Hmmmmmm! Inhales . I never thought in my wildest imagination a day like this would come. But here I am, a young married workaholic, whose plans and reasons for working hard is not as he thought it would be. Any way I thank God for what I have and where I am today. Did I just say God? Well never mind.

It is often said every saint has a past and every sinner a future. Welcome to my life.

Ok. Its good and nice.

Just a normal day. I have been home since morning , work free day it is, I am suppose to be happy with her. God knows I love her like a fool would.
I can do anything , I mean any thing both legal and illegal as long as it's not dirty and if dirty it must be worth it to take care of my family.
I am a pastor to those who knew my past and to those who are just meeting the changed me, I am a devil with a young smiling innocent face.
To some, I am an angel who could never hurt a fly, to others I am a young hardworking ambitious man , a role model to my friends who actually respect my person. Even though I know they gossip alot about me, but I am one person you will always need around you.
If you are excreting in my presence, there would be no need to be shy, cos while you are thinking about me fantasizing about your unclothedness, I am busy thinking of possible ways to make money from your excreta whether legally or not who cares ? As long as no gets hurt , I am satisfied. No wonder majority believe I am an igbo man. Cos my mentality when it comes to making money is apt to that of an a business minded igboman.
I am a wasting brain to my Yahoo friend cos I am never consistent. I can teach and help them figure out how to break a bank online, move cash , get clients, hack into email accounts, fix their system both hardware and software but would never do same for my personal gain. Maybe because I lack the patience or I simply don't believe in it. My % or consultancy fee is okay. And don't fucki.n.g think because I did it for you today would mean I will do it again. Perhaps I just needed the money to fix some stuffs at that moment. So to them I am also unreliable cos you never know when my yes means no and my no, yes.

I wasn't a cultist back in school, and I am still none now, but I was a street boy behind the scene who knew what was happening but that wasn't my business so I never cared about it.
My business was lectures, business , a little bit of women and beer. I love sex I tell no lie bro. I love to make love. I don't duck for the sake of fucking, I make love cos it is suppose to be sweaty, nasty , naughty , filled with sweaty cums, pleasure moaning and memories that would last a life time.

I am also a foodie, I love to cook, try out new stuffs, don't cook new meal or take me to a crazy African restaurant, I will woo a waiter just to get the recipe and let Google do the rest . I believe there are two basic rules in life, ask for it and when not giving, steal it.

I also think it is stupid to steal a man's physical stuff like chattels . Nope! It's an abuse of the word "stealing".

There is nothing more expensive in this world than information ( knowledge). The sabificate of doing a thing.

The difference between you and another who is more successful than you , is the information and the sabificate of what to do with the information. Always be ahead bro. It will cost you nothing to learn a little about everything.

Steal knowledge,that is the difference between you and your follow man. If you have the knowledge and you are ready to develop what you have with humility, the information on how to make money from your knowledge will chase you pants down.

Whether legally or illegally who cares ! As long as I am not stealing your physical possession I don't care.

I don't snitch , if you do you die young . Still wonder why I was able to graduate without being a cultist?

Well simple. I made friends with all the cult heads who were Yahoo guys. I could fix their system and not steal from them or tell their secret to another . It goes to the grave.

They could trust me and when the Don or a Lord (*an elder ) is my padi man, I safe na.

I was never present in school more than necessary, it was all about making my next 100 or 500k, so who had time for bullshit when I was after the bulls eyes.

I could easily photocopy note and read for my exams. I never blocked or sorted any lecturer , if was a vow I made and I don't break my vow. A vow or an oath is no joke.

I never had complete note all through my 5years stay in school but I never failed any course either. How it happened i still don't know. I only attended lectures when I could and while in class I was running shows with my phone.

Perhaps God just decided to be merciful upon his disloyal son.

Have I soiled my hands with blood ? Well I haven't , itg%s too dirty to do . Why kill when you can enter their head like a virus, take charge of the mind psychologically and mess it up.It is not nice to kill.

I am pro life , a typical example of "God let my enemies live long to see me make it beyond their widest imagination but before then , lemme infect their mind like virus and turn their evil desire against them while their good and great plans , comes to me.

Good morning dear dairy. Hope you had a nice night. Mine was some how cool.I said an honest prayer this morning even though I didn't finish it.
I made a choice yesterday to be good and cool to my self. To be focus on that which will make my family proud of me.

I choose to forgive everybody this day and try to forget what ever grudge I hold against anybody.

Its few days to my birth month .I don't clebbrate birthdays , I have never had a meaningful celebration outside locking myself indoors.

It has always reminded me of so much I have left to accomplis, in the little time I have left. I still have nohing less than 80years to live, but I feel I am not moving fast enough in life, perhaps because I started early.

Birrthdays have always reminded me of how closer I am to the grave and how my local govt still don't even know , much more Nigeria and the world. How do I connect the dots? I don't know but this year I am choosing a different approach to life.

I just kinda realised I am the most ungrateful man on the face of planet earth considering my circumstances of my birth and how far God has brought me. It reminds me of a line in one of tupac's song " I was born not to make it but I did". So in line with my decision to start denovo, I went to cut my hair, removed everything( I barber gorimakpa). Lol .

I have also resolved in my heart to love my wife no matter what. Just be there for her but also be honest with my self , if it's not working, I will quietly file for a dissolution of the marriage. I can't kill my self.

I want a spontaneous, competitive, loving but yet submissive woman. She used to inspire me that why I married her. She gave her 9years in support of my dream and I ought to be paying her back now but since we got married and I gave her one year break to relax before she starts work or resume school, I don't understand her no more. The woman I used to know has disappeared.

What do I want from her? My LovePeddler in bed cos I have got this high libido and I don't want to cheat on her anymore. A chef in the kitchen, getting recipies online and making some bad.ass meal, i never expected. Trying some new stuffs together during weekends in the kitchen cos it gives me joy to cook for her and help her clean. She is my help meet not my slave. So I shouldn't slave her, I should at all times help her out whenever I can and not leave her to overwork her self when I am busy doing nothing.

Also, I want a partner in crime and a buddy cos I sedomnly make friends and it's even worse with my neighbors. I don't enter their apartment except it is extrmely necessary and they don't enter mine too. I don't have time for gossip and little talks , I feel it promotes hatred and conflicts. So this is my best way of dealing with it. I don't even know their names and don't even recognise everybody that lives in the multi aprtmant building.

Luckily for me we share that in common. So I always ensure there is fuel at home, at least one of the two generators are in perfect condition and subscription is active to keep her busy. Also , I always ensure there is data on her phone , so she can have access to the world.

I am the Wild type so I don't see anything wrong in young couples clubbing expecially when they don't have kids yet. We could club this week, do movies indoor the other week, go for pizza or go see football together while having wine or beer the next and maybe cap it up with going to the beach or cinema.

Of course, as a businessman, everything is about negotiations. She will tell me what she also wants and I will adjust to ensure she is happy to. She loves eating new meals, so as often as I can, I go online to source for new recipes or border my female friends to teach me a new meal, so I can cook for her.

Also, I see nothing wrong with her being a little bit naughty with me, we could have sex in the living room, bathroom, car, kitchen, hotel lobby, cinemas, club toilet, etc as long as we both like it and don't get caught. It just kinda spices up the marriage.

I want her to be part of this area of my life, she will help me moderate it to ensure I don't go overrboard , get tempted to over drink and squander cash , while also having fun. Soon the kids will come, and we won't have this freedom but while we await our kids , let's have the best of fun there is, on a low budget.

Well if she won't join me, I won't mind a side chick ( no sex) relationship who is just out to have fun too. Cos I intend to have all the fun I can, before the kids come cos once they come , I have to work thrice as I do now, to give them the best of the very best money can afford and also watch em grow. I wanna be there in every aspect of their life, cos I so much live kids.

Well I think it's time to go. Talk to you later.
***the essence of this dairyid for criticism, I am not perfect, I want a happy home, I wanna stop doing some stuffs I know isn't good for my marriage but at the same time, I wanna know if I am actually performing responsibly to my task as a husband or is there a better way to do this?

Interesting read.

Trust me, the last thing you need is a side chic as that will only complicate things for you when you least expect.

