AdeRational:
@op I feel your pain. I'm a 29 old guy who will be leaving home soon. To all those saying you should allow narcissistic parents control your life just because you'll miss them when they die and to those saying you should stay home wih parents and stay unhappy just because they lost their own parents at 4yrs, I call BS on all that sentimental jargons. Besides it's missing the point. Leaving home or wanting to leave your narcissistic parents doesn't mean you love them any less, it means you're prioritizing your psychological health and fighting for your happiness and personal growth. And frankly speaking, those who lost their parents early in life can't even relate so just read and 'wakapass'. This is not your thread. I will never speak about the experiences of losing my parents at a tender age because I can't relate. Even if my parents die now, I've had them for 29 yrs already. It's different when you lose them early. And don't get me started on traditional African views of 'you have to do what your parents say, no matter...blah blah blah', 'what your parents can see while lying down, you won't see even if you climb a fence'. If our traditional African values are so sancrosanct, why are we stunted as a society?

So I'm 29 and I'm leaving home soon. It's been unbearable up to this point but I had little choice as I was broke and couldn't afford to leave. My parents are of the very religious overbearing, overprotective kind. But that's not even scratching the surface of my pain. Outside we look like the perfect family (I have an elder sister by the way) but inside I suffer a lot largely because of my independent views on everything (my sister is like them). They police my every movement. They pick my friends. I'm not even allowed to get a gf (they want to arrange a girl of their choice for me). I know I'm partly to blame since I allowed it but don't be so hard on me. I grew up in this very suppresive environment and although I knew it wasn't right, I never had the courage to standup for myself because my parents are like 'gods' in my community and I feared being the 'bad sheep' .

Now here's where it gets tricky. I do not rely on parents for anything (only shelter) as everything is a tool of control with them. They are very religious and that's the only thing they care about and how people view them. Growing up, if I don't go to 'church' - no food, if I don't go for evangelism - no food. Everything has to be on their own terms. They only care about religious things. Heck, they didn't even show up to my graduation (the both of them). While in school (Uni) they paid regular visits to me, handed me over to pastors who must give them reports every week. I was not permitted to own an account and must come home every month for my stipend. I was policed at every step of the way. No thanks to their parenting, I grew up to be a socially inept, badly depressed and anxious person. I'm taking therapy online now and getting better and I just have to leave home this year to get even better. I'm treated like a stranger now at home. I'm always in my room. (I run my own online business - freelance writing, cryptocurrency, HR advisement, etc.) I'm asked to drop at least 20 k every month yet I'm not allowed to eat with the family. I still buy my own food. I can afford to pay for rent now and leave home asap. But now in a bid to paint me the 'bad sheep', I was reported to the ministers in the church (like I said my Dad is very high ranking in our religion) to talk sense into me for going out to see a friend who they don't approve of and wanting to leave home now when I'm not married (Can you imagine!!!). They are still trying to paint a good image of the family. I didn't even know what to say and was mostly silent. I worry that If I start talking, I won't stop and will say all manner of things.

Children of narcissistic parents react differently to the treatment. And that's why my sister is different. She's very close to them. She's married now but still says at home instead of renting her own apartment (that's story for another time). She's the queen of the house and dominates while I just have to hide away in my room. She's affected too but is oblivious to this (she's closer to her parents than her husband). She's overly attached to them and gets a better treatment and so they all bully me together.

I'm not angry. I just need to leave to be happy and for peace of mind.

I'll stop ranting now. Sorry guys.
(So may typos...I know. I'm sorry)

Whaaaaaaat did i just read, guy pls can you leave today? tell me you've packed your things, this is not healthy, it can lead to depression and suicide, i'm almost 29 and working but i stay in my parents house and i have 100% freedom, infact they push me to go out sometimes cos i like staying indoors, pls leave that house ASAP


P.S how is your sis still staying with your parents?, what happen to her hubby?, God! she will transfer that attitude to her kids smh

Desirae:
Hello everyone.

