I married this lovely woman who i threw my life into. I recently found messages between her and another married man she had a relationship with prior to us meeting. She told him that there would be no other like him and she loved him. He asked if they could meet up again and she had said nothing is impossible. Now I wouldnt have been bothered as such but this messages were exchanged when we were sorting out our engagment rings and the traditional marrage list. She says she wont have any more contact with this man as she said he was a good friend but is upset that I made her delete all contacts from facebook etc. I am destraught and my trust has gone but I am also scared I drive her away. Please help as I dont know what to do.

@poster,find out from her,what she likes in a man;what makes her ex tick.
Whatever you do,communication is key to better understanding.assure her of your love for her and don't get in her hair.keep your eyes open,as it may be a phase in her:most peeps don't forget fast who had been there for them,expecially women.have a little mystery about yourself.this does magic to any relation

The thing id i truely love this woman and yes I married her. I try to understand it as she says it is just talk but for me how can it be just talk if she really loved me she would have told him and that they could still be friends but nothing else. I have been giving her a hard time about it recently as she shows no remorse and said that it was his wifes fault for not being with her husband that put them together. If she could show remorse then I might understand but she doesnt seem to care . I dont know. I will try and not be so hard but she fails to see why I dont trust her. She goes mad and starts shouting at me. I dont know. I work away most times and my mind runs mad wondering what she is doing. I told her that I will never lock her in a cupboard and will never stop her chatting with her friends but I dont want her to have any more dealings with this man as he is married and we are married but i cant help but wonder. I had my suspicions before but she denied ever having a relationship with him bur as it turned out she was with himfor 3 years being his secret lover. It seems that she couldnt tell him herself it was over. I had to make her do it.

i'd have adviced you to postpone your wedding plans but since you guys are already married you need to put your foot down strongly on this one. your wife clearly still has feelings for this ex-lover of hers and this inadvertenty takes away from your marriage. there should be boundaries in a relationship talkless of a marriage. she needs to seize all contacts whatsover with this man if not im afraid what you have is a sham marriage

I wouldn't have been much bothered, but her non-chalant attitude rings a different bell entirely.

women in her such situation are typically remorseful, but apathy is d order of d day in her case, which obviously means two things.

1. Is either she doesn't know d consequence of what she's into or she's already made up her mind to bear d consequence by accepting ur order and quit when it finally happens.

I advice u to expedite and do the needful with diplomacy.

Am truly sorry to hear this but first of all, how old is she? Is she a graduate and is she working? If she's young, a graduate and workin, then there seem to be a problem though not such that cant be solved. My advice to u is to first of all remove ur manly ego and relax ur mind. Dont let that possessive nature of a husband get over u. The more u try to persuade her, the more she feels she's under pressure and will think more of that man. Young married women are nt always satisfied with their "early" marriages and feel they are being caged. Dnt think of quitin. Rather think more of children i.e getin her pregnant. It'll help her appreciate the marriage more. U're nt alone in this situation. Take ur time. Dnt try to force it on her. Dnt get emotional or beg her cuz it wil hold u down. Young girls are only proud of their marriage outside.

it really is a difficult situation, but i advice you not to back down, for better for worse

Let the past bury the past, but when it is being carried forward,then we have a problem

Na wa o
This is more than my head can carry me. I'm not experienced in this kinda thing at all and I don't pray to have such experiences

Be that as it may, I think u shd impregnate her sharp sharp and let's see if she'll still be talkin with her ex with big tummy
Kpele o

tkb417:

Be that as it may, I think u shd impregnate her sharp sharp and let's see if she'll still be talkin with her ex with big tummy
Kpele o

What of after the chld is born?!!

Truthfully, every married woman has that one ex-boyfriend that they would gladly hump discreetly just to relieve the past. I dont have experience in such matters either, but my advice to him would be to just shine his eyes well well.

I have some married ex-girlfriends that I believe I can still get with if I put my mind to it.

