Oyindidi:
That's men for you.

Some men not all.

am really sorry, just cldnt believe the intensity of the rubbish the person was spewing. am more dissapointed in myself.

cummando:
I'm disappointed in you. You should be able to discern between a hooker and a normal lady. That slowpoke you answered can't last 3 mins in a husbands house.

Please ma, did you see these signs before getting married to him or is it a recent development? I think the marriage can still work if you both agree. I advise you see a marriage counselor at this stage of misunderstanding. Marriage is God's institution so invite him to be in it. Finally if all your efforts proved abortive, please give him some space. Don't die in the name of marriage. There's no reward for such. I honestly hope you'll once again find love in your marriage.
Enjoy!

ikpuru1234:

It’s obvious to me that my marriage has finally crashed down. I always have an argument with my husband almost every month. To think we have been married for 11 years its an understatement as my marriage keep getting worse each year. My husband has this mentality that his own idea or opinion on a subject it’s the best, therefore, anytime I have a different opinion he will shout and get us into quarrelling.
We have not quarreled since November, so two days ago we were just watching a movie and there was a scene where a church member was discussing her marital problem to the pastor without knowing that pastor and his wife are going through worse rough patches in their own marriage. I quickly stated this is why couples should try and settle their marital problems without a third party. I added this is what I was telling you when you told our friend about our problem. He didn’t even allow me to finish, he started yelling, shouting, calling me names like idiots, pussy, to the extent that he came back from inside the room and spat on me many times, that I had to spat back before he now left my personal space. I was shocked at how much he reacted. If I didn’t know him I would have thought he was under the influence of drug/alcohol. Our kids came out from the room and was shouting we should stop that spatting, screaming it was gross. They are just under 10 years.

The following day, I demanded his audience that I would like to discuss about what happened yesterday. He said he is not listening that I should go and learn about marriage. I told him that him spitting on me was demeaning, and I would not accept it, but he started shouting again and even spat on me 3 times again, saying I cannot do anything, that every time I keep reminding him something of the past. I now told him that our marriage is over. He said if you like pack your things and leave but I will not leave the house for you.

We recently moved to another country so I am not working, he is the only one working. I supported him and left my well paid job to migrate to a different country and this is what I got from him. I believe he did this because I don’t have any job or anywhere to run to in this new place. We have had our shares of arguments but spitting on me I take it as last straw. I would have left house but no place to go. I went to help Centre they said I could get support if I press charges as spitting is also an offence where we are. But I don’t really want to go that route.
I have gotten a part time job which I will resume hopefully end of the month. I have been thinking on two options now. To cut the story short.

Option 1: continue living with him until I get enough money in the next three months, rent a new house and vamoose with my children.
Option 2: live together as housemates, don’t get into much discussion with him, no sleeping together(to me this option is just because of what people, my family will say and kids).

My heart is yearning for option one because he has an anger problem, he has hit me before about 8 years ago, I called police, since then he doesn’t hit me but still comes close to me during arguments by shrugging or just giving me a push. I feel him spitting on me was another way of running away from hitting me. I dread hitting me would have been his option if we were living in Nigeria. Our kids are growing and watching him screaming on top of his voice, this scares my daughter from getting married as she has mentioned he doesn’t want to be screaming with his husband that she will not get married. I also have ended up learning some of his silly behavior just to show him how it feels such as screaming back, cutting phones as he does this all the time if he feels you have a different view, keeping malice for days. Usually I am not that person but I have tried to get him stop doing that all to no avail. Am tired. When my mum came around to our place, on different occasions he made her stay terrible with bad behavior of picking quarrel with me and keeping malice including at my mum. He watches pornography and blames me I don’t give him intimacy. Although I had a talk severally about the impact of that as our kids use his phones and laptop and may be exposed as sometimes he leaves the page on and sleeps off. I told him I will try and give it to him anytime he comes, but few months ago, I noticed he still goes there.
Obviously, we are both not happy in the relationship. He doesn’t show remorse and for the fact that I will be walking on egg shell all the time scares me. I feel like separating for a while will do us good, also we could get counselling and his management on anger if we decide to come back together. He can keep malice forever, always blaming me for all his problems. Very emotional and sensitive human being. I am tired of his immaturity and it seems the older he gets worse it becomes, he will be 45 soon. Any advice on what step to take is highly appreciated.

The number one problem facing your marriage is PORNOGRAHY

Your hubby is addicted to porn and that takes his mind away from you.

He has no feelings for u all because porn have taking a greater part of him.

Another thing is this: His emotions is tied to porn and he is also having a spiritual wife who is
bent on seeing you leave your man so she will have him all to herself and ruin him finally.

Your hubby needs serious deliverance and understanding of how bad the porn addiction and masturbation is.