I come from a very overprotective and irrational family. I just turned 30, I’m gainfully employed and doing so well in my career.

However, my social life is suffering. Most times I want to spend weekends with friends, or just hang out with colleagues after work, but by 7:00 I’ll already have over 15 calls from my parents asking if I’m on my way home. Yeah, I live with my parents.

Presently, I’ve been searching for an apartment so I would move out of their house. I need my freedom and independence. I feel like I can’t breathe!

Even weekends, when I decide to go out and chill with friends, they ask all manner of questions “who are you doing with, where are you going to, hope you’ll be back before 5”. Seriously! I’m 30 years old! And they’ll be the ones asking why I haven’t brought a husband. Where will I find him? In my office? Or in my bedroom?

The last straw was last week. My best friend lost her mum. When I told my own mum, her response was “oh she has finally died? Ehn, shey she’s been sick. Why do you now want to spend the weekend with her? For what”

I was furious, but I didn’t say a word so I won’t regret anything. How would she feel if her husband died and someone said “oh he’s finally dead?” Even my dad doesn’t help matters! How insensitive could people be?! They seem to forget death is inevitable. And anyone can go at anytime.

I’ve made up my mind to move out this month. I love them, I wish them well, but I can’t do all of this madness with them. I’m done being controlled and told what to do and what not to do. I’m not a kid. Most of my mates have more than 2 children.

I love them, but I’m done!

Are you from Anambra state?

Wagasigiungu:


Hmmn. Typical thoughts of a new age child. So do you think all this chores/tasks you carry out at home has automatically earned you freedom. She has been doing same thing and even much more for you since you were a toddler. You claim you are educated and matured, yet you can't bring yourself to communicate with your parents about your feelings in a respectful and matured manner. You instead chose to come to social media to rant. Is the way a grown up adult acts instead of taking the bull by the horns?

What am i even saying self, biko do what pleases you. It's your life afterall. As you make your bed, so must you lie on it. Happy independence and invite us for house warming ceremony when you eventually get the freedom you are desperately craving and yearning for. I am at least happy you said you ain't wayward but you are gradually setting the way for it if you continue pursuing this your desperate need for freedom.

Guys need to seriously study the psych of their prospective wives. Just imagine this kind reasoning. Later they will say their husbands are too commanding, rigid, Autocratic and draconian. SMH

Seems you're rather too lazy to read and comprehend. Who told you I haven't spoken to them? They are our parents, yes but you should know when your child is matured and responsible enough not to meddle in her affairs. If you don't trust a 24 year old to be responsible for herself then your parenting is questionable. Not saying we shouldn't heed to their advises but parents shouldn't be deciding for their 'adult kids'. I wonder the kind of parent you are/would be. The type that gets his child to do whatever pleases him not minding the child's true innermost desires right? I don't argue online especially over issues like this, I'd nicely ignore you. Happy Sunday.

nkemdi89:

Staying alone is not the solution, when the time for your rightful husband to come, he will, so many men takes advantage of single ladies staying alone, they will always like to use your apartment as a getaway . free food, comfort and sex loading, you just have to be principled enough to stand your ground when living alone, because most men will perceive you as a vulnerable lady who no matter how strong she exhibits will always need a male around her. I am talking from experience because I started living alone since I was 18, your parents knows what they see.

exactly my thought...I have read all comments but yours is what the OP need to watchout for because...... hmmmmm

twosquare:
It's kind of funny at the bolded in this 21st century. What is expected before? Stay with them till someone comes to pick you? Since you have a job, get yourself an apartment like others before me said. You are 30 years old. My fiancée is just minus 2, doing her own business, and she already got her own apartment living alone.

I couldn't agree more with Stallion93 and davep...I don't know what went wrong. Maybe you haven't noticed, if you look at our parents, they were given a free hand by our grand/great-grandparents. Most of them. They may not be literate, but they know that when a child has reached a certain age in their twenties, it is time to be independent, and it is no big deal. It is ironic that it is the supposed educated/literate ones who are messing up with parenting. I still don't understand. Desirae, you just have to free yourself o... No one would do that for you. Naija parents of their generation love to keep children under rather than set free like those before them did.

