Your woman has to learn to respect your decisions and disagree constructively and in a wise manner and not fighting or arguing over it.

However, you will need to involve her in decision making. You will be the head but you can't just make decisions individually and expect her to go with it.

You mentioned the marriage being only court. Did you discuss it with her? It is her wedding too.
They way you broach a matter contributes to it. If you always use veto power, she will always fight it.

Both of you are supposed to be a team with you as the leader. So work as a team.

ImaIma1:
Your woman has to learn to respect your decisions and disagree constructively and in a wise manner and not fighting ir arguing over it.

However, you will need to involve her in decision making. You will be the head but you can't just make decisions individually and expect her to go with it.

You mentioned the marriage being only court. Did you discuss it with her? It is her wedding too.
They way you broach a matter contributes to it. If you always use veto power, she will always fight it.

Both of you are supposed to be a team with you as the leader. So work as a team.

Thank you.

@OP

Believe you me, if you fail to eschew this your wack thought process "men and women are not equal in marriage but partners" both in words and actions, you can never have peace in marriage with an enlightened, sane and productive woman.

Embrace egalitarianism. Egalitarianism, however, doesn't mean absence of segregation - it still recognizes a man as first between his equal, woman, in marriage (but it abhors subjugation in any guise and form). When you understand this, you'll see the need not to be unconscientious towards her. And, of course, with a conscientious disposition at all times you'll always command her respect, which you long for. Be a leader not a ruler. Domineeringness is a vice - learn to dominate where and when necessary without being domineering.

For now, she simply need to discard her presumptuous attribute just as I stated earlier on this thread. What both of you are suffering from are psychological vices and they're easy to overcome. Assuming that they're moral and emotional vices I'd have tell you to forget about marriage with her.

However, if you in particular have no intention to drop your quoted thought process then better look elsewhere for another woman, one without mental soundness, a feeble-minded woman. The change should start with you.

LordKO:
@OP

Believe you me, if you failed to eschew this your wack thought process "men and women are not equal in marriage but partners" both in words and actions, you can never have peace in marriage with an enlightened, sane and productive woman.

Embrace egalitarianism. Egalitarianism however doesn't mean absence of segregation - it still recognizes a man as first between his equal, woman, in marriage (but it abhors subjugation in any guise and form). When you understand this, you'll see the need not to be unconscientious towards her. And, of course, with a conscientious disposition at all times you'll always command her respect, which you long for. Be a leader not a ruler. Domineeringness is a vice - learn to dominate where and when necessary without being domineering.

For now, she simply need to discard her presumptuous attribute just as I stated earlier on this thread. What both of you are suffering from are psychological vices and they're easy to overcome. Assuming that they're moral and emotional vices I'd have tell you to forget about marriage with her.

However, if you in particular have no intention to drop your quoted thought process then better look elsewhere for another woman, one without mental soundness, a feeble-minded woman. The change should start with you.

I appreciate your input, ofcourse I am willing to accomodate my prospective wife and give her a voice, the problem has always been women. I have found out they mostly do not know where to draw the line. Like someone stated, we must set out with that understanding that though we are partners, we are not equals.

If we get into a situation where we have to make a judgement call and we both have different opinions who will make the decision. These kind of things have torn homes especially when both partners stuck to their guns.

I know my view might be viewed as being patriarchal but marriage is patriarchal, I mean christian marriage is.

This is a rather sensitive and tricky subject, I am enlightened enough to know better than to subjugate a
woman however, I need my partner to willingly and happily consent that I make the judgement calls. This definitely
may not sit well with most "politically correct" folks but there is a reason why our parents had longer lasting marriages
than this present generation.

The issue with the both of you remains conceitedness (no insult intended), as I'd earlier pointed out - a domineering man vs a presumptuous woman.

I still insist that until you as a man eschew domineeringness both in words and actions, and she eschew presumptuousness both in words and actions too, balance can never occur.