Dear diary, today is a good day. Imagine for the first time since our marriage, I came home without knowing what my wife will cook.
We had a talk yesterday evening, it was more or less quarrel like.
She didn't cook for Easter. She only made soup and stew on Friday , boiled rice and that was the end.
I didn't sleep home on Friday,

gbolahanoluyemi:
Married to an Adulterer?
How can the law help you?
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The law provides remedies for victims of extra marital affairs
In recent times, allegations of adultery by public personalities have occupied the social media. This no doubt changed the fact that many married persons are married to adulterous spouses. While some are aware of this fact, many are ignorant of the situation. This publication considers adultery under the Matrimonial Causes Act, how it is proved and the remedy available to a spouse who has been a victim of adultery.

The Court of Appeal in IBEABUCHI v. IBEABUCHI reported as (2016) LPELR-41268(CA) defined Adultery as consensual intercourse between two persons of opposite sexes, at least one of whom is married to a person other than the one with whom the intercourse is had, and since the celebration of the marriage.

Establishing adultery in a court of law is not as easy as it is in the cultural system. In law seeing your spouse hanging out with an opposite sex on a date with nothing more may not amount to sufficient proof of adultery. To successfully establish adultery, there must be sexual intercourse and the sexual intercourse must be voluntary and at least one of the parties must be married. Rape does not amount to adultery.

Adultery is one of the grounds permitted by law for the dissolution of marriages provided the adultery has not been condoned by the spouse. Adultery is difficult to be proved, judging by the fact that adulterers usually exercise extreme secrecy during the act. The law however allows it to be proved by inference from circumstances where it cannot be proved by direct evidence.

Proving adultery is not as easy as alleging adultery, the co-adulterer must be joined in the petition, under Islamic law, an allegation of adultery leveled against a woman must be proved by the testimonies of four unimpeachable Muslims who must have seen the adulterous act. However, in the secular court which applies the Matrimonial Causes Act, direct evidence which is very rare can be given, adultery can also be proved by circumstantial evidence that could be in various forms e.g. If the victim can prove that the spouse had contacted a sexually transmitted disease from a third party during the marriage, this will give rise to a presumption of adultery; If the victim proves that the spouse visits a brothel with an opposite sex, it will be presumed that such a spouse has committed adultery; confessions of spouse; birth of a child outside wedlock etc.

The law is that, a party to a marriage whether husband or wife may, in a petition for a decree of dissolution of the marriage alleging that the other party to the marriage has committed adultery with a person claim damages from that person who has committed adultery with his/her spouse. You can sue your husband's girlfriend and get damages, likewise husbands can get damages from their wives' boyfriends.


The purpose of the damages for adultery are not to compensate for the loss which the victim has suffered, even though the Court may consider matters such as damage done to the victim by the blow to his/her honour, the hurt to his/her family life and injury to his/her feelings, the court may give directives with regards the manner in which the damages awarded shall be paid or applied and may, if the circumstances warrant, direct that the damages be settled for the benefit of the victim or the children of the marriage.

It must be noted that, the Court will not grant damages in respect of an act of adultery committed more than three years before the date of the petition. To learn more or ask questions about marriages, divorce and the law, please send us an email via lawcandles@gmail.com or olivesandcandles@yahoo.com


Engaging in adultery cost us religious benefits and can also make us pay huge sums in damages. So when next you receive a proposal from a married person, think twice or better still, confide in a lawyer.

extracted from https://www.smore.com/scgxr

Me think this has no business being here, pls I would appreciate if you take it down . Thanks.

Dear diary. I can't sleep. I should be sleeping , but I can't. Once again, I feel I have disappointed her. What's wrong with me ? I don't know.
Now it is obvious I am the problem not her. I make all financial decisions without consulting her, I make in fact almost all decisions.
Now, I am badly burnt . Who would save me from this? I have never had reasons to beg, should I hide my pride and beg for the money in other to her to save my marriage and my job?

I was stupid and self centred... Now if I get affected by this, it's gonna rub on her young innocent , unsuspecting nature. Did I bring her to Lagos to suffer?

Well I had some money in my possession which wasn't mine, spent part of it anticipatorily and the cash I was anticipating to pay back with didn't show up and now I have to pay that money first thing Monday morning as soon as my boss arrives office which is just a few hours from now. I needed to settle the boys to avoid some blood shed. I don't want to be part of this life no more, I am tired and I need a way out.Now that I have found one, I won't waste time thinking whether to stay or leave.

Preacher said God gives wealth without sorrow or me doing dirty jobs.

I have not exactly being at my best performance at work lately. Series of thought has been running through my mind on what to do. I am very rich at this moment, rent is due in June, wifey needs some money and if I lose my job , it will be terrible. I will have to revert fully to my dirty job as chief's master planner. Did God give me brain to think only evil stuffs?

How did I get here? God has been faithful despite my unfaithfulness . My wife has been faithful and supportive but have I been too wild and demanding?


As it stands now, do I have the honest right to demand for what I felt was due to me from her?. Do all families go through this at one point or another?

How do I get out of this situation? Do I need to sell some of my stuffs I don't need now?

I have been thinking of selling some of the gold stuffs I bought for her of late without her knowledge. And replace them back within the month as soon as I get some funds.

I am expecting funds, it's something big, but till then, how do I solve this?

Well , they say you are what you attract and it is what you give that comes back to you. That's I realised in service yesterday. For the first time , I genuinely made it out to the alter to repent of all my sins.

No more time out with the boys/men, no more marijuana acting as chief's right hand man has stopped . Told him I gave my life to Christ today and he laughed . Thinking like in the previous times , I will be back begging within 24-48 hrs.

Drinking is gone too and if I must , it must be with my wife or with the consent of my wife. No more bad married friends because gradually I am begining to live a life that is not mine. I am begining to live an undisciplined life where anything goes. And I know too well , a life where anything goes, gets you no where.

All the time, I thought the problem was her, but the problem has been me. Who would bail me from this looming monumental embarrassment that might also cause me my job.

I am begining to see why people chose to end it all , commit sucide than face a life where there there is nothing left of their integrity.

Believe me, I have thought of this in the last 4 hours, but seeing her sleep so peacefully and innocently pricked my heart, I couldnt do it.

But is my life really that cheap that I could end it for an amount I spend on frivolous stuffs during good times.

How did I get to this point in my life? My greastest fear has being to fail her, and now I am about to fail her by losing my job and the only viable source of income we have at the moment.

Do I take a loan to pay off? I hate loans, they give me sleepless nights especially when they are to settle liabilities I caused due to my stupidity.

Yes! I have been egoestically stupid. By dear God have mercy on me. I have not being faithful to you and I know. I know the step i took yesterday was not the first time I will be doing it.

Sometimes, I am in church and the preacher seems to be talking to me directly and I repent of my sins only to go back when things get better.

But this time , Daddy mi , I think it's different. I have always known there is no life outside Christ, but believe me , I am genuine this time. I am tired, I am worn out. I have had my fair share of the world, and I think before I get to a point of no return , I better return for the sake of my mum and my wife.

But leaving the street would mean they might come after me, but who cares ?

They often say in church to live and die in Christ is gain, but live without Christ is death while still existing. I am tired of existing, I am been doing that for more than a decade now and the money I make from those dirty deals has gotten me no where exactly.

Why don't I try your end and see for my self I have always asked. Okay yesterday, I didn't go out of the house even though I was supposed to close a deal that would take me out of this mess, I chose not to cos I want to keep my promise to you to change my ways.

Yesterday was the first time in a long while I didn't smoke , drink or hang out with my crew. I decided to put her first after You of course.

She was so happy to have me around her , I could see her acting like a baby jumping up and down and around the house. It was fun. She didn't have to call to know if I will be coming home on Monday morning as usual.

Seen her this happy made me felt guilty for all the time I have abandoned her in the name of husstling for dirty money which burns faster than you can imagine. No wonder binus brothers never go far in life.

If my being around her brings her joy, I should dedicate my time to her. After all I begged her to marry me not the other way round.

She has always being a sweet innocent girl while I have been there.

We dated for more than 6 years, and I can tell you how many she caught me butt naked screwing another lady and she stayed.

She met me when I had nothing, still roaming the streets with my slippers and she has packaged my life up to this point. How do I fail her now?

I can't call chairman or eve for money they will gladly oblige me but that means I will be going back to my puke. I can't do that.

I feel like using blunt right now, but the new me can't take it , it always means betraying God and the promise I made never to go back to my past.

I must cherish this second chance. Some persons never got it. I lost a dear friend last week to the cold kiss of death. I guess he never saw it coming , but it came. I loved him bro. He respected my husstle, I drank some vodka to him and burnt some skunk till I passed out while playing tupac .

