Lol. Your "big man" doesn't have a name? Anyway, nice one. More and more kind-of-familiar names. . .. Keep it up!

Hehehehehe @ Jackal the Hannibal.

Nice satire. Very funny at atimes. Only I don't like being sold the same joke twice. Asides this, you story makes for a very relaxing interlude

vescucci:

Nice satire. Very funny at atimes. Only I don't like being sold the same joke twice. Asides this, you story makes for a very relaxing interlude

lol. . . when you say being sold the same joke twice, what exactly do you mean?

It means, when you're funny once, I laugh. When you're replaying the same scenario somewhere else, I don't laugh. I get pissed off. But this is just me and the occasions are far in between so it has no bearing on how good you write. Don't take me seriously though. I just felt I had to criticise soemthing, else, I'd come off as though I were kissing your ass. I don't like kissing ass. Male ass anyway, I'll leave that to Blue and Sisi

I forgot to ask where the other letters are. I'm interested in your story and I think despite its being a leisure thing, it might go places. It is quite easy to spring stories from it that it'd be a crime to give it up, Mr. Doyin

*Gasps*
Vesc!!!!

Well I never!

Doyin this is relaxing and nice. . . . . . . . . . more, more, more

tubabie:

Doyin this is relaxing and nice. . . . . . . . . . more, more, more

The mark of a good story-teller, always keep them wanting more, Well done doyin

INTERESTING PIECE.creativity~it wil trip me most if it isn't curbed.

INTERESTING PIECE.creativity~it wil trip me most if it isn't curbed.

Its quite long I got this relaxed on NL, your creativity is just ok and rich in words. I believe Debbie Ogunjobi needs you as a pal. The story must not stop halfway remember!!

vescucci:

It means, when you're funny once, I laugh. When you're replaying the same scenario somewhere else, I don't laugh. I get pissed off. But this is just me and the occasions are far in between so it has no bearing on how good you write. Don't take me seriously though. I just felt I had to criticise soemthing, else, I'd come off as though I were kissing your backside. I don't like kissing backside. Male backside anyway, I'll leave that to Blue and Sisi

*chokes on her drink*

excuse you?

Dear Madge,

Its me again. I find myself always looking for a classy introduction, playing around with lines, hoping to impress. But everything either seems hollow or cheesy. So I end up with something as lame as ''Its me again''.

How are you though? I hear London is on high alert again as a terrorist attack seems imminent. Well, Nigerians are perpetually on terrorist alert. I have since discovered their laid back exterior is nothing but a patina over a recurring fear of the unknown. Life can be really hard here and often goes for two a penny. Burukutu has furnished me with all manner of stories about ritual killings and the newspapers are filled with trailers ploughing into crowds, robbers raping and pillaging . . . . . honestly Madge you wonder how they cope, especially without a big man like our victims to fight for justice.

Okay Madge. . .enough of my social lamentations. They probably won't appreciate it anyway. Something about not wanting to wash their dirty embroideries in the presence of foreigners/.

I hope I have fooled you and concealed my excitement about the koboland case. Things have moved on rapidly and I actually do not know where to start. I remember I told you in my last letter about an impending meeting with the ''big man's'' daughter. I shall get to that soon enough, but before that I think I should go on a detour and give a description of life on koboland.com and how our victims fit into it. I think its long overdue and it will illuminate future letters I might write.

You can use many words to describe the activities on that website, but dull is not one of them. Conflict, spontaneity, prepubescence, infantile will be more appropriate. You can call it a cyber ghetto. The women are flirtatious with mouths as big as the Lagos Lagoon, and the men ready to take offence at the slightest provocation. You have cyber corners where the regulars parade themselves, arguing over irresolvable differences of tribe, football and romance. Yes Madge, the great trivumrate of tribe, football and romance. Add a tinge of religion into it, and you have the heady mix, an addictive concoction that has members coming back for more and new entrants trooping in in droves. Its so addictive, I have taken a username myself: Moyin13. Don't ask, its a long story.