This is very true!

I'm sure you'll do the RIGHT thing.

When she married, she forced her husband to rent house in the same vicinity where we lived. It didn't even feel like she got married as she was coming home every single weekday and on weekends. (I already mentuoned her extremely tight relationship with our parents). One year into the marriage, her husband was transferred to another state (I have a feeling he did this on purpose). So after that, my sister just decided to move back to my parent's home which kind of make sense (in a weird way) as even while away she was coming home everyday. It's almost 2 years and she still lives with us. The husband comes home on some weekend. They have a son now.

Sometimes I feel like I was adopted...lol(even though I know I wasn't)

Biglittlelois:



Whaaaaaaat did i just read, guy pls can you leave today? tell me you've packed your things, this is not healthy, it can lead to depression and suicide, i'm almost 29 and working but i stay in my parents house and i have 100% freedom, infact they push me to go out sometimes cos i like staying indoors, pls leave that house ASAP


P.S how is your sis still staying with your parents?, what happen to her hubby?, God! she will transfer that attitude to her kids smh

AreaFada2:


Look, most of the educated parents who left villages or semi-rural areas to bigger towns early in life got their freedom early. Just like you mentioned. Their time was a libertarian one. From the 1960s upwards. In that time many were up to no good and made mistakes while being students or young employees in the cities. Despite regaling you with stories of how decent they were, most actually weren't.

I have been shocked lately to find out just how many of the women got married because they got pregnant in the mid 1960s to 1980s! Those still alive are now about 55 to 75 years old. I thought pregnancy out of wedlock was VERY rare back then. It wasn't.

So many parents have secret regrets from own mistakes. They are trying to ensure their children do not do same.

It might seem hypocritical to expect you to keep very high standards they couldn't back then. But maybe they believe their own parents failed them through inadequate guidance. And they do not want to do same.

We are lately also in an era of conservative religious revival. The opinions of church members/clergy matter once again to parents.

They are basically trying to live the "perfect" life through their children. The result is parents becoming over-protective.

OP should make it clear that she wants to be close to her place of work if possible. Or any such half-way plausible excuse. They will be riled by it initially but will ultimately accept it.

This your point is another perspective to the issue of strict parenting... You're either experienced or wise!

Desirae:
Hello everyone.

I come from a very overprotective and irrational family. I just turned 30, I’m gainfully employed and doing so well in my career.

However, my social life is suffering. Most times I want to spend weekends with friends, or just hang out with colleagues after work, but by 7:00 I’ll already have over 15 calls from my parents asking if I’m on my way home. Yeah, I live with my parents.

Presently, I’ve been searching for an apartment so I would move out of their house. I need my freedom and independence. I feel like I can’t breathe!

Even weekends, when I decide to go out and chill with friends, they ask all manner of questions “who are you doing with, where are you going to, hope you’ll be back before 5”. Seriously! I’m 30 years old! And they’ll be the ones asking why I haven’t brought a husband. Where will I find him? In my office? Or in my bedroom?

The last straw was last week. My best friend lost her mum. When I told my own mum, her response was “oh she has finally died? Ehn, shey she’s been sick. Why do you now want to spend the weekend with her? For what”

I was furious, but I didn’t say a word so I won’t regret anything. How would she feel if her husband died and someone said “oh he’s finally dead?” Even my dad doesn’t help matters! How insensitive could people be?! They seem to forget death is inevitable. And anyone can go at anytime.

I’ve made up my mind to move out this month. I love them, I wish them well, but I can’t do all of this madness with them. I’m done being controlled and told what to do and what not to do. I’m not a kid. Most of my mates have more than 2 children.

I love them, but I’m done!