It could have been me. How would have felt? She would have gone back to her state to start all over again?

I am from a somewhat broken home right now, and my mum does not really like her cos she feel she married her husband and gossip mate.

Women and their jealousy. It's few hours to the judgment and I still don't know who to ask for cash or what to do. I still have like 40k to complete this cash should I empty every where I have physical cash at the moment .

I said a prayer in a long while this morning, needed to have talk with my Dad. I felt a bit relieved after praying. The crave for weed has reduced, it means I can do 90days without smoking starting from today.

It takes the brain 90days to rewire, I need to rewire my brain.

I need to focus more on her, be honest with her and to this end, I must tell her what i did.I can't , it will ruin her for life. It will destroy our home. It's my cross lemme carry it.

My number job is to ensure my marriage does not go the way of my parents. I need to be a good example to my younger ones, they are already taking after my street life. They still think it's enjoyment. They have not seen the dirty shit underneath. I hope I pull them out before they see it.

Dear diary , if an Angel does exist on earth like I have been taught, I think now is the time for me to believe one will advice me on how to solve this or at least help me get a loan to save myself without going back to chairman.cos all fingers keeps pointing in his direction.

Dear God you said I could come to you anytime I am pamplexed and heavy. Ps don't forsake me. I don't wanna live her alone in this world, even if it is to happen anyway , let her have good memories of me and not all the hurt I have caused her. Pls help me. Amen.

Dear diary, reading through what I wrote hereon. I have seen too many errors to believe I wrote them.
I use to be very bright , I never failed any class. Till date, I still hold that record in my family.

Well , I believe I have stopped reading what matters. I am not gonna back and fix em, it's a waste of time. I am forging ahead. My duty is to ensure I have less errors and blunders, as I progress.

For the first time in a long while, I attended mid-week service and believe me when I say this, it was fun. I am a student of knowledge, I hunger and thirst after knowledge . But have I seeked knowledge deligently ? Your guess is as good as mine. I have never done that bro.

One of those times i gave my life to Christ some years back, I can't remember exactly when cos I have done that alter call stuff more than a dozen time. If they take cognisance of that fact, perhaps they stop attending to me each time I stand up. Well God is a merciful God. I was told faith cometh by hearing the word of God consistently. Again Dr. Kenneth Copeland said the same thing during of the tapes I had the underserved opportunity of listening to during the week, it never left my heart .

The sincere friend I lost was buried yesterday, I didn't go . Saw the pics on Facebook and I was sad.Well such is life. Shit happens but life goes on.
He is got a wife and a son. May God comfort em. They don't really know me, cos she ain't street. Like I do my family, he kept them off the street and gave his all to protect them and eventually his life.

Bro! Hope you is in thug mansion sipping heavenly hennessey and puffing some herbs. I played you a song by our mutual friend tupac and also wrote you a poem. Life goes on bro. You ain't forgotten, I tattooed your name in my heart so it will never fade. Memories doest fade with time. But that which is tattooed in permanent ink is hardly eraseable. You are for ever on my heart. If you see tupac, tell him I always play his song "dear mama" each I think and pray for my momma. She deserves the very best.

Also tell him, I always hold my side incase I cockroach try to delete me, I delete em without remorse. Also tell him I m trying to set my priorities right, I got a family now, and my wife like you know is a church woman, she fights me on her knees. Such a bad ass lady.
But tell him this and believe me when I say it, I m loyal to the game. But I am trying to do that with the bible n a crucifix. No longer a biro and some groundout. Old things are passed away I suppose.

I smoked some weed and drank some more to erase the pain in my heart. My wife caught me smoking weed. Couldn't hide it, she caught me off guard.

Well, she knew I use to do that shit but stopped. I thought she was gonna bring down hell. She acted sarcastically for a while then we got cool. She is certainly gonna raise it again some day. But for now , perhaps she knew I have been going through pressure of late . Well, don't wanna share that with her. She thinks I still have some money stashed somewhere, she ain't wrong, I have the money but not physical cash I spend, but raw ideals that will bring me sure wealth.

For the first time in a long while, I woke to read the bible. It's been a really long time I read the bible and said some sincere words of prayer.

I am trying my best to be a change man, but my best ain't good enough . I need to put in more work. I have never lived upright in my life. I have been terrible. Forgivness was once a sin for me and I use to believe only God had the power to forgive not I.

I need to bury my head in books . Just discovered I haven't done that in a while. You know , if you don't read , you will stink.

Daniel was able to excel in life cos he studied hard " and I Daniel learnt by books" and Jesus knew what to do cos He had the knowledge.

Jesus learnt through books too. Remember when He was been tempted?
All His answers began with the same phrase, it is written ...
No wonder He was able to scale through.

I just realised I always fell for temptation cos I knew not what to do , so any which way was a way. And the truth is this " a life where anything goes, gets you no where".

Today i have resolved to get my act together and study l am writting an exam.

Of all vices, I haven't slept with another woman since I gave my life to Christ last Sunday. But the Sunday before? I had an orgy with a friend. But that is that. My j.t can't direct my life no more. Yes I have high libido and I need to keep it in check, or it will check my life.

I ate the books of Hebrew 2, Titus 2 , 1 John 2 and 2nd John.
I learnt a lot from it, I forgive all i hold in my heart and I let them go.

Temptations would come and its very normal but you'll be committing a sin when you fall for it. I pray from the depth of my heart that God will help you and see you through.
I'm really loving your diary. Please don't stop

Dear Diary, a lot has been on my mind lately . Too many things to talk about. I should discuss with my wife you advice. But she can't handle the truth.
So I can't tell here my fears and worries . She is got hers too. Lemme not border her.

Yesterday, after I had gone to smoke my usual herbs, we had a chat. It kinda occurred to me that we ain't happy like we use to do. I am worried cos I think it's because I no longer bring in more money like i use to.

My mother has been on her case lately. She believes she is the reason there is this distance between us and I nor longer spoil her with gifts like i use to. She allowed the devil use her during my wedding. I took it personal with her, after a while I realised it ain't worth it and just decided to let it slide.

She does not even border to ask how I am getting acquinted with marriage life, provide and take care of my family. We don't feed her news on what's been happening since we got married. What happens between us stays with us. Strictly a no 3rd party affair. That's one of the reasons I am here. To learn , if I am making mistakes , from the experience of others.


She feels we have it all and my wife has blindfolded me from taking care of her. I was so mad when I heard she was going about telling who cared to listen that my wife has turned her son against her. I am not calling her to discuss any thing with her. Neither will I take her calls. As far as I am concerned , the mother son relationship closeness is gone. I am not her husband , she has a husband . I 've got a wife now and my family comes first. Will I bamboozle her with gifts?.yes I intend to. Just she will get everything through my wife and equally use that very mouth she used to spoil her to those who cared to listen , to also sing her praises.

She is always in my heart cos I love her like mad. I wear her like a sleeve . But I also treat her Bleep up too. I come hard on her with my favourite suspension whenver she offends me. She won't be able to reach me. We might not communicate and or chat in a year . If she has a message and it's important, she should drop a message and I will get it.

I have always been a listening ear but I can't be her husband . She should go make peace with her husband and reunite us into one happy family rather than trying to play the victim and making us believe our father is the devil.

I have had enough of it. Put your family together or let him marry another wife and leave his life. She should also understand that I am trying to live right. I got responsibilities now. I nor longer earn street cash. I now try my best to earn legit cash.I was actually good at helping people clean their dirty cash and invest same. Close ally of Tony Montana. A devils advocate. I still wonder why my head is always filled with a million ways to commit crime and get away free as long as it does not involve taking a life.

I have learnt this in life, rather than always complain, show love, get to know what's happening in other people's live. Don't set a precedent of always calling to make demands. They will soon get to know your antics and stop taking you serious.

Tomorrow is my birthday, May day. . I have never celebrated a birthday at least not any that I can remember. It will be nice to take my wife out and have some nice meal and enjoy the moment later today.

But I am still thinking of how to carve a budget for it. Again , a part of my wanna stick to my original plan of smoking my brain out and having devil on ice. ( raw vodka soaked with sk on ice till I pass out).

I have never really liked birthdays, too many stupid memories I wanna forget , plus it reminds me of what I am yet to achieve in life.

The last 365 days of my life has been a miracle. Too many blessings ( blessings too numerous to mention) , stupid decisions, uncalculated risk,etc. I came close to death on few occasions. But here I am , still breathing.

