It’s obvious to me that my marriage has finally crashed down. I always have an argument with my husband almost every month. To think we have been married for 11 years its an understatement as my marriage keep getting worse each year. My husband has this mentality that his own idea or opinion on a subject it’s the best, therefore, anytime I have a different opinion he will shout and get us into quarrelling.
We have not quarreled since November, so two days ago we were just watching a movie and there was a scene where a church member was discussing her marital problem to the pastor without knowing that pastor and his wife are going through worse rough patches in their own marriage. I quickly stated this is why couples should try and settle their marital problems without a third party. I added this is what I was telling you when you told our friend about our problem. He didn’t even allow me to finish, he started yelling, shouting, calling me names like idiots, pussy, to the extent that he came back from inside the room and spat on me many times, that I had to spat back before he now left my personal space. I was shocked at how much he reacted. If I didn’t know him I would have thought he was under the influence of drug/alcohol. Our kids came out from the room and was shouting we should stop that spatting, screaming it was gross. They are just under 10 years.

The following day, I demanded his audience that I would like to discuss about what happened yesterday. He said he is not listening that I should go and learn about marriage. I told him that him spitting on me was demeaning, and I would not accept it, but he started shouting again and even spat on me 3 times again, saying I cannot do anything, that every time I keep reminding him something of the past. I now told him that our marriage is over. He said if you like pack your things and leave but I will not leave the house for you.

We recently moved to another country so I am not working, he is the only one working. I supported him and left my well paid job to migrate to a different country and this is what I got from him. I believe he did this because I don’t have any job or anywhere to run to in this new place. We have had our shares of arguments but spitting on me I take it as last straw. I would have left house but no place to go. I went to help Centre they said I could get support if I press charges as spitting is also an offence where we are. But I don’t really want to go that route.
I have gotten a part time job which I will resume hopefully end of the month. I have been thinking on two options now. To cut the story short.

Option 1: continue living with him until I get enough money in the next three months, rent a new house and vamoose with my children.
Option 2: live together as housemates, don’t get into much discussion with him, no sleeping together(to me this option is just because of what people, my family will say and kids).

My heart is yearning for option one because he has an anger problem, he has hit me before about 8 years ago, I called police, since then he doesn’t hit me but still comes close to me during arguments by shrugging or just giving me a push. I feel him spitting on me was another way of running away from hitting me. I dread hitting me would have been his option if we were living in Nigeria. Our kids are growing and watching him screaming on top of his voice, this scares my daughter from getting married as she has mentioned he doesn’t want to be screaming with his husband that she will not get married. I also have ended up learning some of his silly behavior just to show him how it feels such as screaming back, cutting phones as he does this all the time if he feels you have a different view, keeping malice for days. Usually I am not that person but I have tried to get him stop doing that all to no avail. Am tired. When my mum came around to our place, on different occasions he made her stay terrible with bad behavior of picking quarrel with me and keeping malice including at my mum. He watches pornography and blames me I don’t give him intimacy. Although I had a talk severally about the impact of that as our kids use his phones and laptop and may be exposed as sometimes he leaves the page on and sleeps off. I told him I will try and give it to him anytime he comes, but few months ago, I noticed he still goes there.
Obviously, we are both not happy in the relationship. He doesn’t show remorse and for the fact that I will be walking on egg shell all the time scares me. I feel like separating for a while will do us good, also we could get counselling and his management on anger if we decide to come back together. He can keep malice forever, always blaming me for all his problems. Very emotional and sensitive human being. I am tired of his immaturity and it seems the older he gets worse it becomes, he will be 45 soon. Any advice on what step to take is highly appreciated.

Perseverance.... That's all I have to say. I see you have some of that. Else you would have long divorced him because A couple of years you complained he snores. Men always want to be in charge of the house...in fact in charge of everything. So I'll say play possum. You'll get a lot of advice from here or anywhere. Fools will say leave him. Morons will say walk away. What I'll stay stay there. If he shouts look at him,dont say a word. Instead say sorry. If he wants something do it fast.If he wants some action give it to him wella. Be the obedient "foolish" wife. Very soon his conscience will come into play.Trust me divorce is not an option. You'll ruin the lives of those kids.Do it for them. Remember nothing good comes easy.

P.s : a recent survey(Jan 2018) shows that 84% of those in Nigeria prisons comes from broken homes.

That's men for you.

You are in a very depressing situation and it's not good at all...

both of you lack understanding. work on it.

