I have read all the comments some good some bad, at the end of the day the poster will still be left with his decision. It is good to forgive but when it comes to issue of adultery I must tell u it is hard to erase it from one's mind. At times bitterness and hatred sets in and you begin to pick on everything she does. The man needs time to think of the situation and the woman needs to be extra loving, petting and pampering the man for the time being. Most importantly the man needs to pray so that he can forgive her and move on, divorce is not accepted in the sight of God. The devil you know is better than an angel you are yet to meet.

Mutter,
Shame on u.that tradition that u are so much promoting andm singing abt is the same tradition that supported the killing of twins,it is the tradition that also makes a woma sleep wt her husbands corpse and allows the relatives to carry all the deacesaed propery and leave the wife and kids to suffer.
The person that says adultery is worse thing wen committed by a woman citing the bible incident,do u remember wat Jesus told those men,they had no right to accuse her cos they were not sinless.u guys shld stop excusing men infidelity in the name of culture.it is wrong for men to sleep around get HIV and trasmit to women bcosw of culture.

Poster,if u can forgive fine,if u cant move on.As for me,i dont know if i can deal wt dis. even as a woman.i dont think i can cope wt the trouble of wondering wat is going on each time he is away from me.
the choice is urs poster.

Lady Dee:

LMAO! Not an excuse, just a FAIR observation, like I said if the story is true, you throwing INSULTS with regard to someone wife is not on.
Furthermore, I HATE assumptions and people who talk carelessly, I have not defended his wifes actions at all,

Its an excuse sweetheart, tell me how many times on this forum, you"ve asked for a 2 sided story?
She deserves evry insult i can come up with, why are u lot making up excuses for her? are you yourself trying to tell me that if such a situation comes up in your home, you are going to cheat on your husband? seriously call a spade a spade. She is not a child, she wasnt born yesterday, if she knew she couldnt keep up with the temptation why didnt she quit and relocate immediately? what was her husband supposed to do? go to the court to bring her back home? you can only force the horse to d stream. . . . .  .

And yes you have defended her actions, do you wanna go back to your post and see where you were accusing him of not putting his manly plate down, thus the reason for her cheating? arent you trying to justify her actions? We have the wives of army officials, soldiers name it that still stay faithful even though they spend less than 2 months evry year with their partners.

If it were your brother"s wife will you be saying the same thing? NO way, and dont even bother saying you will, cos i 100% dont believe you


@chair cover

exactly , if it were a close relative will they act like this?

like you said, is she a baby? doesnt she know her left from right? this people have dated for 5 yrs, its not as if it's a 5 months affair

Kanou:

It's not so hard to understand this woman.
She was married but never got what she could call a matrimonial home, married but living like a single. If the husband would not sacrifice one of their jobs to offer her the home and care she deserved, why would she not act like an abandoned lady no matter how much they talk over the phone? She was second, their jobs were first, that's how she might have read the situation.

Wouldn't the husband offer her some kind of pride? Some home she can call theirs? She never even had a honeymoon! He seems a careful husband but i can't get how he just missed this first delicate period of their marital life.

Well, poster, you look a wise man, up to you to correct your mistakes. Apologize to each other, and i know you both will definately make it.

Story, like she was r:a:p:e:d: wasnt she?

@Poster,
U sound like a good man, the dream of every woman. I am afraid to tell you that you love your wife but she does not love you back. You are the one travelling to see her, she is the one being cold. she yelled at you that you are monitoring her movement bla bla bla.

Morpheous law: If a good girl has turned bad sh is gone forever.

She knew you loved her, she knew you will be stupid enough to forgive her, she knew you wont be able to face divorce or too mindful about what people will say if you leave her that is the reason she is telling you "if you send me packing you have the right". She knows your weakness that you wont even do it. That you accept her back and live with that pain.

My advise: Can you live with the pain for the rest of your life? Can you imagine it that your wife is thinking about another person while you are with her. She is going to be cold, the house will be very boring now, she is going to be faking being guilty and you will be looking at her as an adulterer

A WIFE should be somebody you can entrust your whole life and being to without holding anything back but I am soo sorryyyy about this distrust and betrayal especially after being in courtship for sooo long and it's jus happening months after your wedding.