Unless he understands what porn is doing to him and his family and make serious efforts to stop it plus prayers,
there is no head way.

BellaElla:


Unbelievable! In this 2018?

I am telling you, I just shook my head when I saw that response. The kind of things people put up with in the name of marriage!

We have not quarreled since November, so two days ago we were just watching a movie and there was a scene where a church member was discussing her marital problem to the pastor without knowing that pastor and his wife are going through worse rough patches in their own marriage. I quickly stated this is why couples should try and settle their marital problems without a third party. I added this is what I was telling you when you told our friend about our problem. He didn’t even allow me to finish, he started yelling, shouting, calling me names like idiots, pussy, to the extent that he came back from inside the room and spat on me many times, that I had to spat back before he now left my personal space. I was shocked at how much he reacted.

The following day, I demanded his audience that I would like to discuss about what happened yesterday. He said he is not listening that I should go and learn about marriage. I told him that him spitting on me was demeaning, and I would not accept it, but he started shouting again and even spat on me 3 times again, saying I cannot do anything, that every time I keep reminding him something of the past.

Firstly, there is too much tension, passive aggression and unforgiveness which has hindered the possibilities of true reconciliation between you and your husband. I specifically highlighted both excerpts from your post because they have the main issue your husband is struggling with.

"You keep reminding him of the past".
In the first paragraph, you agreed you and your husband have not had a fight since November 2017 and considering how often you fought in the past, 2 months without one was huge. Consequently, there was absolutely no justification for you to relate the movie to his mistake of telling his friends about your past issues. "That is why couples should not involve third parties" would have been sufficient enough from you. You did not have to go into extensive details. The fragile peace you and your family enjoyed for nearly 2 months was shattered by a mere movie.

Secondly, you have every right to demand audience from him regarding the events of the previous day, however, in my professional experience, I can tell you authoritatively that humans are naturally oppositional. This creates avenues for the invention of new behaviors or the conscious effort to imagine consequences while pushing the limits. When you told him how you felt about the spitting and that you would not accept it, you were technically right, however, in psychology, you were negatively reinforcing his oppositional defiant tendencies which led to more spitting and more threats. It was only worsened because you reciprocated the spitting in equal measure as you alluded.

I would not suggest divorce, not even separation at this point, many may think I am crazy. I would recommend separate individual counselling sessions for you and particularly your husband (Whom i am convinced has some frustration, anger and aggression problems that may be associated with historical trauma before he even met you) before even considering marriage/ joint counseling. Once the individual counselling session is complete or progresses, then you can both agree upon marriage/ joint counselling. In the instance you both agree on marriage counselling, it may also need to start off individually.

Finally, I salute your courage and resilience in fighting for yourself, your children and your family and I hope you find some wisdom in my thoughts.

Marriage scares me more than anything in the world

Oyindidi:
It seems men craze dey start once them clock 40 years.

You mean say my craze go start in 10 years time?

TonyeBarcanista:

You mean say my craze go start in 10 years time?

Yes o

Oyindidi:
Yes o

Lol see your head


As per the story, I think the OP need to do some introspection! She didn't state her own faults and I am sure the husband is not a mad man to be ranting all the time!


Abeg, marriage drama wahala...

TonyeBarcanista:

Lol see your head


As per the story, I think the OP need to do some introspection! She didn't state her own faults and I am sure the husband is not a mad man to be ranting all the time!


Abeg, marriage drama wahala...

That's one-sided story for you. Everyone claim they are at the receiving end.

Oyindidi:
That's one-sided story for you. Everyone claim they are at the receiving end.

That is why me just happy for my newly found singlehoo

Woman drama don tire me!

Imagine dem de watch film and she com de tell the man say him no try as him de explain him matter to him friends just to reopen old wonds, while the ogbonge husband take am personal like say him be woman

The OP and her Husband na perfect match if you ask me!

Oyindidi:
That's one-sided story for you. Everyone claim they are at the receiving end.

You know I have come to admire you, having watched you so far. You are a good woman. I remember having an opinion of you being a busy body housewife.

How wrong was I. Your advices have proven very mature.

Oyindidi:
That's men for you.

What do you mean that's men?

TonyeBarcanista:
That is why me just happy for my newly found singlehoo

Woman drama don tire me!

Imagine dem de watch film and she com de tell the man say him no try as him de explain him matter to him friends just to reopen old wonds, while the ogbonge husband take am personal like say him be woman

The OP and her Husband na perfect match if you ask me!

what about your woman?

Yesterday bobo annoy like mad, I just enter room go sleep. Men ego big pass ocean

Gungnir:


You know I have come to admire you, having watched you so far. You are a good woman. I remember having an opinion of you being a busy body housewife.