No, you are not overreacting but don't move out of that house. They love you and you love them but they don't understand and trust you enough to be able to handle the situation that single ladies of your age face.
Firstly, living under your parents and allowing your friends and who to life partner to visit you in your parents' house may be help in maintaining a responsible future life partner though it never a guarantee of such. It allows your parents assess them and give appropriate advice. Bet me those parents especially the mother are "witch and prophets", they have some instinct or spirits that sense dangers that is decades ahead. Ooh, they won't allow them in? That's very simple...

... Sit them down and discuss with them from the own perspective (I assume you have not done this or you do it wrongly). Tell them, I know you love me, you want me to be a responsible future wife and husband that will had more time for the husband and children than friends and parties (I assumed that will be the reason for their "over protection", as you may see it)... I know all these and assured you.... (give them assurance and display convincing attitudes and actions to increase their confidence that you can MATURELY handle the life situation of single ladies with good job...). After assurance, let them to know what you really don't about their actions which tends to see you as that old secondary school girl... you possibly can give them your expectations of you from them... more more things but the overall is trust your caring and loving parents, discuss you likes/dislikes with them, and have open dialogue with them on your relationship, friends and outing... You discover how much water will runs from your eyes during the "-day".

Best of all good lucks to you.

Wagasigiungu:


Orisirisi something!!! Wonders shall never end. My people say who get cap no get head and who get head no get cap!!! Pls OP desist from using that word- despise- on your parents. There are literally millions of people desperately wishing they could have the love, attention and care (albeit suffocating according to you) of their parents, but alas, this can never be!!!!

Some don't even know their parents, some have lost theirs to the cold hands of death, some were never shown such love by their parents. The list is endless.

What am i driving at- appreciate what you have and look for a nice way to let them know how you feel. They obviously want the best and are looking out for you. How would you feel if you become a parent in future and your kids say such things about you?


[Addition] How would you feel if your future husband you love so much stays out very late into the night and you voice out your concerns for his late nights (out of love and care of course), but he sees it as you nagging and suffocating him with your actions (note that a spouse's love is very very minimal compared to that of parents IMO)

You are a very lucky person, you just don't realize it yet. As humans, we never appreciate what we have until we loose it (i pray this isn't your portion though)

A word, they say is enough for the wise!!!

It still doesn't give them the right to hold her captive or hostage.

They will start pressuring her about getting married. How??

Parents should be loving and caring but should respect boundaries and limits.

Their child is an adult and has her own life to live,decisions and choices to make.

They need to respect that and simply offer guidance and advice. But not to monitor her life.

destinyy23:
This comment is kinda annoying. Now listen, I have excessively domineering parents, I do all the cooking, cleaning etc at home(my mum hardly does all that when I'm around) but why can't I just have some freedom? Not like I'm wayward or something. They don't care if you're happy with what they tryna impose on you. What do you call that?

My comment must be annoying because that's not what the youth want to hear,they like comments like:tell your parents that you are no longer a kid;pack your load and leave the house;shout back at them;ignore them.Listen,if your mind is closed because of peer group influence,which is one of the problem of the youth,you will never see anything good in what your parents does to you,what do you mean by freedom:to leave the home in the morning and cones back the next day;telling your parents what to do;breaking the rules and routine in your home, in the name if seeking for freedom,No sane parents Will contain that.

coputa:
My comment must be annoying because that's not what the youth want to hear,they like comments like:tell your parents that you are no longer a kid;pack your load and leave the house;shout back at them;ignore them.Listen,if your mind is closed because of peer group influence,which is one of the problem of the youth,you will never see anything good in what your parents does to you,what do you mean by freedom:to leave the home in the morning and cones back the next day;telling your parents what to do;breaking the rules and routine in your home, in the name if seeking for freedom,No sane parents Will contain that.

I see. They are caring by admonishing you not to have male friends, choose for you who to date and still question you when you don't have a spouse at 30? Sounds cool, yeah?

destinyy23:
I see. They are caring by admonishing you not to have male friends, choose for you who to date and still question you when you don't have a spouse at 30? Sounds cool, yeah?