Imagine, taking a wife for pregnancy test. Aborting her first unborn child after being legally married to you because you are not sure of the owner.
Imagine taking a WIFE for std test.
Imagine that you have a course to travel out and you wont be able to put your mind at rest because ur wife can be on somebody's lap.
Imagine if that guy happens to take a job in your company and you have to be working together.
The list is endless.
If you can live with it then like you rightly put it go ahead with her but please note that SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. If she is going to change she is going to change for worse unless Holy spirit worked on her. (is she subject herself to the Lord willingly)

If you can't live with it PLEASE let her go. "THE PAIN OF REGRET IS MORE THAN THE PAIN OF CHANGE". Make the change now and be happy years later or keep it the same now and regret ii and live in pain for the rest of your life.

@chaircover and mutter
I have always come to this family trend to read your post. @ mutter, you are a rare gem, u made me believe that there are still good women out there

@Lady Dee
Why can't you hit the nail on the head, stop blaming the man for LDR, in fact most GOOD women i know has left their job in Abuja to go and stick with their husbands in Lagos. Good women will be the one asking her husband where are u, it should not be vice versa. Where are your moral value? In fact I will have to check your responses to some other post before I make other comments.

It was never a mistake for them to have LDR, it was totally wrong fro her to do what she did.

There is nothing to justify what your wife did. Let me tell you this,my husband got a new job on our wedding day and was called to resume the third day after our wedding.We needed the job more than anything then,so he has no option than to leave Lagos the second day. We did not see eachother until 3 months after,although we always be on skype and call 3 times a day.There was a time he was away for almost one year and we remain faithful to eachother. I am totally dissapointed in your wife.

@ Ucheawesom, I have to sway off topic again to give you some answers here. The tradition of killing twins might appear babaric but you have to consider that it arose out of fundamental needs. many women even have difficulty brestfeeding one child talk of two. Twins are generally more fragile at the start. At that time there was no substitute for bosom milk. It could be possible that the mother and even the twins could mostly not survive at the end anyway. Maybe the tradition was born out of a need for survival. The terrible treatment of widows could maybe be because the woman had all opportunity to poisen her husband, the tendency to do so might have been more in a polygamous home. At that time who would want a woman who had no issue to take the family property to another man? You need to know the origin of laws and traditions to understand them. I have to confess I am also not an expert on all traditions, but I am sure more people here could clear us up. Even tradition is not static and changes, sometimes too slow.
@ Kindway I thank my father for teaching me all I know today. I think men are also in a very good position to advise their daughters about marriage because they see it from a mans point of view. My dad always told me that when I get married no matter what mistake I make I could always be forgiven and if not I could come home and they would talk to my husband, but he said that there was no going back after a woman cheated on the man. Even if the man kept the woman, he would do so many things even years later, because a man can never really forgive that.
I think it is such a shame today that many women are just greedy. They want to have it all and are not contented with what the husband has to offer. They end up breaking their homes and leading their kids astry.
How can a woman be married to a man and cheat on him? What respect does that man have left? What respect does the family have left or still the children? That might even affect her daughters getting married. There are these two ladies that live here and are close friends. Years later their children wanted to get married to one another. The mother of the boy was so mad and treid to kick against it. Because the women knew each other and what kind of life they lived, the mother of the boy meant that the girl would only cheat on him just like her mum did with the dad. They eventually did get married but the marriage is already at point break-down. The boys family have no respect for her because of the life her mother lived.

@poster,your story is really sad, whhy do good men always get horrible women, well @op i ll chip in my opinion here
first,she has no respect for you at all, how dare she ask you if you ll keep an activity menu to monitor her,are you not her husband?

secondly it is hard for a woman who is decent and ve some dignity to her self to go out of her marriage to another man no matter what.long distance r/ship is not an excuse .there are decent women whose husbands live abroad and come home once in a while yet they re still faithful and reserved.unfortunately a woman who is not decent and reserved while single will not suddenly be even if shes married .am not judging your wife but chipping in from whhat i read from your post,her action.

