposing yourself to STDs?

@tpia.
I wrote 4 yrs plus. And as I write now, it's already 5 yrs plus. There s nothing manipulative there. I also never mentioned unprotected s.ex.

About assisting in taking care of d babies, we have 2 hse helps & other relatives staying with us. I dont think hse chores is d issue.


Mind u, I have done every explanation & talking, but things have not changed. D only thing I ve NOT done is CONFESSION, which I m scared to do.

By the way, I met an old (female) friend of mine, who is also married with 2 kids. We really got talking & digressed into d marital s.ex issue. I was shocked to hear dt her hubby has nt touched her 4 d last 6 months. I WAS SHOCKED TO D MARROW! She is d one begging 4 it, & d man keeps saying "I'm tired, my work, my this." She of course accused her hubby of infidelity and felt there in no other reason for it. I dont know true that is. She was sobbing as she opened up. Initially, I couldn't talk b/c it was strange (VERY STRANGE) to me. I eventually opened up, and she too was shocked. I felt for her. I sounds like a fable, or Movie Magic stories, but this happend just a few days ago.

I tot abt telling my wife this story as a motivation, but after a second tot, felt she might begin to think I have something to do with d innocent (VERY INNOCENT) lady.

Is this world fair at all? Honestly NOT fair. Not fair an inch.

The truth of this matter here is that you will CHEAT, CHEAT and continue to. If your sexual urge is that strong and your wife's has gone that bad u will have no choice than to cheat just be careful while at it.
I know lots of ppl will call me all sort of names now because truth is bitter and lots of pretenders here. Talking to married women about this does not result in any improvement, once they dont have that urge they dont u cant really do much about it. This is one of the main reasons men even pastors, immams or whoever cheats.

As for the one crying on your shoulder she is not likely to be saying the truth and pls dont go for her. you are an adult so know where to tread but he truth is with the way you guys are you will cheat and again JUST BE CAREFUL. This has been since the biggining of the world and can never end so spare me those pretence, even Eve had intimacy with Satan and that was where it all started.

and dont make the mistake of confessing it wont change her rigid body but will destroy her love for you, fact.

wakagirl:

The truth of this matter here is that you will CHEAT, CHEAT and continue to. If your sexual urge is that strong and your wife's has gone that bad u will have no choice than to cheat just be careful while at it.
I know lots of ppl will call me all sort of names now because truth is bitter and lots of pretenders here. Talking to married women about this does not result in any improvement, once they dont have that urge they dont u cant really do much about it. This is one of the main reasons men even pastors, immams or whoever cheats.

As for the one crying on your shoulder she is not likely to be saying the truth and pls dont go for her. you are an adult so know where to tread but he truth is with the way you guys are you will cheat and again JUST BE CAREFUL. This has been since the biggining of the world and can never end so spare me those pretence, even Eve had intimacy with Satan and that was where it all started.

Thank so much 4 d encouragement. I only wandered if u re married. Most single girls tend to think they will always satisfy their man when married; but when they get married, the case changes - with reference to many comments in NL & what pple say. Mayb u re single, dts y ur advice is better.

On the married lady story. We were class mates & very close. That never crossed my mind. In fact, I started d topic; she was very hesitant initially. Again she s married. I m really nt a bad person; it s just dt circumstance. Really.

I dont agree with the Eve thing. It was only apple; i think so.

Poster. . .
Your essay is too long for me to read.

@poster, if u tell her, it might end your marriage.
If u don't tell her, she might hear it from sum1 else
N dat na wahala ohh.
If it were me, I'll prefer to hear it from my hubby than from sum1 else.
Either way, I'll hate it/u - Adultery!

Obviously, she has a problem, u shud b there 4 her n support her,
not u sleeping around n saying na u cos am. Wot if it were d other
way around? U go like? Hope u used a c*ndom every time? Cos sum men
sleep around n bring HIV home to their faithful wives. Abeg oh!

D bible says don't commit adultery, dats exactly wot u did -  u committed ADULTERY!

As 4 talking to her about d s*x thingy btw d 2 of u which hasn't worked or
changed a tin, I advise u both go c a doc/therapist. Good luck

Apart from the glaring issue of lack of sex in your marriage, which is vital to keep any union going, there is also lack in communication. The day she caught you with tears in your eyes was the day you had the chance to pour out your heart to her (leaving out the small fact that you have been cheating on her). Few questions to ask you:


Since that episode she caught you in tears, did she swallow your "plausible get-out" story hook, line and sinker or has she made further enquiries probing you further?

With regards to her general demeanor, is it only when it comes to s.ex that she becomes cool and aloof?

What is she like around the children?

Has her attitude to them changed?

Does she make a fuss over you and the kids in general or does she snap at you all for no reason?

You mentioned you have househelps etc, but how is the state of your house?

Does she take pride in her home or does she act unbothered and leaves the househelps to their own device?

Would you know if she has any hang-ups about her body and feels unsexy and inadequate?

Could she be suffering from post natal depression?

Could she be clinically depressed?

Sorry for meandering with my a thousand and one question, but i am just trying to get to the bottom of her change in attitude to s.ex, which was never a problem before and probably deduce if the issues you are facing in your matrimonial home is not restricted to just s.ex.

Here's a couple of suggestion i was able to come up with:


Firstly, Without hearing your wife's side of the story, it is not possible to decipher whether her intention to accept your offer of marriage was done out of love, but there is no denying the fact that you love your wife and worship the ground she walks on, so it would not be preposterous for you to "simulate" that moment your wife caught you in tears once more, be natural, utilise this moment to ask her to table out your shortcomings as a man, your failure as her husband, how you have failed her, what you could do to right any wrong you could have done her . . . ask her if this is the reason she is no longer in love with you and is neglecting you. . .


If she genuinely loves you, she will open up to you sooner or later and make amends to save her marriage.

Whilst waiting for her to respond, think back to the way things used to be when you were still dating, what you both enjoyed doing, think back to what made her tick, her likes and interest, how you both spent quality times together looking out for each other and making each other happy . . . and try and see if you can recreate these moments.


Whether she has responded or not, leave the kids at home with your relatives, whisk her out to somewhere nice and romantic like a restaurant, reminisce about the good times you used to have, don't try to control your emotion, let the tears flow if they want to again, ask her again about your sins and how to resolve it. Go over the reason she was the special one you chose to spend the rest of your life with and make it clear to her that you can't go on without her and your beautiful kids, that they all are the reason for your being.


After your date, don't go straight home, find another spot that is more secluded like a lake or a beach, break down all over again and plead with her, don't subconsciously hate her for forcing you to stoop so low as to cheat on her, but instead channel your guilt into your emotion, whatever you do, don't tell her because she will never forgive you FOR LIFE . . .


Keep this up for as long as you can bear and hopefully things would change for the better. Don't forget to also explore the medical angle as to whether she could be depressed. Wish you all the best in your matrimonial home.