Kinda reminds me of a line from tupac's hell razor, " ...I got shut five times but I am still breathing , that is to show there is a God , if you need a reason".

Till my last birthday,I have always been unhappy on important days i should be celebrating. Too many sad memories at Xmas, Easter, birthdays and even on my marriage day.

Why is my case always different. My parents didn't give us gift during our wedding , not even prayers as parents jointly on that day. Who does that? That's my life I didn't create my self, my Creator knows why. I just scared if I fall back to my past life, I will go to the extreme, that I might not get a second chance at making peace with God.

I have never had a birthday gift . And I believe the two most important dates in a man's life should be his birthday and his wedding day.

Well, I wear it as a sleeve. I have never been loved and that won't start now.

Well it's another day to smile and make whoopie. ( at least fake it) Well, we all have certain areas of our life we cry about just that we don t cry in public.
If I can't celebrate my birthday like others, I should at least be reminded once more that I am a year closer to my grave.

blackie01:
Dear Diary, a lot has been on my mind lately . Too many things to talk about. I should discuss with my wife you advice. But she can't handle the truth.
So I can't tell here my fears and worries . She is got hers too. Lemme not border her.

Yesterday, after I had gone to smoke my usual herbs, we had a chat. It kinda occurred to me that we ain't happy like we use to do. I am worried cos I think it's because I no longer bring in more money like i use to.

My mother has been on her case lately. She believes she is the reason there is this distance between us and I nor longer spoil her with gifts like i use to. She allowed the devil use her during my wedding. I took it personal with her, after a while I realised it ain't worth it and just decided to let it slide.

She does not even border to ask how I am getting acquinted with marriage life, provide and take care of my family. We don't feed her news on what's been happening since we got married. What happens between us stays with us. Strictly a no 3rd party affair. That's one of the reasons I am here. To learn , if I am making mistakes , from the experience of others.


She feels we have it all and my wife has blindfolded me from taking care of her. I was so mad when I heard she was going about telling who cared to listen that my wife has turned her son against her. I am not calling her to discuss any thing with her. Neither will I take her calls. As far as I am concerned , the mother son relationship closeness is gone. I am not her husband , she has a husband . I 've got a wife now and my family comes first. Will I bamboozle her with gifts?.yes I intend to. Just she will get everything through my wife and equally use that very mouth she used to spoil her to those who cared to listen , to also sing her praises.

She is always in my heart cos I love her like mad. I wear her like a sleeve . But I also treat her Bleep up too. I come hard on her with my favourite suspension whenver she offends me. She won't be able to reach me. We might not communicate and or chat in a year . If she has a message and it's important, she should drop a message and I will get it.

I have always been a listening ear but I can't be her husband . She should go make peace with her husband and reunite us into one happy family rather than trying to play the victim and making us believe our father is the devil.

I have had enough of it. Put your family together or let him marry another wife and leave his life. She should also understand that I am trying to live right. I got responsibilities now. I nor longer earn street cash. I now try my best to earn legit cash.I was actually good at helping people clean their dirty cash and invest same. Close ally of Tony Montana. A devils advocate. I still wonder why my head is always filled with a million ways to commit crime and get away free as long as it does not involve taking a life.

I have learnt this in life, rather than always complain, show love, get to know what's happening in other people's live. Don't set a precedent of always calling to make demands. They will soon get to know your antics and stop taking you serious.

Tomorrow is my birthday, May day. . I have never celebrated a birthday at least not any that I can remember. It will be nice to take my wife out and have some nice meal and enjoy the moment later today.

But I am still thinking of how to carve a budget for it. Again , a part of my wanna stick to my original plan of smoking my brain out and having devil on ice. ( raw vodka soaked with sk on ice till I pass out).

I have never really liked birthdays, too many stupid memories I wanna forget , plus it reminds me of what I am yet to achieve in life.

The last 365 days of my life has been a miracle. Too many blessings ( blessings too numerous to mention) , stupid decisions, uncalculated risk,etc. I came close to death on few occasions. But here I am , still breathing.

Kinda reminds me of a line from tupac's hell razor, " ...I got shut five times but I am still breathing , that is to show there is a God , if you need a reason".

Till my last birthday,I have always been unhappy on important days i should be celebrating. Too many sad memories at Xmas, Easter, birthdays and even on my marriage day.

Why is my case always different. My parents didn't give us gift during our wedding , not even prayers as parents jointly on that day. Who does that? That's my life I didn't create my self, my Creator knows why. I just scared if I fall back to my past life, I will go to the extreme, that I might not get a second chance at making peace with God.

I have never had a birthday gift . And I believe the two most important dates in a man's life should be his birthday and his wedding day.

Well, I wear it as a sleeve. I have never been loved and that won't start now.

Well it's another day to smile and make whoopie. ( at least fake it) Well, we all have certain areas of our life we cry about just that we don t cry in public.
If I can't celebrate my birthday like others, I should at least be reminded once more that I am a year closer to my grave.

Nice dairy. happy birthday.

blackie01:
Dear diary, reading through what I wrote hereon. I have seen too many errors to believe I wrote them.
I use to be very bright , I never failed any class. Till date, I still hold that record in my family.

Well , I believe I have stopped reading what matters. I am not gonna back and fix em, it's a waste of time. I am forging ahead. My duty is to ensure I have less errors and blunders, as I progress.

For the first time in a long while, I attended mid-week service and believe me when I say this, it was fun. I am a student of knowledge, I hunger and thirst after knowledge . But have I seeked knowledge deligently ? Your guess is as good as mine. I have never done that bro.

One of those times i gave my life to Christ some years back, I can't remember exactly when cos I have done that alter call stuff more than a dozen time. If they take cognisance of that fact, perhaps they stop attending to me each time I stand up. Well God is a merciful God. I was told faith cometh by hearing the word of God consistently. Again Dr. Kenneth Copeland said the same thing during of the tapes I had the underserved opportunity of listening to during the week, it never left my heart .

The sincere friend I lost was buried yesterday, I didn't go . Saw the pics on Facebook and I was sad.Well such is life. Shit happens but life goes on.
He is got a wife and a son. May God comfort em. They don't really know me, cos she ain't street. Like I do my family, he kept them off the street and gave his all to protect them and eventually his life.

Bro! Hope you is in thug mansion sipping heavenly hennessey and puffing some herbs. I played you a song by our mutual friend tupac and also wrote you a poem. Life goes on bro. You ain't forgotten, I tattooed your name in my heart so it will never fade. Memories doest fade with time. But that which is tattooed in permanent ink is hardly eraseable. You are for ever on my heart. If you see tupac, tell him I always play his song "dear mama" each I think and pray for my momma. She deserves the very best.

Also tell him, I always hold my side incase I cockroach try to delete me, I delete em without remorse. Also tell him I m trying to set my priorities right, I got a family now, and my wife like you know is a church woman, she fights me on her knees. Such a bad ass lady.
But tell him this and believe me when I say it, I m loyal to the game. But I am trying to do that with the bible n a crucifix. No longer a biro and some groundout. Old things are passed away I suppose.

I smoked some weed and drank some more to erase the pain in my heart. My wife caught me smoking weed. Couldn't hide it, she caught me off guard.

Well, she knew I use to do that shit but stopped. I thought she was gonna bring down hell. She acted sarcastically for a while then we got cool. She is certainly gonna raise it again some day. But for now , perhaps she knew I have been going through pressure of late . Well, don't wanna share that with her. She thinks I still have some money stashed somewhere, she ain't wrong, I have the money but not physical cash I spend, but raw ideals that will bring me sure wealth.

For the first time in a long while, I woke to read the bible. It's been a really long time I read the bible and said some sincere words of prayer.

I am trying my best to be a change man, but my best ain't good enough . I need to put in more work. I have never lived upright in my life. I have been terrible. Forgivness was once a sin for me and I use to believe only God had the power to forgive not I.

I need to bury my head in books . Just discovered I haven't done that in a while. You know , if you don't read , you will stink.

Daniel was able to excel in life cos he studied hard " and I Daniel learnt by books" and Jesus knew what to do cos He had the knowledge.

Jesus learnt through books too. Remember when He was been tempted?
All His answers began with the same phrase, it is written ...
No wonder He was able to scale through.

I just realised I always fell for temptation cos I knew not what to do , so any which way was a way. And the truth is this " a life where anything goes, gets you no where".