for a married woman to cheat,she seeks more than just sex which is more dangerous and more difficult to let go of.she may do it again and that will be more painful to you than the one at hand.please am not saying you should divorce her but just take your time and then decide to take whatever you get from her in the marriage.sounds like you love her so much more than she loves you and she knows.whatever you decide,i wish you good luck,

I remember when my husband had enuff of europe and left for his base (australia) , I was in europe for some time because I had some work to finish before going over, the plan was for me to see how i went in 1.5 months before flying over, i didn't stay that long, not because the money wasnt good but because I got tired of coming back home late and having no one around to give me a good welcome, yes if it is a case i couldnt help, say he travelled down to nigeria ehen better, but i had the right papers to fly over and go be with him, which i did, I couldn'T stand being alone or cooking for myself. The days I was on call or off work, I would lazy around all day looking like some female refugee abandoned by my mum in an unknown country.


I had to ask for a new replacement, ask for someone to take over, or someone I could talk though things with and leave the rest to cos I wanted to leave, that wasnt my home, my home was in aussie and I am happy here.

I cannot imagine MYSELF being far away from my husband few months after marriage (IF I CAN HELP IT), and thats why im saying that she could have moved over.

This woman does not need her husband to tell her to move, her home is in lagos, she had a right to it with or without the husband's permission.

hmmmmmmmmmmm things are happening

Why are some women like this. I feel so sad she is a wicked lady.

@mutter,
wat makes killing of twins babaric.It is all part of the culture u uphold.Pls u have to uphold it 100%.
I think it is hypocritcal to uphold it wen it suits u and call it babaric wen it doesnt.I guess if the evil u defend in the name of cultue shld come to u,u will not find it funny.

as for me,i dont support cheating from any side. cheating is cheating be it from the man or woman.

Poster the choice is urs.she is wrong,totally wrong.
She even had the guts to ask her husband why he was making her life miseable.Imagine.
i guess she expected u to kip ur eyes shut while she kips on wt her evil acts.

@ Ucheawesom the killing of twins was at the time it was practised not barbaric because it was necessary for survival of the mother. Today with modern medical facilities etc it would be barbaric if still practised.
Do you not embrace the modern law system. Do you accept every part of it? The death penalty. What about the laws legalising slaves and the laws in Germany that made the killing of Jews possible. No every legal system has it`s faults and bad aspects which one has to amend with time. We cannot condemn the entire system or else we have only anarchy.

@OP

Your story is a sad one. I also respect your decision to forgive. It is a noble thing and a very rare gift in men, especially in situations like this.

But like many have said here, continue the relationship ONLY when you are sure your forgiveness is total and you will have no problem trusting and loving her again.


@Uju

Why must every relationship issue turn to male vs female debate with you?

You have little or no advice for the OP, but went all the way debating your feminist theories and querying the OP's fidelity. That wasn't the reason the OP started this thread.

Uju? i just think she does more with her head than the mind.

I believe this lady has been sleeping around before you guys got married. You'll hardly find a lady committing adultery few months into her marriage, after been faithful for almost five years. It's just unfortunate you got to know this after your marriage, but the truth is that she don dey do am tey tey. I feel sorry for u cos I know what it feels like to experience such. That's why I can never get emotionally involved with any lady.

If your health condition is currently stable, believe me u'll develop high blood pressure pretty soon if you go ahead with your plan. If you currently have HBP you might have heart attack. It's painful though, but I see you as a weakling, by telling her to resign and come home with you. Come home to do what. Yea, you guys still need to talk. I just hope she'll be open enough to tell you the reason, but I doubt if that will happen. You could imagine the excuse she gave "she doesn't hav a reason". Do you know why she doesn't have one, that's because she's been doing before now so she can't possibly point to anything.

I can see that you still don't understand what you'll be going through. Ask those that have done similar things and learn from their experiences. You'll end up giving yourself hypertension, cos u'll always be concerned about where she's gone to. A couple of times you'll probably assumed she's getting fuc, ked somewhere.

See, you can never trust this lady again, why waste your time trying to resolve it. Let her family know that she's a fuc, king bitch. As for you, it will take a long time for you to really get over it. I really wish you can tell us about some incidents that happened before your marriage. Some of these could possibly give us a clue about the knid of person she really is, after which you can be better advised.