When you embrace this change as a man and become a libertarian, you'll automatically start to be conscientious in relating with her. And this will earn you her respect - so long as she embraced her own change too. As a leader, there's no how you'll command the respect (not fear) of a sane woman (person) without her according you the right of "judgment call" - even at that, being her leader won't mean you should discard her opinion where it's superior to yours. So, ask yourself; why is it that you don't command her maximum volitional respect? I don't want to believe that you're putting up with an insane woman all this while. . . no sane man will do.

As per your comparison of marriage of the yore and the present generation, unless you're not ready to tell yourself truth, the difference is in the power of emancipation. Only a domineering man will antagonize women emancipation.

Guitarlife:


I appreciate your input, ofcourse I am willing to accomodate my prospective wife and give her a voice, the problem has always been women. I have found out they mostly do not know where to draw the line. Like someone stated, we must set out with that understanding that though we are partners, we are not equals.

If we get into a situation where we have to make a judgement call and we both have different opinions who will make the decision. These kind of things have torn homes especially when both partners stuck to their guns.

I know my view might be viewed as being patriarchal but marriage is patriarchal, I mean christian marriage is.

This is a rather sensitive and tricky subject, I am enlightened enough to know better than to subjugate a
woman however, I need my partner to willingly and happily consent that I make the judgement calls. This definitely
may not sit well with most "politically correct" folks but there is a reason why our parents had longer lasting marriages
than this present generation.

Men like you are the reason why i want to puke, you can't have this mindset and will have a peaceful marriage with this intended lady, it will be very hard cos in the process, she may lost herself. I believe you should Just let her go, go to the village, look 4 those girls that are semi-literate, trained by grandma. those are the types you need because they will never question you, moreover you are not looking 4 a wife but maid with this your igboitic african mentality cos only illiterate/educated illiterate igbo behave this way.
Take care

Guitarlife:


I appreciate your input, ofcourse I am willing to accomodate my prospective wife and give her a voice, the problem has always been women. I have found out they mostly do not know where to draw the line. Like someone stated, we must set out with that understanding that though we are partners, we are not equals.

If we get into a situation where we have to make a judgement call and we both have different opinions who will make the decision. These kind of things have torn homes especially when both partners stuck to their guns.

I know my view might be viewed as being patriarchal but marriage is patriarchal, I mean christian marriage is.

This is a rather sensitive and tricky subject, I am enlightened enough to know better than to subjugate a
woman however, I need my partner to willingly and happily consent that I make the judgement calls. This definitely
may not sit well with most "politically correct" folks but there is a reason why our parents had longer lasting marriages
than this present generation.

Decisions need to be made together. I also see a communication breach here. Communication is very very important. Carry her along in your planning.

As long as you see yourself as one, you cannot do anything without your other half. How can you proceed without the other half of your body? Don't see it as a battle for supremacy. You are the husband and she is the wife...two different roles.

You are the head...the leader not the boss. There is a difference between a boss and a leader. A boss says "go" but a leader says "let's go".

And if your wife to be is the stubborn type and doesn't listen to you or respect you, you need to sort that out now to know whether to proceed with marriage or not.

kimbraa:
Do you know what your problem is? You're simply incorrigible. What you want is a woman that won't question your decisions 'cause if you ask me, I don't see an issue here. It's not like she insults you based on the narrative but that she always question your decisions and you pick offence in her doing so.

And just so you know, it's fiancée.

I believe he wants a woman that will support his decision, he believes in equity not equality and that African men do. Mind you, men are decision maker which means women should learn in all humility

LordKO:
@OP

Believe you me, if you failed to eschew this your wack thought process "men and women are not equal in marriage but partners" both in words and actions, you can never have peace in marriage with an enlightened, sane and productive woman.