It seems men craze dey start once them clock 40 years.

hmm

Oyindidi:
Say it

Mama the mama, I dey hail o

I went through your profile and all your topics to try to decipher the kind of person you are and the kind of person he is .This is my finding , if everything you said is true since 2008

1.You are committed to making things work and he is not , I would have asked if you didnt notice the signs before getting married , but hot water don enter the garri already,we no fit turn am back to dry garri .

2.You tolerated him too much at the beginning and he has built up on it.

3.I know because of number 2 above some people would come for my head , but marriage is partnership , if you had respectfully drawn the line early enough it would not have gotten this bad , except he is just a very wicked human being , he should be your friend !

4. Has he always being like this ?, how do you tell him he is wrong , you know men and ego na(though not all) , you have to stroke his ego and correct him at the same time.What is the tone in your voice like ?

5.If he has not always being like this , is there something you once did that made him go rogue ?

6. If you have a clean slate and no skeleton in your cupboard , then I would say this is a tough nut to crack , especially because you said " he shows no remorse".There is nothing more dangerous than someone who shows no remorse .

7. I can't tell you to leave your marriage , your kids are important and every decision you take , you have to just put them into consideration first.

I would advise you read this article I wrote some years ago :


How to spice up your marriage and prevent divorce :
https://www.nairaland.com/3314181/how-spice-up-marriage-also

MODIFIED :
Hope sey una dey reason God for una marriage sha , action without prayer especially in marriage is like pouring water in basket o

Donald3d:
hmm

Say it

Can you give any advice that doesn’t involve her putting herself into more depression?

cummando:
Perseverance.... That's all I have to say. I see you have some of that. Else you would have long divorced him because A couple of years you complained he snores. Men always want to be in charge of the house...in fact in charge of everything. So I'll say play possum. You'll get a lot of advice from here or anywhere. Fools will say leave him. Morons will say walk away. What I'll stay stay there. If he shouts look at him,dont say a word. Instead say sorry. If he wants something do it fast.If he wants some action give it to him wella. Be the obedient "foolish" wife. Very soon his conscience will come into play.Trust me divorce is not an option. You'll ruin the lives of those kids.Do it for them. Remember nothing good comes easy.

P.s : a recent survey(Jan 2018) shows that 84% of those in Nigeria prisons comes from broken homes.

I feel like separating for a while will do us good, also we could get counselling and his management on anger if we decide to come back together.

OP you already know the solution to your problems. But before the separation part, suggest counseling for you both and anger management to him.

It takes two to tango. You can’t be happy in a relationship that you’re not wanted. So work on it with him. If he refuses to work with you, you know you can’t do it alone. Your mental health is important

cococandy:
Can you give any advice that doesn’t involve her putting herself into more depression?

Like divorce? What you see as depression might be a hurdle she has to overcome for a happier tomorrow. Its an advice though. Its left for her to take it or leave it. Its not compulsory

cummando:

Like divorce? What you see as depression might be a hurdle she has to overcome for a happier tomorrow. Its an advice though. Its left for her to take it or leave it. Its not compulsory

or like counseling, separation, anger management, reaching out to an older couple? Anything but ‘lay down so that he step on you some more’.

Whatever, it’s your mb, Type as you wish.
Only that your post reeks of lack of empathy. I never give anyone advice I wouldn’t take if I was in their position. If someone treats you that way, will your first response be to keep enduring or instead do something different so that they are forced to accept responsibility and do right by you?

Here’s a tip. When someone asks you for advice . Ask yourself “if this was me going through this, what would I do?”

three things 2 do:
1. there is nothing u cant achieve if u put ur mind to it. watch ur weight and ur dressing, remind him why he married u,it can help u focus on something else.

2. pray for him and pls stop arguing and quarrelling. speak to him unless its absolutely necessary. give him space.

3. do not divorce, highest seperate if he becomes voilent

Your husband sounds psychotic. And being the angel that you are I think you should stick with option 1, before he graduates form spitting to biting. This is how rabies starts.

cococandy:
or like counseling, separation, anger management, reaching out to an older couple? Anything but ‘lay down so that he step on you some more’.

Whatever, it’s your mb, Type as you wish.
Only that your post reeks of lack of empathy. I never give anyone advice I wouldn’t take if I was in their position. If someone treats you that way, will your first response be to keep enduring or instead do something different so that they are forced to accept responsibility and do right by you?

Here’s a tip. When someone asks you for advice . Ask yourself “if this was me going through this, what would I do?”