Here are some quotes everyone (including the OP) should mull on

A failed relationship is rarely the work of one party - Tom Clancy

By all means marry, if you marry a good woman you will be happy, if you marry a bad woman you will be a philosopher. - Socrates

Bawss1:


By all means marry, if you marry a good woman you will be happy, if you marry a bad woman you will be a philosopher. - Socrates

a philosopher like kind way , lol

Please kind way no offense oooo

@poster my dear dnt listen 2 people that tells u to walk out if it happens to them they will seek advice and try to work on the mariage. I know it hurts but every marriage has their challenges work it out go for counseling women go thru this on a daily base been there. Our parents that we proudly celebrate there 50 year anniversery with it nt easy dear they went through things like this. Just make sure if u want to safe ure mariage u need proper counseling.

Hmm, didnt know this thread was still alive!

jennykadry:

Its an excuse sweetheart, tell me how many times on this forum, you"ve asked for a 2 sided story?
She deserves evry insult i can come up with, why are u lot making up excuses for her? are you yourself trying to tell me that if such a situation comes up in your home, you are going to cheat on your husband? seriously call a spade a spade. She is not a child, she wasnt born yesterday, if she knew she couldnt keep up with the temptation why didnt she quit and relocate immediately? what was her husband supposed to do? go to the court to bring her back home? you can only force the horse to d stream. . . . . .

And yes you have defended her actions, do you wanna go back to your post and see where you were accusing him of not putting his manly plate down, thus the reason for her cheating? arent you trying to justify her actions? We have the wives of army officials, soldiers name it that still stay faithful even though they spend less than 2 months evry year with their partners.

If it were your brother"s wife will you be saying the same thing? NO way, and dont even bother saying you will, cos i 100% dont believe you

This is why I stress for people to read well before yabbing, I DID NOT defend the wife's action, please quote me if i did actually say its not her fault,
I simply stated that in this situation YES his wife is at fault arrangements should have been made and executed immediatly to squash the distance between them (the moving to Lagos or vice versa).
Is that where Im supposed to have defended the lady?

Wouldnt it be something if insults were REIGNED upon you and you were unable to defend it or voice your side of the story?
If it were my brother who were in this situation, I STILL would not advise Divorce, SIMPLE!

The devil you know is better than the devil you dont know,

Its OP's choice!

chillbabe:

@poster my dear dnt listen 2 people that tells u to walk out if it happens to them they will seek advice and try to work on the mariage. I know it hurts but every marriage has their challenges work it out go for counseling women go thru this on a daily base been there. Our parents that we proudly celebrate there 50 year anniversery with it nt easy dear they went through things like this. Just make sure if u want to safe ure mariage u need proper counseling.

^^^THANK YOU WELL SAID!!!

OAM4J:

@OP

Your story is a sad one. I also respect your decision to forgive. It is a noble thing and a very rare gift in men, especially in situations like this.

But like many have said here, continue the relationship ONLY when you are sure your forgiveness is total and you will have no problem trusting and loving her again.


@Uju

Why must every relationship issue turn to male vs female debate with you?

You have little or no advice for the OP, but went all the way debating your feminist theories and querying the OP's fidelity. That wasn't the reason the OP started this thread.

Hey quit hating ok? I didn't query his fidelity, I just said 'if . . . . .'! 

And I'm not a feminist! I mean, not so much anyways . . 

@Uju -

Hey quit hating ok? I didn't query his fidelity, I just said 'if . . . . .'!

Err, sorry to be pedantic, but you initially did question his fidelity.
Here is your comment on P1 of the post - "Let's face it, even him is not free of the same crime. Did he say he has NEVER cheated on her?"

Ujujoan:

Hey quit hating ok? I didn't query his fidelity, I just said 'if . . . . .'! 

And I'm not a feminist! I mean, not so much anyways . . 

lol. Am not hating, In fact I 'envy' your boyfriend and really wish to meet him.

And its about time Seun appoint you as moderator for women affairs on this forum

Romeo4real:

@Uju -
Err, sorry to be pedantic, but you initially did question his fidelity.
Here is your comment on P1 of the post - "Let's face it, even him is not free of the same crime. Did he say he has NEVER cheated on her?"

thank you jare, I need not say more.

