I'll really like to know what you guys think about newly married living in different continents. Is it detrimental or can it be managed without disaster striking the home. A friend of mine is thinking of getting married to this guy who's established in nigeria but she doesnt want to live in nigeria for now, till the nxt 3 or 4 yrs for a reasonable reason. Is it advisable ?

why should u get married if u are not ready to stay together? to me it is foolish and stupid idea. if u are not ready to stay together with ur spouse, is better u leave it till u are ready.

Why does she want to get married? I don't think she's ready. She should marry a man who lives abroad.

@ Seun
Her point is that, she doesnt mind relocating to Nigeria but she needs to get her citizenship there(which she will in a matter of 3 or 4 years) before going back to Nigeria but the guy can't visit her because he can't get a visa without them being married. So she is the one doing all the visiting, when she can. She therefore thinks getting married will solve the visa problem and they can still be far apart like before till she's got wot she wants. the guy doesn't want to relocate abroad, so thts not an option.

this issue is really bothering her, dunno how to advise her.

@ topic,
the man cant get a visa unless he marries her, she cant get citizenship unless she stays 3 or 4 yrs more. so if she marries him now when she still doesnt have the papers she wants, how will that translate to the man getting a visa?

sorry but what does getting married (to a non citizen as it is now) have to do with getting a visa?

am not clear about this topic i guess.

@aproko
she isn't illegal, she's got her papers to work legally and can get her husband over with the papers she's got now. Just that if she goes back to Nigeria finally without her citizenship, she will lose the chance. She says its for both their future, e.g kids would go to universities there without much hazzle, and in case anythg happens in future, she's got back up and can run back abroad.

my dear, i dont think she should marry him just to enable him get a visa cos there's no telling what the guy would do as soon as he gets the visa. but if they do love eachother and insist on getting married soonest, then one will have to give way for the other.

being married to the man you live with is a lot of hardwork and being a new couple and living apart is even harder to do and 3 yrs is a long time. in 3years a lot can happen. so personally, i wont marry a man and be away from him 3yrs. i dare not

exactly wot i tot too, Told her they should think of waiting  for the 3 yrs before getting married. But she's like why wait since they r both in love and tht the marriage will be not make anythg different from what it is at the moment. She says, Its just getting a certificate, it doesnt change one's feelings.

@ titilayomi

She should do exactly what Aproko said (if you ask me ooh)

A broken relationship they say is better than a broken marriage. Someone doesn't get married just because they're in love, without weighing the prons and cons. What's the rush anyway?

If the love really is genuine, then they'll still wait for each other after the three-four years but until then, they should just be "lovers".

I need more views and opinions on thiss topic pleassssssssss. My friend is desperate and about to make a final decision.

this your mysterious friend sef na wa. e be like say na you joo!

Its not easy to stay apart when married but i wont advice you break up over such a flimsy excuse. Do go ahead and get married, your husband will be able to get a resident visa so he can be visiting you when the need arises and it doesnt have to be you doing it all. . . its a matter of time and soon you'll both be together.

@ Davidylan

I get your point, thought about that

But the truth?? you can't predict tomorrow

What if the 3-4 years turns into 9-10 years or even forever. Afterall she doesn't want to relocate to naija just yet, and there's no gurantee that she would in those number of years

When you don't live together, I mean a situation where you're dependant of the embassy to see your spouse, your view might change, you might fall for someone else during the period of time

If they're not about to live together as man and wife yet, what difference does it make?? Let them wait because they stood the test of time, are meant to be and love each other . . not because of the "ring"

I know married couples sometimes have to go through the same thing, not all find it amusing either but then they couldn't prevent it

modification: Or is there something else they'll gain from it?? have they thought of having kids already?? which i think makes it worse, why have kids when mum and dad don't live under the same roof (yet)??

@ cute-ass
your point is duly noted. A neighbour of my uncle's i once knew lived separate from his wife for the first 2 yrs of their marriage. there were married only 2 weeks and the wife did not want to settle in Nigeria so she could get naturalise as a US citizen. the guy had a good bank job here and did not want to leave.
After 2 yrs he got tired of hoping for one visit or the other and decided to go join her for good.
There were fine for the 2 yrs they were apart so its definitely possible for a relationship to survive that.

would i want to do that? lai lai! Where i go you go!

davidylan:

@ cute-ass
your point is duly noted. A neighbour of my uncle's i once knew lived separate from his wife for the first 2 years of their marriage. there were married only 2 weeks and the wife did not want to settle in Nigeria so she could get naturalise as a US citizen. the guy had a good bank job here and did not want to leave.
After 2 years he got tired of hoping for one visit or the other and decided to go join her for good.
There were fine for the 2 years they were apart so its definitely possible for a relationship to survive that.

thats the thing, actually literally the chances are 50/50, but worldly chances of surviving 30/70

There are those things you seem to weigh the negativity to the possible positive, things like online dating, distant relationships and the rest

I guess the answer should be "following one's heart" Cos in situations like this two people will give an exact same story, but each with a different outcome.