Your control of the language negates your reasoning. Look for another tree to bark on. The op needs your help. Face her not me.
FYI it takes only an intelligent person to know that I spoke from experience. Now go and play.

HRHQueenPhil:
three things 2 do:
1. there is nothing u cant achieve if u put ur mind to it. watch ur weight and ur dressing, remind him why he married u,it can help u focus on something else.

2. pray for him and pls stop arguing and quarrelling. speak to him unless its absolutely necessary. give him space.

3. do not divorce, highest seperate if he becomes voilent

Nice one

Things arent likely to change . His spitting on you shows deep animosity don't let him stab you one day in a fit of rage.

Avoid all the potential quarrel triggers this includes what others would term as normal conversations.

Pray if you're spiritual and work fervently at leaving this marriage.
.God be with you.

cummando:
Perseverance.... That's all I have to say. I see you have some of that. Else you would have long divorced him because A couple of years you complained he snores. Men always want to be in charge of the house...in fact in charge of everything. So I'll say play possum. You'll get a lot of advice from here or anywhere. Fools will say leave him. Morons will say walk away. What I'll stay stay there. If he shouts look at him,dont say a word. Instead say sorry. If he wants something do it fast.If he wants some action give it to him wella. Be the obedient "foolish" wife. Very soon his conscience will come into play.Trust me divorce is not an option. You'll ruin the lives of those kids.Do it for them. Remember nothing good comes easy.

P.s : a recent survey(Jan 2018) shows that 84% of those in Nigeria prisons comes from broken homes.

I am near sure that this is sarcasm at its peak

cococandy:
or like counseling, separation, anger management, reaching out to an older couple? Anything but ‘lay down so that he step on you some more’.

Whatever, it’s your mb, Type as you wish.
Only that your post reeks of lack of empathy. I never give anyone advice I wouldn’t take if I was in their position. If someone treats you that way, will your first response be to keep enduring or instead do something different so that they are forced to accept responsibility and do right by you?

Here’s a tip. When someone asks you for advice . Ask yourself “if this was me going through this, what would I do?”

Ignore that guy.

you have been married for eleven years and you have put up with him this far. if I were in your situation I probably would want to leave too. But that isn't the best pick . so many things are involved . your Union has produced kids so you can't throw caution to the wind; yet that marriage is toxic both to you and your kids- kids watching both of you scream and spat on each other is degrading. true is, you have both lost respect in front of your kids and any instruction you give to them won't sway.And now your daughter said she won't get married because of the example you and her father have laid. you have destroy the foundation.
what will I advise?
I think you should talk to your husband about working on his anger first. let him know how much damage his anger has caused the kids. speak to a counsellor.

be patient.By now you should know what triggers his anger . Avoid them.
stop reacting whenever he acts. he spat you spat, he screamed you also screamed. Truly, that makes the two of you.you are as guilty as him. for the sake of your own sanity and that of your kids stop reacting let your kids see that at least one of you is sane. don't let another build your character for you.
show him love. yes you read right ! show him love. it conquers all things. you might not see the result immediately but one day he will thank you.
your husband can't be all bad, except he is the devil himself. check yourself. what are you doing wrongly ? you ain't a saint work on loopholes.
I am a product of a broken home. I tell you my parents divorce is the worse thing that has happened to me and my siblings. we are the one who suffered and still suffering the most.
lastly, pray and ask God for guidance. you can never go wrong with him. sometimes this things are attacks from the enemy

mrphysics:


I am near sure that this is sarcasm at its peak

May your wisdom never diminish

HRHQueenPhil:
three things 2 do:
1. there is nothing u cant achieve if u put ur mind to it. watch ur weight and ur dressing, remind him why he married u,it can help u focus on something else.

2. pray for him and pls stop arguing and quarrelling. speak to him unless its absolutely necessary. give him space.

3. do not divorce, highest seperate if he becomes voilent

Unbelievable! In this 2018?

my darling, truth is , its not more for the husband, but for herself, getting back 2 shape builds confidence in a woman like u wont eva understand, go and ask khloe K, BELLA DISU ETC

BellaElla:


Unbelievable! In this 2018?

It is really sad to know what you are going through. The truth is, divorce could be worse on the kids just as your respect matters as a wife. My question is, does he treat the kids very well? If yes, he has a heart/conscience but if not, no need to waste your time.
Second, be per-occupied with other things and make him of less importance. Do your job as a wife and watch/talk to him when he is in the mood.
Third, he sounds depressed from your assertions. Try and understand what's the problem.
Of all, your knees have the answer. Best wishes

Since your husband has a fixed mindset about marriage, it will be difficult to change his thought.