Romeo4real:

@Uju -
Err, sorry to be pedantic, but you initially did question his fidelity.
Here is your comment on P1 of the post - "Let's face it, even him is not free of the same crime. Did he say he has NEVER cheated on her?"

Damn!!! Did I say that? Hmmmn . . .

Whatever!

OAM4J:

lol. Am not hating, In fact I 'envy' your boyfriend and really wish to meet him.

And its about time Seun appoint you as moderator for women affairs on this forum


thank you jare, I need not say more.

lol, now u r just beafing!

poster, i sympathise with you, this indeed must be heart wrenching; I have to say the pathway you've chosen although very difficult is by far the best way to go. Forgiveness is easier said than done but this is where your love for her would be tested, and to be honest if the reverse was the case you'd want her to forgive you as well. So if this is what you are planning please give her a second chance.

On the other hand, you should have ironed out the issue of staying/working apart before you got married; of what use if the money you are both earning if the family/marriage is the price you pay? She is a woman and needs to be loved/cared for emotionally so just how you both expect to service your emotional/sxual needs while living apart beats me,

Lady DEE says forgive her

MrbrownJay says butt her out, a leopard cannot change her skin

Ujujoan says y d hobulala she shld be excused becos its a "she" doin the cheating!




Pheeewww!!


ooh woman! *shakes head* Thy Name is frailty

Its an excuse sweetheart, tell me how many times on this forum, you"ve asked for a 2 sided story?
She deserves evry insult i can come up with, why are u lot making up excuses for her? are you yourself trying to tell me that if such a situation comes up in your home, you are going to cheat on your husband? seriously call a spade a spade. She is not a child, she wasnt born yesterday, if she knew she couldnt keep up with the temptation why didnt she quit and relocate immediately? what was her husband supposed to do? go to the court to bring her back home? you can only force the horse to d stream. . . . . .

And yes you have defended her actions, do you wanna go back to your post and see where you were accusing him of not putting his manly plate down, thus the reason for her cheating? arent you trying to justify her actions? We have the wives of army officials, soldiers name it that still stay faithful even though they spend less than 2 months evry year with their partners.

If it were your brother"s wife will you be saying the same thing? NO way, and dont even bother saying you will, cos i 100% dont believe you

Almost like i made that post.
You make so much sense sis!!!!
Need I say more!!!!
A

this is so sad

@Poster, I want to commend your courage and understanding for posting this sensitive issue.
Based on my experience with single and married couples. In most cases, there are two reasons why married women cheats on their spouses. They are lack of intimacy and  sexual dysfunction. The first reason is lack of intimacy. It means they experience insufficient intimacy or not at all ( they don't feel any thing). Some women are sexually active and they seems to enjoy intimacy a lot. This traits or  behavior could be biological or psychology or cultural etc. While others are not getting  the best from their spouses due to factors such as size, sexual orientation and religious taboo etc. Due to this needs, these sets of married women seeks their gratification outside at the expense of their relationship. Remember, Abraham Maslow hierarchy of needs  put "intimacy" as a  philosophically  needs on the pyramid. Secondly, the other reason is sexual dysfunction. I've seen cases of spouses lured or carjored their partners into marriage under the pretest of born again, "sex after marriage". However, the poor woman will found out the husband is impotent or cannot father a child. What would you advise this unluck victim to do? Therefore, we need to have a deep understanding of the probelm or hear two sides as the some of the people pointed  before passing judgement.  I strongly believed that there is more to this issue than this. For this reason, let asked the poster a couple of questions. Did you notice any similar behavior during courtship, five years? How did you deal with them?
However, the answers will give us more knowledge about the complete story. It  is my opinion that we apply wisdom in this issue.

@ Chaircover, thanks for your response.  I gave my opinion on this issue by using the following words in my view. They are "my experience", "In most cases" and "some women". I never mentioned "ALL WOMEN".  However, I did mentioned two reasons and this views are my opinion or experience. Therefore, I can't speak for "All Women" in the military, abroad or stay home mummy.
I hope you got my point.