Today i have resolved to get my act together and study l am writting an exam.

Of all vices, I haven't slept with another woman since I gave my life to Christ last Sunday. But the Sunday before? I had an orgy with a friend. But that is that. My j.t can't direct my life no more. Yes I have high libido and I need to keep it in check, or it will check my life.

I ate the books of Hebrew 2, Titus 2 , 1 John 2 and 2nd John.
I learnt a lot from it, I forgive all i hold in my heart and I let them go.

Had the same issue with keeping grudges after I got really hurt. Sometimes I just switch between full blown Hitler antagonism and Sometimes pure baby like love. Today I jx woke up to feel deep pain over some past hurt,I masked it up with anger which I in turned masked with hardocre rap...I ended not going to church. Felt bad. But by 11 30 I felt like I cud feel d pain d person was going thru and why they acted d way dey did. By the way I'm less of street, stern looks ,but i Keep my heart on my sleeves.
Il pull through this with God's help. God loves you, he loves me and my only worry is me missing out on the plan he has for me. Trust me he has one for you too and its awesome. Your wife they way you described her is an asset. Pray for her too

.

blackie01:
Dear Diary, a lot has been on my mind lately . Too many things to talk about. I should discuss with my wife you advice. But she can't handle the truth.
So I can't tell here my fears and worries . She is got hers too. Lemme not border her.

Yesterday, after I had gone to smoke my usual herbs, we had a chat. It kinda occurred to me that we ain't happy like we use to do. I am worried cos I think it's because I no longer bring in more money like i use to.

My mother has been on her case lately. She believes she is the reason there is this distance between us and I nor longer spoil her with gifts like i use to. She allowed the devil use her during my wedding. I took it personal with her, after a while I realised it ain't worth it and just decided to let it slide.

She does not even border to ask how I am getting acquinted with marriage life, provide and take care of my family. We don't feed her news on what's been happening since we got married. What happens between us stays with us. Strictly a no 3rd party affair. That's one of the reasons I am here. To learn , if I am making mistakes , from the experience of others.


She feels we have it all and my wife has blindfolded me from taking care of her. I was so mad when I heard she was going about telling who cared to listen that my wife has turned her son against her. I am not calling her to discuss any thing with her. Neither will I take her calls. As far as I am concerned , the mother son relationship closeness is gone. I am not her husband , she has a husband . I 've got a wife now and my family comes first. Will I bamboozle her with gifts?.yes I intend to. Just she will get everything through my wife and equally use that very mouth she used to spoil her to those who cared to listen , to also sing her praises.

She is always in my heart cos I love her like mad. I wear her like a sleeve . But I also treat her Bleep up too. I come hard on her with my favourite suspension whenver she offends me. She won't be able to reach me. We might not communicate and or chat in a year . If she has a message and it's important, she should drop a message and I will get it.

I have always been a listening ear but I can't be her husband . She should go make peace with her husband and reunite us into one happy family rather than trying to play the victim and making us believe our father is the devil.

I have had enough of it. Put your family together or let him marry another wife and leave his life. She should also understand that I am trying to live right. I got responsibilities now. I nor longer earn street cash. I now try my best to earn legit cash.I was actually good at helping people clean their dirty cash and invest same. Close ally of Tony Montana. A devils advocate. I still wonder why my head is always filled with a million ways to commit crime and get away free as long as it does not involve taking a life.

I have learnt this in life, rather than always complain, show love, get to know what's happening in other people's live. Don't set a precedent of always calling to make demands. They will soon get to know your antics and stop taking you serious.

Tomorrow is my birthday, May day. . I have never celebrated a birthday at least not any that I can remember. It will be nice to take my wife out and have some nice meal and enjoy the moment later today.

But I am still thinking of how to carve a budget for it. Again , a part of my wanna stick to my original plan of smoking my brain out and having devil on ice. ( raw vodka soaked with sk on ice till I pass out).

I have never really liked birthdays, too many stupid memories I wanna forget , plus it reminds me of what I am yet to achieve in life.

The last 365 days of my life has been a miracle. Too many blessings ( blessings too numerous to mention) , stupid decisions, uncalculated risk,etc. I came close to death on few occasions. But here I am , still breathing.

Kinda reminds me of a line from tupac's hell razor, " ...I got shut five times but I am still breathing , that is to show there is a God , if you need a reason".

Till my last birthday,I have always been unhappy on important days i should be celebrating. Too many sad memories at Xmas, Easter, birthdays and even on my marriage day.

Why is my case always different. My parents didn't give us gift during our wedding , not even prayers as parents jointly on that day. Who does that? That's my life I didn't create my self, my Creator knows why. I just scared if I fall back to my past life, I will go to the extreme, that I might not get a second chance at making peace with God.

I have never had a birthday gift . And I believe the two most important dates in a man's life should be his birthday and his wedding day.

Well, I wear it as a sleeve. I have never been loved and that won't start now.

Well it's another day to smile and make whoopie. ( at least fake it) Well, we all have certain areas of our life we cry about just that we don t cry in public.
If I can't celebrate my birthday like others, I should at least be reminded once more that I am a year closer to my grave.

Whoops! Broh, gimme your head and I'll make $1 equal to N1 in 6 weeks. I love your writing. The metaphors, the switch and hook. Damn! You could make a hardcore writer and aswear down, your book will make Nigerian revive their reading culture. One love bro.

We all have our stories. Av many times thought of what it will feel like smoking some tough herbs with iced up Vodka like brothers do. I don't smoke, I don't drink, & is forking as meek as a lamb. I hate me that. I want the bad guy Bugzie kinda guy in I guess Good Fellas. You cut across to me from your painted portrait like the Leonardo Caprio's act in the movie Wall Street.

Dig your feet deep down bro on your new lane. It ain't gonn be easy but with determination and God on your side, yes you can. Hearty cheers to your jewel, every man needs one; a good one.

Even as a lady,i learnt a lesson frm your diary... as a wife,u shld always love your man and be his peace cos he has battles you dnt knw of. I love your diary,even glued to it...pls dnt stop. THE LORD IS YOUR STRENGHT.

Bros you get demons oo. Cheating on your wife and you wondered why she changed. Live by this principle do unto others what you wished then do to you. Smoking, drinking, adultery etc. But you're very honest, intelligent and sincere guy. Please look for The Apostolic Faith church anywhere and attend. It will really help you gain victory over your struggles. I am speaking from experience and utmost good faith. May God bless you with Peace, stability and Joy, Amen.

Dear diary, my head is now clear. I attended church last Sunday and I enjoyed the service . I enjoyed the first service though incame in late.

My faith is now getting stronger, the drinking and smoking is still there, but the womanizing is gone . My home once more is happy and I am still not satisfied.

I have come to the understanding that I will need to build again, and building takes time and discipline. I still have time to build again. I have been working on an ideal but I don't have a sample of the kind of business proposal I wanna write. Well I will keep searching for a complex business proposal for a cumulative 10 years plan, broken into two segment, 0-4 ( building period) 5-10 ( expansion and massive production period.
There is high prospect.

Lately I have a lot thing I wanna do with money, and though sometimes I am kinda sad I can't do them but again I have her and that keeps me going.

She deserves the very best and I have been thinking should the offer on the table to join my friends in their internet fraud stuff.

At least that's not as bad as the formal, you have an option to relocate to south Africa, all expenses paid or Abuja with a free apartment and a car. Hmmmmm! It's kinda juicy right? But hear the crazy side , with me on board, the church could make 100million naira every month and I could start earning about 20million naira a month.

Mouth watering right? A part of me feels I should take the offer , raise me some money to start some cool business and have her manage them?

But then, I know my guys, there is always a catch and an opportunity for me to get back to what I am running from. This subtle voice in my head asks me heart pricking questions at time. Sometimes I just wanna yank it off but at other times we reason issues together.

I believe it's the good spirit of my new found salvation if I am allowed to use that word. It's kinda new but soon I will get use to it. I never believed I could be this nice, but here we are.

I have been very rich again of late, I try not to owe debts. I have had offers for a new job, but I am seriously thinking if I should leave this job. I have time I have come to realize will help me build my business, but no money to finance the dream. And my present salary can't carry the family . So what do I do? We can't keep living from one pay check to another, I need to find solution quick and fast.
I am trying to apply for a part time job or some funds for my business while I keep this job . But again who will really understand my dreams ?

It is always too daring to risk, but should you be patient you will enjoy the flow. I love risks, it makes it fun.