Embrace egalitarianism. Egalitarianism, however, doesn't mean absence of segregation - it still recognizes a man as first between his equal, woman, in marriage (but it abhors subjugation in any guise and form). When you understand this, you'll see the need not to be unconscientious towards her. And, of course, with a conscientious disposition at all times you'll always command her respect, which you long for. Be a leader not a ruler. Domineeringness is a vice - learn to dominate where and when necessary without being domineering.

For now, she simply need to discard her presumptuous attribute just as I stated earlier on this thread. What both of you are suffering from are psychological vices and they're easy to overcome. Assuming that they're moral and emotional vices I'd have tell you to forget about marriage with her.

However, if you in particular have no intention to drop your quoted thought process then better look elsewhere for another woman, one without mental soundness, a feeble-minded woman. The change should start with you.

God bless you. I always advise couples who are about to get married to not start what they can't manage... Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endure

Exactly-And in essence, men and women are equal players in marriage.

Femmywilliams:

God bless you. I always advise couples who are about to get married to not start what they can't manage... Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endure

[quote author=Guitarlife post=67562160]

To the objective critiques I appreciate your time and effort.

Gallant12:


Am so happy I stumbled upon this thread, this somehow caused a problem between I and my hubby, am glad I have gotten a perfect description of how my husband feels most at times. Am the very always vocal lady, my husband gave a helping hands when he literally allowed me to handle most affairs that if he doesn't here from me first on any issue be it office or anywhere everything will be on standstill. Very easy going man until his elder brother got a wind of how my husband values me and things went upside down. Maybe after receiving lectures on how to be a standardized African man with roots and culture and boommm!!! But God being so good the wheels are being controlled. Me I sat myself down and advised myself and adjusted. any decision he takes I will always adhere and accept without questions, once it turns negative, he will come back to seek for mine I will always assure him to make another one that it might work out this time. I made myself a ghost in terms of certain things, I always call every minute to ask what do I do in most cases, at a point he got fed up, will always tell me to do whatever I like.
Now where am I going to??
Op 1). you have a wife that can never be intimidated
2). You have a wife that can always stand out and will always be honest.
3). You have a wife that will always be on her toes for the family
4). You have a wife that can and will always handle the family in your absence, stand for the kids in school or anywhere parents attention are needed.

My husband carries me like an egg especially now he is in Northeast, he is a major in Nigerian army. You won't understand this now but later you will. It didn't cost me of my respect for him,it never did and will never do
so what is left for you is to get your wife understand how a woman she is making you and she trying to make the position of a husband but believe me, you are on the road to loosing some flavor off her.
Good luck. I hope you won't be an autocratic husband.

Sorry for the "wife" I was using lol.

@bolded men are not interested in having a fighter in the home. We just want someone who can give us peace and respect.

Hmm

Please don’t waste your time advising him. I pray he will just end the relationship with the poor woman so he can safe her from unnecessary years of pain.

Gallant12:


#Smiles

I wonder where the fighter is??
Use whichever hand you want or better still why not create your own type of woman with your hands. The hand yu wish to use in your marriage won't take you anywhere. Mark my words, not in this generation, it would have worked for you if it were to be in the olden days but in this era sorry guy, oppression and suppression is a killer. I hope your wife is wise enough.

My take is this, the issue is not what where ot=r how she coorrects you, the issue is that she does not respect your authourity. But only one thing I can say is that, once you marry her, things are going to get worse. Read my story

https://www.nairaland.com/4447411/wife-finally-moved and

https://www.nairaland.com/4457718/update-wife-finally-moved

Guitarlife:


@bolded men are not interested in having a fighter in the home. We just want someone who can give us peace and respect.

True in a way.

Sighs.
It's well.

Op think carefully, weigh your actions and hers. Then ask yourself, can you handle and live amicably with your fiancee, as she is for the rest of life ?
If your answer is No? Then please no need wasting each of your time.. Breakup amicably and I bet you, even in town u will meet the kind of qualities u desire in a wife, although such women are not everywhere but at least if u are cautious and watchful u will meet such lady, and she will even be a professional in her field of Career. It's not only in the village ,such ladies exist.