They only guide you:they never chooses for you.Running after male friends is not a sure fire guarantee to marriage,you are only trying to make yourself susceptible to men.Be reserved and your inheritance will locate you.

PrimadonnaO:


I hope you've realised now that you need a woman you can live with. Your wife should be pleasing to you first....Not your mum.

I am still searching and at this rate I care less of what she might think of her if I find the right person.

AdeRational:
@op I feel your pain. I'm a 29 old guy who will be leaving home soon. To all those saying you should allow narcissistic parents control your life just because you'll miss them when they die and to those saying you should stay home wih parents and stay unhappy just because they lost their own parents at 4yrs, I call BS on all that sentimental jargons. Besides it's missing the point. Leaving home or wanting to leave your narcissistic parents doesn't mean you love them any less, it means you're prioritizing your psychological health and fighting for your happiness and personal growth. And frankly speaking, those who lost their parents early in life can't even relate so just read and 'wakapass'. This is not your thread. I will never speak about the experiences of losing my parents at a tender age because I can't relate. Even if my parents die now, I've had them for 29 yrs already. It's different when you lose them early. And don't get me started on traditional African views of 'you have to do what your parents say, no matter...blah blah blah', 'what your parents can see while lying down, you won't see even if you climb a fence'. If our traditional African values are so sancrosanct, why are we stunted as a society?

So I'm 29 and I'm leaving home soon. It's been unbearable up to this point but I had little choice as I was broke and couldn't afford to leave. My parents are of the very religious overbearing, overprotective kind. But that's not even scratching the surface of my pain. Outside we look like the perfect family (I have an elder sister by the way) but inside I suffer a lot largely because of my independent views on everything (my sister is like them). They police my every movement. They pick my friends. I'm not even allowed to get a gf (they want to arrange a girl of their choice for me). I know I'm partly to blame since I allowed it but don't be so hard on me. I grew up in this very suppresive environment and although I knew it wasn't right, I never had the courage to standup for myself because my parents are like 'gods' in my community and I feared being the 'bad sheep' .

Now here's where it gets tricky. I do not rely on parents for anything (only shelter) as everything is a tool of control with them. They are very religious and that's the only thing they care about and how people view them. Growing up, if I don't go to 'church' - no food, if I don't go for evangelism - no food. Everything has to be on their own terms. They only care about religious things. Heck, they didn't even show up to my graduation (the both of them). While in school (Uni) they paid regular visits to me, handed me over to pastors who must give them reports every week. I was not permitted to own an account and must come home every month for my stipend. I was policed at every step of the way. No thanks to their parenting, I grew up to be a socially inept, badly depressed and anxious person. I'm taking therapy online now and getting better and I just have to leave home this year to get even better. I'm treated like a stranger now at home. I'm always in my room. (I run my own online business - freelance writing, cryptocurrency, HR advisement, etc.) I'm asked to drop at least 20 k every month yet I'm not allowed to eat with the family. I still buy my own food. I can afford to pay for rent now and leave home asap. But now in a bid to paint me the 'bad sheep', I was reported to the ministers in the church (like I said my Dad is very high ranking in our religion) to talk sense into me for going out to see a friend who they don't approve of and wanting to leave home now when I'm not married (Can you imagine!!!). They are still trying to paint a good image of the family. I didn't even know what to say and was mostly silent. I worry that If I start talking, I won't stop and will say all manner of things.

Children of narcissistic parents react differently to the treatment. And that's why my sister is different. She's very close to them. She's married now but still says at home instead of renting her own apartment (that's story for another time). She's the queen of the house and dominates while I just have to hide away in my room. She's affected too but is oblivious to this (she's closer to her parents than her husband). She's overly attached to them and gets a better treatment and so they all bully me together.

I'm not angry. I just need to leave to be happy and for peace of mind.