I am also investing in books too, like I said earlier I will start reading like I am the dullest person in the world. I will try but first I should settle my family.

Well , I am yet to decide what exactly to do with the offer from my friends. I don't wanna be a fraudster , once I start, I won't stop. It won't stop, we won't get caught, but many families will suffer and many companies will go under. Is that what I really want?

That pricking voice has been asking me questions and I am trying to be rationale. I still have this faith that this is a passing phase unto greater things should I endure a bit.

Well I will just smoke it out while waiting for it to take care of themselves. But again, I I get a job with a better pay, I will be able to cater for my family and relatives, but this freedom to plan business won't be there.

Well , if I get an offer henceforth , I will have to take it , perhaps to keep my self off scam and if God decides to favour me, maybe some supply business or I win a lottery.

Life is one big road with lots of Signs. So when you are riding throgh the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake up and Live.

This was how I woke up this morning. Singing praises to the Most High.
I have got a 1000 and 1 problem, but it's not gonna weigh me down. What I have lost so far was giving the me by the Lord. He can always give more. I will learn to hope and trust in God.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

He said " I will make a way for you in the wilderness , and the rocks shall for your sake gosh out water. The revens shall feed you, the works of they hand shall I bless. I will multiple you and your seeds shall be good. You will not fall or suffer shame. Reproach will be far from your habitation. You shall eat the good of the land and even your enemies shall come to the Lord for thy sake".

These were the promises I heard this morning. I am hopefully, I don't need to commit no crime to succeed in life no more.
The riches of the heart , rest of the soul and satisfaction, are way better than riches of the world.

Well ! With this in mind, I am satisfied . Even when I don't have money in my pocket , I am not poor , broke, nor pennyless. I am by far the wealthiest man on earth , cos I have got God who has all earth, and He has got me through his Son Jesus who became poor for my sake and dashed me all his wealth. So if I am joint heir with Christ , that means , I 've got an inheritance in God's estate.All I need do is demand for it .
But God is not dead and will never die. so how do I get my inheritance ?
While I figure that out, I also feel I should start claiming my fair share as a son of God.

I know I am not perfect yet, and I know change is not automatic, i have to work out my own salvation. You know! discipline my self and ensure I don't make errors, gradually minimise the errors and work towards the perfect man Jesus.

But then again, my Sonship in God entitles me to be wealthy or at least comfortable whether I m perfect or not as long as I genuinely work towards it.

I will fall in this new race, He already knows this, but he expects me to geniuely put in my effects and rise each time I fall.

Dear God, I am loving this new relationship with you, help me to keep at it forever, let me hate sin, quit alcohol and smoking ciggerettes which i have made tremedious progress at stopping cos I now go days and weeks without B/S.

Since I started this journey, I haven't slept with another woman, in fact I was offered recently, thank You cos You have me the strength to turn it down.

If I have in any ever be ungrateful , bless forgive me. Help me, You is all I have got. Man can't do this except you.

Bless my friends, enemies and allies. May they return home today blessed. Those looking for job, grant them one. The Times are hard, but with you nothing is impossible, that's what I have come to realize. Help me with a group that will have time to preach your word to others. I can't go alone but I desire to sincerely part take of this operation push my church is presently at. I need to push for the Lord. Help me tell others about You.

Give me an unquichable addiction to soul winning. Pls don't take away my herbs , except it's not good for me. If it's totally dangerous or inimical to my new found faith, please by all means take it away.

Thank you Jesus, my lady made some non alcoholic local drink, this will serve as prefect replacement for the alcohol.

Just some little more request, please , I know I don't deserve this, it's not meant for me but if for nothing sake, but because your blood now runs in me.

Just help not to tell a lie today. I owe persons some financial obligations, I squandered the money so I don't deserve to be pitied.
Just help me not to lie and also , give them patience to truely understand and bear with me . I know they must have made plans for the money and are hopeful they will get it today.

Dear God, I will be disappointing them today if I can't raise it, because right now I have no clue how to, get out of this without telling a lie. Just help me not to lie. I made the mess, I don't know if it is proper to ask You to help me fix it, but in all , I know you can help not to lie.

For all the fake lives I have lived, I am sorry. I hand my self and my family to you, do with us as it pleases you.

Bless our Prophet and his house hold, bless everyone that has been supportive and those that has picked one or two stuff from my errors.

Help them not to make same.

Dear God, many are going through challenges or hell on earth called flexing outside you. Please help them realize that is not life. Open their eyes like you did mine. Help them not to run from you anymore. Arrest their hearts if need be. Just do anything you can to better their life and ensure they don't end up in hell.

Just bless our Country and help heal our land.

Amen.

Amazing!

Keep it up bro!

History is lined with tales of men who through blood and sweat fought and overcame their demons!
One love

.

The pics below was how I woke up this morning. I have now realized why I need to focus and change lanes.
Probably switch friends. I just play along with the few I have got, but I know they no longer wants me. They gossip about me and make subtle comment aimed at mocking me when I am in their company.
Yesterday was no different, I had nothing doing , tired of reading and decided to hang out with friends before I get my wife pregnant. I am getting tired of smoking weed to numb the pain I feel.
Mixed emotions, I don't know what to do with them. I am hopeful things will change, to change em, I need to get down to work. But where do I start from ?
Hmmmmm they know my financial status, but rather than help as I would them , they chose to stand afar and mock. Who cares certainly not me.
I must confess I almost cried myself to sleep last night, I couldn't do much, simply had whiskey and weed went straight to bed. It's a miracle I am awake this morning.
I finally oopened up to my wife so she understands what I have been going through. I felt bad doing that cos she now makes subtle jokes about me being rich . I know it's a joke, but it's painful.

Should I wear it like an armour as suggested by Tyrone Lanister and stay on my lane minding my business like Jon Snow.

Serving God pays but people make it difficult by judging you instead of showing love and helping you remain focus in your race.

Some will say you are filled with demons that needs deliverance hence I should go to their church. Even when I chose to tell my worries anonymously to my online dairy , I still get judged. I haven't even gone into gory details of my past but still I get judgments everywhere even among friends who were once only there for the money.
It used to be alcohol , weed and booty calls which I once tort was the fun of life. Now that the tables have changed , all I have is my self, my family and my God.

Even the devil knows bible in and out and can quote from genesis to revelation to accomplish his mission.
I can even deliver a sermon wherein the entire congregation will give their life to Christ but I know deep within me , I used to be a demon and technically I am still one trying to hard to let go of my past and focus on my future with the past having a hold on me.

They say poverty, jealousy and discouragement are the two most potent tools on the devils armoury. Believe that is the absolute truth.

I will fight this as long as I can ,so help me God. But I doing this , I don't think it would use to stay weak.

Pains and pay back should be my willing tools. But this little voice in me thinks it's wrong.

But I think otherwise, I need to show some persons I might have changed, but don't forget who I once was. Street never forgets.

I have been thirsty of late. I know it's one of those temptations. I will pass and won't do it. I have been having this indescribable thirst for blood. I wanna drink human blood.

I have never done it, not while I was in the world , while now?
I won't take what I can't give, so I am going to church on Sunday to take the usual blood I know.

The on that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Well, I going to smoke some weed , cos I try not remember this. I should channel my energy into something better and see how it goes.

The weed no longer numbs the pain, but I keep moving on.

.

Being married and remaining married is one simple stuff but yet difficult.
Sometimes I see people celebrating 25years , 50years in marriage and I wonder how they do it.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is an amazing woman, God sent to me but I think it's either I am losing it, she is losing it or we are losing it.

How do married people survive this thing called marriage? Well only time will tell for me.

Things are better now oooo. I am still lazy but I am gradually making good decisions that are good for me and my family and the first thing I believe I have do is to change job.

I have not even started applying, but since I have made up my mind, getting a job won't be difficult.

She was part of the reason I remained here, so that I can spend time with her, plan my personal business and also have time for my self. But I think I am becoming unpardonably lazy for my liking..

Again, we are still young in marriage, less than 24months, she is not pregnant and our sex life is already in shambles. I thought staying at home to keep her company when I am less busy in the office or staying back at home to do some jobs in other to spend time with her was a great ideal.

That's why I remained here even though the pay wasn't good enough and was putting an extra stress in my pocket since she is not working at the moment..

Getting her a job with her SSCE certificate has been difficult, so I have decided she should start her own business while I help her with ideals on how to market them on the internet. She started last week, made two dress and they looked good on her.