Don't despair, be patient and take a decisive step. It's well.

Pricelessangel0:
Men like you are the reason why i want to puke, you can't have this mindset and will have a peaceful marriage with this intended lady, it will be very hard cos in the process, she may lost herself. I believe you should Just let her go, go to the village, look 4 those girls that are semi-literate, trained by grandma. those are the types you need because they will never question you, moreover you are not looking 4 a wife but maid with this your igboitic african mentality cos only illiterate/educated illiterate igbo behave this way.
Take care

Abeg stop this afonjastic nonsense. The OP is Yoruba. So you can place his archaic mindset waaaay over there, away from Igbo people.

Pricelessangel0:
Men like you are the reason why i want to puke, you can't have this mindset and will have a peaceful marriage with this intended lady, it will be very hard cos in the process, she may lost herself. I believe you should Just let her go, go to the village, look 4 those girls that are semi-literate, trained by grandma. those are the types you need because they will never question you, moreover you are not looking 4 a wife but maid with this your igboitic african mentality cos only illiterate/educated illiterate igbo behave this way.
Take care

The fact that a man is the head of the home is strange to you ?
Are you married ? If my prospective wife cannot respect me enough to trust my judgement and accept the consequence with contentment when they go bad then then marriage will be a battle field.

If the wife wants to make herself heard she has to do it with wisdom because the fact that the husband is making an error of judgement does not stop him from being the husband and the head.

It doesnt give the woman the right to berate and lampoon him.

Even if a man is a cleaner at work he must be the chairman of his own local government(his home).

By the way my fiancee is abroad and yes I have broken up the relationship once but we found a way to mend issues. I broke it up as a result of these same fears of subtle lack of respect but she came back and because I truely love her I took her back and made efforts to work it out.

I have made her understand the type of man that I am. I assured her I will work hard to protect her and also fight for the best for our family and even if I ere sometimes she needs wisdom to manage things then.

She is the best woman but it seems she still doesnt understand or cant comprehend these intricate husband-wife concept and I might have to count my teeth with my tongue sooner.

Guitarlife:

The fact that a man is the head of the home is strange to you ?
Are you married ? If my prospective wife cannot respect me enough to trust my judgement and accept the consequence with contentment when they go bad then then marriage will be a battle field.

If the wife wants to make herself heard she has to do it with wisdom because the fact that the husband is making an error of judgement does not stop him from being the husband and the head.

It doesnt give the woman the right to berate and lampoon him.

Even if a man is a cleaner at work he must be the chairman of his own local government(his home).

By the way my fiancee is abroad and yes I have broken up the relationship once but we found a way to mend issues. I broke it up as a result of these same fears of subtle lack of respect but she came back and because I truely love her I took her back and made efforts to work it out.

I have made her understand the type of man that I am. I assured her I will work hard to protect her and also fight for the best for our family and even if I ere sometimes she needs wisdom to manage things then.

She is the best woman but it seems she still doesnt understand or cant comprehend these intricate husband-wife concept and I might have to count my teeth with my tongue sooner.

You want to subjugate an enlightened lady who have tasted life with your wacked African mentality. E no go work for you sir. Free the girl please and find yourself a village girl with the same mindset as yours cos the type of lady you envisioned to marry have all gone extinct.
Both of you will bore each other to death and will never know when to call a truce. Every decision will always be at an impasse. Ladies are not backing down with the enlightenment and empowerment going on. In the olden days, women literally depends on their husbands for everything which made their words law and every decision is deferred to the man but now things have change and Africa men can either continue to live in the cave or move along with reality.

@Guitarlife, hope you know respect is reciprocal, and they varies? I will just plead with you to just remove this mentality from your mindset cos inasmuch as it is there, you wil never be satisfied and you will always see her words as disresectful and if you go into the union like this, she wouln't be free as she wouln't know what she will say that you will term insult. Thats why friendship is important in a union, you cant marry your friend and be rigid with her
For me, i can't date a guy that we see me this, it woulnt help my self esteem, i have been there b4 and it was a joyous story to tell, i will respect you but you and make you the head but i wouln't make you my god

You guys have very different personalities which would be difficult if you decide to continue. In marriage and in life, if two people cannot come to an agreement on how things should work, there would be tension. I advise you not to continue.

eleyi gidi gan.