I'll stop ranting now. Sorry guys.
(So may typos...I know. I'm sorry)

Dafaq

Did you go to private university?

the best thing is to leave the house since you have a good job.....but get a cheap single room if possible so that you can manage the expenses and would not have to go back to them......



most ladies who are not married at age 30 are lesbians or feminist....but from what you have said i do not think that you are a feminist....because in africa it backfires..........i hope you are not one of them.........


most times parents do this out of love....believe me the love that parents have for their children is so deep....you will not be able to understand it unless you are a mother or father yourself.......parents just want to protect their children...but most times in doing so they forget that you are an adult and still see you as a baby......


move out but do not be angry with them.....

I did

chloride6:


Dafaq

Did you go to private university?

AdeRational:
I did

Thats half of the reason why.

If you went to a public university, you wont take that shit after 200 level.

Yeah. Maybe. Like I said it's been this way before I got into Uni. By the time I even got into Uni, I was already broken and damaged. I was a badly depressed teenager (18) who at that point had lost hope and had stopped caring about life. Every other thing they did was just a nail in the
already made coffin. I didn't know who to talk to and didn't know if there was any solution. Thinking about all that past still gets me very down.

Just happy I'm getting help now. I recognize now their pattern of behaviour for what it is - Narcissistic, Possessive. Therapy has helped greatly. At least I'm no longer constantly angry and confused everyday like I used to be. The next step in my healing is leaving home.

chloride6:


Thats half of the reason why.

If you went to a public university, you wont take that shit after 200 level.

Desirae:
Hello everyone.

I come from a very overprotective and irrational family. I just turned 30, I’m gainfully employed and doing so well in my career.

However, my social life is suffering. Most times I want to spend weekends with friends, or just hang out with colleagues after work, but by 7:00 I’ll already have over 15 calls from my parents asking if I’m on my way home. Yeah, I live with my parents.

Presently, I’ve been searching for an apartment so I would move out of their house. I need my freedom and independence. I feel like I can’t breathe!

Even weekends, when I decide to go out and chill with friends, they ask all manner of questions “who are you doing with, where are you going to, hope you’ll be back before 5”. Seriously! I’m 30 years old! And they’ll be the ones asking why I haven’t brought a husband. Where will I find him? In my office? Or in my bedroom?

The last straw was last week. My best friend lost her mum. When I told my own mum, her response was “oh she has finally died? Ehn, shey she’s been sick. Why do you now want to spend the weekend with her? For what”

I was furious, but I didn’t say a word so I won’t regret anything. How would she feel if her husband died and someone said “oh he’s finally dead?” Even my dad doesn’t help matters! How insensitive could people be?! They seem to forget death is inevitable. And anyone can go at anytime.

I’ve made up my mind to move out this month. I love them, I wish them well, but I can’t do all of this madness with them. I’m done being controlled and told what to do and what not to do. I’m not a kid. Most of my mates have more than 2 children.

I love them, but I’m done!

At least your parents don't make plans for you like mine do. My parents would make plan and tell me about it after, then become upset when i inform them I have plans. Their standard line being 'Kids of now days, in our time...'

AdeRational:
Yeah. Maybe. Like I said it's been this way before I got into Uni. By the time I even got into Uni, I was already broken and damaged. I was a badly depressed teenager (18) who at that point had lost hope and had stopped caring about life. Every other thing they did was just a nail in the
already made coffin. I didn't know who to talk to and didn't know if there was any solution. Thinking about all that past still gets me very down.

Just happy I'm getting help now. I recognize now their pattern of behaviour for what it is - Narcissistic, Possessive. Therapy has helped greatly. At least I'm no longer constantly angry and confused everyday like I used to be. The next step in my healing is leaving home.

Well , i wish you the best of luck in your journey. But sometimes you have to tell people to fuc.k off.

sinaj:
At least u'll have ur sanity back nd will have the chance to meet people nd hang out too.
Parents drive their children to depression atimes without knowing that.