Until you tried or not try, you'll never find out the other. A and B have different destinies . .

would i want to do that? lai lai! Where i go you go!

Are you asking sef?? Even if it means holding the edge of he aeroplane, as long as we land at the same destination

I could do a distant relationship just fine, but knowing the frustrations, i wouldn't want it in a marriage, esp. if kids are involved But dear what do you do when you're in the situatuon with "that one", . . life

as far as i'm concerned, this are not even issues you need nairalanders to help with. You and your boyfriend should be sitting down and evaluating this issue critically. It is not enough to just start wedding plans without thinking of where you would both settle down, kids, and other things that make a marriage the full time payless and thankless job it is.

cute-ass:

Are you asking sef?? Even if it means holding the edge of he aeroplane, as long as we land at the same destination

you are in the spirit!

how person go marry and still freeze for winter?

davidylan:

this your mysterious friend sef na wa. e be like say na you joo!

Its not easy to stay apart when married but i wont advice you break up over such a flimsy excuse. Do go ahead and get married, your husband will be able to get a resident visa so he can be visiting you when the need arises and it doesnt have to be you doing it all. . . its a matter of time and soon you'll both be together.

its actually my identical twin sister.

seriously now, What she thinks again is that, when they get married, and she gets pregnant, she can have her baby here and then go to nigeria for her 6 to 9 months maternity leave and probably longer (unpaid mat leave). All in a bid to while away the required period of time 4 her citizenship. She says she's doing it for the future of her kids and incase of incasity.
I know its hard, but they've bin thru harder times. they seem to be meant for each other and they are so crazy abt thmselves.
But you never can tell, if the hussy hits it bigtyme in da states, thy might end of settling down here, but they both arent so keen abt tht.

i think your friend should go with her heart. she needs to have a heart to heart talk with her husband to be. If they strongly believe they can cope with the stress of being apart for a while why not?
i lived apart from my husband for almost three years after we got married. it wasn't planned but it was a decision we took shortly have 4 weeks of getting married. i left Nigeria 4 weeks after getting married and we both coped well. though those three years we were apart, we visited each other.
and we had two kids within those 3 years until he was finally able to join us.
i would say, distance made me grow fonder of him and even strengthened our love. it made me realize not to take things for granted.
let your friends weigh the pros and cons with her to be husband. if they believe they can cope, then, go for it if otherwise, let them part ways

thanks @miniepoe, you dont know how reliving it is to read from someone who's been in a similar situation.
she and her husband to be have decided to tie the knots nxt yr march, he would take some unpaid time off his work/job in nigeria and try his luck where she lives, but he says if he feels he's got more prospects back at home, he'll have to return, and they'll be abe to visit each other as much as they want till shes got what she wants and moves back to him.

This is surely a difficult decision. And while there are those who have gone thru it (minniepoe) - it didn't appear that her situation was planned to be apart for so long. I am a US Citizen and will be married to a Nigerian man this coming fall, but our decision is to start his visa process right away so we can be together as soon as possible. We are also not marrying for papers, but because we are very much in love. There has been a lot of discussion regarding which continent to settle on, but it appears there are better job prospects here in the US for him, as well as the issue of my two sons. We had to look at who would be best able to relocate to which place. Myself, I cannot feature making the decision upfront to get married then plan on being apart for years. Best wishes to both of them, tho!

Iskwew:

This is surely a difficult decision. And while there are those who have gone through it (minniepoe) - it didn't appear that her situation was planned to be apart for so long. I am a US Citizen and will be married to a Nigerian man this coming fall, but our decision is to start his visa process right away so we can be together as soon as possible. We are also not marrying for papers, but because we are very much in love. There has been a lot of discussion regarding which continent to settle on, but it appears there are better job prospects here in the US for him, as well as the issue of my two sons. We had to look at who would be best able to relocate to which place. Myself, I cannot feature making the decision upfront to get married then plan on being apart for years. Best wishes to both of them, tho!