How wrong was I. Your advices have proven very mature.

Don't judge people by their online persona. I'm one coolheaded mama. You can ask tonyebarcanista

I'm sure you saw all the signs of a bad spouse before marriage but you ignored them because of the frivolity called "love". You ladies make wrong choices of marriage partners for frivolous reasons. You reject a jewel and settle for a jerk and when the "love" clears from your eyes you start seeing all the faults! By that time you start disturbing our peace with your complaints.

Having highlighted the above, i'll advise you to try once more at settling whatever issue you have with your husband. If he will agree to see a counsellor with you, good and fine. But if after making all efforts things ain't getting better, please divorce him. So long as you have money to cater for your children, go ahead and divorce him. Children of divorced parents only suffer if there is no money to take care of their needs.
Everyone deserves a happy marriage so no one should settle for less.

Oyindidi:
what about your woman?

Yesterday bobo annoy like mad, I just enter room go sleep. Men ego big pass ocean

Well, make you sha take things easy with oga at the top!

As for your quesstion, there is no woman save my female relatives led by my sweet Mother in whom I am very well pleased

Women drama too many abeg!

Oyindidi:
Don't judge people by their online persona. I'm one coolheaded mama. You can ask tonyebarcanista

Hotheaded you mean

TonyeBarcanista:

Hotheaded you mean

Senibo, say the truth

Oyindidi:
Senibo, say the truth

make I talk truth make Devil shame...


You be coolheaded Momma wey hot small

TonyeBarcanista:

Well, make you sha take things easy with oga at the top!

As for your quesstion, there is no woman save my female relatives led by my sweet Mother in whom I am very well pleased

Women drama too many abeg!

What about the one wey dey totori you that time

What about that your Aunt wey we visit that day?

Oyindidi:
What about the one wey dey totori you that time

What about that your Aunt wey we visit that day?

She de very well, wanting me to visit (literally stay for a while in Portharcourt and Okrika).

As for that babe, I don dump myself on her behalf


But which babe be that sef?

TonyeBarcanista:

make I talk truth make Devil shame...


You be coolheaded Momma wey hot small

Gungnir, don't mind Tonye my son

Oyindidi:
Gungnir, don't mind Tonye my son

Like play like play I don enter your Son-zone

TonyeBarcanista:

She de very well, wanting me to visit (literally stay for a while in Portharcourt and Okrika).

As for that babe, I don dump myself on her behalf


But which babe be that sef?

Visit again na, your brother is now a King. The babe wey be dey onboard 2015

Oyindidi:
Visit again na, your brother is now a King. The babe wey be dey onboard 2015

I was 100% babeless in 2015 walai talai (Where is Truckpusher to bail me out?)...

If it were not so I would have told you


As for Ateke, I was in Okrika when he was preparing for his coronation (I literally stayed in Ama), while I visited my people in Town...

Though I crave to return again

Oyindidi:
G, don't mind Tonye my son

I have seen your hot self, by and large, you are mature and tenderhearted. Maybe because you are married.

I still admire that look of yours alot.

Gungnir:


I have seen your hot self, by and large, you are mature and tenderhearted. Maybe because you are married.

I still admire that look of yours alot.

Have you seen my pix before?

cummando:
Perseverance.... That's all I have to say. I see you have some of that. Else you would have long divorced him because A couple of years you complained he snores. Men always want to be in charge of the house...in fact in charge of everything. So I'll say play possum. You'll get a lot of advice from here or anywhere. Fools will say leave him. Morons will say walk away. What I'll stay stay there. If he shouts look at him,dont say a word. Instead say sorry. If he wants something do it fast.If he wants some action give it to him wella. Be the obedient "foolish" wife. Very soon his conscience will come into play.Trust me divorce is not an option. You'll ruin the lives of those kids.Do it for them. Remember nothing good comes easy.

P.s : a recent survey(Jan 2018) shows that 84% of those in Nigeria prisons comes from broken homes.

Yeah, I agree completely. Stay in this marriage until the day you die because happiness and peace of mind is not what you are worthy of. Marriage is more important than your sanity. I would only add one thing. If he spits at you again, say sorry too and then get out your finest lingering and give him mouth action. This way your children will learn to respect themselves also.

Oyindidi:
Have you seen my pix before?

Yup.

Oh guess you don't know, it's blackfyree

You will know when you reach the limit. My advice for you is to get financially, emotionally and physically empowered before then.
What's the worst that could happen if you stay in an unhappy explosive marriage?
What's the worst that would happen in the advent of a divorce?
Consider the extremes of both scenarios and the effects on you and the children.
I know both scenarios don't bode well for the children, but which is the better option? Even for you, which is better?
The answer lies with you, as you alone know the struggles