Nigerian parents are no1 in this aspect.

karika2018:
the best thing is to leave the house since you have a good job.....but get a cheap single room if possible so that you can manage the expenses and would not have to go back to them......



most ladies who are not married at age 30 are lesbians or feminist....but from what you have said i do not think that you are a feminist....because in africa it backfires..........i hope you are not one of them.........


most times parents do this out of love....believe me the love that parents have for their children is sodeep....you will not be able to understand it unless you are a mother or father yourself.......parents just want to protect their children...but most times in doing so they forget that you are an adult and still see you as a baby......


move out but do not be angry with them.....

Someone that doesn't have any serious issues with the parent should move out of the home to rent a small apartment simply because she wants freedom:to flirt with men;to lead a loose life without control.No wonder the rate of divorce is alarmingly high,because they will do same to their husband by not submitting to him and eventually pack out to seek for Freedom.

Most ladies your age are already on their own.Move out if you like but don't despise your parents as they can only give what they have. However i'm kind of more worried with the insensitive comment your mum made about your friend's mother death. To be sincere you shouldnt have ignored her,that was an opportunity to call her to order. I was in SS1 when an elder aunt made a stupid statement about my best friend,i tell you she was really sorry.

Thanks for all the responses, both negative and positive.

The truth is, I have made up my mind to sever ties with them for now. Maybe later on, something could work out. But right now, I’d rather leave that toxic and controlling environment.

The last straw was the comment made and I doubt I’ll be able to forgive her for that.

coputa:
Someone that doesn't have any serious issues with the parent should move out of the home to rent a small apartment simply because she wants freedom:to flirt with men;to lead a loose life without control.No wonder the rate of divorce is alarmingly high,because they will do same to their husband by not submitting to him and eventually pack out to seek for Freedom.

What rubbish are you spewing? Who’s talking about flirting with men? If ou have nothing smart to say, don’t comment at all.

Desirae:
Thanks for all the responses, both negative and positive.

The truth is, I have made up my mind to sever ties with them for now. Maybe later on, something could work out. But right now, I’d rather leave that toxic and controlling environment.

The last straw was the comment made and I doubt I’ll be able to forgive her for that.

Good decision

.

I love them, but I’m done!



[/quote]

If you aren't busy this holiday, could we meet if you stay in Lagos? My email is acehartuk@yahoo.co.uk. I'm sorry if this embarrasses you

jfkenny:

u need to hear my story. u ain't alone ..there are many suffering same.

you can share it you know. We could learn one or few things from it

AdeRational:
@op I feel your pain. I'm a 29 old guy who will be leaving home soon. To all those saying you should allow narcissistic parents control your life just because you'll miss them when they die and to those saying you should stay home wih parents and stay unhappy just because they lost their own parents at 4yrs, I call BS on all that sentimental jargons. Besides it's missing the point. Leaving home or wanting to leave your narcissistic parents doesn't mean you love them any less, it means you're prioritizing your psychological health and fighting for your happiness and personal growth. And frankly speaking, those who lost their parents early in life can't even relate so just read and 'wakapass'. This is not your thread. I will never speak about the experiences of losing my parents at a tender age because I can't relate. Even if my parents die now, I've had them for 29 yrs already. It's different when you lose them early. And don't get me started on traditional African views of 'you have to do what your parents say, no matter...blah blah blah', 'what your parents can see while lying down, you won't see even if you climb a fence'. If our traditional African values are so sancrosanct, why are we stunted as a society?

So I'm 29 and I'm leaving home soon. It's been unbearable up to this point but I had little choice as I was broke and couldn't afford to leave. My parents are of the very religious overbearing, overprotective kind. But that's not even scratching the surface of my pain. Outside we look like the perfect family (I have an elder sister by the way) but inside I suffer a lot largely because of my independent views on everything (my sister is like them). They police my every movement. They pick my friends. I'm not even allowed to get a gf (they want to arrange a girl of their choice for me). I know I'm partly to blame since I allowed it but don't be so hard on me. I grew up in this very suppresive environment and although I knew it wasn't right, I never had the courage to standup for myself because my parents are like 'gods' in my community and I feared being the 'bad sheep' .

