hello to everybody
im married to a nigerian man for 3 years now,but not long ago i knew that he has a baby in Nigeria and that he had some meetings to baby's mother when he travelled to Nigeria.
He told me that this woman not his wife and never was,but i doubt about that.He claims that one thing he wants is to keep contact to he daughter and he doesnt love the woman anymore.
Im not Nigerian myself,thats why i m writing here to know your opinion.Can a nigerian woman waite for a man who stay abroad for long time to hope he will be back one day?Is it possible to have two families like that?

rusgal:

Can a nigerian woman waite for a man who stay abroad for long time to hope he will be back one day?Is it possible to have two families like that?

It depends on his relationship with the Nigerian lady, if she is actually his wife, then she would wait for him until such a time he is able to get his papers, divorce you, remarry her and file for her and their daughter(if she doesn't have more from his trips to Nigeria) to join him abroad.

as i know they didnt marry,just she got pregnant , but this is what he and his friends told me.not sure i can believe
i really want to believe but i dont know nigerian culture very well.
he seems to love me and wish to stay with me,but i this thing really poison my mind now. i ve heard so many stories about two family at the same time that im scared to be in such situation
i dont even mind this baby, ready to accept but im thinking of this his ex,

rusgal:

as i know they didnt marry,

You can never know for sure.

rusgal:

Is it possible to have two families like that?

Nigeria is a polygamous society.

dont even have any idea how to find out
and i cant calm dawn my mind about this situation

chaircover:

Did he tell you about the baby before you got married?

If No, then prepare yourself for the worst.

i knew about baby after marriage but he told me himself.
but about meeting his ex i knew by accident

Well so far i dont think he has done anything so awful. He at least told you about his kid and besides would you honestly have wanted him to go visit his ex who got pregnant for him? and how exactly do you expect him to see his kid without seeing the mother in the first place.
I i were you i would have a candid conversation with him because there are too many jaded people on this sight that will help you destroy a potentially good relationship.

Talk to the man and express your concerns and yes there is extensive history of Nigerians getting married for papers and getting a divorce afterward but hey such is life you should know who you choose to marry and besides nothing is garunteed. So enjoy your life

omega25red:

Well so far i dont think he has done anything so awful. He at least told you about his kid and besides would you honestly have wanted him to go visit his ex who got pregnant for him? and how exactly do you expect him to see his kid without seeing the mother in the first place.
I i were you i would have a candid conversation with him because there are too many jaded people on this sight that will help you destroy a potentially good relationship.

Talk to the man and express your concerns and yes there is extensive history of Nigerians getting married for papers and getting a divorce afterward but hey such is life you should know who you choose to marry and besides nothing is garunteed. So enjoy your life

well as i said i do not mind his baby,im even ready to take her to live with us,but may be she will not want as i am white and she has her mama alreayd,anyway i love the baby already as my own, but i worry that he see this woman.and its like she wants him back.thats what i worry about.
we talked much with him,he said she means nothing for him anymore that he loves me and so on .
i want to stay with him till i die, i dont want to marry again, i made my choice, the one thing i dont want is to be second wife or something like this.
thank you for wishing me luck in this situation.i appreciate it

i like your attitude about you caring about the child but you have to thread lightly with another woman's child. i wonder what his story is regarding their breakup? have you met his parents and other family members? do they know you exist?

omega25red:

i like your attitude about you caring about the child but you have to thread lightly with another woman's child. i wonder what his story is regarding their breakup? have you met his parents and other family members? do they know you exist?

yes they know about me and they accpeted his choice
to be honest he didnt tell me the reason of their brake up,i understood that this topic is not pleasant for him so i didnt push him to say
he told me that she has a man and doesnt need him, that she knows about his marriage, but one of his friend told me that the girl wants him back

everything is so complicated,on one hand i should not worry but on the other hand my mind is not free

and why i should thread with this child?its only a child who need father as well, i understad this, i dont have any right to forbid him to keep contact,just im scared he dont tell me all the truth

You have a right to be confused, so keep talking to him, and keep asking questions, and if he has nothing to hide, you would know from his reaction and response to your questions.