Well!.if she decides to take her working out.serious, she could be a very great model. Albeit her own model since she is in the fashion industry and she is doing well for herself .

I have now discovered she is not catching up as I had planned despite spending time with her and engaging her in discussions to broaden her thinking capacity.

I wish she will see what I am seeing, she will wake up and push me to succeed. Perhaps what I really need is a push to get more serious and stop wasting away.

Let me tell you about my job. I work for a start up I.T firm, we are 4 in the firm and we have the flexibility to work from anywhere and since we are result oriented we don't really care much about the 8-5 rules except there is an urgent work to be done and we are under serious pressure to meet deadline.

I have been kinda confused lately. I have an ideal I have been working on since I let.go of my past life and tried changing my ways.
The funds stopped coming from those sources cos I no longer attend to them. All I have is my present job and I have been on half salary of 50k monthly since February.
Well! this salary does not take me home, so I try to cater for my family by doing some private jobs and any legal stuff I can find..
Writting business proposals, remoting fixing clients system and those old clients who still don't mind sending their laptops to.me despite the distance to fix.

My job has no sercurity whatsoever, it's like a freelance job though my boss is now trying to set ground rules likes coming to the office everyday and staying till at least 3pm before leaving.

The major reason I stayed back was because I needed to spend time with my wife let's make babies which is not happening at the moment cos the sex life just went back to Being boring after a sharp rise from boring to enjoyment and now back to boring. Well!.I don't wanna keep asking for sex at the time. She is human , she should also ask and do the chasing , make I make small yanga too. Also, I don't think I am a patient person, and I easily get bored with routine. I love varieties and if you can't change it as in the case with marriage, spice it up continuously.
At least , until this moment, I use to stay back at home so that I can cook for you or assist you, clean, see a movie with you, discuss , etc. Since staying at home can be quiet boring. Guess this point is not working so I have to cancel it and I just did.

Another reason was to enable me plan and start my own firm which has been registered . But the major challenge is that I don't have funds to finance projects and business ideals at the moment , as the funds I presently have cannot even take care of my bills, much more running a firm.
So I am thinking, if it's better I take a regular employment for a while,get more comfort for my family and invest in my dream, especially that of my wife which is sending her to one of the best fashion school in Lagos , getting her a car and establishing her while also taking care of our parents. Sibling and my grand mum most especially.
Finally, some private jobs do come in though not regularly , that requires me to travel outside my current location and taking a full time job will mean I either have to schedulethose jobs for weekend and travel Friday night to return Sunday night or Monday morning to.resume work. Zero family time and also rejecting jobs that won't fit into my plans.
I think I should take the regular job. And so I have started sending out applications and I know I will be leaving this job soon even though my boss will have my head on a spike cos he has built the office around me as I presently handle more than 60% of all the jobs in the office. He has sacrificed alot for me in the past.
He gave me a lot of cash when things were good, until things went bad and now things seems to be getting better but I don't think he can pay what will adequately cater for my family. He still believes I have my side income earning and I am not depending on the peanut he is paying to ick a living. This position was currect at the time we could still club around Lagos and smoke weed together.
He knows this has not being happening of late cos I have lost those side earnings which he does not want to understand.
Do you honestly think I should stay?.Please advice .

This morning I woke up to make love to my wife, I love to spice up things you know and since it was quiet cold and the heater was off, I went to the ice maker to get some ice , so I could tease her more during pre-intimacy.
She just jumped off the bed and went to the other room to sleep. I didn't border going with her, I allowed her. We have not had sex for weeks. I don't want sex, I want to make love. I want to tease her with ice, eat her up with ice and syrup , give her a bathe, I hate the regular climb and come down when done.
Also, I am tired of having sex in the bed alone. We 've got a big apartment and we are not using it. No craziness in our sex life just too routine. She will never ask for sex and she makes me feel I am the problem. I have sat her down to talk about it but bro! I am tired until she comes after me, I will close that chapter and focus my energy on something better and if I can't take it no more, I look for a sex mate or a side chick to do my thing.
I am tired of this stuff. I can not come and kill myself because I am married or trying to please my wife. I have resolved to enjoy self when and how I can, if I have the extra cash and when I don't, I keep my self. I am not going to jump from one woman to another, but I just going to seek a relationship either a side chick or fwb, that won't stress me. While she enjoys her life too.
I will always be available when she needs me and if my job permits. But never again will I starve my self of a good,hot, sweaty love making cos she is not ready to see things my way.
She has recently developed a habit of tying her mantle round her waist to bed every night, cos she believes that will assist in getting her pregnant or in fact make her pregnant. But what I don't seem to understand is can that happen without a good sex life? I can't argue this with her. When it comes to spiritual matter, I don't decide for nobody. Do what ever works for you within the ambit of Christianity.
Well! Let her keep doing her thing while I do mine. I am not even bordered because my rent is due, I have not raised the funds and should channel my energy into sourcing the funds and having a great sex life within or outside my marriage.
After all, if my enemy drops dead today, she will only mourn for a short while and as it is with humans, she will move on with her life.

So my decision is to raise funds, make her comfortable and perhaps when my family comes after her, she will learn to spice things up.
To all young married couples, am I making sense? Kindly drop a comment on areas you think I need to work on. Thanks.

If I die today, what becomes of everything. Does death really end everything?
I have been thinking about it. But there is one truth, at the end of the day, we are all alone.
We are built to survive alone. Nobody cares. Not your parents , not your wife, kids, siblings, pastor, no even your shadow gives a fuc.k a about you cos he is usually the first to leave you when you are dead.
I am going to keep this diary, cos it's the only thing that will truely tell or if you like , give a detailed account of my sojourn through this hell hole called life.
I am tired, I wanna end it all at times but I still see my mama's face and her smile.
I haven't spoken to her in a while. All women are good pretenders. They all live to play the victim. Making us look like a fool. Well ! does it really matter? I don't think so.

The only that keeps me going is the fact that I smoke weed every evening to keep my sanity and maybe send me to dream land and for those few hours I don't feel lonely.
I am tired of talking, shouting and correcting. So I won't say a word no more.
We are strangers now I suppose. No more intimacy, it's canceled in the interim.
I have always thought marriage will cure this loneliness but right now, I am even more lonlier than when I was still single.

For reasons I don't know, the feeling of loneliness has been there since I was 10 or so. I have always had this feelings no body cared about me or concerned themselves about my feelings and existence.
I have been successful at masking the fact that I need love but all I have felt is hate.
Hate for my parents, friends, school teachers and now my wife who use to be my closest friend.

Dear diary, I will rather die than go back to my old self. I won't do that and I can't go back to me.
Sometimes God forgets about us, and I think he has forsaken me. So what am I living for?

They often say a life without Christ is a life of crises and I suppose that's where I am at the moment. Perhaps death changes things as winter changes trees.

Will death make me happier than burying my head in work? I haven't been there, so I don't know but I hope to find out soon.

Did you notice that when you are gone, people just tend to share a few crocodile tears and move on with their lives? I know I will get buried at the Bush when I am done but I don't want this. I want to be burnt ( cremated) and my ashes scattered with the wind.

Death seems to be far when you need her warm embrace. I wish my heart will just stop pumping blood and that will be it.

I have stopped taking pills , it no works for me. All I think of is slitting my wrist in a hotel bathroom and be gone before I am found. But that seems cowardly. I can't go out like a coward.

I can't put a bullet to my head or drink poison. It's too cheap. I wanna go out gallantly. I wish I was in the north east, I would have been useful at the war front.

They say those guys are hard to defeat because they are always prepared to die, well for those who are ready to go out in fashion, going after them won't be a bad ideal. It would be a honour pulling that trigger once more for a good cause.

I was lied to when I was told my sins are forgiving and I was gonna make heaven. Truth is , there is no heaven for the likes of us.
The best we can get is thug mansion sipping heavenly hennessey and smoking some weed over there with the likes of fela, tu Pac and co.

Last night some persons went out in fashion in the hands of terrorist in Spain. I was silently wishing I was there.

I feel so empty and worthless. My parents don't even know if I exist. Well, the only time they do is to ask for money.

I will be strong. I can't pour my heart out here any more, it only entertains you to read about my sorry state and move on to something else.

Till death comes, I gotta make some money to cover my funeral. I don't want Nobody spending them money at my funeral. All expenses will be taking care while I still breath, I think I should leave some money for my wife and mum.