Now here's where it gets tricky. I do not rely on parents for anything (only shelter) as everything is a tool of control with them. They are very religious and that's the only thing they care about and how people view them. Growing up, if I don't go to 'church' - no food, if I don't go for evangelism - no food. Everything has to be on their own terms. They only care about religious things. Heck, they didn't even show up to my graduation (the both of them). While in school (Uni) they paid regular visits to me, handed me over to pastors who must give them reports every week. I was not permitted to own an account and must come home every month for my stipend. I was policed at every step of the way. No thanks to their parenting, I grew up to be a socially inept, badly depressed and anxious person. I'm taking therapy online now and getting better and I just have to leave home this year to get even better. I'm treated like a stranger now at home. I'm always in my room. (I run my own online business - freelance writing, cryptocurrency, HR advisement, etc.) I'm asked to drop at least 20 k every month yet I'm not allowed to eat with the family. I still buy my own food. I can afford to pay for rent now and leave home asap. But now in a bid to paint me the 'bad sheep', I was reported to the ministers in the church (like I said my Dad is very high ranking in our religion) to talk sense into me for going out to see a friend who they don't approve of and wanting to leave home now when I'm not married (Can you imagine!!!). They are still trying to paint a good image of the family. I didn't even know what to say and was mostly silent. I worry that If I start talking, I won't stop and will say all manner of things.

Children of narcissistic parents react differently to the treatment. And that's why my sister is different. She's very close to them. She's married now but still says at home instead of renting her own apartment (that's story for another time). She's the queen of the house and dominates while I just have to hide away in my room. She's affected too but is oblivious to this (she's closer to her parents than her husband). She's overly attached to them and gets a better treatment and so they all bully me together.

I'm not angry. I just need to leave to be happy and for peace of mind.

I'll stop ranting now. Sorry guys.
(So may typos...I know. I'm sorry)

while reading this piece,i was wondering the kinda job u do to have been able to write this impressively, but then,i saw where you said you're a freelance writer and I wasnt surprised.
I must confess, your parents went too far when you were to come home monthly for your stipends coupled with monitoring spirits everywhere, omo you really try oo.
You'll be fine though coz u knw what's best for u.takia

I’ve made up my mind to move out this month. I love them, I wish them well, but I can’t do all of this madness with them. I’m done being controlled and told what to do and what not to do. I’m not a kid. Most of my mates have more than 2 children.

I love them, but I’m done!

I Love your bold step. I'm proud of you!

Hello everyone.

I come from a very overprotective and irrational family. I just turned 30, I’m gainfully employed and doing so well in my career.

However, my social life is suffering. Most times I want to spend weekends with friends, or just hang out with colleagues after work, but by 7:00 I’ll already have over 15 calls from my parents asking if I’m on my way home. Yeah, I live with my parents.

Presently, I’ve been searching for an apartment so I would move out of their house. I need my freedom and independence. I feel like I can’t breathe!

Even weekends, when I decide to go out and chill with friends, they ask all manner of questions “who are you doing with, where are you going to, hope you’ll be back before 5”. Seriously! I’m 30 years old! And they’ll be the ones asking why I haven’t brought a husband. Where will I find him? In my office? Or in my bedroom?

The last straw was last week. My best friend lost her mum. When I told my own mum, her response was “oh she has finally died? Ehn, shey she’s been sick. Why do you now want to spend the weekend with her? For what”

I was furious, but I didn’t say a word so I won’t regret anything. How would she feel if her husband died and someone said “oh he’s finally dead?” Even my dad doesn’t help matters! How insensitive could people be?! They seem to forget death is inevitable. And anyone can go at anytime.

I’ve made up my mind to move out this month. I love them, I wish them well, but I can’t do all of this madness with them. I’m done being controlled and told what to do and what not to do. I’m not a kid. Most of my mates have more than 2 children.

I love them, but I’m done!

Hi OP

Did you eventually leave?