A few things can help you think about the situation, for now, you don't know if what he says or his friends say is true or not, so you shouldn't take action based on that. Esp. concerning the friends, my husband had so called friends that tried to talk me into leaving him to date them during one of his trip, I guess some guys just think that because you married a nigerian man, you are ready to marry anyone of them So don't listen to them so much, and find for yourself what you need to know.

Did you go to nigeria with your husband? Did you meet his family? Had a traditionnal wedding there? Did he tell you about his baby then/before wedding? In what situation did he tell you about this baby? How did he react when you learnt that he met his ex in nigeria (which is a must as she is his baby mama)? How old is the baby? Did you talk to her? Did you talk to his ex? What is his plan for the baby i.e. how does he take care of her (sending money, taking her to live with you etc.)? Does his ex call him often?

You should study the situation for yourself, without causing to much drama in your relationship, as the man might be honest, keep your eyes opened, have a heart to heart conversation, and pray for the best.

Good luck!

thank you all for your advices, i appreciate them and i ll take them into consideration.
all i know from my husband's word is that he wants to keep contact to a baby(it happens once a year when he travels to Nigeria) and thats all.He also said that he didnt tell me about this baby before marriage because he thought that i would never accept a black baby and he didnt want to lose me because of his past mistake.From his word i should not worry and of course i listen to him more then his friends.
i travelled to Nigeria and met my husband's family.We know each other and they accepted me to their family and it is very important for me.but we didnt do traditional wedding.i know that for some people tradition wedding only is real wedding, but we didnt do it.

I hope that solution of this situation will be good for everybody and i ll save my husband for me.

@Chaircover

There is hardly any input one can give RUSGAL cos when you asked how she found out about the baby, she replied that he told her himself, and she has managed to respond to other people's query too, so it seems she has gotten all the grounds covered so far, hence reason i suggested all she can do is keep asking him if she needs to know anything else.

It is not uncommon for some people to be scared of broaching the subject of being single parents to their prospective intended for fear it will put a clog in the wheel, but from what rusgal said, he told her before she found out.

The only thing i'm having trouble sinking my teeth into is the "black baby" part, she doesn't have a problem with the man being black, so why should a black baby be an issue, my take on this is "what an excuse" or "perhaps he doesn't know rusgal his wife well". EITHER WAY NA POTENTIAL RED FLAG.

Busy_body:

@Chaircover


The only thing i'm having trouble sinking my teeth into is the "black baby" part, she doesn't have a problem with the man being black, so why should a black baby be an issue, my take on this is "what an excuse" or "perhaps he doesn't know rusgal his wife well". EITHER WAY NA POTENTIAL RED FLAG.

when we just got aquainted he asked me once if i can accept a baby from previous relationships(i didnt have any idea that he really mean it) and i said no,later when he told me about baby i understood his position.I didnt mention that i cant accept black baby i said that any baby.and its like he thought that to take it to my family will be not possbile for me. but when i faced this situation i took into consideration all pros and cons i realised that for this baby is important to know her real father,its not baby fault that it happened like this and if my husband will want to take it to live with us i ll accept and will take good care of it.
like i said i worry not about baby

I can clearly understand you are not bothered about the baby, and the fact that he asked your thoughts about being with someone who already had a child before indicates somewhat that he has a bit of genuineness about him.

The only snag i can see for now is that even though your hubby is claiming he no longer wants the lady, she still wants him and could do anything, even use the baby to try and woo him back, so to allay this niggling doubt, why not ask him about you both having a small traditional wedding in Nigeria. If he is willing to comply, at least this way, you would get to be recognised by his whole family as the wife and be able to sleep soundly at night again.

Its possible? It depends on the arrangement between both parties.

If you are unsure of his trust, while don't you travel with him the next time he goes to Nigeria

Busy_body:



why not ask him about you both having a small traditional wedding in Nigeria. If he is willing to comply, at least this way, you would get to be recognised by his whole family as the wife and be able to sleep soundly at night again.

jamesyins:

Its possible? It depends on the arrangement between both parties.

If you are unsure of his trust, while don't you travel with him the next time he goes to Nigeria

i thought about it as well, thank you for your advices