However, he can still be the best man as he is obviously acting base on ignorance and a skewed mindset.

The solution is prayer.
I know of only one place you can get such effective target and focus prayers. www.firesprings.com. Visit the site to read testimonies of real people, and decide for yourself.

I have some of their materials which I can give you if you don't mind.

At present please calm down and re access the situation.

Be more patient with him. If you could do it in the past 11 years I believe it is equally possible now. I believe this season will soon be over and you soon sing a better song in your marriage.

Shalom!

you better do what's best for your peace of mind....do you think children will be happy to be in a home were their parents fight always? it makes them think they are unlucky and may begin to feel sad when they visit freinds whose parents are always happy and lovely ...

nairaland can't solve your problem...this people will tell you to persevere and pray, but tell a man to divorce the woman immediately that the woman is a slay queen!

madam go to your closet and analyse the matter,if you want to spend the next 20years plus in pain,depression and asking yourself numerous questions ..while at the same time keeping a face and acting all happy to outsiders.....

parents who fight alot have a really bad influence on their kids....they will soon start thinking you guys aren't capable of love ..and at the same time will start analysing whose side to be on...whether it's mum or dad...psycological trauma isn't funny....


all the best madam...

11years of pain...u may survive the next 20+ tho

HRHQueenPhil:
three things 2 do:
1. there is nothing u cant achieve if u put ur mind to it. watch ur weight and ur dressing, remind him why he married u,it can help u focus on something else.

2. pray for him and pls stop arguing and quarrelling. speak to him unless its absolutely necessary. give him space.

3. do not divorce, highest seperate if he becomes voilent

who is this dumb ass....what hell hole did you come out from....dressing in this age and time...do you think weight and dress is all that creates a good marriage? .....or can't your brain reason enough to realise he has been like this,was even worse at the early days of their marriage....morrons like this blame women and make it look like they were born for sex! look good for the man they say! while the man keeps looking like a sack of decayed potato!....

he said do not divorce but separate? oloshi...

so she should separate and not divorce so she won't find love again, and the man will keep having control over her life yet they are seperated.....but be an ex wife in the face of the people and not in the face of the law! ..

madam kindly ignore this nitwit!

cummando:

Like divorce? What you see as depression might be a hurdle she has to overcome for a happier tomorrow. Its an advice though. Its left for her to take it or leave it. Its not compulsory

the kids may even be happier with the divorce,so long has there is money to pay their fees,cloth and feed!...its better than being in a home with no peace...where dad curses mum! ...

many of this nairalanders of today lack even common sense that is everywhere

Both of you need counseling. Marriage is about how to reach a middle ground. Besides your hubby's attitude depicts that there's a stored up animosity you guys haven't settled and I think he bears it grudgingly. You need to find the root cause if you want to have a healthy home.
And your kids need a healthy home too. No child wants to live in a home he dreads going to after school. Do the needful. Lovingly suggest visiting a counseling center to help you two work things out. Cheers.

u are entitled 2 ur own opinion, and am entitled 2 mine, to pour insults like this shows u are not diferent from her degenerate husband.
what a wicked soul u av. u must be possessed.i dont know wat else 2 call this

Bootybuttchic:
who is this dumb ass....what hell hole did you come out from....dressing in this age and time...do you think weight and dress is all that creates a good marriage? .....or can't your brain reason enough to realise he has been like this,was even worse at the early days of their marriage....morrons like this blame women and make it look like they were born for sex! look good for the man they say! while the man keeps looking like a sack of decayed potato!....

he said do not divorce but separate? oloshi...

so she should separate and not divorce so she won't find love again, and the man will keep having control over her life yet they are seperated.....but be an ex wife in the face of the people and not in the face of the law! ..

madam kindly ignore this nitwit!

Bootybuttchic:
the kids may even be happier with the divorce,so long has there is money to pay their fees,cloth and feed!...its better than being in a home with no peace...where dad curses mum! ...

many of this nairalanders of today lack even common sense that is everywhere

Common sense you say....go and get married then come back to discuss with men. Oloshos are not qualified to give any form of advice miss booty "but"

HRHQueenPhil:
u are entitled 2 ur own opinion, and am entitled 2 mine, to pour insults like this shows u are not diferent from her degenerate husband.
what a wicked soul u av. u must be possessed.i dont know wat else 2 call this

I'm disappointed in you. You should be able to discern between a hooker and a normal lady. That slowpoke you answered can't last 3 mins in a husbands house.