@ Iskwew, Your situation and hers are different, she isn't a US citizen yet ( just a resident), she lived most part of her life in Nigeria and doesnt mind relocating back there. She wants to remain in the US till she gets her citizenship in about 3 years to now and can then relocate back, because her boyfriend seems to have better job prospect in nigeria though she hasn't but she doesnt mind this either. He will be able to travel to see his lover any time without restrictions till shes able to relocate to him.

So iskwew, nobody is marrying for papers here, they are getting married against all odds because they are so much in love and want to be together.
Do you understand ??

Thank you so much for clarifying that for me titilayomi!  I appreciate it!  My comment did focus on marrying due to a deep love for each other as that is also as I understand your sister's relationship.  I had been wondering why the delay, but now I surely understand and I can understand better why they would stay separated with visitation.  Since it sounds like they have discussed it between them and the goal for US citizenship is mutual, I do believe that they can do this.  Marriage is for a lifetime, no matter where each party is.  And so often, even when the couple is living together, the distance can be greater.  Marriage can also provide a permanance to their union as well which could be beneficial for each of them.  And if getting married also provides him the ability to travel more freely to be with her, that is a definite plus also.  Again, thank u for educating me!  And the best to your sister and hers,

Thanks alot Iskwew, for your posts, i really hope and wish them the best cause its really hard living apart as married couples, i dont think i can do it, but they both seem so much in love that you just wanna see them happy together. Even thm old folks couldn't say no cause they kind of both radiate with so much love even tho they are miles apart. I sometimes even them oh, tho i'm in love with my man too and i'm happy.

i am a black american woman and my husband is nigerian, we are still apart and it is horrible, i do not recommend this, just wait until you are ready to get married and be together. that is what marriage is all about, togetherness, hopefully we are almost finished with immigration and he will join me soonest. It has been a living nightmare.

Think long and hard about it.

redwoman

@poster, tell ur sister to follow her heart. With all u've said there seems to be a mutual understanding between them and that's all that matters. I see it's for a good course, it will be selfish to advice otherwise but they have to be very matured about this, I hope this their love is not infactuation oooooh

I must tell u weather together or apart problems will still occur. there are couples that lives 2geda and fight everyday.

A marriage should have the basic foundations of committment, respect and friendship.
With those. . . ain't no mountain high enough!
I will not advice newly-weds to live separately for the FIRST 10 YEARS. . . .
After the FIRST 10. . . .OK, when you have established enough history to determine what you really love about a person.
Besides, the children need BOTH parents together for the first, most formative years!
If you have no child or children to TIE YOU DOWN TOGETHER. . . by all means SEIZE THE CHANCE TO LIVE SINGLE AGAIN!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21369007/ns/health-behavior/t/some-couples-distance-key-closeness/#.UQcibr_LSSo

[b]My husband and I have been married for 14 years, [size=20pt]and we’ve never lived together.[/size] Unbeknownst to us, demographers have devised a name for our arrangement:

[size=15pt]living apart together, which refers to married couples living separately. According to 2006 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 3.8 million married couples who don’t reside under the same roof. But even without statistics behind us, John and I figure we’re in good company. Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived apart, as did Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. (Interestingly, the latter couple were never married but chose to be buried next to each other in the same tiny plot. Maybe once they didn’t have to share a bathroom, occupying the same space for eternity was OK.)[/size]

[size=20pt]Nothing in common
Which brings me to a far more compelling reason for our living separately: John and I have nothing in common except that we love each other and our sons. (We also share an antipathy for team sports and shellfish, a solid foundation for lifelong commitment if there ever was one.) But as far as our living habits go, we could not be farther apart. I think this situation is true for many married couples; they simply won’t admit it.[/size]
[/b]

There! PAY NO ATTENTION TO FAKE AZZZZES!
NEVER ALLOW MEDDLESOME FOLK INTERFERE IN YOUR 'ROUTINE'! EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. . . DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. . . LET THE WORLD KEEP MINDING YOUR BUSINESS FOR YA. . . WHILE THEY REMAIN FAILURES!!!!

Bottom line: SET YOUR OWN PARAMETERS FOR HAPPINESS!

don't try living apart i talk from experience

titilayomi:
I'll really like to know what you guys think about newly married living in different continents. Is it detrimental or can it be managed without disaster striking the home. A friend of mine is thinking of getting married to this guy who's established in nigeria but she doesnt want to live in nigeria for now, till the nxt 3 or 4 yrs for a reasonable reason. Is it advisable ?

yes