Especially my wife so she can relocate and set up some business and make money for herself since that is the only thing she is good at.

In the interim, if you see death, tell her I looked for her last night but didn't see her. I hope she comes while I still need her. Good bye for now.

Salute!

blackie01:
If I die today, what becomes of everything. Does death really end everything?
I have been thinking about it. But there is one truth, at the end of the day, we are all alone.
We are built to survive alone. Nobody cares. Not your parents , not your wife, kids, siblings, pastor, no even your shadow gives a fuc.k a about you cos he is usually the first to leave you when you are dead.
I am going to keep this diary, cos it's the only thing that will truely tell or if you like , give a detailed account of my sojourn through this hell hole called life.
I am tired, I wanna end it all at times but I still see my mama's face and her smile.
I haven't spoken to her in a while. All women are good pretenders. They all live to play the victim. Making us look like a fool. Well ! does it really matter? I don't think so.

The only that keeps me going is the fact that I smoke weed every evening to keep my sanity and maybe send me to dream land and for those few hours I don't feel lonely.
I am tired of talking, shouting and correcting. So I won't say a word no more.
We are strangers now I suppose. No more intimacy, it's canceled in the interim.
I have always thought marriage will cure this loneliness but right now, I am even more lonlier than when I was still single.

For reasons I don't know, the feeling of loneliness has been there since I was 10 or so. I have always had this feelings no body cared about me or concerned themselves about my feelings and existence.
I have been successful at masking the fact that I need love but all I have felt is hate.
Hate for my parents, friends, school teachers and now my wife who use to be my closest friend.

Dear diary, I will rather die than go back to my old self. I won't do that and I can't go back to me.
Sometimes God forgets about us, and I think he has forsaken me. So what am I living for?

They often say a life without Christ is a life of crises and I suppose that's where I am at the moment. Perhaps death changes things as winter changes trees.

Will death make me happier than burying my head in work? I haven't been there, so I don't know but I hope to find out soon.

Did you notice that when you are gone, people just tend to share a few crocodile tears and move on with their lives? I know I will get buried at the Bush when I am done but I don't want this. I want to be burnt ( cremated) and my ashes scattered with the wind.

Death seems to be far when you need her warm embrace. I wish my heart will just stop pumping blood and that will be it.

I have stopped taking pills , it no works for me. All I think of is slitting my wrist in a hotel bathroom and be gone before I am found. But that seems cowardly. I can't go out like a coward.

I can't put a bullet to my head or drink poison. It's too cheap. I wanna go out gallantly. I wish I was in the north east, I would have been useful at the war front.

They say those guys are hard to defeat because they are always prepared to die, well for those who are ready to go out in fashion, going after them won't be a bad ideal. It would be a honour pulling that trigger once more for a good cause.

I was lied to when I was told my sins are forgiving and I was gonna make heaven. Truth is , there is no heaven for the likes of us.
The best we can get is thug mansion sipping heavenly hennessey and smoking some weed over there with the likes of fela, tu Pac and co.

Last night some persons went out in fashion in the hands of terrorist in Spain. I was silently wishing I was there.

I feel so empty and worthless. My parents don't even know if I exist. Well, the only time they do is to ask for money.

I will be strong. I can't pour my heart out here any more, it only entertains you to read about my sorry state and move on to something else.

Till death comes, I gotta make some money to cover my funeral. I don't want Nobody spending them money at my funeral. All expenses will be taking care while I still breath, I think I should leave some money for my wife and mum.

Especially my wife so she can relocate and set up some business and make money for herself since that is the only thing she is good at.

In the interim, if you see death, tell her I looked for her last night but didn't see her. I hope she comes while I still need her. Good bye for now.

Unbelievable! What a Diary? Respect large man.

Hmmmm! Still breathing . I am better now and no longer in that dark tunnel like my online psychologist said.
Sage said for my kind of person, it's normal to be there. Sage also said I have loads of energy and I am not chaneelig them property hence makes weights me down.
She asked a question that made me realise I wasn't living, I was just existing.
I told her of my numerous attempts to cheat on my wife of late , my money problems, sex issues, lack of satisfaction with everything happening around me and my childhood.
Hmmmm ! My case is quiet unique. But truth she helped me get better. I am still a work in progress, but I will soon get there.
I nor longer care about my problems, I now take life one day at a time. I no longer call friends for money, we manage what ever we get and push ahead.
I discovered I was the number waster of resources in the house. If it wasn't sport betting, I was busy whoring my self away cos sex is boring at home she does not listen when it comes to sex.
Simple instructions she won't take. Killing moral all the time. What an as.s hole!
We have not have some mind blowing sex of late and I miss them. But she must not always have her way when it comes to sex. She is inexperienced and should learn and also give me instructions on how to please her. I love giving head cos sometimes I have a lot bordering me and might not even get an errection, and when I manage to, it does not last long cos I believe sex shouldn't be a quickie. There are build up to sex especially when it with your wife, it should be slow, steamy, crazy build up that will lead to a body wrenching , voice cracking and earth shaking orgasm. Simple instructions "go wash up" and I am going to months without sex cos she refused. I hate our sex life.
No wonder we still can't make babies. I swear , never marry a conservative churchy virgin, when you have being a play boy. She is a judgment sent from above to torment your sex life.
Sometimes I wonder why I still feel like cheating on her with no regrets. I have this 1,000,000 sexual fantasies I wanna fulfil but she is a kill joy. I hate to vent it on her, because I am damn blunt in my phraseology that I will end up looking for bundles of tissue to start cleaning her teary eyes. I love her, God in heaven knows ! But you can't have it all perfect. I understand.

Back to where we stopped jare. Yes! Lack of material adavncemnt no longer dictat how I live my life. I have finally come to terms that things have fallen and I ready to build again.
Working out how to start and also, I have come to realise I am built to be an employee , I am always smarter than my boss, hence we always have issues.
" never show you are smarter than your boss, he will hate you".
The CEO is a good man , but ain't gonna stay long in this company, or I will consult for them while moving on to other stuffs.
I am trying to stop being a fucki.ng as.shole introvert. I have started meeting folking who love my vastness and intelligence. I don't need a job, consult me or we could work together on a project.
Many prefer we work together on a project cos they don't wanna pay for consulting. The promises will automatically skyrocket me straight to the top in few months time, if they keep to their words. I intend to get an agreement signed with them , but enforcement is another thing. I hate taking someone to court. I used to prefer taking them out, destroying, the project,or frustrating them with africa voodoo. My favourite uncle is a voodoo priest same with my father in-law which made voodoo a play thing.
But giving the consequence, I try so much to avoid it.
My wife being a born again makes it difficult to keep some in the house. That was then anyway.

Having also decided to move away from those stuffs, I just wanna lead a clean life devoid of those stuffs. I will rather work away and pray better stuffs happens.
A predator suddenly becomes a prey. Well! It is well.
Except a grain of wheat falls to the ground, it abideth alone. But if it fallest and submits to the ground , it yeildeth much fruits.
Guess I am that grain of wheat. Something keeps telling me allow your mockers mock you, so your makers can make you.
I first saw the quotation on the grain of wheat in Ngugi Wa' Tiogo's " grain of wheat" , what a fine read.

I know as I write this , I only have 45naira in my bank acct, but I can control my emotions to allow it not control me, because I know the good Lord will provide.
I am expecting some good cash next week, it push comes to shove, we Wil manage and improvise till then.

Last week Sunday was though and I found my self in the kitchen making some home crafted good for my lovely wife. She loved the sauce and wished I will keep cooking for her everyday. Lol. I am not pansy, I only did it cos I needed to ensure she was fed no matter what that not to say I don't cook for her when she ain't at home and I am or on some special occasion. But she shouldn't take advantage of it. I have one principle, there must be something to eat no matter what. I must fulfil my number duty, which is feeding her. She is my first baby. My first child. My first daughter. If I don't feed her, who will?

Somebody promised to pay what he owes yesterday but till now no alert. I pray God causes him to remember and be restless till he fulfils his promise. Heaven knows I need that fund.

I have so many stuffs to work on today. Some I don't have the will power to start . I will try and start it regardless cos I if i start, I will finish and start expecting pay. They only wanna partner and pay me when they are paid cos they are the ones bringing the Job.
If I ask to be paid upfront, they will pay peanuts. This is better but will they pay?

I am quite hopeful and will take them by their words. I need to call stainless I need some software