Whats the deal with all these weak men on the romance thread where are you guys finding these women huh??

you read the msg, its obvious she is still interested in her past love, oh boy walk away!!! plain and simple!
when the time is right God will send the right woman your way.
good luck

mendomp:

Whats the deal with all these weak men on the romance thread where are you guys finding these women huh??

you read the msg, its obvious she is still interested in her past love, oh boy walk away!!! plain and simple!
when the time is right God will send the right woman your way.
good luck

.

What happens if the second (new) wife does same?
Walking away from any troubled situation has never and will never be the best option.
I think he has to go deep into this matter, find out ONLY the truth from his wife. From there, he can weigh his options and take a decision.
Any decision taken now won't be the best.

Tricky Tricky. . .

Mehn with the number of girls around that tell a guy they would cheat on their husbands with him if they ever married some other guy, this is one very tricky situation. Ha!

See when a guy says such a thing he could be playing and trying to fit into the moment as he feels would be appropriate no matter how inappropriate such a "declaration" would be; but when a girl says such a thing, 8 out of 10 times she means it and all the guy would have to do when the time comes is to press just a little and flood her heart with strong emotions that would bring back the memories of the past.

Me I don't know o. . . This is a tricky one, really; the good thing is if she can decide on her own without being pressured into it, then her resolution could effectively counter her declarations to that man. Na God fit help the both of una here.

Meanwhile, all these people taking of past burying the past let me inform U that the past is like a fertile ground nurtured in the present. Weeds are the seeds to evil we sow and wheat is the seed to good. Weeds don;t need to be nurtured, as long as nature provides them the right environment they will spring and multiply. Wheat however need to be nurtured and catered for to fruit.

The fields U leave to fallow will be fruitful tomorrow. If U don't want weeds springing U have to root them up and make sure U don't leave a trace of them behind; having done that, U will need to continue to make the field uncomfortable for them to resurface and at the same time conducieve for the wheat to grow well and fruit.

What I'm saying is it's best to thoroughly deal with issues in the past otherwise U should expect them to show up late in the future. Things don't just go away they have to be told to go away and shown that they are unwelcome otherwise they will keep coming back and one day they will meet U when U are weakest and they will do damage to the important things to U leaving U in a worse state than U can imagine,  bla bla bla.

na wao!

Nlanders don grow ooo, first time wey una try sympathise wit person n even offer good advise, no stupid shouting n cursing. Kai God dey

Muhahahaha oh my.
OP Sorry but you have already fawked up. You have already began that initially subtle journey to cuckoldery.

Did I just read you write "...she was offended that..."?.
Bro, She doesn't have A THING to be offended about.
YOU should be the one offended for finding out that YOUR FIANCE, while you were in a relationship with her, was busy writing love letters to OTHER MEN!
She should be fawking BEGGING! Yet you've allowed her to still have the ovaries to be "getting offended".
You need to make this as big a deal as you need to to make her understand that you are not a b[i]i[/i]tch. Call the darn wedding off if you have to!

As it is you have wasted too much time already. That should have been your trigger response to that sh[i]i[/i]t.
WTF is wrong with men today?!!!!

Your wife has just hinted to u that she myt likely cheat on u. . . .

Crazy things happen everyday.

Women !!!. God will surely punish dem....they ar so so cunny...

2buff: Muhahahaha oh my.
OP Sorry but you have already fawked up. You have already began that initially subtle journey to cuckoldery.

Did I just read you write "...she was offended that..."?.
Bro, She doesn't have A THING to be offended about.
YOU should be the one offended for finding out that YOUR FIANCE, while you were in a relationship with her, was busy writing love letters to OTHER MEN!
She should be fawking BEGGING! Yet you've allowed her to still have the ovaries to be "getting offended".
You need to make this as big a deal as you need to to make her understand that you are not a b[i]i[/i]tch. Call the darn wedding off if you have to!

As it is you have wasted too much time already. That should have been your trigger response to that sh[i]i[/i]t.
WTF is wrong with men today?!!!!

this thread is almost two fckking years old!
Calm down!