All the same, if she wants to make the decisions, let her. Just make sure you add other responsibilities to her portfolio. Like house rent, feeding money, utility bills and all what, you can switch roles with her and do the cooking, wash the dishes and co.

If after two months, she hasn't changed tunes, just remember those cartoon style of running, where the characters first rev their feets in circular motion before disappearing with a dash, and do likewise.

LordKO:
The issue with the both of you remains conceitedness (no insult intended), as I'd earlier pointed out - a domineering man vs a presumptuous woman.

I still insist that until you as a man eschew domineeringness both in words and actions, and she eschew presumptuousness both in words and actions too, balance can never occur.

When you embrace this change as a man and become a libertarian, you'll automatically start to be conscientious in relating with her. And this will earn you her respect - so long as she embraced her own change too. As a leader, there's no how you'll command the respect (not fear) of a sane woman (person) without her according you the right of "judgment call" - even at that, being her leader won't mean you should discard her opinion where it's superior to yours. So, ask yourself; why is it that you don't command her maximum volitional respect? I don't want to believe that you're putting up with an insane woman all this while. . . no sane man will do.

As per your comparison of marriage of the yore and the present generation, unless you're not ready to tell yourself truth, the difference is in the power of emancipation. Only a domineering man will antagonize women emancipation.

Hmm.
Please sir, are you married?

Sorry Oga but you really ought to have selected your fiancee more carefully since you know you are the type that wants total submission without questions.
You should have gone to a very rural area, maybe a village to get a wife, or you should have gone and married a woman you are at least ten years older than, the one you can intimidate just by virtue of your years of seniority. I am not saying this to make light if your situation, believe me.

The way you sound it's like you cannot handle an intelligent or exposed woman because those ones will certainly question decisions you make if it affects them in any significant way. only a foolish or timid person will just nod and go with anything they are told without trying to critically analyse or weigh pros and cons.


If the woman has any type of intelligence she would ask you why you made so and so decisions, not necessarily to challenge you but because of various reasons like she wants to be sure you are not simply trying to make her miserable and she wants to be sure your decision would not cause a fatal error or deep regrets in future. She can only go with your deciding making without questioning if trivial or issues are involved, issues that are not so important and can be overlooked.

There is nothing like total submission. Sorry.
The Bible also tells men to love their wives but everyone with sense knows that Total love does not exist. There are times women will do things to annoy and frustrate their husband's, there are times he will resent her for her bad habits and he will feel dislike and even hatred for her depending on how bad she misbehave.

Forget total submission from a smart woman She can submit only sometimes and not every single time. It will be hard for you to accept this but it's truth. If you want to be a tyrant and try to enforce total submission then don't be surprised when she starts sneaking behind your back to go against what you say.

Guitarlife:


To the objective critiques I appreciate your time and effort.
Well technically the wedding is up to us, I just kind of made that statement to see if she would give any kind of reference to my preference on how I wanted the wedding to be which obviously it appears she couldnt be bothered what I wanted of preferred.

The concern for me now is , is this lack of concern for my preference one off or pervasive? Is it a manifestation of a deep character flaw?
I grew up with the understanding that wives should pander to their husbands preferences. You know in this situation, a compromise of some sort would have been very pacifying but the apparent volte face and lack of concern or even regard for my preference looks like a sign of a deep character flaw.

In addition, I am not really a fan of women who are vocal. I always believed as africans our wives must learn to stay in thier place and value the uniqueness of that position. Its a very delicate and tricky concept to understand so I am not surprised by the vitriol I am getting from a few ignorant posters.