Thankfully, our victims did not spread themselves too wide. I have dismissed the possibility of a religious or sporting motive for our murders. I toyed with tribe for a while but I soon dismissed it. Our victims were regulars in the romance section, the section where opportunistic Kobolanders with the misfortune of living in Nigeria look for mates in the Nigerian diaspora hoping to bag a financial lifeline, or where erstwhile real life sexual conservatives scurry in the dark of the internet to air their deviant sexual fantasies. You also have people seeking advice about their marriage or engagement or relationship or sexual issues. All very interesting, and sometimes had me wishing I had discovered it before our errr. . . .never mind Madge, I know you will be rolling your eyes already at that one.

Of course, in such an environment, friendships, cliques, associations are formed. Many of the members have come to know each other in the real world as well which doesn't make it our investigation any easier. One simply doesn't know who is in cahoots with who until a topic thread comes up and this member reveals he has been financially wiped out by another golddigging member, two people one didn't have a clue had anything together simply going by the postings on the site. They simply made initial contact on the website and took their relationships further either on phone or with myriad other avenues like facebook or Yahoo messenger. It became obvious I needed an insider, someone who knew everyone and had a feeler about who knew who and what and what was happening where.

You are probably thinking, why don't I rely on Jeun Okuwa. I could, in fact I probably should, but I refuse to. Never could stand smart alecs who think they know it all, and his smartassness borders on megalomania. No, I can't stand him Madge. My decision to avoid Mr. Okuwa was made easier I confess with the appearance of AdeAbeke, our big man's daughter. My meeting with her proved to be more productive than I could ever have hoped for.

But I fear, I will have to relay all that in my next letter. I know I am testing whatever little patience you have, but I feel I have to keep things neat or else I will be lost in all the detail.

Anyway. . .Till then

Yours

Dickie.

hmmmmm

Good job so far, but this Despoiling business has got to stop!

@Mods, What about literary integrity? I mean moderating a forum is one thing, but insulting the intelligence of your members with unnecessary censorship is just nonsensical. It's not like the writer is throwing around the F word or something, Please stop the silliness.

.more. .

doyin13:

The victim, oh I see I forgot to tell you his name, curious name as well, Boniface Heineiken, his passport said. Not very African I am sure you are thinking. My informant tells me a section of the country have a penchant for taking European names. Their Vice President, another man from that section of the country he tells me is called Goodluck Jonathan. Don't know if this info would come in handy on those quiz shows you used to like so much.

You're a phucking joker man! 

Heineken is a Dutch name and cannot be found anywhere in the Niger-Delta! 

Anyway, why do you write in quaint English? Its too long to read all these. . . I would prefer to read this in rap format!

will this story ever finish? Nice one doh

Lmao @ megalomania! Why I think that's my fav part.

nice one keep it up.

Ibime, who told you people don't bear Heineken in the Niger Delta? Those dudes have the weirdest names e.g. Aeroplane, UNESCO, Governor etc. There's a even a senator in the House of Assembly bearing Heineken.
Doyin, nice letters. Waiting for the next fix

Ride on

i simply cant wait for d next, just stumbled on it and i think its great!
the twists, language and, oh my, everything!

Doyin: For starters, I do not entertain long letters, nah, can't stand them after the one by MARIAMA BA. lol. . .
But you got me glued and I could not just try to skip one line. Now, I've got to give it to you: YOU ARE GOOD _{and I mean it}.

Genuflect:

Ibime, who told you people don't bear Heineken in the Niger Delta? Those dudes have the weirdest names e.g. Aeroplane, UNESCO, Governor etc. There's a even a senator in the House of Assembly bearing Heineken.
Doyin, nice letters. Waiting for the next fix

Ibime:

You're a phucking joker man! 

Heineken is a Dutch name and cannot be found anywhere in the Niger-Delta! 

Anyway, why do you write in quaint English? Its too long to read all these. . . I would prefer to read this in rap format!

Nope. There was a senator last time, a former speaker of the Bayelsa House, by the name of Heineken Lokpobiri.

doyin13,
I have been reading your contemporary narrative and it is satirical of Nigeria and Nigerians. But it based on realities of our life.
I will print it out and read it offline, because I read faster offline.

I hope this wont turn out to be one of those season 1,2,3,4,5,6,, films.
right now reading through the letters is turning into a BIG task.

kindly let the story have an end, or better stil make a movie or series out of it.

Nice concept but then it's just too long, please can someone help me read them, then give me the breakdown?

Humm, very interesting,

i suggest you become a playwright.

How long did it take you to write all these, if i may ask?

Nice write up. keep it going.