Onchedu: Meanwhile, all these people taking of past burying the past let me inform U that the past is like a fertile ground nurtured in the present. Weeds are the seeds to evil we sow and wheat is the seed to good. Weeds don;t need to be nurtured, as long as nature provides them the right environment they will spring and multiply. Wheat however need to be nurtured and catered for to fruit.

The fields U leave to fallow will be fruitful tomorrow. If U don't want weeds springing U have to root them up and make sure U don't leave a trace of them behind; having done that, U will need to continue to make the field uncomfortable for them to resurface and at the same time conducieve for the wheat to grow well and fruit.

What I'm saying is it's best to thoroughly deal with issues in the past otherwise U should expect them to show up late in the future. Things don't just go away they have to be told to go away and shown that they are unwelcome otherwise they will keep coming back and one day they will meet U when U are weakest and they will do damage to the important things to U leaving U in a worse state than U can imagine,  bla bla bla.

sound advice

op: Sad to hear ur story.
Wake up. You have married the wrong woman.How could you have gone on with the wedding after that. It is not going to get better for you. You are now condemned to a life of suspicion and uncertainty. Thats not a good way to live. A stitch in time saves nine. The rtuth of the matter is that she has in writing that she loves and has someone better than you.You are just a convenience. what more do you want her to tell you.
Dump her and move on with your life. anyone that advises you otherwise is sentimental becaus they are not in your shoes. No man, I repeat, no man, should play second fiddle to a woman whom he calls a lifemate.

plaetton: op: Sad to hear ur story.
Wake up. You have married the wrong woman.How could you have gone on with the wedding after that. It is not going to get better for you. You are now condemned to a life of suspicion and uncertainty. Thats not a good way to live. A stitch in time saves nine. The rtuth of the matter is that she has in writing that she loves and has someone better than you.You are just a convenience. what more do you want her to tell you.
Dump her and move on with your life. anyone that advises you otherwise is sentimental becaus they are not in your shoes. No man, I repeat, no man, should play second fiddle to a woman whom he calls a lifemate.

why is it when a woman is caught in infidelity,men think of quiting,why the women endure,take decision & accept their faith......MEN

Onchedu: Meanwhile, all these people taking of past burying the past let me inform U that the past is like a fertile ground nurtured in the present. Weeds are the seeds to evil we sow and wheat is the seed to good. Weeds don;t need to be nurtured, as long as nature provides them the right environment they will spring and multiply. Wheat however need to be nurtured and catered for to fruit.

The fields U leave to fallow will be fruitful tomorrow. If U don't want weeds springing U have to root them up and make sure U don't leave a trace of them behind; having done that, U will need to continue to make the field uncomfortable for them to resurface and at the same time conducieve for the wheat to grow well and fruit.

What I'm saying is it's best to thoroughly deal with issues in the past otherwise U should expect them to show up late in the future. Things don't just go away they have to be told to go away and shown that they are unwelcome otherwise they will keep coming back and one day they will meet U when U are weakest and they will do damage to the important things to U leaving U in a worse state than U can imagine,  bla bla bla.

u are a good marriage counsellor filled with so much wisdom.God bless u.

pinkstar: why is it when a woman is caught in infidelity,men think of quiting,why the women endure,take decision & accept their faith......MEN

Pls dont pretend that you do not understand human nature. men can chop and look away, women cannot. men and women are different in the manner they approach infidelity. If a woman's heart belongs to one man(her former lover), then the op is the ultimate loser in this drama. No sentimental story book bs is going to change that. Which man in his right mind wants to take a life long journey with a woman who has expressed her love for another man(and left the doors open for further adultery in the future ) on the eve of her wedding .

plaetton:

Pls dont pretend that you do not understand human nature. men can chop and look away, women cannot. men and women are different in the manner they approach infidelity. If a woman's heart belongs to one man(her former lover), then the op is the ultimate loser in this drama. No sentimental story book bs is going to change that. Which man in his right mind wants to take a life long journey with a woman who has expressed her love for another man(and left the doors open for further adultery in the future ) on the eve of her wedding .

made no point to me,she was wrong....what she did was inhumane as she has murdered some1 emotionally,but it is time men stop crucify men,4 women keep such things as this as secrets.