I do hope someone can comprehend the deep things I am not sure I have been able to properly communicate ...

Bro, besides the fact that you are a Christian, you also practice African traditional religion(bolded). If you want a woman who isn't vocal, go to where you are more likely to find one (village), African traditional religion is still very much alive in that location. (Genesis 1) God made women to be our help mate, meaning they are created to help us on an equal level. If she isn't allowed to say her mind regarding issues and u are not ready accept her opinion because she's a woman, how will she perform her God given role of helping you bro?

Second issue bro, calling people ignorant because we don't share your opinion on this issue makes you seem inflexible and intolerant. That's not a good sign for a husband bro.

Guitarlife:

The fact that a man is the head of the home is strange to you ?
Are you married ? If my prospective wife cannot respect me enough to trust my judgement and accept the consequence with contentment when they go bad then then marriage will be a battle field.

If the wife wants to make herself heard she has to do it with wisdom because the fact that the husband is making an error of judgement does not stop him from being the husband and the head.

It doesnt give the woman the right to berate and lampoon him.

Even if a man is a cleaner at work he must be the chairman of his own local government(his home).

By the way my fiancee is abroad and yes I have broken up the relationship once but we found a way to mend issues. I broke it up as a result of these same fears of subtle lack of respect but she came back and because I truely love her I took her back and made efforts to work it out.

I have made her understand the type of man that I am. I assured her I will work hard to protect her and also fight for the best for our family and even if I ere sometimes she needs wisdom to manage things then.

She is the best woman but it seems she still doesnt understand or cant comprehend these intricate husband-wife concept and I might have to count my teeth with my tongue sooner.

Kasala go burst o. She's gona be too exposed for you to intimidate bro, and their laws will protect her. Free the babe but send me her num.

forreelinc:

oh you have gone to ask him?
dont forget to come back with what he said

the day I will catch you eh!!I will so deal with you physically,diplomatically and all the callies.rude bitch.dont worry,someday,just someday.son of a fat smelly hairy pussied bitch.

nwanneni:
the day I will catch you eh!!I will so deal with you physically,diplomatically and all the callies.rude bitch.dont worry,someday,just someday.son of a fat smelly hairy pussied bitch.

08032773199
No.1 remi fani kayode street GRA Lagos
Oya come and beat me, broke m*therfucker

Guitarlife:
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your suggestions. While some might disagree with my position, especially women.

I am aware there is a reason we have more divorce counts today with our westernized mind set that back in the days when we were supposedly primitive.

Even the bible preaches total submission as the panacea for a fruitful marriage.

I am really careful about falling into the trap of a woman who believes she is equal to a man in the marriage .

Husband and wife are partners in marriage but not equals.

Very few will understand this .

I understand you perfectly. As a Muslim the lady I once intended marrying was giving me conditions before I marry her . Also her fa!mily were the controlling type . I didn't waste anytime but to port .

Most of those that are not interested in understanding you are ladies with feminist ideology deeply rooted in their brain, and sadly most, of not all are married . A man by nature has ego , competing with him under the same roof will be a disaster . The western ideology of equality is only present in the media, as most females with feminist ideology remain divorced or single for the rest of their miserable lives. This affects them psychologically. In Islam , a man and a woman are equal , but are never the same

forreelinc:

08032773199
No.1 remi fani kayode street GRA Lagos
Oya come and beat me, broke m*therfucker

That's the example of parents giving devices to unmatured kids. I just wondered how he ended up on the platform .

When you see the number 0803...

That's first generation of mobile phone users in 9ja

Giving him your address was

All these kids self, its not every issue you poke nose to

Fundamentalist:


Giving him your address was

All these kids self, its not every issue you poke nose to

No mind am, with e broke yansh even dey argue with me about money I school am now e dey follow me upandan instead make e think as e go take make money

forreelinc:

No mind am, with e broke yansh even dey argue with me about money I school am now e dey follow me upandan instead make e think as e go take make money