I am your typical twenty-something girl. Bubbly, Outgoing and down-to-earth. My appearance I find to be just average. I’m no Megan Fox but nor am I Susan Boyle. I am average in height, brown hair with highlights, blue eyes and porcelain skin.
I live in a one bedroom flat in a small, quiet area of London. Where I spend a lot of nights wishing things could be different. Wishing for my life to be different. For me to be different. I am typically in fear of rejection, so because of this I don’t put myself “out there”.
My experience of men isn’t good. I’ve had two boyfriends – both failed. Boyfriend number one turned out to be a complete bastard who stole from me, pressurised me and cheated on me on more than one occasion – to say the least. And boyfriend number two was perfectly nice, but his friends got involved and decided it was up to them whether we should be together, on which they decided no, so they made up rumours about me and that was the end of that.
For two years I have been single, and this has been out of choice. After my disastrous endings with my two exes’s I decided to focus on me. I decided I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me, and the only way for that to happen is to not let a man get close me. Not let him get to know me.
I had my casual sex, never meaning anything. Just fun. And I did have fun. I wouldn’t sleep with just anyone. It’s not like I went to a club and picked the first guy who gave me attention. Everyone who I slept with in those two years I knew. Either through a friend, a family member or just someone I happened to know.
I only spoke of these, shall we say “encounters”, to personal and trusted friends. And this being because I probably shouldn’t have slept with them in the first place.
After two year sofa job changes, sexual encounters, getting drunk and just genuinely enjoying the single life, I managed to get a great job. A bar job that paid well had a great atmosphere and great customers. And one customer in particular stood out to me. Chris.
On first meeting with Chris I found him to be a very sweet guy, funny, witty and clever. I also assumed he was gay! But a few months later he proved me wrong as we shared our first kiss. After our first kiss I went into freak-out mode. What was happening? Why was it happening? Do I really like him?
After months of talking to this guy I knew he was different from the rest. He had something about him. After 4 months of working there he crept into my thoughts a lot. And on the night of our first kiss I knew I wanted it to happen. I had arrived in the pub after just being on a date with a perfectly nice guy but he just wasn’t for me. And there was Chris. I knew something had to happen. I really wanted it to. We left the pub at the same time, having a laugh and joke. And then I got my invitation back to his for a “glass of wine”. I’m not a wine drinker but that didn’t bother me it was the wine that I wanted,
We arrive inside, and sit of the sofa and talk. And before I know it we’re kissing. It felt so right. But something was telling me this is wrong. I pull away abruptly and say I have to go. I go home and think about what just happened. I keep telling myself it’s wrong, I shouldn’t be falling for one of the customers. I felt I had turned into the typical barmaid. And that just wasn’t me; I didn’t want to be the typical barmaid.
For months I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to let myself get involved with one of the customers. If a relationship fails that you’ve had with a customer then I would still have to see him, serve him, and be friendly. And with my luck relationships don’t end on good terms. Could I let myself go through all that? I decided no and buried my feelings.
Every now and then I would question myself “Do I really like him?” I couldn’t work it out. He was always on my mind, but he was also not my type. And he is ten years older than me. Chris and I are so different that I didn’t know why I liked him. I kept trying to deny my feelings for him.
After months of denial I finally gave in at Christmas. We left the pub at the same time once again, and spoke of our first kiss. It was pouring down with rain but we didn’t care. We kissed again on a doorstep for what seemed like hours - Many wonderful hours. We went back to his house and slept together. He really knew what he was doing, and how to turn me on. I tried to resist but I couldn’t, I was too caught up in the moment.
I’ve never had a man treat me like Chris did that night. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever met. I felt so happy just lying there in his arms, which he planted kisses on my back calling me gorgeous. But I unfortunately had to go home, I had work the next day and I know I can’t function properly without having enough sleep. It was 5am when I left his house.
When I woke I regretted what had happened. I slept with one of the customers. I have to face him again, probably that night. When I next saw him I tried to avoid him, but out of the two of us working that night it was me who had to serve him. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone else to know.
He would text me, and asks me to meet but I refused. I was scared deep down. What happened to me? I was so sure I wanted to be single and then I meet this fantastic guy that made me think “this could work?”
I didn’t know what to do. Even though I knew I liked him, I denied this to myself. He would contact me and tell me how beautiful I looked that night but I just pushed him away. I tried not to let him get close to me. This backfired. On New Year’s Eve I found out he had a date. I was incredibly jealous and crushed. But I couldn’t show this, I couldn’t let anyone know that I liked him, so I acted as though I was happy for him. When deep down I wanted to cry, I wanted to tell him I liked him, but I stopped myself.
After New Year’s he went away for a month. And for that whole month I thought of him every day. When he returned I was so happy to see him that it made everything clear to me. I admitted to myself that I did like him and I couldn’t run away from my feelings. I decided I wanted to tell him but had no idea how. After a month of trying to figure how to tell him, I came up with a plan. It was a Friday and I thought to myself “it's now or never” I decided that night I would tell him, no matter what. Luckily we left at the same time again; we walked some of the way home together and were chatting. He invited me back to his for a chat and I agreed. After a while he put his arm around me, and I turned around we kissed. All the time telling myself “you have to tell him, you have to tell him!” I finally plucked up the courage and told him. But I had wasted so many months that our chance had passed by. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was so crushed; I wanted to kick myself for waiting so long. If I only I hadn’t been so scared of liking him we might be together?

You must be an object of a man's sexual fantasy.Come to me,and I will give you rest

[size=13pt]and you call this epistle short pheeeew. . . . . sorry wats your definition of long story then?

cant read it sowee. . . maybe if there is a broken down version [/size]

@ Poster,
I presume this is fiction. It's very nice and easy to read. Thank God it's not real life cos if it were, I'd say the guy is a big time player. He just wants to play around and sees you as an easy prey. Otherwise, he told you he's not ready for a relationship after 2 years of knowing you, you've shared kisses and even a bed. If he isn't ready now, he was never ready and will never be ready for you. He's most probably a married man.

Sorry girl, but that's the way it is.

you are kidding me right
girl you need to sit yourself down and think about the kind of life you are living
just one advice for ya
if you wanna be a player stick to it
if you wanna be one man girl stick to it
remember you cant be both at the same time

Sad. . .I just knew that you were gonna miss his boat before i got to the end of your story

Not to worry, you CAN live without him, you just DONT WANT TO. . .you sound level headed. . i'm sure you WILL meet some other nice guy soon.