Hmmmm! Still breathing . I am better now and no longer in that dark tunnel like my online psychologist said.
Sage said for my kind of person, it's normal to be there. Sage also said I have loads of energy and I am not chaneelig them property hence makes weights me down.
She asked a question that made me realise I wasn't living, I was just existing.
I told her of my numerous attempts to cheat on my wife of late , my money problems, sex issues, lack of satisfaction with everything happening around me and my childhood.
Hmmmm ! My case is quiet unique. But truth she helped me get better. I am still a work in progress, but I will soon get there.
I nor longer care about my problems, I now take life one day at a time. I no longer call friends for money, we manage what ever we get and push ahead.
I discovered I was the number waster of resources in the house. If it wasn't sport betting, I was busy whoring my self away cos sex is boring at home she does not listen when it comes to sex.
Simple instructions she won't take. Killing moral all the time. What an as.s hole!
We have not have some mind blowing sex of late and I miss them. But she must not always have her way when it comes to sex. She is inexperienced and should learn and also give me instructions on how to please her. I love giving head cos sometimes I have a lot bordering me and might not even get an errection, and when I manage to, it does not last long cos I believe sex shouldn't be a quickie. There are build up to sex especially when it with your wife, it should be slow, steamy, crazy build up that will lead to a body wrenching , voice cracking and earth shaking orgasm. Simple instructions "go wash up" and I am going to months without sex cos she refused. I hate our sex life.
No wonder we still can't make babies. I swear , never marry a conservative churchy virgin, when you have being a play boy. She is a judgment sent from above to torment your sex life.
Sometimes I wonder why I still feel like cheating on her with no regrets. I have this 1,000,000 sexual fantasies I wanna fulfil but she is a kill joy. I hate to vent it on her, because I am damn blunt in my phraseology that I will end up looking for bundles of tissue to start cleaning her teary eyes. I love her, God in heaven knows ! But you can't have it all perfect. I understand.

Back to where we stopped jare. Yes! Lack of material adavncemnt no longer dictat how I live my life. I have finally come to terms that things have fallen and I ready to build again.
Working out how to start and also, I have come to realise I am built to be an employee , I am always smarter than my boss, hence we always have issues.
" never show you are smarter than your boss, he will hate you".
The CEO is a good man , but ain't gonna stay long in this company, or I will consult for them while moving on to other stuffs.
I am trying to stop being a fucki.ng as.shole introvert. I have started meeting folking who love my vastness and intelligence. I don't need a job, consult me or we could work together on a project.
Many prefer we work together on a project cos they don't wanna pay for consulting. The promises will automatically skyrocket me straight to the top in few months time, if they keep to their words. I intend to get an agreement signed with them , but enforcement is another thing. I hate taking someone to court. I used to prefer taking them out, destroying, the project,or frustrating them with africa voodoo. My favourite uncle is a voodoo priest same with my father in-law which made voodoo a play thing.
But giving the consequence, I try so much to avoid it.
My wife being a born again makes it difficult to keep some in the house. That was then anyway.

Having also decided to move away from those stuffs, I just wanna lead a clean life devoid of those stuffs. I will rather work away and pray better stuffs happens.
A predator suddenly becomes a prey. Well! It is well.
Except a grain of wheat falls to the ground, it abideth alone. But if it fallest and submits to the ground , it yeildeth much fruits.
Guess I am that grain of wheat. Something keeps telling me allow your mockers mock you, so your makers can make you.
I first saw the quotation on the grain of wheat in Ngugi Wa' Tiogo's " grain of wheat" , what a fine read.

I know as I write this , I only have 45naira in my bank acct, but I can control my emotions to allow it not control me, because I know the good Lord will provide.
I am expecting some good cash next week, it push comes to shove, we Wil manage and improvise till then.

Last week Sunday was though and I found my self in the kitchen making some home crafted good for my lovely wife. She loved the sauce and wished I will keep cooking for her everyday. Lol. I am not pansy, I only did it cos I needed to ensure she was fed no matter what that not to say I don't cook for her when she ain't at home and I am or on some special occasion. But she shouldn't take advantage of it. I have one principle, there must be something to eat no matter what. I must fulfil my number duty, which is feeding her. She is my first baby. My first child. My first daughter. If I don't feed her, who will?

Somebody promised to pay what he owes yesterday but till now no alert. I pray God causes him to remember and be restless till he fulfils his promise. Heaven knows I need that fund.

I have so many stuffs to work on today. Some I don't have the will power to start . I will try and start it regardless cos I if i start, I will finish and start expecting pay. They only wanna partner and pay me when they are paid cos they are the ones bringing the Job.
If I ask to be paid upfront, they will pay peanuts. This is better but will they pay?

I am quite hopeful and will take them by their words. I need to call stainless I need some software .

Glad to see you've made progress and no longer depressed